Burnistoun (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Have a seat.
And what can we do for you today? Er, just over the last couple of weeks, I've been getting quite a lot of intense shoulder pain.
I mean, I've no' injured it or anything.
It just started itself.
OK.
Well let's fire up the Google and we'll take a look.
Shoulderpain enter.
Well, there's far too many results here to tell if it could be anything really bad.
We'll have to narrow it down a little bit.
Do you want me to add the old, erm? - C-word? - Yep.
- Aye.
- OK.
Shoulderpain agony cancerdeath.
I'd like you to sit down.
I am.
I'm afraid I have somebad news.
Your sore shoulder returns over half a million results of terminal illness on Google.
How long have I got left? It's difficult to say.
What I would say is this go home, gather your loved ones around you on Facebook, make sure you have all your affairs in order, you know, such as your broadband bills.
Hiya, my name's Kelly McGlade.
I'm a bit pissed off actually, cos I've got to go doon to that Burnistoun Herald to do an interview all aboot me, and they want me to bring my two band mates as well.
Pair of wee toilet brushes wi' tits.
Ugh Look at yous! This is for a newspaper.
This is big time.
Look at the way yous have turned up.
Carly, you look a total shambles.
Claes everywhere.
You look like the flair in TK Maxx.
- Emma, what colour are thae tights? - Caramel.
They look like American Tan.
I mean, look at me.
I'm magnificent.
Yous are just crampin' my style again.
Sorry, Kelly.
Right.
Let's get started.
So, how did yous all meet? Shh! We all met at Burnistoun Academy.
Carly and Emma were dead unpopular, a couple o' wee nothings.
I felt sorry for them so I paid Smelly Davey McGroggan and big Joe Hood a packet o' Space Raiders each to get aff wi' them.
To this day, every time I make love, I can smell pickled onion.
Er, before you turn on the waterworks, it was beef Space Raiders I bought them.
You smell pickled onion, cos you're always "making love" roon' the back o' the chippy.
Andwhy did yous all decide to form a band? Cos that's oor way o' gettin' oot o' Burnistoun.
I mean, this place is a shithole.
And you can quote me on that and underline it and put it in Italians as well, if you want to.
- Italics.
- Excuse me? You said Italians.
Put it in Italians.
You meant italics.
I did not say Italians.
You think I'm stupit? No.
No, it's fine.
You did say it, but Just a wee slip o' the tongue.
Slip o' the tongue?! I'll take you to the Burnistoun Butcher and slip your tongue into a meat slicer so you can take it hame for your wife and she can put it in her pieces.
Bet she gets mair pleasure oot your tongue that way than any way you've intended ower the years.
Kelly! Did I say Italians? Naw.
Is that it started? Newspapers misquoting me, trying tae tear me doon? Tear ye doon? Nobody even knows who ye are.
Excuse me? Naebody knows who Kelly McGlade is? See when I'm hangin' aboot on the East Coast o' LA wi' Britney and Sierra, gettin' oot o' motors with nae knickers on, the closest the Burnistoun Herald will get to me is if I fly a black pudding supper ower in my private jet for me and Lady Gaga and your paper's wrapped roon' it.
You should just be happy I'm even blessing you with my presence here the day, before I blow up big time.
Aye.
Well, it's cos o' all thae suppers you eat you're blown up this much already.
Excuse me? That's it.
Leather him! What? You heard.
Are we a band or no'? Leather him.
Ahaya! Oh, here, I don't want to misquote you.
Was that "Ah-aya" or "Ayah ah ahya"? All right, mate? This'll only take a minute of your time, mate, nae bother.
Is this your hoose? Aye.
I know how it is, mate, havin' a hoose and that.
Usual story.
This'll only take a few minutes of your time, mate.
- Do you live yersel? - No.
- Married? - Aye.
Tell me about it, mate - married and that.
Gettin' married to a woman - same old, same old.
This'll only take five minutes of your time, pal.
Any children? Aye, two.
Two weans, mate? Oh.
Bet you're used to that by noo, mate, eh? Havin' two weans and that.
I'm much like that mysel, mate, whatever it is, usual story.
Worth it, but, in't it, mate? Worth it.
This'll only take ten minutes of your time, pal.
What is this? Oh, we're just in the area, mate.
Just going roon' daein' it the day, thought we'd jump in, get people signed up.
Saves time at the other end, you know, mate? Any pets? No.
Nae pets, mate? Me neither, mate, nae danger.
I don't mean to be cheeky or anything, but what is this for exactly? Oh, sorry, mate, that's my fault.
Should have shown you my ID.
There we go, mate.
There you go, there's my ID there.
There's the proof it's all above board and that, right.
This'll only take an hour of your time, pal.
Have you bought a dishwasher or got any new windaes or had your roof fixed or had an illness or been oot the country or got a divorce or been to the cinema or had a phone fitted or been online or signed up to a satellite TV service recently, mate? That's all the one question there, by the way.
Erm Just an aye or no, mate.
- Well, I did - It's just an aye-or-no wan, mate.
- Just a tick in wan box or the other, no? - No, then.
But you've got a satellite dish outside.
Well, tick yes, then.
Nae bother, mate.
What did you go and see at the pictures? I havenae been to the pictures.
Mate, you told me to tick yes! I'm going to have to go back to the start, dae all that again.
Right, I'm sorry, mate, right.
It's my fault, right.
Don't even mention it.
We've all been there, ain't we, mate? Usual story.
This'll only take two hours of your time, pal.
This your hoose? Right, mate.
This'll only take 7,000 years o' your time.
- Stilt Man?! - Yeah.
Stilt Man's an obscure villain?! Yes.
Who's ever heard of Stilt Man? Yeah, he was only one of Daredevil's first enemies.
And he appeared in Frank Miller's first Daredevil run, which is like, one of the most famous comic runs of all time.
Miller's Daredevil was a long time ago.
He is obscure.
He might not be famous, but he's far from obscure.
Oh! Can yous no' read or somethin'? "Nae heated debates "on the levels of obscurity of supervillains "in the Marvel Universe allowed.
" Yous are barred! Hello, everybody.
How was your week? Oh, amazin'! Well, we have a new member of Sarcasmaholics Anonymous this week.
Perhaps you'd like to introduce yourself.
Yep.
Hi, everybody.
My name's Scott and and I'm a sarcasmaholic.
Naw! Naw, I am.
I am.
I've finally admitted it to myself - I've got a sarcasm problem.
Well, Scott, I'm sure we're all really, really looking forward to hearing your story.
Well, thanks for Sorry, was that sarcasm? Sarcasm? No! Are you a sarcasmaholic yourself? Naw, naw, naw, I just help mediate the group.
- OK.
- I just gie up every Tuesday night of my life to help these screw-ups for the good of my health.
Aye, all right, there's nae need to be sarcastic.
- I mean, that was sarcasm, wasn't it? - Really? - Aye, definitely.
- Sarcasm? At a Sarcasmaholics meetin'? Oh, he was definitely being sarcastic.
Aw, right, right, I see.
I see.
I didnae realise the sarcasm was going to be soso full-on, is all.
So I'll just take a step back and I'll start again.
Aw, I widnae bother.
You've got off tae a really good start with the group.
Naw, I'll start again.
My name's Scott and I'm a sarcasmaholic.
Naw! We thought you were just here for the company.
He's a sarcasmaholic, Stewart! Really? What is he doing here? Right, I'm just havin' a wee bit o' trouble tellin' when people are being sarcastic and when they're no'.
- Naw! - Really? Widnae have noticed.
Naw, I am.
It's quite hard Were yous being sarcastic there? Naw! No, seriously, were yous? - Sarcastic? Us? - Naw! Right, fine.
I tried to help myself, gave Sarcasmaholics a chance, but all I got was a bunch of sarky comments wi' a bunch of sarcastic people, soI'm off.
Scott.
Scott, please, come back.
You have to realise that we're a bunch of people with severe problems.
We cannae help ourselves.
Just like you cannae help yourself.
That's why we need to help each other.
I mean, you seem like a decent guy, and I'm sure every person here really, really wants you to join our group.
Was that sarcasm? Naw! No way is that a penalty, you know what I mean? No way is that a penalty! That's a joke.
That's a total joke! - I cannae believe this, man.
- This better no' go in.
Dirty, cheatin' Unbelievable! Can I use your toilet, mate? Of course, Peter, man, of course.
What? I'm getting a man's name Frunk? Frink, perhaps? It's Frunk.
Has anyone lost someone called Frunk? It's Frink.
Is he coming through to you? No.
He is speaking to me, and it's Frunk Frank, sorry.
Frank.
His surname is coming through now FrankSmath? Does anyone have a Frank Smath who has passed over? I'm getting Frank Smoth.
It's Smath.
Can anyone take a Frank Smath? Frank Smith, sorry.
Frank Smith.
He's gone.
He's gone.
A frustrated spirit.
I'm getting a woman recently passed.
Name beginning with an R Rebicco? Has anyone lost a Rebicco? Can someone open their heart to a Rebicco? I'm getting a Rebocci coming through.
- It's Rebicco.
- Rebocci.
Rebicco, OK? Rebicco! Rebecca.
Sorry.
Rebecca.
And she's gone.
Gone angrily into the mist.
Can anyone take any of these names? Olexender? Jecissa? Amm-Narie? Stenaphie? Archiblod? - Sinom? - Jothanan? Such furious aggressive souls.
Such vile, terrible language.
- Check these two wee birds.
- They're too young for us.
They're about 18.
That's all right.
- That's the game.
- What? - We're in our 30s.
- And what? We're the age lassies o' 18 go for.
We've got money, no' bad looks, status Aye, aye.
But we've got nothin' in common wi' 18-year-olds.
What would we talk aboot? What?! Plenty! We're not that old.
'Sake.
C'mon! All right? Hiya.
Whit yous up tae? We're just havin' a drink and then we're going tae a gig.
Yous intae yer music? Aye, aye, so are we, man.
Bet yous are like us, eh? No' intae all that mainstream pish? Kinda cuttin' edge.
Let me guess - Jamiroquai? Who? Jamiroquai.
Jay Kay.
Oh, God - him? Naw.
What?! Naw.
They're ancient.
Let me have a wee guess, then.
What style of music ye intae? R'n'B, dance an' that.
Simply Red.
Simply Red?! What?! My da might be goin' to see them, maybe.
No' us.
So who are yous intae, then? We're goin' to see Calvin Harris.
- Kelvin Harris? - Calvin.
- Calvin Harrison? - Calvin Harris.
Oh, the fellathe young fella.
Aye.
I think I mind him, aye.
Cannae mind any of his numbers, right enough.
Calvin Harris.
He's had loads of songs oot.
He done that one wi' Dizzee Rascal.
Dizzee Rascal?! I think you mean Dizzy Gillespie, hen! Look, what is it yous are wantin' anyway? We were wondering if you maybe fancied a wee doner up oors after on? Aye, we could maybe get a wee fish supper and have a wee jig tae the Al Jolson on the wireless? I don't think so.
What was that, hen? I said, I don't think so! Right.
OK, fair do's, young yin.
Right.
Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun Policemen Who Sit On Their Chairs Back To Front.
All right, McGoon.
Ye want to get serious? Let's get serious! Sitting on their chairs back to front.
.
Do you see that chair? What way's it turned? It's, erback tae it's back tae front.
You start talkin', or I start sittin' doon.
Naw! So you know.
.
You think I'm going to say anything to two muppets that sit on their chairs the right way round? It was Tam Murphy! I'll testify, I'll testify! The shit just got real.
I love you, Jack, but I know this is just fun to you.
This won't ever matter to you.
This is all that matters tae me.
Oh! Jack! Policemen Who Sit On Their Chairs Back To Front.
You see thon Gary Crawford got done in? I saw that, aye.
That's a gangster's life for ye.
True, true, aye.
Me and Gary, we used to be auld drinkin' buddies back in the day.
- Aye? - Oh, aye.
Regularly drank together.
Regularly.
You know who's meant to have done him, don't ye? Tam Sharpe.
Aye.
Ah, me and Tam were good drinkin' buddies when we were about 18.
- Aye? - Oh, aye.
That was before he was a gangster, though, wasn't it? No.
First time he stabbed a guy was when he was 18.
I used to drink wi' that first guy he stabbed, actually.
He was a gangster an' all.
I was there when he stabbed him.
I was having a drink wi' an old drinkin' buddy of mine.
Was he a gangster? Oh, aye.
All that crowd I was drinkin' wi' then were all gangsters.
See the guy, er, that owned the pub you and all the gangsters were sittin' in when Tam Sharpe that you used to drink wi' stabbed the gangster I used to drink wi'? Aye.
That was Johnny Thomas, right? Let me tell ye, he was a bigger gangster than all the rest of them put together.
Probably was, aye.
An' I used to drink wi' him.
Good drinkin' buddies, we were.
I was, erI was drinking wi' him when he got stabbed tae death.
He didnae get stabbed, mate.
He got shot.
Aye.
Stabbed wi' bullets.
I mean, I was there.
I was drinkin' wi' the guy that shot him, when he shot him.
He actually asked me to haud his pint for a second and then he shot him.
Well, see the guy he shot him for? His boss? Cleland, aye, aye.
I used to drink wi' him.
I used to drink wi' him and about 80 other big gangsters, who'd all be tellin' me aboot their crimes, who they'd shot and everything.
I was really, really close tae all these gangsters and I knew everything aboot their gangster lives.
Well, see all the gangsters you know, right? All the gangsters you can think o' in your heid? Right, imagine them the noo.
- Right? - Right.
I used to drink wi' all of them, right, and aboot 100 other guys that were even bigger gangsters than all of them.
Right, I was there for all the shootings, I was haudin' all their pints, I was hearin' all their secrets and just generally being a really good close pal to all these amazin', unforgettable gangsters.
Right, listen you, ya pair o' fannies.
Yous don't ken anybody, right? Cos see if yous did, yous widnae be moothin' aff aboot what they've done.
Right? Bummin' yersels up just by kiddin' on that you're pals with gangsters? Ya pair of pathetic bastards.
- Sor - Hey, shut yer mooths.
Noo! Sorsorry, mate.
We're really, really sorry, man.
He's, erhe's actually an old drinkin' buddy of mine.
Aye? I was having a drink wi' him when he got shot tae death.
Listen, I am bursting.
I'll be back in a minute.
Do not go anywhere.
Excuse me, pal, where are the toilets in here? The toilets are downstairs, sir.
Cheers, man.
Looking for the toilets? Flair up above.
Right, gaffer, as you can see, the digital edition of the Burnistoun Herald is ready.
I love it! This is today's paper in digital form.
So what is that? - What is what? - This.
That's the newspaper.
Right, I heard that.
You said that.
But what is that? It's the newspaper.
What do you mean? Right, here's the newspaper, right? What I'm askin' ye, son, is what is that in there? It's it's the newspaper, gaffer.
Son, this is the newspaper! Aye, but that's the newspaper in digital form.
Oh, right, that's like a picture o' the newspaper, is that what ye mean? On a digital camera? Naw Kinda.
It's like a lot of pictures of all the different pages of the newspaper, gaffer.
So yous took photies o' all the newspaper's pages? Kinda.
Aye.
I suppose.
You what?! What did you dae that for, when you could have just bought a newspaper? Well, we havenae actually taken photies of it, chief - it's kinda Chief See when we print the newspaper initially? We print them off using those photos on the screen.
Those photos come first.
Wait a minute.
So this newspaper is just a print-oot of that newspaper in there? Aye, boss.
Sorta.
Right.
Right, right, I've got ye, got ye now, got ye now, got ye now.
So who made that newspaper? - We did! - We did, chief.
We did, gaffer.
So before we can print aff using thae photies in there, we need to take photies o' a newspaper that we've already made and use that to print off aff o'? Kinda.
Aye.
But surely that's a waste of time? We've already made the newspaper.
Why do we need to take photies o' it and put them on there an' print aff using thae photies? Why can we no' just use that first newspaper? That's no' reallythe point.
Andhow did we even make that first newspaper, I mean the ones we take photies o' in the first place? How did we dae that? It's made inside the computer, gaffer.
Right Aye, right, of course, aye.
By who? By us.
And how do we get it ontae the computer initially? Well, we type in the stories, chief.
The photies o' things! How do we get the photies o' things in there? We take the photies.
Right, stop, stop.
Back to the start.
Let me see if I've got this right here.
We take photies o' things and we write stories.
Noo that I understand, right, cos I'm a newspaper man.
And we put thae photies and stories ontae the computer, then we print them aff and we assemble a newspaper oot o' them.
Then we take photies of that newspaper and put them on there, then we print thae photies aff and we assemble another newspaper oot o' thae photies and then we take photies of that newspaper and put them in there and we print that newspaper oot, and that's this wan.
And then we take photies of this newspaper and put them in there, and that, that, that is the digital edition o' the Burnistoun Herald Noo, have I got that straight? - Yes, chief.
- Yes, chief.
I love it! You leave it wi' me, and I'll get it on the streets oot to thae punters.
Burnistoun Herald! So how come you're still in here, then? I thought you'd be on Top Of The Pops by now.
Aye, well, Top Of The Pops isnae on any mair, Granda.
You know, I'm tryin' tae bring oot an album, no' build a time machine.
All right, doll? Sort us a G & T, eh? Excuse me? Made a mistake there, mate.
What? A G & T, I said.
Naw, what was that you called me? - Och, Icannae mind.
- Doll.
Ye called her doll.
You called me doll? - Did I? - Ye did.
My sympathies, mate.
How am I a doll? I meant in a good way.
- Are dolls good-lookin', aye? - Aye.
Baby dolls? Wee baby dolls - you find them attractive? - Naw.
Naw.
No' baby dolls.
Naw, like alike a Barbie doll.
- Beautiful.
- Barbie doll? Excuse me? Oh, my God, do you shag Barbie dolls? - No.
- Sawney, I'm no' even sure.
How wee would yer willy need tae be tae shag a Barbie doll? Aboot that.
Aboot that.
Aboot the size o' a grain of rice.
No' even long-grain rice - paella rice.
I don't dae anything wi' Barbie dolls.
So you're no' attracted tae dolls? So you're no goin' hame an' burnin' rubber every night? No, I'm no' attracted tae dolls! Aw, God help ye, mate.
God help ye! - So, how am I a doll, then? - Whit?! If you're no' attracted tae dolls, right, how am I a doll, then? - No' a plastic doll.
A real doll.
- A real doll? Excuse me? Dae ye think dolls come tae life or somethin'? Do you think it's like Bagpuss? Whit? I don't even know what Baggy Puss is.
- I just want my drink - What did you just say? He said Baggy Puss.
Baggy Puss? I don't know what Baggy Puss is.
Right? I've never seen it.
Can I just get my drink? Did he just say that again? Twice he said it - Baggy Puss.
Whit ye saying Baggy Puss for? I didn't What's it called, then? - Bagpuss! - Bagpuss, then! Excuse me, that's no' what you said! What he said wasBaggy Puss.
Why would you say that? Unless when you walked in here, you looked at me and you thought, "She looks a bit baggy in the puss region.
" You know what I mean, Sawney? That's an angle you could take on it, aye.
Obviously, I wasnae tryin' to say that you had a slack You're barred! Well, thank Christ, ya mad banshee! Whit? Whit?! Whit did ye call me?