Bonanza s01e05 Episode Script

Good morning, Marshal.
Morning.
Could you tell me where I can find the offices of your newspaper? Turn at the first street, about a half a block down.
You can't miss it.
Thank you kindly.
(jeering laughter) Hey.
Can I help you? Maybe the boy needs a hand.
Oh, the Cartwrights can take care of themselves.
Sounds like he's getting the worst of it.
Yeah, sounds like he is.
(jeering laughter) Looks like somebody in there is hard to convince.
Say, uh you are the marshal here, aren't you? That's right, stranger.
Well, shouldn't you go in there and break it up? I reckon not.
People in this town mind their own business.
Get out of the way.
HOSS: I'm telling you No business in that poker game.
Hoss, I told you to stay out of it! Listen, Little Joe.
Pa told me to take care of you and that's exactly what I aim to do.
Yeah, well, I can take care of myself.
Little Joe, you get up on that pony right now or else I'm just going to naturally clobber you.
Who's the big fella? Oh, him? He's another Cartwright.
I'm new in Virginia City.
So I noticed.
It's quite a town.
Who are the Cartwrights? Oh, I reckon you'll find that out soon enough.
Haven't asked you who you are, have I? No, that's right, you haven't.
Maybe you shouldn't ask so many questions.
Like I said, this is the kind of town where folks mind their own business.
(theme song playing) Whoa.
Hey, you! Hold this horse for me, my good man! Yes, sir.
I won't be long, my dear.
Mind telling me whose, uh, horse I'm holding, ma'am? Well, you haven't been around Virginia City very long! Couple of hours, that's all.
Judge Jeremy C.
Billington.
Oh, is that so? The "C" stands for Clarence.
Judge Jeremy Clarence Billington.
Judge Jeremy Clarence Billington? He's the judge here in Virginia City.
Yes, so I've noticed.
I'm his wife.
The judge says I'm a big help to him in his career.
Oh, I can see that for myself, ma'am.
"Virginia City Superior Court Judge's many friends "in Virginia City have prevai "have prevailed upon him to again seek office in the coming election as Judge of the Superior Court.
" Hmm Very nice.
There you are, my good man.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Minnie, how many times have I spoken to you about talking to strange men? Oh, I wasn't talking to him.
He was talking to me.
(chuckling) (clearing throat) Ya! If you're If you're trying to sell shares in your diggings, Old Timer, I'm not interested.
Well, as a matter of fact, you're looking at the most unsuccessful prospector that ever blistered his hands on a pick handle.
Then what brings you to a newspaper office? Your letter offering me a job.
What's your name, friend? Sam Clemens.
Sam Clemens! I figured as long as I was starving, I might as well do it sitting on my backside at a job I know something about.
You didn't strike it rich, huh? Good looking press.
No.
All I did was prove how little an Eastern tenderfoot knows about mining.
Sam, it's good to see you.
And I think you're going to like Virginia City.
Well, I've been, uh, studying some of the people.
How often do you publish? Every day.
Every day? In a little one-horse town of the Mississippi? Sam, the way we see it, the Mississippi is 2,000 miles east of Virginia City.
(laughing) Sam, you're looking at the only Bible the miners around here have any time to read.
And what if they can't read? Then they get someone who can read it to them.
I like that.
I think I'm going to like this town.
It's a city.
Virginia City.
Virginia City A noisy, rough lady with a lot of pride.
I think I'm going to like her.
(mule braying) Over here! What are you doing here, old man? Just eating my supper.
You mean drinking it, don't you? You be mighty careful of that campfire and as soon as you get through eating, you clear out of here.
I mean to, mister.
We've got a lot of cattle here on the Ponderosa.
If that fire got out of control, we'd be in trouble.
Reckon I know that.
Anyhow, I'm just passing through.
Well, the next time, you just go around, you hear? Come on.
High and mighty.
Think I ain't got no sense.
Telling me to put out a fire.
Them Cartwrights will get their comeuppance someday.
Must be the spirit of some Indian come back to earth.
Come on, Mule.
Let's get out of here.
BILL: Things aren't always just what they seem in this town, Sam.
I'm learning fast! The Cartwrights like to fight.
Judge Billington's word is law, and his wife Say, where did she come from, anyway? She was in the chorus of a traveling girlie show.
Oh, that figures.
You know, I, uh I might write a series of articles on the colorful citizens of Virginia City.
Which would land you in jail, or up on Boot Hill.
Let's get back to the paper.
Right.
Quite a lot of characters you got here.
What kind of things they like to read? Oh, anything, as long as you keep it humorous.
These men see death and disaster in the mines every day.
They want to read something that will make them laugh.
And make them forget that maybe tomorrow they'll be dead or broke or both.
That's right.
Well, it's about time you fellas got home.
What's new in town? Dead as a tomb, Pa.
Yeah.
Nothing happening.
Yeah? Hey.
(whinnying) Bunch of men camped in High Valley.
What are they doing there? I don't know.
Let's find out.
All right.
Come on, let's go.
(whinnying) All right, hurry it up.
There they come! Get that stuff in the wagon quick.
BEN: Now, what are you men doing here? Wait a minute, Cartwright.
We don't want any trouble.
You're trespassing on private property, Mister.
Well, you fellows own so much land around here, it's kind of hard to figure where your property ends and the rest of the world begins.
Well, if you have any trouble figuring it, Mister, we'll be happy to oblige you.
Oh, we're pulling out.
Yeah, what were you doing here in the first place? Doing a little sightseeing.
Thought one day you might want to sell off some of this land.
What have you got in the wagon? Just some prospecting equipment.
BEN: Oh, let's not hold them up, boys.
The man said they were moving on.
The next time you, uh you want to know where the rest of the world begins, you might try asking.
Mount up.
All right.
Ho.
(whinnying) Hey, wait a minute.
LITTLE JOE: What is it? Looks like some kind of surveying equipment.
Looks like them guys is lying when they said something about buying some land.
BEN: No, they're interested in land, all right.
I just don't think they're interested in buying any of it.
Uh, drinks are two bits, old-timer.
Oh.
Half a drink, maybe? I can't recommend it, but help yourself.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
That's mighty sociable of you, stranger.
Mighty sociable.
(laughs) I, uh I don't know you, do I? Nope.
Then how come you? Oh, let's just say that today I'm filled with the milk of human kindness.
Oh.
(sighs) That don't taste much like milk.
Or human kindness, either.
(giggles) I sure needed that one.
Covered a lot of territory today, huh? Oh, all the way from Ponderosa.
Ponderosa? I didn't know the Cartwrights allowed prospecting.
Well, they don't.
They run me off at high noon.
But they'll get their comeuppance.
I never saw a spirit dogging a place yet that trouble didn't bust out.
A what? A spirit.
This one lives in my trees.
It, uh it come out and watched me all the time I was fixing to leave.
Uh, who watched you? The-the spirit.
And, uh, what did the spirit look like? Oh.
Oh, it was, uh It was big and black and active as two tomcats on a back fence.
How big? Well, could have been about ten foot, maybe.
Uh-huh.
Maybe even more? Oh, could have been And wild, huh? Oh, wildest thing you ever saw.
Wilder than a Washoe zephyr! It flit from tree to tree with a manzanita bush in each hand and a waggin' tongue in its mouth.
Hmm.
That's what I call a man-sized spirit.
(laughs) "Reported to be 20 feet tall "and covered with long, black hair, "the Wild Man is said to flit from tree to tree, "carrying off cattle and picking his teeth with a wagging tongue.
" By all that's wonderful, whatever inspired this? Well, you said your readers liked a few laughs.
Just so no one questions your sources.
Well, I admit it's secondhand reporting, but my source was pretty reliable.
That is, until he had a couple of drinks under his belt.
And then he, uh, tended to exaggerate.
(laughing) Well, it's plain enough to see what they were up to.
You follow High Valley, bridge the Truckee and drop down the west slope.
A natural route for cutting a road right through our property.
A road or a railroad.
They intended to sneak in, make their survey and sneak out before anybody ever saw them.
The question is, why and for whom.
Ah Come quick! Come quick! Too many people! No, Hop Sing.
People everywhere! All over Ponderosa! Hop Sing, you got a bigger imagination than LITTLE JOE: Hey, Pa! Hey, Pa, you and Adam better get out here! There's people all over the place.
They've come to see the Wild Man.
Wh-What Wild Man? Look, right here in the Enterprise.
"Wild Man of Washoe Loose on Ponde" Now, what fool would put a thing like that in the paper?! Well, there's the name of the man who wrote it-- "Josh.
" Sam, take a look at this telegram.
The San FranciscoBugle: "Confirm Wild Man Story.
Flooded with inquiries.
" (chuckles) Big city newspaper, too.
Uh, which one of you fellows is Josh? Oh, that's sort of a pen name I use.
Uh, did you, uh, write this? The Wild Man story? Yeah, sure, I did.
How'd you like it, Mister, uh I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Cartwright, Adam Cartwright.
Oh, I'm Sam Clemens.
I haven't been in Virginia City very long.
And I'm afraid you're not gonna be around very much longer, Mr.
Clemens.
You see, this little, uh, contribution to literature brought 500 people tramping across the Ponderosa this morning.
As many as that? Yes.
They, uh, ruined a field of hay and scared the wits out of a herd of cows.
We had to rescue four of them out of the duck pond.
And my people are still trying to round up the rest of them.
Well, it was just a bit of sagebrush humor.
We We had no idea folks would take it seriously.
Yes, well, I want a retraction of the, uh, Wild Man Story to keep these fools off our land.
Oh, I'm afraid that's kind of hard to do, Mr.
Cartwright.
You see, I got the story from a very reliable source.
Then you leave me no choice.
I presume you know how to handle a gun? Oh, now, hold on, Mr.
Cart Uh, I haven't got any gun.
Well, maybe you're pretty good with your fists, huh? Why, sure! When I was, uh, steamboating on the Mississippi, a fellow didn't like me very much.
We had quite a fight until I tripped over a rope.
Course, he outweighed me by about five pounds.
Uh, come to think of it, uh, I sort of hate to mess up these new clothes I just bought.
Couldn't we, uh, settle this a little more peaceably? Are you trying to make a fool out of me? Now, I want that retraction in tomorrow's newspaper.
Well, you're making this a little difficult.
You see, the Enterprise never apologizes for stories it prints.
It's, uh, kind of a policy.
I see.
Well, maybe I can help change that policy.
Now, you understand about that retraction? Y-You'll get your, uh, you'll get your retraction, Mr.
Cartwright.
Thank you.
You all right, Sam? Whoo! I kind of like those Cartwrights.
(horse neighs) You, in there! That's a box canyon! There's no way out! (horse neighing) Get down from there! Hey, Pa! Hey, Pa, here comes Adam.
Got somebody across his horse.
Maybe it's that Josh fellow.
Who've you got there? Found this boy roaming the hills.
Is he all right? He's all right.
Take him to the wash house, let Hop Sing wash him up.
C'mon.
C'mon, boy.
Seems to me this Josh fellow had you buffaloed, Adam.
Well, what are you gonna do when a man won't fight? What kind of a man is he, a coward? I don't know.
Anyway, he promised to print a retraction.
Well, I certainly hope he does.
We don't want some fool reporter printing stories that'll send more people out here.
It's hard enough as it is to keep an eye out for strangers.
Now, listen, boys, I want you to be careful.
Don't ride out by yourselves anymore.
If someone is going to pull a land grab on us, they can't hide their hand much longer.
(door opening) (speaking Chinese) Hop Sing quit! Too much foolishment! What's the matter with you? Work hard, make a fine supper, wash dish, no time for foolishment! Now, just settle down, Hop Sing.
We got enough trouble around here already.
You got trouble? Hop Sing got the foolishment! Give boy, you say wash up clean Boy? Ain't no boy around here.
Oh, Adam found some lad wandering around.
So, what'd you do with him, Hop Sing? Him no boy.
Him girl! What?! You go look, see, please! Well, Adam, if you don't know a boy from a girl Shut up! Where is he, I mean, she? Still in the wash house.
Well, bring her in here! No can do, Boss.
Burn up clothes.
All very bad shape.
You know, I think I'd better see what I can do about this.
Maybe you just better stay right where you are.
(Little Joe laughing) Good luck, Adam! You, in there! Put this on and come on out.
I tell you I found him-- her-- in the brush and that's all I know.
Yeah, well, you should've asked me, Adam.
I could've told you it was a girl.
(laughing) What are we gonna to do with her? Well, we'll get rid of her.
This way, Missy.
Hello.
Won't you sit down? What's your name, child? Why did you run away from me? Ain't you got no folks, no relatives? Perhaps, perhaps you'd rather not talk until morning.
No.
I think you're friends.
(sighing) My name is Rosemary Lawson.
My father and I left San Francisco to come to Virginia City by wagon.
My father was a school teacher.
But he wanted to look for silver.
We didn't have any trouble until we got into the mountains.
Then, one night, we were camped near the Truckee River.
It was very beautiful there and we were very happy.
We sat by the fire and Daddy sang some old songs to me.
Then I went to bed in the wagon.
Later, I was awakened by pistol shots.
I looked out and there were strange men in camp.
They'd killed my father! (crying) Um, I think you've, uh, you've talked enough for tonight, Rosemary.
Hop Sing, see that you get some hot food and, uh, prepare that room at the end of the bunkhouse.
You rest well.
(door shuts) Remember that filly colt we found in the upper pasture last spring after some skunk of a hunter killed its mammy? Yeah, I remember.
She was scared to death, too.
Took us all day long to run her down.
They did more to her than kill her father.
* All right, who are you and what are you doing here? I'm Dr.
Ephriam Lovejoy.
I represent, sir, a group of distinguished scientists.
Scientists Adam, what's in that wagon? Some kind of steel hooks.
Grappling hooks.
I'm going to fish for the body in the lake.
The body? What are you talking about? Well, the body of the Wild Man, of course.
Didn't you read about it in the Territorial Enterprise? I expect to get off an immediate report to my scientific group.
What does it say, Pa? "The Wild Man of Washoe is dead.
"His body having been consigned to the waters of Lake Tahoe, "it will now sink to a depth of "motionless, encased in a block of ice, "while the pressure encountered reduces it to the stature of a child.
" I thought they was gonna print a retraction.
Yeah, some retraction you've got, Adam.
Surely, gentlemen, for scientific reasons That article was written by a lying newspaper reporter named Josh.
Now, head that buggy back towards Virginia City and fast! And put out the fire! (horse neighs) Well, Adam, it looks like you got your retraction.
Josh killed off the Wild Man.
Well, the next time I'm in town, I think I'll pay this Josh fellow a little visit.
(grunts) And I tell you, my friends, that never in the history of Virginia City has there been a greater need for a guardian of the rights of the working man.
Right.
The miners who are putting the name Virginia City on the map.
And those rights will be guarded.
Now then, gentlemen, step up to the bar.
The drinks are on me.
(excited chatter) Drink up, boys.
It's on the judge.
MINNIE: Yes, sir.
There's two ways of winning an election.
One's by going around making speeches.
And the other's by sitting still and making friends.
Friend, here's mud in your eye.
Well, I remember you.
And I remember you, Mrs.
Billington.
Friend, see you on election day.
I, uh, didn't invite you to sit down.
Thank you anyway.
Your very good health, ma'am.
And to the election of Jeremy C.
Billington.
You didn't come here to buy my vote.
Well, he's the best man, isn't he? And what I always say-- let the best man win.
Don't you worry about it.
My husband always wins.
You know, Mrs.
Billington, it's a funny thing about elections and contests of any kind.
You never really know how they're gonna work out.
Now, back a couple of months ago, I was in California.
Place called Calaveras County.
And the folks there seemed to think that they wanted to hold a sort of a-a little, uh frog-jumping contest? Yeah, I heard about it.
You're the fellow thinks up all that junk.
Signs himself Josh.
Well, I, uh, wouldn't exactly call it junk, ma'am.
All right.
What would you call it? Well, uh, I'd call it some, uh, pretty fancy writing.
Take my word for it-- it's junk.
Well, maybe you're right at that.
Smart fellow like you shouldn't ought to be wasting his time writing, or any other kind of silly stuff like that.
(chuckles) Well, uh, what should I ought to do? You see, I tried prospecting.
I couldn't make a dime.
Prospecting.
That's almost as bad as writing.
There's a lot better ways of making a pile than going out in the hills digging for it.
(laughs) Yes, I guess there are.
Now, you take politics.
There's a big future in politics.
Well, there there has been one for the last, uh No, I mean, right here, in Nevada.
Fellow like you could go places in Nevada.
Well, you see, there are a few places I'd rather see first.
Oh, what kind of places you talking about? Oh, uh, London, Paris, Rome.
You see, uh, when you're from Missouri, you've got to get out and take a good look at the world.
Well, whatever for? Oh, to understand your own home town, the friends you had when you were a child, sailing down the Mississippi on a raft, and Oh, you know, all kinds of junk like that.
Believe me, you won't make a dime doing that, either.
The money's out here in Nevada.
Like, uh, when you get elected judge? What's wrong with being elected judge? Oh, nothing, except the way it's done.
You may be able to buy some votes with this, but, uh, you won't be able to buy what we print in the Enterprise.
One way or another, my husband's going to be elected judge.
Isn't that, uh, sort of up to the voters? Well, I'll, uh, see you on election day, ma'am.
Oh, and just for the record, Mrs.
Billington, I may never make a dime writing all that junk, but, uh, here's one vote that's sort of hard to buy.
And I like to pay for my own drinks.
(sighs) Sam, I need a filler for page three.
You know, something short and snappy.
Yeah, I know.
Give 'em a few laughs, huh? What's eating you? Oh, I don't know, Bill.
I guess I'm getting a little tired of writing sagebrush humor.
But you write this kind of stuff so well.
Well, that's just it-- it's-it's stuff.
I like humorous writing, but I like to say something along with it.
You make the miners laugh.
That's the important thing.
It is? How about making them think for a change, huh? About what? Well, the election, for instance.
About the Right Honorable Jeremy C.
Billington.
I don't think anybody in Virginia City knows there's another man running for judge.
Well, there's Henry Walker, of course.
He runs against Jeremy every time and always loses.
People are getting pretty used to electing Billington judge, aren't they? Yes, I guess by now they are.
Then why is he spending so much money on his campaign this time, hmm? Now that you mention it, it is kind of unusual.
Yeah.
So are those Paris gowns that Minnie Billington wears.
Miners are so busy looking at her low necklines, they forget who's paying for them.
Are you afraid the Enterprise won't print any story you happen to dig up? You know, I had a little bet with myself that you'd go along with me? Sam, this is a newspaper, not a comic strip.
You come up with a story, and the Enterprise will print it.
Just as long as I sign it? Just as long as you sign it.
All right.
Well, let me see, uh Let's get out of here.
(calling to horses) Ya! Ya! (two gunshots) (calling to horse) (indistinct shouting) (gunfire continues) (groans) Just a crease.
He ain't hurt bad.
You'd better have a good story this time, Mister.
I've got nothing to say.
Well, you better think of something quick.
Why take it out on me? The man you want is back in Virginia City.
Get his horse.
Whoa.
Ah, my dear, today you are the epitome of feminine pulchritude.
Don't you talk dirty to me, Jeremy Billington.
(stammers) (laughs) I won't be long, my dear.
You Daniel Lash? What's the meaning of this? We'll ask the questions.
Gentlemen, I wouldn't like to cite you into my court for threatening.
You, sit down.
We didn't come here to threaten anyone.
We came here to warn you.
Now, you stay away from us, Lash.
There'll be no land grab on the Ponderosa.
ADAM: Next time your men start shooting at us, we won't be bringing them back to you alive.
What do you think happened? I, uh, think railroad stocks took a little drop.
It just doesn't make sense, Pa.
Why would they bypass the main railroad line just in order to cut across the Ponderosa? of prime timber and grazing land.
That's reason enough, isn't it? Why, the railroad people could grab that much land just by checkerboarding a right-of-way across our property.
Well, by checkerboarding, they could seal off every other square mile of land.
That's right.
Yeah, but, Pa, would any court in the land approve a right-of-way that ain't nothing but a front for a land grab? Not unless they got to a judge.
Hey, you mean Judge Billington? I don't think it was any coincidence at all that we found the judge in Lash's office.
I wouldn't put it past the old scallywag.
(door opens) ROSEMARY: Is anything wrong? LITTLE JOE: Hey, Adam.
Hey, take a look at what happened to that little boy you found.
BEN: Well! (laughs) Well, you sure look pretty.
Thank you.
You know, I don't understand how I made such a big mistake.
That Hop Sing's a pretty good outfitter.
Oh, he bought a lot more than I need.
I don't know how to thank all of you.
Well Somebody come here.
Ride up on a mule.
That's all we need.
Another scientific expedition.
Rosemary, let's find out who this is.
It's that newspaper reporter.
Afternoon.
We, uh we printed the retraction about the Wild Man.
So we noticed.
Uh, would you care to meet him? Wouldn't that be a little hard to do? After all, it was just something I sort of dreamed up.
Well, Mr.
Clemens, I think you should be given the opportunity of meeting the Wild Man.
Here she is.
You mean, she's a? HOSS: That's right, Mr.
Clemens.
There's your Wild Man.
bush in each hand and a waggin' tongue in her mouth.
(laughter) Well, I don't know what they're talking about, Miss, but you're the prettiest Wild Man I ever did see.
Thank you.
Mr.
Clemens, to what do we owe this visit? Well, for one thing, I thought you ought to know there are warrants out for your arrest.
Warrants? Well, I, uh I think we ought to talk about this inside.
Rosemary, tell Hop Sing we'll have a guest for dinner.
Here, I'll take your mule.
Thank you.
Come on.
Mr.
Clemens, I homesteaded the Ponderosa, fought Indians and drove off outlaws.
I'm not going to let Lash or anybody else grab my land.
Well, if the railroad got a legal right-of-way and checkerboarded the Ponderosa with land holdings, what would you do then? Fight.
We've got guns, ammunition, and friends.
You can't fight the law with guns.
I don't think you have the proper respect for guns, Mr.
Clemens.
But you'd be surprised how many people have.
Oh, I got a lot of respect for guns.
Good balance.
The thing is that sometimes you get right smack dab into a fight that you can't settle with guns.
Or with, uh, fists.
That's right.
Now, if our hunch is correct, everything depends on defeating Billington in the election so he won't sell out to the railroad.
Looks to me like we ought to get started then before the election.
You can't defeat a politician with guns, but you might be able to with laughter.
You mean, laugh him out of town? Something like that.
Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.
Well, I don't know, Mr.
Clemens.
I think I'd have to put my money on the sword.
Yeah, if I was up against that crowd, I I think I'd count on my guns.
Well, wait a minute, boys.
Sam, if you want to fight this thing out with your pen, well, that's up to you.
But we'll be around with our guns to help you if you need us.
Fair enough.
You know, I sure would like to know how you're gonna go about it.
Just keep reading the Territorial Enterprise.
(indistinct conversations) "Professor Personal Pronoun Runs For Office in Virginia City"-- by Josh.
"Jeremy C.
Billington, friend of the miner, "the mill worker and the back alley dog, "spoke at a political rally last night.
"Most of the speech was devoted to the nobility "of Mr.
Billington himself.
"An alarming number of sentences "began with the pronoun 'I', "which qualifies the Judge as a professor "on the subject of personal pronouns.
"During the discourse, it was possible for this reporter "to discover that the professor is against sin, gravy on the vest, and overflowing water closets.
" Hey, this fellow Josh gets right to the seat of the trouble, don't he? I guess our friend Josh knows what he's doing, after all.
Josh claims Professor Personal Pronoun will provide more free air, stronger zephyrs, taller mine mules.
He's making a fool of you! That doesn't mean a thing! I'll beat Henry Walker by 3,000 votes! Billington, I've got too big a hand in this game to take chances! No quack newspaper reporter is going to stand between me and the Ponderosa.
(thud, Sam groaning) Doesn't look too bad.
Well, you had enough? No, Bill.
Billington's got to be beaten for the good of everyone in Virginia City.
I think I might just have the story that'll do it.
Sam?! Sam! I want to see Judge Billington.
I think the Judge has retired.
That's all right, he's expecting me.
(knocking continues) MINNIE: Who is it? I'm from Lash's office.
It's about time.
Is it in gold? Yes, it's gold, all right.
We had to collect it from one of the gambling places.
That's why I was late.
Well, let me see it.
Let me see it! (loud jangling) "and there she stood, nightgown torn right off (clamoring excitedly) "Gold pieces six inches deep around the prettiest bare feet in Virginia City.
" Wish I could've seen that! Oh! (chuckling) Uh "Money may be the root of all evil, but a lady without a nightgown sure takes the curse off it.
" Oh! Oh, and how! "Maybe Mr.
Daniel Lash's foreman has a case pending "in Professor Personal Pronoun's Court.
"But if he has, we're sure this was just his tribute to feminine beauty.
" (chuckling) Beating up that reporter didn't stop him from writing more stories.
Well, there's one way we can stop him from ever writing another line.
That might be better all around.
He won't amount to much as a writer anyway.
I can make sure of that.
Get him out of my way, permanently.
My friends My friends, in this election, do not allow yourselves to be tricked by the special interests spearheaded by a libelous newspaper determined to overthrow the will of the common people.
If I am elected, we will drive these thieves of liberty out of Virginia City and once more, every man will be a king and every woman a queen.
(crowd laughing) With deuces wild? My friends, my friends! Get up.
My friends! Try anything and people get hurt.
My friends, I believe in fair play.
That's my motto, fair play.
What do you charge for it, Billington, huh? My friends, my friends, do not believe the lies perpetrated by a man who refuses to sign his own name to his articles, but insists on being called "Josh.
" (gunshots) My friends, my friends, listen to me! (gunshots) You've known me all your lives, my friends.
Oh, shut up.
Your friends, my eye.
Let's get out of here! Where's Sam Clemens? He's covering the political rally.
Aren't you folks taking a big chance, coming into town? Apparently not as much of a chance as Sam Clemens.
We heard he was beaten up.
Didn't stop him, he's still going strong.
Yeah, but how long can he keep on taking it? (gunshots) HENCHMAN: Come over here! (gunshots) You need some help.
That must've been quite a rally! I gotta get this story on the presses.
All right, now! Got to get this story out.
Sounds like you started a riot! What happened? Read about it in your next edition.
Adam, Joe, you're next.
Go! Knock off a fast proof, will you? (horse neighs) Hey, Josh, I sure am anxious to read that story.
Josh.
That's what's wrong! LITTLE JOE: What's wrong? I knew it all along.
It just wasn't right.
Hey, don't stop writing! Come on, finish it! For Pete's sake, Sam, finish the story! Come on! Hoss! C'mon, go that way.
You know, Joe, when I was a boy living on the banks of the Mississippi, I used to dream about becoming a river pilot someday.
Well, dream about it some other time.
(gunshots) Hurry up with that darn story! Hoss, watch the back door! Josh, get down! You'd have to live on the Mississippi to know what it's really like.
The way those big old boats come down the river, the leadsman standing out there on the bow, taking the depth and singing it out to the pilot on the bridge.
On a summer evening, it, uh, has the sound of music.
Music? You don't get that story finished, the only thing you're gonna hear is a funeral march.
I can still hear it.
"Mark four!" "Mark three!" "Quarter less three!" "Half twain!" "Quarter twain!" "Mark Twain!" (grunting) Joe, I've got it! You sure almost did get it, Mr.
Clemens.
No, you don't understand.
I mean, I've finally found my name.
Ain't your name Samuel Clemens? No, Hoss, I mean my pen name.
Mark Twain.
That means river running clear, two fathoms of water beneath the keel.
That's what river men call real clear sailing.
Everything's pretty clear around here right now, Mr.
Clemens.
I don't know about that name, Mark Twain.
Seem to me like I've heard a lot better names than that before.
You sure that's a fitting name for a writer? (chuckling): Well, I don't know, Hoss.
We'll just have to give it a try.
You got the finish of that story, Sam? Everything but the byline.
Sign it-- "Mark Twain.
" Mark Twain? Well, it's better than Josh.
What happened to Samuel Clemens? I guess we've seen the last of Sam Clemens.
You know something? I like it.
Mark Twain.
Mark Twain.
(indistinct shouting, cheering) Here she is, Sam, hot off the press.
"Professor Personal Pronoun Won't be Around Anymore.
" (crowd laughing) By Mark Twain.
That was quite a fight, Sam.
Yeah, I guess you were right at that, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Anytime you wanna visit Virginia City again, you just write us and let us know.
And be sure to sign it "Mark Twain" so we know who it is.
Bye, Sam! I sure will.
I'll sign it-- "Mark Twain.
" (all saying good-byes) (all cheering)