Boomers (2014) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 (# SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES: The Tears Of A Clown) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Ripped By mstoll Now, if there's a smile on my face #lt's only there trying to fool the public But when it comes down to fooling you Now, honey, that's quite a different subject Humphrey de Bohun, the 3rd Earl of Essex, was killed at the Battle of Boroughbridge, 1322.
A pikeman concealed beneath a bridge skewered him through the anus.
Apparently his dying screams turned the enemy advance into a panicked retreat.
Every cloud, eh? Are you still on for moving Joan out tomorrow? - Oh, yeah.
No problem.
- Good.
I've hired the van out.
I haven't driven a van for years.
It's going to be great fun.
Tinged with sadness, obviously.
Oh, yeah.
Obviously.
Joan looking forward to the big move tomorrow? Into the care home? She's not doing many cartwheels.
Nice for your sister to see her again, though.
First time in months.
Is she still with that Egyptian guy? Hanif? That was years ago.
Turned up on the doorstep with him out the blue one Christmas.
Couldn't speak a word of English.
Worst game of Boxing Day charades ever, that was.
This country has a fascinating history, though, doesn't it? A proud history.
We haven't been invaded for 1,000 years.
Well, coming up to 1,000.
- Yeah.
- We reach that mark in 2066.
It's a shame we won't be there to see it.
Yeah, it's always been one of my great regrets.
You all right, Bob? Golden, mate.
Absolutely golden.
(COUGHS) I'm just going to push him over to the till.
He's expressed an interest in one of the Anne Boleyn fridge magnets.
Still a bit of the old devil in there, eh, Bob? - Poor old sod.
He looks done in.
- Yeah, it's good for him.
They haven't got enough staff at his care home to take everyone out regularly.
If it wasn't for this befriending scheme, he'd be stuck inside all week.
Brilliant.
No, it's good, isn't it? It's good that they can get out and about.
Makes you wonder what he's done to deserve Trevor, though.
I mean, we can walk away.
It's a big thing, isn't it, moving into full-time residential care? I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for her.
I've booked us a lovely posh lunch tomorrow to celebrate.
- Yeah.
- Well, not celebrate.
- No.
- To mark the occasion.
Yeah, exactly.
You're just marking it.
I'm worried it's all going to be too much for her.
It's a very tight schedule.
Well, she has to be out of her sheltered accommodation by midday because the warden has got the next occupant arriving then, and we've still got to sort all her stuff out, you know, what she's taking, what we're leaving.
Oh, it's an absolute nightmare, Joy.
A nightmare.
You going to come and give us a hand? I'd only be in the way.
No, everyone's mucking in.
Alan's coming.
Oh, is he? Yeah.
Come on! We'll all have a laugh, except Mum, obviously.
Well, I would be there with you, Maureen, but I'm waiting in for the gas man tomorrow.
Boiler's playing up.
Well, maybe you can come over once they've been.
Have they given you a morning or afternoon slot? - All day.
- Oh.
Well, usually morning or afternoon, isn't it? Usually.
Bob's nice, isn't he? Trevor's really into his Age UK charity stuff.
They dress up at Christmas and put on little shows for them at the residential home.
Usually goes down well.
Although last year they did a bit of a panto, Aladdin.
Trevor was Wishy Washy, and one of them thought he was a Japanese prison guard and tried to strangle him with a serviette.
They have flashbacks, don't they? Yeah.
What do you mean? Hello, boys.
Hello.
All right, John? Haven't seen much of you today.
Have you been avoiding me? Don't know about you boys, but I'm done in.
My feet are killing me.
If I'd known we'd be trekking around old ruins all day, I'd have brought my sensible shoes.
I thought we were going back to see those flagons of mead.
All right, Mum, we'll get to the mead in a minute.
Funny choice for her last day of freedom, though, innit? I mean, coming here? What's the attraction? Other than a fantastic little teashop with 1,000 years of history attached? Well, anyway, we're going soon, aren't we? Otherwise Maureen's not going to get her afternoon nap.
All right, darling.
She's very hands on, isn't she? She's a nutcase.
I wasn't going to say anything, but I could tell something was awry.
She never gets any of my jokes.
She's always been the same, especially after a couple of white wine spritzers.
You don't want to be anywhere near her on New Year's Eve come midnight.
I've had tongues and all.
Oh, yeah.
And Christmas? Dear, oh, dear.
Do you know, we haven't had mistletoe in our house since 1974? - That's sexual harassment.
- It is.
You've been objectified, John, treated as a sexual object.
I think it's the way you dress, mate.
That is extremely provocative.
He's asking for it, isn't he? (MOUTHS) I know how you're feeling.
I've had similar problems with in-laws crossing that line between displaying affection and being overtly sexual.
Course.
Carol's got a couple of sisters, hasn't she? It wasn't her sisters.
It was her dad.
He was dealing with a lot of issues towards the end.
JOYCE: What are we doing tomorrow? - Tomorrow? - Yeah.
What had we got arranged for tomorrow? - Shopping? - No.
No.
Not shopping.
Er We'd arranged for the estate agent to come round.
- That's it.
- So can you help me get the house ready? - Yeah.
- Except you can't, because you've told Maureen you'll help them move Joan.
- I forgot.
- I don't want to talk to the estate agent by myself.
Look, I told you, we don't have to move.
We're rattling around in that place.
We could do with downsizing.
What to, a Lego house? Lee and Suze still haven't brought that baby up to see us yet, Alan, and I'm telling you, that situation isn't going to change.
She's putting up barriers.
She's not putting barriers up.
Alan, you don't understand.
A daughter-in-law can turn against you.
My friend Linda from work, she was baby-sitting her grandson at her daughter-in-law's house.
All she did was move the furniture round a little bit in the living room because her daughter-in-law had got some things in the wrong place.
She's never seen that kid since.
If you want to be involved in your grandchild in any way, you're going to have to think about moving down there.
It's as simple as that.
Joy! Mum's worried about moving tomorrow.
- Hi, Joan.
- Hello.
Tell her she's worried about nothing.
She won't know.
She hasn't seen the place.
Joyce has seen the place, Mum.
Joy, you've seen it, haven't you? Oh Oh, it looks fantastic.
It's so plush, isn't it? It'll be like living in a five-star hotel.
If you ever put me in one of those places, Alan, I'll make you sorrier than you've ever been.
When are you going to get your hair done properly, Mau? I've been telling her for months to have her hair cut.
She won't listen to me.
I had mine done in Gran Canaria last month.
Always surprised how soft a man's fingers can feel on your hair.
Well, you're not used to feeling them on your head, are you? I worry about you travelling to these places on your own.
Men in Muslim countries are drawn to Western women.
They follow them around in bazaars.
It's not a Muslim country.
Yeah, but you've still got your looks, Pauline, and in an Islamic environment you're like a red rag to a bull.
You'd be all right.
They wouldn't touch you.
Thanks, Mum(!) - Not with John around.
- Hmm.
And certainly not with your hair like that.
(# WILSON PICKETT: In The Midnight Hour) #I'm gonna wait till the midnight hour # Christ! What are you doing, Pauline? I like having a bath in the dark.
It's relaxing.
- Is it? - John? Jesus! What are you creeping around for, Maureen? - What's the matter? - It's just Have you got any of that moisturiser for when I get out, Maureen? I've used mine up.
Got as far as my thighs last night and ran out.
Not used to rubbing it in myself, you see.
I'll see if I can find you a vat.
She's driving me mad with her antics.
I swear she gets worse as she gets older.
Doesn't it bother you? All that pouting and sticking her bits out? No, no.
Washes right over me.
She's winding Mum up, asking questions about the home all the time.
'"Have they got satellite? '" '"Is there an en suite? '" ' "Is there a lake? '" You're doing the right thing.
Just because Pauline has come breezing in She doesn't have to look after your mum every day, does she, eh? You're the one who's having to put up with all the stress.
You mustn't feel guilty about it.
I don't feel guilty about it.
Not guilty.
I don't mean guilty.
What I mean is, you know, you shouldn't think you've failed to care for her, because you haven't.
And ' "failed'" is the wrong word as well, yes.
You see, what you've actually done is you've actually succeeded in finding her a more you know, um Do you want a cup of tea? (# DONOVAN: Sunshine Superman) Sunshine came softly through my window today You off on your jolly? It's not going to be fun, Joyce.
Hey, this place looks amazing.
You've done a great job, Joyce.
Look at that tap.
Just be back in time for the estate agent.
I don't want to be talking to her on my own.
What shall I say to John and Trevor? - About what? - About the estate agent.
Don't say anything.
- What if they ask? - I don't want people thinking we're moving.
Well, you said we were just testing the water, getting it valued.
Yeah, and I don't want them to think we're getting it valued, either.
The only reason you get your house valued - is if you're worried about money.
- But And I don't want them feeling sorry for us.
Remember that time they wanted to go to St Tropez, and we said it was too expensive? And John wanted to pay for the flights and the accommodation, and I said no.
Remember how you felt then? Gutted.
Embarrassed.
- And embarrassed.
- I just don't want their pity.
- I won't say a word.
- (CAR HORN BEEPS) Oh, I'd better get going.
I think I'll just get myself something to eat on the way.
Don't touch that, Alan! That's estate agent bread.
And the same goes for the coffee.
This place has got to be perfect, spotless, smelling of nothing but bread, coffee and maybe a little bit of ammonia.
You eat that bread, Alan, you are jeopardising our grandchild's future.
(CAR HORN BEEPS) You go off and have a bit of fun.
Look, I told you, Joyce, it's not going to be fun.
It's going to be hard work.
Sometimes, you know, we have to make sacrifices for our friends.
Hey, Al, you've got to have a go in this van.
It's got a rear-view camera, and everything Joyce.
ALAN: Oh, it's Carol! It's Carol.
Hello, Joyce.
Hi.
You know, Joan's move got me thinking about all the stuff we've got up in our loft, and I thought you might want this.
I'll be 20 minutes, if that.
It's only Carol.
- ALAN: And Bob.
- BOB: Hello.
How's it going? Golden, mate.
I feel absolutely golden.
- CAROL: Oh, thanks, John.
- All OK, then.
The thing is, Carol He's no trouble.
Just pop him out by the pond.
I I just need disabled access to your loo, which means, if I'm being honest with myself, does need to be less than 15 seconds away.
It's exciting, isn't it? A new baby coming to visit all the time, and we'll all be here to help out.
I still don't feel old enough to be a grandma.
Don't be silly, Joyce.
Of course you are.
Are you making fresh bread? I'll have a sandwich.
But but don't spread it out there, please, Carol.
Hold the sandwich.
I think I'm going to have to clear the decks first.
Really is a very good care home you're going to.
As long as they've got Pinot Noir on tap in all the rooms, I'm not fussed.
And how are you? Everything OK? I'm good.
Sometimes it's harder on the carers.
No, I'm fine.
You're doing the right thing.
I know.
What you mustn't do, in situations like this, is think that anybody here is judging you because they are absolutely not doing that.
You hear lots of stories about problems with care homes, you know, neglect, residents lying in soiled bedding, physical abuse, but you've just got to ignore them.
What you mustn't think is that you are sentencing your mother to spending her last years in a living hell because you almost certainly aren't.
Careful with all that.
There's some good stuff in there.
Don't worry, we'll look after it.
Is this all going back to yours? It's going on the tip.
Wish I was coming on the jolly boys' outing.
Is there room for a girl up there? I can squeeze in next to John.
(ALAN LAUGHS) Do you feel dirty? This is good, innit? How long has it been since we all sat down, had a good sort out? As long as it doesn't upset her.
The warden's giving me the hurry-up already.
Oh, remember this one? It's me and you on the beach.
That's Llandudno, innit? Oh, it was a lovely holiday.
Such a special time.
Yeah, and it peed down with rain all week.
Yeah, but we went there every year, didn't we? And it peed down every time.
Look.
It's you and Dad on the pier.
Big smile on your face.
Must have been happy there.
I was.
We were going home that day.
Yeah, well, Dad liked it.
He looks like he's happy in all of them.
Course he does.
He'd just started drinking again.
- How are you getting on? - It's emotional.
So many memories.
It was the beginning of the end, that was.
I tell you what, Mum.
You don't need to go through all this, do you? Why don't we let Pauline run you over to Joyce's? Oh! She's got to decide what she wants to take with her.
Everything in here has got memories attached that we don't know anything about.
Look at that chair she's sat in.
It means nothing to us, but it might remind her of all sorts of special things.
It reminds me of my uncle Ted.
See? Why does it remind you of Ted? He died in it.
Mau, tell me where Joyce lives again.
(SIGHS) Poor Joan.
I think it's the right time for her to go in, though.
I mean, she's got to that stage, you know, the worry, the stress, the confusion.
I just need a break from it all.
And it's not cheap, either.
I couldn't face it.
I think when my time comes, I'll ask Maureen to shoot me.
Yeah, I'll let Joyce finish me off.
It's the least I can do for her.
What about you, Trev? Are you opting out of the care system? Maybe we could get a group booking at Dignitas, eh? Bit of discount.
What do you think? Fly off to Switzerland, bit of skiing, drop of Glühwein.
(WHISTLES) No, I've already chosen my care home.
Picked my own room and everything.
I'm quite looking forward to it.
You could be onto a good thing there, Trevor.
I knew an old boy once in a care home in Hitcham.
He said he'd never had so many women in his life.
Fighting them off with his stick, he was.
Swear to God.
Makes you think, doesn't it? I wonder how Carol's getting on with Bob.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Joyce.
He keeps rolling himself down to the pond.
What if he falls in? Are we covered on insurance? I'm trying to get rid of them but you know what Carol's like.
Just get back here, Alan.
Yeah, the estate agent is going to be here in ten minutes.
Oh, you're looking a little bit tired, Bob.
Are you ready to go home yet? I'm ready for anything.
Good as gold, love.
I know Emilia hasn't been to see you yet, but she will.
And these baby things are ever so useful.
There's a gym and a playpen and a sterilisation kit.
Oh, that will be useful.
But do you know what? I think Bob's a bit tired and probably wants to go home.
Look, he's waiting there by the door.
Oh I suppose I could take him somewhere else.
That's it.
Will you use all this stuff? Of course I will.
It means a lot to me that you've shared all these things with me.
(CLATTERING) Bye, Bob.
- Got room for one more? - Hello.
Because you see, of course, going back 100 years, we never needed care homes.
Nobody ever lived past 80.
Yes, and going back a few hundred years, nobody ever lived past 50.
We'd have all been dead already.
Imagine not having the last 20 years.
All the things we've seen and done in that time.
Yeah, although there's a couple of Christmases with Joyce's mum I could have done without.
It's all fine.
They can be in the garden.
- I can just show the house.
- What's that? We can all go in the garden.
No point being stuck inside, is there? - You're getting flustered, aren't you? - I'm not flustered.
Look, I know you're going through a very emotional time at the moment.
Everything's different for you, isn't it, with the new baby and all that.
Well, it does change things.
That's why I thought you'd understand what I'm going through.
See, I thought helping Trevor out with Bob would be a bit different.
I thought it was sharing an interest, but all it's doing is making me think what it'll be like looking after Trevor if he gets you know.
Well, with a bit of luck you'll be dead by then.
I think what John is saying is, taking genetics and economics into account, the three of us are among the most successful people on this planet.
Is that a fair assessment, John? That's it.
That's exactly right, Trev.
Well, I suppose if you put it like that I mean, there are people better off than us, though, aren't there? That is also true.
And there's plenty more worse off.
I mean, look at us.
We're doing all right, aren't we? We don't struggle for money.
We've got a good pension, and we're not having to sell off assets, unlike those poor buggers who are having to downsize.
- Oh, dreadful.
- Terrible.
- Pressure to sell.
- Money running out.
- Poor sods.
- Cancelling all your luxuries.
- Car, satellite TV.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine what that's like? I can't imagine it, John.
Neither can I.
Didn't you cancel your satellite subscription recently? No, I didn't cancel.
I switched.
Moved my package across.
Maureen tells me off if I do that.
You like fish? There's some lovely carp in there.
A little bird told me you were moving today.
Make your mind up.
Do you want to talk about fish, or do you want to talk about birds? Alan, is this yours? An estate agent's card.
Must have fallen out your pocket.
Oh, yeah.
We were just, um, you know, testing the water.
Where are you going? Well, we're just thinking about it at this stage.
Oh, Joyce wants to move nearer Suze? Eh? No.
What, you're joking, aren't you? Move all the way down there on Joyce's say-so? (SCOFFS) I don't think I'll be doing that.
Oh, well, you should have told us, Alan.
- Can't break up the team, Al.
- The three amigos.
You're making me want to leave now.
- Difficult settling somewhere new.
- At your age.
Learning all those new numbers.
I'm not going anywhere.
We're not moving, OK? OK.
So you're just getting a valuation.
Exactly No.
What's happened? Are you in trouble? No.
No trouble.
Listen, mate.
If you need help, just ask us.
He only has to ask, doesn't he, Trev? - Yeah, say the word.
- No, listen, it's fine, really.
It's just a complication with annuities, that's all.
- Oh, no.
- No, it's fine, really.
Alan.
Alan, look who you're talking to.
Trevor.
You're talking to Trevor.
- OK.
- I'm a financial advisor, Alan.
- Christ.
- Sort him out, Trev.
She's a bit off, isn't she? That Joyce! I was going to send her a Facebook invitation but she can stuff it now.
Oh, you've got rid of everything.
She's only got one room.
Seems a bit cruel.
It'd be stacked to the ceiling if we let her take everything.
Where's Mum going to fit in? Are you going to keep her wedged in her cabinet, like a giant piece of Capodimonte? If you want to talk about cruel, love, that's cruel.
I'm not doing this.
What do you mean, you're not doing this? I'll take her.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
No, Maureen.
If there's honestly no room in your seafront mansion for one old lady and a few memories, then I'll have her.
Pauline She's not going.
She won't survive inside.
It's a care home, Pauline.
It's not Holloway Prison.
She's not going to be attacked by lesbians with chivs in the shower.
Yeah, you see, if you'd come to me I'd have told you not to buy that annuity because it had unspecified minimum yield written all over it.
Look, it's going to be fine.
It's just in case, that's all.
There's absolutely no problem.
We are not in trouble.
- OK, mate.
- We are completely solvent.
- No, we understand.
- So, you know, thanks for the offer, but you don't need to worry about it, or even mention it.
- Sure.
- Seriously.
Don't mention it.
Joyce doesn't know? - No, she doesn't know.
- Understood.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah? What? Why? Right.
Bye.
What's up? That was Maureen.
She said bring it all back.
What for? Joan is moving in with us.
(# CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Bad Moon Rising) #I see a bad moon rising #I see trouble on the way # OK, happy now? She's coming to live with me.
That's it.
Done.
Should have done it in the first place.
I think you should think through that decision.
Oh, give it a rest, love.
Still in charge, eh, Maureen? You do know why she's moving out of here? She attacked the warden.
We had some Wi-Fi issues in the block.
I tried to reboot her router and she hit me with her tablet PC device.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that aggressive behaviour can be a symptom of other problems which need to be addressed.
I know.
I'd have hit her as well.
They've got a hydro-bath.
I suppose it might be nice.
A care home is like anything else, my love.
It's what you make of it.
If you go in there looking to enjoy yourself, you'll have the time of your life.
I mean, look at me.
When I went inside, I made some good friends, I've eaten well and I've been to see some good shows.
My only regret was that I didn't go in earlier.
So as long as I don't have to share.
I've seen Big Brother.
I don't want any of that hot-tub action.
Carol.
Carol! He's stopped breathing.
#lt's getting dark, too dark to see # (SIREN BLARES) # I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door # - (DOOR BELL RINGS) - Mrs Mitchell, I'm from KC Walters, the estate agent's.
Is this a good time? (MACHINE BEEPING) Not really.
# Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door # Nice posh lunch, Maureen.
It's better than going out, mucking with friends, innit, Joy? Yeah, perfect.
All right if I put this curry sauce on the table? Yeah, stick it where you like, Maureen.
- I hear you had a funny turn.
- It's called sleep apnoea.
You stop breathing when you go to sleep.
See, that sounds serious to me.
I can't believe they let you befriend him in the first place.
If Joan hadn't given him mouth-to-mouth I don't know what we'd have done.
But otherwise, nice morning? Yeah.
Seeing baby stuff, felt a bit broody.
I bet What?! You know, for more grandchildren.
What did you think I meant? I don't know.
You know, you hear stories.
I mean, there was that woman in Italy, wasn't there, in the Guinness Book Of Records.
- I saw that.
- She was artificially inseminated.
She'd have to be.
Oh! I tell you, I'm exhausted, I really am.
I have literally not sat down all day.
Oh.
You don't have to come and stay with us, Mum.
You can go and live with Pauline and Phil if you want.
Look, Maureen Who's Phil? Oh, you'll like him, Mum.
He's not Egyptian.
Look, I know I'm old, but I'm not completely insane.
If I lived with Pauline I'd be dead within a week, and if I lived with you I'd go round the bend.
If I'm getting people to look after me, then I want people who know what they're doing.
- What are you having, Pauline? - I'm not having any.
Don't want an ickle tubby tummy like yours! Pauline, you're touching me inappropriately and you need to respect my personal boundaries.
I think I've upset John.
Can you put a good word in for me? Oh, very firm.
Go to the gym, Alan? Here's your saveloy, Joan.
She's changed her mind about the home, John, so it's back to the tip.
If you don't like the food in there, Joan, just give us a ring and we'll come and get you.
Or we'll get your new boyfriend to come and get you.
Do me a favour! I'm not that desperate.
I'm leaving him for Pauline.
What about the house? We'll never sell it.
We'll just die here, never having seen our grandchild again.
You're squashing my chips, love.
They didn't see the estate agent, that's the main thing, isn't it? Did you settle up for these? How much do we owe you, Maureen? Maureen, don't let them give you any money.
These two aren't paying for anything.
Not until I've sorted out their pension shortfall.
What? Ripped By mstoll Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more What you say? Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more Oh, woman, oh, woman Don't treat me so mean You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen #I guess if you said so #
A pikeman concealed beneath a bridge skewered him through the anus.
Apparently his dying screams turned the enemy advance into a panicked retreat.
Every cloud, eh? Are you still on for moving Joan out tomorrow? - Oh, yeah.
No problem.
- Good.
I've hired the van out.
I haven't driven a van for years.
It's going to be great fun.
Tinged with sadness, obviously.
Oh, yeah.
Obviously.
Joan looking forward to the big move tomorrow? Into the care home? She's not doing many cartwheels.
Nice for your sister to see her again, though.
First time in months.
Is she still with that Egyptian guy? Hanif? That was years ago.
Turned up on the doorstep with him out the blue one Christmas.
Couldn't speak a word of English.
Worst game of Boxing Day charades ever, that was.
This country has a fascinating history, though, doesn't it? A proud history.
We haven't been invaded for 1,000 years.
Well, coming up to 1,000.
- Yeah.
- We reach that mark in 2066.
It's a shame we won't be there to see it.
Yeah, it's always been one of my great regrets.
You all right, Bob? Golden, mate.
Absolutely golden.
(COUGHS) I'm just going to push him over to the till.
He's expressed an interest in one of the Anne Boleyn fridge magnets.
Still a bit of the old devil in there, eh, Bob? - Poor old sod.
He looks done in.
- Yeah, it's good for him.
They haven't got enough staff at his care home to take everyone out regularly.
If it wasn't for this befriending scheme, he'd be stuck inside all week.
Brilliant.
No, it's good, isn't it? It's good that they can get out and about.
Makes you wonder what he's done to deserve Trevor, though.
I mean, we can walk away.
It's a big thing, isn't it, moving into full-time residential care? I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for her.
I've booked us a lovely posh lunch tomorrow to celebrate.
- Yeah.
- Well, not celebrate.
- No.
- To mark the occasion.
Yeah, exactly.
You're just marking it.
I'm worried it's all going to be too much for her.
It's a very tight schedule.
Well, she has to be out of her sheltered accommodation by midday because the warden has got the next occupant arriving then, and we've still got to sort all her stuff out, you know, what she's taking, what we're leaving.
Oh, it's an absolute nightmare, Joy.
A nightmare.
You going to come and give us a hand? I'd only be in the way.
No, everyone's mucking in.
Alan's coming.
Oh, is he? Yeah.
Come on! We'll all have a laugh, except Mum, obviously.
Well, I would be there with you, Maureen, but I'm waiting in for the gas man tomorrow.
Boiler's playing up.
Well, maybe you can come over once they've been.
Have they given you a morning or afternoon slot? - All day.
- Oh.
Well, usually morning or afternoon, isn't it? Usually.
Bob's nice, isn't he? Trevor's really into his Age UK charity stuff.
They dress up at Christmas and put on little shows for them at the residential home.
Usually goes down well.
Although last year they did a bit of a panto, Aladdin.
Trevor was Wishy Washy, and one of them thought he was a Japanese prison guard and tried to strangle him with a serviette.
They have flashbacks, don't they? Yeah.
What do you mean? Hello, boys.
Hello.
All right, John? Haven't seen much of you today.
Have you been avoiding me? Don't know about you boys, but I'm done in.
My feet are killing me.
If I'd known we'd be trekking around old ruins all day, I'd have brought my sensible shoes.
I thought we were going back to see those flagons of mead.
All right, Mum, we'll get to the mead in a minute.
Funny choice for her last day of freedom, though, innit? I mean, coming here? What's the attraction? Other than a fantastic little teashop with 1,000 years of history attached? Well, anyway, we're going soon, aren't we? Otherwise Maureen's not going to get her afternoon nap.
All right, darling.
She's very hands on, isn't she? She's a nutcase.
I wasn't going to say anything, but I could tell something was awry.
She never gets any of my jokes.
She's always been the same, especially after a couple of white wine spritzers.
You don't want to be anywhere near her on New Year's Eve come midnight.
I've had tongues and all.
Oh, yeah.
And Christmas? Dear, oh, dear.
Do you know, we haven't had mistletoe in our house since 1974? - That's sexual harassment.
- It is.
You've been objectified, John, treated as a sexual object.
I think it's the way you dress, mate.
That is extremely provocative.
He's asking for it, isn't he? (MOUTHS) I know how you're feeling.
I've had similar problems with in-laws crossing that line between displaying affection and being overtly sexual.
Course.
Carol's got a couple of sisters, hasn't she? It wasn't her sisters.
It was her dad.
He was dealing with a lot of issues towards the end.
JOYCE: What are we doing tomorrow? - Tomorrow? - Yeah.
What had we got arranged for tomorrow? - Shopping? - No.
No.
Not shopping.
Er We'd arranged for the estate agent to come round.
- That's it.
- So can you help me get the house ready? - Yeah.
- Except you can't, because you've told Maureen you'll help them move Joan.
- I forgot.
- I don't want to talk to the estate agent by myself.
Look, I told you, we don't have to move.
We're rattling around in that place.
We could do with downsizing.
What to, a Lego house? Lee and Suze still haven't brought that baby up to see us yet, Alan, and I'm telling you, that situation isn't going to change.
She's putting up barriers.
She's not putting barriers up.
Alan, you don't understand.
A daughter-in-law can turn against you.
My friend Linda from work, she was baby-sitting her grandson at her daughter-in-law's house.
All she did was move the furniture round a little bit in the living room because her daughter-in-law had got some things in the wrong place.
She's never seen that kid since.
If you want to be involved in your grandchild in any way, you're going to have to think about moving down there.
It's as simple as that.
Joy! Mum's worried about moving tomorrow.
- Hi, Joan.
- Hello.
Tell her she's worried about nothing.
She won't know.
She hasn't seen the place.
Joyce has seen the place, Mum.
Joy, you've seen it, haven't you? Oh Oh, it looks fantastic.
It's so plush, isn't it? It'll be like living in a five-star hotel.
If you ever put me in one of those places, Alan, I'll make you sorrier than you've ever been.
When are you going to get your hair done properly, Mau? I've been telling her for months to have her hair cut.
She won't listen to me.
I had mine done in Gran Canaria last month.
Always surprised how soft a man's fingers can feel on your hair.
Well, you're not used to feeling them on your head, are you? I worry about you travelling to these places on your own.
Men in Muslim countries are drawn to Western women.
They follow them around in bazaars.
It's not a Muslim country.
Yeah, but you've still got your looks, Pauline, and in an Islamic environment you're like a red rag to a bull.
You'd be all right.
They wouldn't touch you.
Thanks, Mum(!) - Not with John around.
- Hmm.
And certainly not with your hair like that.
(# WILSON PICKETT: In The Midnight Hour) #I'm gonna wait till the midnight hour # Christ! What are you doing, Pauline? I like having a bath in the dark.
It's relaxing.
- Is it? - John? Jesus! What are you creeping around for, Maureen? - What's the matter? - It's just Have you got any of that moisturiser for when I get out, Maureen? I've used mine up.
Got as far as my thighs last night and ran out.
Not used to rubbing it in myself, you see.
I'll see if I can find you a vat.
She's driving me mad with her antics.
I swear she gets worse as she gets older.
Doesn't it bother you? All that pouting and sticking her bits out? No, no.
Washes right over me.
She's winding Mum up, asking questions about the home all the time.
'"Have they got satellite? '" '"Is there an en suite? '" ' "Is there a lake? '" You're doing the right thing.
Just because Pauline has come breezing in She doesn't have to look after your mum every day, does she, eh? You're the one who's having to put up with all the stress.
You mustn't feel guilty about it.
I don't feel guilty about it.
Not guilty.
I don't mean guilty.
What I mean is, you know, you shouldn't think you've failed to care for her, because you haven't.
And ' "failed'" is the wrong word as well, yes.
You see, what you've actually done is you've actually succeeded in finding her a more you know, um Do you want a cup of tea? (# DONOVAN: Sunshine Superman) Sunshine came softly through my window today You off on your jolly? It's not going to be fun, Joyce.
Hey, this place looks amazing.
You've done a great job, Joyce.
Look at that tap.
Just be back in time for the estate agent.
I don't want to be talking to her on my own.
What shall I say to John and Trevor? - About what? - About the estate agent.
Don't say anything.
- What if they ask? - I don't want people thinking we're moving.
Well, you said we were just testing the water, getting it valued.
Yeah, and I don't want them to think we're getting it valued, either.
The only reason you get your house valued - is if you're worried about money.
- But And I don't want them feeling sorry for us.
Remember that time they wanted to go to St Tropez, and we said it was too expensive? And John wanted to pay for the flights and the accommodation, and I said no.
Remember how you felt then? Gutted.
Embarrassed.
- And embarrassed.
- I just don't want their pity.
- I won't say a word.
- (CAR HORN BEEPS) Oh, I'd better get going.
I think I'll just get myself something to eat on the way.
Don't touch that, Alan! That's estate agent bread.
And the same goes for the coffee.
This place has got to be perfect, spotless, smelling of nothing but bread, coffee and maybe a little bit of ammonia.
You eat that bread, Alan, you are jeopardising our grandchild's future.
(CAR HORN BEEPS) You go off and have a bit of fun.
Look, I told you, Joyce, it's not going to be fun.
It's going to be hard work.
Sometimes, you know, we have to make sacrifices for our friends.
Hey, Al, you've got to have a go in this van.
It's got a rear-view camera, and everything Joyce.
ALAN: Oh, it's Carol! It's Carol.
Hello, Joyce.
Hi.
You know, Joan's move got me thinking about all the stuff we've got up in our loft, and I thought you might want this.
I'll be 20 minutes, if that.
It's only Carol.
- ALAN: And Bob.
- BOB: Hello.
How's it going? Golden, mate.
I feel absolutely golden.
- CAROL: Oh, thanks, John.
- All OK, then.
The thing is, Carol He's no trouble.
Just pop him out by the pond.
I I just need disabled access to your loo, which means, if I'm being honest with myself, does need to be less than 15 seconds away.
It's exciting, isn't it? A new baby coming to visit all the time, and we'll all be here to help out.
I still don't feel old enough to be a grandma.
Don't be silly, Joyce.
Of course you are.
Are you making fresh bread? I'll have a sandwich.
But but don't spread it out there, please, Carol.
Hold the sandwich.
I think I'm going to have to clear the decks first.
Really is a very good care home you're going to.
As long as they've got Pinot Noir on tap in all the rooms, I'm not fussed.
And how are you? Everything OK? I'm good.
Sometimes it's harder on the carers.
No, I'm fine.
You're doing the right thing.
I know.
What you mustn't do, in situations like this, is think that anybody here is judging you because they are absolutely not doing that.
You hear lots of stories about problems with care homes, you know, neglect, residents lying in soiled bedding, physical abuse, but you've just got to ignore them.
What you mustn't think is that you are sentencing your mother to spending her last years in a living hell because you almost certainly aren't.
Careful with all that.
There's some good stuff in there.
Don't worry, we'll look after it.
Is this all going back to yours? It's going on the tip.
Wish I was coming on the jolly boys' outing.
Is there room for a girl up there? I can squeeze in next to John.
(ALAN LAUGHS) Do you feel dirty? This is good, innit? How long has it been since we all sat down, had a good sort out? As long as it doesn't upset her.
The warden's giving me the hurry-up already.
Oh, remember this one? It's me and you on the beach.
That's Llandudno, innit? Oh, it was a lovely holiday.
Such a special time.
Yeah, and it peed down with rain all week.
Yeah, but we went there every year, didn't we? And it peed down every time.
Look.
It's you and Dad on the pier.
Big smile on your face.
Must have been happy there.
I was.
We were going home that day.
Yeah, well, Dad liked it.
He looks like he's happy in all of them.
Course he does.
He'd just started drinking again.
- How are you getting on? - It's emotional.
So many memories.
It was the beginning of the end, that was.
I tell you what, Mum.
You don't need to go through all this, do you? Why don't we let Pauline run you over to Joyce's? Oh! She's got to decide what she wants to take with her.
Everything in here has got memories attached that we don't know anything about.
Look at that chair she's sat in.
It means nothing to us, but it might remind her of all sorts of special things.
It reminds me of my uncle Ted.
See? Why does it remind you of Ted? He died in it.
Mau, tell me where Joyce lives again.
(SIGHS) Poor Joan.
I think it's the right time for her to go in, though.
I mean, she's got to that stage, you know, the worry, the stress, the confusion.
I just need a break from it all.
And it's not cheap, either.
I couldn't face it.
I think when my time comes, I'll ask Maureen to shoot me.
Yeah, I'll let Joyce finish me off.
It's the least I can do for her.
What about you, Trev? Are you opting out of the care system? Maybe we could get a group booking at Dignitas, eh? Bit of discount.
What do you think? Fly off to Switzerland, bit of skiing, drop of Glühwein.
(WHISTLES) No, I've already chosen my care home.
Picked my own room and everything.
I'm quite looking forward to it.
You could be onto a good thing there, Trevor.
I knew an old boy once in a care home in Hitcham.
He said he'd never had so many women in his life.
Fighting them off with his stick, he was.
Swear to God.
Makes you think, doesn't it? I wonder how Carol's getting on with Bob.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Joyce.
He keeps rolling himself down to the pond.
What if he falls in? Are we covered on insurance? I'm trying to get rid of them but you know what Carol's like.
Just get back here, Alan.
Yeah, the estate agent is going to be here in ten minutes.
Oh, you're looking a little bit tired, Bob.
Are you ready to go home yet? I'm ready for anything.
Good as gold, love.
I know Emilia hasn't been to see you yet, but she will.
And these baby things are ever so useful.
There's a gym and a playpen and a sterilisation kit.
Oh, that will be useful.
But do you know what? I think Bob's a bit tired and probably wants to go home.
Look, he's waiting there by the door.
Oh I suppose I could take him somewhere else.
That's it.
Will you use all this stuff? Of course I will.
It means a lot to me that you've shared all these things with me.
(CLATTERING) Bye, Bob.
- Got room for one more? - Hello.
Because you see, of course, going back 100 years, we never needed care homes.
Nobody ever lived past 80.
Yes, and going back a few hundred years, nobody ever lived past 50.
We'd have all been dead already.
Imagine not having the last 20 years.
All the things we've seen and done in that time.
Yeah, although there's a couple of Christmases with Joyce's mum I could have done without.
It's all fine.
They can be in the garden.
- I can just show the house.
- What's that? We can all go in the garden.
No point being stuck inside, is there? - You're getting flustered, aren't you? - I'm not flustered.
Look, I know you're going through a very emotional time at the moment.
Everything's different for you, isn't it, with the new baby and all that.
Well, it does change things.
That's why I thought you'd understand what I'm going through.
See, I thought helping Trevor out with Bob would be a bit different.
I thought it was sharing an interest, but all it's doing is making me think what it'll be like looking after Trevor if he gets you know.
Well, with a bit of luck you'll be dead by then.
I think what John is saying is, taking genetics and economics into account, the three of us are among the most successful people on this planet.
Is that a fair assessment, John? That's it.
That's exactly right, Trev.
Well, I suppose if you put it like that I mean, there are people better off than us, though, aren't there? That is also true.
And there's plenty more worse off.
I mean, look at us.
We're doing all right, aren't we? We don't struggle for money.
We've got a good pension, and we're not having to sell off assets, unlike those poor buggers who are having to downsize.
- Oh, dreadful.
- Terrible.
- Pressure to sell.
- Money running out.
- Poor sods.
- Cancelling all your luxuries.
- Car, satellite TV.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine what that's like? I can't imagine it, John.
Neither can I.
Didn't you cancel your satellite subscription recently? No, I didn't cancel.
I switched.
Moved my package across.
Maureen tells me off if I do that.
You like fish? There's some lovely carp in there.
A little bird told me you were moving today.
Make your mind up.
Do you want to talk about fish, or do you want to talk about birds? Alan, is this yours? An estate agent's card.
Must have fallen out your pocket.
Oh, yeah.
We were just, um, you know, testing the water.
Where are you going? Well, we're just thinking about it at this stage.
Oh, Joyce wants to move nearer Suze? Eh? No.
What, you're joking, aren't you? Move all the way down there on Joyce's say-so? (SCOFFS) I don't think I'll be doing that.
Oh, well, you should have told us, Alan.
- Can't break up the team, Al.
- The three amigos.
You're making me want to leave now.
- Difficult settling somewhere new.
- At your age.
Learning all those new numbers.
I'm not going anywhere.
We're not moving, OK? OK.
So you're just getting a valuation.
Exactly No.
What's happened? Are you in trouble? No.
No trouble.
Listen, mate.
If you need help, just ask us.
He only has to ask, doesn't he, Trev? - Yeah, say the word.
- No, listen, it's fine, really.
It's just a complication with annuities, that's all.
- Oh, no.
- No, it's fine, really.
Alan.
Alan, look who you're talking to.
Trevor.
You're talking to Trevor.
- OK.
- I'm a financial advisor, Alan.
- Christ.
- Sort him out, Trev.
She's a bit off, isn't she? That Joyce! I was going to send her a Facebook invitation but she can stuff it now.
Oh, you've got rid of everything.
She's only got one room.
Seems a bit cruel.
It'd be stacked to the ceiling if we let her take everything.
Where's Mum going to fit in? Are you going to keep her wedged in her cabinet, like a giant piece of Capodimonte? If you want to talk about cruel, love, that's cruel.
I'm not doing this.
What do you mean, you're not doing this? I'll take her.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
No, Maureen.
If there's honestly no room in your seafront mansion for one old lady and a few memories, then I'll have her.
Pauline She's not going.
She won't survive inside.
It's a care home, Pauline.
It's not Holloway Prison.
She's not going to be attacked by lesbians with chivs in the shower.
Yeah, you see, if you'd come to me I'd have told you not to buy that annuity because it had unspecified minimum yield written all over it.
Look, it's going to be fine.
It's just in case, that's all.
There's absolutely no problem.
We are not in trouble.
- OK, mate.
- We are completely solvent.
- No, we understand.
- So, you know, thanks for the offer, but you don't need to worry about it, or even mention it.
- Sure.
- Seriously.
Don't mention it.
Joyce doesn't know? - No, she doesn't know.
- Understood.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah? What? Why? Right.
Bye.
What's up? That was Maureen.
She said bring it all back.
What for? Joan is moving in with us.
(# CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Bad Moon Rising) #I see a bad moon rising #I see trouble on the way # OK, happy now? She's coming to live with me.
That's it.
Done.
Should have done it in the first place.
I think you should think through that decision.
Oh, give it a rest, love.
Still in charge, eh, Maureen? You do know why she's moving out of here? She attacked the warden.
We had some Wi-Fi issues in the block.
I tried to reboot her router and she hit me with her tablet PC device.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that aggressive behaviour can be a symptom of other problems which need to be addressed.
I know.
I'd have hit her as well.
They've got a hydro-bath.
I suppose it might be nice.
A care home is like anything else, my love.
It's what you make of it.
If you go in there looking to enjoy yourself, you'll have the time of your life.
I mean, look at me.
When I went inside, I made some good friends, I've eaten well and I've been to see some good shows.
My only regret was that I didn't go in earlier.
So as long as I don't have to share.
I've seen Big Brother.
I don't want any of that hot-tub action.
Carol.
Carol! He's stopped breathing.
#lt's getting dark, too dark to see # (SIREN BLARES) # I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door # - (DOOR BELL RINGS) - Mrs Mitchell, I'm from KC Walters, the estate agent's.
Is this a good time? (MACHINE BEEPING) Not really.
# Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door # Nice posh lunch, Maureen.
It's better than going out, mucking with friends, innit, Joy? Yeah, perfect.
All right if I put this curry sauce on the table? Yeah, stick it where you like, Maureen.
- I hear you had a funny turn.
- It's called sleep apnoea.
You stop breathing when you go to sleep.
See, that sounds serious to me.
I can't believe they let you befriend him in the first place.
If Joan hadn't given him mouth-to-mouth I don't know what we'd have done.
But otherwise, nice morning? Yeah.
Seeing baby stuff, felt a bit broody.
I bet What?! You know, for more grandchildren.
What did you think I meant? I don't know.
You know, you hear stories.
I mean, there was that woman in Italy, wasn't there, in the Guinness Book Of Records.
- I saw that.
- She was artificially inseminated.
She'd have to be.
Oh! I tell you, I'm exhausted, I really am.
I have literally not sat down all day.
Oh.
You don't have to come and stay with us, Mum.
You can go and live with Pauline and Phil if you want.
Look, Maureen Who's Phil? Oh, you'll like him, Mum.
He's not Egyptian.
Look, I know I'm old, but I'm not completely insane.
If I lived with Pauline I'd be dead within a week, and if I lived with you I'd go round the bend.
If I'm getting people to look after me, then I want people who know what they're doing.
- What are you having, Pauline? - I'm not having any.
Don't want an ickle tubby tummy like yours! Pauline, you're touching me inappropriately and you need to respect my personal boundaries.
I think I've upset John.
Can you put a good word in for me? Oh, very firm.
Go to the gym, Alan? Here's your saveloy, Joan.
She's changed her mind about the home, John, so it's back to the tip.
If you don't like the food in there, Joan, just give us a ring and we'll come and get you.
Or we'll get your new boyfriend to come and get you.
Do me a favour! I'm not that desperate.
I'm leaving him for Pauline.
What about the house? We'll never sell it.
We'll just die here, never having seen our grandchild again.
You're squashing my chips, love.
They didn't see the estate agent, that's the main thing, isn't it? Did you settle up for these? How much do we owe you, Maureen? Maureen, don't let them give you any money.
These two aren't paying for anything.
Not until I've sorted out their pension shortfall.
What? Ripped By mstoll Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more What you say? Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack #And don't you come back no more Oh, woman, oh, woman Don't treat me so mean You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen #I guess if you said so #