Big Mouth (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Girls Are Horny Too
1 [BARBARA.]
I'm worried about Alex Trebek.
He looks too skinny.
[MARTY.]
Barbara, shush! You made me miss the question.
[BARBARA.]
Jeopardy! doesn't give questions, Marty, they give answers.
[MARTY.]
All right, who is "you know what the hell I meant"? [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Thank you, sir.
- You are welcome, sir.
Oh, a virgin sock? Ooh-la-la.
Yes, the elastic on it stretched, so - It's not a foot sock anymore.
- Indeed.
- I have the scriptures, Rabbi Glouberman.
- Thank you.
Printing out a picture of your dad's associate Susan was a stroke of genius.
- Who knew a kid could just join Linkedln? - Not I.
Now pull your pud.
First I must shield the eyes of the innocent.
You're a decent man.
Yeah, get that special sauce.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
It begins.
[MONSTER.]
There we go.
Visualize, focus.
- [GASPS.]
- [MONSTER.]
Interesting.
Yes! - Yes - [GROANS.]
Well, how about that? Plump tomato did it this time.
- Yes.
- You ever actually fuck a tomato? - It's like fucking a sneeze.
- You find a sneeze sexual? - Ooh, I find everything sexual.
- What about a chair? - Sit on it, brother.
- An airplane? Big dick flying through the sky.
What about a button-down shirt? You mean a gaping butthole and ten clits? What? Ugh.
This thing's like an Ace bandage.
It looks like I sprained my tits.
Guinea piglet, what are you doing with that bra? - It's the only one I have.
- Get rid! Do you ever have anything positive to say? - Ex-squash me? - It's just you're such a bummer.
All you do is make me sore and hairy and bloated and, like, want to cry all the time.
- Well, fuck you! - Fuck you too! Honey, let's not do this to each other, all right? We can have fun.
I can make you feel good.
When have you ever made me feel good? Don't you remember the Jacuzzi jets? - You were there? - I've always been there.
Like when your mother showed you Dirty Dancin'.
Oh, his hips, they could do some things.
Dirty things, and you liked it.
Yeah.
It was like a feeling in my stomach, but deep down.
That's just the beginning.
There's a whole world of feelings down there.
Now, come here, baby.
Let's do the lift.
- Really? - Really.
We are gonna have the time of our lives.
How is writing a book report a skill I'm ever gonna use in real life? When I'm an NBA point guard, it's not like I'll write a report about how well I dunked.
I'm doing mine on the current issue of Abraca-Daily.
But Ms.
Razz said that it had to be on a work of historical fiction.
Ms.
Razz can suck my historical dick-tion.
[LAUGHS.]
Nailed it.
I already read this.
Why would I read something else? I don't mind reading so much.
My book's pretty cool.
Ask me about it.
"What's it about, Andrew?" It's about an astronomer in the Middle Ages who discovers another planet, and the church is mad.
- So he has to go to the Vatican - Ooh, the Vatican? - Does he kill hookers? - No, but he does perjure himself.
[GASPS.]
Oh, boy-oy-oy-oy - Uh, you okay over there, Missy? - This book is [STAMMERS.]
Really good! It's called The Rock of Gibraltar.
It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction.
You should read it, for Gustavo alone.
[GUITAR STRUMS.]
What's the book about? Ooh! Well the book takes place during the Moorish rule in Spain, so there's this knight, Gustavo of Sevilla, who falls in love with a Moorish princess, Fatima - Well, it sounds - Gustavo's Catholic and she's Islamic, and their love is forbidden.
[GROANS.]
But then Gustavo needs to see her because he loves her so much.
- Yeah, no, I'm gonna get - He contacts the gypsy sorceror El Colon, who gives Gustavo the ability to turn into a horse - I got it.
- just so he can visit Fatima, she meets him in the stables and she rides him and he loves her so much but they can never truly be together - because of their time - You really read the book.
When Gustavo and Fatima are together I feel like I'm sitting on a fountain - and there's fireworks in my stomach - Okay, okay! - Read that book.
- Yeah, I think I should.
We're lucky men, Marty.
To our magnificent boys Nicky and Andrew, what great friends they found in each other.
And to our wives, our beautiful, surprising, sensual wives.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cheers! [BOTH GROANING.]
How many times is he gonna walk by and not bring me more bread? - We still have some.
- What are you, on his side? - Marty, I'm not on the waiter's side.
- He's not a waiter! He's a busboy.
What are you promoting him for? Oh, this looks good.
I think Elliot's waiting because his wife's food hasn't arrived yet.
Elliot could do what he wants.
But I'm not letting my scallops get ice-cold.
Oh, well, God forbid.
Cold scallops is how I got food poisoning in West Palm, remember? - I remember.
- Then in Atlantic City, twice in Cape Cod - and then again in Atlantic City - I remember.
You shit the bed.
I'm referring to that! Maybe you should stop eating scallops, Marty.
And let the scallops win? Ha! They'd love that.
So, I know you weren't interested in book club, but we read the most amazing book this month.
It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction.
Oh, I'm not a history buff.
No, listen, you will like this.
It's a love story between Fatima and Gustavo.
[GUITAR STRUMS.]
Trust me, it's very compelling.
You're winking.
It is it not compelling? It's a sexy book, Barbara.
Just take the sexy book.
- You'll like it.
- All right.
"The Rock of Gibraltar"? Did Diane tell you we read it together? We like to incorporate reading into our intimate time.
Once all we had handy was a copy of If I Did It by OJ Simpson.
- Oh, God.
- And we definitely did it that night.
Made love, not murdered our estranged spouse.
- And let's not forget Ron Goldman.
- Ron Goldman.
Speaking of waiters, where the hell is that guy? Oh, these scallops.
Where's the men's room? - And we need more bread! - Ugh.
[BELL RINGING.]
[JESSI.]
Fatima knew if her father caught her running down to the stables at this hour he would forbid her from studying at la universidad.
But was it her fault that she craved a ride? Fatima, come to me.
I am hungry for your touch and for warm spiced oats.
Wait, did you guys read through lunch? Wow.
Uh, yes, we did.
You must really like that book.
Right now Fatima is trying to track Gustavo's movements by following the stars, so she creates a rudimentary astronomy lab.
Oh, my God, have you read Doubting Andreas? He too creates a rudimentary astronomy lab.
Have you ever looked up at the stars and thought, "The world is so big"? - "And I'm so small"? - And yet so loud.
This is the library.
Please go away, I am reading.
Jesus.
Okay.
[JAY.]
Let's go see if that science teacher is still crying.
[JESSI.]
Fatima looked down at her intricately laced bodice, her sensual, ripe breasts bursting from [SIGHS.]
See what I mean? That brassiere is U-G-L-Y.
- It ain't got no alibi.
It's - Dog shit, I know.
Really? The Rock of Gibraltar.
Why is every girl I know obsessed with this? Well, there is this incredible romance between Fatima and Gustavo.
So, what, do they kiss privates or what's the deal? - Kiss privates? - You know what I mean.
Do they have sex? No, Nicky, they can't.
That's the point.
- That's where the tension comes from.
- Of course, the tension.
You have no idea why girls read this book, do you? - Yeah, I do.
- Because it turns them on.
- [STAMMERS.]
What was that now? - Newsflash: girls get horny too.
- Don't tell me you didn't know that.
- Of course I did.
Girls are just as horny as boys.
We just don't talk about it constantly.
Hmm.
Hey, Lia, I just remembered I have a book report to write.
Um - Can I borrow Rock of Gibraltar? - Fine.
I don't know what you're up to, you little perv, but I like the journey you're on.
I still don't see what the rush is, honey.
You've already got a perfectly nice bra.
You tell Shannon you do not want nice.
You want two scoops of Haagen-Dazs French vanilla boobies.
Mom, I want something voluptuous.
A woman's bosom should resemble the wild, sweet oranges of Valencia which yearn to be plucked.
Oh, honey, buying a fancy bra won't make you look like these models.
They all have their ribs removed and their buttholes bleached.
I get it.
I just want a grownup bra, okay? This one! This is the one.
Tell Shannon you'll kill yourself if you don't get it.
How about this one? I don't know, Jessi.
Is this bra really you? Yes! Of course it's you! - It's always been you! - Shh, shh.
I got this.
Was it not you, Mom, who insisted from an early age that I quote, "embrace my power," end quote, as a female? Yes, but this red bra.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, this is a power that you can't handle yet.
Are you trying to make me afraid of my own sexuality? - [GASPS.]
No, Jessi - Are you slut-shaming me? I would never slut-shame you.
Are you the patriarchy? Oh, my God, of course not.
Go in for the kill.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote, and I think this red bra scares both of us.
[SIGHS.]
- [BOTH SHOUTING.]
- Oh, my God, we did it! - We got a bra, oh, my God! - [LAUGHS.]
You think you're excited.
I just found out Dippin' Dots isn't fluorescent guinea pig doodies.
- It's ice cream.
- But you were eating it anyway? Yeah.
Couldn't figure out why these doodies were so delicious, so.
What are you, bra shopping or what? Shark Tank is making me nuts.
I know that rotten kid stole my idea for the illuminated toilet seat.
- I'm reading.
- I never put it on paper, I never said it out loud, but somehow he crawled into my brain and he stole my intellectual property.
[GROANS.]
Fatima, I need you.
My love, if my father sees you he will have you killed.
After tonight, we need never fear again.
I have spoken to El Colon.
Tomorrow, I become horse.
But the transformation, it will be painful, yes? Hush now, my love.
We will face tomorrow when it comes.
Tonight we dance.
I want to hold you close, Barbara.
- Oh, but we shouldn't.
- But we must.
Hey, did you put my toilet seat idea on Facebook or did you mention it to one of your friends? Perhaps I should leave you two alone.
No.
Gustavo, please.
Barbara, I must go, because I don't like him.
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
You know what I'm gonna do? Get a lawyer and sue that kid.
- Do you mind? I'm reading.
- Fine! I'm going to sleep.
Oh.
Oh, God.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
I can't believe I ate those scallops again.
- [FARTS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, Marty! Listen, while you're up, there's a thing of Rolaids in my dress shoes.
[BELL RINGING.]
Okay, show-off.
What are you, Mr.
Library now? President of Books, Comptroller of - Jay, you're out of steam.
- Shut up, I got this.
- Books.
Fuck! - Guys, I think I'm onto something.
There's a reason all the girls are reading this book.
- Lia told me.
It turns them on.
- [BOTH.]
Huh? Get this: girls are horny too.
- Just as horny as guys, supposedly.
- [ANDREW CHUCKLES.]
- No, no, that's impossible.
- What's impossible? According to Nick, girls are horny too.
What the ? There's no way girls are as horny as I am.
That's true.
Jay fucks his pillow.
I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil.
- See? They can't be like Jay.
- To completion.
- The boy is a deviant.
- I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse.
All I know is Lia says girls get horny.
So you're telling me Devon gets horny? - Yeah.
- Yes! - What about Principal Baron? - Apparently, they all do.
- All of them! - But not - Missy? - Andrew, she's reading that book and evidently, that's one of their triggers.
My God, you're right.
Missy gets horny.
I'm telling you, they all do.
This book makes them horny? It's just porn, then, right? They're walking around school reading porn! - Actually, no.
- Jesus, this is no fair! Girls walking around school reading porn, and I make one drawing of 23 teachers having consensual sex, and I'm the creep.
Yeah, I wasn't included in the drawing, but that's okay.
It was just the academic teachers is how he did the cutoff there, so [CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what, this is gonna be on The Office or Modern Family or what? Boy, these straight to camera testimonials are great for narrative structure.
They're a crutch, but they cut right to the chase.
They really help with story.
Not in this case.
This is a, you know, a departure, but they'll find their way back.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [GROANS.]
- Look at me.
Look at me.
- Okay.
- You are Fatima.
- You are sexy.
- Really? I don't know.
- You do know.
- What do I know? How to dance! [PLAYS UPBEAT MUSIC.]
You throw open the door To adventures like you've never known Holy shit, is that Jessi? You'll feel your confidence, courage And cup size magically grow [DISTORTED.]
Whoa! It will make mountains of your hills And grant you a life of endless thrills [DISTORTED.]
Whoa! And set passions aflame Down the depths of your womanly soul Own it, bitch.
- Sexy red bra - Hi, Jessi.
- Sexy red bra - Hi, red bra.
- Jesus, Andrew.
- It'll transform you Into an object of envy and awe So trashy.
Please, Jessi, I have $28.
I want to give it to you.
Well, bonjour to the lovely Ms.
Glaser.
- Sexy red bra - Who do you think you are, one of the Kardashians? [GRUMBLES.]
It will lift up your life, my dear But beware of the fall Ow! [SOBBING.]
[MONSTRESS SOBBING.]
What the hell? Why are you crying? Because it's all so overwhelming.
My mom was right.
- Don't you ever say that again.
- What? She said I wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready for all those eyes on me.
- But you liked some of them.
- I know! But what about Mr.
Lizer and Jay and Lola.
- I want to throw this thing away.
- Yes, drown the bra.
Kill it! Or maybe I could just put it in my backpack.
Yeah, keep it.
I still love it, too.
So, we know girls read the book because it makes them horny.
And we know Jessi is reading the book, ergo Jessi is horny and she's wearing a red bra, which means she wants us to know she's horny.
- Or she just likes the bra.
- The bra isn't a bra.
- It's a signal.
- Okay, let's say it is a signal.
- What do we even do with that? - I don't see what we can do with that.
We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs.
She'll be grateful.
I know if I was walking around with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right? You're a little fuckin' freak, I like hanging out with you.
Mi amor, you look fantástica.
- Oh! - MartÃn is a muy lucky man.
Muchas gracias.
- And it's Marty.
- Go to him.
Go to Marty? Good Christ, are you eating scallops again? They're leftovers! Why are you so dressed up? I thought maybe we could - What? - You know Oh! Oh.
Oh, all right.
Let me go sit on the toilet for a minute, clear the pipes.
- You know, the scallops.
- [GROANS.]
- Forget it! - What's the matter? You know what the matter is? You are not Gustavo.
The horse? You're mad 'cause I'm not a horse.
I'm not mad you're not a horse, I'm mad that you don't love me as much as you love the GD scallops.
What? That's crazy.
I love you both, in different ways.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
Ooh, speaking of which Oh, Marty.
This scallop man, he does not know how to treat a woman.
- I know.
- [RUMBLING FROM BATHROOM.]
¡Dios mÃo! Even when I was a horse I did not make noises or smells of this nature.
[BELL RINGING.]
Hey.
Just wanted to let you know, I read you loud and clear.
- Excuse me? - Signal received.
- I sent no signal.
- Yeah, wink-wink.
I get it.
Uh-oh, Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.
But if he's right it changes everything.
Like when a baboon is in heat and presents its red bum-bum so the other baboons know it's time to monkey around.
What the fuck are you talking about? Hello! The red bra, the book.
I know how horny you are.
And as your friend, I want to help you out by touching your boob [GRUNTS.]
[GROANING, GRUNTS.]
And now you're choking me.
And I'm wondering if maybe that's not what you wanted me to do.
No, that's not what I wanted you to do.
I just thought, when I get horny, I want somebody You have no idea what I want, you fucknut shitbag! - Huh, I guess the bra wasn't a signal.
- And Jessi is very strong.
Hi Andrew, if you're finished with Doubting Andreas, I thought you might like to borrow my copy of The Rock of Gibraltar.
- You think I would like it? - Oh, yeah.
There's telescopes and compasses and Islamic art, basically everything you want in an interesting book.
- And of course there's Gustavo.
- [GUITAR STRUMS.]
[MUTTERS.]
Anyway, it's definitely worth a read.
There's something for everyone in there, I think.
Whew! I gotta get to jazz club.
- Was that a signal? - I don't know.
I'm very confused.
Whoo! Did you guys see Jessi choking me out over there? Yeah.
She gets pretty angry when she's horny.
- Lia.
- Hey, Nicky.
I had some questions RE: The Rock of Gibraltar.
Are you up to the part where she grooms him with sweet almond oil? Yeah, actually, re: almond oil, girls don't want to have sex with horses.
That's not what this book is about, right? Of course not! The horse part isn't what's sexy.
It's the fact that they can't have sex that's so hot.
This is where you lose me.
What's so hot about not having sex? See, you're thinking like a guy.
Women are different.
- Sometimes we think sex itself is sexy.
- Great news.
But other times we imagine a faceless dude walking around with a baby in a Baby Bjorn, and that's sexy.
- So babies and no faces are sexy? - No, you tiny dum-dum.
It's a lot of different things.
Sometimes we think a smell is sexy, - or sushi or Dr.
Drew Pinsky.
- What? Or like a million other incomprehensible things, you know what I mean? So The Rock of Gibraltar, it's about sex because it's about everything around sex.
- See what I'm saying? - Look at that.
Our inquisitive son, our wise daughter, working together to solve the mysteries of human desire.
I know, sweetheart.
I credit you.
No, no, no, I credit you.
No, no, I credit you.
I wanna credit you all night long.
- Why don't we go and affirm each other? - I'm already affirmed right now.
Oh, you devil dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
Some might say it's weird they're getting turned on by their children talking about what's sexy.
But I'm not here to judge.
I'm just here to watch.
[LAUGHS.]
Jay is so gross.
He doesn't know what I want.
Yeah! He doesn't.
Jessi, what do you want? I don't know.
I know I like this, and I thought I was gonna like this.
You did like that.
Yeah, but everyone's reaction to it made me feel so weird.
Who cares about everyone else? Maybe it's time to get to know yourself.
Oh, you mean take a look in it? Yeah, take a gander.
It's yours, isn't it? Uh, okay, sure.
Can I get some privacy? Of course, pecorino.
If you need me I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr.
Drew Pinsky.
He looks like a sexy turtle.
[SIGHS.]
Here goes something.
- Um hello? - Hey, girl, hey! Oh, my God, I have been dying to meet you.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Jessi.
Well, I'm your genitals.
- [LAUGHS.]
What's up? - I was wondering when you'd [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I'm sorry, you go first.
- Wait! - Jinx! - We just talked at the same time.
- We're having fun.
- This is fun.
I have to say, you are not what I was expecting.
- Do you want the grand tour? - Uh, yes, please.
Great.
Okay.
Well, up top, la-la-la-la, this is the clitoris.
It is where the party happens.
What do you mean by "party"? Oh, gosh.
Have you ever been electrocuted, but in a good way? - No.
- Okay.
It's a very important spot.
This is the urethra.
That's where the pee comes out.
Oh.
I didn't know there was a second hole.
There's three, if you count your anus.
- I don't think I do.
- Me neither.
She's an asshole.
[RIM SHOT.]
- That's a joke.
- Oh, okay.
She's a lovely lady, and a drummer.
What else? Labia majora.
- The labia minora.
- Oh, hi.
And this part here is the actual vagina.
[POPS.]
Oh.
Weird.
Sorry, I assumed the vagina was like, the whole thing.
A lot of people do that.
It's like how people call all sparkling wine champagne, but technically champagne is from one specific region in France.
[LAUGHS.]
It's like, "Shut up, nerd, we're just trying to get drunk!" [BOTH LAUGH.]
- You know, you're not scary.
- Boo! - Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
Of course I'm not scary.
I'm you, and I'm very fun.
Wink-wink.
You know what I mean? Um, I mean, yeah, I guess I think I know what you mean.
- Oh, you know what I mean.
- I have some sense of what you mean.
- I'm telling you to masturbate.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna go now.
- No.
What? Stay forever.
- I wish I could.
Aww.
Don't be a stranger.
- Neigh! - Marty, what the ? I'm Gustavo the horse.
- Why? - I'm trying to romance you.
Oh, of course you are.
Look at you, you're Gustavo the horse.
For the record, Marty, Gustavo wasn't a man who dressed like a horse.
Just get over here, all right? I threw away the scallops.
Oh, you did? You threw 'em away, huh? - [KISSING.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, girls get horny.
- And your mom's a girl.
- So my mom gets horny too.
- [MARTY.]
Neigh.
- Jesus Christ, look at the size of your dad's balls.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Okay, and for our final book report, Nick Birch will be talking to us about Oh, The Rock of Gibraltar.
- Nick.
- Ms.
Razz, bored students, The Rock of Gibraltar is a brilliantly told work of historical fiction.
The story is beautiful and filled with passion, but it's about so much more than just sex.
In a way, it's about everything around sex.
- Does that make sense? - It totally makes sense.
See, Gustavo takes care of Fatima without ever robbing her of her power.
Mm-hm! Now, I'd like to perform a dramatic reading of the speech Gustavo gives to Fatima on the shores of Playa ParaÃso.
That is, of course, if it's all right with the class.
Do it now! Do the speech now! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Fatima, I worship you.
I worship your brain for all the brilliance it holds.
I worship your beauty, for it intoxicates me and drives me passionately to you.
Señorita.
Ooh! [DUKE LAUGHS.]
I worship your uncompromising free spirit.
Know that I will never tame you, unless that is what you wish.
This one's slippery, be careful.
Know that I could never uncover all of your mysteries, even if I spent a lifetime trying.
Mm-hm.
There you go.
That's it, baby.
- Oh.
Hello.
- [GENITALS.]
Hey, girl, what's up? But if you know nothing else, Fatima, know this: I want you.
I want you forevermore.
I want you.
Okay, thanks, that's it.
Thank you, Gustavo Nick.
Thank you, Nick.
Gracias.
- El libro, señor.
- Thank you, sir.
[GROANS.]
- Missy, huh? - I guess so.
I'm surprised your dad's big ol' balls didn't show up.
I hate you.
Seriously, I was like, "Why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" And then I was like, "Oh, those are his balls.
" I can't get 'em out of my mind.
It's like, is he seeing a doctor because there could be something wrong.
It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair.
It's smooth.
That's the weight, right, pulling down the skin? I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls.
He's probably got to drape 'em outside the toilet.
Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat.
I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank and made millions.
I feel like I should tell your dad, but I'm scared he'll hit me in the head with that big pillowcase of watermelons.
Ah, the boy is asleep.
What a kid.
What a set of nuts.
Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to.
And here's the thing with balls
I'm worried about Alex Trebek.
He looks too skinny.
[MARTY.]
Barbara, shush! You made me miss the question.
[BARBARA.]
Jeopardy! doesn't give questions, Marty, they give answers.
[MARTY.]
All right, who is "you know what the hell I meant"? [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Thank you, sir.
- You are welcome, sir.
Oh, a virgin sock? Ooh-la-la.
Yes, the elastic on it stretched, so - It's not a foot sock anymore.
- Indeed.
- I have the scriptures, Rabbi Glouberman.
- Thank you.
Printing out a picture of your dad's associate Susan was a stroke of genius.
- Who knew a kid could just join Linkedln? - Not I.
Now pull your pud.
First I must shield the eyes of the innocent.
You're a decent man.
Yeah, get that special sauce.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
It begins.
[MONSTER.]
There we go.
Visualize, focus.
- [GASPS.]
- [MONSTER.]
Interesting.
Yes! - Yes - [GROANS.]
Well, how about that? Plump tomato did it this time.
- Yes.
- You ever actually fuck a tomato? - It's like fucking a sneeze.
- You find a sneeze sexual? - Ooh, I find everything sexual.
- What about a chair? - Sit on it, brother.
- An airplane? Big dick flying through the sky.
What about a button-down shirt? You mean a gaping butthole and ten clits? What? Ugh.
This thing's like an Ace bandage.
It looks like I sprained my tits.
Guinea piglet, what are you doing with that bra? - It's the only one I have.
- Get rid! Do you ever have anything positive to say? - Ex-squash me? - It's just you're such a bummer.
All you do is make me sore and hairy and bloated and, like, want to cry all the time.
- Well, fuck you! - Fuck you too! Honey, let's not do this to each other, all right? We can have fun.
I can make you feel good.
When have you ever made me feel good? Don't you remember the Jacuzzi jets? - You were there? - I've always been there.
Like when your mother showed you Dirty Dancin'.
Oh, his hips, they could do some things.
Dirty things, and you liked it.
Yeah.
It was like a feeling in my stomach, but deep down.
That's just the beginning.
There's a whole world of feelings down there.
Now, come here, baby.
Let's do the lift.
- Really? - Really.
We are gonna have the time of our lives.
How is writing a book report a skill I'm ever gonna use in real life? When I'm an NBA point guard, it's not like I'll write a report about how well I dunked.
I'm doing mine on the current issue of Abraca-Daily.
But Ms.
Razz said that it had to be on a work of historical fiction.
Ms.
Razz can suck my historical dick-tion.
[LAUGHS.]
Nailed it.
I already read this.
Why would I read something else? I don't mind reading so much.
My book's pretty cool.
Ask me about it.
"What's it about, Andrew?" It's about an astronomer in the Middle Ages who discovers another planet, and the church is mad.
- So he has to go to the Vatican - Ooh, the Vatican? - Does he kill hookers? - No, but he does perjure himself.
[GASPS.]
Oh, boy-oy-oy-oy - Uh, you okay over there, Missy? - This book is [STAMMERS.]
Really good! It's called The Rock of Gibraltar.
It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction.
You should read it, for Gustavo alone.
[GUITAR STRUMS.]
What's the book about? Ooh! Well the book takes place during the Moorish rule in Spain, so there's this knight, Gustavo of Sevilla, who falls in love with a Moorish princess, Fatima - Well, it sounds - Gustavo's Catholic and she's Islamic, and their love is forbidden.
[GROANS.]
But then Gustavo needs to see her because he loves her so much.
- Yeah, no, I'm gonna get - He contacts the gypsy sorceror El Colon, who gives Gustavo the ability to turn into a horse - I got it.
- just so he can visit Fatima, she meets him in the stables and she rides him and he loves her so much but they can never truly be together - because of their time - You really read the book.
When Gustavo and Fatima are together I feel like I'm sitting on a fountain - and there's fireworks in my stomach - Okay, okay! - Read that book.
- Yeah, I think I should.
We're lucky men, Marty.
To our magnificent boys Nicky and Andrew, what great friends they found in each other.
And to our wives, our beautiful, surprising, sensual wives.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cheers! [BOTH GROANING.]
How many times is he gonna walk by and not bring me more bread? - We still have some.
- What are you, on his side? - Marty, I'm not on the waiter's side.
- He's not a waiter! He's a busboy.
What are you promoting him for? Oh, this looks good.
I think Elliot's waiting because his wife's food hasn't arrived yet.
Elliot could do what he wants.
But I'm not letting my scallops get ice-cold.
Oh, well, God forbid.
Cold scallops is how I got food poisoning in West Palm, remember? - I remember.
- Then in Atlantic City, twice in Cape Cod - and then again in Atlantic City - I remember.
You shit the bed.
I'm referring to that! Maybe you should stop eating scallops, Marty.
And let the scallops win? Ha! They'd love that.
So, I know you weren't interested in book club, but we read the most amazing book this month.
It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction.
Oh, I'm not a history buff.
No, listen, you will like this.
It's a love story between Fatima and Gustavo.
[GUITAR STRUMS.]
Trust me, it's very compelling.
You're winking.
It is it not compelling? It's a sexy book, Barbara.
Just take the sexy book.
- You'll like it.
- All right.
"The Rock of Gibraltar"? Did Diane tell you we read it together? We like to incorporate reading into our intimate time.
Once all we had handy was a copy of If I Did It by OJ Simpson.
- Oh, God.
- And we definitely did it that night.
Made love, not murdered our estranged spouse.
- And let's not forget Ron Goldman.
- Ron Goldman.
Speaking of waiters, where the hell is that guy? Oh, these scallops.
Where's the men's room? - And we need more bread! - Ugh.
[BELL RINGING.]
[JESSI.]
Fatima knew if her father caught her running down to the stables at this hour he would forbid her from studying at la universidad.
But was it her fault that she craved a ride? Fatima, come to me.
I am hungry for your touch and for warm spiced oats.
Wait, did you guys read through lunch? Wow.
Uh, yes, we did.
You must really like that book.
Right now Fatima is trying to track Gustavo's movements by following the stars, so she creates a rudimentary astronomy lab.
Oh, my God, have you read Doubting Andreas? He too creates a rudimentary astronomy lab.
Have you ever looked up at the stars and thought, "The world is so big"? - "And I'm so small"? - And yet so loud.
This is the library.
Please go away, I am reading.
Jesus.
Okay.
[JAY.]
Let's go see if that science teacher is still crying.
[JESSI.]
Fatima looked down at her intricately laced bodice, her sensual, ripe breasts bursting from [SIGHS.]
See what I mean? That brassiere is U-G-L-Y.
- It ain't got no alibi.
It's - Dog shit, I know.
Really? The Rock of Gibraltar.
Why is every girl I know obsessed with this? Well, there is this incredible romance between Fatima and Gustavo.
So, what, do they kiss privates or what's the deal? - Kiss privates? - You know what I mean.
Do they have sex? No, Nicky, they can't.
That's the point.
- That's where the tension comes from.
- Of course, the tension.
You have no idea why girls read this book, do you? - Yeah, I do.
- Because it turns them on.
- [STAMMERS.]
What was that now? - Newsflash: girls get horny too.
- Don't tell me you didn't know that.
- Of course I did.
Girls are just as horny as boys.
We just don't talk about it constantly.
Hmm.
Hey, Lia, I just remembered I have a book report to write.
Um - Can I borrow Rock of Gibraltar? - Fine.
I don't know what you're up to, you little perv, but I like the journey you're on.
I still don't see what the rush is, honey.
You've already got a perfectly nice bra.
You tell Shannon you do not want nice.
You want two scoops of Haagen-Dazs French vanilla boobies.
Mom, I want something voluptuous.
A woman's bosom should resemble the wild, sweet oranges of Valencia which yearn to be plucked.
Oh, honey, buying a fancy bra won't make you look like these models.
They all have their ribs removed and their buttholes bleached.
I get it.
I just want a grownup bra, okay? This one! This is the one.
Tell Shannon you'll kill yourself if you don't get it.
How about this one? I don't know, Jessi.
Is this bra really you? Yes! Of course it's you! - It's always been you! - Shh, shh.
I got this.
Was it not you, Mom, who insisted from an early age that I quote, "embrace my power," end quote, as a female? Yes, but this red bra.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, this is a power that you can't handle yet.
Are you trying to make me afraid of my own sexuality? - [GASPS.]
No, Jessi - Are you slut-shaming me? I would never slut-shame you.
Are you the patriarchy? Oh, my God, of course not.
Go in for the kill.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote, and I think this red bra scares both of us.
[SIGHS.]
- [BOTH SHOUTING.]
- Oh, my God, we did it! - We got a bra, oh, my God! - [LAUGHS.]
You think you're excited.
I just found out Dippin' Dots isn't fluorescent guinea pig doodies.
- It's ice cream.
- But you were eating it anyway? Yeah.
Couldn't figure out why these doodies were so delicious, so.
What are you, bra shopping or what? Shark Tank is making me nuts.
I know that rotten kid stole my idea for the illuminated toilet seat.
- I'm reading.
- I never put it on paper, I never said it out loud, but somehow he crawled into my brain and he stole my intellectual property.
[GROANS.]
Fatima, I need you.
My love, if my father sees you he will have you killed.
After tonight, we need never fear again.
I have spoken to El Colon.
Tomorrow, I become horse.
But the transformation, it will be painful, yes? Hush now, my love.
We will face tomorrow when it comes.
Tonight we dance.
I want to hold you close, Barbara.
- Oh, but we shouldn't.
- But we must.
Hey, did you put my toilet seat idea on Facebook or did you mention it to one of your friends? Perhaps I should leave you two alone.
No.
Gustavo, please.
Barbara, I must go, because I don't like him.
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
You know what I'm gonna do? Get a lawyer and sue that kid.
- Do you mind? I'm reading.
- Fine! I'm going to sleep.
Oh.
Oh, God.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
I can't believe I ate those scallops again.
- [FARTS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, Marty! Listen, while you're up, there's a thing of Rolaids in my dress shoes.
[BELL RINGING.]
Okay, show-off.
What are you, Mr.
Library now? President of Books, Comptroller of - Jay, you're out of steam.
- Shut up, I got this.
- Books.
Fuck! - Guys, I think I'm onto something.
There's a reason all the girls are reading this book.
- Lia told me.
It turns them on.
- [BOTH.]
Huh? Get this: girls are horny too.
- Just as horny as guys, supposedly.
- [ANDREW CHUCKLES.]
- No, no, that's impossible.
- What's impossible? According to Nick, girls are horny too.
What the ? There's no way girls are as horny as I am.
That's true.
Jay fucks his pillow.
I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil.
- See? They can't be like Jay.
- To completion.
- The boy is a deviant.
- I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse.
All I know is Lia says girls get horny.
So you're telling me Devon gets horny? - Yeah.
- Yes! - What about Principal Baron? - Apparently, they all do.
- All of them! - But not - Missy? - Andrew, she's reading that book and evidently, that's one of their triggers.
My God, you're right.
Missy gets horny.
I'm telling you, they all do.
This book makes them horny? It's just porn, then, right? They're walking around school reading porn! - Actually, no.
- Jesus, this is no fair! Girls walking around school reading porn, and I make one drawing of 23 teachers having consensual sex, and I'm the creep.
Yeah, I wasn't included in the drawing, but that's okay.
It was just the academic teachers is how he did the cutoff there, so [CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what, this is gonna be on The Office or Modern Family or what? Boy, these straight to camera testimonials are great for narrative structure.
They're a crutch, but they cut right to the chase.
They really help with story.
Not in this case.
This is a, you know, a departure, but they'll find their way back.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [GROANS.]
- Look at me.
Look at me.
- Okay.
- You are Fatima.
- You are sexy.
- Really? I don't know.
- You do know.
- What do I know? How to dance! [PLAYS UPBEAT MUSIC.]
You throw open the door To adventures like you've never known Holy shit, is that Jessi? You'll feel your confidence, courage And cup size magically grow [DISTORTED.]
Whoa! It will make mountains of your hills And grant you a life of endless thrills [DISTORTED.]
Whoa! And set passions aflame Down the depths of your womanly soul Own it, bitch.
- Sexy red bra - Hi, Jessi.
- Sexy red bra - Hi, red bra.
- Jesus, Andrew.
- It'll transform you Into an object of envy and awe So trashy.
Please, Jessi, I have $28.
I want to give it to you.
Well, bonjour to the lovely Ms.
Glaser.
- Sexy red bra - Who do you think you are, one of the Kardashians? [GRUMBLES.]
It will lift up your life, my dear But beware of the fall Ow! [SOBBING.]
[MONSTRESS SOBBING.]
What the hell? Why are you crying? Because it's all so overwhelming.
My mom was right.
- Don't you ever say that again.
- What? She said I wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready for all those eyes on me.
- But you liked some of them.
- I know! But what about Mr.
Lizer and Jay and Lola.
- I want to throw this thing away.
- Yes, drown the bra.
Kill it! Or maybe I could just put it in my backpack.
Yeah, keep it.
I still love it, too.
So, we know girls read the book because it makes them horny.
And we know Jessi is reading the book, ergo Jessi is horny and she's wearing a red bra, which means she wants us to know she's horny.
- Or she just likes the bra.
- The bra isn't a bra.
- It's a signal.
- Okay, let's say it is a signal.
- What do we even do with that? - I don't see what we can do with that.
We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs.
She'll be grateful.
I know if I was walking around with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right? You're a little fuckin' freak, I like hanging out with you.
Mi amor, you look fantástica.
- Oh! - MartÃn is a muy lucky man.
Muchas gracias.
- And it's Marty.
- Go to him.
Go to Marty? Good Christ, are you eating scallops again? They're leftovers! Why are you so dressed up? I thought maybe we could - What? - You know Oh! Oh.
Oh, all right.
Let me go sit on the toilet for a minute, clear the pipes.
- You know, the scallops.
- [GROANS.]
- Forget it! - What's the matter? You know what the matter is? You are not Gustavo.
The horse? You're mad 'cause I'm not a horse.
I'm not mad you're not a horse, I'm mad that you don't love me as much as you love the GD scallops.
What? That's crazy.
I love you both, in different ways.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
Ooh, speaking of which Oh, Marty.
This scallop man, he does not know how to treat a woman.
- I know.
- [RUMBLING FROM BATHROOM.]
¡Dios mÃo! Even when I was a horse I did not make noises or smells of this nature.
[BELL RINGING.]
Hey.
Just wanted to let you know, I read you loud and clear.
- Excuse me? - Signal received.
- I sent no signal.
- Yeah, wink-wink.
I get it.
Uh-oh, Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.
But if he's right it changes everything.
Like when a baboon is in heat and presents its red bum-bum so the other baboons know it's time to monkey around.
What the fuck are you talking about? Hello! The red bra, the book.
I know how horny you are.
And as your friend, I want to help you out by touching your boob [GRUNTS.]
[GROANING, GRUNTS.]
And now you're choking me.
And I'm wondering if maybe that's not what you wanted me to do.
No, that's not what I wanted you to do.
I just thought, when I get horny, I want somebody You have no idea what I want, you fucknut shitbag! - Huh, I guess the bra wasn't a signal.
- And Jessi is very strong.
Hi Andrew, if you're finished with Doubting Andreas, I thought you might like to borrow my copy of The Rock of Gibraltar.
- You think I would like it? - Oh, yeah.
There's telescopes and compasses and Islamic art, basically everything you want in an interesting book.
- And of course there's Gustavo.
- [GUITAR STRUMS.]
[MUTTERS.]
Anyway, it's definitely worth a read.
There's something for everyone in there, I think.
Whew! I gotta get to jazz club.
- Was that a signal? - I don't know.
I'm very confused.
Whoo! Did you guys see Jessi choking me out over there? Yeah.
She gets pretty angry when she's horny.
- Lia.
- Hey, Nicky.
I had some questions RE: The Rock of Gibraltar.
Are you up to the part where she grooms him with sweet almond oil? Yeah, actually, re: almond oil, girls don't want to have sex with horses.
That's not what this book is about, right? Of course not! The horse part isn't what's sexy.
It's the fact that they can't have sex that's so hot.
This is where you lose me.
What's so hot about not having sex? See, you're thinking like a guy.
Women are different.
- Sometimes we think sex itself is sexy.
- Great news.
But other times we imagine a faceless dude walking around with a baby in a Baby Bjorn, and that's sexy.
- So babies and no faces are sexy? - No, you tiny dum-dum.
It's a lot of different things.
Sometimes we think a smell is sexy, - or sushi or Dr.
Drew Pinsky.
- What? Or like a million other incomprehensible things, you know what I mean? So The Rock of Gibraltar, it's about sex because it's about everything around sex.
- See what I'm saying? - Look at that.
Our inquisitive son, our wise daughter, working together to solve the mysteries of human desire.
I know, sweetheart.
I credit you.
No, no, no, I credit you.
No, no, I credit you.
I wanna credit you all night long.
- Why don't we go and affirm each other? - I'm already affirmed right now.
Oh, you devil dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
Some might say it's weird they're getting turned on by their children talking about what's sexy.
But I'm not here to judge.
I'm just here to watch.
[LAUGHS.]
Jay is so gross.
He doesn't know what I want.
Yeah! He doesn't.
Jessi, what do you want? I don't know.
I know I like this, and I thought I was gonna like this.
You did like that.
Yeah, but everyone's reaction to it made me feel so weird.
Who cares about everyone else? Maybe it's time to get to know yourself.
Oh, you mean take a look in it? Yeah, take a gander.
It's yours, isn't it? Uh, okay, sure.
Can I get some privacy? Of course, pecorino.
If you need me I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr.
Drew Pinsky.
He looks like a sexy turtle.
[SIGHS.]
Here goes something.
- Um hello? - Hey, girl, hey! Oh, my God, I have been dying to meet you.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Jessi.
Well, I'm your genitals.
- [LAUGHS.]
What's up? - I was wondering when you'd [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I'm sorry, you go first.
- Wait! - Jinx! - We just talked at the same time.
- We're having fun.
- This is fun.
I have to say, you are not what I was expecting.
- Do you want the grand tour? - Uh, yes, please.
Great.
Okay.
Well, up top, la-la-la-la, this is the clitoris.
It is where the party happens.
What do you mean by "party"? Oh, gosh.
Have you ever been electrocuted, but in a good way? - No.
- Okay.
It's a very important spot.
This is the urethra.
That's where the pee comes out.
Oh.
I didn't know there was a second hole.
There's three, if you count your anus.
- I don't think I do.
- Me neither.
She's an asshole.
[RIM SHOT.]
- That's a joke.
- Oh, okay.
She's a lovely lady, and a drummer.
What else? Labia majora.
- The labia minora.
- Oh, hi.
And this part here is the actual vagina.
[POPS.]
Oh.
Weird.
Sorry, I assumed the vagina was like, the whole thing.
A lot of people do that.
It's like how people call all sparkling wine champagne, but technically champagne is from one specific region in France.
[LAUGHS.]
It's like, "Shut up, nerd, we're just trying to get drunk!" [BOTH LAUGH.]
- You know, you're not scary.
- Boo! - Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
Of course I'm not scary.
I'm you, and I'm very fun.
Wink-wink.
You know what I mean? Um, I mean, yeah, I guess I think I know what you mean.
- Oh, you know what I mean.
- I have some sense of what you mean.
- I'm telling you to masturbate.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna go now.
- No.
What? Stay forever.
- I wish I could.
Aww.
Don't be a stranger.
- Neigh! - Marty, what the ? I'm Gustavo the horse.
- Why? - I'm trying to romance you.
Oh, of course you are.
Look at you, you're Gustavo the horse.
For the record, Marty, Gustavo wasn't a man who dressed like a horse.
Just get over here, all right? I threw away the scallops.
Oh, you did? You threw 'em away, huh? - [KISSING.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, girls get horny.
- And your mom's a girl.
- So my mom gets horny too.
- [MARTY.]
Neigh.
- Jesus Christ, look at the size of your dad's balls.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Okay, and for our final book report, Nick Birch will be talking to us about Oh, The Rock of Gibraltar.
- Nick.
- Ms.
Razz, bored students, The Rock of Gibraltar is a brilliantly told work of historical fiction.
The story is beautiful and filled with passion, but it's about so much more than just sex.
In a way, it's about everything around sex.
- Does that make sense? - It totally makes sense.
See, Gustavo takes care of Fatima without ever robbing her of her power.
Mm-hm! Now, I'd like to perform a dramatic reading of the speech Gustavo gives to Fatima on the shores of Playa ParaÃso.
That is, of course, if it's all right with the class.
Do it now! Do the speech now! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Fatima, I worship you.
I worship your brain for all the brilliance it holds.
I worship your beauty, for it intoxicates me and drives me passionately to you.
Señorita.
Ooh! [DUKE LAUGHS.]
I worship your uncompromising free spirit.
Know that I will never tame you, unless that is what you wish.
This one's slippery, be careful.
Know that I could never uncover all of your mysteries, even if I spent a lifetime trying.
Mm-hm.
There you go.
That's it, baby.
- Oh.
Hello.
- [GENITALS.]
Hey, girl, what's up? But if you know nothing else, Fatima, know this: I want you.
I want you forevermore.
I want you.
Okay, thanks, that's it.
Thank you, Gustavo Nick.
Thank you, Nick.
Gracias.
- El libro, señor.
- Thank you, sir.
[GROANS.]
- Missy, huh? - I guess so.
I'm surprised your dad's big ol' balls didn't show up.
I hate you.
Seriously, I was like, "Why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" And then I was like, "Oh, those are his balls.
" I can't get 'em out of my mind.
It's like, is he seeing a doctor because there could be something wrong.
It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair.
It's smooth.
That's the weight, right, pulling down the skin? I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls.
He's probably got to drape 'em outside the toilet.
Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat.
I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank and made millions.
I feel like I should tell your dad, but I'm scared he'll hit me in the head with that big pillowcase of watermelons.
Ah, the boy is asleep.
What a kid.
What a set of nuts.
Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to.
And here's the thing with balls