Bless the Harts (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Trash Twins
1 Mm, mm, mm.
Look at those two, y'all.
- JENNY: Ew.
- WAYNE: Yeah.
Ew.
Are his nips pierced? Ugh.
Look at his girlfriend, Miss Tube-Top Tube-Bottom.
Everyone knows you can't do tube on tube.
Excuse me, Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown, - aren't you two barefoot? - What? - Our shoes are right here.
- We just came from Fancy Nails, - aka the classiest place in town.
- JENNY: Although, Mother, you could be a little more on the down-low when you pump squirt cheese into your Jumbo Chugger.
You're saying that while you're elbow deep - in a Splenda caddy? - Violet, this isn't low class.
When something is complimentary, it is actually tacky not to take it.
They will expire, and people will get sick.
Is that what you want, Violet? Oh, damn.
Here comes that righteous little witch, - Crystalynn Poole.
- Crystalynn is a perfectly nice person.
That's what she wants you to think.
WAYNE: Oh, no.
Here comes a nice-off.
Ugh.
Not in the mood.
Oh! Hi, Crystalynn.
Betty.
Oh, my word, it is so good to see you.
Just looking younger and younger with each passing day.
Crystalynn, I just love your perm.
Thank you.
Isn't it so wonderful that the Lord brought us together today? Praise him.
Well, I got to go get my baby boy-themed party supplies for my grandangel's sip and see.
Y'all take care now.
You, too, Crystalynn.
- Did you hear that lady-turd? - Ugh.
Stop it! [doors chime.]
What is a sip and see anyway? It's a party where phony-butt hoity-toities stand around drinking mimosas and cooing over whatever plopped out of their daughter's baby crater.
Oh, Mother.
My favorite thing about you - is how you support other women.
- [engine revving.]
WOMAN: Take a shower, trash twins! What the freak?! Oh, I'm gonna take a shower, all right.
[singsongy.]
In somebody's blood! [title music.]
[tires screeching.]
My friggin' pedicure's got a Gatorade lid stuck to it! Hell no! Not today, Satan! - That had to be Crystalynn.
- Ugh.
We just saw her.
- And she was totally sweet! - Like a deceitful gummy candy.
She starts sweet so she can go sour.
- It's all part of her grift.
- Whatever, Mother.
I'm gonna go home and clean up.
She thinks she's playing the long game, but I'm about to scream "Yahtzee!" [tires screeching.]
Oh, my God, Jenny.
[sniffs.]
You smell like dumpster water.
Whoo! I'm just gonna crack a window.
- [evil laughing.]
- Hey! [cackling.]
Oh, my God.
It's Uncle Tommy.
- [whistling.]
- Whoa! [laughing.]
Wait, that child with the cast on his arm is your uncle? - How old is he? - Ten.
He's my meemaw's youngest.
Meemaw was getting busy deep into her 40s, and having babies at the same time as my mama and her sisters.
Meemaw's a real party girl.
So it always kind of falls on me to keep him out of trouble.
Hey! - [diners yelling.]
- [Tommy laughing.]
WAYNE: Stop that this instant, Uncle Tommy! Nephew Wayne! [evil laughing.]
WAYNE: I need to grab him until Meemaw wears herself out.
Uncle Tommy.
- Get your ass over here.
- Uncle Tommy.
Come over here, hon.
- [gasps.]
What is he doing? - Oh, Lord, he's slicking up.
I can't get ahold of him.
- [laughing.]
- He's too damn buttery.
- Jenny, throw me that tarp.
- [evil laughing.]
[woman gasping.]
Ah! [grunts.]
- So he's okay under there? - [Tommy chuckling.]
There you go, he-he likes to be swaddled.
Oh, my God.
We caught a real-life Nell.
- [cackling.]
- You know what? I think I know where to take Uncle Tommy to tame him.
He needs to go to church.
And not just any church.
[chuckles, sighs.]
[music.]
Uncle Tommy, I was a lot like you.
And this place really turned me around Stop squirming! And stop licking me [music.]
Damn it, whose dog is this?! [cackling.]
Uncle Tommy! [dog whimpers.]
So what did this person call y'all again? Trash twins.
- Which, I believe, is a federal crime.
- Well, no, it is not.
And I don't know why anyone would call y'all trash twins.
When I got you both over here slathering up with about a gallon of free hand lotion.
Or digging out a panty bite and then touching no fewer than nine peaches with that same hand! Okay, right, right there! Freeze! Oh, hell no.
Crystal [bleep.]
Lynn! They called you what?! [grunts.]
- It's okay.
Take it easy.
- I won't.
You're the classiest girl I know, gosh dang it.
Do-do-do-do.
Look at you two.
Just chatting by the garbage.
Well, when you're finished with your little dumpster chat, you go ahead and clock out.
I'm heading out early.
Got a dinner date with my sweet Daniel.
He likes me to order and then get his stuff to go.
He's so silly.
He's a businessman.
Two! She said two.
How many are twins? Two.
What do you put in the dumpster? Trash.
Trash twins! - It's Louise! - Oh, cool your jets.
It wasn't Louise.
She doesn't even shop at Mega Lo Mart.
- Brenda, where'd you get that brick? - My purse.
[heavenly music plays.]
JESUS: Jenny, shug, why so down? Someone drove by me and Mother in the Mega Lo Mart parking lot and called us "trash twins"! - Whaaat?! That's ridiculous.
- Right? But you had just come from Fancy Nails, - so were you? - We were barefoot, yeah.
- Oh.
- What? So you were barefoot.
In a Mega Lo Mart.
- Yes.
And the parking lot.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, if Betty wants to retaliate, you should definitely try and rise above.
An eye for an eye just makes everyone blind.
You didn't, like, go into the bathroom - while you were barefoot, did you? - Sorry, what? Oh, nothing.
[chuckles.]
Never mind.
[quietly.]
Good gravy, the floor in there Maybe I have gotten a little too casual.
You know, in fact, I'm gonna clean myself up.
I'm gonna wear more skirt suits and, and read more and watch documentaries, you know? I'm not trash.
And Mother is not doing some trashy revenge.
The end.
[jazz music playing.]
What's happening? Oh, I'm just watching a documentary about jazz, i.
e.
, killing two classy birds with one classy stone.
And are you really drinking hot tea? Yes.
It's wonderful.
It's hot, unsweetened tea.
Mmm.
Earthy.
Now I'm going to write a British poem.
Say a theme.
- Craziness? - Craziness.
British insanity.
What rhymes with "insanity"? In-fam-ility.
You know what? [chuckles.]
I think I'm just gonna focus on my documentary.
I'm almost done.
- Oh, goody, it has 36 more parts.
- Okay, Mom.
I like what you are attempting to do here.
It's a little unsettling, but at least you're not yelling in the Mega Lo Mart whilst barefoot.
"Whilst.
" Oh, that's an excellent word for my British poem.
Read 'em and weep.
Told.
You.
Y'all.
The mouth that yelled "trash twins.
" Not gonna lose it.
Huh I'm just gonna stay classy and finish my elegant poem.
Whilst [sighs.]
whilst [singsongy.]
whilst I tear that holy-rolling frizz noggin a new pyew hole! Crystalynn, you two-faced Judas.
Oh, that just burns me up.
- [gasps.]
She thinks she is so much better than us.
- [phone vibrating.]
Well, well, well.
Look who just checked in at the Golden Trough Buffet.
You better hit that baked potato bar hard and fast, Crystalynn, - 'cause you're about to lose your appetite.
- There she is.
Now, Mother, let's not climb directly into the mud here.
If we're gonna do this, I think we should do it classy.
Right? Let's kill her with kindness.
Fine, we'll do it your way.
- Garbage water! - I don't know why in the hell people drink unsweetened tea.
Reverend Ace, I want to thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me - and my Uncle Tommy.
- Wh-Whoa.
That kid's your uncle? - WAYNE: Yep.
- That's crazy.
- How old is he? Seven, eight? - Yeah, he's ten.
But he's got the criminal mind of a 20-year-old.
- [grunts.]
- I think he needs guidance, you know, a, a place where he fits in.
You brought this young man to the right gym church.
He's a perfect fit for our Little Lifters program.
ALL: Praise him! Whoo! Look at 'em go! You wouldn't believe it to look at 'em now, but them sweet muscular little boys used to be a gang of unholy butts.
Don't worry, Wayne.
I'll have your Uncle Tommy spiritually ripped in no time.
- [grunting.]
- No, whoa-whoa, Tommy, no, no, whoa! That's not a phone book, brother.
That's a Bible.
We only tear through those with our eyes.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, beloved members of our congregation, please welcome to the altar Reverend Ace! [gasping.]
[rock music.]
[cheering and applause.]
Listen up, folks! I used to be a bad seed, a hard-core drugger.
Even got arrested for putting a cop in a headlock.
Lucky for me, there was one dude I couldn't put in a headlock, 'cause of his thorny crown.
Damn.
I'm talking about Jesus.
Now, instead of bending the law, I bend to the power of his word! [audience gasps.]
- MAN: Aw, yeah.
- [applause.]
[laughs.]
Through the power of Christ and a low-fat, protein-rich diet, - I rip through sin! - [audience gasps.]
- Temptation! - [gasps.]
And the "C" word.
- [grunts.]
- [gasps.]
So in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Swolly Ghost! Amen! ["Crazy on You" by Heart playing.]
Crazy on you Crazy on you Let me go crazy, crazy on you Oh Oh, hey, Crystalynn.
Look at you, all done up and pretty.
Ugh, your face looks like lipstick on an old man fist.
Betty and Jenny.
Oh, my word, you look so cute as always.
Your smile just lights up a room.
Uh, invest in some Whitestrips.
And also a mirror, corn teeth.
Ooh, I like your statement necklace.
Do you wear that Lucifer dog collar when you're out sniffing other dogs' butts? Don't you just love this Golden Trough buffet? You two dumpster possums can't afford to eat out.
What'd you do? Sell your hair or something? The weirdest thing happened after we saw you at Mega Lo Mart [chuckles.]
the other day.
When we exited, some so-and-so drove by and catcalled us.
That's right, I'm in this, too, and we know what you did, poodle-headed snizz face.
Uh uh Well, I got to get back to doing the Lord's work.
Y'all enjoy your lunch.
[tires screech.]
- Whoa! - I came as fast as I could.
- What's going on? - I'm sorry, Wayne.
I did my best, but Uncle Tommy has got to go.
[grunting.]
[shouts.]
Geez.
I thought you could fix him, Reverend Ace.
He started out destroying all the right stuff in the name of the Lord, but then he just moved on over to the employee kitchenette, and started busting up things in there! - [cackling.]
- No, Uncle Tommy! That stationary bike is supposed to stay stationary.
Oh! Man, that felt so good.
That two-faced hussy got the taste - knocked out of both her mouths.
- Oh, you two don't need to pay.
Crystalynn bought both your dinners.
She said y'all are usually struggling with money stuff, and she wanted to help the needy.
Isn't she sweet? "The sweetest.
" Okay.
I'm ready to mud-wrestle.
My perm! [tires screeching.]
Don't forget to get a big old scoop of my baked mac and cheese.
- [gasping.]
- ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh, my Lord! - So detailed.
- [laughter.]
[doorbell rings.]
[air horn blowing.]
[laughter.]
I'll see your porch skunk and raise you an erotic topiary.
Enjoy your lawn wiener, y'all! - [shouts.]
- You guys having a good time? What are you doing standing in the kitchen with the lights off? Mm, what am I? I don't know.
Maybe I'm just waiting for you two to grow up, I guess.
You know, it's all around town, what you guys are doing.
Baby, it's called justice.
Violet, when you become an adult, you'll see that this is how grown-ups work out problems with each other.
Stupid gross pranks? R-rated topiaries? - That's how adults communicate? - Sure is.
And what were you gonna do with this? Put it in her bed like The Godfather horse head - to send a message.
- What's the message? That she's trash.
Mom, you know I go to school with Crystalynn's granddaughter.
- Oh.
Right.
- And you're just ugh.
You're embarrassing me.
- What? - You are embarrassing! [door opens, closes.]
[music.]
- How's Violet? - [sighs.]
I don't know.
She left for school before I saw her.
- I-I feel so bad.
- Yeah, me, too.
I feel awful.
Which is why it's gonna take every ounce of strength I have to pick up that phone and order a stripper cop over to Crystalynn's - grandangel's sip and see.
- Ugh.
No, Mother.
But you know what? We are going over there.
To apologize.
We need to put this feud to rest because we are grown adults, and we are better than this.
And I don't want Violet to be embarrassed of me.
Fine.
I'll go over there, but if she so much as breathes the wrong way, her sip and see's gonna get a visit from the "Long Weiner of the Law.
" WAYNE: All right, Uncle Tommy.
I'm taking you back to Meemaw.
Hopefully she's not drunk under a pool table by now.
[grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, she's working here? Hey, shug.
Everything okay? [Tommy cackles.]
Oh, sweet pea.
I bet you thought I was drinking here, didn't you? Nah Well, yeah.
Took this as a second job about a month ago.
It costs a lot of money to feed and clothe all the critters I got running around my house.
Plus, I'm saving up for this year's Shredfest, featuring Rob Zombie, The Cult and a meet and greet with Korn.
Get in here and give me a hug.
I got your back.
I love you, Meemaw.
Aw.
Love you, too, baby.
Now let me get y'all something to eat.
I really owe you for spending so much time - with my little wrecking ball.
- "Wrecking ball.
" He sure is.
You know what, Meemaw? You mind if I kept him for just a few more hours? [tires screech.]
Hey, Wayne.
I thought you were starting work - on this site next week.
- Yeah, I am.
But I just wanted to stop by with someone who might be able to help you out today.
- Ah.
My Uncle Tommy.
- Uncle Tommy can't work here.
Oh, you don't have to call it work.
This is all play to him.
- Have at it, Uncle T.
- Thanks, Wayne.
[laughs.]
Yeah, we can cancel that wrecking ball.
Aw.
It's like a whole new Uncle Tommy.
Come here.
- Oh! - [laughs.]
Damn it! Right in the balls! What is wrong with you, boy? [doorbell rings.]
[door sensor beeps.]
- Nope.
- No, no, no.
- Crystalynn, no.
- Don't shut the door.
We came to say that we're sorry.
[beeps.]
I would like to apologize to you.
And we even brought you a little gift.
I'd sooner unwrap an Edible Arrangement from the Unabomber.
You do it.
A "What Happens at Grandmaw's Stays at Grandmaw's" onesie.
ALL: Aw Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
This feels so good.
Oh, y'all, please come in for a minute.
- Really? Are you sure? - Betty, I am.
Everybody, this is my good friend Betty Hart and her gorgeous daughter Jenny Hart.
Now y'all come here and meet my grandangel, Tristen Poole Henderson.
- JENNY: I could eat him.
- Aw, me, too.
Eat him up.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna eat him.
Ooh, I'll get it.
- Oh! Smell his head.
- [sniffs.]
Oh, heaven.
Sheer heaven.
[all sniffing.]
Oh yes.
I think Baby Tristen Poole Henderson just got his first lesson in forgiveness.
ALL: Aw [lock clicks.]
Vi, I'm sorry for how out of hand we got.
We're-we're done with all that and we apologized to Crystalynn.
Well, if you did do that, then I'm proud of you, Mom.
Thank you for helping us come to our senses.
So glad we finally squashed that beef.
Maybe you squashed it, but I marinated it and doused it in ketchup.
And then I threw it to a wolf and then I hunted that wolf and then I skinned it and ate it raw.
Mother, what are you talking about? [sips.]
The second I found out it was Crystalynn who yelled "trash twins," I knew it was revenge time.
And I knew I had to go "nucular.
" Phase one: stash refuse under Violet's old kiddie pool, including one overripe picnic watermelon.
Phase two: prop the Crystalynn head piñata against Violet's easel.
I knew she'd see it and confront you, Jenny.
I call this technique Activating the Child.
And you fell right in line, Vi.
Soon as Violet's preteen ire burned your butt like a laser, Jenny, phase three was in motion, for I needed you to gain us entrée into Crystalynn's with a sincere apology, which you did beautifully.
You were so high on your precious forgiveness that you didn't even notice the watermelon under my loosest peasant-cut blouse or the bundle of stinky trash in my tote.
And the Hollywood-style waterworks? Ha, I'm just that good.
Watch and learn, Myrtle Streebs.
[wailing.]
Once we were in, I knew I had to act fast.
Oh, I'll get it.
And I knew all the head huffing would cause Tristen Poole Henderson to lose his paci, giving me the perfect opportunity to slide that rotten watermelon right under his crib.
And if my calculations are correct, Crystalynn's sip and see flymageddon is starting right about now.
Get the baby! Get Tristen Poole Henderson! That is wow.
[slow clap.]
- That's pretty fantastic.
- Really, Violet? That is the epitome of childish, trashy behavior.
But Gram elevated it to an art form.
What happens at Grandmaw's stays at Grandmaw's.
Yahtzee!
Look at those two, y'all.
- JENNY: Ew.
- WAYNE: Yeah.
Ew.
Are his nips pierced? Ugh.
Look at his girlfriend, Miss Tube-Top Tube-Bottom.
Everyone knows you can't do tube on tube.
Excuse me, Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown, - aren't you two barefoot? - What? - Our shoes are right here.
- We just came from Fancy Nails, - aka the classiest place in town.
- JENNY: Although, Mother, you could be a little more on the down-low when you pump squirt cheese into your Jumbo Chugger.
You're saying that while you're elbow deep - in a Splenda caddy? - Violet, this isn't low class.
When something is complimentary, it is actually tacky not to take it.
They will expire, and people will get sick.
Is that what you want, Violet? Oh, damn.
Here comes that righteous little witch, - Crystalynn Poole.
- Crystalynn is a perfectly nice person.
That's what she wants you to think.
WAYNE: Oh, no.
Here comes a nice-off.
Ugh.
Not in the mood.
Oh! Hi, Crystalynn.
Betty.
Oh, my word, it is so good to see you.
Just looking younger and younger with each passing day.
Crystalynn, I just love your perm.
Thank you.
Isn't it so wonderful that the Lord brought us together today? Praise him.
Well, I got to go get my baby boy-themed party supplies for my grandangel's sip and see.
Y'all take care now.
You, too, Crystalynn.
- Did you hear that lady-turd? - Ugh.
Stop it! [doors chime.]
What is a sip and see anyway? It's a party where phony-butt hoity-toities stand around drinking mimosas and cooing over whatever plopped out of their daughter's baby crater.
Oh, Mother.
My favorite thing about you - is how you support other women.
- [engine revving.]
WOMAN: Take a shower, trash twins! What the freak?! Oh, I'm gonna take a shower, all right.
[singsongy.]
In somebody's blood! [title music.]
[tires screeching.]
My friggin' pedicure's got a Gatorade lid stuck to it! Hell no! Not today, Satan! - That had to be Crystalynn.
- Ugh.
We just saw her.
- And she was totally sweet! - Like a deceitful gummy candy.
She starts sweet so she can go sour.
- It's all part of her grift.
- Whatever, Mother.
I'm gonna go home and clean up.
She thinks she's playing the long game, but I'm about to scream "Yahtzee!" [tires screeching.]
Oh, my God, Jenny.
[sniffs.]
You smell like dumpster water.
Whoo! I'm just gonna crack a window.
- [evil laughing.]
- Hey! [cackling.]
Oh, my God.
It's Uncle Tommy.
- [whistling.]
- Whoa! [laughing.]
Wait, that child with the cast on his arm is your uncle? - How old is he? - Ten.
He's my meemaw's youngest.
Meemaw was getting busy deep into her 40s, and having babies at the same time as my mama and her sisters.
Meemaw's a real party girl.
So it always kind of falls on me to keep him out of trouble.
Hey! - [diners yelling.]
- [Tommy laughing.]
WAYNE: Stop that this instant, Uncle Tommy! Nephew Wayne! [evil laughing.]
WAYNE: I need to grab him until Meemaw wears herself out.
Uncle Tommy.
- Get your ass over here.
- Uncle Tommy.
Come over here, hon.
- [gasps.]
What is he doing? - Oh, Lord, he's slicking up.
I can't get ahold of him.
- [laughing.]
- He's too damn buttery.
- Jenny, throw me that tarp.
- [evil laughing.]
[woman gasping.]
Ah! [grunts.]
- So he's okay under there? - [Tommy chuckling.]
There you go, he-he likes to be swaddled.
Oh, my God.
We caught a real-life Nell.
- [cackling.]
- You know what? I think I know where to take Uncle Tommy to tame him.
He needs to go to church.
And not just any church.
[chuckles, sighs.]
[music.]
Uncle Tommy, I was a lot like you.
And this place really turned me around Stop squirming! And stop licking me [music.]
Damn it, whose dog is this?! [cackling.]
Uncle Tommy! [dog whimpers.]
So what did this person call y'all again? Trash twins.
- Which, I believe, is a federal crime.
- Well, no, it is not.
And I don't know why anyone would call y'all trash twins.
When I got you both over here slathering up with about a gallon of free hand lotion.
Or digging out a panty bite and then touching no fewer than nine peaches with that same hand! Okay, right, right there! Freeze! Oh, hell no.
Crystal [bleep.]
Lynn! They called you what?! [grunts.]
- It's okay.
Take it easy.
- I won't.
You're the classiest girl I know, gosh dang it.
Do-do-do-do.
Look at you two.
Just chatting by the garbage.
Well, when you're finished with your little dumpster chat, you go ahead and clock out.
I'm heading out early.
Got a dinner date with my sweet Daniel.
He likes me to order and then get his stuff to go.
He's so silly.
He's a businessman.
Two! She said two.
How many are twins? Two.
What do you put in the dumpster? Trash.
Trash twins! - It's Louise! - Oh, cool your jets.
It wasn't Louise.
She doesn't even shop at Mega Lo Mart.
- Brenda, where'd you get that brick? - My purse.
[heavenly music plays.]
JESUS: Jenny, shug, why so down? Someone drove by me and Mother in the Mega Lo Mart parking lot and called us "trash twins"! - Whaaat?! That's ridiculous.
- Right? But you had just come from Fancy Nails, - so were you? - We were barefoot, yeah.
- Oh.
- What? So you were barefoot.
In a Mega Lo Mart.
- Yes.
And the parking lot.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, if Betty wants to retaliate, you should definitely try and rise above.
An eye for an eye just makes everyone blind.
You didn't, like, go into the bathroom - while you were barefoot, did you? - Sorry, what? Oh, nothing.
[chuckles.]
Never mind.
[quietly.]
Good gravy, the floor in there Maybe I have gotten a little too casual.
You know, in fact, I'm gonna clean myself up.
I'm gonna wear more skirt suits and, and read more and watch documentaries, you know? I'm not trash.
And Mother is not doing some trashy revenge.
The end.
[jazz music playing.]
What's happening? Oh, I'm just watching a documentary about jazz, i.
e.
, killing two classy birds with one classy stone.
And are you really drinking hot tea? Yes.
It's wonderful.
It's hot, unsweetened tea.
Mmm.
Earthy.
Now I'm going to write a British poem.
Say a theme.
- Craziness? - Craziness.
British insanity.
What rhymes with "insanity"? In-fam-ility.
You know what? [chuckles.]
I think I'm just gonna focus on my documentary.
I'm almost done.
- Oh, goody, it has 36 more parts.
- Okay, Mom.
I like what you are attempting to do here.
It's a little unsettling, but at least you're not yelling in the Mega Lo Mart whilst barefoot.
"Whilst.
" Oh, that's an excellent word for my British poem.
Read 'em and weep.
Told.
You.
Y'all.
The mouth that yelled "trash twins.
" Not gonna lose it.
Huh I'm just gonna stay classy and finish my elegant poem.
Whilst [sighs.]
whilst [singsongy.]
whilst I tear that holy-rolling frizz noggin a new pyew hole! Crystalynn, you two-faced Judas.
Oh, that just burns me up.
- [gasps.]
She thinks she is so much better than us.
- [phone vibrating.]
Well, well, well.
Look who just checked in at the Golden Trough Buffet.
You better hit that baked potato bar hard and fast, Crystalynn, - 'cause you're about to lose your appetite.
- There she is.
Now, Mother, let's not climb directly into the mud here.
If we're gonna do this, I think we should do it classy.
Right? Let's kill her with kindness.
Fine, we'll do it your way.
- Garbage water! - I don't know why in the hell people drink unsweetened tea.
Reverend Ace, I want to thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me - and my Uncle Tommy.
- Wh-Whoa.
That kid's your uncle? - WAYNE: Yep.
- That's crazy.
- How old is he? Seven, eight? - Yeah, he's ten.
But he's got the criminal mind of a 20-year-old.
- [grunts.]
- I think he needs guidance, you know, a, a place where he fits in.
You brought this young man to the right gym church.
He's a perfect fit for our Little Lifters program.
ALL: Praise him! Whoo! Look at 'em go! You wouldn't believe it to look at 'em now, but them sweet muscular little boys used to be a gang of unholy butts.
Don't worry, Wayne.
I'll have your Uncle Tommy spiritually ripped in no time.
- [grunting.]
- No, whoa-whoa, Tommy, no, no, whoa! That's not a phone book, brother.
That's a Bible.
We only tear through those with our eyes.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, beloved members of our congregation, please welcome to the altar Reverend Ace! [gasping.]
[rock music.]
[cheering and applause.]
Listen up, folks! I used to be a bad seed, a hard-core drugger.
Even got arrested for putting a cop in a headlock.
Lucky for me, there was one dude I couldn't put in a headlock, 'cause of his thorny crown.
Damn.
I'm talking about Jesus.
Now, instead of bending the law, I bend to the power of his word! [audience gasps.]
- MAN: Aw, yeah.
- [applause.]
[laughs.]
Through the power of Christ and a low-fat, protein-rich diet, - I rip through sin! - [audience gasps.]
- Temptation! - [gasps.]
And the "C" word.
- [grunts.]
- [gasps.]
So in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Swolly Ghost! Amen! ["Crazy on You" by Heart playing.]
Crazy on you Crazy on you Let me go crazy, crazy on you Oh Oh, hey, Crystalynn.
Look at you, all done up and pretty.
Ugh, your face looks like lipstick on an old man fist.
Betty and Jenny.
Oh, my word, you look so cute as always.
Your smile just lights up a room.
Uh, invest in some Whitestrips.
And also a mirror, corn teeth.
Ooh, I like your statement necklace.
Do you wear that Lucifer dog collar when you're out sniffing other dogs' butts? Don't you just love this Golden Trough buffet? You two dumpster possums can't afford to eat out.
What'd you do? Sell your hair or something? The weirdest thing happened after we saw you at Mega Lo Mart [chuckles.]
the other day.
When we exited, some so-and-so drove by and catcalled us.
That's right, I'm in this, too, and we know what you did, poodle-headed snizz face.
Uh uh Well, I got to get back to doing the Lord's work.
Y'all enjoy your lunch.
[tires screech.]
- Whoa! - I came as fast as I could.
- What's going on? - I'm sorry, Wayne.
I did my best, but Uncle Tommy has got to go.
[grunting.]
[shouts.]
Geez.
I thought you could fix him, Reverend Ace.
He started out destroying all the right stuff in the name of the Lord, but then he just moved on over to the employee kitchenette, and started busting up things in there! - [cackling.]
- No, Uncle Tommy! That stationary bike is supposed to stay stationary.
Oh! Man, that felt so good.
That two-faced hussy got the taste - knocked out of both her mouths.
- Oh, you two don't need to pay.
Crystalynn bought both your dinners.
She said y'all are usually struggling with money stuff, and she wanted to help the needy.
Isn't she sweet? "The sweetest.
" Okay.
I'm ready to mud-wrestle.
My perm! [tires screeching.]
Don't forget to get a big old scoop of my baked mac and cheese.
- [gasping.]
- ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh, my Lord! - So detailed.
- [laughter.]
[doorbell rings.]
[air horn blowing.]
[laughter.]
I'll see your porch skunk and raise you an erotic topiary.
Enjoy your lawn wiener, y'all! - [shouts.]
- You guys having a good time? What are you doing standing in the kitchen with the lights off? Mm, what am I? I don't know.
Maybe I'm just waiting for you two to grow up, I guess.
You know, it's all around town, what you guys are doing.
Baby, it's called justice.
Violet, when you become an adult, you'll see that this is how grown-ups work out problems with each other.
Stupid gross pranks? R-rated topiaries? - That's how adults communicate? - Sure is.
And what were you gonna do with this? Put it in her bed like The Godfather horse head - to send a message.
- What's the message? That she's trash.
Mom, you know I go to school with Crystalynn's granddaughter.
- Oh.
Right.
- And you're just ugh.
You're embarrassing me.
- What? - You are embarrassing! [door opens, closes.]
[music.]
- How's Violet? - [sighs.]
I don't know.
She left for school before I saw her.
- I-I feel so bad.
- Yeah, me, too.
I feel awful.
Which is why it's gonna take every ounce of strength I have to pick up that phone and order a stripper cop over to Crystalynn's - grandangel's sip and see.
- Ugh.
No, Mother.
But you know what? We are going over there.
To apologize.
We need to put this feud to rest because we are grown adults, and we are better than this.
And I don't want Violet to be embarrassed of me.
Fine.
I'll go over there, but if she so much as breathes the wrong way, her sip and see's gonna get a visit from the "Long Weiner of the Law.
" WAYNE: All right, Uncle Tommy.
I'm taking you back to Meemaw.
Hopefully she's not drunk under a pool table by now.
[grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, she's working here? Hey, shug.
Everything okay? [Tommy cackles.]
Oh, sweet pea.
I bet you thought I was drinking here, didn't you? Nah Well, yeah.
Took this as a second job about a month ago.
It costs a lot of money to feed and clothe all the critters I got running around my house.
Plus, I'm saving up for this year's Shredfest, featuring Rob Zombie, The Cult and a meet and greet with Korn.
Get in here and give me a hug.
I got your back.
I love you, Meemaw.
Aw.
Love you, too, baby.
Now let me get y'all something to eat.
I really owe you for spending so much time - with my little wrecking ball.
- "Wrecking ball.
" He sure is.
You know what, Meemaw? You mind if I kept him for just a few more hours? [tires screech.]
Hey, Wayne.
I thought you were starting work - on this site next week.
- Yeah, I am.
But I just wanted to stop by with someone who might be able to help you out today.
- Ah.
My Uncle Tommy.
- Uncle Tommy can't work here.
Oh, you don't have to call it work.
This is all play to him.
- Have at it, Uncle T.
- Thanks, Wayne.
[laughs.]
Yeah, we can cancel that wrecking ball.
Aw.
It's like a whole new Uncle Tommy.
Come here.
- Oh! - [laughs.]
Damn it! Right in the balls! What is wrong with you, boy? [doorbell rings.]
[door sensor beeps.]
- Nope.
- No, no, no.
- Crystalynn, no.
- Don't shut the door.
We came to say that we're sorry.
[beeps.]
I would like to apologize to you.
And we even brought you a little gift.
I'd sooner unwrap an Edible Arrangement from the Unabomber.
You do it.
A "What Happens at Grandmaw's Stays at Grandmaw's" onesie.
ALL: Aw Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
This feels so good.
Oh, y'all, please come in for a minute.
- Really? Are you sure? - Betty, I am.
Everybody, this is my good friend Betty Hart and her gorgeous daughter Jenny Hart.
Now y'all come here and meet my grandangel, Tristen Poole Henderson.
- JENNY: I could eat him.
- Aw, me, too.
Eat him up.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna eat him.
Ooh, I'll get it.
- Oh! Smell his head.
- [sniffs.]
Oh, heaven.
Sheer heaven.
[all sniffing.]
Oh yes.
I think Baby Tristen Poole Henderson just got his first lesson in forgiveness.
ALL: Aw [lock clicks.]
Vi, I'm sorry for how out of hand we got.
We're-we're done with all that and we apologized to Crystalynn.
Well, if you did do that, then I'm proud of you, Mom.
Thank you for helping us come to our senses.
So glad we finally squashed that beef.
Maybe you squashed it, but I marinated it and doused it in ketchup.
And then I threw it to a wolf and then I hunted that wolf and then I skinned it and ate it raw.
Mother, what are you talking about? [sips.]
The second I found out it was Crystalynn who yelled "trash twins," I knew it was revenge time.
And I knew I had to go "nucular.
" Phase one: stash refuse under Violet's old kiddie pool, including one overripe picnic watermelon.
Phase two: prop the Crystalynn head piñata against Violet's easel.
I knew she'd see it and confront you, Jenny.
I call this technique Activating the Child.
And you fell right in line, Vi.
Soon as Violet's preteen ire burned your butt like a laser, Jenny, phase three was in motion, for I needed you to gain us entrée into Crystalynn's with a sincere apology, which you did beautifully.
You were so high on your precious forgiveness that you didn't even notice the watermelon under my loosest peasant-cut blouse or the bundle of stinky trash in my tote.
And the Hollywood-style waterworks? Ha, I'm just that good.
Watch and learn, Myrtle Streebs.
[wailing.]
Once we were in, I knew I had to act fast.
Oh, I'll get it.
And I knew all the head huffing would cause Tristen Poole Henderson to lose his paci, giving me the perfect opportunity to slide that rotten watermelon right under his crib.
And if my calculations are correct, Crystalynn's sip and see flymageddon is starting right about now.
Get the baby! Get Tristen Poole Henderson! That is wow.
[slow clap.]
- That's pretty fantastic.
- Really, Violet? That is the epitome of childish, trashy behavior.
But Gram elevated it to an art form.
What happens at Grandmaw's stays at Grandmaw's.
Yahtzee!