Beef (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[bicycles whirring]
[Danny] On your right.
- Is that an SLR 9?
- Sure is.
That's crazy. I used to have one of those.
- Yeah?
- I don't do carbon anymore, though.
Aluminum is just the king.
Yeah, I was thinking
about making the switch.
How far you headed?
- Just down Old Topanga and back.
- Oh, word, me too.
- It's nice to have a riding partner today.
- Definitely.
I'm George, by the way.
Hey. I'm Zane.
[Isaac] Ugh. Fucking house arrest,
and now this?
I can't believe I got shingles
on top of everything else.
It's stress, dude.
Power of the mind. Mind over matter.
- It's the power of herpes.
- Shut the fuck up, Bobby.
Yo, herpes zoster.
- [Isaac] Stop saying "herpes."
- It's chicken pox.
Not everything is science.
It helps to relax.
Relax? Thanks, Michael.
How am I supposed to relax?
They got me crossing state lines,
grand larceny, assault. I'm fucked.
- I'm fucked, dude.
- [knocking on door]
It's your cousin.
Don't be all welcoming and shit.
I want him to feel bad.
Yo, long time, man. Sick beanie, bro.
[Isaac clears throat]
Fuck you.
- Okay.
- [Isaac] Hey, Danny.
Come on in. Nice to see you.
I'm going to prison for the both of us,
and that's what you brought?
- Sara Lee pound cake?
- I
I just made a quick stop.
Whatever. Cut the shit up.
Thick slices.
Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds.
Okay. What the?
You think there's gluten in here?
[Michael]
The whole fucking thing is gluten.
[Danny] Hey, you know,
I tried to tell the cops
it wasn't all you,
but they wouldn't believe me.
- Yeah? You told the cops?
- I did. Like
They knew the truck and business
were under your name, so it's like
None of this would've went down
if you didn't steal a fridge.
Who registers a mini fridge?
What the fuck?
None of it would've went down
if your brother didn't steal the truck.
This is that plant bitch's fault.
Yeah? The plant bitch,
will she pay my legal fees?
Pay back the 20K you owe me?
I got to thinking,
"There's no way this bitch is self-made."
All that bragging about
pouring milk into mouths?
- Shut up, liar. What are you talking?
- The fuck are you talking about?!
The plant bitch, the milk,
what are you talking about?
It always fucked with me
she wasn't married to some white dude.
And guess what,
her husband is the son
of a big Japanese artist.
Dude, she married into art money.
They got all this crazy shit
we could steal.
No, for real.
He told me all about his father's pieces.
- You're hanging out with the husband now?
- Don't worry, I didn't tell my real name.
I introduced myself as Zane.
- [Bobby] Oh!
- [Michael] Fuck.
You're out there doing fucking cosplay?!
Here's what you'll do.
You'll finish working at the church,
and then I'll cash that check.
I'm gonna cash it!
You work, I cash.
And then I'm gonna keep cashing.
I'll keep cashing till I can pay off
the lawyer to keep me out of jail, okay?
Is that cool?
Does that work for you?
You see that?
I was there. K-Town riots.
Just off of frame.
If they just used the wider lens,
I'd be in the history books.
Oh, fuck, dude, this is good.
You guys try this?
[Michael] This shit is so heavy, bro.
Fuck this job.
[Bobby groans]
[Michael] What the fuck, Bobby?
What did I tell you about the gun, dude?
- [Bobby] What?
- Come on, this is a church.
- Put it in the car.
- Relax. I forgot.
Remember Dick?
Remember him and his friend?
I don't know any Dicks, bro.
Who's naming their kid Dick anymore?
The former vice president Dick Cheney
is who I'm talking about, dude.
He shot his friend
in the fucking face, dude.
[Bobby] Fine. I'll put it in the car.
Did you ever hear
of the Harvard crow study?
- I got waitlisted at Harvard.
- I know.
They put this dude in a Dick Cheney mask
and he was mean to these crows,
and the crows talked to other crows.
All over the country,
no matter where Cheney was,
crows would attack his ass.
They'd be chirping at his face,
just pecking him and shit.
I got into UT Austin as well.
Dope.
Yo, thanks for helping with this, guys.
We're just here to get paid, man.
- [Michael] Not paid enough, right?
- Know what I mean?
Hey, I heard you guys started
working for Isaac about two years ago.
Is that what he said?
Working for him, not with him?
He's been doing that since we were kids,
telling you that you're equals,
but he always ends up being the alpha.
- He wishes he was alpha.
- Dude's not even a beta.
Yeah, no, he's like zeta.
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
What?
Cool.
Yeah. Yeah, dude's got no vision.
Yeah, I got vision, though.
Just no one can see my vision but me.
Yo, your art heist idea?
- Fucking fuego.
- Yup.
Thanks, man.
She upgraded her security system,
but I got in before, I can get in again.
[Bobby] What did you steal last time?
Oh. Uh
I, uh
I pissed all over her bathroom.
Like, gallons.
Very cool.
I told her I was a contractor
and walked right in.
Yo, we could say we're contractors.
Yup.
Nah, I already did that one,
so, you know
Well, you know, but there's no bad ideas.
I'm not like Isaac.
This is a three-way street.
What did you have in mind?
[doorbell rings]
- Zane, my man.
- Yo.
Thanks for coming, man.
I know it was short notice.
Man, thanks for having me.
I normally have to lead praise band
rehearsal, but I have a day off.
I know you.
- Sorry. She's weird around new people.
- Oh, no, it's
Come on in.
Oh, man, beautiful home.
This is a timeless kitchen, man.
Ah. Thanks, Zane.
I know you.
Sweetie, we don't do that. Okay?
That's not how we greet new guests.
One sec, let me get her some candy.
- Oh, hey, I have some Skittles.
- Oh, you do? In your pocket?
Got a sweet tooth.
Can I have some, please?
If Zane gives you some,
are you gonna stop saying "I know you"?
I always keep a bag in my truck,
- so any time, just ask. Okay?
- Okay.
- Can I use your bathroom?
- Yeah. Straight down to the left.
[Danny] Thanks.
Uh, don't shoot the messenger,
but I think there's a leak
in your plumbing.
I heard some trickling behind the tiles.
Fudge sundae.
- Really?
- Yeah, I think so.
[George] Shoot.
Well, I gotta call Amy.
- She handles all the house stuff.
- Dude, we can handle this.
You know what? Let's do some research.
- I'll do the research.
- No, it's too much trouble.
Not a problem at all. I'm on it.
- Really?
- Yeah. Looking up plumbers right now.
Thanks, man. You're the best.
Yo, best recognize best.
- Hey.
- [laughs]
[Michael] Nice. Danny just texted
a list of shit to buy.
This is what I'm talking about, man.
Finally, a fucking plan.
- Yo.
- Yo?
Overalls. That's the move.
No, bro. Farmers wear overalls, dude.
- So do plumbers.
- No, they don't. This ain't a video game.
- Where you see a farmer at?
- I went apple picking a couple weeks ago.
Let's buy this shit.
All right.
This is where it all goes down.
Wow. Very cool.
What are those?
Oh, uh
Those are my late father's pieces.
Right. I remember you mentioning him.
- Right.
- This just returned from the gallery.
- Tamago, the Holy Grail.
- [Danny] Wow.
No offense to your dad, um,
but, I don't know, these pieces
kind of feel like a little out of a place,
compared to all the crazy, creative stuff
you got going on everywhere else.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, like, this is what I imagine
when I hear about fine art, you know?
Makes me feel like
I don't know how to describe it.
I'm not good at this shit.
There's no bad way of interpreting art.
Say whatever comes to mind.
I mean, you know,
I don't know if it's right, but
Uh, I don't know, it kind of makes me
feel sad.
Gives me like a
a sticky feeling inside,
I don't know,
like in my chest, in my legs.
I don't know, I'm just, like,
going off the top of my head.
Wow, um
You okay? Did I do that wrong? That was
No, no. You did great. Um
I don't know,
sometimes I just feel like a fraud,
you know?
- Hmm.
- When my dad passed away,
my first thought was,
"I wonder if he died disappointed."
No one ever told me otherwise, so, um
That was really nice.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, no problem, man.
I mean, you got the gift.
I'm so glad I met you, man.
I've been kind of lonely lately.
My wife's been so busy making
all these big life decisions without me.
I know we just met,
but I feel like you actually care.
You're a good person.
I have a good sense about these things.
Thanks, man.
I gotta make a quick call, if that's cool?
- Yeah. Yes, please. Yeah.
- I'll be right back.
[line ringing]
- [Michael] Yo, Danny. What's up?
- Michael.
Hey, dude, plan's off. Okay?
I don't have time to explain.
What? Did you do the leak?
Yeah, but there's nothing
worth stealing here.
- They got a TV, though, don't they?
- Yeah, they have a TV.
- But just forget it, okay?
- We already got all the stuff, man.
- What do you mean? Just put it back.
- It's in the cart.
- You can't put it back. It's rude.
- It's not rude.
Dude, if you won't do it, then we will.
Send me her address.
- No, I am not giving you their address.
- Don't make us look it up. We'll find it.
We're not robbing this house.
- Come on. Dude!
- End of story.
Plan's off.
- Fucking Chos, man.
- Yeah.
So, what now?
Listen for trickling water.
[doorbell rings]
Hi. Can I help you?
- Hey.
- Hey.
We were just driving by
in the neighborhood,
- and we noticed We're plumbers.
- We're plumbers.
We noticed that you might
have a little water leak.
- You guys are good. How'd you know?
- [Bobby] You could have a pinhole leak.
- It's caused by heavy minerals.
- [Michael] Yup.
And I gotta tell you,
as professionals, it's not safe.
There could be dangerous mold
growing in there right now.
We recommend you get out immediately,
so we can take care of it, if you'd like.
You know, I appreciate all the info,
but I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Uh, there's two of us, so
I have an opinion, he's got one.
There's two of them there.
- I'm sure. Thank you, guys. Take care.
- [Bobby] The longer you wait,
- the worse it's gonna get.
- [Michael] Way worse.
[fans whirring]
I could totally tell
they were scamming me.
So I watched a few videos,
I bought a few fans,
and then I turned off the water valve.
All by myself.
There might be some mold, though,
so we'll have to call some people in
to come test it while we're away.
What?
Oh. I found us an Airbnb in Ojai.
Ojai!
Amy's gonna meet us after work.
I know.
I wish it could be us going instead.
Stop it.
I miss you too.
Okay, okay. Well, I gotta go.
I gotta clean up.
I'll call you when I come back, okay?
I love you too.
Bye, Mia.
[Mia] Well, think about me.
I can't wait until you get back. Bye.
[Fumi] Uh, excuse me?
Oh, my gosh. Mrs. Nakai.
Okay. Yeah.
Amy should be right out, like any second.
I'm Mia, by the way.
I don't think we've ever met,
but we've spoken over the phone.
I haven't been here in a while.
Is it always like this?
Sorry for the mess.
A bunch of people just quit.
The acquisition news got out,
and everyone's looking for jobs.
Chaos always follows my daughter-in-law
wherever she goes.
I guess that's why her and George
make such a great pair.
It's almost like a yin-yang, right?
Are my son's vases selling?
Oh. You know, I think what's happening
is people are admiring them
Even the most imaginative vases,
like the '70s Scheurich Fat Lavas,
were limited to red or brown glazes.
The abstract nature of Joji's vases
reflect the state of emergence
he's participating in.
Oh, my God.
Don't get me started on Fat Lavas.
That's what you should say
to the customers.
Right.
I was just talking to George about
his glazing techniques the other day.
I admire the artistry
in your family so much.
So if you ever need an assistant
or know of any galleries hiring, I'd be
- Is there a restroom nearby?
- Oh. Yeah. It's right around the corner.
- [camera clicks]
- [Fumi shouts]
Oh, my God.
I was just checking an ingrown hair.
- No need to explain.
- [Amy] One second.
Fumi. Hi.
- I didn't know you were coming by.
- [Fumi] I had the Uber drop me off.
- Did you forget?
- [Amy] Lunch.
Oh, my God. You know, Fumi,
it's been so hectic lately. Um
- Can we reschedule?
- [Fumi] That's okay.
- I could only do a quick bite, anyway.
- [Amy] Okay, great. Um
I'll make sure to book enough time
so we can order the whole menu.
- May I?
- Yeah, of course. [chuckles]
[door closes]
[Fumi] But, Joji, why wouldn't you just
leave that to the professionals?
[George] These plumbers did stop by
the house, but I fixed it all by myself,
you know, with my own two hands.
You sculpt with your hands.
I know, Mom,
but it's nice to feel useful for once.
Oh, I'm pulling into Ojai now.
I'll call you later, all right?
Miss you, love you.
[call disconnects]
[Fumi] Hello, Joyce. It's Fumi.
Just calling to chat.
Call me. Bye-bye.
[line ringing]
[on voicemail] You've reached Renee.
Leave me a message. Thanks.
Hello, Renee. It's Fumi.
Just calling to chat.
Call me. Bye-bye.
Um
[phone buzzing]
- Hello, Tom.
- [Tom] Mrs. Nakai.
Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier.
Busy day.
That's okay. I'm just following up.
Were you able to get that loan
from your daughter-in-law?
We were supposed to speak earlier today.
I had to reschedule.
Listen, as your accountant,
I have to say,
things are not looking good.
Haru's estate isn't solvent,
and I just got your credit card statement.
We've spoken about this.
You need to create a new budget
or find new streams of revenue.
I know, I know.
You just got the Tamago chair back
from the gallery. Maybe finally sell?
I can't sell, you know that.
And even if I wanted to,
George would never let me.
You want me to talk to him?
No, please don't.
He's still not over Haru
leaving him so little.
You know, he's out of town,
but I can go to his place
and pick some other pieces to sell.
Okay, Tom?
[gunshots]
[Paul] Yo, last round.
I gotta pack up some clothes.
My brother's coming home soon.
Bro, can't keep avoiding him, man.
You live here.
Whatever.
I'll just keep crashing with you guys.
I don't know, man.
Gonna have to start charging you.
All right.
No, for real.
I mean, our place isn't cheap.
Market's been shit.
Yeah. No, that's cool.
Can't you just get
your sugar mama to help you out?
She's not my sugar mama.
I mean, she gave you cash,
and she's a mom.
Mm-hm.
No, we're just two humans
connecting, all right?
- We care about each other.
- Care about that dick.
[Brody] Paul, I killed you.
Dude, he's so sensitive, man.
Shit.
Hi.
Hi.
Look, I know I said this before,
but if we're gonna hang out,
we can't do anything physical. Okay?
Okay.
["Natural One" playing]
[moaning]
I'm the one natural one
Make it easy ♪
[Amy] That feels so good.
I want you to spit on it.
[moaning]
Where I can love how I like
If I want it ♪
Whatever keeps me high ♪
[both moaning]
[Paul] Oh, shit.
Fuck.
You feel so good.
- Do you like my pussy?
- Yeah.
You like how it squeezes your cock?
[moans] Fuck, I'm gonna come so hard.
I'm gonna come so hard.
I'm coming! I'm coming!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
So you got me thinking a lot
about my own future lately.
Oh, yeah? How so?
Just like getting my shit together,
starting to plan, you know.
Yeah.
That's good.
I've been crashing at my boy's place
ever since the fight with Danny.
Did he say anything about the arrest?
No, he texted me some shit
about how I owe my cousin an apology,
- but fuck that.
- Fuck that and fuck him.
You know, I can't crash
at my boy's place forever.
Like if I had my own place,
I could make some moves, you know.
Even my brother is getting
his own spot, you know.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
I don't know, just
You think you could lend me some money?
I'll pay it back, ASAP.
I just I need a jumpstart, and then
I know I have it in me
to be a millionaire like you in no time.
Well, you make it sound like
what I achieved was easy.
No, I'm just saying, like
I'm saying I could do it too.
[scoffs] Okay.
What, like, now you don't think so?
Well, Paul, it just takes a lot more
than good intentions.
I have busted my ass for years.
I've sacrificed my well-being,
the well-being of my family. It
It's not millionaire in no time.
If you don't want to give me
the money, just say so.
You don't have to be a bitch about it.
Jesus Christ.
You should leave.
I'm dead serious. Get the fuck out.
Word.
Nobody calls me a bitch
in my home. Get out.
You know, work's not the reason
your life's a fucking mess.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[sniffling]
[phone buzzing]
Hey, Naomi.
I saw George's post. So cute.
- What are you guys doing in Ojai?
- I'm about to drive there now.
We're having some work done on the house,
so he surprised me with the staycation.
He's so thoughtful.
My husband never does stuff like that.
Yeah, George is He's pretty special.
- Sorry, there's a tickle in my throat.
- No worries.
Hey, so small favor,
I just got nominated for next year's
People to Watch in Calabasas Style,
and I was hoping that
you could write a recommendation letter
I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.
Can you say that again?
Oh, no worries. I was saying that I'm up
for next year's People to Watch, and
You know what, Naomi?
I have some work to do.
Can l call you back later?
Sure. Sure, yeah. Call me back whenever.
[call disconnects]
Hi.
[Amy] I want you to know that,
despite what everybody tells you,
- you can have it all. You can.
- [panel host] Wow.
Stuck-up bitch.
[Danny] I was sitting in my car,
and all of a sudden,
this woman just starts honking at me
from her fucking perfect white SUV.
And then she fucking tags my truck
with "I'm a bitch."
Is that normal behavior?
[Amy] Hey, security? Security, I think
some drunk tourists have wandered in.
[Naomi]
You're sure all these came from the SUV?
Neighbor said they saw the driver
throw trash out the window.
I gathered everything I could find.
Maybe from the truck, I don't know.
You wouldn't happen to have seen
if the truck was tagged
with "I'm a bitch"?
Excuse me?
I know a neighbor who drives a white SUV.
It could be her.
But do you have proof?
No, but I have a hunch.
She doesn't have much regard for others.
Well, I received 12 other tips
about white SUVs in the area.
They're all convincing.
But the cops are no help.
Oh, I'll help you, Firouz.
I'm a very busy woman,
but this is important to me.
- And I will not
- I never got the new Calabasas Style.
You know,
I think someone is stealing my mail.
Please take it.
I'm actually up
for next year's People to Watch.
Oh, impressive.
That is no easy feat.
Thank you.
Well, I know lists are silly.
Had I known I was visiting a celebrity,
I would have brought
something to autograph.
Oh, my God, stop.
Do you want anything to drink?
[automated voice] Arming in 30 seconds.
[beeping]
[door opens, then closes]
[car starting in distance]
Four, three, two
- Disarmed.
- [beeping stops]
[line ringing]
[on voicemail] You've reached the offices
of Tom Jones, CPA.
- Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
- [beeps]
Hey, Tom. How much do you think
the Tamago will sell for?
I think I'm going to sell it.
There are some disruptive events
happening between my son and his wife.
It may affect my finances. Call me ba
[door unlocks, then opens]
[Michael] These rich people
get these fancy systems
and don't even set them.
- Look at all this money.
- My plan would've worked.
Yeah, smashing and grabbing everything
in under two minutes isn't a plan, dude.
[Bobby] 'Cause you freeze under pressure.
That's 'cause in fight or flight,
I'm fight. You understand?
I'm trying to stay put,
activate my core, keep my trunk solid.
You don't know if someone will pop out
and you gotta knock them out.
[Bobby] Yo, if I sense
even a little bit of danger, pew!
I'm flight, baby. Korean Air.
Yeah, you're a bitch.
Holy shit. Look at this thing, dude.
Look at this fancy thing.
It's like on some Beetlejuice shit, huh?
All those lumps and bumps.
I bet it's worth so much.
Looks like herpes poo-pooed.
[Michael] I'm saying, you're obsessed.
For someone
who supposedly doesn't have it,
you talk about it all the time.
No, I'm talking about the family.
I'm talking HSV-1, HSV-2.
I'm talking zoster, Epstein-Barr.
Ugh, what an unfortunate name
for a virus, you know.
- [Fumi] You motherfuckers!
- Oh, fuck.
[high-pitched ringing]
["Lonely Day" playing]
- [Bobby shouts] Shit!
- [yelps]
Such a lonely day, and it's mine ♪
The most loneliest day of my life ♪
Such a lonely day should be banned ♪
Oh, my God.
I know who lives there.
The most loneliest day of my life ♪
The most loneliest day of my life ♪
Such a lonely day shouldn't exist ♪
It's a day that I'll never miss ♪
Such a lonely day, and it's mine ♪
The most loneliest day of my life ♪
And if you go
I wanna go with you ♪
And if you die
I wanna die with you ♪
Take your hand and walk away ♪