Cavendish (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Just between you and me - (woman talking inaudibly) - Baby, I know - Hey.
You know, you could just try talking to her if you want.
Unless you're just trying to stare at her until she, I don't know, caves under the weight of your creepy glare.
- Not staring at her.
I wasn't - Not staring at her? - I wasn't staring.
I was just - What are you doing? There's something on her I don't care, man.
What are we doing this weekend? I don't Well, I mean Wrong answer, because we, you and I, are going to Charlottetown to see - Laverne! - What the hell is Laverne?! Laverne the Incredibilist! The greatest hypnotist in the history of the Maritimes? Remember, - You seldom forget Laverne - "Seldom"? Yeah, wasn't the most confident slogan.
Mark, I don't want to go to Charlottetown and see some weird hypnotist make people think they're chickens or whatever.
He doesn't make people think they're chickens, Andy.
He makes them think they crapped their pants.
- Is that it? That's the only thing he does? - He doesn't need to do anything else.
- I'm gonna take a hard pass on that.
I'm - You are insane, man.
We will make a whole day of this.
Do you hear what I'm saying? - Yeah - Get to Charlottetown, we go eat COWS ice cream, best in the Maritimes, then we go to Charlottetown's Empire State Building, now eight stories high! And then if there's time before Laverne, we go watch Confederation Times.
You heard of this? - No.
- It's a live show where the original fathers of Confederation duke it out with old-timey weapons while you and I eat big ol' turkey legs.
OK, fellas Whoa, - is that Laverne? - Oh yeah, yeah! You know him? AAAH! He is like my favourite hypnotist of all time.
- You like multiple hypnotists?! - I always wanted to see him, but he never came to Cavendish.
Well, we are going to see him in Charlottetown this weekend.
- If you want to join us - Mark - (mumbling): Shush, shut up! - Oh! Oh! Well, Jacob's with his dad this weekend.
But I was gonna build a little hunting blind, see if I can't finally take down that squirrel that's been ransacking my bird feeder.
- I'm gonna take his eyes when I get him.
- What? Why his eyes? Then again, this does sound more fun, so I'm in.
Great news! - Great! Great.
- (theme music) Di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da Mark, can we just not do this? I'm not going.
Come on, Andy, we are going to see the best hypnotist in the history of the Maritimes, and you're gonna have a whole day to spend time - getting to know Molly.
- I already know Molly doesn't like me, I don't want to be any more humiliated, so no.
Hey, where's this negativity coming from? Me! That's who I am.
Well, not today, it's not, OK? Today, you're New Andy, Confident Andy, Good Andy, the kind of Andy with all those special talents I know about that any woman would love.
Talents that include writing You're trying to think of a second compliment for me, aren't you? Wrong.
I'm actually rethinking the first one because I said you could write, but then I was like, "Can he write?" Never actually seen any evidence of that.
- That's great.
Thank you so much, Mark.
- Anyway.
Why are you bringing so much stuff? Charlottetown is like 30 minutes away.
This is supposed to be like a day trip.
Hey, it's a road trip, Andy.
And besides, you'll be thanking me when you get hungry at minute 10, and I just so happen to have a cooler full of deviled eggs.
Haha! Oh, one sec.
- Where are you going? - I gotta go get my passport - and my travel pillow.
- It's 30 minutes away! ( Goin' Up the Country song by Canned Heat ) Oh, my gosh, guys, I cannot tell you how exciting this is.
Anyone want an egg? Molly, nice egg? Molly? Everything OK, Molly? Yeah! Yeah, I guess I'm just a little nervous.
Never been to the big city before.
Oh, uh technically, I-I-I went to Moncton with my uncle, but we didn't make it out of the bus station.
- What happened? - He died.
Got hit by a couple of buses.
- Sorry, "a couple of buses"? - First bus knocked him into the second bus.
Third bus finished him off.
So three buses, OK.
Well, if that's what you're worried about, Molly That is not all that I am worried about.
What else are you worried about? The muggings, the murders, the roving gangs! There's no roving gangs in Charlottetown because Charlottetown is not "the big city," alright? It's got an entire population of - What's the population, Andy? - 36000.
36000, Molly! That's it, 36000 people! Christ! Imagine the sound of all those mouths chewing - and swallowing at the same time.
- Yeah, imagining one mouth doing that would be horrifying, so instead let's imagine all the fun we're gonna have and then stop imagining that because we are here.
Good friend It's been a long time Since I've seen you Oooh ooh ooooh - - These days We know nothin' Just a memory Of youthful days Ooooh Oooh oooh oooh oooooh Oooh ooooooh Oooh ooh oooh oooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh Crazy! When John A.
McDonald smoked Joseph Howe with that mace, I was like, "What?!" Ohhh! And then, when Thomas D'Arcy McGee cut off Ambrose Shea's arm with that broadsword, I thought my head was gonna explode.
Hell yeah, you guys.
Well, if you thought that was good, just wait until we take in the hypnotic stylings of Eastern Canada's favourite - aging hypnotist.
- I honestly can't wait.
- Aaah! - Hahaha! - Um, what's wrong? - Oh, nothing.
Just thought that the Playhouse was supposed to be around here, but can't seem to get a signal anymore, so Are you sure this is the right area? - It seems a bit rough.
- Nah, I think we're probably close.
Let's keep going.
Let's just keep keep going.
- (dog barking) - (disquieting music) Alright, we definitely have to turn around, this is not the way to the Playhouse.
Relax, we still got plenty of time 'til the show.
Besides, we did turn around 10 minutes ago.
- What?! - Yeah, OK, we're quite lost.
I don't know what you want me to say.
But it's gonna be fine.
- It's not fine! - What is fine about this? It's going to be fine.
- I'm sorry, it's going to be fine.
- It will be fine.
- Where are we? Where are we, Mark? - I don't know that! Dear God, this is exactly what I knew would happen.
Now I'm gonna get kidnapped by a drug dealer and forced to steal cars.
I don't even know what you're referencing anymore, Molly.
- Come on, Mark! - Oh, you get that?! - Yes.
City Fears! City Fears! - City Fears, Mark.
- City Fears?! - Don't be dumb! Don't be dumb, Mark! "Don't be dumb"? You say that I'm being dumb?! "Shayyshhh! Shayyyshhh!" - Both of you, "shaysh!" - "Shaysh"? Now you leave this to me, and I will find a way to There we go.
Look at that.
Look at that.
- What? - Ask and ye shall receive.
- A fellow man.
- No.
A man who I'm going to ask for directions.
- Mark Mark, no, no, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
- Oh no! I'm pretty sure he's not a drug dealer who's gonna force me to steal cars, if that's what you're afraid of.
Leave it to me.
- (spooky music) - Uh, excuse me, sir.
I was hoping you could give me some directions.
(breath rattling) - Oh, dear God! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no! That's the face of a demon.
That's a demon, man, and he's reaching for something.
Let's go! Pick it up! Let's go! Let's go, Molly! OK, OK, OK.
Just-just-just calm down.
Just calm down and forget all about that guy - and the way that he sounded.
- You still hear his breathing? - I'm gonna forget it.
- Yeah, yeah, we're all gonna be hearing that breathing for a long time.
But that's fine because he's not there, and we're in here, so we're good.
We're more - or less good.
- (indistinct blues song playing) Alright, come on, come on.
Hi, everyone! Nice place.
Hi there.
Got a quick question for you.
Order first, then ask questions.
Makes sense.
OK, you guys know what you want? - What's your house red? - What?! Jesus, Andy! We'll just get three beers, please.
So now that we have ordered, here's my little query How the hell do we get out of Charlottetown? Not what I was gonna ask.
We're going to the Playhouse; - do you know how to get to the Playhouse? - The Playhouse, eh? You wouldn't happen to be seeing Laverne, would you? Yes.
I knew it! Yes! He is terrific, isn't he? The way that he makes people think that they crapped their pants? Mwah! - Yeah, we like him a lot.
- Big fans.
The Playhouse is real close.
I've got a map, I'll show it to you.
OK, sounds great.
Mmm! Mmm! - Mark, don't leave us here.
- What's the problem? I'm gonna be right over there.
Just talk to Molly.
Don't be a coward, come on.
(indistinct blues song playing) Ooh.
(nervous laugh) Scary place, huh? - So, we're here.
- OK.
And the Playhouse is there.
Pretty close! So we must have taken the wrong turn going up there.
And what's this area we're in right now called? - Old Charlottetown.
- Old Charlottetown.
It's mostly pretty nice people around here, except for the gangs.
Oh, there are gangs? There are gangs around gangs around here? Oh yeah.
Swarms of 'em.
- "Swarms.
" - And all with their own esthetic theme.
Trashies, Dirtrags, Scarlet Letters.
Technically, they all have their own turf, but they tend to rove.
Roving gangs, great.
OK, well, I am gonna keep that information from those two over there 'cause - they might freak out.
- Ah, don't be afraid.
They won't hurt you unless you cross 'em or they feel like it.
(rock music playing in the background) Hey, do you know what I was thinking of the other day? Mrs.
Finley.
Remember her? - No.
- Our third-grade teacher, remember her? She always used to say, uh, "Pencils down.
" Remember that? Every teacher says that.
Yeah, but she would kind of like emphasize the "down" part.
"Pencils down!" No.
No, I don't remember.
Maybe it was the "pencils" part that she hit.
It's hard to I can't do it like her, but it was pretty pretty weird.
- Anyway, she's probably dead now.
- Hey, guys! So I just spoke with, as it turns out, very weird bartender, and she said that the Playhouse is like five minutes away, so let's go.
Let's go now.
Actually, we're probably gonna finish our drinks because - No, we gotta move now.
- I'm working things out with Molly.
That's great, but we should get going for reasons - that I'm gonna explain later.
- Pardon me, gentlemen.
Oh! OK, well, hmmm that's one of them.
Don't let us interrupt the good times.
- A roving gang.
- Yes, it turns out there are roving gangs.
I am so sorry.
Looks like you guys are having fun, eh, Nitro? Oh yeah, Doyt.
Looks like everyone's blowing off some steam.
Yeah.
Uh, well, the three of us were actually just on our way out, so Oh yeah? Yeah, you got plans with friends? That's nice.
You're gonna go goof around, have a laugh? - Something like that.
- Yes, sort of.
Well, that's nice.
I like that.
- Love to laugh.
- Hmm! Nitro, tell 'em a joke.
Just so happens I have a joke here in my pocket.
- (Bleep) you! - OK.
I got a joke too.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Boom.
(gang member laughing) It's the middle finger again.
Boom, it's gone.
OK.
Obviously, it's very clear that we all love jokes.
Except for when those jokes happen to be at the expense of my good friend Douglas.
(clicking his tongue) Oh, hell - (dramatic music) - You see, Douglas has a condition.
He's asthmatic, and he's also got some throat things that makes it very noisy when he breathes.
It's no biggie, but he's just very self-conscious about it.
Which is why it pained me to learn that some out-of-towners were making little comments.
Douglas, are these the people that mocked you? - (inhaler spraying) - Yeah.
It's just his voice.
That's how he talks.
Listen, Douglas, we are so, so sorry for any hurt we caused you.
- Maybe we could buy you a drink - A drink?! You think you can come into our territory, Vesties territory, and buy your way out of this with a drink? You want me to waste these guys, Doyt? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Doyt, please, the three of us are actually quite nice if you just get to know us.
- What did you just call me? - I called you Doyt.
Is Doyt - Is your name not Doyt? - My name is Dirt.
Are you making fun of my friend Nitro's speech impediment now? Nooo.
No.
- Mark is not.
- Oh, boy, you really like making fun of other people's problems, don't you? That is not true at all.
That's two coincidences in quick succession.
Maybe I can give you a little condition that we can all laugh at.
A little knife-itis.
- (gang laughing) - (Mark): Wait.
Wait.
- (Andy): Whoa! Whoa! - (Mark): Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Let him go now! Nobody hurts my friends in my bar! Oh, my God! She's lifting him by his goddamn neck! Let's go, guys! Thank you, scary lady! Standing up for your friends, that something I can respect.
Alright, gang let's get 'em outside! She doesn't have jurisdiction over the streets.
- Let's go, whoo! - Let's go! - (dramatic music) - Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
OK.
OK.
Slow down for a second.
I feel like I'm gonna - Did we lose 'em? - (man): Hello? - No.
- OK, over here.
Over here.
Over here.
(man): Hey! I can see you over there! Oh, I'm a police officer by the way.
Sir, you are a real lifesaver.
I mean, I knew we were gonna be OK, but you are - concrete evidence of that.
- Oh, no sweat.
You know, I'm mostly here just to stop people from breaking into parked cars.
So I had my eye on you.
But, well, then you guys looked like you needed some help, so I thought, you know, help you.
Yeah, we were tracking all that, thanks.
- So where are you all headed? - Back to the tourist zone - and then as far away from the town as possible.
- Or, or how far are we from the Playhouse, sir? Mark, if we don't head back to the tourist zone right now, - I will murder you myself.
- Molly, you might want to think twice about threatening me in front of an officer of the law.
Oh, I don't mind, I'm pretty easygoing.
But, you know, if you're looking for the Playhouse, I have some great news for you.
You're already there.
What? What do you mean? This is the Playhouse's parking garage.
Look, there's an elevator right over there.
It takes you up to the foyer.
Oh, my goodness! Would you look at that! I told you this city was alright.
- (elevator doors opening) - Ohhh - Hello again.
- OK, never mind.
The city is garbage.
Get in the car! Get in the car! - (Andy): OK! - Oh no! You three pissed off - the Vesties?! - Yes, we did! So get in the car - right now, please! - Oh no.
The Vesties run this area.
I'm sorry, but you're on your own.
What the hell are you talking about?! Get in the car! Please don't judge the entire Charlottetown police service based on my actions.
I'm a coward! Destroy the car! Do what you want to them! Just let me live! That is a very bad police officer.
OK.
Um, what what do we do here? - Do we do we run? - We're surrounded, - we can't run.
- I'm done running.
What do you mean, you're done running? We hunters have a saying, "Hunt or be hunted.
" I'm not gonna let this big city hunt me anymore.
It's time to hunt back.
"It's time to hunt back"? Maybe we should talk to them.
This is probably a talking situation.
Guys like that only understand one language violence.
- Fortunately - (drum music) I'm bilingual.
- Holy smokes! - That was awesome! Yeah, that was really well put.
(rock music) Remember us? Dirt, Nitro, bunch of other gang members who have minor defects I'm sure you'd love to point out.
- (grunting and screaming) - (indistinct rock song) - (Andy): My gosh! - OK.
OK, that's that's how she's gonna do it.
She's just gonna beat the (Bleep) out of everyone.
(grunting) - We should probably get out there.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's just I feel like she's got training.
Absolutely.
Yeah, she does.
- She's demonstrating that.
- We don't.
- We, a hundred percent, do not.
- Definitely do not.
OK, big guy's coming in! The big boy! We're clearly saying she has got a handle on this.
For her, she's like, "They're not even bothering to leave the car, that's how much confidence they have in me.
" - Yeah.
- "And that makes me feel good, and that makes me fight better.
" - (grunting) - (rock music) For some reason, they're attacking her one at a time, and she seems to be able to handle that.
Yeah.
It's honorable of them, I guess.
Or they just they just don't have strategy.
It's their weakness at the top.
- Did I say, "One at a time"? Everybody at once! - Come on! I could do it, but I have the neck thing.
- Let's go! - Come on! - Oh, they got her.
- Oh, they got her.
- They did get her.
- Oh! Ugh! Well, that was pretty good, but I'm afraid that you are GODDAMN IT! OUCH! Oh, my God! Do you have her yet?! Get her out of here! Hold her - by her fists! - (indistinct chattering) Jeez! Alright, fellas, you can come out now.
Here they come for us.
That's good.
Should we try and fight them? No.
Don't know why I said that.
Yes, why did you even say that? That's insane.
- We're coming, we're coming.
- We're coming, OK.
We're good, we're good, we're good.
Or you can grab us.
You guys were so brave in there.
You were brave.
You two were brave.
Just equal.
Everybody, so brave.
Haha! But I'm sorry because this ends right now.
Wait! Dirt, let her go.
Andy, what the hell are you doing? You're right, Mark, I'm a coward, but like Molly said, "I'm done running.
" It's time to do what's right.
Molly, I love you.
- Oh, my God! - Or I really like you.
Or I would like to get to know you.
We're probably gonna die tonight; before we do, I wanna show you how I feel.
So, Dirt let's do this man to man.
Throw down your knife and put up your fists, so I can suck your ass in front of your friends.
I'm sorry, did you just say you were gonna suck my ass? What? No.
What? When? You just said you were gonna suck my ass in front of my friends.
No, I didn't, I didn't.
I said kick.
You definitely just said suck.
"I'm gonna suck your ass - in front of your friends.
" - (Vesties laughing) - Who heard that? - That's what I heard.
- Did I did I say that? - Yeah.
You misspoke.
You misspoke, - and you're a loser.
- (unknown man): Enough! Laverne! You will leave these three alone.
You will return to the place from whence you came and bother strangers no more.
From this day forward, compassion, not violence, shall guide you.
(finger snapping) Well, I don't know what that was, but you're Laverne, the Incredibilist, right? Are you not him? You're him.
Oh, my God! One time, I saw you hypnotize these two strangers into thinking they crapped each other's pants.
(guffawing) - Thank you.
I like that bit a lot.
- I may be out of line in asking this, Mr.
Laverne, but, ahem, I would very much like your autograph.
- Of course.
Do you have a pen? - Ooh, um Uh-oh! Yes, it appears - you do.
- (laughing) Whaa There you go.
One for you.
And one for you! - Thank you, Laverne.
- Always happy to meet the fans.
- I feel like a little kid again, I really do.
Thank you! - Bye, Laverne! - (Vesties laughing) - Now, may I interest you three in a performance that audiences seldom forget? Oh! Oh! And then when Andy was on stage, and he kept saying, "I made a stinky.
" - I thought I was gonna die.
- (Mark and Molly laughing) - That was amazing! - You know, it is not funny to make people do things against their will.
And you know what? If I see Laverne again What? You'll threaten to suck his ass? Oh, my God! I forgot that was tonight too.
- (both laughing) - "Put up your fists or I'll suck your ass in front of your friends!" - It's right! That's right! - OK, new rule: - no talking 'til we get home.
- (Molly and Mark laughing) Oh, my God! Oh, you have had quite a night, Andy.
Hey, Molly, remember when Andy said he loved you? Yeah.
What do you love about me, Andy? You barely know me.
You can make your life a misery if you try