Back in the Game s01e05 Episode Script

1 Dudley, one for the Bleachers.
No, no, no.
Ginger one come on.
Right down third base.
You can do it.
Angel, bunt.
Do something.
I don't care.
Excellent.
Finally, I'm done.
We can go home now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No.
Hold up.
We are going around again.
We're batting around again.
[ All groan .]
Cannon, we've been doing batting practice for two hours.
Right.
I have a blister, and it's affecting my "around the world" snap.
Well, here's to your "around the world" snap.
We're all gonna bat again until one of you hit it out of the infield.
Hit the outfield grass, just one of you.
Every other team in the league is playing nine guys in the infield.
They're taking advantage of your weakness.
Well, it's not gonna be long before they just go to your dugout and steal your women.
- What women? - My point exactly.
Now let's go! Batter up.
Top of the order, whoever that is.
Hey, Junior! You want to join us over here or what? I'm busy! [ The Donnas' "You Make Me Hot" plays .]
Standing over there, wagging your hair There's something that you do Long and lean, a rock-'n'-roll machine I just want to get with you That ass is so hard, you could crack other hard asses off it.
Crack, crack.
Yeah, but he's really more my speed.
Oh, really? You make me hot - Okay.
- [ Sighs .]
Hmm.
His name is Jack.
He's our liquor rep at the pizza place.
Well, everyone needs a slump Buster now and then.
Who am I to judge? Yeah, he's really channeling a whole Beastie Boys "sabotage" thing.
And I like it.
I'm feeling something about this guy.
Hmm.
- I think you should ask him out.
- Oh, wow.
I haven't asked out a guy since I got pregnant and said, "Hey, maybe we should go out and talk.
" Come on, darling.
Ask him out.
With a mustache like that, he's bound to be bringing the thunder.
Oh, I want to, Lulu.
[ Indistinct conversation .]
But I don't know.
Just not ready.
[ Sighs .]
Well, if not you, me and the ladies are going in.
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
You make me hot You make me hot You make me hot Oh, hey, Terry.
Jack, you know Terry.
Terry's poor.
- Dick gets his hair highlighted.
- Terry's poor.
- Dick's afraid of bees.
- Well, you know what? Nothing that small should be imbued with that much power.
Jack, can I Talk to you? - Sure.
- Not Here.
I have a Um Bathroom question.
Front to back, Terry.
Always front to back.
Dick wears spanx and tries to pass them off as bicycle shorts.
No, he doesn't, actually.
That's a lie.
Where you guys going? So, uh, Jack, I've been watchingng you at the pizza place, and I think you're nice.
And I think I'm nice.
And I think we'd be nice together.
Do you like food? I like food.
Of course you like food.
You'd die without food.
I'm Dying right now.
- Do you want to have dinner sometime? - How about tonight? - Okay.
- Okay.
- [ Chuckles .]
I will call you later.
- Sounds good.
Call who later? [ Gasps .]
Ugh.
Who the hell was that? None of your damn business.
- Why aren't you with the kids? - Oh, yeah, about that.
- How many did we start off with today? - 12.
So, not 8? - We switched uniforms! - We switched uniforms! Hmm.
I'm back Season 1, Episode 5 "She.
Could.
Go.
All.
The.
Way!" I'm back Great, Jack.
So, I will see you at sidecar at 9:00.
Jack: Sounds good.
I [ Click .]
[ Dialing .]
Oh, uh, wait a second.
Hey, I'm on the phone! - Who is this? - Who do you think it is? - Hello? - Dad, I'm on the phone.
- Hang up the phone.
- Terry? Terry, how did you get on here? - You have two phones.
- I do? Okay.
Jack, I am [ Click .]
[ Dialing .]
Dad, hang up the phone.
[ Dialing .]
Why don't you just come in the other room and talk to me? Hang up the phone.
[ Dialing .]
Jack, I am so sorry about that.
- It's okay.
You - Hello? - Jack? - Okay, I'm just gonna - Terry? - It's - Dad! - Hello? - Ugh, Jack.
- No, it's still me.
Hang up the phone! [ Beep .]
[ Door closes .]
Hey, hey, hey.
What's the matter? You got a face on your face.
There's this kid, and he cheated off my test today at school.
- Did he pay you? - No.
- Did you smack him in the mouth? - No.
- What did you do to this kid? - I didn't really do anything.
I didn't want to cause any problems.
- Uh-huh.
- Terry Jr.
: Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Terry.
- I didn't know you were home.
Anyway, I have to stop by work and pick up my check.
Danny needs some new shoes.
I need you to take him to the store.
Doesn't sound like something I'm doing.
I got a couple episodes of "Hart to Hart" on tape, and Stefanie Powers [ Grunts .]
Dad, help me out.
Help out your grandson.
- What's that? - Your grandson.
I will, uh I will straighten Danny boy out.
You, though You will bring me home pizza from the place you work at.
I'm gonna be home late.
Why? What would be delaying my food? - I have a date.
- What? Danny, it is just one date.
It doesn't mean anything.
- That's fine.
Have fun.
- Nice.
- I happen to hate this guy.
- You don't even know him.
And you've never liked anyone I've dated.
No, no, no, no, no.
T-the kid with the limp.
You gave him that limp.
You hit him with the car.
- Bumped him.
- I am a grown woman.
Butt out.
I don't like this guy.
Sneakers.
I love you, Danny.
Father "Father!" [ Sighs .]
So? What do you think? Darling, you look gorgeous.
Very sexy.
Does it say, "I want to sleep with you on the first date but I don't do this often"? Oh, wow, darling.
How long has it been? - Was Bush still around? - No.
Obama.
[ Laughs .]
You thought I meant the president.
You are so cute.
[ Chuckles .]
You know I think I might like this guy.
Well, then sleep with him, darling.
Men love that.
So, the rules about waiting and all that, they're gone? Look, darling, the main thing here is to be honest.
Honest.
I can do that.
Yeah, well, unless he asks about your age or the number of men you've slept with.
- Then you round down.
- Well, I've only been with two.
- Round up.
- Okay.
So, I guess you can say that's why the Cannon has been [Clicks tongue.]
banned from Canada.
Typically, a very tolerant country.
But whatever.
He sounds like fun.
- Kind of need to meet him.
- Uh, let me stop you right there.
You will not be meeting my dad.
Nothing against you.
He's been a little overprotective since my divorce.
- Divorce? - Let me stop you right there.
I am divorced, which is why I live with my dad.
It's not something I hoped for, but at least my son has a man in his life.
- Your son? - Let me stop you right there.
Yes, I have a son.
I got pregnant when I was 20, and I am telling you way too much for a first date.
Look, I just want to be totally honest with you.
Let me stop you right there.
Despite your apparent inability to edit yourself and some really sizeable baggage, I really appreciate the honesty.
- Hmm.
- I also think you're really beautiful.
- Point for you.
- And if we're being honest, I might have just a little bit of baggage myself.
I may have quit my job one summer and gone on the road following Coldplay.
- Check.
- Point for you.
[ Chuckles .]
Coldplay confessions aside, I'm just a regular guy who really - Really likes you.
- Yeah? And Jamiroquai.
[ Bell dings .]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
- How those feel? - Great.
They're expensive.
- Not a problem.
- Look, here's what I want you to do.
Keep your head up, be real confident, and when I say go You walk out that door with them on your feet.
What? You mean steal them? I mean go.
I don't want you to get arrested.
Now let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Now.
[ Alarm blaring .]
Man: Excuse me.
Sir? Hey.
Hey, stop! Terry Sr.
: Just watch this.
[ Click .]
See? You can beat any security with a fork and a magnet.
Cannon, we shouldn't have stolen those shoes.
What's the "we" crap? "We"? No, you.
Yeah.
Anyway, look The Chinamen people, they make these for 3 cents.
The store sells them for what? $100? That's stealing, you know.
I mean, we're basically paying 3 cents under wholesale.
Magnet, fork done.
Right? "Thanks, grandpa Cannon.
" You're welcome, son.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
[ Chuckles .]
- I guess this is good night.
- [ Sighs .]
I wish it didn't have to end.
- Me neither.
- So, why did you bring me home? I was being a gentleman.
Why did you let me? Ugh.
I'm new at this.
I would love to invite you in, but my 73-year-old suitcase is inside.
Hmm.
- We could go someplace else.
- Yes, please.
Terry Sr.
: No one's going nowhere! I'm getting the hose! A pipe! And now the night has ended.
- And a bag of nickels! - I'm sorry, Jack.
- [ Clatter .]
Terry, it is okay.
- I'm getting a bat! - I'm not going anywhere.
- And a sword! - And I'm not seeing anyone else.
- An AK-47! - Things will happen.
- A bomb! I'm gonna blow your ass up! - You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
Get off my damn lawn! [ Door closes .]
What was that? Were you sitting by the door, spying on me? Geez, Terry.
When did you get home? Why don't you just drink your vitamin milk and go to bed at 8:00 like all the other seniors? Keep it off my perimeter.
You were un-holying my doorstep.
A mistake I won't make again.
- Hey, mom.
How was your date? - It was nice.
Hey, those sneaks look great.
How much were they? Uh, not much.
They oh.
We got it Th-three cents under wholesale.
Uh, the a big sale? They were on a sale, so You know, I've got to go do my homework.
- Is he okay? - No.
Obviously not.
Because you went on a date with a loser.
- Oh.
- Whatever that guy is little geek.
Obviously.
[ Bell dings .]
You know, you were so good with those sneakers yesterday, I think the team needs a couple new bats.
- How am I gonna steal - No, no, no.
Shh, shh, shh.
Piece of cake.
Cannon, I don't know why we're doing this.
Shh, kid.
Hey, hey.
What are you looking at, wise guy? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The kid was born with Jimmy legs.
He ain't got no telethon.
So, you didn't sleep with Jack? - No.
I was Cannon-blocked.
- Oh.
But it could be a good thing.
I like him, so maybe I should wait.
Oh, no.
No, darling.
You've waited long enough.
You need to get your leg over.
- Tonight? - Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa.
You're gonna sleep with Jack? - How did you hear that? - I'm standing right over there.
And besides, when you two talk, you yell like a couple of magpies.
Why are you wearing a fake mustache? This is not a fake mustache.
I got so much teste coursing through my man veins, I grow these things overnight.
But listen to me you can't sleep with him.
- He's a bad guy.
- [ Scoffs .]
Oh, my God.
Coming from you, that means less than nothing.
Okay.
You can't go out tonight 'cause, uh You're working.
- My shift just ended.
- Well, you got to cover for Billy.
- I had to fire him.
- What? It's just not working out.
We all knew this day would come.
- Terry Jr.
: You're not fired, Billy.
- Pack it up, Billy.
Look, I am going out with Jack tonight, end of story.
It is not your business or anyone else's.
Okay, then.
You're fired.
[ Scoffs .]
No, she's not, Freddie Mercury.
Dang it.
Billy, what the hell are you doing? Get to work.
I'm back! [ Doorbell rings .]
Hey, hey, hey! Hang on! Terry Sr.
: I almost beaned you.
What's with that stupid mustache? Oh, yeah.
You like it? No, it makes you look like a bigger idiot.
- That's not true.
It's pretty boss, right? - Come here.
For like the Tom Selleck look, it's pretty not bad.
Ow! Ow! Okay, that is what a non-manly person would say right there.
Is Terry home? I got I got to talk to her.
No, she's not.
Neither are you.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on! She's dating a bad guy, okay? She's about to make a huge mistake.
- Why are you telling me this? - Because I should.
She's gonna get hurt, and she deserves better, so If you're lying to me for any stupid reason, I will end you.
Okay, that's a bit extreme, but I'm not lying.
- I swear.
- I mean, I just can't go tell her, - "This guy's bad news.
" - Right.
And in her head, you know, she thinks I'm an over-reactionary.
- Imagine that.
- I guess I got to get some proof.
Well, do it quick because tonight's "The Night," if you know what I mean.
You did good telling me.
And the next time I feel like bashing in your face, I'm not gonna do it.
Deal.
- You want to walk through this way? - I don't.
This is fine.
See ya.
Terry Jr.
: Thanks again for dinner.
Second date in the books.
- Ooh! Comfy room.
- I thought it would be romantic.
Just so you know, the last time I did this, there were only two positions.
- Has that changed? - Yeah.
Internet's opened up everything.
Not everything.
- Noted.
- Hmm.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Mm.
Hunter? Hunter: Coach Terry, my parents never showed up to get me from the library.
They're not answering their cellphones, either.
Something's wrong.
You have to come get me.
There are strangers anywhere.
What? It says "everywhere.
" Say it, or you don't get the money.
I mean There are strangers everywhere.
Please come get me.
- I'm scared.
- Terry Jr.
: Okay.
A-all right.
Just stay right there.
I'm on my way, okay? That's what I'm talking about.
Let's hit the library.
That was fun.
[ Sighs .]
[ Music playing through headphones .]
[ Door closes .]
So, I just had to pick up Hunter because someone left him outside the library.
These parents all busy with their audiobooks and gay weddings.
So, you wouldn't know anything about that? How was your night? [ Foot stamps .]
We're going out again.
This ain't over, old man.
No, it ain't, Junior.
[ Engine revs, tires screech .]
Dong: Mr.
Cannon? Why you tell us to go to batting cage and now we in car? Each of you has a particular set of skills None of which is baseball.
Dong, you handle the video because your people love cameras.
- Fat kid, you obviously have lunch.
- Check.
Gingers, if things go bad here, you're the patsies.
- What's a patsy? - What's a patsy? Perfect.
[ Tires screech .]
[ Tires screech .]
Terry Sr.
: Hey! Hey! Dong! Sorry, Mr.
the Cannon.
[ Tires screech, horn blares .]
Go fast! Again! Again! Again! Again! Terry Sr.
: All right, caught him in the act.
That looks like three keys of prime-grade horse to me.
- Just like "The Wire.
" - Yeah Didn't I tell you not to eat in the damn car? - [ BOTH .]
You said a bad word! - You want to hear bad words? Two twins got left by the side of the road.
Focus! Dong, you getting this? [ Hammering .]
- Whoa.
Cannon, what is that? - Um Exhibit "A.
" It's really none of your concern.
Hey, how come you didn't take me to the batting cages with the other kids? You're not an idiot.
How did school go? - We got our tests back.
- And? - I got 100.
- All right.
What did that kid that cheated from you What did he get? - Made you feel like crap, huh? - Kind of.
- "Kind of"? - Yeah.
Kind of.
- "Kind of"? - Uh Not good enough.
Go put your sweatshirt on.
What are you looking at? Do I know you? Well, I'd like to introduce you to, uh, Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser.
Now you better get out of here before we get Mad about You.
Go.
Get out of here.
- Come on, kid.
We're leaving.
- No.
Cannon, I can't do this.
I'm done with it.
I can't sleep.
And I'm having a nervous breakdown.
- I haven't pooped in days.
- I said we're leaving.
- No, we're not.
- You saying no to me? I'm saying no.
No more stealing.
None.
Unh-unh.
That's great.
See? That's great.
You're finally standing up for yourself.
That's what you should have did with that kid that was cheating off of you.
[ Stammers .]
This whole crime spree, this was just you teaching me a lesson? Yeah.
You can't let anybody take advantage of you.
We're Gannons, man.
We're leaders.
If anybody's gonna take advantage of anybody, it is us.
You could have just told me that.
Yeah, I mean, I could tell you a lot of things, but until you look it in the eye and wash its back I don't know what that means! So end of the lesson.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Cleanup in aisle 12! [ Feedback .]
Man: Janitorial services to aisle 10.
- 12! - A-aisle 12.
- You ready to go, beautiful? - Just after I change, hot stuff.
Scratch that.
What about "babe"? Does "babe" sound weird? - Not coming out of your mouth.
- [ Slow clapping .]
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Very good, Jack.
Very good.
Hey, I want to introduce you to the Cannon, A.
K.
A.
The Cannon.
Terry Sr.
: I'm gonna introduce you to a world of pain.
- Yeah, get him! Get him! - Dad, stop! Stop! You think I'm gonna let you You disrespect my daughter? You think I'm gonna let you take advantage of her, you piece of garbage? - What are you talking about? - He's a lowlife.
Here.
- Let me show you.
- Yeah.
- I got this.
- I got him good.
There he is.
There he is, with a bunch of druggies.
You followed him around with a video camera? - What is wrong with you? - You want to explain this, Flyboy? I'm hanging out with those guys 'cause I'm going to a meeting with them.
I'm in recovery.
Five years clean this week.
You're a quitter.
Here I got it on good authority that this package had drugs in it.
- What authority? - The fat kid.
Just like "The Wire.
" You mean the game console I bought off of Craigslist because Terry mentioned Danny wanted one? You're so sweet.
Sweet, my ass.
Here's the "piece of resistance," the "coop de grass.
" Hmm? Jack: I thought it would be romantic.
Who is the bimbo you're playin' headboard hockey with in it, tell me, who? Dad, that'me.
Are you happy now? No, no.
No, I'm not.
Look I seen you, you know, unhappy once.
I just didn't want to see it happen again, okay? I know.
And I appreciate you looking out for me, but I don't need your protection.
In case you hadn't noticed, I am your daughter.
I can handle myself.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
- It was his fault.
- Not true.
And the face-bashing deal is off.
- We had a deal.
- There is no deal.
- You can't take that back.
- I'm gonna get you, man.
The face-bashing deal is off.
Just get.
I'll show you a deal.
Wow you are amazingly well-adjusted, considering you have him for a father.
I never want to see your sorry ass again, Jack.
I can't believe I almost slept with you.
That was not me on that video.
I was never in room 625.
- Then why did you tell your dad it was? - 'Cause I didn't want to let him win.
But he's right.
You're a bad guy and a liar.
This is dating.
And I never lied to you.
Yeah, actually, you did lie.
You said you weren't seeing anyone else.
I'm not seeing her.
We're just having fun, you know? Like you and me.
- "Having fun"? - Well Ha.
Right.
You know The 19-year-old me would have slept with you anyway.
And the 25-year-old me would have ignored the signs that you were sleeping with other women.
But I've already done all that.
So now, the 32-year-old me is just gonna do this.
[ Thud .]
Ohh! [ Thud .]
[ Groans .]
I'm a Gannon.
No one takes advantage of me anymore.
And I'm taking this.
[ Cries .]
I'd like to return these.
I stole them the other day, and I feel terrible about it.
That stuff isn't stolen.
[ Scoffs .]
What are you talking about? You're the Cannon's grandson, right? Before you came in, he paid for all this.
He told me he was, uh, teaching you a lesson.
He's a maniac But if you still want to return them, I can give you cash or store credit.
Cash.
And here endeth the lesson.