Bizaardvark (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Both: Hey, everybody! It's time to do the dance Where we lose self-confidence As we go along First we do this thing I think - And then we kick our arm - Leg Leg, right, and then, uh, we, uh Uh, what's next? Uh, I'm sweatin'.
Uh, I've completely lost self-confidence.
Please be over, please be over.
Please be over.
Sorry to interrupt what appears to be a groundbreaking piece of art, but your studio time is up.
You're kicking us out? But Liam, we're not finished with our video.
You know how it works here.
The more subscribers you have, the more studio time you get.
And nobody has more subscribers than, and I can't believe I'm saying this, JiffPom.
Paige: JiffPom! Frankie, look! It's Jiff Pom! I don't care who it is.
We deserve Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen! I I mean, this isn't fair.
Liam, we just hit 15,000 subscribers.
(gasps) Yes, 15,000 sounds like a lot.
JiffPom, how many do you have? He doesn't speak.
I'll answer for him.
Over two million.
Come on.
We barely get any studio time.
We're gonna lose subscribers if we don't post videos on Oh, my gosh, he's walking on his hind legs now! How splendid.
I can also walk on two legs.
He's like a little person! Okay, you win this round, JiffPom, but someday, we'll be cuter than you! Oh, no we won't! No, we won't, no, we won't, no, we won't Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
How are we gonna get more subscribers if we can't get more studio time? Bernie, you're our agent.
Can't you talk to Liam and work something out? I tried, but that guy won't give me anything.
I can't get an access card, I'm not allowed to use the bathrooms, Liam won't even let me throw my trash in the trash cans.
I have to shove it in my pockets until I get home.
Ugh.
Why did I bring papaya? I'm just sayin' it's a little suspicious that I'm missing an entire box of face powder and you have a channel where you do stupid dares.
Wasn't me.
(coughs) I'll pay you back.
Guys, you've been at Vuuugle a long time.
What's the best way to get more subscribers? Easy peasy, just find a popular channel and make a video with them.
Then viewers from both channels will watch.
It's called a collab.
"Collab" is short for "collabradoodle.
" No, it's not.
Agree to disagree.
(coughs) I also ate some eyeshadow.
Collab's a great idea.
Can either of you do one with us? Sorry, Dirk and I are already doing our own collab this week.
The beauty and lifestyle guru And the maniac who does dares or something.
It's the collab of a lifetime! Imagine what will happen when the two of us get together.
So what's gonna happen? - Probably dares.
- Probably makeovers.
Yeah, that's gonna be a mess.
We need subscribers now.
We gotta find a collab partner fast.
(coughs) Okay, I have a problem.
I got nothing.
I asked almost everyone at Vuuugle, but no one wants to collab with newbies.
How about you? I talked to JiffPom.
He said he'd get back to me.
Paige and Frankie: Aww! "No thanks, newbies.
" Both: Aww.
Paige: Bye, JiffPom.
Hey, isn't that Victor from Prank Town? Frankie: Ugh, why does he have such a popular channel? His pranks aren't even funny.
They're just mean.
It's terrible, Mom.
The doctor says I have mad penguin virus.
It's incurable and highly contagious.
Achoo! Dude, did you just give me mad penguin virus? This can't be happening.
I have a family.
Well, you can tell them what's up 'cause I just took this clown to Prank Town! (upbeat music plays) What? I thought I was gonna die! Ha! Hilarious, right? That's why I hate mean pranks.
They're always like, "Ha-ha, you had a normal" "human reaction to a situation we knew would hurt you.
" "You're dumb.
" Yeah.
If I ever talk to that jerk, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, Victor! Oh, Paige.
Sorry to bother you.
I just want to say that I love Bizaardvark videos.
- Mmm! - Well, we don't like yours.
- We think your pranks are horrendous.
- (laughs) We think a lot of things.
So you're really a big fan? Oh, yeah.
I drive my team nuts quoting your stuff.
Just ask my boy Teddy.
Uh, yeah.
Can't get enough of you.
You guys are geniuses.
We're geniuses? Yeah, I'm pretty sure one of us isn't.
So I heard you guys were looking for a collab partner.
How would you like to come to my channel and do a prank with me? Well, I can't speak for Frankie I can.
No.
But I'm sure she'd be open to it.
Well, let me know.
My five million subscribers would love you guys.
Did you say five million? Did I? Or did my trophy for five million subscribers say it for me? Great meeting you! What's wrong with me? Hey! Hey! Wait a second.
This guy thought he was gonna die from mad penguin virus? Now that's comedy! (Laughs) Frankie, this could be huge for us.
Victor has five million subscribers.
Victor is the opposite of everything Bizaardvark stands for.
We try to make people laugh, not hurt their feelings.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Pranks are harmless.
Really? Well, if that's how you feel, I guess you can't be our agent anymore.
What?! - Gotcha.
- Oh, my Why would you do that? You made me feel horrible about something that wasn't true for no reason! Yes, Bernie.
That's what a prank is.
Are you sure? 'Cause it's funny when other people get pranked.
I think you did it wrong.
Look, I don't love pranks either.
But if we do this collab, we'll get enough subscribers to make any video we want whenever we want.
Any video? Even Marty McCrumbly, the time traveler who's always one minute late? Watch out, dinosaurs! There's a meteor that's gonna Ooh, uh Oh well.
At least I can still save President Lincoln.
Okay.
Let's do it.
- (phone chimes) - They're in.
Good.
I'll use this collab to ruin Bizaardvark just like I ruined all the other comedy channels.
I know what you're thinking, Teddy.
Why would a guy with a trophy for five million subscribers be so worried about two newbies? Mm-hmm.
'Cause they're good.
They're gonna keep growing.
And no one can stand in my way of having the funniest channel on Vuuugle.
Right, Teddy? I'm funny, right? Yeah, man.
You're hilarious.
(chuckles) You thought I was insecure, didn't you? Well, you've been pranked! 'Cause I'm not.
I'm not insecure.
Ho-ho you got me.
Bernard M.
Schotz, welcome to my studio.
Whoa, you have video games? And leather chairs? And Is that an electric pencil sharpener? Bernie! When I first heard an agent of your caliber was coming to negotiate Paige and Frankie's prank, I gotta admit, I was a little nervous.
So was I.
I've never really done this bef Okay, let's get down to business.
My clients are concerned about doing anything too mean.
Do you have any nice pranks? Of course.
Every month, a girl selling cookies comes into Vuuugle.
I want Paige and Frankie to destroy her bike.
(laughs) Destroy her Wait.
That's mean.
I can't let my clients do that.
What if I throw in this Vuuugle VIP access card for you? Well, that certainly changes things.
I wouldn't have to enter through the garbage chute anymore.
- What was that? - I said I date a lot of girls.
You know what? It's a big decision.
You shouldn't have to make it on an empty stomach.
Here, have some shrimp.
Oh, I do love shrimp.
Tell you what, throw in some cocktail sauce, and you've got yourself a deal.
You are tough.
But fair.
You know we have trash cans, right? Oh-ho! Fancy! Hi, Ameliacs, and welcome to Perfectly Palatable, my collab with Dirk from DareMeBro.
Dirk, stop it.
You said I could lick the bowl.
Not with everything still in it.
The first thing we're gonna make is banana bread.
Dirk, would you like to educate the viewers? Sure.
Banana.
Bread.
Banana bread! Yes, that certainly works if you're an idiot.
(timer dings) And that sound means our delicious chocolate chip cookies are ready for decoration.
Dirk, can you please hand me the frosting? Oh, gosh.
You never know when the cookies might fight back.
Whatever.
Here are two dozen perfectly perfect chocolate chip cookies.
Or one giant cookie in the shape of a boomerang.
Sweet! A cookie-rang! I got it! Dirk what am I gonna find when I check on my cupcakes? Mm, let's just say you're gonna need this.
Wait, the prank is what? Don't worry.
All you have to do is destroy a little girl's bike.
Bernie, we told you we didn't want to do anything mean! Which is what I told Victor.
So, he said you guys can give her a new bike at the end.
That way, you'll be heroes.
Okay, that doesn't sound too bad.
That's my motto.
Bernie Schotz Doesn't down too bad.
All right, girls, that's our target.
My team just destroyed her bike.
Do what we rehearsed and take that clown to Prank Town.
Okay.
No big deal.
Just gotta break a very cute little girl's heart.
Then, she gets a new bike.
(sighs) Okay.
Five million subscribers.
Five million subscribers.
Did somebody park their bike outside? I did! Oh, man.
Well, uh, it got run over by a garbage truck.
My bike! It was a gift from my grandma before she died! - (sobs) - Oh, man.
(laughs) This is gold! Aww.
Are you sad about your bike? That's too bad.
How would you like a brand new bike? No way! This is even better than the one I had! And you can thank Bizaardvark.
(both chuckle) Ah, the girl's happy now.
It's not funny anymore.
You guys are the best.
Also my grandma's alive.
I just said that because I was really upset.
What up, DareHeads and Ameliacs? I'm here with my collab partner Amelia.
And we're gonna do some intense dares I cooked up.
Thanks for coming to the lair, Amelia.
I was worried you were gonna try and give me a makeover or something.
Dirk, I would never.
I just came here to clap and say "bro" a lot.
Okay, first dare.
Stick your face in front of this giant fan! Fan me up, bro! I lied! It's a makeover! Dirk: I am so intense right now! Perfect.
Next dare.
Can your fingernails survive the torture machine? Torture me up, bro! This is nothing! Oh, yeah? Think you can do the other hand? I'm doing the other hand! Oh! My fingernails are shining with intensity! Final dare.
I call it the reverse Houdini.
You're gonna go behind here and break into this danger suit blindfolded.
'Fold me up, bro! Whoo! I am changing so intensely right now! Wait for it.
You tricky, tricky girl.
I can't collab with you.
All you want to do is fill the world with beauty.
Well, all you want to do is have fun and live life to the fullest.
Are you guys fighting or aggressively complimenting each other? She's impossible.
I don't know how you and Paige work together so well.
Well, I guess we just talk things out.
Oh! Like Victor from Prank Town asked us to collab - and we both hate - Both: You collabed with Victor? Uh, I can't tell, is that jealous terror or happy terror? We should have warned you about Victor.
That dude is evil.
He destroys other comedy channels so he can stay on top.
That collab was probably a plan to ruin Bizaardvark.
Okay, that's all very dramatic, but the fact is, we don't have any proof Victor just posted our collab! It's called Bizaardvark: The Evil Among Us.
Ohh.
Hi, friends.
I have unfortunate news.
Recently, I met a comedy duo called Bizaardvark, a combination I assume of "bizarre" and cruelty.
They begged me to collab with them, but the prank they pulled crossed the line.
It's so mean, I I don't even want to show it to you.
Take a look! (sobs) Aww.
Are you sad about your bike? How would you like a brand new bike? That's too bad.
(sobs) And you can thank Bizaardvark! (both chuckle) (dark music plays) If you want to stand up to bullies like Paige and Frankie, please unsubscribe from Bizaardvark.
As always (upbeat music plays) Ugh.
That jerk! Victor edited the video to make us look bad! Uh, it's not all Victor's fault.
He didn't force you to wear those outfits.
Sorry.
Poor timing.
Uh, guys, your subscribers are dropping fast.
I can't believe I trusted him! - I'm sorry, Frankie.
- No, I fell for it too.
All I could hear was "five million subscribers.
" What a low-life slimeball.
Ahh.
That Victor is the best! You know he has his own masseuse? So what'd I miss? Our collab with Victor was a trap to destroy Bizaardvark.
We have to figure out a way to expose him before our channel is ruined.
What? Well, h hold on.
On the one hand, he may have destroyed your careers, but in my other hand, I'm holding a jumbo shrimp.
Well, I'll miss you.
Op, op, op! Vuuugle property! A toast to not having to worry about Bizaardvark anymore.
Yeah, man.
That's cool.
Is it cool, Teddy? Or are you just a yes-man who sticks around 'cause I give you perks like a free cell phone? Totally.
You're hilarious.
Victor, I'm so glad you're okay.
- What are you talking about? - The gas leak in your studio.
What? Teddy, follow me! Yeah, man! Uh, take them to Prank City or wherever.
I don't smell any gas! Behind this wall.
No! Be careful of my trophy! No! My baby! I can fix you! I can fix you! Oh, hi, Victor.
Having a good day? Bizaardvark? You destroyed my trophy! Did we? Or was that just a fake? All: We just took this clown to Prank Town! Ha-ha, you had a normal human reaction to a situation we knew would hurt you.
You're dumb.
Yeah.
And I was the guy in the hazmat suit.
They know, Dirk.
Come on.
I'll let you eat some more of my makeup.
Also looks like we're not the first comedy channel you tried to take down.
I'll fix that later! Nice work, detectives.
You caught me.
Only one problem.
No one's gonna believe you.
I can slow clap too.
And guess what? We've been filming this whole time.
Come on out, Bernie.
For the record, I'm not mad at you.
We're gonna post that video and show the world who you really are.
Any final words? I'm sorry.
What? - (sad music plays) - The truth is, I'm insecure.
I guess that's why I do pranks.
To hurt other people before they have a chance to hurt me.
Because all it takes to hurt me is to remind me I'm not funny.
I'm just mean.
Wow, that was really heartfelt.
But we're still gonna post it.
Paige, get the laptop! We can't post this.
We'll be just as bad as Victor.
It's not worth getting subscribers if we compromise who we are.
Or we can take revenge, celebrate for five minutes, then feel awful for the rest of our lives.
Okay, I see why you're always better.
Bernie, delete that video.
Uh I've kind of been live-streaming the whole thing.
All: What?! Quick! Get the shrimp! I'll sharpen as many pencils as I can! Go! Go! Go! Well, I don't feel great about how that went down, but I think everything turned out okay.
Yeah.
And we lost some subscribers because of Victor, but we gained some back from exposing him, which puts us at 15,000.
Right where we started.
What a massive waste of time.
I'm sorry you won't be getting anymore perks around here, Bernie.
That's okay.
I ate so much shrimp, I've got the seafood poops.
And since I can't use the bathrooms around here, oh, my life.
Well, I had a great day.
I got to make a hazmat suit out of some old raincoats.
And I was the guy in the hazmat suit.
Dirk, you really need to stop eating makeup.
Look at you two.
You used your unique skills for one common goal.
That's, like, the ultimate collab.
Oh, yeah.
We collabed in real life even though none of our millions of fans will ever see it.
Both: What a massive waste of time.
But hey, at least you guys took down Victor.
Oh, did they? My 500,000 new subscribers might beg to differ.
That's right.
People love when you bare your soul online.
All you have to do is shed a few tears and pretend to learn a lesson.
It's Vuuugle 101, newbies.
Wait, you cried on purpose? I don't know.
Did I? See you around, Bizaardvark.
Enjoy your channel while you have it.
'Cause it won't be for long.
Right, Teddy? Yeah, man.
Tacos sound good.
Does anyone else think Victor's cute?