Better With You s01e05 Episode Script

Okay, guys, they're on their way up.
Last chance to place your bets.
Boy or girl? No.
You can bet me if you want, but I know they're having a boy.
Everybody knows that girl babies steal their mothers' beauty, And Mia's looking really good lately.
How good, Ben? No! Not, like Not like "sexy" good.
Kinda, you know, like "pregnancy glow" good.
You know, I mean, I haven't, like, noticed her boobs Or anything.
"her boobs," Ben? No, no, y-you're twisting my word Mrs.
Putney, please help me out here.
Oh, I would, but I'm still wondering How much of my beauty you think was stolen by having two girls.
I hate your sweater, Mr.
Putney.
There.
I've insulted everyone.
Well, I'll take Ben's bet, Because Mia and Casey are having a girl.
You know, it would really help With your taxes if you had a baby.
Are you sure you, uh, don't have one? Pretty sure.
L right.
Why are you asking? Are you working on my taxes already? Well, now that I'm retired, It gives me time to really dig in, Get aggressive with your deductions.
I mean, who's to say what is or isn't farm machinery? Hey! Hey.
Hi.
Well it's a perfect, healthy, beautiful Baby boy.
Ohh.
Oh, yes! I win, I win, I win! Because Because we all win When a new life is brought into this world.
Oh, honey.
You're gonna be such a good mom.
Congratulations, son.
A boy! Yeah.
Wow.
So how you feelin'? Great.
Except my clothes don't fit And my boobs are a little bigger.
Yeah, Ben mentioned that.
Honey, why don't you show 'em The ultrasound picture? I'm gonna show 'em your picture now, little buddy.
Don't get embarrassed.
I drew a black dot over your private area.
Here it is! Wow.
Casey's really into being a dad.
Well, yeah, ever since he saw that photo he's been talking to my belly everywhere we go.
I'm like, what the hell? Honey.
Language.
You see that football team? They're called the giants.
Although I guess everybody is kind of a giant to you, huh? You know, I was thinking That maybe we could spend halftime in the bedroom.
Leave your shirt on.
What's going on? Just with your shirt on, It would feel less like he's watching, you know? Who, the baby? Oh, come on, honey.
Don't be crazy.
Did you just shush me? What if my little buddy is sleeping? That would be, like, The worst alarm clock in the world.
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
Your mom has gotta stop sending me crazy e-mails.
I didn't get the hotel's new operating budget Because my mailbox is full with choreographed prison dances And monkeys riding segways.
If you don't like it, do something about it.
Yeah, like it's that easy.
How come you haven't told your dad You don't want him doing your taxes anymore? Oh, I can't.
It means so much to him.
I can't take that away.
Plus, he always uses those "sign here" stickers.
I love those this! They're so convenient.
You are a grown woman.
Cut the cord.
I mean, do you really want Your dad looking at all your receipts? I'm looking over Maddie's receipts.
Have you ever heard of a place called the pleasure chest? No, of course not.
And and what in the world Is a 3-speed rabbit? Fine.
I'll tell my dad to stop doing my taxes, If you tell my mom to stop sending you e-mails.
Okay.
Deal.
Oh, and here's a tip.
Make her think it's her idea.
It's the only way to get my family to do anything.
Appeal to their ego.
I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
See, I, uh, I work at a hotel, So kind of an expert in human behavior As someone whose job it is to manage more than 32 people Just say "33.
" The best way to give bad news is just to say it, You know, be clear and direct.
There might be hurt feelings, but it's over quick, Like ripping off a band-aid.
Oh.
Sweet, simple Ben.
It's a good thing you're pretty.
The best way to get someone to do what you want Is to let them think it's their idea.
It works every time.
That wouldn't work on me.
Who had Thai food last night? We did, but that was my idea.
Was it? Uh, I love Thai food.
I was in the mood for it.
Wasn't I? Do I even like Thai food? Who am I? Okay, that was weird.
I thought it was pretty good.
Like, a solid "b.
" A "b"? Every time I said, "oh, God, yes," You said, "I'm sorry, little buddy.
" Well He's, like, right there.
I hate when people drop by without calling, And this seems way worse.
Casey.
We're supposed to be in the honeymoon period.
We're supposed to be doing it nonstop.
We're supposed to be making married couples want to go To counseling.
And we will.
But just not right now.
When? When he gets his own room At college.
What a cute place.
It's our favorite Thai place.
I love Thai food.
I have always loved Thai food.
I called my mother and confirmed it.
I hate menus with pictures.
Look, I-it's like the noodles are being he hostage.
Mom, Ben has something he wants to tell you, And it's not gonna go well.
Ben? Thank you, Maddie.
Mrs.
Putney, while I enjoy The instructive, whimsical, educational e-mails That you send me on an almost minutely basis Of course you do.
Everyone does.
I would rather not receive them anymore.
They clog up my in-box at work.
You want to be removed From "Vick's picks of urgent links"? Yes, Mrs.
Putney.
Thank you.
Okay.
Maddie, is there something you wanted to say to your father In a roundabout, overly complicated way? So, dad, Hey, I've been thinking, Now that you're retired, you should focus on you.
I'm wondering if there's anything you're doing right now That's really exhausting, really taxing That you might want to stop doing? I can't think of anything.
Uh Well, just your taxes.
Did you hear that, Ben? My dad had an interesting idea.
He wants to stop doing my taxes.
Oh, no! No, I still want to do your taxes, But I also want to invest all your money.
It was bad? Like, how bad? You know how they say sex is like pizza even when it's bad, It's still good? Yeah, that's not true.
Is he still obsessed with your belly? Oh, he's talking to it constantly.
So more than you do? I never do.
It's silly.
I mean, he can't even hear me.
Well, I talk to my belly, And there's not even a baby in there.
Who wants some chocolate? You do! You know you do! Maddie, what am I gonna do to fix this? Why don't you go somewhere you went Early on in your relationship that was fun and romantic? One night we did end up at this crazy salsa dancing place.
Oh, it was so fun.
He was all over me.
Okay.
So go there.
All right.
He'll remember how sexy you are and forget all about the baby.
Where's Ben? Ben! What? Is is everything all right? Thank God you're here.
I have to talk to you.
I have thought of a way to get you back on "Vick's picks of urgent links.
" what?! I heard what you said about your in-box getting clogged, So instead of sending you e-mails, I have printed them all out for you.
Okay, so This one is sad.
This one is funny.
And be careful of this one.
It has a virus.
What the hell is this? I think it's some kind of festival of embarrassment.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I thought this was a salsa place.
It is on Fridays.
Saturday is '80s night! All right.
All right.
It's gonna be okay.
I mean, it's not what we thought, But it could still be fun and sexy.
I love the '80s! Yeah, I did, too.
People fed me with a spoon, and I slept nine times a day.
Like my little buddy's gonna do.
Hmm? Look, can you just forget about him for one night And have fun with me? okay.
Really? Okay.
Come on.
Let's dance, baby! Ooh-ooh! Hey, old guy.
I know you lose your balance a lot And you don't always know where you are, But if you're gonna bump her, You do it up here, okay, Or down by her feet, But you stay away from my little buddy.
Don't worry, buddy.
I got your back.
Oh, hey, honey.
How was dinner with your dad and the investment guy? It wasn't an investment guy as much as it was My dad's friend Nathan, who wanted me to invest In a house on Lake George that he would live in.
Well, if you had pulled the band-aid off, Maybe that wouldn't have happened.
Ah.
No, I'm not.
This guy told her that it destroys the environment.
I am now officially off Of "Vick's picks of urgent links.
" It really kills me that last word doesn't rhyme.
New idea.
Great idea.
I will just tell you my e-mails.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh! Ben would love that, mom.
Okay.
I, uh She Sit down, honey.
Uh Okay, when you're in your car And another car flashes their headlights at you, Don't respond.
It's a gang initiation.
They'll kill you.
Years later They go back to Africa And the lion remembers them.
They hide under your car, and when you get in, They cut your Achilles, And then they take your kidney, Ben.
They will take it to Russia And sell it for a carton of cigarettes And a pair of Levi's! And then the man dances like this And then he does this And then he does this.
And then Charlie bites his finger again! Okay.
Bye, mom.
Oh.
Maddie, Maddie Before I forge Your father told me to give this to you.
He's put you on an allowance.
Oh.
Oh! Play me out, keyboard cat.
Allowance? He put me on an allowance? Your mother danced for me.
I want to go back to the e-mails.
It was it was so much easier to hit "delete.
" Ohh.
I would give anything to get back to where we started.
I'd give my whole allow $60! Delete, delete, delete! Insulting a stranger? Talking to my belly nonstop? Saying that we're not gonna have sex for 18 years? What is going on? I'm sorry.
I'm starting to feel like the third wheel In this relationship.
Well, I don't understand why you want to pretend Like he's not there.
He's our little buddy! I swear, if you say "little buddy" one more time I don't think you should get so worked up.
It's probably not good for our l look, that's it! He's clearly a bad influence on you, So ts little buddy is gonna go.
I'm sleeping here tonight.
Casey and I had a fight.
Oh.
The salsa dancing didn't go well? There was no salsa dancing.
It was '80s night.
There's nothing sexy about the '80s.
Uh, the topless volleyball scene in "top gun" begs to differ.
Also begs to differ Shower scene in "porky's.
" Don't be a pervert, Ben.
Are you okay? We were gonna run over and talk to mom and dad for a second, But we could stay if you want.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
You guys go.
I'm just gonna fall asleep on the couch.
We won't be long, and when I get home We'll complain about boys, eat cookie dough, And snicker every time Ben walks in the room.
Oh, what a fun night visiting your parents, Then getting laughed at.
Sign me up.
Hey, uh, I'm sorry you and Casey fought.
If, uh, if we owned "top gun," I'd put it in for you.
Third shelf, fourth from the left.
Volleyball scene starts Sometimes you go out of town.
Dad, mom We need to talk.
Is this about the investigation the bank is launching? Because everything is going to be fine.
What? No.
Investigation? We invested in a shredder.
The evidence is gone.
Mrs.
Putney I came over to humbly ask you If t was any way I could get back on your list.
You want back on "Vick's picks of urgent links.
" They always come back.
It's the rhyming name that hooks them, And then it's the informative videos And the lifesaving warnings that keeps 'em comin' back.
You know "Vick's picks of urgent links" doesn't rhyme, right? Oh, it's close enough.
There is no "close enough" in rhyming.
Well, that's a matter of opinion, isn't it? You know the old saying, "Po-tay-to, to-mah-to.
" I am going to my computer now.
Thank you, Mrs.
Putney, for putting me back on your list.
And I am logging on now.
Watch this.
So, dad, hey, uh I've been thinking, Your great idea of just going back to doing my taxes Was a great idea.
I don't remember saying anything like that.
It was such a great idea, I just assumed it was yours.
Well, having a great idea does sound like me.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe we shouldn't do your great idea.
Here's another one of my great ideas.
Let's do my great idea.
You're so smart, dad.
I'll go get the paperwork.
Okay.
That was unbelievable.
You just bugs bunny'ed your dad.
Do you do this to me a lot? No.
Of course not.
No, really.
Be honest with me.
Do I Do I really like jazz? You think you do, And that's all that matters.
Hi.
How's it goin'? God, what am I doing? You can't even hear me.
I never understood why women do this.
It's just You don't seem totally real to me yet, you know? You do to Casey.
That's for sure.
That's probably why I've been getting so mad at him lately.
Because He's feeling something that I'm just not feeling yet.
Everyone says that I'm gonna be such a great mom, But how do they know? I I don't even know.
Are you okay? Am I doing anything wrong? I really don't think I'm ready for this.
What was that? Either you're popping popcorn in there Or you just kicked me.
Was that your first kick, buddy? Oh, my gosh.
That was awesome.
can you do it again? Can you do it every time I ask? That would be so cool.
Do it again.
Yeah, I didn't think it worked like that.
That guy is a jerk.
No, he's not.
After you left the club, I ended up getting advice From a bunch of the old people.
Here's life with kids in a nutshell.
They tear their way out of you, And then they're mean to you for 18 years.
They wreck your house, crash your car, And scratch your cornea with a fork When you're trying to nap.
wow.
And when they turn 18, they leave And don't talk to you again until they need money.
And after they're gone, Do you know who you're left with? Your wife.
That's the person who really matters.
She's the rest of your life.
Kids They're just a temporary horror show.
I was only thinking about the good things About having kids.
I forgot all about the bad stuff.
He just kicked.
What? Yeah.
Here.
Put your hand here.
I don't feel anything.
Mae it's too early for you to feel it.
I guess it'll be our little thing For right now.
You don't really think He's gonna be a jerk, do you? I don't know.
But when I was 8, Every time my dad took a nap, I cut his hair.
Well, that doesn't sound terrible And then stole his pickup truck and drove it into the pond.
When I was 11, before my dad had a big meeting, I would sneak vodka into his orange juice.
I didn't even have a good reason, Except I just loved the way he said NASDAQ exchange.
Oh, man.
We gotta stick together And sleep in shifts.
Is it crazy that I'm lying here Relieved that my dad is doing my taxes again? I mean, I'm gonna be audited at some point, But I've kind of made peace with that.
Have you ever noticed How every April 14th I have a pickup basketball game With some guy you never heard of? He's a tax accountant, and we don't play basketball.
He does your taxes.
It costs us a fortune in rush fees, But it's worth it to keep you out of jail.
Aw.
My hero.
You know what? You deserve a reward.
You know how you've always wanted this side of the bed 'cause it's closer to the bathroom? You got it.
Really? yeah.
Well, come on.
Come on.
yeah.
Yes! Well, come on.
This is awesome.
I have always wanted this side of the bed.
Wait.
Have I always wanted This side of the bed?