Cardinal Burns (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hey! Here comes trouble.
I thought it was you, I thought it was you.
How you doing? See you're still riding.
Yeah, for my sins.
You're looking good.
You're joking me.
How you been? How you been? Man, things are insane at the moment.
We just got back from New York.
New York? Whenever I get the red-eye to New York My friend just bought this fantastic loft apartment I always go to this little breakfast place The views are just astounding The best hollandaise sauce in Manhattan.
Great place to go with friends, including Mario Testino.
Hey! Talking of which, if you like eating crab like I do Hotel in the middle of Tokyo Seafood restaurant in Berlin.
It's absolutely stunning.
Takes its toll, but A five-month waiting list, but That's just the nature of the beast.
I've got some exciting projects on the go These are exciting times I'd love to collaborate.
Look, I've got to run.
I've got to shoot.
Really good to see you man.
Great catching up.
Let's do this again.
We always say it but we never do it.
Definitely.
Absolutely.
See you soon.
See you later, buddy.
See you soon, mate.
Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? All I ever wanted All I ever needed They can only do harm Guys, why not introduce yourselves? OK.
Well, I'm Phil and I'm the lead investigator.
As he constantly likes to remind us.
Oh, shut up, Jase.
Well, it's true.
And this is Jase.
He's the technical manager and my chauffeur, as I like to call him.
Shut up, you.
We're en route to Gosling House, which is a former psychiatric unit where there have been reports of, wait for it Paranormal activity! You coming to Kimonos tonight? Oh, I dunno.
Steve's going to be there.
Is he? Yeah.
Maybe I'll come for one.
We're here, look.
Here we are inside Gosling House.
Oh, too early for that.
Arnab.
Yeah? Phil wants to know if you work out.
He reckons you've got nice arms.
Shut up, Jase.
It's true, it's what he said.
No, I said they were veiny.
From carrying that little camera he's got all day long.
Oh, hello.
Jase? Yeah? We got a moving chair down here.
Is it moving of its own accord? Yeah, it's really going for it.
I wouldn't say this is Steve's just texted to say he's not coming.
No.
Oh, make your mind up, Steve.
Wah! Ooh! Lord.
Er, FYI, the walls are bleeding upstairs so I'm just going to start cleaning that up.
It's really kicking off, then.
I've just noticed it says "shoes" here.
What do you think it means? My prediction would be, this is somewhere where ghosts have Ragh! Jase! Stop! He's cracked me up now.
Biscuit? No, you all right.
Just got back from America, didn't I? I got dodgy guts.
What was you doing out there? I was looking for Bigfoot, wasn't I? I didn't know you was into all that.
It's my cousin Dean.
He's bang into it, but he couldn't go cos it was his kid's sports day so I thought, "I'll go and check it out.
" What sort of shoes do you have to wear, then? Sensible ones, like? Oh, yeah.
I made sure I got myself down to Millets.
A lot of blokes who do this, Terry, they're millionaires so I wanted to look the part.
Cos when you get down there, they pair you off to look for clues and tracks and all that.
Who was you paired up with, then? That's the thing, they paired me up with that Simon Cowell, didn't they? Oh, yeah.
I know him.
Yeah, he's into Bigfoot in a massive way.
So was it nice scenery out there? It's all right.
A bit tatty around the edges, know what I mean? Yeah.
Nothing too impressive, nothing to write home about.
Oh.
Anyway, guess who strolls out without a care in the world? Bruno Mars? No.
Bigfoot.
Absolutely Absolutely covered in hair he was, stinks to high heaven, he's got a big shit-eating grin on his face, he strolls out all casual.
He's like, "You looking for something, lads?" What, having a laugh and that? Yeah, cheeky with a wink and that.
Then Simon Cowell's right on to him.
He goes, "Oh, it's such an honour to meet you.
" He goes, "Can I sign you up?" No! Said he'd make him a star.
He goes, "Six figures, the whole package.
" He didn't fall for all that, did he, Bigfoot? Course he didn't.
He was more interested in the food we had.
Eats human food, does he? Does he? He had all my Wagon Wheels.
He got through all Simon's sushi.
He drank about two litres of Fanta.
He's drinking it, he's getting it all over his fur and stuff, it's all sticking to him, it's a disaster zone.
Then he started ripping the piss out of Simon's explorer outfit cos his shorts look like little hotpants.
He goes, "What have you come as?" He sounds like a right laugh.
Yeah, he's all right.
He's a bit up himself but I think you got to be in that game, Tezza.
Yeah.
So where does he sleep, then, Old Bigfoot? He sleeps in his treehouse.
He took us up there cos he needed a piss.
What was Cowell doing at this point? He's getting his phone out, pretending he's reading old texts, laughing to himself, acting like he's not bothered about any of it.
He likes to be the centre of attention, doesn't he? Bigfoot now, he's lying down, he starts skinning up.
Yeah.
He goes, "Why don't we go fishing?" I'm like, "I'd love to, mate, but we got to head off.
" So do you think people should leave Bigfoot alone now, like, in his natural habitat? Yeah, I do actually, I do.
Either that or track him down and put him in a zoo so the kids can have a look at him.
The kiddies would love that, wouldn't they? Honestly, Terry, they love all that shit.
Yeah.
Oh, what are you like, Terry? Because you're gorgeous I'd do anything for you.
Because you're Hi, Karen.
Sorry to interrupt your meeting with the board.
Have you seen Jean from Accounts? Why? Is there a problem? No, nothing like that.
Just, we had a flirt scheduled in for 3pm.
I think she's in the New Guy's office.
Thanks, James.
Thanks, Karen.
Oh, and once again, sorry to interrupt your meeting with the board.
So And then I said, "That's not a camel!" I said, "That's a shark!" Oh, this is bullshit! Hey.
Everybody, this is Charlie! Yeah, they know that, I'm the office fucking flirt.
Jean, what happened to our 3pm? I was looking for you.
I just thought No, you didn't think! Hey, what's the problem? I hate how you think you can waltz in and steal all the pussy! Look, friend I'm not your friend.
You know what, have 'em all.
Enjoy your hot bath.
Charlie! Charl Charlie! Charlie! Ah, come on, what's all this about? I'm just fed up! It's been less than three days and already I've had three flirt cancellations! Why don't you flirt with Jean from Accounts in the hot bath? Yeah, right.
I don't know.
I had some really good material on Mother's Day worked out for her, then I walk in and find her draped all over you.
This is crazy.
We should be working together, not against each other.
I want you to turn around, and I want you to get in that hot bath because I want to hear your material on Mother's Day and so does Jean from Accounts.
What do you say? Are you with me? But I don't have any trunks.
So, Jean, are you doing anything fun for Mothers' Day? Having lunch with the boys.
Oh? Very nice.
New Guy, are you busy? Maybe I am.
OK, Justin? Dustin.
Hi, come through.
Yeah.
What have you been up to recently? Er, trying to keep busy.
Erm, a few castings and I'm hopefully doing a play, actually, soon.
Cool, cool.
This is Ben the director, this is Justin.
Justin.
Dustin.
Nice to meet you Justin, I'm Ben.
So, basically what it is, is it's a commercial for a state of the art 3D TV.
And it's the sort of boy next door, everybody loves you performance.
Oh, OK.
I'm going to throw different things at you and just go with them.
Yeah, no worries.
Yeah, just keep it nice and loose.
Cool.
Let's start off with you un-boxing the TV, getting it out of the box.
That's it.
And then you stick it up on the wall.
And it looks incredible.
Ha, ha, ha, cool.
That's really nice, actually.
And then take a seat on the sofa.
And you pick up the remote and you turn it on and it's a comedy channel.
Who's your favourite comedian? Er, John Bishop.
OK, let's say you're watching John Bishop.
And then you change it and it's a sport channel.
Come on! Get it in the goal! Then back to the remote, and it's a costume drama.
Boring.
That's lovely.
And then you go up and up the channels, and it's news, and a make over programme.
And then you get to the adult channel.
Phwoar, she's hot.
OK, erm, let's go again.
Yeah? Just be much more loose with it.
Sort of enjoy it more.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So you're alone in your flat, there's no-one around, you got your new TV.
I just really want to see you enjoy yourself.
What would Justin do? And really go for it, really push it.
Take it to the limit.
Bear in mind this is for Germany.
And then with your other hand, just stick your finger up your bum hole.
Cos that's where you've heard your G-spot is.
And keep going.
Ah! That's really nice.
And then you feel something strange.
You think, "I've not felt that before.
" And it's your prostate and it's enlarged.
It's not good news.
And your still horny, and your still excited because it's a brand new TV.
Cool.
But you're scared cos of what you've just found.
And then accidentally you just nudge the channel on to comedy, and it's John Bishop again.
Yeah, and keep it really natural at the same time.
Yeah, yeah, real boy next door stuff.
And then very slowly, just finish yourself off.
Brilliant.
OK.
Thanks, Justin, that's really good.
OK, cheers.
I think you really got it, it felt really natural.
Thank you.
It was nice to see you have fun with it.
Thank you, we'll let you know.
Could you send the next guy in? Yeah, sure.
Cheers, mate.
Thanks very much, bye.
Good, I thought he was good.
Really good.
Really good.
People say never judge a book by it's cover.
Well, that might be the case if you're the kind of person who reads books but this is the world of magazines where the cover is king.
This week, we have been given the task of finding Dilemma magazine's cover model, and it was my chance to shine.
Can you, er, walk the cat for us please, Sara? This is Lucien Palerma, the New York Editor, and notorious ladies man.
Can you just turn around? Nice to meet you.
You're very pretty.
Time is fast running out to find the right model but this little fishy had a trick up her sleeve.
She's great.
Next! Very pretty.
Yeah, wow.
Next! Great walk, great walk.
Thank you.
What makes you think you can be our next cover model? I've done covers for Vogue and OK, don't answer me back.
Maybe you're not as in tune with the signs as I am.
I'm going to go and talk to her.
This is hopeless.
How many have we seen? Uh, ten.
OK and how many have we got left? Uh, 200.
Look, I didn't want to do this, and it's going to take all my strength and I'm going to have to be really, really brave.
I want you to wait here.
I think I might have found our perfect cover girl.
Great.
Two secs.
Yes, Yumi, yes.
Come on, Yumi No.
No It's me, guys, it's Rachel! I am Dilemmas magazine.
I've been under our noses the whole time.
Let's choose me! Rachel, no! Rachel, please? It wasn't sweat! It was just a shadow on the fabric.
We all sweat, just some more than others.
Thank you.
Yumi, you fucking bag! Next week on Young Dreams Olivia gives me some make up advice.
No.
I give her some, too.
And Yumi finally let's down her hair.
Oh? Sorry It is coming down like bloody Niagara.
Phil, have you seen Steve's Facebook update? No? You should have a look, it's funny.
Is it? Yeah.
So, have you guys seen anything like this before? Oh, God, yeah.
And what does it mean? It's basically the apparition's way of letting us know that we're in it's domain, sort of marking out its territory.
Well, it's just showing off really, innit.
Yeah, there is an element of that, yeah.
So, do you guys just make a note of what you pick up on the mics? Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah Er, I've got a, erm, a bird and a hoover, a monk whispering in Latin, and a ticking clock.
What've you got, Jase? Pretty much the same as you.
Erm, and a monkey.
That sounded like a cat, didn't it? Yeah, it did sound like a cat.
It was definitely something feral.
Yeah, or a train, maybe? Yeah, it did sound like a train.
Maybe put cat slash train? OK.
Oh, OK come on.
I definitely heard that.
We are in business.
We are in business.
Are you ready? Yes, might help with a torch.
I got another text from Steve, he wants to know if we've got a juicer? Why's he want a juicer? I don't know, he just asked if we got a juicer.
He's probably on detox.
Yeah.
Oh, look at this, ectoplasm.
Look at that.
Smells familiar! I'm getting a lot of activity up here, Phil.
A lot of activity.
Why's it so cold in here? Can you, can you guys feel that? The temperature's completely dropped.
Yeah, that can often be the sign that there's actually a presence in the room.
What? Oh, Jesus.
Although in this instance, it is just a case that someone's left the window open.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Guess who's just sent me a picture from Kimono's? Steve? Look.
Predictable.
Ah, bonjour Monsieur Dame.
Ah, bonjour.
Bonjour.
Vous-voulez quelque chose, monsieur? Er, oui, je cherche a present for my, er, ma femme, my wife.
Erm, est-ce que vous-avez des fleurs? Des fleurs? Non, monsieur.
J'ai ne pas de fleurs, j'ai suelement des pommes de terres.
Le cadeau, monsieur? C'est pour une occasion speciale? Er, oui, oui.
Oui? C'est un bar mitzvah? Ou un fete de bukkake? Ou un anniversaire? Anniversaire, oui, yeah, birthday, yeah.
Alors, elle est quel age monsieur? Er, trente-deux ans.
Trente-deux ans? Yes.
Ah oui.
J'ai le nouveau pomme de terre.
C'est parfait pour une femme de cet age.
C'est un peu sexy.
Vous peut mettre avec la petite coulotte.
Comme ca, si vous voulez.
C'est aussi bien si elle fait la salle de bain.
Les choses comme ca, comme ca? Ca, c'est le nouveau.
C'est jolie.
Ah, oui, c'est jolie, oui.
J'ai aussi le Charlotte pomme de terre.
Si tu es populaire avec des celebres - Carla Bruni, ou Gwyneth Paltrow, ou Angelina Jolie.
Oh? Un minute s'il vous plait, monsieur? Er, OK.
Alors.
Ca c'est le Maris Piper.
C'est magnifique.
C'est le pomme de terre du pomme de terre.
Pas de question.
Est-ce que je peux essayer sur toi? Oui, oui.
Cos you're similar to my wife.
Oui, oui.
Erm, comme ca? Oui, comme ca, oui.
Comme ca? Oui, comme ca.
Er, la? Comme ca, oui.
La? Comme ca.
Comme ca.
Oui, comme ca.
Comme ca, la, comme ca? Comme ca.
La, comme ca? Comme ca, monsieur.
On peut le mettre comme ca.
Je veux bien.
That will be lovely.
D'accord, je mets dans un petit sac, monsieur.
Alors.
Et je donne un nouveau pomme du terre gratuit, monsieur.
Merci.
Voila.
OK.
Bonne journee.
Au revoir, enchante.
Au revoir, au revoir, monsieur.
Phil, I just heard it.
I did.
Let's just hope it shows itself.
Yeah, what do you think it is? I don't know.
Is it the cat? It's not the cat-train.
Just give us a sign.
Any sign.
Any sign at all.
Jase, are you all right? Yeah.
You all right? Yeah.
What's that? What? Where? There, down, down there.
Where? There.
It's an arm.
Whose arm? It's Arnab's arm.
Phil? What? Whatever you do, do not turn round.
What, is there something behind me? Yes.
Is it Arnab? No.
All right? Jase, get it off me.
Jase, I'm fucking serious, get it off! Get it off me now! I'm trying.
Jase, get him off me now! I'm serious, stop it! Get off now.
Get off me, right, get off me now! It's definitely still in the room with us.
It smells like Bolognese.
Yeah, that or lasagne.
We're not going to make it to Kimonos now, are we? No, not now.
You'd better text Steve, tell him we're not coming.
Yeah, all right.
Would ya?