Big Boys (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Lovely. Look at me. You look
gorgeous. Big smile for me.
Dad always said he'd take me to prom
in his cab cos limos are expensive
and they're always full of pricks.
Next.
I went with Jasmine.
A Sagittarian stoner Muslim who
OK, to your mama.
..knew I was gay before I did and
claimed she invented putting
smartphones in rice.
Smile at the camera.
Having felt self-conscious in gay
clubs I'd use Grindr
so that rather than walking about
chatting to men
as actual human beings
I'd just tap the app.
And up came an Argos catalogue of
gays, in stock, ready for
collection.
There was Simon, over here, from
Bristol.
Likes the music of Cher,
going to see Hairspray
and receiving Bukkake facials.
Then Brian from Staines.
Loves beer,
doesn't like feminine men
and can't wait to get our country
back.
But he also has a sloppy hole ready
for a pounding.
Then Adeyemi from Tottenham
whose phone in Gordy's was always
inundated.
GROWLING
Then there was Fraser from Swansea
who loves house music,
hates the Monarchy
but does have a Prince Albert
piercing.
However, by having all this fun
it meant I'd kind of neglected you.
PHONE VIBRATING
The best thing about dating older
blokes
is that they have much nicer flats
with chrome fittings and fridges
that hand you ice
and better quality bed linen.
Fraser, are your sheets from
The White Company?
Yeah.
Egyptian cotton?
Yeah.
And I was good at some things in the
bedroom.
However, whenever it came to 'The
Big One' I just
Jack, have you ever been fucked?
Oh, wellno.
I'm nearly 41.
I can't be taking
your virginity, lovely boy.
Come back when you've got some
experience. All right?
OK, OK, here.
All young widows must find a way of
overcoming loyalty
to remaining children
and realise they are still a sexual,
romantic being.
Well, the word I have an issue with
there is young.
Just, please! Just give Widows Speed
Dating a go, right?
Before Jack gets back on Sunday for
the whole summer
just do something for yourself.
Fine.
But if one of them old widowers is
a creep
and I end up getting murdered or
worse - mugged -
then you're to blame, Shan. Good!
Good.
Cos I've got you some naughty
outfits.
As we entered the final week of
first year, you'd gone AWOL
Vote for Yemi, LGBTQ+ society
..and Yemi had gone absolutely
power-button mad.
Where's Danny?
Oh, God. I've not seen him in any
seminars all month.
Not even the one with the French PhD
student who refuses to wear a bra.
We need to check in on him.
Yes, well, since you've started
sucking willies you've practically
ghosted him, my friend.
I haven't, I just
..I don't always know how to help.
Fair enough.
Now he's ghosted poor Leisa.
Can we focus on me, please?
Cos I will ghost both of you if we
don't get flyering.
Sorry, why do you even want to be
the LGBTQ+ society president?
Because you told me that you were
planning on dropping out of Uni.
I am.
This is my legacy back up if I don't
get headhunted in second year.
Or just stay all three years and
graduate.
Eh?
Do you know what happens to
full-term fashion graduates?
I'll tell you.
Mothercare.
Mamas and Papas. Matalan.
And what happens if you don't win?
Corinne.
My competition's Fred.
The boy who the vending machine fell
on.
Now, take these and go and flyer
down by the football field.
The bisexual lads will take one from
you.
Fine.
Thank you.
It's a lot of flyers, Yemi.
And why are you looking so glum?
Hmm?
You've been chirpy recently.
I thought you'd finally ditched the
whole, "Oh, I'm a gay. Oh, my dad is
dead," shit.
I am gay and my dad is dead.
Yes, and you will not stop going on
about it. But, I just
..I think I'm ready to do
..anal. Jesus.
But, slowly.
And with someone I trust.
Are you asking me to fuck you? No.
I was.
Look, come round mine later
and I'll sort you out.
Just need to pick up some bits and
bobs.
Oh, this is far too young for me.
It's body-con. It's timeless.
MUSIC: I Turn My Camera On
By Spoon
# I cut my fingers on the way
On the way
# The way I'm slippin' away #
No.
Right, fuck this! Fuck this whole
fucking thing. I ain't fucking
going.
I cannot do it.
OK, Peggy. Do you not like this item
because, a - it looks different to
the image online,
b - you ordered more than one
size
I don't like it, Shan, cos it's a
pile of old shit.
OK, well that's not an option for
return, so
Pegs. I know you loved my son very
much and we all miss Laurie dearly.
I miss him every hour of every day.
You are the one who gets me through.
You get everyone through.
You deserve to be happy.
To be loved.
If I were you
I'd go get some nookie.
May just do the trick, old girl.
Danny, are you in?
We've got your favourite.
All right?
Oh, is that a Tesco £3 meal deal?
Ah, and it's the holy trinity.
Southern fried chicken wrap, Walkers
Max Paprika
and a Naked blue smoothie, yes. Cos
it's
BOTH: ..£2.50 on its own,
so why wouldn't ya?
Hello, you.
Come in, come in, come in.
Right, excuse the mess, OK.
Let me get some stuff out the way.
It's a flipping pigsty, I know.
Uh, we're just seeing how you are.
Yeah, yeah.
So-so. Ha, ha.
Haven't seen much of you the past
few weeks.
Yeah, well, you know me. Man of
mystery, innit?
Well, I'm gonna try and be around a
bit more before we move out Sunday.
Shit.
What, we've gotta move out this
Sunday? Yeah.
Oh, for fuck's sake. What are we
gonna do this week?
Uh Well, I'm actually quite
nervous cos
I might finally do it up the bum
with someone tonight.
Yes! Ha, ha.
That's wicked, mate. Yes.
I tried to do anal with my
ex but she said I was too thick.
LAUGHING
Well, you never have been the
smartest, have you?
LAUGHING CONTINUES
Corinne, that's a good joke for
you.
DANNY SOBS
Danny?
Oh.
Fucking hell, sorry.
What's wrong?
OK.
You weren't so-so, you were brave
facing it.
And we knew we had to help.
Ugh, stop!
Hi, Dr Quinn
my name is Corinne Gehemuiry.
I'm here with Daniel King.
We're calling in regards to his
meds.
DOOR KNOCKING
YEMI: Come in, I'm nearly ready for
you.
Just sit and chill.
DOOR OPENS
Are you ready?
Let's go.
MUSIC: Ready For The Floor
by Hot Chip
# Do it, do it, do it,
do it, do it now
# Say it, say it, say it, say it, say
it, say it now
# Do it, do it, do it, do it,
# Do it, do it, do it now
BOTH: # Say it, say it, say it, say
it, say it, say it, say it now. #
Vote Yemi.
Right. I've spent 86 quid on you,
yeah.
For fuck's sake.
Can you put your shorts back on,
please? Yeah.
Will you stay here tonight?
Yeah, of course.
So
..you wanna lube both your bussy
and the plug itself
Please don't call it a bussy -
it sends shivers down my spine.
Pop this small one in now and walk
home wearing it.
Wearing it?
How am I supposed to physically walk
with that in my bum hole?
Look, work your way up the sizes
each night this week
popping in a different one for a
half hour or so.
Look, maybe I'm just a top.
Look.
I do this all the time, yeah.
I slide one in, I go Superdrug,
McDonalds, Post Office.
I'll be working a shift at Sainy's
and if I know I'm getting a seeing
to that night
I might pop in some anal beads.
All right.
OK. Good.
Do it, yes.
MUSIC: Ready For The Floor
by Hot Chip
# Instead of carving up the wall
# Why don't you open up, we talk?
# I am ready,
I am ready for a fall #
CLINKS
You dropped your
door knob?
DANNY: Yes, lads.
I am so awake.
I've had three coffees, two shits
and a wank.
Today is gonna be a great day.
Right, I have saved the best seminar
of the year for last.
A content analysis reviewing media
bias of the Obama administration.
DISAPPROVING GROANS
Yes, stunning.
The first non-White President of the
USA.
Oh, talking about me again, are we?
No, that's a little joke because
obviously I'm very white
but I do endeavour to use my
privilege for change.
Oh, sorry, had you started?
Evidently. You should have said
something.
This is just to remind y'all that on
Saturday, to announce the new
society president
I'll be holding my annualdrum
rolldrink the SU bar dry.
Yes.
MUMBLING: I'll be DJ'ing all the
hits from the fantastic year we
spent together
from FloRida to Wiz Khalifa.
And, also, guys don't forget that
Sunday to Monday is halls move-out.
Now, two of you journo students
still haven't told me your time of
departure.
Where are you, where are
you, where are you?
Debs and Asim. Debs and Asim.
Both dropped out during Fresher's
Week.
Oh, shit. I forgot to take them off
the halls list.
Sorry, hang on, so
..if you didn't know that Debs and
Asim dropped out
that means there's been two empty
halls rooms this whole time?
Yes. That soundsright, yes.
Unbelievable!
Kelly, you should have been in
charge of this.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Did you just call her mum?
No Yes, you did. ..yes, she did
but it's a little affectionate
nickname
because I'm sort of like everybody's
mum in a way.
Yeah, Mum. Sorry, Jules.
OK, thank you, that's quite enough,
thank you.
Sorry. You lot, notebooks out,
please.
Danny, wasn't expecting to see you.
Come and see me Friday afternoon,
please, mate.
OK, yeah. Not breaking up with me,
are ya?
Do you need to see me at all, Tim?
You wish.
A - Content analysis
By Thursday that week, I'd worked my
way up the butt plugs
and felt ready to get fucked
when
DOOR SLAMS
Who's that?
Shit, that's my boyfriend. Oh!
Twat!
He knows I have a lad around, we're
open.
Oh.
Now
LUBE SQUELCHES
..let's get you open.
It's just, sorry.
What now?
I just
..wondered if you'd wear a condom.
Babe?
Yeah.
Have we got any johnnies?
Check the drawer.
Oh, shit.
Shop shuts in 20.
Babe?
Yeah.
Do you want a Caramac?
Oh, go on, then.
MELANCHOLY MUSIC
Look, Laurie.
I don't want another bloke anywhere
near as much as I want you.
But I gotta do this tomorrow.
So, you're gonna have to forgive me
if I fall for someone.
Cos I hope you're up there giving
Princess Di one for me.
Don't mind me I'm just grabbing
me
Oh, my God, it's you.
The manageress.
Yeah. Evan.
And what have you done with my
boyfriend?
He's getting contraception.
Good. So he should.
We'd hate for you to get pregnant.
HE CHUCKLES
You're that lad that's struggling to
take it up the
I just can't.
Are you fully out yet?
No, I
..I don't care about being gay
but I just don't wanna make things
any more complicated for my mum.
And why do you think she'd care?
All I know is that she dreams of me
with a nice wife
that gives her grandkids that have
both her and dad in them.
But you're still naked in my
boyfriend's bed.
So, I think you should tell her.
Because you love her.
And cos you clearly want a cock
inside of ya.
Spray.
Mint.
Bump of ket?
I'm joking! Oh.
Right, I'm gonna stay in the car
just in case you hate it.
I've glue-gunned the portable DVD
player to the back of the headrest
so I'm just gonna watch Jumanji. OK,
good luck.
Shannon, thank you.
Oh, I love you.
Love you. Go on.
What's happening, boss man?
Why do you wanna see Big D then?
You failed first year, mate.
Your attendance has been dire.
Your hand-ins are sporadic to
non-existent.
The head of department says you
can't carry on for second year.
Oh, right, uh
Thing is I know you can do better
because when you do write it's full
of humour and kindness.
It's the kind of stuff I'm envious
of myself but you never hand any of
it fucking in.
Look, you can appeal the Uni's
decision.
And I would encourage you to do so.
Cos I don't think you've been
feeling your best.
And you deserve a chance.
OK, um
Yeah. Like, OK, what do I
need to do?
Paperwork.
Loads of really boring paperwork.
Fuck's sake.
So, I've gotta write an initial
letter saying that I'm gonna
reapply over the summer.
And then just wait.
Where are you staying this summer?
Fuck knows. I mean my nan still
hasn't given her flat back to the
council
so probs there and it beats my dad's
sofa, innit?
Oh, mate.
I'm so sorry.
Mm-hmm.
How was your shag?
Couldn't do it.
I think it's time.
I need to come out to Mum.
Come here.
MUSIC: Look At Where We Are
By Hot Chip
Nope! No, not doing that.
Right, this is what we are going to
do. You and I are going to bash
this bitch out until it's done.
Jack, please run to town and
get me a Big Mac with no gherkins
and a strawberry milkshake.
And also a four-pack of Red Bulls
because we are pulling
an all-nighter until this is
fucking done. Do you understand me?
SHOUTING: Do you understand me?
OK.
You all right? Yep, fine. Password?
Uh, OK. Right, it's old but
What's the password, Danny?
Fanny king.
I promise I'm gonna go in.
I justI just need to build up to
it.
OK? OK.
But I really didn't bring enough
popcorn for two, so
You've got six bags!
Yeah? Not enough.
How does that read?
Yeah, it's amazing.
Why do you care so much about me
staying?
Because I'd miss you.
So, my older brother
he's had a lot of problems with his
mental health.
He's been in and out of trouble.
Stopped and searched when he's done
nothing wrong.
Oh, shit, sorry. No, it's
..it's fine, but it took a lot of
work.
And the reason that I want good
grades is because I don't want my
parents to have to worry about me.
But I also knew that I had to loosen
up a bit more this year
and that's why I want you here with
me next year -
to look after me
in case I fucking shit all over
myself or
..I get sent to another gay crash.
MUSIC: Look At Where We Are
by Hot Chip
Oh, hello, hello.
So, yeah. Yep, uh-huh.
Oh, I thought you were just getting
brandy.
You've gotta have a kebab at the end
of a night out.
But we haven't had a night out.
Have we not?
Sorry I didn't go in.
It's just still a big deal for me.
I know, Auntie Pegs.
Small steps, babes.
Now, do you want garlic or chilli
sauce?
Both
Course you do. ..be amazing.
And that is why I got three of each.
That was amazing, Karen.
Oh, fuck off!
Uh, I really need a wee.
Well, you'd better go otherwise
it'll be vodka-cranberries all
summer.
Oh, you're such a feminist knowing
about cystitis.
Um, OK. I need to pack up my room.
Will you hand your appeal letter in?
Mm-hmm.
Yes? Yes, I will.
I'm gonna support you all summer
regardless what happens with the
appeal.
Thank you, Corinne.
Thank you, Danny.
Well, you know. It's all part of the
service.
Oh.
See you later. Yeah, OK.
Bye.
KELLY: Mic check.
One, two.
Mic one, two, three.
That's fine, Kelly, you don't have
to check it, we know it's
Right..
Where's Danny?
..OK, so, now looking to the
powerful of the future,
um, I'm really happy to announce
that
the winner of the presidential
election 2014
for the LGBTQ+ society is, drum
roll
..it's Adeyemi!
Oh! Oh, my God.
OK.
Wow.
I'm gonna call him. OK.
Listen. Cheers, bitch.
Come on, let's go see him.
MUSIC: The Best
by Self Esteem
No.
Fuck's sake, Danny.
And just like that,
you'd gone.
Without saying bye.
MUSIC: The Best
By Self Esteem
# I did the best that I could, babe
# I did the best that I could, babe
# I did the best that I could, babe
# I did the best that I could,
babe #