Bored to Death (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) - Do you love books? - Oh my God.
Sorry.
Are you Dimitri? That's not the code.
Sorry.
I love books and books love me.
Better.
I'm Dimitri.
- I'm Jonathan Ames.
- I know.
Thank you for suggesting that I bring Gogol's "The Nose.
" In addition to being a private detective, I'm also doing some writing on the side and I have always loved novels.
Me too.
Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Gogol these were my cellmates in prison.
They kept me alive for three years.
Prison? Why were you in prison? It's not important.
Let's sit and talk.
I need you to find a woman.
That's my specialty.
I've found several.
Good.
She is the great love of my life.
She is all I thought about in prison.
How long were you with her? One night.
Just one night? One night, if the love is perfect, is all you need.
Also I was arrested the next day.
We met in Brighton Beach very romantic.
Have you ever been there? No, my girlfriend Suzanne always wanted to go to those nightclubs out there but we never did.
And then she broke up with me.
Of course.
Because you don't take her where she wants to go.
So what did you offer her to stay diamonds, gold, a car with sunroof? No, I just begged.
And I Cried? A little.
Good.
It's natural.
But also if you want to keep a woman, you have to be strong.
Women need us to be commanding and decisive.
But do they? I don't know.
Maybe they do.
They do.
So my woman I don't know her real name, only her stage name Irenna, the Lonely White Dove.
She was singer at Cafe Tatiana.
I want you to go there.
I'm happy to go to this club for you, but why don't you just go? It'll save you my fee.
My parole officer won't let me out at night.
That's why I find you on Craigslist.
Also I got apartment, exercise bicycle, and you my own private detective.
I'm your man then.
I'll go to Tatiana.
Spasibo.
Please find my woman.
Do you think I lost Suzanne because I didn't take her places or do you think I lost her because I was indecisive? Probably both.
But I can't think about your failed relationship right now.
I have to tell you, I'm in a bad way, Jonathan.
Why? What's going on? The magazine's numbers are way down newsstand, subscriptions, advertising.
It's very bleak and it's all my fault.
It's not your fault.
All magazines are dying.
Yes yes, but a few will survive.
It's Darwinian.
See, we need to adapt.
I need to adapt.
Our biggest problem is our female demographic.
See, we've lost over 37% of our women readers.
- That is a lot of women.
- I know.
So what's the plan hire more women writers? That's a good idea, actually.
That'll be the second step.
The first step, though, is to change me.
See, if I'm right, the magazine will be right.
But how are you going to change? You told me once that after the age of 55 it's impossible to change.
That's why my therapist is suggesting something radical.
He wants me to experiment with bisexuality.
What? Mr.
Christopher, I need to clean in here.
Yes, of course.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
He says it will help me appeal to women readers, put me in touch with my feminine side.
- Your therapist sounds crazy.
- I know, I know.
But most therapists are.
That's what gives them insight.
- This is insane.
- What can I say, Jonathan? I am desperate to help the magazine.
I'm willing to try anything.
But if you experiment with bisexuality you'll just be more gay, not necessarily more feminine.
That's fine.
I mean, who designs women's clothing? Gay men.
Who do women find attractive? Gay men.
Who writes women's TV shows? Gay men.
I really think it's my only choice.
But have you ever experimented before? No, but I do have an open mind about the whole thing.
You know, Laurence Olivier and Danny Kaye were lovers.
- Really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
And oddly enough they're my two favorite actors of all time.
They were like two sides of this strange coin "Hamlet" and "The Court Jester.
" The dark prince and the Technicolor clown.
It's amazing.
It's hard to imagine them as lovers.
Sorry to put this in such old-fashioned terms, but who do you think played the woman in the relationship? Danny Kaye.
He could do a lot of accents.
That way Olivier could have a different woman every night.
(fast dance music playing) (people laughing, chattering) I'll have a white wine.
I was wondering if you could help me.
I'm looking for a singer Irenna, the Lonely White Dove.
I don't know if you gentlemen heard my question, but I'm looking for Irenna, the Lonely White Dove? - You're a tourist? - No no, not exactly.
I live in Brooklyn.
Then come sit down, have a good Russian meal vodka, caviar, blini, semga.
(woman singing in Russian) Excuse me, who is that beautiful singer? Oh, that is Basha.
You have no chance.
She's not interested in penis.
She's a Sappho.
Oh, I'm not I didn't mean Do you know, is there a singer here named Irenna, the Lonely White Dove? Her old boyfriend is looking for her.
We don't have a lonely dove.
We have a lonely sparrow.
She sings tomorrow.
Great.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
- Na zdorovie! - Na zdorovie! Is vodka really made from potatoes? (groans) I'm really hungover from that vodka.
You gotta write something.
I do my best work hungover.
I have less brain cells to confuse the issue.
I did this yesterday morning right after I barfed all over the place.
You're not that big.
In my mind I am huge but underused.
What are you drawing this for? It's a story about being a sperm donor to Lisa and Michelle, and how Leah won't sleep with me.
This editor at "Esquire" is really into it.
Really great work.
I'm sorry, I feel so sick.
Let's go get a drink right now.
Oh, quit kidding around.
I gotta drink more tonight.
I'm going back to that club.
I'm supposed to find out if the lonely sparrow is Irenna.
Actually I had a really fun time there last night.
I can't believe I never took Suzanne to Brighton Beach.
Why don't you take Suzanne tonight, you know? You guys haven't had any breakup sex, right? It's been a couple of months.
You're due.
Maybe you're right.
If you do call her, maybe Leah and I could go with you.
Tonight we're supposed to work on our intimacy issues.
But if the four of us go, that's not very intimate.
Yeah, but if you go we won't fight, and that's really good for intimacy.
(groans) Mi vida loca.
(phone rings) (sighs) Hello.
Suzanne, it's Jonathan.
I know.
What's going on? First of all, I just want to say I'm really sorry about what happened the last time I saw you with your Al-Anon friend.
Let's not talk about it.
Well, I want to make it up you.
You know how we never went to Brighton Beach because I thought it was too long of a subway ride? Well, you and I are going out there tonight.
That's right.
I found this great place.
We'll eat dinner, drinks, dancing.
You know I don't want to see you drinking.
I was talking about water.
We'll drink water after we dance to rehydrate.
What is this about? Nothing.
I'm just feeling really decisive, you know? I want you to have the Brighton Beach night I never gave you.
I don't think we should be going on a date, Jonathan.
It's not a date.
It's platonic.
Dancing is platonic? Yes, dancing is platonic.
We'll stay three feet apart from each other the whole night, I promise.
And there's gonna be lots of people there Ray and Leah (speaks gibberish) Lots of people.
Well, I guess I did always want to go.
We don't even have to sit next to each other.
I'll sit across the room the whole night sending you platonic love notes.
What's a platonic love note? I just thought it was going to be you and me.
Well, Jonathan knew where this place was and it just seemed easier if we all came together.
Plus, he split the car service with me.
If it meant being alone I could have paid for the car.
Well, tonight is on me and Jonathan.
Oh, good.
A little bit of potato sauce.
Thank you.
(makes zapping noises) What are you doing? I'm zapping it like Iceman from the X-men series.
Remember I drew them for Marvel? Can we please not talk about comics for one night? Okay, to the prettiest girl in Brighton Beach.
That's better.
A kiss.
Hi, Leah.
Hey, Ray.
- Hey, want some vodka? - Okay.
I thought there would be more people here.
I thought there would be less.
Well, we don't know these people yet, but you'll see, pretty soon this place is gonna be like a big Russian wedding.
By the end we're all gonna know each other pretty well.
Unlimited vodka here this is where the value is.
To the drug Czar.
Cheers.
I thought you said you weren't drinking tonight.
Oh, well, it was just a celebratory toast.
You know, when in Moscow I'll switch to water now.
So to water.
To water.
Ray: Oh, that's good.
Let's all dance.
That's a good idea.
No, my toes are all fused.
My toes are fused.
Come on, don't be a baby.
It's been awhile since we danced together.
Sir.
I know I said we would only dance three feet apart but is two feet okay? Yeah, I guess two feet is okay.
Isn't this fun? Yeah, it really is.
You can come closer if you want.
Really? Man: Everyone please sit down.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Nadya, the Lonely Sparrow.
The falling leaves Drift by the window The autumn leaves Of red and gold I think that's the woman I'm looking for.
She is beautiful.
What are you guys talking about? Sorry, do you know her? No no, not at all.
Not yet.
It's complicated.
(phone buzzing) Oh shit.
It's George.
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
But you're having fun here, right? We're in Brighton Beach.
I'm sorry.
Hello, George.
Wait, hold on.
It's loud here.
Sorry, George.
What's up? What if I do this and I don't come back? What do you mean? That I turn completely gay.
Well, then it was meant to be.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
I have to remember that it helped Jann Wenner's career.
All his magazines thrived after he became homosexual really boosted sales.
Thank you.
Okay, so do you know how I could find a male escort? - No, I don't know.
- Sorry, what? The reception's bad here.
I don't know how to find a male escort.
- Well, you should know these things.
- No, I shouldn't.
Look, just Google "male escort New York City.
" Wait, I can't hear you.
The reception is terrible.
Is it me or you? Just Google "male escort New York City.
" Actually, Google "gay male escort New York City.
" George, I've gotta go.
I'm at a Russian nightclub.
A Russian nightclub? Hey, I want to go.
Sorry about that.
My friend just never mind.
You guys work here, right? Can you tell me did Nadya the Lonely Sparrow use to be Irenna the Lonely White Dove? Why you want to know so much? Last night you told waitress a boyfriend is looking for the Lonely Dove.
Who's the boyfriend? Who do you work for? Nobody.
Look, let's just forget it.
I've forgotten it.
So I'm just going to go back inside.
You are a fool.
Hey.
Ow.
Don't touch me.
Wait wait wait.
My friends are inside, okay? I've already paid for two meals $38.
Don't ever come in here again.
- What about my friends? - Fuck friends.
Hey, come on, get your hands off me.
If we see you here again we will break you.
Shit.
Shit.
You work for Dimitri? He's my friend.
She wants you to call her The girl, the singer, Irenna.
- Call her tomorrow, eh? - Who are you? I cannot talk to you.
It's not safe for me.
Wait, can you help me get back in there? My girlfriend's in there.
Ray? I say in the ad that I'm an unlicensed private detective, which makes it more legal, sort of.
Anyway, the guy I'm that working for is an ex-con, but he's a real romantic and I'm trying to help him.
Are you guys listening to me? I'm listening.
Thank you, Ray.
Jonathan, you've got to understand this from my perspective.
I thought that tonight was gonna be the Brighton Beach night that we never had.
Remember that's what you told me? And I stupidly believed you.
Instead you drink vodka and you leave me alone while you chase after some Russian singer because you're investigating a case.
But I was doing it in the name of love somebody else's love but You weren't doing this for anybody else but you.
You're selfish.
You live in a selfish fantasy world.
Suzanne, please Please just do me one favor and don't talk to me.
The next subway, please, sir.
At least it wasn't me this time, right, baby? Ow.
Hey.
Hey, look, for what it's worth, I'm on your side.
(seagulls cawing) Irenna? Yes.
And you're the private cop? Yes, or detective or investigator.
They all work.
Thank you for coming.
I don't like the phone.
It's okay.
It's beautiful here.
So let me make sure I got things straight you used to sing as the Lonely White Dove.
Is that right? Yes.
Why did you switch to the Lonely Sparrow? I like birds.
Every year I'm a new bird and always a lonely bird.
Maybe you won't have to be lonely anymore.
Dimitri hired me to find you.
Why? Because he's in love with you.
He is still in prison? No.
He's out and wants to see you.
Do you want to see him? Yes, I want to see him very much.
Thank you very much, my little detective.
My my therapist suggested I try this medical advice, really.
- You're coming out of the closet? - Well, no, not exactly.
No, see, I'm trying to get in touch with the feminine side of my nature.
You see, I'm I run a magazine.
And we've lost nearly half of our women readers and I've got to reach them somehow.
And you think that this will help you? Maybe.
You know, I'm just I want to open my mind.
If you want to open your mind, don't think in terms of male and female.
I mean, it's binary.
It's boring.
How about no definitions? Have you read Klaus Kinski's memoir? I haven't.
You're talking about Werner Herzog's muse? Yeah.
Kinski could fuck or get fucked.
It didn't matter.
He did what he wanted to.
He defined himself.
He was all sexes, beyond definition.
You want your magazine to do better? Try to be like Klaus Kinski.
Have you read a Woody Allen story "The Whores of Mensa"? I haven't.
But I love Woody's prose even more than his movies.
(laughs) So you want to give this a try? I mean, I think that you're a good-looking guy, kind of like a buff Samuel Beckett.
Jonathan: So I'm escorting Dimitri to Tatiana's tonight.
And he says he needs me to be his backup, especially since he's breaking parole.
- He said "backup"? - Yeah.
- That sounds dangerous.
- He explained that it's more of a Russian wingman position.
- And I'm an excellent wingman.
- I don't know.
I don't think you should have ever gotten involved with this guy.
Leah's still mad that I took her to that club last night.
It ruined our first date in three months.
I know.
I am sorry, Ray.
She shouldn't be mad at you.
It's my fault.
Yeah, it is your fault.
And now to make up for last night's disaster I'm doing timed massages.
It's an intimacy exercise.
She out buying an egg timer right now.
- An egg timer? - Are you really going to be this guy's backup Russian wingman? Yes, I gave him my word.
He thinks I'm a brave detective.
And he's already paid me $200.
Okay, well, in that case I have something for you.
These are my uncle's.
They mean a lot to me.
He died of cirrhosis of the liver.
These were also his.
Here, drink up.
Don't lose those.
Ray, I'm excited.
I got a really good egg timer.
(timer dings) I love the boardwalk.
It reminds me of the Black Sea.
Only I wish the girls were topless like in Russia, In America people are shy and disturbed.
I don't know, why be scared of the naked breast? I've never been to a topless beach.
Oh, I hope you go.
Listen, I was thinking about you yesterday.
You should take this girl that you loved and bring her here to Brighton Beach.
Maybe you'll get back together and get married.
Well, you must be psychic or something, because last night I tried that.
And, well, I screwed the whole thing up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
It's like my heart's broken again, but it's not as bad since I'm used to it.
Irenna.
You found her.
Irenna.
(speaks Russian) Irenna.
My brother is in prison because of you, bastard! - Hey hey hey.
- Go home, private dick.
This doesn't involve you.
Hey.
Ow! Ow! (car alarm blaring) Come on, come on.
This way, Jonathan.
We hide here.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- What are you doing? Extra hiding.
We're gonna die.
You're not gonna die.
You're fine.
You did good.
You saved me.
I am grateful to you.
I did okay? Yeah, you are real man.
You showed me tonight very brave.
You hit the boss right in the nose.
- It was beautiful.
- I wasn't actually aiming for him.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I was just I'm glad we took those jerks out.
So wait, what happened with you and Irenna's brother? Why did she turn against you? We were doing a deal and when the cops got me, they got him.
- And he's still in prison? - Yeah.
I didn't think she would hold it against me after our night of great tenderness.
But now my love for her is buried.
But I will go on like you did, with a broken heart.
- (footsteps, Russian speech) - Shh.
What do we do now? They go this way we go this way.
Okay.
(grunts) Goodbye, my new friend.
I don't know if I'll ever see you again, but I hope your heart is broken many times because it means you will have loved many times.
Hi, George.
Listen, I know it's late.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I have had the most incredible, insane night.
Would you want to meet for a drink? Now's actually not a great time for me.
I have company.
Do you remember what you told me to Google? Holy shit.
How's it going? Well, I'm no Danny Kaye, if you know what I mean.
I love Danny Kaye, especially "The Inspector General.
" - Really? - Yeah.
I have "The Inspector General.
" We could watch it if you'd like.
I have all of Danny Kaye's films.
- I would love that.
- Hey, Jonathan, we're gonna watch "The Inspector General.
" You could come over if you'd like.
He's a really nice guy.
("The Inspector General" playing) (laughing) I hope Jonathan does not lose those brass knuckles.
Could you please not talk about Jonathan? This is an intimacy exercise about us.
I'm sure he's fine.
(timer dings) (theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll one inside the other.