Betas (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 (sighs) True or false.
Since 2006, N.
F.
L.
become sport for crybabies.
Again, not much of a sports girl.
Did you even read my profile? True! Horse-collar tackle is fair, no? 50 years it's okay.
But then in 2006 a couple of pussies snap their legs and poof, suddenly not legal.
Uh, another round on Yanni over here.
Like, immediately.
Let me show you maneuver for purpose of reference.
Oh, what the fuck, dude? That's what I say to league.
What the fuck? Roy Williams makes horse-collar tackle signature move.
In my opinion why not say, "No tackle of any kind"? Make it two-hand touch.
Pussy ball.
Look, Georgie, you're a hot piece of ass.
But if this is gonna work, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
Ooh, ooh, oh, move real slow You gotta feel my soul Come on, baby, feel my (phone chimes) JORDAN: Morning, Barrett.
What do you want, Jordan? Just wondered if you checked out Twitter today.
I've been a little occupied.
Well, BRB's blowing up.
Tons of fucked-up mismatches last night.
That's algorithmically impossible.
We're probably getting trolled.
I woulda thought so, too, had I not seen it for myself.
First hand.
Oh.
So you decided to use my little hook-up app, huh? Don't get cocky.
It was a disaster.
It's gonna make a helluva story.
Give me 24 hours.
If I don't report on this, someone else will.
And I like to come first.
This could bury us, and you know it.
You've got ten hours to find me a better story.
Then the knives come out.
(phone beeps) I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot We launched so fast, I figured I missed something, a bug.
-But look at all these.
-TREY: Manual edits.
We've been hacked.
What about our backup logs? -Overwritten.
(sighs) -(electronic music plays) Okay, no one sets foot in the accelerator until we fix this.
You hear me? A glitchy launch is one thing.
All-out security breach is game over! Will you give it a rest?! Sorry! I'm totally listening.
The, um, manual, uh, back, uh, the back-ups.
(sighs) Kid's off his meds.
It's not pretty.
Well, get a refill.
I need you focused.
I can't.
Not for two more weeks.
Sorry.
Does anybody want some Moose Tracks? I got some sugar cones.
Nachos, as well.
That would be pretty sick.
I poached a few Addies to get through launch.
May have killed the bottle prematurely.
Sorry.
You're an asshole.
Also a hacker, so tell me what we're dealing with here.
(sighs) All right.
(sighs) This is what it would look like if I hacked us.
Meaning what? Meaning whoever did this had an intimate knowledge of my coding techniques.
(sighs) Fuck, Jon Carlo.
Who? It's an old hacker buddy of mine.
Never forgave me after kicking him out of Operation Aviary back in '01.
Operation Aviary? We broke into government servers trying to find documents on U.
F.
O.
s.
Yo! You believe in aliens? I believe in a citizen's right to know, Mitch.
TREY: And this helps us how? I mean, Nash and Mitchell still have to rebuild the code from scratch.
J.
C.
explains to us how he damaged it, saves us precious ticks.
Let's find this fucker.
Here ya go.
Shit.
We're trending.
Hashtag BRBwarned? We're fucked.
You sure you wanna do this, man? J.
C.
's like my mortal enemy.
This could get ugly.
All this because of aliens? That was just the final straw.
We were best friends for years.
Back in 99, when Y2K fever was heavy in the air, we lived together off the grid almost like brothers.
He also tried to burn me alive, so I gotta tell you, those W.
T.
O.
protests? Made me who I am today.
Battle of Seattle, baby.
(laughs) Hey, "Dangerous Minds", time to pay the piper.
Hobbes! This is a surprise! God, it is good to see you! That is Jeremy there, huh? Abe, Peter S.
We are the Four Horsemen.
Don't believe we've had the "pleas.
" Cut the shit, J.
C.
Oh, Hobbes.
Oh.
(laughs) Your anger was always so palpable.
Made you a worthy adversary of the oppressor.
Now, can I interest either of you in an heirloom tomato, huh? They're organic.
Look, we don't want to make a scene in front of the Horsemen.
We're not involving the cops.
We just need you to reverse the edits.
Edits? Come on.
We know you hacked BRB, dick.
BRB? Oh, that's that hook-up app for your phone.
-It's not a hook-up app.
-It's got hook-up components.
Oh, yes! Your new gig! Congratulations.
You know, I've always been rooting for you.
Oh, yeah? Were you rooting for me when you tried to kill me? You mean the summer I saved you from a bee attack? Those were your bees.
You opened the door to a shed full of your bees.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret that.
Can we focus? Please.
Hobbes says you're the only person who knows his encryption methods.
I have dedicated my life to shaping young minds.
Why would I hack your app? I don't know.
I don't know what you're capable of.
Yeah, but you do.
Have I ever not taken credit for a hack? Name one instance.
(phone chimes) (sighs) Okay, we gotta go.
Nash tracked the hacker's I.
P.
to some pie place.
Sorry.
I hope this is a rebirth for us.
Hey! Drop out of school.
Take acid.
Your parents are liars! This guy's a liar.
(microwave beeps) Ow.
Okay.
All right.
Flying in.
Here we go.
I can't eat those.
Right.
The lactose.
Sorry.
I'm a fucking space cadet.
Um, do you want grapes? No.
I have grapes.
Got the green kind.
Fuck! A lawyer at Dropbox matched with a registered sex offender.
They blogged about it on HuffPo.
(sighs) -(playing electronic music) -No, wait.
No, wait.
Wait.
No, wait.
I got it.
-Will you get him out of here? -Yes, yes.
I'm done.
Just where Can I take these? I can't think! -Yeah.
Yeah, take 'em.
-All right.
Sweet.
-Bye.
-Sorry.
Bye.
He was pee'd, right? He seemed hella pee'd.
No, he's just projecting.
Look, I think I can get you some Addies.
-(gasps) Fo' reals? -Yeah.
Oh, that would be huge.
Um, hey maybe we should take my car.
Um, I just although I probably shouldn't drive in my current condition.
But you could! Although I don't know if my insurance is gonna cover the both of us.
You know, you might be a liability if, uh, things were just (panting) Okay.
(sighs) If things get too intense you can always hold onto the sissy strap.
(engine revs) Ah! Eyes wide open, eyes wide open Wait.
Wait.
But you've only patched 5% of the code, and you booted Mitchell? He was disturbing me.
Hi! I'm Joanne, Trevor's mom.
I live upstairs.
Uh, hi.
I'm Nash to to meet you.
Nash, who are you talking to? I'm just gonna straighten up a little bit.
Don't worry, I'll stay out of your hair.
Nash, any decision you make today, you run by me first, okay? But just tell me what's going on with the code exactly? Maybe I can help.
Maybe if I was building a simple chess simulator! This is complicated work, Trey! (phone beeps) What's up? -(sighs) - Doo, doo, doo You don't recognize anyone? - Doo, doo, doo -WOMAN: Um Oh, I guess it could be the dude with the mask.
Bill never takes that mask off.
If he came in, he'd look just like that.
Okay.
Um, cute cat.
(laughs) He's dead.
Okay.
That's gross.
Actually, you know what? I think you've, uh, gone through all the suspects.
Wait.
She came in here last week.
I remember.
She called me a twat cuz I wouldn't hold a slice of key lime for her.
Sounds like Brenda.
Fuck me.
Wait.
Your ex hacked us? Things have been weird with her, but I don't (sighs) I couldn't really see her doing that.
Hey, we're gonna have to go and see her, man.
Are you gonna be cool? Just don't let me fuck her.
Yeah.
That sounds like a job I want.
I'm never gonna find somebody better (sighs) With you I wanna be by your side And hold you tight Oh, hon.
Oh.
Your energy, the stress I can feel it just emanating.
May I work with you? Work with me? I'm a Second Degree Reiki healer.
And your chakras are are deeply misaligned.
But I, um, I have, uh, to Okay.
Day she moved in here, we had sex right in the hallway.
It was like "Less Than Zero" with shittier coke.
Fascinating.
(sighs) Listen, man, I know we're in crisis mode here, but, uh but I'm getting a lot of personal shit coming off you.
Oh, you think? We're getting hacked because you're personally obsessed with your ex-wife.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you stalk Lisa's Instagram some more? Seems to cool you off.
Why do you keep bringing that up? Just trying to keep your eye on the ball, man.
Hey! Brenda! Don't power trip me! Open up! Look, we hooked up a few times.
It literally meant nothing.
I knew it! You boned down on Lisa.
How was she? She likes it rough, right? Like a lot of buttoned-up girls do.
-Did you go downtown? -Are you serious? I'm just trying to get a visual, man.
Suck your balls? Hi there.
We're, uh, looking for Brenda? She moved.
That's impossible.
I saw her three weeks ago, right here.
Did she leave a forwarding address? Somewhere in Oakland.
(sighs) So, um, who's this connect of yours? Uh, she's a friend.
She's a graphic designer.
Does some sex work on the side.
Oh.
That's word.
Sex work is chill.
I definitely consider myself, uh, sex positive.
Do you ever listen to Dan Savage's podcast? -No.
-Oh, it's the best.
How come you only call me when you want something? Oh, come on.
It's not even fucking like that.
Oh, snap.
You're from Dane's wall.
Dane? Are you still screwing that idiot? A), no, and B), not your fucking business anymore.
God, the shittier you are to me, the more I want you.
Mm.
This space is the bomb dot com, by the way, you know.
Dope floors.
What are these, uh, Pirelli tiles? Oh, no.
I'm okay.
Thank you.
I like a little scruff, you know.
Gives my face some definition.
Sure.
(clears throat) Try not to draw attention to the fact that we're buying illicit substances, kay? -Right.
-I'll be back.
We'll be here.
Ah.
(laughs) "Terminator", ya'll.
(laughs) Hey, yo, what are you doing? Shut up.
Oh, I like this.
The idea of holding a man down, a sharp blade against his neck It's fucking hot, right? Yeah.
Totally.
It's super hot.
Yeah.
What do ya say, Mitchy? You wanna fulfill a girl's fantasy? Uh, all right.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
-Shave me.
-Hmm.
(laughs) No, come on.
Oh.
I'm yours now.
(laughing) Hey, well played, Bitchell.
(laughs) -Thank you.
-(sighs) (clears throat) Oh.
Thanks for the drugs.
Sorry.
Um It's all about energy, and love is the highest vibrational energy there is.
Can you feel it? That's your crown chakra opening up.
(laughs) (hums) Hot buttered Christ on a stick.
Young man, I know for a fact, that's not your pie! Jesus, mom, don't burst a vessel.
At least offer some to your guest.
Don't be such a asshole.
I don't even know this guy.
(sighs) Want some pie? Pie? (doorbell rings, phone chimes) Fuck.
Another threat from Jordan.
We have four hours.
Don't respond, she feeds on misery.
She's a blogger.
Bloggers are garbage.
What are we gonna do? I mean, Brenda's obviously not home.
Well, we could break into her house, check her laptop? There might be useful data.
That's a double-bitted lever tumbler.
If I just had the right tools, I could - Door's open.
- Okay.
Owwww! Fuck.
(grunts) This is my Ab Curler.
It's the only piece of exercise equipment I've ever gotten into.
Shut up.
Will you shut the fuck up?! Oh fuck.
Okay.
Grab it.
Let's go.
-Just a second.
-What are you doing? Dude, we need to leave now.
The word loser is highlighted like 50 times, dude.
Bad teeth.
Giamatti face? Don't do this to yourself.
Let's just go.
(sighs) Oh.
Turns out I'm high-anused, which I knew.
And Bren cheated on me.
That, I did not know.
What the fuck, dude? BRB is on the brink of collapse and you're spiraling into some kind of self-destructive vortex.
We've wasted the whole fucking day! Well, if you hadn't insisted on launching early, we wouldn't have gotten into this shit-storm in the first place! This is on you! (sighs) You know how you still can't figure out why Brenda left you? Well, let me help you out it's cause you're a depressing sack of shit! Oh, yeah.
You're such a charmer Lisa left you after fucking you one time! It was eight times.
We fucked eight times.
-Oh, you counted the times? -Yeah.
Ah! Ah! (grunts) Ah! -Oh! -What the fuck? Hobbes! What the fuck are you doing here? Jon Carlo? What is this? Dude, I I wanted to tell you about us earlier.
Can I get some fucking ice? Are you insane? You just break into my house? What the fuck are you doing? I almost killed your friend! Yeah.
(sighs) Why? (sighs) We were friends since before you and I even met, okay? It just kinda happened.
Not him.
Why did you hack BRB? What? You really think I would jeopardize your one source of income? Okay, I can barely pay my rent.
Why do you think I moved to fucking Oakland? Baby.
Babe.
I need your stupid little app to hit it big, asshole.
We both do.
And not just financially.
We want to see you flourish as a human being.
God, it's such a relief this is all out in the open.
I guess I just don't understand why you didn't I mean you we we still call each other.
You still call me and we I need you to go.
Okay? C'mon, man.
Let's get out of this dump.
Go.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Hey.
-Get the fuck out.
-Ssh MIKKI: I used to come here when I was little.
I loved chasing those bubbles.
The giant ones.
Bet you were a cute kid.
Yeah, I rocked a pretty sweet bowl cut.
My mom used to take me here during her stoned Tai Chi phase.
Oh, no.
That slow-motion karate stuff? -Yeah.
-(groans) I get embarrassed just looking at it.
I don't think I've ever seen Sharon embarrassed.
She doesn't like me to call her mom.
Says it makes her feel old.
-Are you guys close? -I dunno.
She likes to say we're twin souls.
But I barely even see her.
She's just always off finding herself.
Right now she's in Peru studying to be a shaman.
Anyway.
I bet your parents are really nice.
What makes you say that? 'Cause you're a good egg, Mitch.
No, they're almost too nice.
Like, uh, everyone's afraid to show their real emotions.
Oh.
My mom's nothing if not real.
I wonder how we'll fuck up our kids.
I don't mean, our kids our kids.
Me and you.
-Uh-huh.
-Just like, in general.
Just, you know, the like not that I wouldn't want to, uh I get it.
Oh.
What's wrong? (sighs) I was the one who hacked BRB.
-What? -Not on purpose.
I tweaked the algorithm to match me with a girl I really like.
-I thought maybe -God, Mitchell.
It was one line of code.
I changed a single If-Then statement.
And then I tried to cover up my edits and it just all spun out of control.
I wanted to tell Trey this morning so bad, but I know he's just gonna fire me so I I couldn't do it.
Look.
I'm I'm sure the girl would be really flattered.
But that was a bonehead move.
I mean you've gotta tell Nash.
-It's okay.
-It's far from okay.
Okay.
It's not okay, but you have to -Uh-huh.
-Tell Nash.
(sighs) He's on the 50-yard line.
Fakes to the left For all we know, this hacker could be a Swedish teenager or some shit.
Okay.
Nash is plugged in, he's working on the code.
There is nothing to do for the time being, except drink.
My favorite whiskey in the world.
I figured if not tonight, then when? For tomorrow we die.
Never would of pegged you as a Dave Matthews man.
-It's First Corinthians, fucker.
-Even weirder.
Hey, I'm sorry about earlier.
For blowing up at you.
I didn't mean, like, 80, 85% of what I said.
Dude, I deserved 100% of what you said, man.
I dragged you into my fucked-up drama.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the stuff I said about Lisa, man, over at That was not cool.
(laughs) Nah, you were right.
Even before the hack, I just felt like breaking something.
(sighs) That just means you miss her.
Take it from a guy who's punched a lot of holes in walls.
So just to get real for a second, she sucked your balls, right? (laughs) Jesus.
You're relentless with that.
Yeah, well.
(sighs) So you think Brenda getting married means she's done fucking me? I thought her divorcing you meant she was done fucking you, so - Fine.
Yes.
- (laughs) Fuck it, right? Let's just embrace the chaos, right? Let me demonstrate for purpose of reference, huh? Whoa! Hey! What the fuck, man? (laughs) Yes! Exactly! What the fuck? -No, no.
No.
No! -Yes! Oh, get the fuck away from me, man.
Fuck you! Are you Dallas Cowboys fan? Ooh Limits Ooh Limits of desire Nash, um (sighs) There's something I gotta tell you.
I don't even know how to begin.
But I just need you to know that I respect you so, so much and I never meant to hurt anyone.
-Or -I know it was you.
I traced the hacker's I.
P.
to Pie High.
Went back in the code and found some anomalies in your profile.
I didn't know you liked her so much.
Yeah, I she's she's pretty awesome.
You know, once I discovered the initial If-Then, the pattern crystallized and then I tried to fix it.
I swear I did.
But it's just without my Adderall, I couldn't remember my steps.
And then I just kept ruining everything.
And then the whole thing Relax, I I patched it.
Everything seems to be back to normal.
I called Trey and I let him know.
As far as he's concerned, you had nothing to do with this.
(laughs) (sighs) Thanks.
(laughs) Thank you.
To Avinash! To Avinash! The smartest guy I know.
Oh.
Fuck.
You really think that? Just in terms of raw horsepower.
-(phone chimes) -Zip text.
Ooh, Jordan's Cooter? (laughs) Shit.
For purpose of demonstration.
Hey, man! Ah! Ah! You fucking dick.
And when we get folks fooling around What the fuck just happened? Being a sound, girl Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - Starring John Goodman.
- Oh that would be great! Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing!