Axe Cop (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

I was born in the year 2004 to Bobber and Gobber Smartist.
You're doing great.
Push, honey.
Push.
Oh, man.
Whoo! They named me Axey Smartist.
Because I was a baby with a mustache, they sometimes called me "Baby Mario.
" Here you go, Axey.
This was not one of those times.
My father was a carpenter, and my mother was a schoolteacher.
She never had time to cook a full dinner, so she served us candy canes for every meal.
Another great meal, dear.
I hated candy canes.
Mm.
What is this? Rainbow cherry? I love it! I hated rainbow cherry the most.
Then something bad happened My parents died.
Someone had poisoned their candy cane dinner.
I swore then that I would find and kill the man that did this to my parents.
I also swore to never eat another candy cane as long as I live because I hate candy canes.
One day, at the scene of the fire.
The cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off! Oh.
Hey Axe Cop.
Hanging out in the dark? That's weird but cool.
Aren't you gonna wish me a happy birthday? No, I-- no, I was waiting for the 6th, which is your birthday, right? This year, we're celebrating my birthday all month.
Aah! But I don't have your present yet.
Don't worry.
I knew what you were gonna get me, so I went ahead and bought it for myself.
You owe me a hundred dollars.
Oh, okay.
Can I pay you later? No.
So what did I get you anyway? A butler.
His name is Al.
Al punch you in the face.
You called, sir? Get the monster truck ready, Al.
We have an important mission.
Of course, sir.
So, Axe Cop, what's the important mission? There is no important mission.
We're going to the beach.
Look at us, huh? On the beach, in the sun.
This is a pretty good kickoff day to your birthday month, huh, Axe Cop? Since I already know about the butler, you have to get me a super secret gift.
Okay.
I think I know exactly what to get you.
So do I A magic axe that can turn into any weapon I want.
Oh, not what I was thinking.
You want some juice? We got grape juice, we have apple juice, and we have apple-grape juice.
I'm gonna have an apple-grape juice.
Look at how they put all this juice in boxes.
You know? - What are they gonna think of next? - Wait, what's that? Ooh.
It looks like a miracle of mermaids.
Evil mermaids.
Aah! Hey, Flute Cop! The ocean is safe again.
Hey, man! Why'd you do that? Why'd you kill all my friends? Because they were obviously evil.
There's no such thing as an evil mermaid.
But they were making mean faces.
No no no.
This is a mean face.
Uh, now you're smiling.
- No.
Now I'm smiling.
- What? Here in the ocean, it's the bad guys that smile.
Which means I Killed good guys? Surprise! Yo, dude.
What's going on with Axe Cop? I don't want to get into it.
Suffice to say, a lot of good mermaids' heads were cut off.
H - A - PP - Y H - A - PP - Y H - A - PP - Y Happy Birthday, Axe Cop! This cake is all wrong.
But it's birthday flavored.
Your favorite.
And look, there's a candle of you holding an axe, just you like you do.
You hold an axe, right? The candle is supposed to be of me holding up two axes! This is the worst birthday ever! Axe Cop? Hey, come on out, bro.
No.
We have an extra super secret birthday gift.
You're gonna love it.
It's awesome! How awesome could it be? It's not even in a big box.
Just open it, will you? Fine.
"Dear Axe Cop, we all chipped in and found out who killed your parents.
It was Bad Santa.
" Now that's a birthday present.
Oh, I knew he'd like it.
I told you guys! Bad Santa, I hope you like dying as much as I'm going to enjoy killing you.
Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that birthday gift.
South Pole Planet.
This is the place.
Ho ho ho.
Hello, Bad Santa.
Axe Cop.
Welcome to my magic workshop of torture and evil.
I've been expecting you to walk through those gingerbread doors ever since I accidentally killed your parents.
What? What do you mean "accidentally"? Those candy canes were meant for you.
I was trying to kill you.
But why me? I was a good boy.
Exactly! You were a very good boy.
Just like all of them.
And now it's time for you to finally eat your candy cane dinner, Axe Cop.
Never! Rainbow cherry? Ho ho ho! Good Santa? Is that you? Listen to me, Axe Cop.
You must stop my evil twin brother.
But how? Rainbow cherry candy canes are my greatest weakness.
With the power of Christmas.
Ho ho ho! Where do you think you're going, Bad Santa? - To heaven! - Heaven? Why? To kill god and become jesus.
Obviously.
Not during my birthday month.
I have the power of Christmas! Aah! Say hello to my parents In hell! By the power of Christmas, I am setting the children free! - Yay! - Hup! Not a chance.
Throw this head in the head trash.
Not a bad way to kick off your birthday month, I'd say.
Huh? I mean, it did start off a bit rocky with the mermaid massacre, but in the end you avenged your parents' death.
I mean, come on.
This has got to be the happiest day of your life, - am I right? - No.
The happiest day of my life was the day my parents died.
What? True, it was the saddest day of my life because they died, but it was also the happiest day of my life because I didn't have to eat candy canes anymore.
Actually, I wasn't happy or sad.
I was medium.
And medium is the happiest that I'll ever be.
H - A - PP - Y H - A - PP - Y H - A - PP - Y Happy Birthday, Axe Cop.