Arrested Development s01e05 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth always rode his bike to work but the recent heat wave had taken some of the fun out of it.
It had also caused problems in his presentation to the Bluth Company investors.
There's no screwups with the permits this time? The permits have been filed absolutely on time.
You have my word on that.
Um, I'll tell you what.
Let me get some of this, uh Well, as you can The important part is here.
- Bye, you guys.
Really great to see you again.
- Bye.
They think you're full of - I think it's the sweating.
- I've gotta get a car.
Don't worry.
I told them the truth.
- That I rode here on a bike? - That the permits weren't filed.
But my dad filed the permits before he went to jail.
He most certainly did not.
So, I just lied to the investors? - You most certainly did.
- That's really great.
Now I gotta ride my bike out to the prison and talk to my dad about this.
That'll be fun in 100-degree heat.
Why don't you take your dad's car? No.
Dad would never go for that.
No, no, no, no.
There's no ice cream in the car.
- I'll be careful.
- All right.
This is what we're gonna do.
Careful, Michael.
Oh.
- Whatever you think.
- Yeah.
But I did see Gob driving it last week.
Wait.
Honestly, Gob's driving the car? I'm not the liar.
Michael needed his father's car so he went to confront his brother Gob.
- Give me a Gob.
- Gob! No, I didn't mean for you to yell my name at me.
It's what I call a double-dipped banana with everything on it.
Hey, I can't believe you.
I asked you two weeks ago whether we should use Dad's car, and you said it would be bad form.
- Now I hear you're driving it.
- That is a lie, a bold-faced lie! Gob was lying.
He had been driving his father's car.
Why don't you just take your precious, portable stairway vehicle you're always trying to convince us is a car? Yeah, that would be great, except our brother-in-law left it in an airport parking lot.
From whence it came, huh? In fact, Tobias had intended to park the family's only vehicle at the airport parking lot but was waved on to the tarmac instead where he found a spot close to his gate.
Here you go, Uncle Gob.
I had to use two sticks to support all the extra chocolate and nuts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Whoa.
Two sticks and extra chocolate? Is it Mardi Gras? What are you charging for that? - He doesn't like to discuss money.
- I don't like to discuss money.
- You don't pay for it? - A Bluth banana? No, I hadn't planned on it.
But I'll tell you what if you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character I'll sign off on that, Mr.
Banana-Grabber.
No, no, no, no, no.
No more banana grabbing.
No more car grabbing.
- Throw that away, please.
- But it's already made.
I don't care.
Nobody gets it now, okay? - Are you happy? - My own brother, Michael.
My own selfish brother.
- Michael.
- All right.
I do not want you to get upset.
He did not mean that.
- Sometimes he says - Selfish Michael.
He did not mean that either.
Michael then went to his sister to find his father's car.
What car? I don't know what you're talking about.
Dad's car.
The one you didn't tell me that you had even though I had to ride my bicycle to work all week.
Oh, Dad's car.
Well, obviously, I'm gonna use it if it's an emergency.
Lindsay had such an emergency three days earlier when her salon was able to squeeze her in at the last moment.
That color's discontinued! I have to get ready for the bachelorette auction.
The bachelorette auction? You know you're married.
You just go to dinner with the guy.
It's for charity.
That's what you said about posing for the Ladies of Literacy Calendar.
The one with the pictures of all the 30-year-old women in lingerie with their nipples covered by copies of Oliver Twist.
Yeah, that made a big difference for the young ones.
It would have if it didn't get banned from the schools.
Come on, face it.
You do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego.
You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.
- The wetlands.
- To do what with them? - Dry them.
- Save them.
From drying.
Which is more than you would ever do.
You're, like, the least charitable person I know.
I don't do anything for myself.
Everything that I do is for this family.
Oh, you don't do it for us, Michael.
You just do it because you love being the guy in charge.
Cause you love saying no, like you said to Gob when he wanted a frozen banana.
And even after he gave you the rights to his Mr.
Banana-Grabber character.
You know what? I will start doing my charity work when you start doing yours.
In the meantime, where's the car? I think Buster has it.
I don't know.
It's on the schedule.
There is a schedule? I always try so hard not to look at this thing.
- So Michael went to find Buster.
- Who let you in? - So Michael went to find Buster.
- Who let you in? Your new cleaning woman.
What happened to Luz? Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital.
That's Lupe, her sister.
- God, I hope she's okay.
- She's awful.
Can barely wash a dish.
Uh-oh.
She better not walk through here after she's been in there.
- Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
- Mother.
- Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
- Mother.
Oh, please.
They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.
Wow.
Don't you judge me.
You're the selfish one.
You're the one who charged his own brother for a Bluth frozen banana.
I mean, it's one banana, Michael.
What could it cost, $ 10? You've never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you? I don't have time for this.
I've got to get ready for the bachelorette auction.
You're doing that? You can't possibly tell me that you care about the wetlands.
I care about going for more money than Lucille Austero.
In fact, Lucille Bluth had made sure of that.
- Lucille! - I got you tickets to The Producers.
I already saw it in New York.
But that's of no use to a woman whose vertigo makes flying a grotesque misadventure.
You must have scrimped and saved for these.
But isn't this the night of the auction? - Is it? - You seem pretty confident.
Oh, I think there's a certain bachelor who won't mind coming home with me at the end of the evening.
- Buster.
- Where did he go? Buster! Why do you hide every time the doorbell rings? I'm not hiding.
- Buster was hiding from Lucille Austero.
After inadvertently flirting with her at a social event while not wearing his glasses Lucille had been pursuing him ever since.
Buster, hi.
It's me again.
I've still got those Producers tickets, and I'd love to share them with you.
I don't want you to think I'm taking this more seriously than you "are and unless you're planning some grand romantic gesture my feelings are just the teensiest bit hurt.
" - What are you going to do? - Bid on you.
- How much? - Ten thousand dollars.
- When? - When they call my name.
No, they're not going to call your name.
They're going to call my name.
Good grief.
Hey, Busty.
You been using Dad's car? No.
Uh, well, yes.
- You got the keys? - Uh, probably in my school pants.
- Okay.
- I have been a part of this archeological dig.
- Hmm.
- I think we found a part of a pterodactyl under Fashion Island.
Be careful.
Oh! That was 90% gravity.
It is my day on the schedule, but I guess you get them first.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I need my rape whistle back.
You got all your stuff out of the car? Yeah, I left my, um, homework in the backseat, but I can get it later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Help.
Michael surveyed the damage to his father's car the partially excavated skull, the spilled nail polish the burned seats and he came to an important decision.
Well, I'm getting some ice cream I can tell you that right now.
Michael, now able to drive to prison confronted his father about the permits.
How come you didn't tell me that you didn't file them? I'm under a lot of pressure.
I'm trying to get my newsletter off the ground and I'm trying to decide which gang to align myself with.
- Is it pledge week already? - I've got it down to two but, honestly, I just don't even want to choose.
I just feel I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance.
Listen, about that permit thing, that's an easy fix.
just break into the permit office, slip the application into the next file then you tell them, you know, "Hey, you guys screwed up.
" - I'm not doing that, Dad.
- Michael, you lied to your investors.
You gotta make that right.
Call Gob.
He'll handle it.
That's what That's what he's for.
That's what he's for.
You better tell him I'm asking.
I don't think he's gonna do it for you after you wouldn't even give him a frozen banana, Michael? - What is there, a chat room that you guys - That's not charitable.
Never mind.
I'll tell Gob that you want him to do this.
- Okay.
I got a dance I gotta get ready for.
- Whoa.
There's really a dance? I don't know.
Both sides are making a lot of promises.
You should call this a Gob, guy.
Gob, can I talk to you for a sec? Listen, um, I'm really sorry about before.
I said some things, and I got a little carried away.
It's not the way you're supposed to treat a brother especially one that I value so highly.
- Oh, I need a favor.
- That was subtle.
- Did you just whistle? - I had to buy a candied apple when you denied me a banana, so, yeah, I'm whistling.
- Satisfied? - It's not that noticeable.
Listen.
- Dad would like for you to break into the permit office.
- Dad? - Dad said he wanted me for that? - Yes, he did.
- Will you do it? - Maybe.
I have some conditions.
- Terms.
- Boy.
- One condition and one term.
- All right.
- Let's have the condition first.
- Free banana whenever I want.
- Single dip.
- Double dip, but I'll take one stick.
- All right.
What else? - Creative control spin-off rights and theme park approval for Mr.
Banana-Grabber, Baby Banana-Grabber and any other Banana-Grabber family character that might emanate therefrom.
I retain animation rights, and we're gonna go back to single dip.
- Done.
- Great.
What else? You humiliated me in front of my nephew.
I expect you to fix that.
I want the respect of your son.
You better let me do the talking.
George Michael, your uncle has a request.
One Bluth banana, George Michael.
Go ahead, give it to him.
Gob deserves your respect.
And from now on, I want you to do whatever he asks you to do, okay? After all, he is your uncle, and I think we ought to just embrace that.
- Thank you.
- Have I held up my end of the deal? I can't believe I gave you animation rights.
I hope that doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.
Meanwhile, Lindsay, wanting to prove to Michael that she was a charitable person, joined a group of activists dedicated to preserving the wetlands.
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm gonna need a taxi.
I don't know if that smell is you, the car something you ate or something you're about to eat but my God, you're in a service business! - Hello.
- I'm in the wetlands.
I've got a poker thing, and I'm gonna clean them up.
So the next time you wanna tell me that I'm uncharitable why don't you just ask yourself who called you from the wetlands? - Who is this? - Nice try.
You're the selfish one.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some nature to save.
While Lindsay was finding it difficult to be truly charitable Michael was looking for an opportunity to rise to Lindsay's challenge and that's when he recognized his mother's fill-in housekeeper at a bus stop.
Hello there.
You're not riding the bus today.
Get in this car.
I'm not taking no for an answer.
Come on.
Don't make me get out of this car and put you in here myself.
- That's right.
Here we go.
- Unfortunately, the woman he picked up wasn't Lupe, but was a total stranger.
And upon seeing bones, a shovel and what appeared to be blood she realized he wasn't who she thought he was.
Mister, please.
This is gonna be tricky.
I don't speak Spanish.
Yo "escared.
" - Uh-huh.
- "Izquierdo.
" I know that one.
Left turn it is, Mrs They call me selfish.
Michael thought he was helping his mother's housekeeper - but he had the wrong woman.
- I guess it would just be a guy who you know, grabs bananas and runs or, uh, a banana that grabs things.
I don't know.
Why would a banana grab another banana? Those are the kind of questions I don't wanna answer.
- Hello.
- Oh, Michael, it's so beautiful here.
- You have to come down and see this.
- I'm a little busy right now.
I've got someone else in the car with me and I'm not going anywhere until she's taken care of.
Look, I screwed up, okay? I'm lost.
And I hate them.
I hate the wetlands.
They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere.
And I think I maced a crane, Michael.
Look, you've got Dad's car.
Why don't you come pick me up? Crazy.
Loco.
Listen, we gotta make a little detour, okay? So I hope no one's waiting for you.
In fact, the woman Michael thought was Lupe did have people waiting for her and they had reported her missing.
The real Lupe, however, was leaving Lucille's for the evening.
Buster, l Oh.
Hello.
It appears my one-time admirer is not planning some grand romantic gesture after all.
You know what? It's his loss.
It's his loss.
It's his loss! Gob, meanwhile, was casing the permit office following the first rule of surveillance never get noticed.
Carrier Express.
- Say, you're not our regular guy.
- No, I'm the substitute.
Hey, Gary, get a picture of me with the new whistling delivery guy.
Gob realized he needed a new plan.
So, I need you to give your father a message for me.
All right.
You heard my dad.
I have to do whatever you ask me to.
Right.
I forgot about that.
All right.
Take this lock-pick set, break into the permit office for me.
- No, I think I better check with my dad first.
- Well You're gonna break into a permit office? Sweet.
Can I come? And George Michael saw a chance to get closer to Maeby.
You know, my dad hates to micromanage.
Let's just do this.
And back at the wetlands Lindsay finally found her taxi.
Oh, good Lord.
You smell worse than before.
Oh, my God.
It's me! - And in her haste to leave the wetlands she forgot to call Michael.
Hey.
Hey! Stay there.
What are you doing? Get in the car.
Don't move.
Lindsay! Linds! Come on.
I'm tired of looking.
She's not here.
She probably never was here.
She set me up.
This is probably all about the car.
I'm gonna kill her! Hey! Where are you going? Hello! I'm trying to help you.
You're welcome.
Meanwhile, Gob met with his father to discuss the permit office break-in.
So I say to Michael, "If it's so important to Dad, I'll look past your selfishness and do it.
" There's a dentist in here who, uh, took liberties with his patients.
- I'm gonna ask him to look at whatever is happening with you.
- Thanks, Pop.
Hey, my stock is never gonna be higher with his gang than it is right now.
Yeah.
So have you, uh, made a decision or I don't know.
I thought I had it down to two but then the Haitians made this beautiful pitch.
So, uh, any trouble at the, uh, permit office? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Easy.
- I delegated, just like you taught me.
- Who'd you get? George Michael.
- My grandson? - Yeah.
You got my 14-year-old grandson to do this.
Under 18 walks out clean.
Listen, um, there's a very strict "no touching" policy here, but Oh, what the hell.
It's worth a week in the hotbox.
- No touching! - You stupid ass.
And George Michael was successful - with the lock pick Gob had given him.
- What are you doing? We're supposed to put the form in the wrong file.
I know.
I'm just leaving my calling card.
I thought we didn't want anyone to know we were here.
It's a little late for that.
Our fingerprints are everywhere.
You said they weren't gonna check for fingerprints.
No.
I said don't wear your mittens.
I didn't want you to look stupid on the security camera.
- There's a security camera? - Security breach Someone's coming.
What do we do? I don't know.
I always get caught.
Save yourself.
I'll take the hit.
My record's clean.
I got my bike seat stolen once but I don't think it counts on your record if you're the victim.
There is a record of this, but it's not like I'm Thanks.
I'll take the rap next time we do something like this, okay? Next time.
Hold it! And Lindsay made it to the Save the Wetlands auction - with moments to spare.
- Hey, Mom.
Oh, honey.
You're not supposed to show up as the wetlands.
While Lucille was waiting for Buster to show up and bid on her Buster was waiting for the other Lucille to leave for what he assumed was The Producers but was now, in fact, the bachelorette auction.
And Lindsay was finally up for auction which Michael arrived just in time to see.
What do I hear for Lindsay Bluth? Gentlemen, it's a good cause.
- And as Michael looked at his sister uncertain whether her face was red from embarrassment or the sun damage it was clear she had been in the wetlands that day.
One thousand.
Seriously? Sold to the man who truly knows what charity is.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Lucille.
- Move! Move! Move! Move! - Who is the lucky bachelor - And Buster showed upjust in time Ten thousand dollars! - Buster! - to bid on the wrong Lucille.
How grand! How terribly grand! Well, how embarrassing.
My own brother buying me? I'd rather die.
Thank you.
Maybe you're not that selfish.
You actually went out there.
I was impressed you gave it a shot.
Excuse me.
Is this your car? Yes.
It's his.
- You're under arrest - Ow! Ow! for the forced abduction of Helen Maria Delgado.
What'd you do? just trying to be a good guy.
Me too.
Me too.
Let's go see Pop-Pop.
On the next Arrested Development.
Michael gets a lucky break when Helen makes the same mistake that he did.
- Four.
Cuatro.
- Four, step forward.
And Gob kicks himself for a bad business decision.
Look, a seagull! I never should've given up animation rights.