Bunheads (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Previously on Bunheads Michelle, Prince Charming here for you again.
What? Oh, come on! He's sweet and harmless.
Every time he comes to town he brings you things and buys you dinner.
Marry me.
Well.
this is it.
Our home.
- Oh, I could stay here forever.
- That's the plan.
Who's this? Mom! Yes, Mom! Hubbell was in a car accident last night.
- Madame Fanny's Hubbell? - Yep.
- Bad? - Yep.
- And? - He's - What? He's what? - You know.
- I don't know.
- Oh my God, he's dead? - Paperwork? - Just some signatures.
- Signature for what? - For the will transfer.
I thought he told you.
He called me on the way back from Vegas.
- He left everything to you.
- Fanny: Homeless? - You're not homeless.
- Talk about the fact that I'm jobless? - You're not jobless! - Fanny: As of today, you own the ballet school.
No, you own the school.
I just own the building and the land the school is sitting on.
Are you leaving? I don't know.
This is your home, Fanny.
You are gonna live here and I'm going to move into the guest house.
- ( Birds chirping ) - ( Distant barking ) ( Shakily exhales ) ( Whispers ) Oh my.
( Cellphone dials ) ( Whispers ) There's something in my bed.
What? Speak up.
I can't hear you.
( Softly ) There's something in my bed.
Oh.
Well, just give him some cab fare - and change the locks.
- It's not a man.
- It's a thing.
- A thing? - A nature thing.
- Like a Tsunami? - Oh my God, is it a rat? - I don't know what it is.
- I'm asking you if it's a rat.
- I hate rats.
- Just get out of bed.
- I can't.
I can't move.
- Michelle.
- I'm paralyzed with rat fear.
- Just take a picture.
- For posterity?! Take a picture of the thing with your cellphone and send it to me so I can see what it is - and end this conversation.
- Oh.
O-o-o-- okay, that's a good idea.
- Should I say "cheese"? - Now you're making jokes? Sorry, I toured with David Brenner for a year.
- ( Softly ) Okay.
- ( Beeps ) - ( Camera shutter clicks ) - Ugh.
( Beeps ) Okay, I just sent it to you.
( Beeps ) - It's not a rat.
- Oh good.
- It's a possum - Oh.
which is basically a really big rat.
Okay, have you ever worked at a crisis hotline before? - 'Cause you got mad people skills.
- It won't hurt you.
They only attack if they're in heat.
Or is that bears? I don't know.
I'm not Jack Hanna.
Grab a frying pan and bang it on the head.
Okay, first of all, I don't cook.
And second of all, I'm not banging it on its head, 'cause if I do and his giant rat friends get wind of it, they'll start circulating giant rat wanted posters with my face on 'em, and I could wake up one morning and find myself surrounded by a giant rat posse.
Come save me.
- I'm hanging up now.
- To come save me? Yes, I'll be right there.
( Beeps ) She's not coming to save me.
- ( Hissing ) - Ah! Ah.
( Theme music playing ) 1x05 - Money for Nothing - Original air date July 16, 2012 - Fanny: Fallon Meats, 724.
- Truly: 724.
Box 1.
Fritzy's Cleaners, 162.
- 162.
- It moved and I fled.
- Box 2.
- Do you have any peanut butter? Handyman, 88.
14.
- We need a cheaper handyman - I was thinking if I put some peanut butter on some crackers and then stick it just outside the front door, I could coax him out and have a place to live again.
- Stationary store - You don't have any peanut butter.
- 99.
75.
- or crackers.
- No, wait-- 76.
- or food.
No.
75.
I'm sorry.
Is that a five or a six? - It's a three.
- Oh.
99.
73.
You think a possum would like powdered yeast? - What are you doing in my kitchen? - I told you.
- Ooh, nuts.
Do they like nuts? - Who? - Michelle has a visitor in her bedroom.
- Already? It's a possum.
He's in my bed.
Oh.
Oh, that's horrifying.
It is horrifying.
You know, truly, I can't go back in there until he's gone.
Maybe I could bunk with you tonight? What do you say? We could practice kissing our pillows, pull a "fast times at Richmond High" with some carrot sticks.
I never know what you're talking about.
- Neither does she.
- Hey, what's going on? - It's paying season.
- What's paying season? Twice a year, Truly and I go through my bills, add up what's owed, sort out who gets what, balance the books, write the checks - and settle all my business accounts.
- I'm sorry.
Clarify: You only pay your bills twice a year? That's the way we do it in paradise.
Everyone has a paying season, don't they, Truly? Uh-huh.
Mine is when the bills come in, but Fanny's system works great too.
I divide all my bills into four hatboxes.
Box #1 is for people who have to get paid, like electric.
You only pay your electric bill twice a year? Well, I've known Fred forever.
Box #2 is for people who should get paid.
They've earned it, they've waited, so they get first shot after people in box #1, - the ones that have to get paid.
- Huh.
Now box #3 is for people who might get paid.
Maybe they were too aggressive in their billing practices or rude to deal with.
Whatever the reason, they need to wait until the other accounts are settled, and then if there's anything left over, we'll see what we can do.
Now this last box-- we're not sure what's in here.
There are a lot of things that might be receipts or they might be trash, but we're keeping them in case we get audited.
Every day in your house is like a Kristen Wiig film festival.
Go away now.
We're busy.
Okay fine, but I'm taking the nuts.
These nuts.
You two can stay where you are.
Two-tops shall remain two-tops.
Four-tops shall remain four-tops.
No two at a four, no four at a two-- mainly 'cause there aren't enough chairs.
- Did you get that joke? - Got it.
Good.
Now most places tell their employees they must wash their hands every time they use the bathroom.
Not me.
I'm more of an every-20-minutes guy myself.
See this? - Ouch.
- Yup, chapped raw.
Bleed at night.
And that's not from plowing fields, my friend.
- You know what that's from? - Frequent hand washing.
Frequent hand washing.
Exactly.
Now I can't vouch for the guys back there in the kitchen, but up here I promise you can eat right off our hands.
- Or with them.
- I'll handle the jokes for now.
- Sorry.
- Listen, wipe that table, will you? I don't wipe tables now that I'm a senior manager.
Now each table is named after a college I want to go to.
The bigger the table, the more I want to go to that college.
Amherst.
This is Berkeley.
You see that table over there? Table six? Seats eight.
Harvard.
I really want to go to Harvard.
Groups of three, my section.
Be right with you guys.
Groups of two, your section; Unless it looks like they're on their first date, then that's gonna be my section.
Any group of kids that look like they're coming in to share a plate of fries-- your section.
Anyone with yoga pants-- your section.
Any women coming in with shopping bags and look like they're settling in for the afternoon to have some drinks, complain about their husbands-- - your section.
- You're learning.
Now part of your job-- the dumpster jump.
I'm sorry.
What? If the trash is up too high, the top won't close and the garbage truck won't pick it up, so someone has to go inside and squash the trash, which is best accomplished by a repetitive jumping motion.
- Up and down.
- You want me to get in the dumpster? No, I don't want you to.
It's just part of the job.
- Now? - Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
- Could you-- - What if I'm not here? What if I'm off at Harvard? What then? Right.
( Grunts ) ( Shrieks ) Good.
Now jump.
Yeah.
No, give it some oomph.
More oomph.
Come on.
You're a dancer, right? Just give it some height.
Yeah, there you go.
Ah.
So do you have a boyfriend? - Ooh, so cute.
Aids? - Whales.
- Nice.
- Yeah, "Save the whales.
" It's my cause, my thing.
It defines me.
So you're showing your support for the environment by wearing synthetic rubber bands made from petroleum-- a valuable natural resource that you're wasting-- - to make a statement? - Well, they're pink.
- What's that smell? - I know, all of a sudden it totally stinks.
- Are there horses on the property? - No, it's not that.
- Did the septic tank back up? - No, it's more of a smell - like when my mom makes chili.
- Oh, you're right.
- It smells like a Super Bowl party.
- But an old Super Bowl party from like the first Super Bowl and it's all covered in burnt microwave popcorn.
I took four showers, okay? - It won't come out.
- Oh my God, it's you? Yes, it's me.
It's me.
The smell is me.
- But what happened? - I got a job at the Oyster Bar.
People have to work.
The economy is bad.
- Watch the news.
- ( Girls cough ) I'll go change downwind.
- ( Sprays ) - ( Girls gag ) - Oh God.
- ( Coughs ) - Hey.
- God! - What's going on in there? - I-- Wait Sorry, manners.
Sal Russano, proprietor of the local dancewear store-- - "Sal's Dancy Pants.
" Nice to meet you.
- Nice to-- I'm aware that Fanny's paying season starts today, and I just wanna know what box I'm in - Oh.
- Because for the last three years I've been in the might-get-paid box.
As it turns out, I never got paid.
Well, to be fair, you were in the might-get-paid box.
I'm just saying if I get put into the might-get-paid box again, - I have to be paid.
- Then you'll be in the have-to-get-paid box.
Look, I don't care how the system works.
I want my money.
I have expenses.
And I swear to God if I don't get paid this year, something's gonna happen.
You hear me? You tell Fanny if I wind up in the wrong box, I'm gonna come down there and I'm gonna rip the toe shoes right off those little girls.
- Wow.
- Mid-jete, they're coming off.
Okay, will do.
I'll tell her right after I call 911.
- You're a dancer.
- What? - You look like a dancer from the back.
- Uh, yeah, I am.
I can always tell by the tush.
Dancers have a very specific tush, and different kinds of dancers have different kinds of tushes.
- Really? - Oh yeah, tap dancer's tush is always higher, 'cause they keep jumping up and down all the time.
Ballet dancers have a nice centered tush.
Fosse's got a very contoured tush-- a lot of side indentation.
But you-- you have a sort of multi-tush.
I see some ballet, a little tap, maybe some modern.
That's a good trained tush.
- Thank you.
- What are you gonna do with that tush? - Rent it out for functions? - You live here now.
- Yes.
- No dance companies here.
- I know.
- No Broadway, no Regional.
We had "stomp" here once, but that's a very specific thing.
Ever dance with a trash-can cover? - No.
- Well, then unless that tush can type, - you should be dancing.
- I never said I wasn't.
You're not gonna have that tush forever.
Can we talk about my knees for a while? Oh, and I sense some frustration with this topic of conversation.
- Do ya? - I'm done.
But just remember-- a tush is a terrible thing to waste.
Come by the store.
First time, 50% off.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Remember to tel Fanny.
- Mid-jete, shoes ripped off.
Got it.
Fanny, there's an ass-man in your bushes who wants to know what box he's in.
Could that sound any dirtier? ( Wind gusts ) I found your phone bill.
I can't reach it.
Is it important? It's all important.
They're bills.
I told you we should start putting this all on a computer.
Oh, so now this is my fault? Who opened the door? It's hot and you won't put on the air conditioning! ( Wind gusts ) Oh! Oh, grab 'em! Oh! Oh, for God's sake.
Half of march is behind the TV.
I'm starting to wonder how you ever made a profit at Sparkles.
( Angrily ) I have a computer at Sparkles.
Calm down, I'll help.
Just remind me what goes in which hatbox and we'll have this system up and not working in no time.
- What time is it? - Please say time for your meds.
I have to go.
I have a class to teach.
- What? - Yov can't just leave.
- Truly can handle this.
- The place is a wreck.
She's fine.
You're fine.
- See? She's fine.
- She's not fine! - Look at her eyes.
She's the girl who hides - ( Door opens ) - the chicken under her bed in "Girl, Interrupted.
" - ( Door closes ) There's too many.
There's too many! Oh, to stay, to go? To stay, to go-- gotta go.
Yo, flowers, these are your finances.
You need to start taking things seriously.
Since when do you have such business acumen? Since some guy named Sal threatened to rip the toe shoes off your students if he doesn't get paid.
Sal's not gonna do that.
Sal's niece is in my class.
- Sal's a pussycat.
- Well, pussycat's mad.
In fact, half this town is mad.
Gilda at the mini-mart won't sell me a slushee till she finds out if she's a must, a might or a maybe.
- Just pay people, Fanny.
- It'll all get sorted out.
- Fanny, how much do you owe? - That's what I'm figuring out.
- How much in your account? - Before or after? - Before or after what? - Before or after I pay some of the people I owe.
- Or all the people you owe.
- That's not gonna happen.
- That's why I have hat boxes.
- Okay, that's it.
I'm going to go in there right now and I'm going to find an accountant-- a real one with a desk and a degree who you can't make cry.
Oh, Truly cries over cloud cover.
- You have to ignore her.
- Go teach, Fanny.
- I got this.
- I'm not going to an accountant.
I'm not giving up my hatboxes.
So the parents say it's cool you guys come over Saturday night.
- I'm there.
- Ginny? Sounds great.
Just let me check with my mom.
Ginny We all know that's not your mom.
- Yes, it is.
- There's a red heart emoticon next to "hiya.
" Seriously? You have to check everything with Josh? - Not everything.
- Everything.
Every single damn thing.
Well, Saturday is a big day for us, okay? We have to do chores, pick up potting soil for my mom's shed, get stamps, take Grandma to the button store.
- You are 100.
- Boo, your table.
Okay, we're good.
We'll do our CSis on Sunday.
You guys have been together since, what, third grade? Second-- Miss Marsh's class.
First day he sat next to me and by lunch that was it.
- We were soulmates.
- In second grade? So what if I found my soulmate in the second grade? It's romantic.
And convenient.
Very practical.
One less thing for me to worry about.
- It's so weird.
- You like Josh.
I do like Josh.
It's still weird.
Yeah, who sticks with a decision they made in the second grade? I can't even stick with decisions I made yesterday.
- Isn't that my shirt? - You gave it to me.
- I want it back.
See? - ( Bell dings ) - All right, let's hear it.
- Hear what? Yes, the jeans have pleats and I'm wearing a button the size of my head.
- We're just here to be supportive.
- Yeah, and as pleats go, they're not that pleaty.
- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously, Boo, it's not that big a deal.
You look fine.
Plus the whole place smells like rancid onions, anyway, - so you totally blend in.
- Uh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Now that that's behind us, let's talk.
This little job of yours-- - what's in it for us? - Meaning? We are young women with no monetary stability at the moment and yet are so so hungry.
Alyssa Milano cries when she sees us.
I can probably sneak you guys some fries.
- Onion rings? - Jeff counts the rings in the back.
- What about the mozzarella sticks? - Possibility.
- What about the clams? - ( Whispers ) You so do not want the clams.
How's this? Fries, breadsticks and hide some chicken strips in there.
Ginny: No chicken for me.
We're vegetarians now.
- "We"? - Yes, me and Josh-- we're vegetarians.
- Since when? - Since Josh's cholesterol went up.
Wait, Josh has high cholesterol? - He's 15.
- It's not high high, but it ticked up slightly and he does have a family history of it.
My mistake.
You're 200.
Oh my God.
( Melanie gasps ) Whoa! No way.
Boo, when did Godot get back from Costa Rica? - Yesterday.
- And you didn't tell us? I didn't know I was supposed to.
Melanie: Oh, he's even cuter than last year, isn't he? Way cuter.
Ginny, look.
- No thanks.
- Oh, come on.
Just 'cause you have a boyfriend, you can't even look at a cute guy? That has nothing to do with it.
I don't think he's that cute.
You are the worst liar in the world.
Melanie: Must be nice to having your parents own a restaurant so you can just come and go whenever you want.
- For God's sake, Ginny.
- What? I mean, what's there to look at, anyway? He's probably just standing there with his shirt off.
- Is his shirt off? - Yeah.
His shirt is off.
That's a God.
He's a God.
Nobody tell Josh I just saw God.
But I thought you and Josh were soulmates.
I met him in the second grade.
How the hell am I supposed to know if Josh is my soulmate, for Christmas's sake? Girls, I hate to interrupt this installment of Occupy Oyster Bar, but, Boo ( Snaps fingers ) - What's he snapping about? - You don't want to know.
Although the Bookkeeping is unconventional, there's enough raw data to allow me to analyze the capital allowances.
Now if I could just find the B2C debits or the B3Cs.
Hey.
You made me come here.
Sorry, I'm back.
Continue with the-- okay, now as for the all-important capital expenditures, I've broken it into two parts.
We can't ignore the significance of these expenditures on the net losses.
( Crunching ) - Very classy.
- Don't you agree? - I'm sorry.
- Am I talking too fast for you? No, not at all.
If anything I wish he'd talk faster.
I mean, I'm just so bored.
Aren't you bored? I haven't understood a word he said since, "hi, my name is Bob.
" Eric.
My name is Eric.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Let's just cut to the chase.
( Sighs ) I've gone through everything and your problem isn't just this ludicrous organizational system.
- Your problem is income.
- Meaning? You need some.
I mean, have you two sat down and thought about how all this is going to work? Okay, let's start with Michelle.
Wait, how did I get into trouble? Your husband left you property, two cars.
.
one that works.
.
two small C.
D's, a bank account that if you manage very very wisely will keep everything going for a while, but not forever.
You need some income.
The ballet school helps, right? Eric: It would if they had any students.
Whoa, what are you talking about? That place is lousy with students.
Her classes are packed.
Sorry paying students, and according to these records, most of the students do not pay.
They don't? Is he right about this, Fanny? I guess so.
I'm assuming you got us a decent accountant.
I'm sorry.
Why don't they all pay? Well, there are scholarships.
- How many scholarships? - I don't know exactly.
- How many kids in the school? - 75.
- And how many students pay? - Nine.
- Nine?! - Nine.
- Nine? Nine? - You sound like a German.
- Nine? - Are we done here? - Nine? - Come on.
- Nine! - Say auf wiedersehen - to the nice accountant man.
- Nine? Nine? - Fanny.
- ( Snaps fingers ) Fanny! - Fanny.
- Ow! Ow! I'm sorry, but the whole way home you were listening to-- really? - I'm gonna make some tea.
- You weren't listening to anything.
- There's no music on this.
- I haven't had a chance to fill it yet.
The entire car ride you sat there listening to nothing like you're 15 and no one asked you to prom.
I wasn't in the mood for a lecture.
We need to talk about this.
And I'm still not in the mood.
Look, as far as I can tell, the Woo twins are the only family regularly paying for lessons.
I'm an artist, okay? I don't think about money.
I'm here to create art and to create other artists.
Any child who wants to dance should be able to dance, period.
I respect that, I do, but given the fact that hardly anyone pays, they're technically not dancers, they're squatters.
Squatters who dance-- sound very Pina Bausch.
You must like her-- she's German too.
You're in the business of teaching and should be paid for it.
That's kind of how the whole capitalist thing works.
Well, how about a girl like Sarah? Sarah's father lost his job last month.
If Sarah stops going to classes, - she moves straight to crack.
- Really? Crack? There's nothing between toe shoes and crack? - Not even a Grateful Dead album? - It's my business.
I know, but it's our place, our home, and we need to be able to pay for it.
The dance studio simply can't survive like it is.
Hubbell's not around to save the day any more.
For either of us.
So we need to start thinking outside the box.
( Kettle whistling ) How about we add some more classes? What about tap? I don't know.
It's so loud when they tap around.
- It's tap.
- No tap.
Okay, fine.
Then how about some non-dance classes, like zumba or toddler classes? People love to spend money on toddlers.
Or dogs.
You could teach one of those dancing dog classes, like on "Letterman" where people ballroom dance with their Dalmatians? I just lost the mature person's upper hand, didn't I? - Big time.
- Okay, fine.
No dogs.
But the other idea-- the one about the more classes-- that should be a start, right? Sure, I'll just add some baby classes - Good.
- And some tap classes and some zumba classes and some jazzercise and dancing with the oldies.
And I'll do all of this because I have so much spare time and energy after teaching 30 classes a week.
Unless you were thinking of helping out.
- Me? - You could teach.
Me? Teach? No no no no no.
- Why not? - No no no no.
I don't teach.
Oh, I see.
So your plan was to drag me to the accountant to show me how much money we don't have and then do absolutely nothing about it.
You want me to do something about it? I will.
I'll get your students to pay.
- What? - You don't want to ask them, I will.
I can be the bad cop.
You don't believe me? Ask Tia Zeleno.
Tia and I were working together on the Celine Dion show and she owed me $50.
Every week she said she didn't have it.
She had all these excuses as to why she couldn't get it.
She sprained an ankle, rent, kidney, blah blah blah.
I wound up having to steal her shoes and key her car, but that was a whole boyfriend thing.
Anyhow guess who got her 50 bucks back? And boom! That's how it's done! So what do you think? I think you'd be a very good teacher.
Sorry, I can't hear you over the music.
- Michelle-- - Ooh, it's a good song.
(Whispers) - Do you see him? (Normal voice) - No, do you? - Shh, not so loud.
- Sorry.
- ( Whispers ) I'm sorry.
- Sit.
Act casual.
So how do I look? - Good.
How do I look? - Good.
- Not as good as me, but good.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Will you two please stop acting so obvious? What happened to having a boyfriend? I have no idea what you're talking about.
I am just here to hang out with you guys.
- In that? - What? Oh this? I'm seeing Josh later.
This is for Josh.
This is all for Josh.
Except for he only gets to touch 20% of it.
- Pshaw.
- Man: Hey, ladies.
It's him, 3:00.
Oh, he's taller and better-looking than yesterday.
- Bastard! - I'm just happy he's finally wearing a shirt.
So what's the plan? Yeah, what are we going to do besides sit here and stare at him? Which, by the way, is exactly what that table over there is already doing.
Welcome to the Oyster Bar.
Here are your French fries that you ordered before coming in.
Now I'm going to tell you about today's specials.
Boo, you don't need to do that.
Would you like me to start with the appetizers first? - Not really.
- We can't even afford the free fries.
My manager's watching, so I am going to act like you are all super interested in hearing every one of today's delicious specials.
'Kay? Today we have shrimp parmesan, eggplant diablo, clams casino and blackened mahi mahi.
How about some waters to go with the fries? - Mmm.
- And more ketchup.
Coming right up! - You done? - I'm good.
Thanks, bro.
Okay, we can take a break from staring.
So what? We're gonna sit here, not staring until he comes over? 'Cause then I'm not sure what's gonna bring him over.
At least if we do stare, there's a chance he'll come over to tell us not to be so creepy.
I'm just having one of those days that feels like a lifetime.
Ever have one of those lifetime days filled with crazy people who don't make any sense? - Uh-- - Well-- Now I don't want to badmouth anyone-- like Fanny-- but some people are so crazy-- like Fanny-- that they can't even see that they need to take responsibility for their actions-- like Fanny Fanny Fanny Fanny Fanny, you know? - Why are you hanging out with us? - 'Cause you have fries.
And Fanny makes me want fries-- no, need fries.
Believe me, you would be willing to hang out with kids 15 years younger than you if you had my life lately.
- 20 years younger.
- Let's say 17 and split the difference.
Mm, these are so good.
Why are you guys all dressed for a quinceanera? - We're not.
- And you smell like oranges.
We have fruit in our bags.
We're dancers, we eat fruit.
Oh, come on, you can tell me, I just shared.
Wait, what are you looking-- Oh hey, what do you need? Aha.
Hello, moondoggy! Would you stop being so obvious?! Turn around! Okay.
Who is he? - His name is Godot.
- So you're all "Waiting for Godot"? You're so lucky you have fries.
- He's Rico and Nina's son.
- He's back in town.
He's been gone for months traveling the world to surf.
- And he's gorgeous.
- ( Sniffs ) - Oh hi, Boo.
- How did you know it was me? - Uh, you know, you have a distinctive walk.
- Smell.
- No offense.
- I thought I blended in here! So what's your angle with this guy? - What are your moves? - We don't really have any.
Oh, so you need me to help? Cool.
Okay, first thing to know about guys like that is keep your sentences short.
Don't mention Tolstoy or math, it will just make you sad.
Oh, and it really helps if you have a car and an income, - 'cause that guy's got nothin'.
- Thanks.
And he never will.
No money, no car, no thoughts of money or a car.
Trust me, if there's a second set of shorts at home, you've hit the jackpot.
- Got it.
- Good.
Oh, and he won't start showering till he's 30.
Or he's been skunked.
Don't know why.
It's a thing.
Young pretty guys like that will do anything to get out of bathing.
- Johnny Depp moved to France.
- Could you please just go? Oh right yeah, I'm cramping your style.
Here, I'm gonna-- I'm just gonna-- All right, surf's up! Rock on! - Wear sunscreen.
- Leave! ( Laughs ) This is stupid.
I feel stupid.
You're right.
We should just go.
- We can't go.
- Well then, what are we gonna do? 'Cause I don't want to just keep sitting here.
I bet I can get him to give me a drink.
- You can not.
- Just watch.
( Sighs ) Whoops.
Can't take me anywhere.
What do I want? Such a good selection here.
The place across the street, they only have half as many bottles as this place does, maybe even fewer bottles at that other bar I've been to where they have almost no bottles on the bottle shelf.
You, however, have a lot of bottles.
Yep.
So do you like bartending? Do you want something from the bar? Sure, I'll have a, uh, a A Temple Grandin.
A what? Just a cup of cherries, please.
- Good? - Thanks.
- Those are cherries.
- I know, right? He's a lot of work.
( Yelps ) Ew.
- ( Groans ) - What are you doing? - Dumpster jumping.
- For, like, a contest? No.
It's part of my job.
- What job? - My job.
So you're like the trash-compactor girl or something? Waitress.
Are there customers in there? No, just trash.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to grasp the whole concept here.
Why are you doing that? - Well, Jeff said-- - ( Mimics buzzer ) I'm sorry.
Jeff made you do that? - Douche.
- No, no douche.
- Douchebag.
Out.
- But-- - get out of the trash, senorita.
- But Jeff's the senior manager.
There is no senior manager or junior manager or manager.
The parents aren't really into labels.
Out.
Relax, I'll handle Jeff-- tell him Harvard burned down and watch him cry.
- He'd cry really hard.
- Yeah.
You know about table six, right? - Ooh yes.
- Oh yeah.
Ooh.
Thanks.
- Gnarly.
- Oh yeah.
- There's a lot of sauces in there.
- Here, wear this, it's clean.
Really? Thanks.
Oh my God! Have you been here all day? - Yes ma'am.
- Working? In the kitchen? The same kitchen I work in? - Why? - 'Cause my shirt smells like hoarders, but this-- this-- smells like a coconut snickerdoodle.
Spend a year surfing crystal waves, hiking up insane mountains above the Caribbean, watching dazzling Costa Rican sunsets-- that will change your smell.
- Completely.
- Wow.
Well, I should get back to work, - but thanks for the shirt.
- It's all just fabric to me.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wear dark green tights with the Daisy, light green with the tulip.
No trading! They try that every year and it never works.
- Kids.
- You said it.
That's a weeping willow, not a peeping willow, Darla.
Back down where it was.
Make sure all your friends and family buy their tickets soon.
The spring flower festival is very popular and this year we have that flower that only blooms once a year and smells terrible, tickets are going fast.
If you need alterations, take your costumes to Sparkles.
Truly is doing fittings every afternoon from 4:00 to 6:00.
Now we'll need extra rehearsal time this week, so all adagio classes will be running late.
Extra-long classes for the same price as regular classes? Wow, what a bargain! I'll say one thing about Balanchine, he never gave you a break.
Charged eight bucks for a sandwich too.
If you have your costumes and your instructions, you can go.
Excuse me a sec.
That's my cue.
Okay hello, people, hello hello hello.
A moment please! Plenty of time later to discuss how adorable little Timmy's gonna be as a petunia.
And he is.
But right now I have something else that needs to be discussed.
- What are you doing? - Bad cop.
- What? - Chiklis.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye - Fanny: Michelle.
- How's everybody doing tonight? Aren't those flower costumes great? A hand for Fanny.
Does this woman do a hell of a job or what? She is da bomb at making sure your kids don't bomb, am I right? - Please stop.
- Okay, so as everyone knows, the first of the month is next week.
And you all know what happens on the first of the month? Well, in most parts of the world, payment is due.
That's right.
Now I know in the past Paradise Dance Academy's policy on paying has been a little lax, but times, they are a changin'.
So starting now, everyone needs to pay for lessons.
Costumes like these don't grow on trees.
Even the tree costumes do not grow on trees.
We are running a business.
You bring your kids here to learn.
You want them to dance? You want fame? Well, fame costs.
And right here's where you start paying.
In money! I know you thought I was going to say "sweat," but we don't need sweat, we need money! You hear me? The gravy train is over.
The bus of freeloading has reached its destination.
It's time to get off and open a purse! Nothing, and I mean nothing in life is free! Yes, of course it's all still free.
What I meant was is, uh, I'm heavily medicated and yes, Fanny was just as surprised as anybody.
Anyway, so I'm really sorry that I made little Lucy cry and I hope you'll consider bringing her back so she can rehearse for next weekend.
Yes, my doctors are discussing a dosage increase as we speak.
( Phone ringing ) Can you hold on a sec? Paradise Dance Academy.
Thank you so much for getting back to me, Katie.
Ms.
Williams, of course.
I just wanted to apologize for going into your purse and grabbing your wallet like that.
It was more for dramatic effect than anything else.
You understand.
Had I any idea that you had that arrangement with Fanny Four mortgages? Wow, that's a lot of mortgage.
Okay, can we count on seeing Pam Saturday? 20 feet away from you and your family.
I do understand.
Thank you.
( Phones ringing ) Hello? Hi, Mrs.
Woo.
Yes, I know it seems like you're the only family paying full price for lessons, but that's just because Fanny loves your girls the best.
Yup yup, okay, that'll work.
See you Saturday.
Well, the good news is I managed to get back the bees, a tulip and one weeping willow.
The bad news-- the Woo twins get half off for two months and we have to buy their gas for a year.
How proud Chiklis must be right now.
- I'm so sorry.
- Six months of rehearsing for this show and I have half a flower garden to deal with.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, Fanny.
But the snapdragons won't even call me back and the pussy willow's mom is a snot! You better figure something out, because if we don't have enough people for that show, - you'll be wearing this.
- I'm trying.
- What's plan "B"? - I'll keep making calls - until I have everyone back.
- And then what? - And then I'll have everyone back.
- Then we're back to square one.
Actually, square -1 since the Woo twins - are now half off.
- I don't know what you want me to do.
- I want you to say you'll teach.
- No.
I can add more classes, we can grow the business.
- I don't teach.
- You've never tried.
- I don't teach.
- Then what do you do since leaving Vegas, except sleep with possums and fill the recycle bin with trashy magazines? - I have calls to make.
- I've seen you with those kids, you're good.
There are a lot of good teachers.
That dance you had them do for me? You put that together in hours.
And that night you showed up with Hubbell-- - that dance audition-- you're a natural.
- So what? They like you.
They connect with you.
I don't want them to get too connected.
I may not stay here forever.
- Then teach temporarily.
- I don't do anything half-assed.
- Currently you don't do anything at all.
- Enough, Fanny.
- Try, just try! - No! Now I'm sorry that I screwed up your show but I don't teach! You teach! That's you! Not me! - Tell Boo to hurry up.
We're already late.
- You're not coming in? I don't feel the need to smell like burnt garbage at the moment.
- You're not even going to turn off the car? - No.
Why? It's weird.
It's like we're robbing the place.
- Boo could've been in the car by now.
- Fine.
- Don't abandon us here.
- I'll weigh my decision carefully.
Oh, there she is.
Godot: Bettina! - Who's Bettina? - That's Boo.
You're kidding.
I thought her name was Boo.
- Boo is short for Bettina.
- Oh.
How is Boo short for Bettina? When did those two become friends? Look how close to him she is-- inches.
- So lucky.
- Sasha: Yes.
Standing inches from a bartender is incredibly lucky.
There's no other situation in the entire world where you could possibly do that.
Except for every happy hour in the world.
She just peaked.
- This is like a drive-in movie.
- A really bad one.
Yeah, a really good bad drive-in movie.
Give it a listen, let me know what you think.
But I'm betting a blown mind is coming your way.
- Sounds dangerous.
- People say he's the father of surf music.
Dude practically invented the reverb sound - on the strings of his Stratocaster.
- Awesome.
- I'll give it listen the minute I get home.
- I want a full report tomorrow.
Aye aye, Captain.
Hey! Ready? So what was that all about? - What? - You and Godot? - Looked cozy.
- Like all that was missing was a slow jam.
Please.
He's a friend.
- A friendly friend? - We were just talking.
Yeah? What happened after you used up the 10 words in his vocabulary? We were talking about music.
He gave me this CD - to listen to.
See? - Cool.
A CD? That's current.
Hey How come you don't smell? Ever since he gave me his shirt, it's like I totally don't smell any more.
It's like I have this smell force field.
- He gave you his shirt? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- What? - Nothing.
Nice tartar sauce on your pants.
- ( Soft rock music playing ) - ( Vocalizing ) Welcome welcome, everyone.
And now to kick off the flower show, the advanced class of the Paradise Dance Academy will perform their "Tribute to Spring.
" an original ballet that tells the story of nature's struggle against the forces of industrialism.
It's entitled "Paper or Plastic.
" I hope you enjoy it.
- So you got them all back.
- All but two.
I had to pay those two concession chicks five bucks to stand there.
- "Paper or Plastic"? - Mm-hmm.
( Music playing ) Fanny: See, it starts with nature, free and happy.
Then the forces of evil enter.
Michelle: The supermarket cashier? That's right.
A force ignorant of the evil she's doing, blinded by money and corruption.
A supermarket cashier blinded by money? What supermarket do you shop in? Then comes the moment the fatal question is asked Paper or plastic? ( Laughing ) This is nuts.
A vicious battle ensues.
The hero enters.
- The canvas tote! - The canvas tote! I always forget that canvas tote.
Its motives are pure, but it's just one force against an army of nonrenewable resources.
The battle ends.
The die is cast.
The cashier looks around at the utter destruction she's wrought And goes on break.
I'm sorry, so nature dies? Yep.
So it's a happy ending? You're diabolical.
- It is one of my best.
- That was awesome! It was.
And it was fun-- putting it together, working with the kids.
You know, just because you teach, doesn't mean it's over.
Fanny, that was amazing.
Your best yet.
- Thank you, Sal.
- I know.
When the ecosystem broke down.
- so did I.
- I'm glad.
Screw Martha Graham! Screw her.
Honey, go get a pretzel.
Oh, and I want to thank you ladies for the shout out.
Really big of you.
So that makes us square until next paying season, right, Sal? Absolutely.
- You're an ice skater, right? - Don't look at my tush.
You've got a little bit of an Oksana Baiul going on.
It's creepy, Sal.
It's creepy.
Does he realize that he still hasn't gotten paid? Nope.
And he never will.