Avenue 5 (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
He's Only There to Stop His Skeleton Falling Over
1 One, two.
One, two.
Hello, I'm Jordan.
Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.
Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Uh - Two, two.
Is this thing on? - Yeah, it's on.
No I know.
It's a bit.
The "is this on" thing, to imply that the audience weren't laughing.
Best thing about doing stand-up in space? Literally no pressure.
- Is this thing on? - Yup.
No, I know it's And then I'll plug the beer.
And when I first took this gig on, they told me that I needed enough material to cover the first half of the journey, so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters.
Is that funny? - Or is that too much maths? - "Math.
" I can't look! God! That's not good.
- It's shit.
- It's all shit! Hey, maybe they heard your set.
Captain, you ready to do this? I'd always hoped that my last words might be better than "Fuck me, no.
" I don't know how to attach the tether.
There should be an instruction panel right in front of you.
To attach your safety tether - Oh, f - simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp to release the G Catch.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Well, you fucking try it.
Okay, it's a spacewalk, so walk.
So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? - The inside of my eyelids.
- Ha.
Ah.
There appears to be no floor.
Yes, Captain.
You You really make this look easy.
Why is he flailing around like that? What - No.
Look.
He's upright now.
- Yes.
Uh, no, just gone back.
Where are you going? I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink.
Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? - Or "come back in".
- Engineering? - Present.
- Yeah, not you.
Looking at wet suit protocol three now.
Captain Courageous needs to locate the lateral access valve where it intersects with the Intersects with the binary caps from the lower deck.
Did you get that? All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here.
" Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.
Estimate of her velocity, Captain? - I might actually sneeze.
- He can't hear you because - well, you know, he's outside - What happens then? - Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? - Good point.
Get me in his ear.
I'll walk him home.
Is there one? Could you look that up? - Hola.
- Gracias.
Yeah, in other devastating news, Spike is about to join the auto comms.
The icing on the shit.
I got you now, buddy.
- Whoa! She's a gusher.
- Please don't call it "she.
" Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.
I'm gonna go check on a valve.
Billie? Okay.
Mr.
Tambourine Man, you're up.
- Yeah, sure.
- Billie? So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three.
It's just a thing we do.
- We love you, Spike! - Okay, Captain, I'm splitting forward protocol three.
It's just It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.
Make way for the shit shooter.
- Oh God, was that me? - It's a little bit of all of us.
Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! I think she's talking to me.
Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside.
Would that have been easier at all? - Oh! Bugger me.
- Oh no! Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.
Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them.
And girls.
Uh, women.
Not me, though.
Mm-mm.
Other way, other way.
Don't worry, Captain.
You got this.
I've got this.
Turn it this way.
Of course I've got it! I was born getting it.
I haven't got it.
Help me more.
That's it.
- Oh! - Ugh.
Yes! - Yeah! - Whoo! Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! You're going to the White House? Oh, yes.
Time to do some corporate begging.
Yes! There he is! There he is.
I believed in you! Unlike Iris.
She already rented out your cabin.
That was nothing! But then, what isn't? He's so modest, he could almost be British.
Why the fuck did I say that? I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental.
I was very, very proud of how Captain Ryan followed my direction out there.
You were out of depth on the bridge.
Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position.
Right, well Fucking balls.
Burn those suits, they smell like hell! I can actually hear that smell.
Hey, beautiful.
Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth and turn around to head back.
I know.
Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.
But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party.
Hey, is is that true? Well, it was true when I said it.
Like a marriage vow.
And you just kept this up? Sure.
I mean, we could still have a "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party.
- Yeah, that could work.
- Spike gets it.
We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers.
The only other use would be for your funeral.
Hey.
It's the shit whisperer.
Hey, Benjamin Button! Shit stack walking.
Frankenfuck.
Mr.
Crappatoa.
Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? I mean, I know I could.
And I think you should.
Why? There's just so much to explore, baby.
We have booze.
Right? Who doesn't love booze? And And four books five books here! I mean that's just right? All I did was And then they And the Don't ever sit.
Inflate one thousand balloons.
I need to vet your materials for this show this evening.
Oh, wow.
So it's true.
The show really does go on.
It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight even if this was a burned-out hulk full of space junk and dead animals.
So Jokes.
Do some.
- Okay, what makes you laugh? - Comedy.
- Obviously.
- And sometimes tragedy.
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction, non-fatal hunting accidents, waving at someone you think you know but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing.
Now, make it topical.
Mention "it," but don't mention it.
"It"? That's horrible.
Go.
- Okay, I could start with - It's not called "sit-down.
" I can start with "This is some hot shit.
" You know it's actually extremely cold in space? Are you gonna do this the whole way through? Yes.
And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now.
You see what I did? Did you see I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, went out there, and fixed a spaceship.
I know.
I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault.
- Who's Frank? - My husband.
Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? He's He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over.
Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.
I feel like I could kill and eat a man.
Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name.
Okay! So somebody needs some soap for their mouth and a hot toddy for their mood.
Sit.
Chill.
I just did something, and I don't know what it was.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing.
Does anybody know what they're doing? How does anything work? Does anybody know? How I mean who knows how that door works? It doesn't work.
Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work.
And look at this.
I mean, how am I doing that? I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that.
- Drink this.
- Now you See, orifices! They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? You know what's ironic? I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up.
- Hi.
- Hi! I feel a bit trapped.
Well honey, we're all trapped.
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
Oh, no.
There it floats.
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, can everything just fuck off? Wait, is that Was that Captain Ryan? Ah Oh! Uh It It was not.
In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? I'll see you all tonight.
Bring your children.
Unless they have behavioral disorders.
And bring them, too.
It's a party! Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods I don't get overexcited.
I'm always the same fucking level of excited.
- Right, Iris? - Yes.
I'll have another shot of water, please.
All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher.
- Hey! - I apologize.
These are - You don't need this! - valid anywhere on the ship.
Take the French fries.
Leave the beer.
I'm so sorry.
These are valid everywhere on the ship - except the golf course.
- All right Oh, really? Can I get one of those? Oh! - Hey.
- Hey, Billie.
- You look nice.
- So do you.
I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual.
"We" just saved the ship.
- What did I say? - Yeah.
Oh, hey! - Come on.
Stop that.
- Stop.
- Stop it.
- Thank you.
- We were just doing our job.
- I was just doing my job.
We just did what we had to do.
- I did what I had to do.
- Thank you.
Yes.
Yes.
Did you see me out there? Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out.
I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
Who does that these days? We can delay the start by five minutes.
Are you sure it's safe for me here? - I'm getting sneering looks.
- Oh, honey, relax.
Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan.
Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck.
Listen, with him wearing that, I guarantee nobody is thinking about you.
We make a really great team.
You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, they were probably livestreaming the whole thing all over the world.
So right now, I'm probably more famous than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl.
- Daniel Radcliffe? - Yeah.
Those two are an item.
- Those two? No.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No.
Nuh-uh.
No.
She's not his type.
I mean, I think he would I think he would probably want an older woman, you know, a woman who's more, like, mature.
The way I see it, like twenty-five hundred women on board? At least seven hundred of them, I would totally want a consensual meeting with.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight.
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent from a strong autonomous woman Hey guys, did you hear that? I I think that was the sound of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut.
It's not.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed.
And it's okay that she said - We're We're separated.
- Oh.
They just haven't found me my own cabin yet.
Oh, we, uh - We should - Yeah, we should.
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
That means he has to have a little cry.
I really don't.
- Shots? - You know, I usually don't drink because it makes me blunt and opinionated.
As opposed to? Hey, everyone.
Welcome to the Halfway Home party.
Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
He is extremely nervous.
Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him.
Right? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Okay.
Okay.
I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 'cause it was pretty underwhelming.
Let's try it again, right? Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? Okay, okay.
Okay.
I don't think he can live up to that.
You know, if he was that good, he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth.
Um But Now that I've lowered your expectations again, I think you might be pleasantly surprised by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
But before he comes out to win you over or die horribly, I want to give a big round of applause to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark - and - Billie McEvoy! former astronaut Spike Martin.
What? - Okay.
Jordan, are you ready to go? - Yep.
Listen to him, he's nervous, right? - Yeah! - Yeah! Okay! Please put your hands together or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal.
All right.
Hey, how you doin'? Uh I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? We're stuck up here for three years.
Okay, guys.
That was his first joke, so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh.
Matt, don't Don't do that.
I'm just I'm just trying to help.
Yeah, it's it's hard doing, uh, a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway - Ah! I vetoed that angle.
- Uh okay.
Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage.
Right? Is is that helpful? - No.
- Yes.
Doesn't It's not helpful.
Do you want Do you wanna come up here and do the set? Sure, yeah.
I wasn't actually asking.
Oh, you were joking? Yep, that was a joke.
That's what I'm here to do.
It's like the joke police over here.
Anyway, shoehorns - pretty weird, aren't they? - Yes! Thank you for your service! You're real-life heroes! - People loved us.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
I don't get it.
I just don't I don't get this, this I arm-wrestled with space - and I won, so that was me.
- Speaking of arms, - yours are so firm.
- Oh? How do you find gym time in between saving lives? Well, f f firm is my middle name.
What's your first name? - Colin.
- Colin Firm.
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
Oh, is that Italian? - No, it's actu - Who cares? - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen.
He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, because back in the day, he put a baby up me.
- Wow! - Wow.
Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank.
Next time leave it to the professionals, you silly man.
Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? Or a man-anizer? He can do what he wants.
I actually don't care at this point.
- Captain Clark is a sex man? - He's a dog.
Hey, fuck it.
Shall we start a conga? Let's do a conga.
- Whoo! - Frank, come on.
- Allez.
- Hey, hey, hey.
He cannot press a button - Whoo! - Doo doo doo He cannot press a button Come on, let's get outta here.
Okay! - He always fucks it up - Fucks it up! - I'm sorry.
- Oh, check it out.
Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time.
Hey, you wanna come back to my place? Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it.
- A hole's a hole.
- Oh No, thank you.
I I have a flight simulation game I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.
Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches.
Let's fly some ships.
Uh So, um Do you remember the, uh, the phones that you had to plug in to charge? Yes, I do.
Yeah, well, they They were, um Uh no.
No, that one's gone.
Just give it a second.
'Cause this could be good when you think of it.
- They had a cord.
- They had a cord, yeah.
I don't think that was the punchline, though.
Um Promote the beer.
- Hey! - You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh - we need to talk face-to-face.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You're talking.
You should no.
'Cause I called you, so you should really wait.
- Anyway, doesn't matter.
- Ryan, we have to tell you something.
- I know, it was impressive - Now, it's not bad.
Wait What What do you mean, "bad"? We love you, but we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and - with that crazy spacewalk - Ah, yes.
- we can't - You're looking at a hero, basically.
- We can't take the stress.
- The wh what? You lose the plot, you lose your slot.
"Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court.
We're getting trivorced.
Two-thirds majority.
Motion carried.
- What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? - No, sorry.
And then I downed it in one and I threw up on uh, on her dress, and That was the end of end of prom and, um that's the first time I had a drink.
Uh, but it was a Judd Light, and Judd Light is available throughout the ship.
Um, it's, a a liquid party.
I'm right in here.
What are you doing? - What? - Just going in my room.
- Why are you here? - It's my room.
If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, there's no tricking needed.
This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.
- I'm easy.
- You guys stay here.
Why'd you bring the peat bog man? We're going on my flight simulator.
Well, you need to vacate the room because I'll be making love everywhere.
Hey, yeah, we could we could go to yours.
- Can I keep that as a backup? - Oh, sure, yeah.
Give 'em a minute, see what pans out.
Colin Firm, get in here! What? Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed.
Come on.
Let's just do it quickly.
- No - No, no, no.
- Just do it quickly, before he - Do it! - Who cares about him? - No no, I - Do it! Do it! - You want it, you want it.
Don't be a pussy, Colin! I'm sorry I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry.
This reminds me of my last days on the International Space Station.
That was a scene! I ruined it for her.
So I won.
So, my last relationship didn't end well.
Uh, but Well, in some ways you could say it did.
'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well.
Gravity, what a downer.
No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
No.
No.
Hey, it's Mr.
Judd, everyone.
No, hold your applause.
Four people died because of that gravity fail.
Don't joke about stuff like that.
Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 'cause of those kind of jokes.
She didn't, she just left me I was gonna say a few words later, but now that "Uhhh" sucked all the good energy out of the room and just flushed it out into space like I'm just gonna read it now.
"As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, but we're not halfway.
And yet, in so many ways, we're more than halfway.
" - Iris, who wrote this? - I did.
And is it like this all the way through, or does it get any better? Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away.
Fuck! All right.
"Because we've come a long way, and I'm proud of you and of me, and I'm inspired by you and me.
" I'm just gonna skip to the end.
- Yep.
- All right.
"We can do this! We're nearly there! We're not, but we are!" Ever been to Buffalo before? It's changed a lot since they moved the White House there.
- For a start - Shut up.
Alan, this better not be bad news.
I What the fuck is that? I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull.
Okay.
Well It's a ring of shit.
- Mm.
- A ring of shit? Could you just? Back to the book.
On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore.
Oh, no.
There's one.
Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there.
Mmm! Could I get another one of those? - Sure.
- Um Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings.
All right? Just bury them as deep as you can.
Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball and then just Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine.
- You're not a happy drunk.
- I'm not a happy anything.
- You the man! - Hi, there.
Hey.
Is it Why is the shit still outside there? Iris! It's getting thicker.
We're We're working on it.
All right, that's Mr.
Judd, everybody.
Give it up.
- Yeah, it's on.
- I know it's on You're gonna have to compensate us for this.
This is your fault.
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
He hit the big brown button.
- Yeah.
- You mean, shit the button.
See, that's comedy, man.
That right there is comedy, word play.
I love it.
Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit outside of your room? The shit is already outside my room.
Okay.
Then I'll come take a shit inside your room.
I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow.
We should shit Frank out the airlock.
You hurt him without my consent and involvement and I will harm you deeply.
Shit.
Him.
Out.
Shit him out! Yeah.
- Shit him out! - Shit him out! Shit him out! Guys, come on, calm down.
- Whoo! Shit him out! - Shit him out! Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? They gave an award to a sparrow.
Do you have Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? - Shit him out! - When he gets like this, it's best to just let him wear himself out.
- Security! Shit him the shit - All right, all right, I understand you're out of the airlock and into the shit! You need to shut the F up before I knock you the F Frank! - Frank! - Shit him out! - Frank! Frank! - Shit him out! Shit him out! Frank! Frank! Hey! Put him down, he's mine! No! Stop murdering someone! Frank! Do something! Well, I guess things are looking up for Oh, thank fuck.
Calm and I cannot stress this enough the fuck down! Mr.
Judd did not mean shit anybody out.
He was making a joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You guys don't understand comedy.
I do.
What I did back there, that was comedy.
Idiots.
Uh right, and the comedy was, may I say, exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid.
- Oh, come on! - Taking his revenge Do you mind? Please! Okay, security, can we can we bring Frank back down? Right? Let's bring Let's bring Frank back down.
- Oh, thank God.
- Whoo! Thank you.
And can we, uh, render him vertical? There we go.
Okay.
Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? A big rocket? Uh, no.
That Well, yes, that would be Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this.
Captain Ryan saved you, okay? So you just owe him a big handshake.
- Go on.
Go ahead.
- Teamwork.
We together as a team.
All right? Like the Egyptians building the pyramids.
We can be like bricks in one of those Mexican palaces with the steps up the side, we climb the steps - Frank! - Whoa.
You stay away from my wife, you jackal! Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! Got it? Captain Turtleneck? - Frank! - Honey - That was wrong.
- Honey Hot, but wrong.
- We're ten seconds from Halfway Home.
- So, uh - It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators.
" - Ten.
Nine - Uh, but they just don't elevate they also lower.
- Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Seven.
And zero! We're halfway home! Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth.
Who threw that? You are dead man.
All right, or woman, let's not be sexist.
But actually, no, it was it was a man.
It was him there.
Not him.
Him! - This is all on you.
- What? You had one job.
I expect.
I'm not sure exactly what you do.
I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for are "thank you, Billie" and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass.
" I hope you're trampled by this conga line Whoa! Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun.
- Yes, Mr.
Judd - Iris! I heard you! Well, I think that's my time.
So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man in the universe.
That's me, in case it wasn't clear.
I think everything will be okay if we just stick together.
Worked for every extinct species in history.
What a crazy night, right? Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
These These people are the bravest and the boldest.
They are humanity's finest, and they need safe The President will see you now.
Great.
Hey, uh, Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar.
I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.
I may be a fake, and a fraud, and a terrible lay, and a credit risk, but I am still a useful, functioning - Actually can you do this? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why is the ship beeping? Gotta be a warning of some kind.
Yes.
You don't usually have a recurring beep to tell you everything is going just fine.
- Why can you panic and I can't panic? - I'm not panicking.
Iris! The ship is beeping.
This could cause mass distress.
- I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need? Porno, mint jelly? Lots of sedatives.
One, two.
Hello, I'm Jordan.
Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.
Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Uh - Two, two.
Is this thing on? - Yeah, it's on.
No I know.
It's a bit.
The "is this on" thing, to imply that the audience weren't laughing.
Best thing about doing stand-up in space? Literally no pressure.
- Is this thing on? - Yup.
No, I know it's And then I'll plug the beer.
And when I first took this gig on, they told me that I needed enough material to cover the first half of the journey, so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters.
Is that funny? - Or is that too much maths? - "Math.
" I can't look! God! That's not good.
- It's shit.
- It's all shit! Hey, maybe they heard your set.
Captain, you ready to do this? I'd always hoped that my last words might be better than "Fuck me, no.
" I don't know how to attach the tether.
There should be an instruction panel right in front of you.
To attach your safety tether - Oh, f - simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp to release the G Catch.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Well, you fucking try it.
Okay, it's a spacewalk, so walk.
So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? - The inside of my eyelids.
- Ha.
Ah.
There appears to be no floor.
Yes, Captain.
You You really make this look easy.
Why is he flailing around like that? What - No.
Look.
He's upright now.
- Yes.
Uh, no, just gone back.
Where are you going? I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink.
Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? - Or "come back in".
- Engineering? - Present.
- Yeah, not you.
Looking at wet suit protocol three now.
Captain Courageous needs to locate the lateral access valve where it intersects with the Intersects with the binary caps from the lower deck.
Did you get that? All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here.
" Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.
Estimate of her velocity, Captain? - I might actually sneeze.
- He can't hear you because - well, you know, he's outside - What happens then? - Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? - Good point.
Get me in his ear.
I'll walk him home.
Is there one? Could you look that up? - Hola.
- Gracias.
Yeah, in other devastating news, Spike is about to join the auto comms.
The icing on the shit.
I got you now, buddy.
- Whoa! She's a gusher.
- Please don't call it "she.
" Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.
I'm gonna go check on a valve.
Billie? Okay.
Mr.
Tambourine Man, you're up.
- Yeah, sure.
- Billie? So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three.
It's just a thing we do.
- We love you, Spike! - Okay, Captain, I'm splitting forward protocol three.
It's just It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.
Make way for the shit shooter.
- Oh God, was that me? - It's a little bit of all of us.
Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! I think she's talking to me.
Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside.
Would that have been easier at all? - Oh! Bugger me.
- Oh no! Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.
Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them.
And girls.
Uh, women.
Not me, though.
Mm-mm.
Other way, other way.
Don't worry, Captain.
You got this.
I've got this.
Turn it this way.
Of course I've got it! I was born getting it.
I haven't got it.
Help me more.
That's it.
- Oh! - Ugh.
Yes! - Yeah! - Whoo! Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! You're going to the White House? Oh, yes.
Time to do some corporate begging.
Yes! There he is! There he is.
I believed in you! Unlike Iris.
She already rented out your cabin.
That was nothing! But then, what isn't? He's so modest, he could almost be British.
Why the fuck did I say that? I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental.
I was very, very proud of how Captain Ryan followed my direction out there.
You were out of depth on the bridge.
Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position.
Right, well Fucking balls.
Burn those suits, they smell like hell! I can actually hear that smell.
Hey, beautiful.
Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth and turn around to head back.
I know.
Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.
But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party.
Hey, is is that true? Well, it was true when I said it.
Like a marriage vow.
And you just kept this up? Sure.
I mean, we could still have a "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party.
- Yeah, that could work.
- Spike gets it.
We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers.
The only other use would be for your funeral.
Hey.
It's the shit whisperer.
Hey, Benjamin Button! Shit stack walking.
Frankenfuck.
Mr.
Crappatoa.
Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? I mean, I know I could.
And I think you should.
Why? There's just so much to explore, baby.
We have booze.
Right? Who doesn't love booze? And And four books five books here! I mean that's just right? All I did was And then they And the Don't ever sit.
Inflate one thousand balloons.
I need to vet your materials for this show this evening.
Oh, wow.
So it's true.
The show really does go on.
It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight even if this was a burned-out hulk full of space junk and dead animals.
So Jokes.
Do some.
- Okay, what makes you laugh? - Comedy.
- Obviously.
- And sometimes tragedy.
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction, non-fatal hunting accidents, waving at someone you think you know but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing.
Now, make it topical.
Mention "it," but don't mention it.
"It"? That's horrible.
Go.
- Okay, I could start with - It's not called "sit-down.
" I can start with "This is some hot shit.
" You know it's actually extremely cold in space? Are you gonna do this the whole way through? Yes.
And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now.
You see what I did? Did you see I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, went out there, and fixed a spaceship.
I know.
I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault.
- Who's Frank? - My husband.
Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? He's He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over.
Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.
I feel like I could kill and eat a man.
Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name.
Okay! So somebody needs some soap for their mouth and a hot toddy for their mood.
Sit.
Chill.
I just did something, and I don't know what it was.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing.
Does anybody know what they're doing? How does anything work? Does anybody know? How I mean who knows how that door works? It doesn't work.
Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work.
And look at this.
I mean, how am I doing that? I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that.
- Drink this.
- Now you See, orifices! They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? You know what's ironic? I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up.
- Hi.
- Hi! I feel a bit trapped.
Well honey, we're all trapped.
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
Oh, no.
There it floats.
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, can everything just fuck off? Wait, is that Was that Captain Ryan? Ah Oh! Uh It It was not.
In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? I'll see you all tonight.
Bring your children.
Unless they have behavioral disorders.
And bring them, too.
It's a party! Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods I don't get overexcited.
I'm always the same fucking level of excited.
- Right, Iris? - Yes.
I'll have another shot of water, please.
All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher.
- Hey! - I apologize.
These are - You don't need this! - valid anywhere on the ship.
Take the French fries.
Leave the beer.
I'm so sorry.
These are valid everywhere on the ship - except the golf course.
- All right Oh, really? Can I get one of those? Oh! - Hey.
- Hey, Billie.
- You look nice.
- So do you.
I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual.
"We" just saved the ship.
- What did I say? - Yeah.
Oh, hey! - Come on.
Stop that.
- Stop.
- Stop it.
- Thank you.
- We were just doing our job.
- I was just doing my job.
We just did what we had to do.
- I did what I had to do.
- Thank you.
Yes.
Yes.
Did you see me out there? Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out.
I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
Who does that these days? We can delay the start by five minutes.
Are you sure it's safe for me here? - I'm getting sneering looks.
- Oh, honey, relax.
Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan.
Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck.
Listen, with him wearing that, I guarantee nobody is thinking about you.
We make a really great team.
You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, they were probably livestreaming the whole thing all over the world.
So right now, I'm probably more famous than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl.
- Daniel Radcliffe? - Yeah.
Those two are an item.
- Those two? No.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No.
Nuh-uh.
No.
She's not his type.
I mean, I think he would I think he would probably want an older woman, you know, a woman who's more, like, mature.
The way I see it, like twenty-five hundred women on board? At least seven hundred of them, I would totally want a consensual meeting with.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight.
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent from a strong autonomous woman Hey guys, did you hear that? I I think that was the sound of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut.
It's not.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed.
And it's okay that she said - We're We're separated.
- Oh.
They just haven't found me my own cabin yet.
Oh, we, uh - We should - Yeah, we should.
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
That means he has to have a little cry.
I really don't.
- Shots? - You know, I usually don't drink because it makes me blunt and opinionated.
As opposed to? Hey, everyone.
Welcome to the Halfway Home party.
Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
He is extremely nervous.
Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him.
Right? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Okay.
Okay.
I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 'cause it was pretty underwhelming.
Let's try it again, right? Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? Okay, okay.
Okay.
I don't think he can live up to that.
You know, if he was that good, he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth.
Um But Now that I've lowered your expectations again, I think you might be pleasantly surprised by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
But before he comes out to win you over or die horribly, I want to give a big round of applause to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark - and - Billie McEvoy! former astronaut Spike Martin.
What? - Okay.
Jordan, are you ready to go? - Yep.
Listen to him, he's nervous, right? - Yeah! - Yeah! Okay! Please put your hands together or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal.
All right.
Hey, how you doin'? Uh I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? We're stuck up here for three years.
Okay, guys.
That was his first joke, so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh.
Matt, don't Don't do that.
I'm just I'm just trying to help.
Yeah, it's it's hard doing, uh, a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway - Ah! I vetoed that angle.
- Uh okay.
Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage.
Right? Is is that helpful? - No.
- Yes.
Doesn't It's not helpful.
Do you want Do you wanna come up here and do the set? Sure, yeah.
I wasn't actually asking.
Oh, you were joking? Yep, that was a joke.
That's what I'm here to do.
It's like the joke police over here.
Anyway, shoehorns - pretty weird, aren't they? - Yes! Thank you for your service! You're real-life heroes! - People loved us.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
I don't get it.
I just don't I don't get this, this I arm-wrestled with space - and I won, so that was me.
- Speaking of arms, - yours are so firm.
- Oh? How do you find gym time in between saving lives? Well, f f firm is my middle name.
What's your first name? - Colin.
- Colin Firm.
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
Oh, is that Italian? - No, it's actu - Who cares? - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen.
He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, because back in the day, he put a baby up me.
- Wow! - Wow.
Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank.
Next time leave it to the professionals, you silly man.
Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? Or a man-anizer? He can do what he wants.
I actually don't care at this point.
- Captain Clark is a sex man? - He's a dog.
Hey, fuck it.
Shall we start a conga? Let's do a conga.
- Whoo! - Frank, come on.
- Allez.
- Hey, hey, hey.
He cannot press a button - Whoo! - Doo doo doo He cannot press a button Come on, let's get outta here.
Okay! - He always fucks it up - Fucks it up! - I'm sorry.
- Oh, check it out.
Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time.
Hey, you wanna come back to my place? Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it.
- A hole's a hole.
- Oh No, thank you.
I I have a flight simulation game I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.
Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches.
Let's fly some ships.
Uh So, um Do you remember the, uh, the phones that you had to plug in to charge? Yes, I do.
Yeah, well, they They were, um Uh no.
No, that one's gone.
Just give it a second.
'Cause this could be good when you think of it.
- They had a cord.
- They had a cord, yeah.
I don't think that was the punchline, though.
Um Promote the beer.
- Hey! - You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh - we need to talk face-to-face.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You're talking.
You should no.
'Cause I called you, so you should really wait.
- Anyway, doesn't matter.
- Ryan, we have to tell you something.
- I know, it was impressive - Now, it's not bad.
Wait What What do you mean, "bad"? We love you, but we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and - with that crazy spacewalk - Ah, yes.
- we can't - You're looking at a hero, basically.
- We can't take the stress.
- The wh what? You lose the plot, you lose your slot.
"Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court.
We're getting trivorced.
Two-thirds majority.
Motion carried.
- What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? - No, sorry.
And then I downed it in one and I threw up on uh, on her dress, and That was the end of end of prom and, um that's the first time I had a drink.
Uh, but it was a Judd Light, and Judd Light is available throughout the ship.
Um, it's, a a liquid party.
I'm right in here.
What are you doing? - What? - Just going in my room.
- Why are you here? - It's my room.
If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, there's no tricking needed.
This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.
- I'm easy.
- You guys stay here.
Why'd you bring the peat bog man? We're going on my flight simulator.
Well, you need to vacate the room because I'll be making love everywhere.
Hey, yeah, we could we could go to yours.
- Can I keep that as a backup? - Oh, sure, yeah.
Give 'em a minute, see what pans out.
Colin Firm, get in here! What? Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed.
Come on.
Let's just do it quickly.
- No - No, no, no.
- Just do it quickly, before he - Do it! - Who cares about him? - No no, I - Do it! Do it! - You want it, you want it.
Don't be a pussy, Colin! I'm sorry I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry.
This reminds me of my last days on the International Space Station.
That was a scene! I ruined it for her.
So I won.
So, my last relationship didn't end well.
Uh, but Well, in some ways you could say it did.
'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well.
Gravity, what a downer.
No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
No.
No.
Hey, it's Mr.
Judd, everyone.
No, hold your applause.
Four people died because of that gravity fail.
Don't joke about stuff like that.
Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 'cause of those kind of jokes.
She didn't, she just left me I was gonna say a few words later, but now that "Uhhh" sucked all the good energy out of the room and just flushed it out into space like I'm just gonna read it now.
"As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, but we're not halfway.
And yet, in so many ways, we're more than halfway.
" - Iris, who wrote this? - I did.
And is it like this all the way through, or does it get any better? Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away.
Fuck! All right.
"Because we've come a long way, and I'm proud of you and of me, and I'm inspired by you and me.
" I'm just gonna skip to the end.
- Yep.
- All right.
"We can do this! We're nearly there! We're not, but we are!" Ever been to Buffalo before? It's changed a lot since they moved the White House there.
- For a start - Shut up.
Alan, this better not be bad news.
I What the fuck is that? I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull.
Okay.
Well It's a ring of shit.
- Mm.
- A ring of shit? Could you just? Back to the book.
On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore.
Oh, no.
There's one.
Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there.
Mmm! Could I get another one of those? - Sure.
- Um Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings.
All right? Just bury them as deep as you can.
Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball and then just Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine.
- You're not a happy drunk.
- I'm not a happy anything.
- You the man! - Hi, there.
Hey.
Is it Why is the shit still outside there? Iris! It's getting thicker.
We're We're working on it.
All right, that's Mr.
Judd, everybody.
Give it up.
- Yeah, it's on.
- I know it's on You're gonna have to compensate us for this.
This is your fault.
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
He hit the big brown button.
- Yeah.
- You mean, shit the button.
See, that's comedy, man.
That right there is comedy, word play.
I love it.
Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit outside of your room? The shit is already outside my room.
Okay.
Then I'll come take a shit inside your room.
I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow.
We should shit Frank out the airlock.
You hurt him without my consent and involvement and I will harm you deeply.
Shit.
Him.
Out.
Shit him out! Yeah.
- Shit him out! - Shit him out! Shit him out! Guys, come on, calm down.
- Whoo! Shit him out! - Shit him out! Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? They gave an award to a sparrow.
Do you have Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? - Shit him out! - When he gets like this, it's best to just let him wear himself out.
- Security! Shit him the shit - All right, all right, I understand you're out of the airlock and into the shit! You need to shut the F up before I knock you the F Frank! - Frank! - Shit him out! - Frank! Frank! - Shit him out! Shit him out! Frank! Frank! Hey! Put him down, he's mine! No! Stop murdering someone! Frank! Do something! Well, I guess things are looking up for Oh, thank fuck.
Calm and I cannot stress this enough the fuck down! Mr.
Judd did not mean shit anybody out.
He was making a joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You guys don't understand comedy.
I do.
What I did back there, that was comedy.
Idiots.
Uh right, and the comedy was, may I say, exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid.
- Oh, come on! - Taking his revenge Do you mind? Please! Okay, security, can we can we bring Frank back down? Right? Let's bring Let's bring Frank back down.
- Oh, thank God.
- Whoo! Thank you.
And can we, uh, render him vertical? There we go.
Okay.
Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? A big rocket? Uh, no.
That Well, yes, that would be Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this.
Captain Ryan saved you, okay? So you just owe him a big handshake.
- Go on.
Go ahead.
- Teamwork.
We together as a team.
All right? Like the Egyptians building the pyramids.
We can be like bricks in one of those Mexican palaces with the steps up the side, we climb the steps - Frank! - Whoa.
You stay away from my wife, you jackal! Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! Got it? Captain Turtleneck? - Frank! - Honey - That was wrong.
- Honey Hot, but wrong.
- We're ten seconds from Halfway Home.
- So, uh - It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators.
" - Ten.
Nine - Uh, but they just don't elevate they also lower.
- Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Seven.
And zero! We're halfway home! Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth.
Who threw that? You are dead man.
All right, or woman, let's not be sexist.
But actually, no, it was it was a man.
It was him there.
Not him.
Him! - This is all on you.
- What? You had one job.
I expect.
I'm not sure exactly what you do.
I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for are "thank you, Billie" and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass.
" I hope you're trampled by this conga line Whoa! Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun.
- Yes, Mr.
Judd - Iris! I heard you! Well, I think that's my time.
So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man in the universe.
That's me, in case it wasn't clear.
I think everything will be okay if we just stick together.
Worked for every extinct species in history.
What a crazy night, right? Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
These These people are the bravest and the boldest.
They are humanity's finest, and they need safe The President will see you now.
Great.
Hey, uh, Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar.
I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.
I may be a fake, and a fraud, and a terrible lay, and a credit risk, but I am still a useful, functioning - Actually can you do this? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why is the ship beeping? Gotta be a warning of some kind.
Yes.
You don't usually have a recurring beep to tell you everything is going just fine.
- Why can you panic and I can't panic? - I'm not panicking.
Iris! The ship is beeping.
This could cause mass distress.
- I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need? Porno, mint jelly? Lots of sedatives.