Baby Daddy s01e05 Episode Script

Well, I would have invited the baby's mother, but I never met her.
She was one of Ben's more productive one night stands.
Okay, three words I never want to hear again, "that's so cute.
" Wasn't that cute? Best shower ever.
Yeah, those five hours just flew by.
There's not enough football in the world to erase what just happened.
Wait.
I almost forgot my present.
So exciting! There can't actually be more.
I mean, seriously, what are we gonna do with a wipes warmer? Oh, I was actually gonna hold on to that.
Okay.
What? Oh, Emma's the only one who can appreciate the soothing comfort of a warm towelette? That does sound nice.
Don't worry.
Everything can be returned.
Finally, my little princess has her carriage.
Isn't it perfect? Hello, princess.
You said, "everything," right? It's amazing how the unexpected can take your life and change direction.
Okay, suddenly don't care that dad never let me drive the convertible.
Ah, it's even got that new stroller smell.
Oh-h, this thing is so cool.
- Nice stroller.
- Hello And it just got a whole lot cooler.
We just drove her off the lot.
Looks fast.
Well, that depends on who's pushing it.
There's no way he's recovering from that line.
Wait.
It's not over yet.
- Okay.
- I'll call you.
That boy's got confidence.
Stroller confidence.
Her name's Zoe.
Finally one for the "z"s.
This stroller is amazing.
Yeah, give me the keys.
I'm driving.
That is what I call a very successful outing.
So why are we "in-ing"? We need to get back on the street.
Dude, what's the rush? Maybe you haven't noticed.
But I'm a relationship magnet.
I enjoy casual.
I want casual.
But casual has not wanted me.
Until now, okay? This is my fun window, people.
Don't shut it.
Wow! It even works by itself.
That one's mine.
Oh, crap! What's he doing here? That's Henderson, the owner.
My shift started five minutes ago.
You don't know me.
Afternoon, sir.
Things can really pile up if you don't stay on top of them.
- Hey, Walker.
- Wheeler.
Whatever.
Have you seen McNeely? Nope.
Could be in the break room.
Don't know, 'cause I've never been in there.
Well, let me know when you do.
I wanna talk to him about a new management position.
Excuse me, Mr.
Henderson.
Oh, is my father here? Call me "H.
" Oh, you got it, H.
You can call me "W.
" Or "B" for Ben.
But we're doing the last name thing, so it's-- What do you want, Walker? It's Wheel-- never mind.
About that new position, I like to think of myself as management material.
I'm definitely a leader, not a follower.
Unless you need a follower.
And then I'll follow your lead.
Look, I like you.
I really do.
You're fun, you're personable, a little flirtatious.
Thank you? All qualities I'm looking for in a bartender.
But not in a manager.
You've got yourself a dream job, kid.
Enjoy it.
So you'll think about it? Finally.
There's my little princess.
Mom, remember, the school therapist said you had to stop calling me that.
I thought Emma was with you.
I got us matching outfits.
She's out with the guys.
Something wrong? - No.
- Did something happen at work? No, why? I'm good.
Honey, you can't hide things from me.
Chip my windshield, I knew it.
Set the basement on fire, I knew it.
Got a girl pregnant-- oh my God, you did not get a girl pregnant again, did you? Somebody get me a banana and a condom! No! I swear, once is enough.
Do you think I could ever be more than a bartender? Honey, it wasn't the community-college fairy who left all those brochures under your pillow.
Of course you can do more.
You can be whatever you want to be.
There's a manager position open at work.
Okay, let's not go crazy.
It's not just about me any more.
It's Emma's future too.
Well then, you go back there and don't take "no" for an answer.
Unless there's a chance he might fire you from the job you already have for being too pushy.
Then, you know what? I'd just let it go.
- Thanks for the pep talk, Mom.
- Anytime, princess.
Hey, check it out.
Two different girls, two different numbers.
Or as I like to call it, "hot guy problem.
" What? I don't know.
I got 11.
I'm new at this.
Savor it, because that might have been your last ride.
- Mom's here.
- Now? Wait? What are we gonna do? - No, I need this stroller.
- Relax, my little friend.
I'll handle Mom.
Take this.
All right, Emma.
Let's go get Daddy a promotion.
But let me do the talking.
Come on.
And remember, just follow my lead.
Okay.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
- Tucker sold your stroller! - Oh my God, you tattletale! What?! Oh! Ah-ah.
Oh-oh, ah-ah-ah.
- Riley! - Hi.
Perfect.
Can you watch Emma for two seconds? - Yeah.
- Thanks.
Ooh, sweet ride.
H.
Hey, what's happening? It's me-- Wheeler Walker W, your slightly flirtatious barkeep.
Don't you ever go home, Walker? I have wives I see less than you.
I was just thinking about our conversation from earlier.
And I think you're wrong and I'm right.
I mean-- I mean I'm right for the job, and you're wrong not to consider me.
Hmm.
Wow.
When I said this to my myself in the bathroom mirror, it was really smooth.
Look, I appreciate the whole "eager kid" thing, but I'm looking for someone a little more responsible.
And that's exactly what I'm trying to be.
I've got a kid now and I-- You've got a kid? Yeah Her name's Emma.
And a hot young wife.
Yes.
Yes, I do Family man.
And there's nothing more responsible than that.
You obviously don't know a lot of family men.
Hi, I am so sorry to interrupt.
But I've got to hand her off.
I have an exam in an hour, and right now, she knows more about immigration law than I do.
Little lady goes to law school and she's running late.
Well, not running, but she should be.
- Go go go.
- Law school, huh? Must be tough with the baby.
I was just saying how great you are with Emma.
Okay, give her kiss.
Wave bye-bye.
- Aww, that is so sweet.
- See ya.
But Ben truly does all the heavy lifting.
I mean, I'm barely even helping out.
That is one impressive wife you've got there.
Well, I don't call her my better half for nothing.
Got a daughter about her age.
Sadly, they have nothing in common.
I might have underestimated you, Wheeler.
Oh my God.
That's the first time you've said my name.
Let's have lunch tomorrow and discuss that job.
Oh, and bring your lovely little barrister with you.
If you can get a woman like that, there really must be something about you I'm missing.
Again, thank you? What was that about? Two questions for you: What are you doing tomorrow for lunch? And Will you marry me? Huh? I am not pretending to be your wife.
But I need you! You're the glue of my very flimsy lie.
Well, I can't tomorrow.
I'm having lunch with Jack.
- Jack? - The guy I'm seeing.
In the real world.
Where I'm single and not breastfeeding.
Okay, how's this? Once Henderson hires me, we'll get a quick- but-amicable divorce.
If only you had anything I wanted half of.
I just want Emma to have a father she can be proud of.
Please, you have to help me "Riley Wheeler.
" I only wrote that in my notebook every day.
I'm just working on our backstory.
So you'll do it? Oh, hell no! This is going back.
Angry blonde with a baby coming through, people.
Move it.
Come on.
Move it, move it, move it.
Oh, hell no.
This is going back.
Yeah, I just love being an uncle.
Although technically I'm more of a friend.
I guess that makes me a frunkle.
Okay, frunkle.
Let's see that phone.
All right.
- Call me.
- Okay.
Impressive.
You seem to be getting the hang of this.
You up for a little challenge? - I'm listening.
- We each take a block.
Whoever lands the most numbers, gets the stroller the whole rest of the day.
Game on.
But I gotta warn you-- Tucker's in the zone.
Thanks for the heads-up, frunkle.
I get this block.
Wait wait wait.
You get the yogurt shop and the nail salon? Woo! Is it ever hot out today! Hey! Hey, man! That is not fair! Hey! I wanna re-negotiate! Okay, so we met in high school, you had a crazy crush on me, but were too shy because of your weight problem.
Wait, I wasn't fat.
You were.
Not if you want my help, I wasn't.
We tied! Well, I had to cry for two of the numbers.
But we tied.
Wait.
You took out the stroller? Mom just put Emma down 10 minutes ago.
Turns out the baby part is optional.
You just say she's asleep and nobody looks inside.
Okay, but Mom's still here.
- Now.
- Again? - Go! - Oh my God.
Is that Tucker? He went that way.
I don't know which is more fun, siccing Mom on tuck, or cruising around with that stroller.
Ben, you gotta get in on it.
Can't.
I have a wife now.
Wait.
How long were we gone? We are pretending to be married so that he can get a promotion.
Oh, which reminds me, I picked this up on my way home.
Riley, will you do me the honor of being my wife? Sure.
Yes.
I do.
Riley, are you sure this is a good idea? I'm fine! So when did you first know you were in love with me? Um After we had sex.
Come on! You have to paint a picture.
It has to be something romantic, like-- Spring Break, freshman year.
Down by the reservoir.
You were wearing a blue dress.
And the sun was setting so it made it look like you had a halo.
Exactly.
Something like that, but not so sappy.
And the sunsets were incredible.
Not that we ever left the room.
Well, Wheeler this has been an excellent meeting.
- I think I can safely say-- - Hi there.
- Hey, didn't you-- - A-absolutely not! Sorry, miss, but we're kind of in the middle of a business meeting.
Take it down a notch, Wheeler.
This is my daughter Zoe.
Your daughter? Well, uh, so nice to meet you for the first time ever.
Nice to meet you too.
Zoe, this is Ben and his lovely wife Riley.
You should really get to know each other.
- Oh, that would be-- - Impossible! 'Cause we're about to head out, right, babe? Oh, don't leave now.
There's nothing I'd like more than to chat with you and your wife.
As soon as I freshen up.
Wow, where'd all that iced tea go? Oops! There it is.
I'll be right back.
Ready for a rematch? You go.
I'm good.
You ever think you want just one phone number? Been there, done that.
These days I'm shopping in bulk.
I'm talking about one special number.
The kind that makes you want to delete all the other ones.
Wait Is this about Riley? Who you swear you don't like? No.
I'm just saying, getting lots of women to like you is easy.
It's getting one that's hard.
How do I do that? Okay, so assuming there is a special girl whose name doesn't start with "R" and end with "iley" Are you asking my advice on how to get her? Yeah.
You're the relationship magnet, right? Magnetize me.
Fine.
Look, if you really want a relationship, you gotta tell her how you feel.
I mean maybe she's into you too.
Then it's all sweet, can't wait to see her, send each other fun little texts, get comfortable together, maybe even a little bored.
Until one day you realize it's not even love any more, but a horrible dance of pain that will leave you both damaged, empty shells for years to come! That sounds nice.
I know this looks horrible, but I'm not a cheater.
I'm just faking being married so your dad will consider me for a job.
So you're a liar? I'd probably go with creative go-getter.
No worries.
Scamming my dad is my favorite pastime.
So you won't say anything? Not a word.
So how about you show me your resume? That's not where I keep it.
- Seriously? - Riley, it's not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks like you abandoned me to shove your tongue down some stranger's throat.
Wrong! She was shoving her tongue down my throat.
I was trying to push it out.
Ben Wheeler, I hate you.
Okay Wheeler, it's go time.
Take your best shot and tell her how you feel.
No matter what you can't turn back.
Danny? What are you doing here? Can I use your bathroom? Your brother is such a jerk.
If you ever see me offering to help him again, you have to promise to stop me.
- I promise.
- Take this.
God, I can't believe Ben would just take our fake relationship and throw it all away.
Well, maybe it's time for a real relationship.
You know, with a real guy who's-- Not a gigantic tool.
- Go away, Ben.
- I'm so sorry.
That girl-- I hit on her a couple days ago with the stroller.
Did not know she was my boss's daughter.
When she came, and I went after her to be like, "hey, don't tell your dad.
" Then she went all psycho and started kissing me.
I would never do something like that.
Danny, back me up here.
Oh, I think you're doing great.
I don't even care about the job any more.
All I care about is you.
I'm listening.
You were so sweet to help me.
Keep going.
Well, I'm gonna tell Henderson that he was right about you and wrong about me.
You're never gonna get that promotion.
No, but maybe I'll get you back.
I'll take a real friend over fake wife any day.
Or we could go back in there one more time.
Wait.
This is the part where I'm supposed to stop you.
Riley, stay strong.
Well I mean we already made it this far.
At least if you get the job, I won't feel like I totally wasted my time.
Well, Henderson does want to have drinks tonight.
Okay, but this is the last time.
All right, I need my ring back.
Thank you, Riley.
I'll buy you coffee and we can work on our story.
The one where you're a dork, but I marry you anyway? All right-- hand.
Thank you.
Ooh What's up? - Tucker? - Mrs.
Wheeler? Oh, hell no! Oh no no no! - Oh yeah? - Stop it! You gonna run from me? - You're so fast! - You're gonna run from me?! So now that I've conquered New York, I'm taking the Henderson brand national-- Chicago, Atlanta, first stop Miami.
You ready for that, Wheeler? Wait, are you offering me the job? Nothing's final, but why don't you and Riles fly down for the weekend and check it out? It'll be fun.
Uh, this-- this weekend? You know what? I don't think I can make it down to Miami.
Are you sure about that? We all know how much you like hotel rooms.
Sounds like an offer we can't refuse, huh, babe? Riley? I know this might not be the best time to tell you this, but you need to hear it and I need to say it.
I'm in love with you and I think we should be together.
Please say something.
Well, I guess the cat's outta the bag.
Ben, I am so sorry to do this to you, but your brother and I are in love.
- We are? - You are? I realize that Thanksgiving might be a little awkward this year, but I'm hoping that in time you'll come to accept it.
You should really hire Ben.
The kid could use some good news.
- All right, let's go, babe.
- Wait! Wow.
Same thing happened with me and my first wife.
Only it was me walking out the door with her sister.
- Riley? - You were brilliant! "I'm in love with you"? If this whole hockey thing doesn't work out, you should totally be an actor.
Because I swear for like two seconds I actually believed you.
- Riley-- - You are so sweet to come to my rescue.
You promised you would stop me and you did.
Thank you.
Mm.
Well, guess that finally answers the question of what it's like to be married to Ben, huh? Jack-- a guy who's actually interested in me.
Maybe I'll see what that's like do you wanna come with? Drinks are on me.
No, I'm good.
Okay.
Thanks.
Man, I gotta work on my go time.
Where have you guys been? Tell him.
Fine.
Ben, you are never gonna believe what just happened.
- All right! - I-- Ben, we need to return the stroller.
We're being immature and selfish and Emma deserves better.
Can I go to my room now? And remember-- to your grave.
Hey, Emma, Daddy really missed you today.
Ohh.
Is everything okay? I got the job.
Oh, Benji! I just knew you could do it.
I turned it down.
What is the matter with you?! I couldn't do it.
It's too much travel.
And what's the point of giving Emma everything, if I'm not even here to see her enjoy it? There will be other jobs, but there's only one you.
That we know of.
But I think you made the right decision.
Thanks.
So What's the big secret between you and Tucker? I was sitting outside having coffee - and then Tucker comes up-- - That is not what happened! - No no, huh-uh.
- Oh, you didn't? You didn't go "what's up"? No, I did not! Okay, I said, "what's up?" That's right, Emma.
Grandma is gonna get her princess her special carriage back.
Nice stroller.
Hello