Breadwinners (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

2 [Ducks quack.]
Both: buckle up, duckies, 'cause we got a rocket van delivering bread, flying quazy 'cause we can quazy, quazy [Ducks quack.]
Quazy 'cause we can - Swaysway! - Buhdeuce! - Do a barrel roll, man! Both: Sweet! Buckle up, duckies, 'cause we got a rocket van delivering bread, flying quazy 'cause we can Booty kick it, party punch it shake your feathers, make your pants dance - Look out, we're gonna crash-land! [Techno music.]
- Ladies and gentlebaps, this is your captain speaking.
- [Giggles.]
Hi, captain.
- If you look out the window on your right, you'll see the great pond, the largest pond on pondgea.
- Buhh That's a lot of water.
- We're not expecting any turbulence today, so sit back, relax, and we'll be home in about, um, five hours.
- Five hours! You got to be kidding me.
I can't sit still for five hours.
I'll go quazy for boredom, quazy I tell you, quazy! [Laughing.]
Quack! Quacky, quacky, quack! [Laughing.]
- Deucer, cool your butt-feathers.
I'll keep you entertained.
- How you gonna do that? - With the r-r-r-rocket van.
[Both laugh.]
- Yeah, boy! - Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Both cheering.]
[Beeping.]
- Oh, looks like those tricks used up all our gas.
- But at least I'm not bored anymore.
- [Sputters, coughing.]
- Please prepare for an emergency landing.
In other words, freak the beak out! [Both screaming.]
[Gasps, coughs.]
I can't swim.
- [Coughs.]
Me neither.
- Hey, wait.
We're ducks.
- Oh, yeah.
[Upbeat music.]
[Both panting.]
[Echoing.]
How far do you think we are from land? - Wow, five echoes-- that's really far.
- Uh, what are we gonna do, bap? We'll never survive out here.
- [Growls.]
- Pluck up, my ducky.
This is the perfect chance for you to learn some survival skills.
Check it.
- "The breadwinners survival goo-iddy.
" - Okay, "step one-- when dealing with an emergency, remain calm.
" - [Breathes deeply.]
Okay, remaining calm.
I mean, we're just stranded in the middle of the great pond, with no way of getting home.
And we're probably gonna get eaten by monsters.
And--who am I kidding? I can't remain calm! [Explosion.]
What's step two? - "Step two--signal for help.
" - [Quacks.]
[Quacking.]
- Ooh.
[Clears throat.]
"Step three-- collect all of your food and put it in a safe place.
" - [Grunts.]
Look, sway, check out my survival skills.
[Screaming.]
Help! Stop it! I'm being pecked alive! [Grunts.]
Please tell me step four is to kick some seagull Booty.
- Let's find out.
- Ah, bubble nuggets.
We'll never survive without our survival goo-idy.
- Yes, we will.
We are breadwinners.
And breadwinners don't give up.
They-- both: L-l-l-level up.
Survivor ducks! [Percussive music.]
- And here in the wild, we see the elusive survivor duck, administering a Booty scratch.
- [Sniffing.]
- This is a common ritual performed immediately before the hunt.
[Both grunt.]
[Both grunting.]
- [Laughs.]
[Both chanting.]
[Both growling.]
- [Growls.]
[Both screaming.]
[Horn blows.]
- Ahoy there, lower life forms.
- Holy ravioli on wheat.
Buhdeuce, we've been saved! Buhdeuce? You can level down now.
- [Grunting.]
- Aw, crummers.
You're stuck in survivor-duck mode.
- [Grunting.]
- Thanks for rescuing us, captain goosington.
I'm swaysway, and this here is buhdeuce.
- [Grunting.]
- What in Neptune's folly is wrong with that boy? - Oh, that's just, uh - [Sniffing.]
- His way of saying hello.
- Yes, well, this is a respectable cruise ship with civilized guests.
We wear pants to dinner.
- [Grunting.]
- [Shuddering.]
Oh, my dignity.
- As you know, we are in the middle of the great pond, hundreds of Miles from civilization.
Any trouble out of you two, and I will throw you right back where I found you.
Capisce? - Trust me, captain.
Buhdeuce is done causing problems.
- Aah! - Starting now, from now on.
- Good.
- [Grunting.]
- You heard the captain.
This is our only way home, so don't ruffle his feathers.
Do you understand? - [Grunts.]
- I'll take that as a no.
- [Grunting.]
- Buhdeuce! - Aah! - Sorry.
My buddy's just a little seasick.
Buhdeuce, get back here, man.
- [Grunting.]
[Romantic music.]
Both: Aah! - [Chuckles.]
- Sorry.
My buddy's just a hopeless romantic.
- [Grunting.]
- Buhdeuce! Sorry.
My buddy is just excited to be on vacation.
Deucer, snap out of it.
You don't need your survival skills anymore.
We're on a cruise ship, a fancy one.
Peeps be wearing tuxedos to the pool and junk.
- [Croaks.]
- Buhdeuce? - [Grunts.]
Aah! - Dude, come back.
It's fancy pants in there, not savage pants.
- [Grunting.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Gasps.]
- Sorry.
My buddy's just showing off the latest dance quaze-- the, uh, savage supper dance.
You put a pound of spaghetti on top of your head then you whip it back and forth all over your friend take the finest caviar and a giant cake rub it on your belly and shove it in your face take a hot bag of crabs and throw it at some ducks or grab some steamy creamed corn and dump it in your tux slap a steak on your back chug that tartar sauce get down on your knees and yank that tablecloth - what in Poseidon's pants is going on here? - [Gasps.]
The captain! We got to go.
- Aah.
- My buffet.
My beautiful buffet.
- Isn't it wonderful, captain? Those two ducks are so talented.
- You put a pound of spaghetti on top of your head [humming.]
- Those two ducks are about to walk the plank! Does anybody have a plank? - The captain is totally gonna kick us off the ship, so there's only one thing we can do.
- [Grunting.]
- No, no, no.
I meant we put the ship into high gear and get home before he finds us.
Let's see.
Here we go Turbo boost.
[Horn blows.]
Both: Aah! - When I get my hands on those-- aah! - [Quacks.]
[Techno music.]
- Yo, let's try a barrel roll.
Whoo! Yeah! - [Coughs.]
- Hold on.
[Screech.]
- Aah! [Grunts, coughs.]
You two! It's time to walk the ramp.
- The ramp? - I couldn't find a plank.
- Either way, sounds good to me.
- Well, too bad.
Wait.
You're okay with this? - Sure.
We're already home.
[Upbeat music.]
Bye, cap.
Thanks for the lift.
- [Grunts.]
- [Humming.]
Slap a steak on your back - [Screaming.]
- Okay, bap, now you can definitely level down.
We made it back home to wet land.
- Oh! [Panting.]
- Ahh.
[Chuckles.]
- [Gasps.]
No! Not jelly! - [Grunting.]
[Laughs.]
Aw, jelly, that tickles.
- Buhdeuce, you're back! - Back? Uh, where was I? - It's a long story.
Let's go inside.
I'm pooped.
- What you need is a vacation.
Hey, how about a cruise? - Sure.
I don't see why not.
[Electronic music.]
[Both roar.]
- [Screeches.]
- Okay, guys, are you ready to see the new modification I made to the rocket van? - Yippity yep, yep, yep.
- Then hold on to your tail feathers.
- Holding on to my tail feathers.
- Those are my tail feathers.
- Ooh, sorry.
- Gentlebaps, without further ado-do, I present to you The breadzooka.
Both: Whoa! - Now, remember, the breadzooka is a powerful tool.
And it must be used with the utmost [Tires squeal.]
Caution.
[Upbeat music.]
Both: we got a breadzooka we got a breadzooka open up your beak 'cause we're coming to blast ya 10 loaves of bread in your beak in your beak 20 loaves of bread in your beak in your beak this breadzooka is so super sweet - Where to next, bap? - Tree city-- an order for 90 loaves of tuxedo bread, for our number one customer t-midi.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, yeah! If anyone will appreciate this quazy breadzooka [Engine roars.]
It's totally t-midi! - Mother, I painted a new portrait of you.
It is simply divine.
[Tires screech.]
Both: T-midi! - I'll call you back.
How many times must I tell you? My living room is not a parking spot! - [Grunts.]
Now it is.
[Beeps.]
Hey, can I borrow a quarter? - We got your bread, t-midi.
And now we're gonna blast you with it.
- But you could just hand me the loaves if you merely walk the two feet.
- Nah, dude, that's boring.
You're gonna love this.
Let her rip, b.
- Aah! Sheesh-uh-roo-roo.
You could've really dinkeled my brot.
- Hold on.
I think it's jammed.
- [Grunting.]
- Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
- [Grunts.]
- Don't worry, t-midi.
I swear on my mama's patootie we will make this up to you.
- Abso-hoot-ly not.
You breadwinners have already done enough.
- Don't be ri-duck-ulous.
This was our fault.
And that's why we are gonna nurse you back to health.
Both: L-l-l-l-level up.
Nurse ducks! - We are gonna fix you up good.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- First things first-- let's make sure our patient is comfortable.
- Please.
I don't need your help.
- Uh-uh-uh, we insist.
- [Grunts.]
- Tell us when you're comfy.
- Aah! - How about now? - Aah! My back! - Back pains, huh? Good thing for you we took a massage class.
[Both grunting.]
- Oh! - Or was it a karate class? Whatever.
Just let us break this board on you.
[Inhales deeply.]
Ha! - Stop! - Not relaxing enough? Maybe a nice, warm bath will soothe those aches.
Let's get those clothes off.
- [Gasps.]
Oh.
- Hey, hey, nice undies.
- They were a gift from mumsie.
I can bathe myself, thank you very much.
- No need to thank us.
We're just doing our duty.
- Yeah, we're doing our doodie in the bathtub.
[Farts.]
Oops.
[Ship horn blows.]
- Commence the bubble bath, nurse buhdeuce.
- Commencing the bubble bath, nurse swaysway.
- Okay, but please just use a tiny bit of soap.
Oh, oh! Aah! - Oh, yeah.
The perfect wave! - Perfect for shredding! - Whoa.
That dude can surf.
- Aw, t-midi, we feel just awful about the whole bubble bath thing.
- [Groans.]
Then you'll finally leave me alone? - No, sir.
We are breadwinners, and breadwinners never give up.
- Ooh, how about a healthy vegetable smoothie? - Well, that doesn't sound too bad.
- I'm on it.
Tuck and roll and leap and crash.
Found the veggies! [All growl.]
- Let's not forget some of whatever this is.
[Blender whirring.]
- [Snoring.]
- Got your yummy smoothie.
Whoa! - [Grunts, gulps.]
- Oh, t-midi, we just wanted to help you get better.
Tell us, what do we need to do? - Get out, please.
- What's that? "Get out, breeze"? Oh, you want to get out and feel the breeze? - [Grumbling.]
- Ah, the doctor said you had to stay in bed, but they do say fresh air is good for your health.
- Aah! - How's he doing up there? - Please stop! - What's that? "Please, drop?" He said, "please, drop.
" - Wow, that guy has one thick crust.
- [Grunting.]
[Grunts.]
- I have to say, I think I'm seeing some real improvement here.
[Monitor beeping.]
- Nighty-night, t-midi.
- [Groans.]
- What's that? You want to host a quazy heavy metal dance party, complete with mosh pit and biker ducks? Sure, I don't see why not.
[Heavy metal music.]
Vital signs are good.
- Yeah, shake that busted-up Booty! - [Grunts.]
That's it! Everyone out! - T-midi, you're healed.
- We did it! - We nursed him back to health - back to health, both: Back to health - we fixed him up good both: now he's doing real well - Hey! You did nothing! Your nursing was an absolute disaster.
From this day forward, I am no longer your number-one customer or any customer, for that matter! [Both gasp.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
T-midi, buddy, give us a second chance.
- And a second quarter.
The meter's up.
[Beeps.]
- Get out now! - We should probably get out now.
This is awful.
We lost our number-one customer and our number-one patient.
- For a patient, he sure wasn't very patient.
- Sounds like you guys really ruffled his feathers.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to make flight of the situation.
Honk! Yes, I did.
- I don't think he'll ever forgive us, unless we hit him on the head so hard, he forgets everything that happened.
- Okay, let's go.
- Whoa! I've got a better idea.
Just apologize.
- Apologize? Huh.
That's just quazy enough to work.
But it'll need to be a big apology.
- Really big, like, bigger than my earwax ball.
- [Chuckles.]
It'll be big all right.
And seriously, you need to find somewhere else to store this thing.
Aw, lug nuts.
[Upbeat music.]
[Tires screech.]
- [Coughs.]
What are you doing here? I thought I made myself perfectly clear.
- Wait, t-midi.
We just want to apologize - Well, I-I may-- - with this-- the apology-zooka! - Apology-zooka? Oh, please, no! - Oh, no, no, no, don't worry.
Ketta modified it, so it doesn't blast out bread anymore.
- Yeah! Now it blasts out apologies.
- What? [Coughs.]
[Screaming.]
- We're sorry, t-midi.
- Hold still.
We just want to apologize.
- Oh, b-b-b-b-b-b-boy! [Grunts.]
Mm.
We should apologize more often.
- So we're good, right? You accept our apology and stuff? [Both sigh.]
- Aah! Both: No! [Both grunting.]
- Oh, dear duck.
Well, I'm flattered you risked your beaks to save me.
You two are forgiven.
I would be honored to be your number-one customer again.
Both: P-p-p-p-p-party punch.
- And this time, I'll be the one to nurse you back to health.
Both: Yay.
- Now, then, they say laughter is the best medicine.
So I'm going to quack you up.
[Pained laughter.]
- [Giggles.]
Isn't this just a hoot? - Help.
[Upbeat music.]
Both: r-r-r-r-rocket van - deliverin' bread in a rocket van my name is swaysway and this buhdeuce - yep, yep.
- Yeah! Duck party! Get jelly quackers in here.
I'm a duck, he's a duck quack, quack, quicky quack, quack a duck Both: r-r-r-r-rocket van