Bridget and Eamon (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 I know she's had a perm.
I mean, who is she trying to kid? I can't believe Big Tom has broken down on our road.
- What am I going to say to him? - Shure I played camogie with her.
We'd be in the dressing room and I had a look down there and it's straight as a die, Eamon! - Hold on! We're back to where we started.
- I know! Where's Big Tom? I just said that to get you out of the house.
You see, I was watching Live At Three and Thelma Mansfield said exercise is very important.
Aw, it's fierce important, especially for men, Eamon.
I'm after spending half an hour with you for no reason! It's called a walk, Eamon, and everyone in Dublin is doing it.
Thelma Mansfield, she said that Hang on.
Eamon You're going to have to run back to the house.
I'm not running for no reason, Bridget.
I'm not a drug dealer.
- Eamon, I've no cigarettes! Will you go back to the house! - Calm down! - Check your pockets.
- I have checked my pockets! Aw no, here's one.
I found it.
Do you know what, Eamon? I feel healthier already! - Do you? - Go get the car.
- What? GO GET THE CAR! Go on.
A walk! Jesus Christ, what will they think of next? - Hello? - It's me again.
I want it done.
It has to be tomorrow.
- Okay, seeya tomorrow.
- Wait, wait! Eamon, I need to ask you a question.
It's been playing on my mind all night.
Now, I know we got married very young and I know the six to eight children have destroyed my body, and yours.
I know we're not Italian, but do you still find me attractive in that way? Bridget, how do we make toast? And the toast comes out like so! The man is coming this morning.
It can't be this morning! I'm not ready.
It has to be.
I'll never get this chance again.
- Will the neighbours know? - Of course.
Shure he has to erect his equipment.
- Where? - What do you mean where? Up on the roof! He puts the aerial up on the roof, runs a wire down from the aerial, sticks it in the back of the telly and then we have BBC1, BBC2, UTV and the other one.
- What other one? - Channel Four.
- Channel Four! - Why don't you tell the whole road, Bridget! - No, Eamon, no! Because Maureen Clancy, her sister lives in England and she said there was a willy on it last week for no reason! Shure, wasn't there a willy on the Late Late Show last week? That was different.
That was flacid.
This one was fully! Oh, that's lovely! Is that what yourself and Maureen do be talking about on the phone, rigid willies? You've little to be going on about.
- Eamon, what if we're caught? We don't even have a - Don't say that word! - But we don't have a - Bridget! - A license.
- I told you to never mention that word in this house ever! But Eamon, what if we're caught? Cait Lawless was caught last year and she went to prison and now she has a girlfriend! It's him.
They say the weather in Moscow is fine at night.
- But in Paris it rains all day.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- There are no Guards or TV license inspectors in these parts, are there? - No.
Let operations begin! Here, you wouldn't whip that up for us there, would you? Till it's nice and solid.
I like to be able to eat it with a fork.
Oh, he's lovely! - Are you going to need the ladder? - Where I'm going I don't need ladders! Are you not putting the aerial up on the roof? - Who said anything about the roof? - Well, I presumed.
- You presumed! Tell me this, have you ever stared into the cold dark eyes of a TV inspector while hanging from your middle finger that's dislocated off an asbestos roof, sweating bullets, just so a 34-year-old man, who's about to give up on the simple pleasure of life itself, could watch the snooker on BBC2? - No.
And tell me this, have you ever stared into God's eyes while lightning was striking down on your skull as you're bending your neck through a badly ventilated window just to get the aerial position right, just so a family of four can watch UTV on a Saturday night? - No.
And tell me this, have you ever screamed into the dark sky, wondering about the very - Do you want the ladder, yes or no! Oh yeah, I'll need a ladder.
Now, here's your Angel Delight and it's whipped and not stirred.
- Oh no, this is for you.
- Oh! Eat it for me.
Stop, Bridget! Get up on the roof! Hang on, we're alright here, man.
As they say on the Burrow, she's got the mouth for the Angel's Delight, you know? - He's a weirdo.
- I like him.
- Now, did you tell him not to put on that Channel Four? I don't want that filth in this house.
- Of course I did.
n't! - You didn't tell anyone, did you? - Eamon, you have to give me some credit.
I've told no-one.
Swear on your dead mother's soul.
- For the last time, my mother is not dead.
- Well, that's just typical of her, isn't it! I want to watch that in peace.
I don't want half the town round here.
- I've told no-one! - Ahem! This humble cable is about to change your lives.
- Will you just stick it in! - This needs to be savoured, mate.
This isn't some slide-it-in in the back of a Hiace after a Stockton's Wing concert.
Here, you wouldn't whip up that for me, my lovely lady, would you? You could even spread a bit around there, if you wanted to.
If you don't stick that cable in right now, I will ram it up your Okay, okay! It's alright.
I'm just saying, as we'd say in the Burrow, she could make some cash from the smash! You are channel people now! Aw, for sake! Oh, come in.
I have some voulez-vous and some mint viscounts on the table.
I knew you couldn't keep your mouth shut! It's not my fault that the 40-or-so people I told couldn't keep their mouth shut! - They're lucky I had a few bits in for the party.
- What do you mean party? - What party are you going on about? - A channels party, huh? All the rage in Dublin! What? - Come here, did you get the dirty one? - What are you on about? - Channel Four! - I did not! And if I did it's coming straight off.
- It would be on there by an accident.
That's the only way it would have got on there.
- No, no, no.
- The brother told me he seen a full-frontal of a fully erect - I don't care! It's pure filth.
And if it's on there, it's on there by an accident and it's coming off.
male penis! A fully erect male penis, Eamon.
Up to there, massive! Will everybody stop talking about penises? Are you obsessed with penises? - There's boobs as well.
- I don't care! This is BBC1.
Hello.
Welcome to The Day After Today's Planet.
I'm Martina Falcourt Prickly Coppermount - and these are called CDs.
- Ooh! And this is BBC2.
keeping up the trend with all the latest fashions on BBC2, it's The Clothes Show.
This is UTV.
- Now on UTV we go live to Belfast for the main evening news.
Huh? - And that's it.
- But what about that button, Bridget? Oh no, there's nothing there.
I made sure nothing was on there.
Look! Now on Channel Four, we explore the sexual influence of the Kamasutra on the British ice-cream industry.
- Jesus Christ! - No, no, no! Bridget, leave it on, just in case there's a a - A programme about Ireland! - Yes! - Shure I can just put on RTE for that.
- No, no! Bridget, a lot of people have family in Britain and they might pop up.
On the sexual nature of ice-cream? I can't have that filth on in my house! - Yeah, but it might be educational! - Yes, yes, yes! Two minutes! - By placing the cold ice-cream on your partner's areola - Hello! - Father! - What are we all watching? Ooh, this looks interesting.
A friend of mine was involved in the nuclear war in the 1960s.
TV license inspector.
Eamon! - Can I have you? - What? - I've something to tell you.
- What? - A quick word.
- What! In the hall! Eamon, we've made a terrible mistake! - It's not our fault that young fella is thick.
Shure he's the height for the Guards to get in! - No! The TV license inspector is at the door! Calm down, okay? The last thing we need now is to send the whole house into panic.
Anybody here have a television license? The TV license inspector is at the door.
- Father Gabriel, surely you have one? - Of course I have a TV license! If I didn't have a TV license, I wouldn't be watching The Angeles every day! - It's in my jacket.
I must have dropped it.
It's probably in the hallway - Relax, Father.
Who, in their right mind, has a television license? Oh God, what am I going to do? We have to go, we have to flee, we have to leave right now.
I know him.
He's the worst of them.
When he gets the scent of an unlicenced TV, he's like a rabid rottweiler.
He never gives up.
Never.
His eyes are black and emotionless, like a shark when he's about to bite.
Hello? Do you remember the siege of Limerick? Two years we were in that house.
Two years! There was 14 of us.
With not a license between us.
Suddenly there was no sign of him.
Two weeks went past, then another two.
- It was all quiet.
- Too quiet? Fairly quiet.
And no-one knows who did it.
Someone opened the front door.
- Probably one of the pregnant women.
- Women! We were out in the front garden, the 14 of us, in groups of two and three hugging each other.
We thought we'd made it.
No-one saw it coming.
Suddenly he struck.
He fined us one by one, all 14.
Even the dog got done.
Oh, oh, I have to go! Abandon house! - Every man, woman and priest for himself! - Father Gabriel! Snap out of it! Look! We can beat this.
We can do this.
But we have to be brave.
We have to stay united.
And, most importantly, no-one is getting out of this house.
- I've never seen Bridget so angry.
- Angry? That's nothing.
You want to see what she did to me when I said I didn't fancy Johnny Logan! Oh! This is war! I've always wanted to say that! But it is.
Very important.
Anyone? Hello? I'll I'll just wait here.
And the license inspectors are apparently very annoyed.
They're calling house to house.
They're checking on everyone.
TV spongers beware.
The squeeze is on.
What are you going to do when this is over? Probably spend more time with the kids.
You? I've always wanted to travel.
Maybe go shopping in Naas! I've heard it's a nice place to shop.
- What about you, Noreen? - I've always wanted to give that heroin a taste.
You could probably get that in Naas! We could all get the bus, bring the kids.
Make a day of it, Dolores.
Buses give me terrible constipation but that would be nice.
No-one is getting out of here, but as we say at 3am in the chipper, you can make the best of a bad lot if you've got the Knorr-how.
Three sachets.
No need to fight, ladies.
Look, I'm sorry it has to be you but someone has got to go.
Do you want a drop of whiskey before you head out? Oh, stop your whingeing! I'll take that.
Right, go out to the door and tell the man that Mammy and Daddy aren't here.
Go on.
- Go, go, go! Go on, good lad.
Mammy and Daddy told me to tell you that they're not here.
- That's enough, that's enough.
- Oh Jesus! - That's enough.
That's enough! - FRANK! - FRANK! - FRANK! AAAGH! AAAGH! FRANK! Come on! - We're going to need a bigger child! - I'm going to need another cigarette! Oh Jesus! Bridget, this is important.
Barton, my first cousin, his daughter's husband's uncle - What would that make him to me now? - Second cousin! - No, that can't be right.
My first cousin's daughter's husband's uncle - No, he's your second cousin once removed.
- No, no, no, no.
- My first cousin, his father's no, his daughter's - Eamon! - What? - Shut up! - No, Bridget, this is important.
My first cousin Martin, his daughter's uncle's husband - Is your first cousin's cousin twice removed.
- No.
He's your great-second cousin on your side.
No, he's your third nephew once removed.
I have it! It's you! You see, if you went back in time and had relations with your second cousin John the Baptist was Jesus's cousin.
No, it's definitely Eamon.
- It is definitely Eamon for sure! - Concepta! How could he be me? He's out there, I'm in here.
I'm me! - Do I know him? - Yeah, he was at our wedding.
He has the gammy eye and the hairy neck.
He looks like he's wearing a scarf permanently.
- Did he vote Fine Gael once? - Yeah, that's him.
Look, Bridget, he's outside now in his Fiat Ritmo.
He's got half a tank full of petrol.
He's going to bring you to Leitrim, okay? And you'll be safe there.
- Leitrim! Safe! - Bridget, please.
I'm not leaving, Eamon.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
It'll be grand once the messages arrive.
The messages aren't coming.
They are.
I sent the three girls for them, Eamon.
They're coming.
The three girls barely made it down the driveway.
The inspector The messages will come.
The girls will bring them! The girls are gone.
The eldest is dead, Bridget! Is she not just out there in the back of the inspector's car? She's as good as dead.
Okay.
Eamon, I'm not leaving.
You can find me a fag around this house.
You just need to go and have a look.
Bridget, listen to me, please.
Go with my cousin to Leitrim.
You can stop in a petrol station along the way and buy as many fags as you want.
Please! No, Eamon, it's okay.
I'm not going.
I'm staying.
You go find me a fag.
Go, go.
- Bridget, there are no fags in this house.
- Yes, there are.
- Bridget, there isn't.
- You can find them, I know you can.
Go, go, go! EAMON! Did you see the cobweb up there! I'm getting at that now.
I am going to do it! Bridget, I have some very grave news.
We searched in behind this couch here, in between the arms of this chair here and behind that couch.
We checked in between the arms of this chair here.
Nothing there.
We went in behind that couch, on the television.
We even went upstairs and went around some of the children's rooms.
We tried the good room.
Over the dresser.
Couldn't find anything.
We can't find anything.
We called off the search around seven o'clock to watch MacGyver.
No problem.
Just get the duty-free boxes from under the sink in the kitchen.
Eh Bridget You smoked the last of the duty-frees this morning.
There's no cigarettes left.
Anyone who thinks I should cut down anyway, leave now! Frank, Eamon, Father.
You stay.
No cigarettes? Huh! Nine! Nine! Nine boxes of cigarettes I had under that sink! Who didn't tell me about this? How did you let this happen? Why wasn't I told about this sooner? Do you know what's going to happen to me now? I'm going to blow up like a balloon! I'll be 19 stone by tomorrow! You'll have to roll me out of here in a tent! - But Bridget, you could take up a sport or a hobby.
- A hobby! - I'm not a Protestant! - That's outrageous! Basketball is getting fierce popular in the country at the moment.
Basketball! And what am I going to do with a basketball when I'm making the dinner? Am I going to play basketball when I'm hoovering the kids or washing the floor! Basketball! I'll destroy every ornament in the house! My house will look worse than Concepta's! Everyone knows I smoke.
Bridget, choppy-changey hair, glasses, keeps a good house, six to eight children, smokes.
What am I without a fag only a small-minded woman with notions? What will I do? I'll be forced to read a book! She doesn't mean it.
She's not that desperate! It's over.
I think she took that well! I'm getting a fag! Sorry for your loss.
Thanks, mate.
Thanks for coming.
I'll never forget the first time I saw you.
You changed my life forever.
I'll never forget you.
I love you.
Are you the owner of this house? Yes, I am, and we don't have a TV any more.
And Ј34 for a license, it's a thundering disgrace! And how much did that TV set cost you? - Ј614.
I haven't even it paid off.
- Aw, shi! And your first cousin's daughter's husband's uncle is no relation to you at all.
Noooo! No, Frank, let go of me! - No relation? And you had him at our wedding.
- Will you shut up! Stick on One there.
MacGyver is starting.
We don't have One.
We only have Two.
Well, I'm not watching RTE2 for the rest of my life.
It's full of women wearing dungarees! I can get you a newish TV for nothing, but you'll have to do something for me.
Yeah, rub it in, cover the chest! I'm liking that, liking that a lot.
Oh yeah, you've done this before.
You are the best.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Shut up, Bridget, it's for a free telly! You are an Angel and I am Delight-ed! Weirdos!