Broad City (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Hi, Galina, hey Tatiana.
Hey, Yevgenya.
Hey.
I love your braids.
Thank you.
Here to wax the usual spots? Yep, you know it.
Okay, follow me.
Been a long time.
Like a week.
No, it's been, like, three weeks.
I'm sorry.
Okay, this may hurt.
My body's learned.
Oh kay.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
First voice message.
Abbi, this one is a great idea.
What about an umbrella, but it's connected to your clothes, so you don't have to hold it? That'd be hot.
Maybe draw it up? Abbi, there is a hot couch on the corner of 4th and Avenue C.
Do you need a couch? I'm e-mailing you pics.
Hey, girl, there's, like, piss and blood on it.
Okay, sorry to bother you, bye! Abbi, Jaime's coworker has a turtle and it just had baby turtles.
I thought maybe we could each get one.
So text me back if you don't want a turtle.
Hey, Ab, never mind about that umbrella idea.
I forgot there's raincoats, duh.
Abbi, hey, girl, do me a favor.
What's this song? Four and three and two and one-one Hey, guys, so sorry to interrupt, but Zandir, your instructor has actually been missing for the last 48 hours.
And Bryce, his sub, is also missing.
So power slide has been canceled for today, but you're welcome to stay and have an hour of free sliding, okay? I can't believe this.
If I don't slide, my flaps will come back.
Slide and glide is all I have.
Hey, guys, listen.
I don't know.
I work here and I'm already at the front of the class, so maybe I I could lead.
I recognize you.
You clean the locker room.
Okay, everyone doesn't need to chime in, but, I would absolutely love to be your instructor.
Hi, hi.
You know, it's always been a dream of mine to teach a class in this gym.
It'd be such a rush of power to experience that.
It'd be wonderful.
I totally agree.
I just want to make sure everyone gets their money's worth, 'cause, like, I'm I'm pretty close to being a legit instructor, so Sorry, I'm so sorry.
I would really love to do this, you know.
I mean, while I'm still here.
You, um, you should do it.
You should teach it.
Great, let's do this.
Okay.
Excuse me.
You, , ready to slide and glide? Let's go for some magic gliders! Come on, pussies! Oh, God.
Dude, what do you think is worse? Constipation or diarrhea? Constipation, I think.
Diarrhea, I'm like, okay.
Uh, Ilana, you think you could do me a favor and take all the staples out of these? Then why did I spend hours stapling all these documents together? I even ran out halfway through to buy more staples.
You took an hour-and- And we have a cabinet full of staples here.
All good points by Nicole.
I want to reiterate that no one asked you to do that.
In fact, I specifically said, please, don't staple these.
It's the same piece of paper.
The same piece of paper.
The same piece of paper.
You know what? I'll just unstaple it.
Come on, faster! What's wrong with you people? Faster! Do it! Push it! Yes, Todd, what's up? Ilana, how come every time I e-mail you, I get an out-of-office reply that says you're in Mexico? Honestly, I do it to buy myself some time because I am so overworked.
We all are.
Today I got eight e-mails.
Speaking of that, you have to start using your company e-mail address.
Why, Todd? So I can be another cog in your machine? What's my e-mail gonna be? "Business at the white man dot biz"? What's wrong with my personal e-mail? It's IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.
com.
How do you not see that that's inappropriate? To remind every client immediately of a vagina? And a mind, dude.
Good job today.
Nice work.
You need to work harder.
I'm gonna be on your ass.
Hey, Janice, can I speak with you for a second? Yeah.
You know, you're not an official instructor here, but the way you took initiative today was very solstice.
Would you ever consider being a sub? Hey, Trey? They found Bryce and Zandir.
They're dead.
Thank you, Jenna.
Can you start today? I don't know, I mean, it wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.
But sure.
Great.
Now, this a sensitive question, but would your sickly body allow for that? I can't afford to lose another teacher.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
I mean, you clearly have cancer.
Don't be ashamed.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Me and my bandmates, we shaved our heads to raise awareness for our band.
We're going on tour.
Oh, cool.
Oh Abbi, hey, I know you're not working today, but we could really use some Abbi magic.
There's a pube situation in the locker room that is unprecedented.
Oh, when there's a pube situation, you call on old Abbi.
When there's something that actually matters, you just go another way.
Ilana, this thing that you brought in for company morale? It's very distracting.
You have to take it down.
Hey, come on.
Everybody loves it.
Everybody hates it! Oh, I love him.
Come on, it's my job to improve morale.
No, it is your job to do sales.
Well, then I'd like to transfer to corporate morale.
Corporate morale is not a department! It doesn't exist! God! Everybody's really riding my ass today.
I don't know how you keep such a happy face on.
Day 274.
Five hours late, wearing a napkin as a shirt, violently high.
I'm becoming a corporate yes man.
I'm like, yes, Mr.
George Bush.
Whatever you say, Mr.
George Bush.
What? I know, I know.
Dick Cheney, go easy on me, dude.
Before I know it, I'm gonna wake up and be 23 and my life's gonna be behind me.
You know that I'm 25, right? Abbi, you are ageless.
That's a different thing.
Okay.
Okay, so what's this thing you're doing tonight? Okay, so remember my hot rich friend from NYU, Parker? Yeah.
So she invited me to this, like, SoHo rooftop party and I know you're not gonna want to go, but I have to, I need this.
No, no, no, I want to go.
I'm in.
Really? Yeah, I wanna go.
Oh, my God, I thought I'd have to go through a whole rigamarole to get you to No, no, no.
That's dope, dude.
Perfect opportunity to introduce, like, the new me.
Yeah.
No more Mr.
Nice Abbi, no more no more cleaning up other people's pubes.
And, you know, getting screwed by people that end up not having cancer.
No, I'm stepping I am stepping it up.
From here on out, I am stepping it up.
If anyone's gonna pretend like they have cancer, it's gonna be me.
You know what? I look too nice.
You look really nice, yeah.
No, I look like vanilla.
Oh.
Let's go shopping.
First one's fine, I think.
Yeah.
Your ass looks incredible.
Okay.
And your head and body, too.
Thanks.
But we all know who's the star of the show here.
Ilana.
That'll be $438.
That's real.
There.
You know what? It's good.
This is a great day.
Let me ask you a quick question.
What is your return policy? It's 30 days.
I will see you in 30 days, then.
Bitch! You still need to sign the receipt.
I would love to do that.
Sorry about that communication mishap.
Okay.
You know what's cool about this party? We're the sexiest girls here.
'Cause we have, like, the fattest asses, you know? Like, we're the most -able.
Yeah, I mean, look at all these fashion chic basic bitches.
I love your dress.
Thank you so much, I literally just bought it.
So cute.
Oh, my God, there's Parker.
Parker, hey.
Ilana.
Ilana Wexler.
From NYU.
We were roommates for a second.
Oh, my God, Ilana, you're so cute.
So what's this party for? It's amazing.
It's for change.
Okay.
Ciao, Rodrigo! See ya.
Damn, we are so hot right now.
Like, paparazzi all up in our face.
You know, sometimes I feel, like, a million miles away from the office.
You know, like that's robot me and this is real me.
I'm not a robot.
Let's get drunk.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Okay.
Move, honk, honk.
Pardon me.
Out of the way, clavicle.
Okay, five-nine, I can't even, like, deal with you right now.
Oh, do you guys all have drinks already? Maybe you should, then, get the hell away from the bar, great.
Is anyone even working at this bar? Yes, hi.
What can I get you? Um, I don't know, what are the drinks? The West Nile Coolatta is very popular, but I would recommend "The sex trafficking on the beach" or "The tsunami slide.
" Well, I guess that I will have two "Tsunami slide" 's, even though that name, I think, is a little bit ridiculous.
Well, 6% of the proceeds go to the tsunami.
What tsunami? Whichever one happens next.
Forward thinking, I guess, then.
Or corruption.
Can I interest anyone in a dose of reality? Some mac and cheese ball fried and truffoiled.
Oh, yeah.
I am saying yes to that.
Just now a child in South America died of starvation.
Would you like another? You know what? I would.
Yeah.
They're very good.
They're really good.
Just now a child in South Amer Hold on, do you just have one fact that you repeat? Well, you're the first people to actually want a second.
Wait! Um, uh, right now Just now, a child in South America died of starvation.
Thank you.
This is the men's room.
Adoy! Let's go, buddy! We got people with full bladders out here.
Occupied.
No, no, no.
Not today! What the hell? Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Hey.
Can you guys play something else? This church bell techno song still has 27 minutes left.
When it's done, can you play, like, I don't know, '90s hip-hop? We've been asked to play whale songs, so that's probably not gonna happen.
You know, I can't, like, move my damn ass to this? You know what I mean? It's like Bad music.
All right.
You know what? We can probably find something for you.
Cool.
I like that "I Dream of Jeannie" hair.
Thanks.
You grant wishes? You've only done coke once? Ew.
Hey! I've cleaned more pubes than you have on your entire body.
I look at you for a second, I can tell you got no pubes.
You're right.
Damn right I'm right.
I know when I'm right.
Damn right I'm right! I should probably give you some cash 'cause I've coked a lot of this.
Life is infinite, you know? I'm a collector of experiences.
We all are.
Oh, hundred percent, bro.
It's the truth.
But tonight, it's like, what could tonight lead to? Like, my friend Abbi she's Hang on.
You got a friend? Who's a female? Yeah, chocolate brown eyes, ass of an angel.
Um, where's she at? I can make you hot like 600 degrees Miss Goosebumps Your knees twist You're now under the influence What I mean is make the pole bounce Make moves back to the pad uhh You love the sound of that So it must be You down use the town Miss Cindy She a sexy little thing Miss Cindy She a sexy little thing Ab! Oh, man, look at this spot I got.
Okay, there's these, like, DJs and they're, like, cute, but like douchey but cute and - What's going on? - Hey.
Ho, whoa.
Ooh.
That is some soft skin right there.
What kind of lotion do you use? You know, like, normal stuff.
Yeah, like Occitane? Yeah, oh you, yeah.
Oh my God, oh, oh, my God.
You guys, we need to get the hell out of here.
Let's do it.
Oh, you guys are You're working, you gotta spin.
No, not really.
No, no, no, it's a playlist on shuffle.
We can leave whenever we want.
Okay.
Let's go.
I gotta say goodbye to all my friends.
Bye, guys.
Great.
Okay, just a couple more, I think.
Oh, my God.
I can't even believe I just did seven flights.
God, just hold on.
A lot of flights.
Welcome.
Okay.
Okay.
How do you do this every day? Nice backpack.
You guys have a really great apartment.
So many cool pieces.
Great, like, cabinets and Right, enough.
Beard, where your room at? Right back there on the right.
Oh, God, finally.
Later.
Oops.
That's too many.
You wanna? Yeah, sure, okay.
Yeah? Okay.
That's dope.
That's my art.
Oh, cool.
What is this? That's a little embarrassing.
That's my grandfather's sweater.
He's dead and this is the last thing of his I have.
Sometimes I sleep in it, you know, it just reminds you of him.
Would you put it on? Sure.
Were you, like, close with him? He was, like, my best friend, you know? We did tons of stuff together.
He taught me how to fish, skip stones, whittle.
Did you, like, cry, when he died? Can I be honest with you? Please.
I cried so hard I thought I didn't have any more tears left in me.
Oh, my God.
He was like my best friend, you know? And my worst enemy.
Totally.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I want to take this slow.
It's gonna take a long time to get my dress off, so that's gonna It's kind of super slow.
You know what? We should go up to the roof, the view is sick.
Okay.
It sounds super sexy and romantic.
So romantic.
Oh, my God, what the Holy shit! What? Are you kidding me? I just don't really understand.
What'd you guys think? That we were just gonna, like, make out up here all together? No! I just came up here 'cause the view is so beautiful, like you.
Yeah, I was like, oh, my God.
I gotta take this gorgeous girl up to see my gorgeous view.
Yeah, it's the best part of our apartment, so we were both just taking advantage of the the view.
I swear to God, dudes, this was an honest mistake.
Let me talk to you.
I don't know, I mean Ilana, he swore to God.
What are you, a Christian, dude? No, I'm not Christian, but I respect swearing to some higher Why, do you want to leave? No, no, I want to stay.
I'm, like, so hard right now.
Ew, you're hard? Yeah, I know you don't like the word "horny.
" No, I don't like the word "horny," but I'm not a big fan of "hard," either, for a lady.
Listen, I think that this was just a big misunderstanding.
All right.
Okay, that's fine.
We're in.
We're done.
We understand, it's a coincidence.
You're not creepy, you're cute.
All right, we're back in? Yeah! Okay.
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, your beard, oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Sweet like candy.
I eat sour straws like every day.
Watermelon? You're sweet like candy.
No, you are.
You are.
I'm what? You are sweet Wait, wait.
Maybe you could, um, just I don't want to do, like, a full circle thing.
Oh, okay, okay.
Hey, bro.
Hey.
Shower's all set, you ready to go? Yeah, awesome.
I feel so gross.
Not from you, just from the bar and the Hey, shut up.
I love smelly girls.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What are you doing? What are you doing? Guys, guys.
This is just a hilarious coincidence.
I know, maybe we should just go with it.
Oh, God! No, we are not going with it.
You suck! You're kidding me! You asses! Insane.
Of course you're not supposed to go home with DJs.
Ow! Or roommates.
You got my hair, you got my hair.
Don't rip it, I still want to return this.
Oh, well, well, well.
What's happening here? Can you throw on some sweats? It's insane.
I mean, maybe I should just do J-Date or something.
Just, like, you can't meet people and just go home with them.
Kill us.
Hold on a second, there's an elevator? You guys made us walk up eight flights of stairs, you sick! Get away! weirdos.
We were so close.
I know.
Ugh.
You know what, though? Three out of 12 is still a respectable number.
I'm happy with it.
I have to be back in the office in six hours.
What a waste.
Thanks a lot, Halliburton.
What does Halliburton have to do with your work? I I don't know.
I don't know.
Okay.
I'm just pissed, dude.
I'm pissed though guys, like, thought they had to trick us.
Agreed.
You know, with bells and whistles.
Meanwhile, if they'd just been direct, we would have been down and open-minded We would not have been down.
I would not have done that.
I mean an orgy in a non-sexual way.
Just for, like, the Arc de Triomphe, that's it.
What's an Arc de Triomphe? It's when two dudes go down on us, this is how I picture it.
And they're butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.
Oh, I see, I see now.
Totally non-sexual.
We just stare at each other, right? As the dudes go down on us at the same time? Yeah, exactly.
So we're making a lot of eye contact.
Exactly, it's like a feminism thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm being sarcastic.
Oh, yeah.