Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e05 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( CLANGING )
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO BANG THAT GONG!
THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM!
IS THERE SOME EMERGENCY
ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?
I'M CALLING
A MEETING.
WE MUST DISCUSS
THE STAFF SITUATION.
WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER
COMING AT 6:00
TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE STAFF,
AND WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY.
MR. RUMBOLD, WHAT WAS
ALL THAT NOISE ABOUT?
YES, WHAT WAS
ALL THAT BONGING GOING ON?
I WAS TRYING
TO SUMMON YOU ALL.
MR. RUMBOLD,
MISS BRAHMS AND I
WERE HAVING A LIE DOWN.
IN FUTURE, WE WOULD
LIKE TO BE FOREWARNED
IF WE'RE GOING TO BE BONGED
IN OUR REST PERIOD.
- AH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M FREE.
I'VE JUST BEEN SETTING
THE MOUSETRAPS IN THE KITCHEN.
DO YOU KNOW, A MOUSE POPPED
HIS HEAD OUT OF A HOLE,
CLEANED ITS WHISKERS,
AND THEN, AS BOLD AS BRASS,
CHEWED ON A BIT OF CHEDDAR
AND DASHED INTO THE DADO?
I HATE TRAPS.
I THINK THEY'RE CRUEL.
I'LL PUT MY PUSSY
IN FRONT OF THE HOLE,
AND NEXT TIME HE COMES OUT,
HE'LL GET A NASTY SHOCK.
HE'LL PROBABLY
MOVE NEXT DOOR.
HEH. PROBABLY HURL ITSELF
ONTO THE TRAP.
NOW, LOOK,
WE HAVE A STAFF PHOTOGRAPH
ARRANGED FOR 6:00
AND SO FAR,
WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY STAFF.
WHAT'S MUCH MORE IMPORTAN
IS THAT WE HAVE A PARTY OF
AMERICANS ARRIVING TOMORROW,
AND THEY'RE GOING TO PAY
MORE THAN £1,500
FOR THE WEEKEND.
YEAH, AND WE
WANT THE LOLLY.
MORE THAN THAT,
I'M SURE WE'RE ALL AGREED,
WE DON'T WAN
TO DISAPPOINT THEM.
NOW, THEY'RE ON A TOUR,
YOU SEE?
OF ALL THE OLD RUINS
OF ENGLAND.
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,
MOST OF 'EM
ARE SITTIN' HERE.
I DON'T LIKE THAT MAN.
HE'S DEAD UNCOUTH.
NOW, LOOK,
I HAVE HERE
SOME OF THE OLD BROCHURES
FOR THE HOTEL.
NOW, YOU SEE
ON THE FRONT PAGE,
THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE STAFF THAT WERE
HERE BEFORE.
BEFORE YOU SACKED THEM?
COULDN'T AFFORD
TO PAY THEM ANYHOW.
OH, LOOK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THERE'S A WAITER HERE
LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
HE LOOKS
ALL HAUGHTY AND OLD.
I'M NOT BEING A WAITER,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
HINTING AT.
HE HAS A VERY DISTINGUISHED
MOUSTACHE,
SUCH AS WHAT YOU HAVE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HE'S NO
JUST A WAITER.
HE'S
THE HEADWAITER.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HEADWAITER IS A POSITION
OF ENORMOUS POWER.
YOU SEE, A LO
OF THAT GOES ON.
SHOULDN'T I
BE THE HEADWAITER?
THAT IS FOR THE TIPS.
YEAH, THEM YANKS
ARE VERY BIG
ON THAT SOR
OF THING.
OH, YES. THEY WERE
VERY GENEROUS
DURING THE WAR.
IF THERE WAS ANYTHING
YOU COULDN'T GET,
YOU COULD RELY ON THEM
TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
IT APPEARS
FROM THIS PHOTOGRAPH
THAT THERE ARE
TWO CHAMBERMAIDS.
AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THEY'RE NOT JUS
CHAMBERMAIDS.
THEY ALSO FULFILL
THE IMPORTANT FUNCTION
OF WAITRESSES!
WELL, I'M NOT BEING
A CHAMBERMAID AND THAT'S FINAL.
MISS BRAHMS IS QUITE RIGHT.
WE ARE RETIRED SALESPERSONS,
SPECIALIZING IN
LADIES' INTIMATE APPAREL.
WE DO NOT SEE OURSELVES
CREEPING UNDER BEDS,
PULLING OUT PO'S.
YES, AND I'M
UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
NOWADAYS WE DON'T HAVE
CHINA RECEPTACLES
UNDER BEDS.
WE HAVE BATHROOMS
EN SUITE.
YOU WOULD BE MORE
IN THE NATURE OF LADIES
OF THE BEDCHAMBER.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS
A BIT BETTER.
AND YOU'D GE
DOUBLE TIPS.
WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE BARMAN LOOKS
RIGHT UP YOUR STREET.
I HAVEN'T BEEN UP
THAT PARTICULAR STREE
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I LIKE THE JACKET.
YES, THEY MAKE
A SPECIAL FEATURE
OF HIM
IN THE BROCHURE.
YES. OH, HERE.
"OUR BARMAN, LUIGI,
IS RENOWNED
FOR HIS COCKTAILS
FROM MONTE CARLO
TO BIARRITZ.
BE SURE TO TRY
HIS DAIQUIRI."
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
IT'S A RUM COCKTAIL,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
AND IT GOES ON
"AND DON'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAMPLING
HIS OWN INVENTION,
A 'ZOMBIE SURPRISE"
THE CENTRAL FEATURE
OF WHICH
IS A WHOLE
FROZEN BANANA."
THAT'S ENOUGH TO SURPRISE
ANY ZOMBIE.
I SUPPOSE IT GOES
WITHOUT SAYING,
MR. RUMBOLD,
THAT YOU ARE THE STOU
BALD-HEADED MANAGER
WHO'S PLONKED HIMSELF
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE PHOTOGRAPH.
I AM PREPARED
TO UNDERTAKE THAT POSITION,
IN LIEU OF ANYBODY ELSE.
DO YOU GET TIPS AS WELL?
I BELIEVE
THAT'S NOT UNCOMMON.
IT WOULD SEEM TO ME
MOST UNFAIR
THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MISS BRAHMS,
AS WAITRESSES AND
LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER,
SHOULD GET TWICE
THE AMOUN
THAT MR. HUMPHRIES
AND I GE
IN OUR SINGULAR
CAPACITIES.
WITH RESPECT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I DON'T IMAGINE
THAT WAITRESSES
WILL GET AS BIG A TIP
AS WHAT YOU WILL
AS HEADWAITER.
NO, I CAN'T SEE
EITHER OF US
GETTING A BIG ONE
IN THE BEDCHAMBER.
CAN'T SEE MUCH COMING TO ME
OVER THE BAR.
AT LEAST YOU'RE IN
WITH A CHANCE
WITH YOUR
ZOMBIE SURPRISE.
MAY I SUGGEST,
THE BEST THING WOULD BE
IF WE ALL PUT OUR TIPS
INTO A BOX.
THEY CALL IT,
"THE TRONK,"
AND THEN,
AT THE END OF THE WEEK,
WE SHARE THEM ALL OUT.
AND THOSE DOING TWO JOBS
GET TWICE AS MUCH.
NOT AT ALL, NO.
THEY ONLY DO EACH JOB
FOR HALF THE TIME.
WELL, THE IMMEDIATE WORRY
IS THE PHOTOGRAPH AT 6:00.
I SUGGEST WE ALL GET READY.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU DO LOOK SMART.
THAT'S LUIGI'S
OLD JACKET,
ISN'T IT?
YES. DUE TO
THE STAFF SHORTAGE,
WE HAVE TO TAKE OVER
THEIR ROLES
FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH.
I'M THE BARMAN.
WELL, YOU'VE
CERTAINLY GO
THE FIGURE FOR IT.
THANK YOU. UNFORTUNATELY,
MR. LUIGI'S GO
SOME OF HIS ZOMBIE SURPRISE
ON THE FRONT.
COME HERE, I'LL SEE
IF I CAN RUB IT OFF.
'E WAS ALWAYS
GETTIN' DIRTY,
WAS MR. LUIGI.
MIND YOU,
'E WAS QUITE POPULAR
WITH THE GIRLS.
POPULAR WITH THE MEN
AN' ALL.
'E WAS WHA
YOU MIGHT CALL
AN "ALL-ROUNDER."
EXPECT YOU'LL BE
THE SAME.
WELL, I DO KNOW HOW
TO GET ON WITH PEOPLE.
YOU WATCH YOUR STEP
WITH THE GIRLS
OR YOU'LL BE
MAKIN' ME JEALOUS.
BY THE WAY,
I TOLD MY DAD
I WAS SLEEPIN'
IN YOUR BED.
YOU DIDN'T! DID
- HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THE STRAP, DID HE?
- NO.
'E SAID I WAS TO KEEP
TO MY SIDE O' THE BED,
AND GIVE YOU PLENTY
OF ROOM.
HE'S ALWAYS THINKIN'
OF OTHER PEOPLE,
IS DAD.
I EXPEC
I'LL GET USED
TO THESE COUNTRY WAYS,
EVENTUALLY.
AND 'E SAID
IF WE WERE COLD,
WE COULD GE
ANOTHER BLANKE
OUT OF THE CUPBOARD.
YOU KNOW, MAVIS,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
THERE'S BEEN A LO
OF EYEBROWS RAISED
OVER YOU AND I
SHARING A BED.
WELL, WHERE DO THEY
EXPECT ME TO SLEEP?
ON THE FLOOR?
MIND YA, I WILL
IF YOU'RE NOT COMFY.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I KNOW I'VE BEEN
A BIT TENSE
THESE LAST COUPLE
OF NIGHTS, BUT,
I THINK I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.
IT'S NICE
TO HAVE A PAL
TO CHAT TO IN BED,
ISN'T IT?
IT CERTAINLY IS,
INDEED.
OH, AND IN AN OLD,
CREAKY HOUSE LIKE THIS,
THERE'S LOTS OF
NOISES IN THE NIGHT.
YES, I EXPEC
THERE ARE.
SOMETIMES MY HAIR
STANDS ON END.
DOES IT?
DAD SAYS IT'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
IT'S JUS
THE SUPERNATURAL.
YOU JUS
GIVE ME A NUDGE
IF ANYTHING MAKES
YOURS STAND ON END.
OH.
I DON'T REALLY WAN
TO WORRY YOU AS WELL.
IT'S NO GOOD US BOTH
BEING FRIGHTENED, IS IT?
AH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE READY
FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH.
I WAS JUS
CLEANING 'IM UP.
OFF YOU GO THEN,
MR. 'UMPHRIES,
AND 'AVE
YOUR PHOTO TOOK.
AND DON'T FORGE
TO GIVE 'EM
THAT BIG SMILE
O' YOURS.
OOH-HO!
OH, HE'S A ONE,
ISN'T HE?
WELL,
HE USED TO BE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
UNFORTUNATELY,
MY PREDECESSOR
WAS RATHER SHORTER
THAN I AM.
SO, IN ORDER TO ATTACH
THE STIFF SHIRT FRON
TO THE TROUSERS,
I HAVE TO BEND
FORWARD LIKE THIS.
IF I STAND UP STRAIGHT,
WE HAVE THE FOLLOWING
RESULT:
IT'S LIKE BEING HI
UNDER THE CHIN
BY AN EXPRESS
ROLLER BLIND.
WELL, YOUR DICKEY'S
TOO SHORT.
MY GRANDDADDY USED
TO HAVE THAT TROUBLE.
HIS USED TO POP UP
EVERY TIME HE WEN
TO THE ODDFELLOWS.
I'M SURE WE CAN
MAKE DO WITH I
FOR THE PICTURE.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S HERE.
WE'LL HAVE EVERYBODY
IN A GROUP
ON THE STAIRS,
MR. MAXWELL.
- RIGHT.
- ARE THE STAFF READY?
I WELL, WE HAVE HAD
SLIGHT STAFF PROBLEMS.
WE DECIDED TO FILL
THE VACANCIES OURSELVES.
WELL, AS LONG AS WE
GET A GOOD PICTURE.
WHERE ARE
THE WAITRESSES?
RUMBOLD:
THEY'RE COMING
DOWN NOW.
THESE SKIRTS
ARE RIDICULOUS.
I SHALL CERTAINLY
HAVE TO LET MINE DOWN.
LUCKILY I HAVE
THE LEGS FOR IT.
THIS PICTURE
WILL BE CIRCULATED
ALL OVER AMERICA.
MADONNA'LL HAVE TO WATCH OUT.
OH, WHAT ABOU
THE HALL PORTER?
AH, I'VE HAD TO TAKE
A TEMPORARY MEASURE THERE.
I FEEL A RIGHT TURNIP
IN THIS.
IT'S ONLY
FOR THE PICTURE,
MR. MOULTERD.
I SUPPOSE YOU
ALL LOOK ALL RIGHT.
I'M AFRAID
I'VE GOT TO DASH.
MR. RUMBOLD,
I'M SURE I CAN LEAVE YOU
TO ORGANIZE
A NICE GROUP.
I'M SORRY
I HAVE TO GO.
GOODBYE.
PAY ATTENTION,
EVERYBODY.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A PHOTOGRAPH
OF OURSELVES
TAKEN BY
MR. MAXWELL.
WELL, HOW
DO YOU WANT US?
LET'S SEE.
I THINK WE'LL
BUILD UP
THE PICTURE.
WELL, I HOPE I
DON'T TAKE LONG.
THERE'S HENS TO FEED
AN' COWS TO MILK.
AND THE SOW'S WAITIN'
TO BE SERVICED
BY THE BOAR
FROM THE NEXT FARM.
I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND
WAITING FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.
NO, HE WON'T,
BUT SHE WILL.
SHE'S THAT KEEN,
SHE CLIMBS
IN THE WHEELBARROW HERSELF.
COULD WE NOT DISCUSS
THESE LURID DETAILS
AT SOME OTHER TIME?
YES. MRS. SLOCOMBE,
MISS BRAHMS,
COULD YOU TRY SITTING
ON THE, UH, FIFTH STAIR?
THE SIGHTS YOU SEE
WHEN YOU AIN'
GOT YOUR GUN!
DO WE HAVE TO SI
IN THIS POSITION?
WELL, IT'S JUS
TO ILLUSTRATE
THE SORT OF SERVICES
WE'RE OFFERING.
IN THAT CASE,
I SHOULD SIT SIDESADDLE.
PERHAPS WE WOULD BE
ON SAFER GROUND
IF YOU STOOD UP.
STAND TO EITHER SIDE
OF THE STAIR.
THAT'LL BE BETTER.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
COME AND STAND
BETWEEN THEM.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
COME AND STAND
AT THE END
BY THE BANISTER.
I THINK IT WOULD
BE BETTER
WITHOUT THE HAND
ON THE KNOB.
SHOULDN'T I BE HOLDING
A ZOMBIE SURPRISE?
I DON'T THINK SO,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
MR. MOULTERD, COME AND STAND
ON THE OTHER SIDE,
OPPOSITE MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND I'LL STAND
IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU STAND THERE
AND 90%
OF MY POSITION OF POWER
WILL BE OBSCURED.
WELL, MOVE UP ONE!
HOW'S THAT,
MR. MAXWELL?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S HEAD
IS OUT OF THE TOP
OF THE PICTURE.
OH, WELL THAT WON'T DO.
MOVE DOWN ONE.
I'LL SIT ON A CHAIR.
MR. MOULTERD, COULD WE
HAVE THE CHAIR OVER HERE?
- THAT'S IT.
- HERE Y' ARE, MR. RUMBLES.
THANK YOU, THAT'S IT.
NOW, I'LL SIT THERE.
THAT'S BETTER.
NOW I CAN ONLY SEE THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD, MR. RUMBOLD.
COME AND STAND
UP HERE, BESIDE ME.
IT'S A BIT CROWDED.
CAN THE LADIES HOLD
THEIR POSE?
I THOUGHT I MADE I
QUITE CLEAR
WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO
ANYTHING OF THE SORT.
OH.
ALL SMILE.
MR. RUMBOLD?
MR. MOULTERD LOOKS
AS THOUGH HE'S ADVERTISING
"ONE FLEW OVER
THE CUCKOO'S NEST."
YES, MR. MOULTERD.
COULD WE HAVE LESS TEETH?
WHICH SET D'YOU WANT?
TOP OR BOTTOM?
JUST A WRY SMILE,
MR. MOULTERD.
WRY SM
HOW DOES THAT GO?
OH, SHOW HIM,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
IF I DO THAT,
I'LL BE THE TALK
OF THE VILLAGE.
IMAGINE
YOU'RE LOOKING
AT THE SOW
WITH THE BOAR.
CAN'T DO THAT!
IT'S PRIVATE!
PERHAPS IT'D BE BETTER
IF MR. MOULTERD
LOOKED KEEN
AND INTELLIGENT?
WHAT?
BOTH TOGETHER?
OH, LOOK,
MR. MAXWELL,
TRY ONE,
PERHAPS WE'LL GET LUCKY.
I'LL LET A FLOOD
OF EMOTION
PASS OVER ME FACE
AND YOU TELL ME
WHEN TO STOP.
STOP!
RIGHT, NOW,
EVERYBODY SMILE
EXCEPT MR. MOULTERD.
RIGHT, READY?
HOLD IT
OH!
MY DICKEY'S
HIT MY CHIN AGAIN.
OH, I'M SORRY
I MISSED THAT!
OH, HELLO, MAVIS.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
OH, THEY'RE 'AVIN'
THEIR PHOTOS TOOK.
WHAT ON EARTH FOR?
WELL, THEY COULDN'
GET NO STAFF,
SO THEY'RE 'AVIN'
TO STAND IN FOR 'EM.
SOUNDS LIKE A RECIPE
FOR DISASTER.
WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK ME?
WELL, I THINK
THEY THINK YOU'RE ABOVE
ALL THAT SORT OF THING.
YOU HAVIN' PRIVATE QUARTERS
ABOVE THE STABLES,
AND YOU KNOWIN' MR. GRACE
SO WELL.
YES, I EXPEC
THEY'RE JEALOUS.
WELL, THERE'S A BI
OF THAT.
BUT NOT CAP'N PEACOCK.
I SEEN HIM OGLING YOU.
I'M AFRAID MEN
ARE ALL THE SAME.
NO. MR. HUMPHRIES
IS DIFFERENT.
YES, I'VE NOTICED.
I'M GLAD THEY'VE DECIDED
TO DO SOMETHING ABOU
THE STAFF PROBLEM.
IT'LL BE NICE
TO GET SOME SERVICE
AROUND HERE.
AND ONE LAST PICTURE.
HOLD IT!
- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU,
MR. MAXWELL.
WE SHALL BE LOOKING FORWARD
TO SEEING THE PRINTS.
CAN I GET OU
O' THIS MONKEY SUIT?
BEFORE
MR. MOULTERD GOES,
DON'T YOU THINK
WE SHOULD HAVE
A PLAN OF CAMPAIGN
AS TO WHA
ACTUALLY HAPPENS
WHEN THE GUESTS
ARRIVE?
THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I WAS ABOU
TO SUGGEST IT.
OH, YOU ALL LOOK
RATHER GOOD.
I'M SURPRISED
YOU DIDN'T ASK ME
TO GIVE YOU A HAND.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU'D
BE GOOD AT ANYTHING.
I HARDLY THINK
MISS LOVELOCK
WILL HAVE HAD ANY PRACTICAL
EXPERIENCE IN A HOTEL.
AND I THINK
SHE'LL HAVE HAD
MOST OF HER EXPERIENCE
IN AN HOTEL.
OF COURSE, I HAVEN'
ACTUALLY BEEN ON THE STAFF.
BUT AS MR. GRACE'S COMPANION,
I'VE BEEN A GUES
IN SOME OF THE BEST HOTELS
IN THE WORLD.
I'M MORE THAN
QUALIFIED TO SAY
IF YOU'RE UP
TO STANDARD OR NOT.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
LET MISS LOVELOCK ACT,
AS IT WERE, AS A GUEST.
GIVE US A CHANCE
TO IRON OUT ANY WRINKLES
- BEFORE THE REAL GUESTS ARRIVE.
- I SHOULD BE DELIGHTED.
AND I THINK WE COULD
UNDERTAKE TO IMPLEMEN
ANY SUGGESTIONS
THAT YOU MAY HAVE.
GOOD!
WHERE DO WE START?
WELL, LET'S MAKE I
AS REALISTIC AS POSSIBLE.
AND ANY COMMENTS,
MISS LOVELOCK,
DON'T HOLD BACK!
I TAKE IT,
YOU'RE THE MANAGER?
- YES, OF COURSE.
- THEN I SUGGEST YOU
POLISH YOUR SHOES
BEFORE YOUR GUESTS
ARRIVE.
SHE DIDN'T HOLD THAT BACK,
DID SHE?
YES, WELL, THAT WAS
A VERY GOOD COMMENT.
I SHALL SEE TO IT.
BELLBOY! MAKE SURE
YOU POLISH THESE SHOES
BETTER IN FUTURE.
DON'T YOU START ON ME!
I'M JUST HERE
FOR THE PHOTO.
MR. MOULTERD,
WE'RE ALL DOING
OUR BEST TO FILL IN
FOR THE TIME BEING.
YES, IT'S
ONLY TEMPORARY.
IF YOU COULD SEE
YOUR WAY
TO HELPING US,
MR. MOULTERD?
WELL, I DON'T MIND,
BUT THAT BOAR'LL BE OVER HERE
IF SHE DON'T ARRIVE SOON.
SHE'LL BE PAS
HER DO-BY DATE.
LET'S ASSUME YOU'VE
JUST ARRIVED.
OVER TO YOU,
MISS LOVELOCK.
GET MY BAGS
OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE.
I'LL SEND THE BELLBOY
IMMEDIATELY.
MOULTERD!
BAGS OUT OF CAR.
"PLEASE" WOULD'VE
BEEN NICE.
CAN'T EXPECT ANY POLITENESS
FROM A BLOKE LIKE YOU.
I AM CUTHBERT RUMBOLD,
THE MANAGER.
WELCOME TO
MILLSTONE MANOR.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
THE STAFF.
THIS IS STEPHEN,
OUR HEADWAITER.
WOULD YOU CARE
FOR THE MENU?
DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE THAT TROUBLE
WITH YOUR DICKEY?
THIS IS LUIGI,
OUR INTERNATIONAL BARMAN.
( FAKING ITALIAN ACCENT )
I GOTTA EVERYTHING YOU WANNA.
I MAKE-A DA SHORT DRINKS,
I MAKE-A DA LONG DRINKS,
I SHAKE-A DA COCKTAILS.
YOU SOUND LIKE
AN ITALIAN GRACIE FIELDS.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT THERE AIN'T NO BAGS,
AND THERE AIN'T NO CAR.
JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE
BRINGING THEM IN,
MR. MOULTERD!
WHAT SHOULD I IMAGINE,
BIG BAGS OR LITTLE BAGS?
OH, PLEASE YOURSELF.
NOW, THIS
IS SHIRLEY,
AND THIS IS BETTY.
ARE THESE
THE SKIVVIES?
WE ARE WAITRESSES
AND LADIES
OF THE BEDCHAMBER.
YES, AND WE GE
DOUBLE BUBBLE.
I DON'T THINK OLDER WOMEN
SHOULD WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS.
AND I THINK
YOUNGER WOMEN
SHOULD WATCH
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
OR THEY'RE LIABLE TO GE
A BUNCH OF FIVES
UP THEIR HOOTER.
DARLING, I'M ONLY DOING THIS
TO BE HELPFUL.
"THE BELLS,
THE BELLS!"
MR. MOULTERD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BRINGIN'
IN THE BAGS!
A BIG BAG
AN' A LITTLE BAG.
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,
THE LESS THE GUESTS SEE
OF THE STAFF, THE BETTER,
SO, NO INTRODUCTIONS.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE OVER
THE RECEPTION AND DO
THE WELCOMING.
HANDS UP,
THOSE WHO'D LIKE MISS LOVELOCK
TO DO THE WELCOMING?
HANDS UP, THOSE WHO'D
LIKE MISS LOVELOCK
TO GET THE SACK?
I THINK WE SHOULD ABIDE
BY HER DECISION.
AFTER ALL, SHE HAS BEEN
IN THE INTERNATIONAL SET.
HMM, AND NO DOUBT,
VICE VERSA.
LOOK, THIS NEEDS
PROPER ORGANIZATION.
THE PORTER'S HOPELESS.
YOU BE THE PORTER,
MR. RUMBOLD.
- WHAT?! ME?
- YES, YOU.
I I
I MUST PROTEST.
I THOUGHT WE
TOOK IT AS AGREED
THAT MISS LOVELOCK'S
DECISION IS FINAL.
WELL, WHO'S
GONNA DO MY JOB?
SOMEONE WITH CHARM
AND AUTHORITY.
WELL, I'M QUITE HAPPY
BEING THE BARMAN.
I WAS REFERRING
TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HEH, HEH.
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,
WILL BE THE HEADWAITER.
- WITHOUT THE DICKEY.
- I PREFER IT THAT WAY.
WELL, WHO'S GONNA
DO THE BAR?!
MISS BRAHMS
HAS THE LOOKS
FOR A BARMAID.
RIGHT,
I'LL DO THE BAR.
YOU'RE BANNED.
WELL, THAT SEEMS TO LEAVE ME
WITHOUT A POSITION.
WELL, YOU CAN
DO THE BEDROOMS,
BE A WAITRESS,
HELP IN THE KITCHEN,
AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE
TRY AND KEEP OUT OF SIGHT.
IF YOU NEED
ANY MORE DECISIONS,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
I DO THINK
THAT WAS CRUEL.
I THOUGHT I LOOKED
RATHER NICE.
( MUMBLING )
THE ROTTEN BITCH!
DON'T UPSET YOURSELF,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
RIGHT HERE, AND SHE
GOT RIGHT UP MY NOSE!
SHE WAS ONLY
TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
WOMEN OF MY AGE OUGHTN'
TO BE WORKING AT ALL
SOMEBODY
HAD TO WIN THE WAR.
WE ASKED FOR HER OPINIONS,
AND WE GOT THEM.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I DON'T MIND
BEING A WAITRESS
AND SWEEPING UNDER THE BEDS.
HERE YA ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
HERE'S SOME BRANDY.
SAY "WHEN."
I HAVEN'T SAID "WHEN."
OH, THANK YOU,
MISS BRAHMS.
IS SHE UPSE
ABOUT SUMMAT?
SHE WANTED A MORE
IMPORTANT POSITION.
COR, I AIN'T SEEN HER
THAT UPSET SINCE 1942,
WHEN SHE THOUGHT I'D PUT HER
IN THE FAMILY WAY.
I'LL KILL HIM!
I'LL KILL HIM!
( SOBBING )
( THUNDER )
OH, MISS BRAHMS,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I DON'T LIKE BEING
ON MY OWN IN A STORM.
WELL, I WAS
IN THE BATHROOM,
BUT I DIDN'T BRUSH
ME TEETH.
I WAS FRIGHTENED
TO TOUCH THE TAP
BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTNING.
VERY WISE.
MY HUSBAND'S BROTHER
WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.
OH, WAS HE UNDER A TREE?
NO, HE WAS ON THE DODGEMS
AT A FAIRGROUND,
AND THE LIGHTENING WEN
STRAIGHT DOWN THE POLE.
IT MELTED ALL THE LOOSE CHANGE
IN HIS TROUSER POCKETS.
OH, DID THE INSURANCE
PAY OUT?
NO, THEY COULDN'T REPLACE
WHAT HE'D LOST.
ARE YOU FEELING
BETTER NOW?
WELL, YES, THAT BRANDY
GAVE ME A BIT OF A BOOST.
BUT THAT MISS LOVELOCK
REALLY UPSET ME.
( THUNDER )
OOH, OH, MY GOODNESS.
THAT WAS A NEAR ONE.
OH, MY POOR TIDDLES.
SHE'LL BE TERRIFIED.
SHE HATES THUNDER.
I THINK I'LL TAKE HER
INTO BED WITH ME.
YES, SHE SHOULD BE
BACK BY NOW.
BACK?!
WHAT D'YOU MEAN "BACK"?!
I JUST SAW HER
GOIN' FOR A WALK
DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
- OH, OOH. OH, MISS BRAHMS.
- OOH!
THE LIGHTS
HAVE GONE OUT.
HAVE YOU GO
ANY MATCHES?
OH, YES, THERE ARE SOME
IN MY PORTMANTEAU,
UNDER THE BED.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
LIKED IT IN THE DARK.
THERE'S A CANDLE HERE,
SO IT MUST'VE
HAPPENED BEFORE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK:
IS THAT YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
KINDLY AVERT YOUR TORCH.
- THE LIGHTS
HAVE GONE OUT.
- WE HAD NOTICED.
WE'VE GOT A CANDLE HERE,
IF YOU'VE GOT A LIGHT.
OH, YES.
LOOK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUSSY?
NOT RECENTLY.
IT'S GONE MISSING.
PERHAPS IT'S GONE
MOUSING?
WELL, I'VE GO
TO FIND HER.
WHERE'S
MY DRESSING GOWN?
MR. HUMPHRIES?
MR. HUMPHRIES?!
WAKE UP.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MEN.
FOLLOW ME.
- WAKE UP.
- HMM? MM!
WHAT IS IT?
THERE'S A GREAT RUMBLIN',
AND THERE'S BEEN
BANGIN' AND FLASHIN'.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT HOLDING ME RESPONSIBLE.
A STORM!
( THUNDER )
SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
DO YOU KNOW,
I WAS JUST DREAMING
I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE CHARGE OF
THE LIGHT BRIGADE?
AND LORD CARDIGAN
HAD TOLD ME TO PU
MY HAT ON STRAIGHT,
AND YOU POKED ME
IN THE RIBS.
THE LIGHTS
'AVE GONE OUT,
AND WE'VE BEEN PLUNGED
INTO DARKNESS.
AT TIMES LIKE THIS,
THE OLD HOUSE
HAS A LIFE OF ITS OWN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?
DO YOU MIND IF I MOVE
A BIT CLOSER?
IF YOU SPEAK UP,
I CAN HEAR YOU
FROM WHERE YOU ARE.
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS,
YOU CAN HEAR I
WALKIN' ABOUT.
MOVE A BIT CLOSER.
WHAT CAN YOU HEAR
WALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE HEAR IT,
BUT NO ONE'S SEEN IT.
BUT WHEN IT'S AROUND,
THERE'S A CHILL IN THE AIR.
- ( FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING )
- I'M REALLY GLAD YOU'VE
TOLD ME THIS.
( DOOR CREAKING )
( BOTH SCREAM )
THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT.
I'LL GO AND SEE IF THE LADIES
ARE ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU BE CAREFUL.
MAVIS SAYS
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS
THERE'S A THING
WALKING ABOU
THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
OH.
I'LL GET ANOTHER CANDLE.
I'M GOING TO FIND
MR. MOULTERD
AND GET HIM
TO CHECK THE FUSES.
- WE'RE GOING FOR TIDDLES.
- AH HMM?
NOW THEN,
MISS BRAHMS,
STAY CLOSE BEHIND ME.
YES, I WILL.
OH, YOU'RE SHIVERING.
ARE YOU COLD?
NO, I'M JUS
DEAD SCARED.
NOW, IF WE KEEP
VERY QUIET,
WE MAY BE ABLE TO HEAR
TIDDLES BREATHING.
- SHE HAS A TOUCH
OF ASTHMA, YOU KNOW?
- OH, RIGHT.
( THUNDER, SCREAMS )
OH, THAT WAS
HORRIBLE.
OH, YES.
IT WAS MR. RUMBOLD.
I'M SORRY.
I SEEM TO BE HAVING
A DRAMATIC EFFEC
ON EVERYBODY
THIS EVENING.
WELL, WHA
DO YOU EXPECT?
YOU LOOK LIKE
AN ILLUMINATED
GARGOYLE!
ARE YOU BOTH ALL RIGHT?
MR. HUMPHRIES SAYS
THAT ON NIGHTS LIKE THIS,
SOMETHING RATHER GHASTLY
WALKS ABOUT IN THE CORRIDOR.
WE'VE JUST SEEN IT.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
PUSSY?
YES, I JUST PASSED I
IN THE CORRIDOR.
ITS TAIL WAS ERECT,
ITS EARS WERE FLAT,
AND ITS EYES WERE LOOKING
WITH A SORT OF GLAZED LOOK,
AS THOUGH IT HAD
JUST SEEN SOMETHING.
HMM, PROBABLY JUST SEEN YOU.
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY,
I'LL GO AND GET IT.
HAVE ANOTHER CANDLE.
THANK YOU.
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
- KITTY!
- ( CAT MEOWS )
( THUMPING WALL )
KITTY, KITTY?
( THUMPS )
( THUMPS )
( DOOR CREAKING OPEN )
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY?
( DOOR CREAKING )
DID YOU
HEAR THAT?
THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT.
THE STORM'S AWAKENED IT,
AND IT'S CREAKIN'.
( DOOR CREAKING )
I THINK
IT NEEDS OILING.
( THUMPING )
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
( THUMPING RHYTHMICALLY )
HAS IT GO
A WOODEN LEG?
KITTY?
KITTY, KITTY?
KITTY.
HE'S TAKING
A VERY LONG TIME.
HE'S PROBABLY
SCARED HER OFF.
STAY CLOSE BEHIND ME,
MISS BRAHMS.
DON'T YOU WORRY,
I WILL.
- ( SCREAMS )
- OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
I WISH YOU
WOULDN'T DO THAT.
IT'S SCARY ENOUGH
WITHOUT YOU FRIGHTENIN' US.
MR. RUMBOLD SAID
THAT THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU WOULDN'T WISH TO MEE
WALKING ABOU
THE CORRIDORS.
ONLY THE FEEBLE MINDED
WOULD BELIEVE THA
SORT OF THING.
- AAH! OH!
- ARGH!
ALL MY LIGHTS
HAVE GONE OUT.
A FEW OF MINE HAVE.
COME ON!
( ALL SCREAM )
THERE'S THINGS
ABROAD TONIGH
BEYOND THE KEN
OF THE LIKES OF WE.
YOU GO TO BED
AND LOCK YOUR DOORS.
- NOT WITHOUT MY TIDDLES.
- ( CAT MEOWS )
SOUNDS LIKE IT COME
FROM BEHIND HERE.
OH! TIDDLES!
ARE YOU IN THERE?
( ALL SCREAM )
( BOTH SCREAM )
DAD, WHAT'RE
YOU DOIN'?
BOLTIN' THE DOOR!
I'VE JUST SEEN
SUMMAT HORRIBLE!
HAVE YOU MENDED
THE FUSES?
NO, I DON'
INTEND TO.
MOVE OVER,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
THERE'S SOMETHIN' STRANGE
GOIN' ON OUT THERE.
WELL, IT'S LUCKY
EVERYTHING'S NORMAL IN HERE.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )