Black Books s01e05 Episode Script

You reckon they got in through the back? Yeah.
We reckon it was drug addicts.
They took all the drugs.
We had Beechams, Night Nurse, all gone.
Not surprising.
From where I'm standing, there are 145 points of entry into this shop.
- Are there? - Try and keep me out.
All right.
You see? That's why you need this.
Normally this is installed in zoos.
The glass is soundproof.
Why do you need that in zoos? Otherwise the kids start calling the lions pricks.
Oh, right.
It's a good system.
You know the CIA? - Yeah.
- They don't use this system.
- They use something better.
- Oh, right.
Wow I read something about the CIA.
Apparently, they've got this stationery.
Looks normal, but when you write on it, it dissolves.
No, it's bollocks.
OK, it's very simple.
When you go out, just press 05 to arm.
And to disarm, just press 399.
Are you listening to me or what? What? Er, yeah.
- Do you want me to do it again? - No, it's fine.
Hi, Bernard.
The alarm system's on.
It prevents the door from being opened unless you put in the code.
It makes it more secure.
Er, the glass is soundproofed.
The glass is soundproofed.
The thicker glass You know what you are? A beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Well, here I am.
Your friend's got all the details, so I'll be off.
But certainly remember the three S's.
The three etheth? Yeah.
Security, security, security.
Oh! I didn't get what you were saying because of your lisp.
What did you tell them? - They got in through the back? - Yes.
Wouldn't do to let them know you left the door open, would it? What sort of world is it where you can't leave your door open? This sort of world, Gandalf! This is the main lock.
You arm it by pressing 05.
Hang on.
Hello? Yes.
No, I am going to pay that bill.
I am.
Yes, I know Yes No, I Ye Excuse me, could you Hang on, sorry Yes.
You agree with everything I'm saying? Terrific.
Bye.
How much for these? - £40.
- They're worth more than that.
These are good hardbacks.
- Tolstoy, Turgenev - I know, I know, I know.
But I don't want them.
I'll have to price them and put them on the shelves and people will ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them.
The whole hideous cycle will go on and on and on and on! Please, take them away.
It won't work.
Here, look.
Here, here There's 40 quid, just take them away.
Please.
- I got it! - Aha.
- Give.
Give.
Give it.
- Oh, my God! - What? - It's Howell.
Howell Granger.
I was at college with him.
- Go and say hello.
- No! Don't! He confuses me.
What? He confuses me.
He He's a total arsehole.
But he's got this voice and it just does things to me.
Fran? My God! What are you doing here? Howell! Hello.
I have a shop Erm, I mean, I work next door.
- Ah.
- Er, how are you? Oh, I'm great, you know.
Still beavering away in Radio 4.
Hey, you look Fran-tastic.
- You sound well.
- Thank you.
I hope so.
I'm doing the shipping forecast tonight.
That's good.
Well, I'd better shuffle off before I buy something.
I'm voracious at the moment.
I seem to be swallowing books whole, absolutely devouring them.
I'm ravenous.
Anyway, here's my number should you wish to give me a tinkle.
Goodbye.
Arrivedérci, Francesca.
Hey, Genghis.
Isn't it your cinema night tonight? Yeah.
I'm gonna see Armapocalypse.
You wanna come? I don't think I will.
Fran and I are meeting for drinks, aren't we? Shipping.
We're trying something new.
Absinthe, do you know it? "The drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly.
" - I'm looking forward to that.
- Forecast.
That's right.
Do you think I should wash my beard? I think you should wash it, yeah.
Then shave it off nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
OK, what was the last film you went to see? Er, oh, that one! You know, the astronauts.
- What, Armageddon? - No, before that.
At the end he goes, "You did it! You finally did it!" Then you see the Statue of Liberty on the beach.
That was it? Planet of the Apes? Yeah.
Amazing effects.
You really believed monkeys could have meetings.
And you've not been since then? No.
It's all tossycock.
It's better than getting mashed every night with no company except the dead bees.
I like the bees.
They don't leave the door open and get us robbed.
Don't get judgey with me, Ming the Merciless.
Listen, show me, what's the story with this alarm thing? How's it work? What do you do? - Right.
Now - You press, what, 05 to arm it? Yes.
You press 05 then you go out and it'll lock automatically.
- All right.
- When you come back in, you punch in the code and the lock opens.
- Sorry, when I come in? - Yes.
- After I come in? - Yes.
But how do I get in through the locked door? - That's the clever thing.
- Right.
- Could you repeat the question? - I'm outside, the door is locked, the key pad is inside.
- How can I get in? - Yeah, sorry, I see.
I see.
The thing Er, the - Er - Yeah? - The code! - Thank you for that.
Sorry to ask again, how do I get in? - The code opens the door.
- I know it does! But how do I get in to punch in the code to open the door? OK, just tell me the code.
There was a little man.
That's the code? No, I didn't hear the code cos he had a little man in his hair.
Well, the little man in my hair is getting very angry.
What are you talking about? He had a Subbuteo player in his hair.
I got distracted.
So we have a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out? - Including us? - Yes! We'll get used to it.
- HOW?! - What's the problem? Look! It's very simple.
- Right.
- I'm outside.
- Right.
- The door is locked.
Now, what happens now is that you Wait a minute! I see the problem! You have to get in to punch in the code.
Right! Is this locked now? I can't hear you.
I'll punch in the code and let you in.
Have you locked me out? Just one sec.
Yes! Yes! You have! Write something useful, you stupid fu I know, it's annoying.
Fran! ' on Radio 4 at 2:30.
And now, our weekly visit ' Right, er, OK, just relax.
Relax.
I'm starving.
Where Ah! Ha-ha! No, no, no! Er Ah! Ah! Right.
"When you find yourself in a desperate situation, "you can find edible grubs or roots.
"Even insects can provide ample nutrition.
"It's vital to stay warm and have adequate liquid.
" Right, er "Morale is just as important.
"You may find it absurd, but a sing-song "has seen many a lonely soldier through a long night.
" # I'm in the mood for dancing # Romancing # I'm head over # Hmm, crunchy.
Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake.
I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
That's how much it costs.
Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high or? Cola, please.
Right, that's the traps set up.
Now.
"Wait for rabbit to approach.
" Huh?! Rabbit? Where am I gonna get a rabbit? "It is vital to maintain radio contact.
" Sorry, this might sound funny, but could I have 10p? - Joking, aren't you? - No, please.
Please.
Please don't be engaged, Fran.
Don't be engaged.
Don't be engaged.
Who are you talking to?! ' after the news, the shipping forecast, 'read by Howell Granger.
' Yeep! - Nasty night.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Freezing.
Yeah.
Wouldn't want to be stuck out there.
A lot of low air pressure from Abernethy or somewhere and Is that right? What can I interest you in? Oh, yeah.
Right OK, I'd like some hardcore pornography, please.
Right.
Here you are.
Set in a woman's prison.
£25.
Do you have one in a town hall? Women guess the weight of the cake No.
Got one with nurses.
What kind of nurses, though? The kind with big tits.
What do they do? Are they in administration? That's what I want.
Hospital paperwork - That's very specific.
- Well, just keep looking.
Can you turn the radiator up? Administrative Nurses.
£40.
Sorry, I meant to say senior administrative.
That's the only thing I'm interested in.
Can we watch it together? Get a bottle of wine and Out.
What are you doing?! What takes this long?! ' northwest Finisterre ' Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah! ' squally showers, moderate, becoming good ' Good! Very lonely, I'm a lonely soldier.
Come in.
Come in! This is Lonely Soldier.
My coordinates are bookshop.
' Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea ' Hello? Oh! Yes! Oh! ' southwest, veering west, five to seven.
Good.
' Good, good.
Good! 'That is the end of the shipping forecast.
' No! Wait! Please! No! Howell, please come back.
Howell! 'And now, A Book At Bedtime.
'Joe Pasquale reads Heidi by Johanna Spyri.
' 'The little town of Mayenfeld 'lies at the foot of a mountain range - ' whose grim, ragged ' - Ah! 'Behind the town, a footpath winds up to the heights.
' Ah! Er Could Does the Mamba Burger come with tasty cheese? No.
OK.
Then, could I have some Hunky Dunkers with barbecue Hunky Dunky dip? Er, and a Mucky chocolate milkshake.
What size? Small, medium, goliath or God? One Hunky Dunkers, barbecue Hunky Dunky dip and a medium Mucky.
£4.
99.
Er, I'm a little light at the moment.
Er, actually, er, this belt is made from real leather.
Feel it, go on.
Have a feel.
If you're not eating anything, you have to leave the premises.
"I will do so immediately, sir.
"I will do so immediately.
"Sir.
"I will do so immediately, sir.
" Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Is this you, Mummy? I can hear you breathing, whoever you are.
You're beginning to test my patience.
I know someone's there.
I'm hanging up.
'Don't hang up, Howell! ' Fran? Is this you, Fran? Are you OK? Are you in pain? Do you want me to come over? I'll come over, Fran.
Do you want me to come? I'll come, Fran.
I'll come.
Fran! Fran, my God, what's happened? Fran! 'Hello, Howell.
Sorry about that.
' Fran, are you all right? Yes, I'm I'm fine, thank you.
I just just caught my foot in the fridge.
Oh, erm Thanks, goodbye.
- Er Erm - Is it still raining? Er, yeah.
Welcome to the thing, whatever this place is.
OK.
Can I have Er What do you want?! A Mamba Burger, please.
- What do they look like? - Sort of two layers.
What does the wrapper look like? Oh, it's the red Red and white, I think.
- There you go.
- No, no, no.
Just Just, er - This this one.
- Here.
No, no.
I think that's it.
With bacon or something on the top? - No, that's not it.
- That one is very nice.
- That's not it.
- Try it! Give it a shot.
- That's not it.
- Have it! - Give me a quid.
- Can I get some chips as well? - How many? - What? How many? Come on! Three, four Right, two quid.
And a Diet Coke.
No, no, no! Coke's off.
Coke's off.
Have some extra chips.
- Mamba Chilli Dog - Is it still raining? No.
What happened? You were burgled again.
Huh?! There's nothing left to take.
What did they get? As far as I can make out, they took the security system.
Thank Christ for that.
- What's up with him? - He drank all our absinthe.
I'm a lonely soldier.
What are you doing? Putting a cold flannel on his head.
- Why? - They do that in the films.
Where were you when I needed you? Oh, yeah, Bernard.
Something came up.
I'm so, so sorry.
Erm, what did you do? Oh, just my usual night out.
Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened.
Met a pornographer, got a job in a burger bar, the usual.
- Bernard.
- What? - I'm sorry.
- Forget it.
- No, there's another thing.
- What? What did you do? What did you do?! I ate all your bees!