Beautiful People (2008) s01e05 Episode Script
How I Got My Tongs
# Ah-ah # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream and let it show # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream # And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na # Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow # Fashion inJuries have no respect for age or gender.
They can hit anyone at any time.
Ow.
What did the doctor say it was? Suspected bicep tendonitis.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! From carrying this season's must-have Goyard man bag? Not quite as life-threatening as Isadora Duncan's silk scarf moment, but more embarrassing, because, unlike her, I've stayed alive to claim my shame.
My God, I want those tongs.
Hands off.
They're vintage.
I wasn't always a quirky window dresser in downtown New York.
I was a quirky kid in downtown Reading.
(Kylie) They're amazing.
And when I was 13, I decided to stop speaking.
It's the way they glisten in the light.
- Ooh.
- How many times a woman need to say it? Don't covet my tongs.
I won those tongs in a Black Hair & Beauty show, freestyle section.
They will never be yours.
I take them to my grave.
- Do I make myself clear? - God! Huh! Her new do is Just so now, girlfriend.
The reason I stopped speaking was because I convinced myself I'd got Gonorrhoea.
- What? - What? - What? - What? - There's an echo.
- Gonorrhoea.
- We're eating custard.
- I thought you were being serious.
- I am.
- You wish.
- (Fart) - You're gonna have to get Mummy to the vet.
- She's unnaturally rotund.
- Shut up.
She's Just big-boned.
Anyway, what is all this about gonorrhoea, Simon? Have you ever had sex? - Simon? - No.
His voice Just broke.
Then it's unlikely you've concocted a sexually transmitted disease.
If it was her saying it - Debbie.
- Thanks.
I blame our form tutor Miss Dunderdale.
- You put the lotion on your pubic thatch.
- (Giggling) But be careful, the lotion is Day-Glo blue and it marks your fingers.
So if you ever see someone with blue fingers, it is more than likely that they have an infestation of crabs.
Simon, what did I Just say? - If you get crabs, your fingers go blue? - Have a house point.
- (# Steps: 5,6,7,8) - Now, gonorrhea.
(Simon) Never mind gonorrhea.
I had paranoia.
It's a lot worse.
# My boot-scootin' baby is driving me crazy # My obsession for a western, my dance-floor date Bollocks! Oi, woofter! What you lookin' at? Eh? Aaaaghhh! Miss! Miss! You have, you've got crabs.
Maybe some of them got into my mouth and made me contract.
Miss Dunderdale likes the sound of her own voice.
Any relation? And not everything she says is true.
He said, "Libby" That's my Christian name.
"Libby" No offence, Mohammed.
"You've got your finger on the pulse.
"Would you like to open a record shop with me?" I said, "No, teaching's my vocation.
" And what was that man's name? Richard Branson.
I said, "I'd love to organise the security for the wedding of the century, thank you, ma'am.
"Now, stop throwing up and try some of this lovely Death By Chocolate, hm?" And what was the name of that retching royal? Lady Princess Diana.
But, hey, fear of germs is nothing compared to the big D.
- What did the vet say? - He recommended an apples-only diet.
If Mummy doesn't lose weight soon, she's gonna die.
(Hyperventilating) Simon, everyone dies eventually, even you.
(Sobbing) (Family sobs) He was the best brother in the world.
I was only vile to him cos of sibling rivalry and shit! (All wailing) I know I beat him up and that, but it was only 'cause I couldn't bring myself to tell him how much I idolised his innate sense of style.
(Family wailing) (#Janet Jackson Got 'Til It's Gone) Oh, you ain't gonna die, girlfriend.
I am, unless I get myself cryogenically suspended.
But we're gonna move to London, and who will we live amongst? The beautiful people.
Now, is it time for this to come off yet? # Now you're realisin' when the nights go long, right? # Campaign for me stay when you know that I'm gone, right? # You act all wild when I tell you to settle # I was workin' round the clock but your girls wanna meddle # Talkin' about, "I heard he swims with this chick on the beach" So, do I look like a disco Diana? # hangin' up and posin', now why you wanna go and do that? Well? # Why you wanna go and do that, and do that, huh? # Why you wanna go and do that? # Why you wanna go and do that, and do that? # (Shrieking) Makin' my son look like a batty boy, batty boy! - Get out, you great wet nelly! - But he wanted to look like I don't care what he wanted to look like! Get out! Stay out! And don't come back! Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog Has someone let off? - Oh! - Ah, Jesus.
Hayley, if you're gonna feed it apples 24 hours a day, at least clean up after it.
Shush, Debbie, be quiet.
I'm in the zone.
And I'm in the shit, literally.
Simon, get me a wet wipe and sponge that up.
- Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog - What is she doing? Visualising.
She's been touching up self-help books all day.
Visualisation's about the power of thought.
You think something hard enough and it happens.
I'm trying to think Mummy thin.
Could you try visualising Mummy with constipation? Could you try visualising me being the sixth member of Steps? How many apples has that thing eaten? I bought 30 yesterday.
Yeah, she's got a real taste for them.
That dog's weird.
She keeps hiding my Female Eunuch in the veg carousel.
No, that's me.
You know I think Germaine messes with your head.
What rattled you? You've got a face longer than Céline Dion.
- She's on her blob, innit? - Ashlene.
I Just walked past them builders on the parade.
The ones making the new tanning salon.
Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tans, yeah? - And I got wolf-whistled.
- Yeah, right.
I'd be hanging out the flags, they ever leered at me.
- I know what it is.
- Your propensity to sport miniskirts? - Simon.
- You're a foxy chick, Debs.
It's only natural the fellas get aroused.
- Fair play to them.
- Dad, you're sick.
It's this hairdo.
It's too tarty.
I'm gonna have to book a session with Tameka.
You boycotted Tameka after Hayley heard her describe you as tarty at Shape'N'Tone.
She called you a dirty old slag bag.
But she only called me that cos she heard I'd gone to Perm Suspect on the high street.
I don't trust 'em at Shape'N'Tone.
Always get a waft of kebab when I'm squatting.
I've tried every hairdressers in Reading, and she's the only one who don't make me brassy.
D'you want me to visualise you looking tasteful? I'm gonna have to call her.
Aunty Hayley, in order to visualise, don't you have to be able to see in the first place? - Simon, don't be rude.
- I have a vivid imagination.
Simon, go and play out.
You don't get enough oxygen.
- I can't.
- Why not? Kylie doesn't want to be my friend any more.
- Go and play with one of your other friends.
- He hasn't got any.
- Well, then, go and play with yourself.
- Mother! I said, "Girls, don't come trick-or-treating at my door, "go away and do something constructive with your lives.
" So they did.
And what were their names? The Spice Girls.
# It's time to begin, now count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8 Whenever I want to mend a broken relationship, I try and reach out to that person through the medium of dance.
# My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Simon) It can have amazing results - # My boot scootin' baby as long as no one else interferes.
# My obsession from a western, my dance-floor date # My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8 - Want me to teach you a Steps dance routine? - Steps is racist.
"Are racist", and they're not.
- They're all white.
- I thought you hated them.
If you haven't got any mates, go out and make some new ones.
You're doin' my nut in, guy.
All right, I will.
Because, don't forget, in 1997 it was never hard to find some fellow Steps enthusiasts.
# It's time to begin, now count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8 It's great getting new friends, cos you can reinvent yourself as a cool and trendy dude.
# My dance-floor date, my rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe Go and listen to your crap music somewhere else! You're giving me a migraine! Drop dead, Tameka.
- (Whines) - Come on, Mummy.
Oh, she's rank, guy.
The size of her.
If I was that big, I'd never go out.
She won't go on, Aunty Hayley.
Shall I get Dad? Nah, coax her with a Golden Delicious.
Come on, catch! Oops.
Right.
Come on, Mummy, on the scales.
(Pants and whines) Who's a good girl? - What's she supposed to weigh? - 70 pounds.
Why, how much does she weigh? - A hundred and ten.
- (Crunch) (Fart) I'm going out with the girls from work tonight.
That new Irish theme pub, the Impressive Crack.
You been? Tameka, I'm so sorry I went off and tried other hairdressers.
It was foolish of me and I won't ever do it again, I promise.
Look, I know you called me some names at Shape'N'Tone.
It was Bums & Tums.
And threw a brick at me in the street.
And put up false prostitute cards in phone boxes with my number on it, but I was hurting, Debbie.
Does a faithful dog expect to be kicked? Look, I may come across as if I have a heart of stone, but cut me and I bleed, Debbie Doonan, I bleed.
- I know.
If it's any consolation, I feel awful.
- You look awful.
- I don't look that bad.
- You do.
Right.
Well, you better work your wonders, then.
I think I better had.
Are we friends again? (Both laugh) Oh, Debs! Here, you've missed some serious gossip while you've been away.
Have I? I knew it.
Now, why don't I get us a nice glass of rum, and I will tell you all about Candy Lam and her one-fingered gynaecologist.
# Goldfinger! # Mm-mm-mm! Visualisation is all complete and utter bollocks.
Say it out loud and it happens? Codswallop.
Picture it and it's there? Don't make me laugh.
And what good are apples gonna do, eh? She eats about 80 a day.
Today she started licking a traffic warden Just cos she was wearing apple-blossom scent.
The traffic warden didn't mind.
She herself exhibits a very frisky chow.
What are you doing? Throwing away all my Power Of Thought And Visualisation books.
They're a waste of money.
Aunty Hayley, they're my school books.
- These are your visualisation books here.
- Oh.
- Why didn't you stop her? - Sorry.
Oh, they've got food all over them now.
- Everyone at school's gonna call me a pikey.
- Makes a change from effeminate woofter.
- He's not effeminate.
- Helen Keller could tell he was effeminate.
- He's Just autistic.
- I'm artistic.
Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo! Waterloo! # I was defeated! You won the war! # (Both laugh) I love songs about history.
Here.
# Ra-ra, Rasputin! # - You all right, love? - Yeah.
Oh! Oh, my! Oh! Here, you'll never guess what your Simon said to me the other day.
What? He was outside the shop dancing to Steps.
- He loves them Steps.
- Mm.
I'd like to line them up and shoot them, personally.
(Both laugh) He was outside and then he Ow! Oh, bollocks.
- (Sobbing) - (Sobbing) Mum and Aunty Hayley were really into competitive mourning.
(Both sobbing) (Both sobbing) Hayley, you didn't even know her.
Oh, that's true.
- (Sobs) - Mum, what's happened to your hair? Haven't you heard? Tameka keeled over halfway through her bob.
- Is she all right? - Yeah, if you believe in life after death.
Drop dead, Tameka! Oh, my So Aunty Hayley was wrong.
Visualising did work.
I'd told Tameka to drop dead, and she did.
I'd ended a life.
(Laughter outside) I'd ended my friendship with Kylie.
And I'd ended my mum's reputation as the most stylish woman in Reading.
How ever would I recover from this? - (Whispers) Are you awake? - You smell of apples.
Apple daiquiri.
I had to fight Mummy off in the hall.
Before she died, Tameka said she'd seen you.
She was about to tell me what you said to her, only she never got it out.
I know what you told her.
You told her I thought she was the bee's knees, didn't you? You're a good boy, Simon.
I love you.
Why? I love you no matter what, Simon.
That's what mums do.
Even if I'd murdered someone? Even if you'd garrotted them and chopped them up into little bits and fed them to piranhas.
And then killed the piranhas, and force-fed the killer fish to me, making my face go green, causing it to turn 360 degrees à la Exorcist shouting "Choke, bitch, choke, you twisted psycho mother, you!" Oh, sweet dreams.
(Creaks) Still, if a mother's love is unconditional, maybe things were finally looking up.
Who's my handsome boy, eh? Stick telly on, Simon.
Fat chance.
This is BBC Television from London.
Diana Princess of Wales has died after a car crash in Paris.
She was taken to a hospital in the city early this morning.
Surgeons spent two hours trying to save her life, but she died at four o'clock from severe chest inJuries.
# If ever you need me, say my name # I will deliver # If your cloud is lookin' dark, call me up # I'll bring you silver # And I don't know if you've felt this before # But there are times that I go to the wall # So sometimes I need you #Just to call my name in a quiet hour I thought maybe Kylie'd want to mourn the passing of the Queen of Hearts with me.
He's too distraught.
I had to sedate him with some Night Nurse.
Please.
(Sighs) Move on, Simon, eh? Move on.
# Sometimes I need you # Let me know the truth # When "sorry"Just won't do # Sometimes I need you - My Uncle Terry died in a car crash.
- The one with the eye? The other one, driving back from IKEA, bunny-hopped off the Westway, and buried himself under a flat-pack armoire-come-drinks cabinet.
- That's terrible.
- I know.
We tried assembling it at the wake but three of the screws were missing.
I'm worried about Simon.
He's gone all morbid.
Christ.
He'll be listening to Morrissey next.
He needs to get over this death thing.
- You've got me here under false pretences! - She won't bite.
We were going shopping for a Tamagotchi.
Simon, you have got to stop being freaked out by death.
- But - One day, you'll see me or Dad in a coffin, and I don't want that to be your first experience of a corpse.
Oh, she looks happy.
Mind you, she went to Clacton last week.
Did her the world of good.
See.
It's not scary, is it? (Simon) Now, I bet you think I'm going to steal those tongs.
How else would they end up in my possession? Think again.
- I killed her.
- Simon.
- But I did.
- Stop showing off.
I told her to drop dead, and she did.
Ha-ha-ha! - So that's what you said to her.
- It's not funny.
- Well, she thought it was.
- Eh? Oh, Simon, she had a hole in the heart and a liver the size of Guatemala from all that rum.
(Giggling) Touch her.
Dare you.
- Why? - See what she feels like.
- You touch her.
- I've touched loads of corpses.
- And why would I want to touch her? - Cos if it was me, you'd want to touch me.
- But it's not you.
- And the sensation might upset you.
But this way, you'll know what it's like.
I'll buy you the Tamagotchi.
No, not there, not between her legs.
(Tameka) # Waterlool I was defeatedl You won the warl Ha-ha-ha! This is Tameka.
Leave a message after the tone.
- Mum.
- (Beep) She always had to get the last word, that one.
- All right, Debbie? - You all right, Reba? Slut.
All right, Kylie? Simon.
I thought one more stab at winning Kylie back mightn't go amiss.
# Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your (Rings) Yo, what's happenin', bro? # loud So I reached out to him via the medium of not only dance but a winning key change.
It worked.
# Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside # And learn how to hide your feelings # Fly high and proud # And if you should fall # Remember you almost made it # Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside # And learn how to hide your feelings (Man) The hearse is now still coming up the Finchley Road, passing World Of Leather # My shoulder is your rest when things get too bad (Man) strewn with flowers and sometimes even threatening the driver's ability to see where he's going, as so many flowers have been hurled towards the hearse as it starts its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
(Sniffs) What's happening now? People are throwing flowers at the hearse on its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
- Where's that? - Near Northampton.
Oh, well, they'll be going through Reading, then.
- Will they? - Yeah, they'll go past the maternity hospital.
She opened that KFC concession in it.
- Really? - Yeah, I went there with the Blind Bingo lot.
She (Sniffs) felt my face.
Gave me a start.
Wish she'd warned me.
But is Reading on the way to Northampton, really? - Yes.
- You're Joking.
I got A in geography O level, didn't I? To go from London, you go London, Reading, Northampton.
(Sniffs) - # Na-na-na na-na na-na - (Door shuts) Oh, shit, I meant Southampton.
Too late now.
Still, they can get a nice bargain bucket.
# Na-na-na na-na na-na # Na-na-na na-na na-na # Na-na-na na-na na-na (Vehicle approaches) Here she comes! We love you, Diana! - Forever! - (Smash) (Tyres screech) (Smash) Vandalising twats! Leg it! Ladies and gentlemen, today we are Joined by some very special guests.
Some of Tameka's friends and family in Jamaica.
- (Beep) - Can you hear me, Winston? Er yes, Father.
Er Irie? (Others) Irie! # R-E-S-P-E-C- # Find out what it means to me # R-E-S-P-E-C- # Take care, T-C-B # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me - # Respect! # - (Sobbing) She did love Brazil nut! (Sobbing) She loved water melon! What's in this one? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum? And she loved apples! (Sobbing) - (Growls) - Mummy.
- (Barks) - No! Mummy! - (Crash) - Mummy! (Laughing) So if you didn't steal those tongs from Tameka's coffin, who did? I swapped 'em with me mum's BaByliss ceramic hair straighteners, girlfriend.
- Oh.
- As swaps go, that's a way cool.
That's you done and dusted, my treasure.
Now get in that window and make Mama look good.
Oh! (Simon) The hair can look good.
The hair can look great.
But as I said at the start, fashion inJuries can beset anyone at any time.
Even the beautiful people can experience a bronzed, bare-legged - Whoa! fashionista fall.
# Don't go changing every time Oh, my arm! Hey! - Ow! - Ow! Go, girlfriend.
# Ah-ah # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream and let it show # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na #
They can hit anyone at any time.
Ow.
What did the doctor say it was? Suspected bicep tendonitis.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! From carrying this season's must-have Goyard man bag? Not quite as life-threatening as Isadora Duncan's silk scarf moment, but more embarrassing, because, unlike her, I've stayed alive to claim my shame.
My God, I want those tongs.
Hands off.
They're vintage.
I wasn't always a quirky window dresser in downtown New York.
I was a quirky kid in downtown Reading.
(Kylie) They're amazing.
And when I was 13, I decided to stop speaking.
It's the way they glisten in the light.
- Ooh.
- How many times a woman need to say it? Don't covet my tongs.
I won those tongs in a Black Hair & Beauty show, freestyle section.
They will never be yours.
I take them to my grave.
- Do I make myself clear? - God! Huh! Her new do is Just so now, girlfriend.
The reason I stopped speaking was because I convinced myself I'd got Gonorrhoea.
- What? - What? - What? - What? - There's an echo.
- Gonorrhoea.
- We're eating custard.
- I thought you were being serious.
- I am.
- You wish.
- (Fart) - You're gonna have to get Mummy to the vet.
- She's unnaturally rotund.
- Shut up.
She's Just big-boned.
Anyway, what is all this about gonorrhoea, Simon? Have you ever had sex? - Simon? - No.
His voice Just broke.
Then it's unlikely you've concocted a sexually transmitted disease.
If it was her saying it - Debbie.
- Thanks.
I blame our form tutor Miss Dunderdale.
- You put the lotion on your pubic thatch.
- (Giggling) But be careful, the lotion is Day-Glo blue and it marks your fingers.
So if you ever see someone with blue fingers, it is more than likely that they have an infestation of crabs.
Simon, what did I Just say? - If you get crabs, your fingers go blue? - Have a house point.
- (# Steps: 5,6,7,8) - Now, gonorrhea.
(Simon) Never mind gonorrhea.
I had paranoia.
It's a lot worse.
# My boot-scootin' baby is driving me crazy # My obsession for a western, my dance-floor date Bollocks! Oi, woofter! What you lookin' at? Eh? Aaaaghhh! Miss! Miss! You have, you've got crabs.
Maybe some of them got into my mouth and made me contract.
Miss Dunderdale likes the sound of her own voice.
Any relation? And not everything she says is true.
He said, "Libby" That's my Christian name.
"Libby" No offence, Mohammed.
"You've got your finger on the pulse.
"Would you like to open a record shop with me?" I said, "No, teaching's my vocation.
" And what was that man's name? Richard Branson.
I said, "I'd love to organise the security for the wedding of the century, thank you, ma'am.
"Now, stop throwing up and try some of this lovely Death By Chocolate, hm?" And what was the name of that retching royal? Lady Princess Diana.
But, hey, fear of germs is nothing compared to the big D.
- What did the vet say? - He recommended an apples-only diet.
If Mummy doesn't lose weight soon, she's gonna die.
(Hyperventilating) Simon, everyone dies eventually, even you.
(Sobbing) (Family sobs) He was the best brother in the world.
I was only vile to him cos of sibling rivalry and shit! (All wailing) I know I beat him up and that, but it was only 'cause I couldn't bring myself to tell him how much I idolised his innate sense of style.
(Family wailing) (#Janet Jackson Got 'Til It's Gone) Oh, you ain't gonna die, girlfriend.
I am, unless I get myself cryogenically suspended.
But we're gonna move to London, and who will we live amongst? The beautiful people.
Now, is it time for this to come off yet? # Now you're realisin' when the nights go long, right? # Campaign for me stay when you know that I'm gone, right? # You act all wild when I tell you to settle # I was workin' round the clock but your girls wanna meddle # Talkin' about, "I heard he swims with this chick on the beach" So, do I look like a disco Diana? # hangin' up and posin', now why you wanna go and do that? Well? # Why you wanna go and do that, and do that, huh? # Why you wanna go and do that? # Why you wanna go and do that, and do that? # (Shrieking) Makin' my son look like a batty boy, batty boy! - Get out, you great wet nelly! - But he wanted to look like I don't care what he wanted to look like! Get out! Stay out! And don't come back! Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog Has someone let off? - Oh! - Ah, Jesus.
Hayley, if you're gonna feed it apples 24 hours a day, at least clean up after it.
Shush, Debbie, be quiet.
I'm in the zone.
And I'm in the shit, literally.
Simon, get me a wet wipe and sponge that up.
- Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog - What is she doing? Visualising.
She's been touching up self-help books all day.
Visualisation's about the power of thought.
You think something hard enough and it happens.
I'm trying to think Mummy thin.
Could you try visualising Mummy with constipation? Could you try visualising me being the sixth member of Steps? How many apples has that thing eaten? I bought 30 yesterday.
Yeah, she's got a real taste for them.
That dog's weird.
She keeps hiding my Female Eunuch in the veg carousel.
No, that's me.
You know I think Germaine messes with your head.
What rattled you? You've got a face longer than Céline Dion.
- She's on her blob, innit? - Ashlene.
I Just walked past them builders on the parade.
The ones making the new tanning salon.
Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tans, yeah? - And I got wolf-whistled.
- Yeah, right.
I'd be hanging out the flags, they ever leered at me.
- I know what it is.
- Your propensity to sport miniskirts? - Simon.
- You're a foxy chick, Debs.
It's only natural the fellas get aroused.
- Fair play to them.
- Dad, you're sick.
It's this hairdo.
It's too tarty.
I'm gonna have to book a session with Tameka.
You boycotted Tameka after Hayley heard her describe you as tarty at Shape'N'Tone.
She called you a dirty old slag bag.
But she only called me that cos she heard I'd gone to Perm Suspect on the high street.
I don't trust 'em at Shape'N'Tone.
Always get a waft of kebab when I'm squatting.
I've tried every hairdressers in Reading, and she's the only one who don't make me brassy.
D'you want me to visualise you looking tasteful? I'm gonna have to call her.
Aunty Hayley, in order to visualise, don't you have to be able to see in the first place? - Simon, don't be rude.
- I have a vivid imagination.
Simon, go and play out.
You don't get enough oxygen.
- I can't.
- Why not? Kylie doesn't want to be my friend any more.
- Go and play with one of your other friends.
- He hasn't got any.
- Well, then, go and play with yourself.
- Mother! I said, "Girls, don't come trick-or-treating at my door, "go away and do something constructive with your lives.
" So they did.
And what were their names? The Spice Girls.
# It's time to begin, now count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8 Whenever I want to mend a broken relationship, I try and reach out to that person through the medium of dance.
# My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Simon) It can have amazing results - # My boot scootin' baby as long as no one else interferes.
# My obsession from a western, my dance-floor date # My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8 - Want me to teach you a Steps dance routine? - Steps is racist.
"Are racist", and they're not.
- They're all white.
- I thought you hated them.
If you haven't got any mates, go out and make some new ones.
You're doin' my nut in, guy.
All right, I will.
Because, don't forget, in 1997 it was never hard to find some fellow Steps enthusiasts.
# It's time to begin, now count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8 It's great getting new friends, cos you can reinvent yourself as a cool and trendy dude.
# My dance-floor date, my rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe Go and listen to your crap music somewhere else! You're giving me a migraine! Drop dead, Tameka.
- (Whines) - Come on, Mummy.
Oh, she's rank, guy.
The size of her.
If I was that big, I'd never go out.
She won't go on, Aunty Hayley.
Shall I get Dad? Nah, coax her with a Golden Delicious.
Come on, catch! Oops.
Right.
Come on, Mummy, on the scales.
(Pants and whines) Who's a good girl? - What's she supposed to weigh? - 70 pounds.
Why, how much does she weigh? - A hundred and ten.
- (Crunch) (Fart) I'm going out with the girls from work tonight.
That new Irish theme pub, the Impressive Crack.
You been? Tameka, I'm so sorry I went off and tried other hairdressers.
It was foolish of me and I won't ever do it again, I promise.
Look, I know you called me some names at Shape'N'Tone.
It was Bums & Tums.
And threw a brick at me in the street.
And put up false prostitute cards in phone boxes with my number on it, but I was hurting, Debbie.
Does a faithful dog expect to be kicked? Look, I may come across as if I have a heart of stone, but cut me and I bleed, Debbie Doonan, I bleed.
- I know.
If it's any consolation, I feel awful.
- You look awful.
- I don't look that bad.
- You do.
Right.
Well, you better work your wonders, then.
I think I better had.
Are we friends again? (Both laugh) Oh, Debs! Here, you've missed some serious gossip while you've been away.
Have I? I knew it.
Now, why don't I get us a nice glass of rum, and I will tell you all about Candy Lam and her one-fingered gynaecologist.
# Goldfinger! # Mm-mm-mm! Visualisation is all complete and utter bollocks.
Say it out loud and it happens? Codswallop.
Picture it and it's there? Don't make me laugh.
And what good are apples gonna do, eh? She eats about 80 a day.
Today she started licking a traffic warden Just cos she was wearing apple-blossom scent.
The traffic warden didn't mind.
She herself exhibits a very frisky chow.
What are you doing? Throwing away all my Power Of Thought And Visualisation books.
They're a waste of money.
Aunty Hayley, they're my school books.
- These are your visualisation books here.
- Oh.
- Why didn't you stop her? - Sorry.
Oh, they've got food all over them now.
- Everyone at school's gonna call me a pikey.
- Makes a change from effeminate woofter.
- He's not effeminate.
- Helen Keller could tell he was effeminate.
- He's Just autistic.
- I'm artistic.
Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo! Waterloo! # I was defeated! You won the war! # (Both laugh) I love songs about history.
Here.
# Ra-ra, Rasputin! # - You all right, love? - Yeah.
Oh! Oh, my! Oh! Here, you'll never guess what your Simon said to me the other day.
What? He was outside the shop dancing to Steps.
- He loves them Steps.
- Mm.
I'd like to line them up and shoot them, personally.
(Both laugh) He was outside and then he Ow! Oh, bollocks.
- (Sobbing) - (Sobbing) Mum and Aunty Hayley were really into competitive mourning.
(Both sobbing) (Both sobbing) Hayley, you didn't even know her.
Oh, that's true.
- (Sobs) - Mum, what's happened to your hair? Haven't you heard? Tameka keeled over halfway through her bob.
- Is she all right? - Yeah, if you believe in life after death.
Drop dead, Tameka! Oh, my So Aunty Hayley was wrong.
Visualising did work.
I'd told Tameka to drop dead, and she did.
I'd ended a life.
(Laughter outside) I'd ended my friendship with Kylie.
And I'd ended my mum's reputation as the most stylish woman in Reading.
How ever would I recover from this? - (Whispers) Are you awake? - You smell of apples.
Apple daiquiri.
I had to fight Mummy off in the hall.
Before she died, Tameka said she'd seen you.
She was about to tell me what you said to her, only she never got it out.
I know what you told her.
You told her I thought she was the bee's knees, didn't you? You're a good boy, Simon.
I love you.
Why? I love you no matter what, Simon.
That's what mums do.
Even if I'd murdered someone? Even if you'd garrotted them and chopped them up into little bits and fed them to piranhas.
And then killed the piranhas, and force-fed the killer fish to me, making my face go green, causing it to turn 360 degrees à la Exorcist shouting "Choke, bitch, choke, you twisted psycho mother, you!" Oh, sweet dreams.
(Creaks) Still, if a mother's love is unconditional, maybe things were finally looking up.
Who's my handsome boy, eh? Stick telly on, Simon.
Fat chance.
This is BBC Television from London.
Diana Princess of Wales has died after a car crash in Paris.
She was taken to a hospital in the city early this morning.
Surgeons spent two hours trying to save her life, but she died at four o'clock from severe chest inJuries.
# If ever you need me, say my name # I will deliver # If your cloud is lookin' dark, call me up # I'll bring you silver # And I don't know if you've felt this before # But there are times that I go to the wall # So sometimes I need you #Just to call my name in a quiet hour I thought maybe Kylie'd want to mourn the passing of the Queen of Hearts with me.
He's too distraught.
I had to sedate him with some Night Nurse.
Please.
(Sighs) Move on, Simon, eh? Move on.
# Sometimes I need you # Let me know the truth # When "sorry"Just won't do # Sometimes I need you - My Uncle Terry died in a car crash.
- The one with the eye? The other one, driving back from IKEA, bunny-hopped off the Westway, and buried himself under a flat-pack armoire-come-drinks cabinet.
- That's terrible.
- I know.
We tried assembling it at the wake but three of the screws were missing.
I'm worried about Simon.
He's gone all morbid.
Christ.
He'll be listening to Morrissey next.
He needs to get over this death thing.
- You've got me here under false pretences! - She won't bite.
We were going shopping for a Tamagotchi.
Simon, you have got to stop being freaked out by death.
- But - One day, you'll see me or Dad in a coffin, and I don't want that to be your first experience of a corpse.
Oh, she looks happy.
Mind you, she went to Clacton last week.
Did her the world of good.
See.
It's not scary, is it? (Simon) Now, I bet you think I'm going to steal those tongs.
How else would they end up in my possession? Think again.
- I killed her.
- Simon.
- But I did.
- Stop showing off.
I told her to drop dead, and she did.
Ha-ha-ha! - So that's what you said to her.
- It's not funny.
- Well, she thought it was.
- Eh? Oh, Simon, she had a hole in the heart and a liver the size of Guatemala from all that rum.
(Giggling) Touch her.
Dare you.
- Why? - See what she feels like.
- You touch her.
- I've touched loads of corpses.
- And why would I want to touch her? - Cos if it was me, you'd want to touch me.
- But it's not you.
- And the sensation might upset you.
But this way, you'll know what it's like.
I'll buy you the Tamagotchi.
No, not there, not between her legs.
(Tameka) # Waterlool I was defeatedl You won the warl Ha-ha-ha! This is Tameka.
Leave a message after the tone.
- Mum.
- (Beep) She always had to get the last word, that one.
- All right, Debbie? - You all right, Reba? Slut.
All right, Kylie? Simon.
I thought one more stab at winning Kylie back mightn't go amiss.
# Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your (Rings) Yo, what's happenin', bro? # loud So I reached out to him via the medium of not only dance but a winning key change.
It worked.
# Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside # And learn how to hide your feelings # Fly high and proud # And if you should fall # Remember you almost made it # Don't cry out loud #Just keep it inside # And learn how to hide your feelings (Man) The hearse is now still coming up the Finchley Road, passing World Of Leather # My shoulder is your rest when things get too bad (Man) strewn with flowers and sometimes even threatening the driver's ability to see where he's going, as so many flowers have been hurled towards the hearse as it starts its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
(Sniffs) What's happening now? People are throwing flowers at the hearse on its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
- Where's that? - Near Northampton.
Oh, well, they'll be going through Reading, then.
- Will they? - Yeah, they'll go past the maternity hospital.
She opened that KFC concession in it.
- Really? - Yeah, I went there with the Blind Bingo lot.
She (Sniffs) felt my face.
Gave me a start.
Wish she'd warned me.
But is Reading on the way to Northampton, really? - Yes.
- You're Joking.
I got A in geography O level, didn't I? To go from London, you go London, Reading, Northampton.
(Sniffs) - # Na-na-na na-na na-na - (Door shuts) Oh, shit, I meant Southampton.
Too late now.
Still, they can get a nice bargain bucket.
# Na-na-na na-na na-na # Na-na-na na-na na-na # Na-na-na na-na na-na (Vehicle approaches) Here she comes! We love you, Diana! - Forever! - (Smash) (Tyres screech) (Smash) Vandalising twats! Leg it! Ladies and gentlemen, today we are Joined by some very special guests.
Some of Tameka's friends and family in Jamaica.
- (Beep) - Can you hear me, Winston? Er yes, Father.
Er Irie? (Others) Irie! # R-E-S-P-E-C- # Find out what it means to me # R-E-S-P-E-C- # Take care, T-C-B # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me # Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me - # Respect! # - (Sobbing) She did love Brazil nut! (Sobbing) She loved water melon! What's in this one? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum? And she loved apples! (Sobbing) - (Growls) - Mummy.
- (Barks) - No! Mummy! - (Crash) - Mummy! (Laughing) So if you didn't steal those tongs from Tameka's coffin, who did? I swapped 'em with me mum's BaByliss ceramic hair straighteners, girlfriend.
- Oh.
- As swaps go, that's a way cool.
That's you done and dusted, my treasure.
Now get in that window and make Mama look good.
Oh! (Simon) The hair can look good.
The hair can look great.
But as I said at the start, fashion inJuries can beset anyone at any time.
Even the beautiful people can experience a bronzed, bare-legged - Whoa! fashionista fall.
# Don't go changing every time Oh, my arm! Hey! - Ow! - Ow! Go, girlfriend.
# Ah-ah # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream and let it show # Don't let them go, don't let them go # Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na #