Call Your Mother (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
My last box.
I guess I'm a real Los Angelener now.
Los Angelite?
Wait, what are we called?
Not that.
What do you call a woman
whose wardrobe is 90% fleece?
I'm from Iowa.
My clothes don't have to look good.
They just have to help me
survive the winter.
Ooh, hey, I found pistachios.
Do nuts expire?
- Eh, I'll roll the dice.
- [Door opens]
- Hey. Hey, that's a nice vest.
- Hey.
Is that new or did you just
reverse yesterday's?
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't encourage the vest.
We're trying to get her to branch out,
look a little less "Fargo,"
a little more
not embarrassed to be seen with her.
No, I like a woman in a vest.
It says, "I'm dependable in a storm,"
you know, but also, "I feel
pretty good about my arms."
I'll wear it to our "Grey's Anatomy"
marathon tonight.
But I'm gonna have to turn
the thermostat down
because I'm already sweating
under my bra.
Oh, I know what you mean.
I sweat in my lower back
when I tuck in my flannel.
- Oh.
- Is this elder-flirting?
I don't know, but it's very upsetting.
Anyway, I came by to let you know
- I actually have to cancel tonight.
- Oh, okay.
I completely forgot
I've got a few mates in town.
We already had plans. I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, it's fine. "Grey's" can wait.
And we can raincheck for tomorrow, yeah?
- You free?
- Oh, you know me.
- [Door opens]
- I'm always free.
That's what I love about you.
- [Chuckles]
- [Door closes]
"You know me, I'm always free"?
That's like something you would
write on a bathroom stall.
Yeah, what the bucket?
You guys have something planned,
and he just cancels day-of?
I don't like that.
It's no big deal.
His divorce isn't final,
so we're just friends now.
We hang out.
Unless something comes up.
For him.
She doesn't even hear it.
This "you and Danny" thing
is becoming a "you waiting
around for him" thing.
You're like the booty call
without the booty.
Excuse me.
I don't wait around for anyone.
I think I have a little more
pride than that.
Ooh! [Gasps]
Hey!
My hot boobs heated up my pistachios.
It's like being in first class
on an airplane.
Mmm! Want some?
Absolutely not.
♪
♪
♪
Ooh, I haven't bought new
clothes in so long,
I don't even know what size I am.
Jackie, check the tag.
Absolutely not.
You know, guys, ever since
I decided to live by
that whole Steve Jobs "one
outfit for success" mentality,
I don't dread shopping anymore.
Just give me 90 pairs of beige pants
and call me a billionaire.
I think it's great
you're doing this, Jean.
I'm obsessed with makeovers.
Being a lifelong "after," I'm
always fascinated by "befores."
I'll have you know,
I'm a Waterloo "after."
Mother Raines, I'm so excited.
How do you feel about
peek-a-boo shoulder tops?
Unh! Don't answer that. You love them.
Okay, let's shop.
Mm.
Hey, Lane.
Oh, hey, Victor.
Is the back of my shirt wrinkled?
I swear I iron it before work,
but by the time I get here,
the wrinkles are back somehow.
Uh, well, the secret is a steamer.
I have a great one.
It's actually my ex's,
but, hey, if you're gonna
break up with me in an e-mail
w-with absolutely no closure,
then I get to keep the steamer.
[Laughs, snorts]
Uh but you can borrow it anytime.
I could bring it to work, or I
could come to your apartment
and steam all your stuff.
Or you could come to mine and
steam it all yourself there?
I'll talk to you later.
Not if I talk to you first!
[Chuckles] Ugh.
Ohh.
Hey, you okay, Cookie?
Lane had his heart broken
in college and never recovered.
Ever since then, whenever
he has a crush on someone,
he completely falls apart.
I didn't think it was so bad.
Mom, don't lie to him.
That was terrible.
I mean, this is why you're both alone.
As the only person with
a boyfriend, you know
Playing pretty fast and loose
with the word "boy"
when your boyfriend went to
summer camp with Bernie Sanders.
Bernie was a counselor.
Hank came to the mall with us once,
and he literally couldn't stop
telling us,
"You know, this place
used to all be orange groves."
Okay, fine, my boyfriend is old.
Just listen to me.
Both of you are giving away your power.
That's how you end up getting hurt.
I made the same mistake with Andy.
I mean, for three years,
I let my life become about him,
and then he left and I had nothing.
So when I met Hank, I decided
to invest nothing and keep myself safe.
And she got Hank a Life Alert
to keep him safe.
I told him it was an iPod. [Chuckles]
And now I'm gonna help you,
because out of the three of us,
I'm the guru.
Look, we're in a Three Bears situation.
You're doing too much,
you're not doing enough,
and I'm doing it just right.
Mom, you need to get out there
and flirt with someone who's not Danny.
Flirt? I'm not sure I remember how.
Watch.
Hey. How's it going?
Okay, we're done.
Thank you for your service.
[Chuckles]
See? All there is to it.
Man, I do not miss being single.
Dating is such a nightmare.
Ugh, I know, it's exhausting.
A new person every week,
date after date.
Calling that number over and over again
and wondering why it's a grocery store.
And you think you found someone special,
then she starts dating your roommate.
Oh! You dated shes?
Yeah, there were hes, shes,
couples, throuples, what-have-yous.
What-have-yous?
I told you my Berlin story.
You know, just like when
you told me about that time
you got a hickey in a corn maze.
Oh, yep. Yeah.
That was a three-hickey year for me.
See, we both had our fun,
and now we have each other.
[Chuckles]
S-Still having
Still having fun, though, right?
♪
- Oh!
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Go ahead.
- N-No, you go ahead.
It's fine.
Oh. [Sighs]
Hey. How's it going?
What?
Hey.
- Hi.
- [Chuckles]
So, what are you gonna do
with all those lemons?
[Chuckles]
Uh, probably just use them for lemonade.
Ooh, so you're gonna squeeze 'em.
Lucky lemons. [Chuckles]
Sweetheart, do you have the lemons?
What? Oh!
This is your sweetheart? I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't know, or I wouldn't
have been flirting with him.
That was flirting?
I don't think it was.
[Sighs] Sorry.
I was just trying to open myself up.
My landlord and I almost kissed,
and now he won't watch TV with me.
Why do you have to talk to everybody?
I'm sorry.
[Sighs]
- Hey, you look like you could use a drink.
- [Sighs]
I've got pressed celery juice
and some sort of bone broth.
They say it's good for your
immune system, but if you sweat,
- it smells like you're making soup.
- Mm.
I-I'm Steve.
I thought that guy was flirting with me.
I haven't dated in so long,
I can't tell the difference
between flirting and grocery shopping.
Although, I thought
the "squeeze 'em" line was good.
Oh, it wasn't.
No, but, for the record,
if a man offers you bone broth,
he's definitely flirting with you.
I mean, he might be trying
to sell you bone broth.
But in this case
I am flirting.
- You are?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, thank you so much.
♪
Oh, to be that mannequin.
Come on, Lane.
I need you to focus, okay?
- [Sighs]
- Play it cool.
Don't give anything away, okay?
The more Victor knows about you,
the more he can hurt you.
Now go.
May the flirt be with you.
Hey. Could you help me out?
Maybe.
Just need that tank top over there.
Cool, cool.
No, seriously, hand that to me.
The toy store across the way
calls the manager
if we leave these mannequins
naked too long.
Sure.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
[Inhales deeply]
Well, see ya around.
I'm about to go on lunch.
Oh, me too. Want to grab a kebab?
Um
Pause, please. BRB.
Um, he just asked me to lunch.
I should shut him down, right?
No, say yes, but wait 10 minutes.
Okay.
Okay, this is weird.
Just go back to him.
Okay, but slowly,
slowly, slowly, slowly.
Uh, regular, regular. Just go, go, go.
♪
So, he was like,
"Do you, like, like the kebab?"
And I was like, "I guess. I don't know."
Like, "I'm so aloof."
And then there was
like three minutes of silence,
and then he finally goes,
"So, do you want to go out
tomorrow after work?"
- Just like you said!
- Ahh!
- Of course. That's why I'm the guru.
- [Door opens]
So, I'm really loving
some of this new stuff.
My arms are a little constricted
in this jacket.
I'm really missing that vest life.
Please don't say "vest life"
on your date.
Hey. Oh, wow. You look nice.
Pretty dressed up for a Season 2
"Grey's" marathon.
Where do you keep your nuts
in that outfit?
Oh, shoot. I forgot to call you.
I'm sorry. I have to cancel for tonight.
- Oh.
- She has a date.
So do I, just in case
I was your backup plan.
[Chuckles] Congratulations.
Um, you have a date, too, Jean?
That's
That's a bit of a shocker.
You don't really date.
- Hmm.
- Not sure it's a "shocker."
- I've dated.
- Mm.
- 2011, 2012.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, fine, 2011, 2012 was the same guy,
overnight on New Year's Eve.
And today.
I have a date with a guy
I met at the Farmers Market.
What, and you're going out with him?
What do What do you know
about this guy?
Well, his name is Steve,
and he wanted to go out with me.
- What else do I need?
- Uh, maybe an address,
a criminal history, DNA sample.
I mean, you live in a big,
dangerous city now, Jean.
You can't just go out on a date
with a stranger.
[Scoffs] Isn't that what a date is?
Besides, you were a stranger,
and I moved into your guesthouse.
Yes, but I came with reviews,
which were all 5-star.
Except for one Mormon family
who found the art too provocative.
- Why is this your business?
- It's not, it's not.
I was just looking forward
to a bit of "Grey's" action,
and, uh, it's a little
last-minute to cancel.
- That's all.
- You canceled on me yesterday.
Ah, yes, I did, and now
you're getting me back.
Oh, I'm not getting you back.
I'm just living my life.
Okay, then, well, enjoy your date.
- Oh.
- All right.
- Hey! What's up, man?
- Oh, nothing.
Your mother's just
picking up strange men
at the Farmers Market,
but none of my business!
[Door closes]
What? W-What's happening?
I have a date, because I'm not gonna be
Danny's booty call without the booty.
Ugh! No! Why?
Because, Freddie,
she's not just your mother.
- She's a woman with needs.
- Mm-hmm.
Ugh! No! Why?
Okay. I need some advice.
Which one of these says,
"I am sexually adventurous"?
Ugh! No! Why?
Honey, what are you doing
with all those things?
Well, Celia's had this
interesting, amazing life,
and I'm just 90 pairs of beige pants.
[Sighs] She's had all these, like,
interesting, incredible partners.
Uh, she didn't
come right out and say it,
but I think she was
Justin Bieber's muse.
The edgiest thing I've got
is a callus on my thumb
from playing too much "Animal Crossing."
Do you see this, you guys?
This is what I've been talking about.
He is so invested in his relationship,
he's willing to give up
his entire identity
for another person.
Look at this. Learn from this.
Do not be this.
Honey, just be yourself.
And if Celia doesn't want you for you,
then she's not the right person for you.
It's like Jackie says.
Hold onto your power.
Okay, you're taking advice from Jackie?
She's our guru.
Yeah, now we both have dates.
And I have nowhere to put my nuts.
I'm having a very similar issue
with this onesie.
[Grunts]
Excuse me. Uh, can I help you?
Oh, yeah. You got a step stool?
Let me rephrase the question.
What the hell are you doing?
That's my tree.
[Chuckles] I don't think
anyone can own nature.
[Chuckles] As someone who owns
this yard, I think I can.
Yeah, I planted that tree
seven years ago,
and this is the first season
it's bearing fruit, okay?
It's been through a drought.
It's been through fungus.
It's been through my divorce.
Those are my lemons.
All right, simmer down, Captain Serious.
There's plenty of lemons for everyone.
Okay, but they're not for everyone,
are they, Dr. Steals-my-lemons?
- They're mine.
- [Sighs]
See, it's moments like this
that make me really miss
living in Canada.
[Sighs]
Oh, hey, Sunshine. I brought you a gift.
I couldn't get flowers,
so I brought you these.
Aww, lemons!
- Like when we met.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's why I got them. Yeah.
Are you parked out front?
Oh, am I driving?
Oh, all right, then you better
give me a moment
to put a towel down on the front seat.
You probably don't want
to hear this from me,
but I don't think you should
go out with that guy.
- No, you have to stop.
- No, no, no.
He just stole my lemons
that one you're holding
right in your hand.
- Do you want it back?
- No, I have more than I can use.
- But what are you doing?
- What are you doing?
I'm living my life.
If you thought I was just gonna
sit around and wait for you,
- you thought wrong.
- Oh.
Besides, I don't owe you an explanation.
The only thing I owe you is rent.
Which I will get to you, by the way.
I ran out of checks.
Okay, fine. Doesn't matter.
Fine, whatever.
I'm just trying to save you
from having a bad night.
Oh.
Okay, we are all set.
Back seat is a disaster, though,
so if this goes great,
we're gonna have to make out on my hood.
[Chuckles] Don't wait up.
♪
All right, I got us a little bit
of everything.
And for some reason, a lot of hummus.
Uh, when you said we were gonna
grab something to eat,
I didn't think we were coming back here.
I-I was kind of thinking restaurant
menus
- chairs.
- Oh.
Sorry, Jean. I don't go to restaurants.
I should have said something sooner,
but I'm a freegan.
A freegan what?
No, a-a freegan. It's a way of life.
I haven't dated in a long time.
I-Is that a religion or a type of sex?
Because if it's a religion,
then I'm out.
Uh, n You see,
I-I don't pay for things.
I think the gross consumerism
in this country
has gotten out of hand,
so I just try to make do
with what people are giving away
or throwing out.
So, you never pay for food?
Oh, not just food.
I mean, I get all my furniture
from the the curbside,
I get my towels from the gym,
and as for my clothes,
I pretty much just wait
for people my size
to, you know, die.
Oh.
Wow. That's resourceful.
I see treasure
in what others cast aside.
Kind of like how I met you.
Remember, you thought that guy
was flirting with you?
- I remember.
- And he wasn't.
- I remember.
- And he had a wife.
- I remember.
- Yeah.
Well, that seemed like a perfect
moment for me to swoop in
and pick up what he left behind.
Same way I got my Ping-Pong table.
Although you're a lot prettier
than my Ping-Pong table.
And you have a lot less
bird crap on you.
Okay. You know what?
This has been great. [Chuckles]
And I learned a new word.
Thanks for asking me out,
but this is the end
of your free sample of me.
You take care.
I figured you'd probably leave.
You're clearly out of my league.
I was surprised you said yes
in the first place.
I don't date much.
You know, it was just really
nice to be out with someone
instead of sitting at home
in some dead guy's pants,
watching TV through
my neighbor's window.
I'm just really tired of waiting
for something to happen.
It's nice to be out.
I was tired of waiting around, too.
[Sighs]
I did great.
I got half an ear of corn,
flavored pretzels,
all of the kombuchas,
and I got one hand exfoliated
by the lotion lady
when I told her it was my birthday.
[Whispers] It's not my birthday.
You are a natural at this.
- Guess which hand they did.
- Okay. I love this game.
All right.
Oh, I I think it's the left one.
I mean, the other one
is really nice, too,
but, uh, this one's a little softer.
[Chuckles]
Hey, have you ever been
to the Hollywood Bowl?
No, but I've always wanted to.
Oh, well, I don't have tickets
or anything,
but if you hike like about
500 feet up above the Bowl,
you can almost see the show
and you can almost hear the music.
Is that why you have binoculars
in your car?
Yeah.
Well, that saves us a conversation.
[Both chuckle]
♪
[Door opens]
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Whatcha doing?
I'm not really doing anything.
Is that a bandage?
Oh. [Chuckles]
Yep. Yeah. I got inked.
I got it down at the tattoo shop.
I'm a tat guy now.
Got to keep it out of the water, though.
No bubble baths for this bad boy.
Ow!
You got a tattoo? Are you insane?
- Why?
- I don't know.
Just trying something new.
A.B.T always be trying.
S.N something new.
Okay, I know what this is about.
You've been acting weird
ever since we had that conversation
about our dating history.
What? What conversation?
Oh, it had something to do with, uh
Germany and and throuples?
Yeah, I knew that freaked you out. Why?
I just want you to know that I'm
willing to do whatever it takes
to keep you interested.
I'll get tats, piercings.
I'm willing to play the saxophone again.
I really don't want you to get
tired of me, Celia.
Why would I get tired of you?
Because you want
you want variety and exotic
locations and adventure.
I'm just a
just a straight, white man.
Yeah, I can tell by the way
you're telling me what I want.
Look, after quarantine started,
I couldn't travel,
there were no more parties,
I was still on probation,
my hairstylist moved back to Omaha
- Wait. What?
- Yeah, I know. I had to cut this myself.
Ugh. I just had to stop
and be for a minute.
And it gave me time to figure out
what I truly wanted and needed.
And then we met,
and I realized it was you.
You mean me, the Iowa boy
with the beige pants
and the boring work-from-home job?
I'm saying I love you, dummy.
I love you, too.
Okay, let's see that tattoo.
- Okay. Okay. But just so you know
- Mm-hmm.
- I got it for you.
- Great.
And it stands for "Celia for all time."
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Again
- Mm-hmm.
- "for all time."
- Great.
"Celia FAT"?
"For all time."
- Have it removed.
- I already made the appointment.
Oh, honey, you're still here.
I thought you had plans.
Oh, I'm just gonna see Hank tomorrow.
His nap ran into regular bedtime.
- How was your date?
- It was great.
We had a small-plates dinner,
I got half a beauty treatment,
and we played a game
of "Which hand is softer?"
Wow! That sounds w-weird.
So, um, are you gonna see him again?
No. [Chuckles] No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, he was very sweet,
but not for me.
- But don't tell Danny for at least a week.
- [Chuckles]
You were right.
I feel like I took my power back.
You know why?
It's because I'm a guru. [Chuckles]
I'm really proud of you, Mom.
I'm proud of me, too.
[Door opens]
- Hey, Mother Raines.
- Hey.
Hey, Mother Raines in the making.
Just grabbing some clothes
that I left here,
and I'll be heading out.
See you all later!
Wait. What's going on?
What happened on your date?
Still on it. Going to
Palm Springs for the weekend.
See you all later!
Uh, what happened to being
aloof, not giving it all away?
Well, what happened is Palm Springs.
I'll be giving away plenty.
See you all la
Okay, I mean, thank you so much.
You definitely helped
with my nerves in the beginning,
but turns out, that's not who I am.
I'm a sharer.
Victor says I'm as open
as a garden store on Saturday.
And he loves it.
So, seriously, see you all later!
Have fun.
- Bye.
- [Chuckles]
This is exactly what
I told him not to do.
Sometimes you have to
give something away
to get something back.
He's going to get hurt.
Opening yourself up is the only way
to have a real relationship, sweetie.
My relationship is real.
Oh, I know.
I-I was talking about Lane.
Your thing is good.
And now I'm gonna get out
of these clothes
and put on my victory fleece.
Thanks for your help.
♪
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- No, you go ahead.
- No, no, please.
Oh. Wow.
I could never have sex in a closet
after removing a brain tumor.
I probably could.
[Crunching]
Mm. [Chuckles]
♪
[Ringing]
- [Cellphone chimes]
- Hank. It's Jackie.
It's a video call.
Take your ear away from the phone.
All I see is ear.
Hank, look at the phone.
My face is on the phone.
Okay.
Oh. No, you got to turn it around.
The other way.
No, the other way.
I'm looking at the floor.
All I can see is the rug.
No, you don't No, no, no, no.
Keep holding the phone the way
that you're holding the phone.
It's the bottom bottom button.
Bottom button. Can you see me at all?
Can you It's Just flip it.
If you hit that,
you're gonna hang up on me.
- No. Okay. No
- [Cellphone chimes]
Okay. You hung up on me.