Celebrity Squares (2014) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and this is Celebrity Squares, the show with more celebrities than a free bar at the BAFTAs.
Let's meet them! He's the fastest pun in the west - it's Tim Vine! We give him ten.
From Strictly Come Dancing, it's Bruno Tonioli.
Everyone's favourite bearded comic - Joe Wilkinson! The astrological Russell Grant.
The best Canadian export since maple syrup, it's the hilarious Katherine Ryan.
From Birds Of A Feather, it's Linda Robson.
Nathan is on - it's comedian Nathan Caton.
A welcome addition, it's Countdown's Rachel Riley.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Vernon Kay! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, squares! ALL: Hello! Great to see you all.
Thanks for being here.
Vernon.
Yes, sir.
You are the host of Family Fortunes.
I am.
Yeah.
If I was to ask you what you're most looking forward to about tonight what would be your top answer? I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to being underneath Rachel Riley! He promised he wanted to be underneath me! He's a liar! Sorry, Bruno.
I apologise.
-I'm gonna leave right now.
All my friends are gonna be so jealous I am underneath What about me next door? Sorry, yeah, of course! Don't forget your neighbours.
Joe, have you ever fancied doing Family Fortunes? Yeah, if you like.
Oh, thanks very much, Joe.
That wasn't convincing.
If you were to come on Family Fortunes who would you bring? Er, I'll be honest with you.
My family have distanced themselves from me for quite a while.
So I presume it would be me and four mannequins.
The squares, everybody! (APPLAUSE) We've met our celebrity squares so now let's meet our contestants.
Representing the noughts we have Katy.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Katy! Hi, I'm Katy.
I'm 23.
I'm a legal secretary and I'm from Essex.
Lovely.
Katy, you say you're a legal secretary.
What does that involve? Um, basically it's the boring stuff nobody wants to do! OK! What do you do in your spare time to give yourself a lift? I like going raving.
Do you? I like partying, yeah.
So I go to Ibiza quite a lot.
Have you seen Bruno over there? Yeah.
No, in Ibiza, not literally! Gonna be a long night.
Thank you.
Katy, great to have you here tonight.
Katy, everyone! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the crosses we have Saj.
Welcome to the show.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hello, Saj! I'm Saj, I'm 45, company director from Berkshire.
So you're a company director.
What company do you direct? For two years I've been in the process of trying to attempt to set up a new business.
It's coming to a high street near you.
Doing what?! I'm getting there! It's a new coffee concept.
The dragons would have kicked you out by now.
It's a new coffee concept.
Something new.
Around indulgent foods: dessert parlours, ice-cream parlours.
Desserts.
So you just go in and literally have a dessert.
Yes.
-You've had dinner somewhere else and think, "Let's go and have a dessert.
" We feel there's a market for it.
What sort of thing? Apple pie? Gelato ice cream.
Trifle? No trifle.
Oh.
Milkshakes.
Lots of waffles.
Everything sweet and sticky.
Thank you very much, Saj.
Our contestants, everyone! (APPLAUSE) So here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, either up and down across like that or diagonally like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision they take that square.
Otherwise it goes to their opponent.
For each square they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
That's the rules.
Let's start with game one! (APPLAUSE) Saj, you won backstage.
So which square would you like to start with? -Tim Rice.
Sorry, Tim Vine! I'll see if he's back there.
Hang on.
Tim, you're on! Now, Tim, you're a comedian.
Bless you for that.
Um what have you been up to this week? It's been an extraordinary week.
Yesterday me and my girlfriend cycled across the desert with our legs exposed.
Tandem? We certainly did! There it is! Come on! Here's your question.
According to research carried out by the University of Arkansas, what does listening to jazz do to your food? You've done the right thing choosing me, Saj, cos I know about jazz instruments and stuff.
I got off a plane the other day and my leg went brr-rr-rr.
Brr-rr-rr! I had deep-vein trombonist.
But I have been in a jazz bar when a meal was served and it did have an effect on my food.
I opened the fizzy drink and it went tsss Tss-tss, tss-tss, tss-tss, tss-tss.
But in all seriousness, Saj, I have no idea so I'm gonna tell you this.
I reckon it maybeI don't know it It makes it last longer.
How about that? It makes the food last longer.
Right.
Saj, you know a bit about food.
He knows about rice (!) Would you? Would you agree or disagree with Tim's answer? Agree.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was making it taste better.
OK, Katy, please choose a square.
Rachel Riley, please.
Yes! Lovely Rachel up there.
You have worked with Joe on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
Do you feel better being further away from him? I didn't recognise him with his hair and suit.
The only time he's worn a suit on Cats Does Countdown he actually wore a wedding dress over the top.
Nice to see.
You scrub up well, Joe.
-Yes, I know! I look incredible! Rachel, here's your question.
From what film is this famous line taken? "A boy's best friend is his mother.
" Joe, have you ever been in a film? Am I best friends with my mum? Yeah.
We go roller-blading.
All right.
I'm guessing it's not Joe.
I do know this one.
I've seen it.
Psycho.
-Do you agree or disagree with that? -Um I'll agree.
-You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Well done.
Over to you, Saj.
Please choose a square.
Nathan Caton for the block.
Nathan, welcome.
You're a stand-up comedian.
Rachel, didn't you judge Nathan once in some sort of talent show? Yeah.
You won, didn't you? No, I came second.
Thanks! I won the heat.
You won the one I was judging.
See, there you go.
That's the one Iwas effective.
Yeah, the heat.
Thank you.
When you do your shows there's a member of your family that hasn't seen you.
Yeah.
My grandma.
I've tried my best to avoid her coming to my gigs because Why's that? She would slap the black off me if she heard my jokes.
When I told her I was doing comedy she was like, "Comedy? You think I come all the way here from Antigua so that 50 years later you could try to be funny?!" OK, here's your question.
Where would you find the smallest bone in the human body? Erm if you're Nick Clegg I would say the spine.
Thinking back to my GCSE science, it's either the foot or the ear.
I am going to go the ear.
The ear? I agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
The smallest bone in the human body is in the ear.
Unless of course you're Gary Lineker.
Katy, please choose a square.
Vernon Kay.
All right, Vernon? Vernon, what part of a beaver never stops growing? The tail.
Tail.
Tail.
UmI don't think that's right.
I think it's their teeth.
So I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was their front teeth.
Adult beavers are around three feet, five stone, and only mate annually.
Hang on, they've stolen my act.
Warwick? I've got a beaver joke.
I said to this bloke, "I bet you can't name a subject I don't have a joke about.
" He said, "Beavers.
" I said, "Damn.
" Saj, please choose a square.
Katherine Ryan.
Katherine Ryan.
-Hello.
"-Funny and attractive.
" That's how I describe myself.
How would you describe YOURself? Lately I've been describing myself as the least convincing Warwick Davis tribute act.
How do you find the British sense of humour versus the Canadian sense of humour? Are they different? It took a while to find the polar bear jokes do not work in Luton.
They just I love it here.
And I will not leave.
No matter how many people vote UKIP.
I'm staying.
So this is for the block.
Here's your question, Katherine.
Who said, "I think everyone should leave Twitter? I think Twitter should be banned from the universe.
" I know a lot of celebrities don't like Twitter.
Ralph Fiennes said it erodes modern language.
Like when your name is Ralph but you pronounce it Rafe.
Um I know this.
I know about celebrities.
It's Miley Cyrus.
I believe she finds the internet to be annoying.
Yeah, Miley Cyrus, it's the internet that's annoying (!) My answer is Miley Cyrus.
-What do you think? Agree or disagree? I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
And successfully blocks.
Yes, Miley Cyrus has tried everything to quit Twitter.
But nothing seems to TWERK.
Katy, please choose a square.
-Russell Grant for the win, please.
Here we go, Russell.
You are an astrologer.
I am! To be honest, Russell, I'm a bit sceptical about astrology.
Typical Aquarius.
But um They're used to gazing up at stars.
Just turn round now.
There you go.
The constellation of Bruno Tonioli.
Could you imagine if you had him rising? Oh, my God! That would give you a fright! Russell, here's the question.
Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow and Clayface are all enemies of whom? This is a great movie, has lots of villains and heroes and I'm gonna go for Batman.
Batman.
UmI've been on holiday to Universal Studios so I should know this.
Um but I thought it was something different.
But he seems really convincing.
SoI'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
And wins that game plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Yes, the Scarecrow is a sinister scrawny figure in shabby clothes.
I'm not sure of his real identity but, Joe, I think Batman wants a word.
AUDIENCE: Awww! Thank you.
Let's see your totals so far.
After the first game Katy has ?650 and Saj has ?100! (APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win our mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that hates to pigeon hole people Oh, hang on.
Before the break we met Katy from Essex and Saj from Berkshire.
Saj, I believe you have an interest in classic cars.
Yes.
I've spent a long labour of love I've just restored an old Mercedes.
Oh, yeah? Did you do it all yourself, all the mechanics? No, I paid someone to do it.
And you just stood there and watched.
Katy, I understand you haven't had a lot of luck with cars, have you? No.
I was thinking if I won some money on the show I wanted to buy a Jaguar.
But I don't think that's a good idea considering I've had five cars in two years.
Why's that? I'm just not very good with cars.
It's not my fault.
But um It's what you tell the insurance company! I accidentally drove about 20 miles with my handbrake on.
And I smelt burning.
What did that do? So that car kind of died.
It killed the car? Yeah.
So I had to get a new car.
That went into the back of a lamppost.
On its own? Didn't work out well.
Yeah, on its own.
It wasn't me.
Lampposts are notorious for coming out of nowhere when you least expect 'em! I need to be careful for those.
The next one I got somebody smashed into it on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
So I didn't have a car.
And I've got my one now which is - touch wood - still going.
If I were you, if you win tonight, forget the Jaguar.
Just get yourself a bus pass.
Seriously.
Right It's time for game two! (APPLAUSE) Which works just like game one except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, then they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
So, it's time to release the squares! For you at home here's who it is.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you get to choose first.
Nathan Caton.
Nathan, here we go, sir.
Here's your question.
True or false? Pirates Of The Caribbean star Johnny Depp owns his own parrot.
I like to think he owns a onesie with scissors as the hands so he can reminisce.
I'd say false.
It sounds too much of a convenience.
That he was in Pirates Of The Caribbean.
I say false.
Right.
Disagree with him.
You're wrong to disagree! So nought gets that square.
I won't let you down, man.
Johnny appeared in my sitcom Life's Too Short.
Which reminds me, I haven't seen him for a while.
We were to go out for a drink but then he changed his email address and lost his phone apparently.
And erI think he's moved house as well recently cos all my letters come back return to sender.
JD, if you're watching, call me.
Please.
OK, Katy.
Please choose a square.
Joe Wilkinson, please.
Here we go, Joe.
You're excited, aren't you? Yes! You haven't won anything.
You've just got to answer a question.
Here we go.
George Clooney is related to which former American President? I'll be honest with you, Clooney's full of it.
He makes things up, always has.
He's a nice fella, I'm sure.
But he's full of it so I don't believe the question.
Next.
You can't do that, Joe.
You can't do that.
This is your question and you have to provide an answer.
WellI make stuff up.
Like Ito impress the er girls I say I'm related to the cast of Birds Of A Feather.
We've got the same facial hair! But I've read he says he's er related to George W Bush.
Right.
So you think George Clooney is related to George W Bush.
Er, yeah.
OK, Katy.
Do you agree or disagree with Joe? Um disagree.
What? You're right to disagree! Nought gets that square.
Well done.
The answer was Abraham Lincoln.
Saj, over to you.
Have to be Vernon Kay for the block.
Come on, Saj! Well done, Saj.
You found that mystery square.
Vernon, from under your desk, please reveal what Saj will be playing for.
Ta-da! Vernon is a big fan of American football.
And if you get this right, Saj, you can be too.
Thanks to our friends at the NFL.
We've two VIP tickets to see the Dallas Cowboys versus the Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium later this year.
(APPLAUSE) What a prize! Right.
So here's the question, Vernon.
What was Essex formerly known as? RACHEL: Careful! With all that bronzing they wear I would say St Tropez but can't be.
Orange County? Watch it! East Middlesex? Something like that? I don't know.
I'm not too good on Essex.
East Middlesex? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Agree or disagree? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! -Saj! Catch! Are you ready?! I'm ready.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, the set! Watch the X! Look at my X, swinging all over the place.
Sorry.
OK.
You were right to disagree.
X gets the square.
And you win the mystery prize! Well done.
The correct answer was East Saxony.
The East Saxons were a fierce warlike people, particularly if they caught you getting off with their boyfriend in the Sugar Hut.
Katy, please choose a square.
Tim Vine, please.
Hello, Katy.
Here we go, Tim.
Come on.
What is Inspector Morse's first name? Ah.
I know this.
Um his first name is bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip, beep.
Um or it's It may beRe.
Remorse.
Which erI regret saying that now.
Do you know what? I'll be honest, Katy.
I didn't used to watch that very much.
So I I can vaguely remember a name from one of the episodes but I'm not absolutely sure it was his name.
I just remember it was a name.
So I'm going for Cornelius.
Do you watch Morse? -No.
I can honestly say I've never watched Morse.
I just know that they call him Morse all the time.
That's not very helpful.
But um.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
Inspector Morse's first name was Endeavour.
Endeavour means to try hard to do something.
As in, "I endeavoured to watch Morse but really couldn't be bothered.
" Saj, please choose a square.
-I'll have Bruno for the block.
-Bruno.
So we know you from Strictly.
What's it going to be like without Brucie? Everybody's going to miss Brucie.
He's a legend, come on.
And I have such a laugh with him.
But I tell you the girls are gonna be wonderful.
They know the show.
We all gonna miss Bruce but you know, you can never replace him.
But by having Tess and Claudia, the story continues, a great happy family.
They'll do a fantastic job.
Lovely.
OK.
Here's your question.
Where will you find the world's largest desert? Why should I find it? I haven't lost it yet! It's a big place, you know? But actually I think I know.
The world's largest desert is Antarctica.
Right.
So Saj, he's not talking about desserts.
Yeah! Largest desert.
Would you agree or disagree it's in Antarctica? I'd completely disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! You don't get that square.
It's back in play.
Because of course to win the line Katy will have to win the square for herself.
OK, Katy, your turn.
Rachel Riley, please.
Katy, can I just ask you, you've played noughts and crosses before? I've got another nought there.
Oh, up there! Doh! I always do this.
I'm looking silly now.
For a change.
Right.
Here's your question, Rachel.
According to a recent study, on what day of the week do women look their oldest? If you think about it logically, when we ARE oldest, on a Sunday, but if you're like me and Katy, you work hard all week.
Before I go Countdowning I'm raving all weekend! So I'd go for Monday.
You think Monday.
Going for Monday.
I think that's quite a good answer because realistically, after a weekend, you do look rough.
You might do, I don't.
So I'm going to agree with Rachel.
You are wrong to agree! Cross gets the square.
Sorry.
In fact, women look oldest on a Wednesday.
Saj, your turn.
It'll have to be Russell Grant for the win.
Fantastic.
Here we go, Russell.
No pressure.
Oh, absolutely.
What type of instrument would you be playing if you were on the sweet potato? This is something you might want to blow if you're having a bit of a mash-up.
I reckon, if you had a set of them, it could be playing the drums.
I'm going to agree with Russell.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was a type of flute.
Katy, choose a square, please.
Bruno Tonioli.
Bruno.
I will try my best to please you, my darling.
Thank you.
So this is for the win now.
In what sport is Judd Trump a professional player? Come on, Bruno.
Judd Trump? Is it Donald Trump's stupid brother? I have no idea.
I know nothing about sport.
It could be any sport that has ever been played.
Bruno.
I'm gonna send it to you.
Give it to me.
You got it.
Badminton! I didn't say that! I don't think he sounds much like a badminton player.
I'm going to disagree, please.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
And the game! Plus a bonus of ?500.
Congratulations, Katy.
Well done.
The correct answer was snooker.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Katy, you've won ?1.
300.
and Saj ?150.
(APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game three! Which we've called Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Contestants will agree or disagree if they think they're telling the truth, or if they're telling a porky.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you pick first.
Joe Wilkinson.
Took you by surprise, didn't we, Joe? Yes! I was having a little daydream.
Can we please hear your square essential? I once had to shave my beard off after I got chewing gum stuck in it.
Seeing you on TV on a regular basis, Joe, it's probably true.
Agree.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
So, Joe, have you ever got anything stuck in that beard of yours? Er, yeah.
Loads of stuff.
I use it to my advantage.
I leave things in there.
Sort of storage.
I've got a Toblerone for later.
OK, Katy, please choose a square.
Russell Grant, please.
OK, Russell, let's hear your square essential.
I once performed at a Bar Mitzvah with Barbra Streisand.
I'm going to agree with that.
You're wrong to agree! Cross gets the square.
Could be, couldn't it?! Saj, please choose a square.
Rachel Riley.
In every room of my house I've got a little bonsai tree.
Disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
Well done, Saj.
Ah, the bonsai tree.
The Warwick Davis of the tree world! Katy, over to you.
Vernon Kay for the block, please.
For the block! My karaoke track is Combine Harvester by the Wurzels.
I disagree with that.
How dare you? You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
And the block.
-She's good.
Vernon, do you have a karaoke song that you like to do? It's always Help by The Beatles.
Help, I need somebody.
Not just anybody.
Right, Saj, over to you, please.
-Nathan Caton.
-This is for the block.
UmI have a green birthmark on my hand.
Say something wrong?! -I disagree with thatWarwick.
You're wrong to disagree! So that square is back in play.
-A black man with green skin! Katy, where would you like to go? Nathan for the win, please.
Of course you would.
I am a qualified architect.
Er For the win! -Disagree.
-You're wrong to disagree! Cross gets that square.
My word.
There we go.
Nathan, have you been checking out the old grid? Is everything in place? I didn't say I was a good architect.
Saj, it's your turn, sir.
Tim Vine for the win.
Right, here we go.
Listen carefully.
When I was nine years old I tamed a wild raven.
I disagree, Warwick.
You're wrong to disagree! Nought gets the square.
My word! It's so long ago I almost believe it's not true myself.
But there was a raven in the hedge in my back garden where we were and my memory is I sort of went (WHISTLES) and he flew over and landed on my finger.
And every day after that I used to go out and go(WHISTLES) and he'd come back.
And after a few months he stopped coming back and I never saw him again.
I have photos to prove it, Saj, in case your expression says you don't believe me.
It's the Antarctic desert all over again.
Katy, it's your turn.
-Bruno Tonioli, please.
Bruno, so this is for the win now.
Let's hear your square essential.
For the win.
I don't like to share a bed with anyone so I always sleep alone.
Vernon! Sometimes a drop of Chanel No.
5 maybe.
There it is, Katy.
I disagree 100%.
She's heard the rumours, Bruno! -What?! -You are wrong to disagree! Cross gets that square.
So, Bruno, why don't you like to share a bed, then? I like my space.
Cos I move a lot.
And I kind of I go sideways, upside-down.
I'm very physical in bed.
Joe, you also sleep alone but that's not out of choice.
I'm lucky enough to have bunk beds.
Saj, your turn.
-The lovely Linda.
Linda Robson.
At last! -Hello, Linda.
-Hello, love.
Let's hear your square essential.
My most treasured possession was a Kit-Kat wrapper Donny Osmond trod on.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Well done.
Right, Katy, your turn.
-Katherine Ryan, please.
Katy, this is for the win now.
-I used to train waitresses for Hooters.
Do you know what Hooters is? -Yes.
I do.
I don't.
I've no idea what it is.
What is it? It's a restaurant where they have really big boobs.
Do they? I am going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! So that square's back in play.
Very tense.
It is true.
I used to train - How do you get trained as a Hooters waitress? What do you have to do? With a whistle.
You train them.
(LAUGHTER) There is genuinely a whistle.
Right, Saj, your turn.
-Katherine Ryan.
-Of course.
Saj, I hate bread.
Bread? Bread.
-Bread.
-I agree, Warwick.
-You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
And wins that game! Plus the bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Katy has ?1.
350.
And Saj has ?800.
Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that takes the raw excitement of noughts and crosses, and adds celebrity.
How are you doing, squares? ALL: Great.
Marvellous.
Linda.
Yes.
It's lovely to see Birds Of A Feather back on our screens.
What was it like reuniting with the cast and doing it all over again? It was just like we'd never been away really.
15 years since it was on TV.
And we weren't quite sure how it was going to go down.
We were worried people wouldn't watch.
But we needn't have worried cos it did really really well.
People seem to love it.
And it's coming back again, love.
Is it? Yes.
Terrific.
Now it's time for game four! (APPLAUSE) Which we like to call square miles.
Hidden out there we have another mystery prize.
If a contestant finds it they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You could be taking in the beauty and history of the city as you explore Heroes Square in Budapest.
You'll stay on the banks of the Danube at the Intercontinental Hotel thanks to our friends at British Airways Holidays.
Lovely place to go.
Now it's time to release the squares! For you at home here is the mystery square.
Right, let's play.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you get to choose first.
Katherine Ryan.
Right, Katherine, if you were going to visit the English Heritage site for the Battle of Hastings, which town would you go to? I know that the Battle of Hastings was between William and Harry.
They went out to a nightclub called Hastings and it really kicked off.
And I know that that happened in - my answer - the town of Hastings.
What do you think about that? I'm going to agree with it.
You're wrong to agree! Nought gets that square.
The Battle of Hastings took place in the town of Battle.
I can't help thinking they were asking for trouble.
Katy.
Vernon Kay, please.
Vernon, in 1997, which rock star became the first you could buy shares in on Wall Street? It's got to be someone big and American.
You know, massive, grand.
Old-school.
Worldwide.
Worldwide.
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen.
The Boss.
Right.
Do you think you can buy shares in Bruce Springsteen? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was David Bowie.
Yes, I knew it! Sorry.
Saj, your turn.
Tim Vine for the block.
Here we go, Tim.
Come on, Saj.
Let's do this.
Come on.
Which Australian soap came first? Neighbours or Home And Away? -Well, that's an interesting question.
I would have thought it was fairly straightforward.
One's on at 1:30 in the afternoon and the other at five.
I'm a big fan of Australia, I have to say.
I said to this bloke, "I've just been to Australia.
" He said, "Who did you fly with?" I said, "I don't know the names of all the other passengers.
" But my memory is really just from watching it myself, Saj.
I've seen Neighbours, I've seen Home And Away so I would guess Neighbours.
I'm gonna agree with him.
For the block.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Katy, please choose a square.
-Linda Robson, please.
Here we go.
Recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary online, what is a selfie? I don't know much about the Oxford English Dictionary.
I'm more of an expert on the Essex English Dictionary.
A selfie is when one takes a picture of oneself with one's phone.
Right.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I agree.
-You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Well done.
Now, Vernon, you and I took a selfie earlier, didn't we? And I've got it here to show everyone.
Fantastic.
I captured your best side in that shot, Vernon.
Saj, it's your turn.
Torn between Nathan Caton and Bruno Tonioli.
I think I'll have Bruno for the block.
Bruno.
Come on.
Graphomania is the obsessive impulse to do what? I think it is the compulsion to scream.
Ooh, right.
What do you think about that? No idea so I'm going to disagree for the block.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
Graphomania is the obsession to write.
I get so many fan letters a year my postman can no longer deliver themI presume.
Right.
Katy, your turn.
Nathan Caton for the win, please.
-There we go, Nathan.
(APPLAUSE) To the closest thousand pounds, approximately how much did the first mobile phone cost in 1983? Er the first mobile phones were quite chunky so I reckon that's got to be about ?3.
000.
I'm going to disagree for the win.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square, wins the game.
Plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
The actual price was ?2.
300.
And 2.
300lb is what it weighed.
But neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Rachel you'd have been playing for that holiday to Budapest.
Now let's have a look at the totals so far.
Katy, you're on ?2.
000, and, Saj, you're on ?900.
Now it's time for game five.
Which we call the double square game.
We're doubling the money for each square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
And for winning the game there's a bonus of ?1.
000.
(APPLAUSE) But beware.
This is a quick-fire game.
So if you should hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
the game is over.
And the contestant with the most squares on the board will win the game and the bonus of ?1.
000.
So, Saj, you get to go first.
Russell Grant.
Russell, what are astronauts called in Russia? In our world it's astronauts, but in the Russian world it's cosmonauts.
Russell says cosmonauts.
I agree, Warwick.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
Katy, your turn.
Joe Wilkinson, please.
Joe.
Longsword, Molly and Rapper are all types of what? Ohhh! Um painting techniques.
-Painting techniques.
Um, I'm going to disagree with that.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets that square.
They are in fact types of Morris dance.
But if a Morris dancer approaches and offers to show you his longsword I'd still recommend running away.
Saj, your turn.
The gorgeous Rachel Riley.
In which UK county would you see a sign for Crapstone? Crapstone? Sounds like a bit of a dump really, doesn't it?! I think we actually had a contestant on Countdown from Crapstone.
And I think he was from Norfolk.
Right, so Rachel thinks Crapstone is in Norfolk.
Sounds confident so I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
Crapstone is in Devon.
Although you won't see the sign any more.
It's now in the front room of a student house in Bristol.
Katy.
Um (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon which means it's the end of the game! (APPLAUSE) So, Katy, you have the most squares on the board which means you get the bonus of ?1.
000.
So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win ?20.
000.
Saj has ?1.
000, but Katy has ?3.
100.
Congratulations, Katy.
You're going through to our final game.
Unfortunately, Saj, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had a good time? Absolutely.
Once in a lifetime.
You'll be taking home ?1,000 so enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
Saj, everyone.
Join us in Part Four when Katy could walk away with ?20.
000.
Don't you go anywhere.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Katy has made it through to our final game Question Line.
Congratulations, Katy, on making it this far.
How do you feel? I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I hope I know some answers to the questions.
How might you spend your winnings this evening? Well, hopefully towards my Jaguar.
If not then probably a nice holiday.
Lovely.
You've got somebody in the audience cheering you on tonight? Alex.
-There he is.
Who is that? -That's my boyfriend.
-Lovely.
OK.
He's right behind you.
We're all rooting for you in the studio.
Thank you.
Good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning.
You have Bruno Tonioli.
Vernon Kay.
And Linda Robson.
And here are their subjects.
Now, Katy, which category would you like? Um let me think about this.
None of them are really that good.
But I don't know too much about Strictly.
Sorry.
And Elvis, that would be for my dad.
Um so er I think I'm going to have to go with Countries.
Countries.
Are you good at Geography? No.
Not at all.
Me too, love.
But I'm better at Geography than I am the other two.
All right, well, good luck.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Linda and family have been holidaying in Cyprus every summer for over 20 years.
I need you to name other countries that also begin with the letter C.
I can only accept countries that are member states of the United Nations.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square will win you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Are you ready? I think so.
Your time starts now.
Croatia.
China.
Chile.
Let me think about this.
Um Let's see.
Um Cyprus.
No.
Can't have Cyprus? -Keep going.
Colombia.
-Yes.
-Um Canada.
-Yes! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Katy.
You managed to light five squares which brings you ?5.
000! Well done.
Very good indeed.
Now here's just a few you could have had.
Central African Republic.
Chad, Cuba.
Cameroon.
I know you said Cyprus but that was in the question.
Other countries.
I thought you was giving me a clue! So let's add that ?5.
000 to the money you've already won which gives you a grand total of ?8.
100! And that's it for tonight.
Thanks to Katy, our celebrity squares - thank you, squares! And of course to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night! Well done.
And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
Let's meet them! He's the fastest pun in the west - it's Tim Vine! We give him ten.
From Strictly Come Dancing, it's Bruno Tonioli.
Everyone's favourite bearded comic - Joe Wilkinson! The astrological Russell Grant.
The best Canadian export since maple syrup, it's the hilarious Katherine Ryan.
From Birds Of A Feather, it's Linda Robson.
Nathan is on - it's comedian Nathan Caton.
A welcome addition, it's Countdown's Rachel Riley.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Vernon Kay! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, squares! ALL: Hello! Great to see you all.
Thanks for being here.
Vernon.
Yes, sir.
You are the host of Family Fortunes.
I am.
Yeah.
If I was to ask you what you're most looking forward to about tonight what would be your top answer? I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to being underneath Rachel Riley! He promised he wanted to be underneath me! He's a liar! Sorry, Bruno.
I apologise.
-I'm gonna leave right now.
All my friends are gonna be so jealous I am underneath What about me next door? Sorry, yeah, of course! Don't forget your neighbours.
Joe, have you ever fancied doing Family Fortunes? Yeah, if you like.
Oh, thanks very much, Joe.
That wasn't convincing.
If you were to come on Family Fortunes who would you bring? Er, I'll be honest with you.
My family have distanced themselves from me for quite a while.
So I presume it would be me and four mannequins.
The squares, everybody! (APPLAUSE) We've met our celebrity squares so now let's meet our contestants.
Representing the noughts we have Katy.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Katy! Hi, I'm Katy.
I'm 23.
I'm a legal secretary and I'm from Essex.
Lovely.
Katy, you say you're a legal secretary.
What does that involve? Um, basically it's the boring stuff nobody wants to do! OK! What do you do in your spare time to give yourself a lift? I like going raving.
Do you? I like partying, yeah.
So I go to Ibiza quite a lot.
Have you seen Bruno over there? Yeah.
No, in Ibiza, not literally! Gonna be a long night.
Thank you.
Katy, great to have you here tonight.
Katy, everyone! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the crosses we have Saj.
Welcome to the show.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hello, Saj! I'm Saj, I'm 45, company director from Berkshire.
So you're a company director.
What company do you direct? For two years I've been in the process of trying to attempt to set up a new business.
It's coming to a high street near you.
Doing what?! I'm getting there! It's a new coffee concept.
The dragons would have kicked you out by now.
It's a new coffee concept.
Something new.
Around indulgent foods: dessert parlours, ice-cream parlours.
Desserts.
So you just go in and literally have a dessert.
Yes.
-You've had dinner somewhere else and think, "Let's go and have a dessert.
" We feel there's a market for it.
What sort of thing? Apple pie? Gelato ice cream.
Trifle? No trifle.
Oh.
Milkshakes.
Lots of waffles.
Everything sweet and sticky.
Thank you very much, Saj.
Our contestants, everyone! (APPLAUSE) So here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, either up and down across like that or diagonally like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision they take that square.
Otherwise it goes to their opponent.
For each square they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
That's the rules.
Let's start with game one! (APPLAUSE) Saj, you won backstage.
So which square would you like to start with? -Tim Rice.
Sorry, Tim Vine! I'll see if he's back there.
Hang on.
Tim, you're on! Now, Tim, you're a comedian.
Bless you for that.
Um what have you been up to this week? It's been an extraordinary week.
Yesterday me and my girlfriend cycled across the desert with our legs exposed.
Tandem? We certainly did! There it is! Come on! Here's your question.
According to research carried out by the University of Arkansas, what does listening to jazz do to your food? You've done the right thing choosing me, Saj, cos I know about jazz instruments and stuff.
I got off a plane the other day and my leg went brr-rr-rr.
Brr-rr-rr! I had deep-vein trombonist.
But I have been in a jazz bar when a meal was served and it did have an effect on my food.
I opened the fizzy drink and it went tsss Tss-tss, tss-tss, tss-tss, tss-tss.
But in all seriousness, Saj, I have no idea so I'm gonna tell you this.
I reckon it maybeI don't know it It makes it last longer.
How about that? It makes the food last longer.
Right.
Saj, you know a bit about food.
He knows about rice (!) Would you? Would you agree or disagree with Tim's answer? Agree.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was making it taste better.
OK, Katy, please choose a square.
Rachel Riley, please.
Yes! Lovely Rachel up there.
You have worked with Joe on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
Do you feel better being further away from him? I didn't recognise him with his hair and suit.
The only time he's worn a suit on Cats Does Countdown he actually wore a wedding dress over the top.
Nice to see.
You scrub up well, Joe.
-Yes, I know! I look incredible! Rachel, here's your question.
From what film is this famous line taken? "A boy's best friend is his mother.
" Joe, have you ever been in a film? Am I best friends with my mum? Yeah.
We go roller-blading.
All right.
I'm guessing it's not Joe.
I do know this one.
I've seen it.
Psycho.
-Do you agree or disagree with that? -Um I'll agree.
-You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Well done.
Over to you, Saj.
Please choose a square.
Nathan Caton for the block.
Nathan, welcome.
You're a stand-up comedian.
Rachel, didn't you judge Nathan once in some sort of talent show? Yeah.
You won, didn't you? No, I came second.
Thanks! I won the heat.
You won the one I was judging.
See, there you go.
That's the one Iwas effective.
Yeah, the heat.
Thank you.
When you do your shows there's a member of your family that hasn't seen you.
Yeah.
My grandma.
I've tried my best to avoid her coming to my gigs because Why's that? She would slap the black off me if she heard my jokes.
When I told her I was doing comedy she was like, "Comedy? You think I come all the way here from Antigua so that 50 years later you could try to be funny?!" OK, here's your question.
Where would you find the smallest bone in the human body? Erm if you're Nick Clegg I would say the spine.
Thinking back to my GCSE science, it's either the foot or the ear.
I am going to go the ear.
The ear? I agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
The smallest bone in the human body is in the ear.
Unless of course you're Gary Lineker.
Katy, please choose a square.
Vernon Kay.
All right, Vernon? Vernon, what part of a beaver never stops growing? The tail.
Tail.
Tail.
UmI don't think that's right.
I think it's their teeth.
So I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was their front teeth.
Adult beavers are around three feet, five stone, and only mate annually.
Hang on, they've stolen my act.
Warwick? I've got a beaver joke.
I said to this bloke, "I bet you can't name a subject I don't have a joke about.
" He said, "Beavers.
" I said, "Damn.
" Saj, please choose a square.
Katherine Ryan.
Katherine Ryan.
-Hello.
"-Funny and attractive.
" That's how I describe myself.
How would you describe YOURself? Lately I've been describing myself as the least convincing Warwick Davis tribute act.
How do you find the British sense of humour versus the Canadian sense of humour? Are they different? It took a while to find the polar bear jokes do not work in Luton.
They just I love it here.
And I will not leave.
No matter how many people vote UKIP.
I'm staying.
So this is for the block.
Here's your question, Katherine.
Who said, "I think everyone should leave Twitter? I think Twitter should be banned from the universe.
" I know a lot of celebrities don't like Twitter.
Ralph Fiennes said it erodes modern language.
Like when your name is Ralph but you pronounce it Rafe.
Um I know this.
I know about celebrities.
It's Miley Cyrus.
I believe she finds the internet to be annoying.
Yeah, Miley Cyrus, it's the internet that's annoying (!) My answer is Miley Cyrus.
-What do you think? Agree or disagree? I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
And successfully blocks.
Yes, Miley Cyrus has tried everything to quit Twitter.
But nothing seems to TWERK.
Katy, please choose a square.
-Russell Grant for the win, please.
Here we go, Russell.
You are an astrologer.
I am! To be honest, Russell, I'm a bit sceptical about astrology.
Typical Aquarius.
But um They're used to gazing up at stars.
Just turn round now.
There you go.
The constellation of Bruno Tonioli.
Could you imagine if you had him rising? Oh, my God! That would give you a fright! Russell, here's the question.
Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow and Clayface are all enemies of whom? This is a great movie, has lots of villains and heroes and I'm gonna go for Batman.
Batman.
UmI've been on holiday to Universal Studios so I should know this.
Um but I thought it was something different.
But he seems really convincing.
SoI'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
And wins that game plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Yes, the Scarecrow is a sinister scrawny figure in shabby clothes.
I'm not sure of his real identity but, Joe, I think Batman wants a word.
AUDIENCE: Awww! Thank you.
Let's see your totals so far.
After the first game Katy has ?650 and Saj has ?100! (APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win our mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that hates to pigeon hole people Oh, hang on.
Before the break we met Katy from Essex and Saj from Berkshire.
Saj, I believe you have an interest in classic cars.
Yes.
I've spent a long labour of love I've just restored an old Mercedes.
Oh, yeah? Did you do it all yourself, all the mechanics? No, I paid someone to do it.
And you just stood there and watched.
Katy, I understand you haven't had a lot of luck with cars, have you? No.
I was thinking if I won some money on the show I wanted to buy a Jaguar.
But I don't think that's a good idea considering I've had five cars in two years.
Why's that? I'm just not very good with cars.
It's not my fault.
But um It's what you tell the insurance company! I accidentally drove about 20 miles with my handbrake on.
And I smelt burning.
What did that do? So that car kind of died.
It killed the car? Yeah.
So I had to get a new car.
That went into the back of a lamppost.
On its own? Didn't work out well.
Yeah, on its own.
It wasn't me.
Lampposts are notorious for coming out of nowhere when you least expect 'em! I need to be careful for those.
The next one I got somebody smashed into it on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
So I didn't have a car.
And I've got my one now which is - touch wood - still going.
If I were you, if you win tonight, forget the Jaguar.
Just get yourself a bus pass.
Seriously.
Right It's time for game two! (APPLAUSE) Which works just like game one except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, then they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
So, it's time to release the squares! For you at home here's who it is.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you get to choose first.
Nathan Caton.
Nathan, here we go, sir.
Here's your question.
True or false? Pirates Of The Caribbean star Johnny Depp owns his own parrot.
I like to think he owns a onesie with scissors as the hands so he can reminisce.
I'd say false.
It sounds too much of a convenience.
That he was in Pirates Of The Caribbean.
I say false.
Right.
Disagree with him.
You're wrong to disagree! So nought gets that square.
I won't let you down, man.
Johnny appeared in my sitcom Life's Too Short.
Which reminds me, I haven't seen him for a while.
We were to go out for a drink but then he changed his email address and lost his phone apparently.
And erI think he's moved house as well recently cos all my letters come back return to sender.
JD, if you're watching, call me.
Please.
OK, Katy.
Please choose a square.
Joe Wilkinson, please.
Here we go, Joe.
You're excited, aren't you? Yes! You haven't won anything.
You've just got to answer a question.
Here we go.
George Clooney is related to which former American President? I'll be honest with you, Clooney's full of it.
He makes things up, always has.
He's a nice fella, I'm sure.
But he's full of it so I don't believe the question.
Next.
You can't do that, Joe.
You can't do that.
This is your question and you have to provide an answer.
WellI make stuff up.
Like Ito impress the er girls I say I'm related to the cast of Birds Of A Feather.
We've got the same facial hair! But I've read he says he's er related to George W Bush.
Right.
So you think George Clooney is related to George W Bush.
Er, yeah.
OK, Katy.
Do you agree or disagree with Joe? Um disagree.
What? You're right to disagree! Nought gets that square.
Well done.
The answer was Abraham Lincoln.
Saj, over to you.
Have to be Vernon Kay for the block.
Come on, Saj! Well done, Saj.
You found that mystery square.
Vernon, from under your desk, please reveal what Saj will be playing for.
Ta-da! Vernon is a big fan of American football.
And if you get this right, Saj, you can be too.
Thanks to our friends at the NFL.
We've two VIP tickets to see the Dallas Cowboys versus the Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium later this year.
(APPLAUSE) What a prize! Right.
So here's the question, Vernon.
What was Essex formerly known as? RACHEL: Careful! With all that bronzing they wear I would say St Tropez but can't be.
Orange County? Watch it! East Middlesex? Something like that? I don't know.
I'm not too good on Essex.
East Middlesex? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Agree or disagree? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! -Saj! Catch! Are you ready?! I'm ready.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, the set! Watch the X! Look at my X, swinging all over the place.
Sorry.
OK.
You were right to disagree.
X gets the square.
And you win the mystery prize! Well done.
The correct answer was East Saxony.
The East Saxons were a fierce warlike people, particularly if they caught you getting off with their boyfriend in the Sugar Hut.
Katy, please choose a square.
Tim Vine, please.
Hello, Katy.
Here we go, Tim.
Come on.
What is Inspector Morse's first name? Ah.
I know this.
Um his first name is bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip, beep.
Um or it's It may beRe.
Remorse.
Which erI regret saying that now.
Do you know what? I'll be honest, Katy.
I didn't used to watch that very much.
So I I can vaguely remember a name from one of the episodes but I'm not absolutely sure it was his name.
I just remember it was a name.
So I'm going for Cornelius.
Do you watch Morse? -No.
I can honestly say I've never watched Morse.
I just know that they call him Morse all the time.
That's not very helpful.
But um.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
Inspector Morse's first name was Endeavour.
Endeavour means to try hard to do something.
As in, "I endeavoured to watch Morse but really couldn't be bothered.
" Saj, please choose a square.
-I'll have Bruno for the block.
-Bruno.
So we know you from Strictly.
What's it going to be like without Brucie? Everybody's going to miss Brucie.
He's a legend, come on.
And I have such a laugh with him.
But I tell you the girls are gonna be wonderful.
They know the show.
We all gonna miss Bruce but you know, you can never replace him.
But by having Tess and Claudia, the story continues, a great happy family.
They'll do a fantastic job.
Lovely.
OK.
Here's your question.
Where will you find the world's largest desert? Why should I find it? I haven't lost it yet! It's a big place, you know? But actually I think I know.
The world's largest desert is Antarctica.
Right.
So Saj, he's not talking about desserts.
Yeah! Largest desert.
Would you agree or disagree it's in Antarctica? I'd completely disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! You don't get that square.
It's back in play.
Because of course to win the line Katy will have to win the square for herself.
OK, Katy, your turn.
Rachel Riley, please.
Katy, can I just ask you, you've played noughts and crosses before? I've got another nought there.
Oh, up there! Doh! I always do this.
I'm looking silly now.
For a change.
Right.
Here's your question, Rachel.
According to a recent study, on what day of the week do women look their oldest? If you think about it logically, when we ARE oldest, on a Sunday, but if you're like me and Katy, you work hard all week.
Before I go Countdowning I'm raving all weekend! So I'd go for Monday.
You think Monday.
Going for Monday.
I think that's quite a good answer because realistically, after a weekend, you do look rough.
You might do, I don't.
So I'm going to agree with Rachel.
You are wrong to agree! Cross gets the square.
Sorry.
In fact, women look oldest on a Wednesday.
Saj, your turn.
It'll have to be Russell Grant for the win.
Fantastic.
Here we go, Russell.
No pressure.
Oh, absolutely.
What type of instrument would you be playing if you were on the sweet potato? This is something you might want to blow if you're having a bit of a mash-up.
I reckon, if you had a set of them, it could be playing the drums.
I'm going to agree with Russell.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was a type of flute.
Katy, choose a square, please.
Bruno Tonioli.
Bruno.
I will try my best to please you, my darling.
Thank you.
So this is for the win now.
In what sport is Judd Trump a professional player? Come on, Bruno.
Judd Trump? Is it Donald Trump's stupid brother? I have no idea.
I know nothing about sport.
It could be any sport that has ever been played.
Bruno.
I'm gonna send it to you.
Give it to me.
You got it.
Badminton! I didn't say that! I don't think he sounds much like a badminton player.
I'm going to disagree, please.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
And the game! Plus a bonus of ?500.
Congratulations, Katy.
Well done.
The correct answer was snooker.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Katy, you've won ?1.
300.
and Saj ?150.
(APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game three! Which we've called Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Contestants will agree or disagree if they think they're telling the truth, or if they're telling a porky.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you pick first.
Joe Wilkinson.
Took you by surprise, didn't we, Joe? Yes! I was having a little daydream.
Can we please hear your square essential? I once had to shave my beard off after I got chewing gum stuck in it.
Seeing you on TV on a regular basis, Joe, it's probably true.
Agree.
You are wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
So, Joe, have you ever got anything stuck in that beard of yours? Er, yeah.
Loads of stuff.
I use it to my advantage.
I leave things in there.
Sort of storage.
I've got a Toblerone for later.
OK, Katy, please choose a square.
Russell Grant, please.
OK, Russell, let's hear your square essential.
I once performed at a Bar Mitzvah with Barbra Streisand.
I'm going to agree with that.
You're wrong to agree! Cross gets the square.
Could be, couldn't it?! Saj, please choose a square.
Rachel Riley.
In every room of my house I've got a little bonsai tree.
Disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
Well done, Saj.
Ah, the bonsai tree.
The Warwick Davis of the tree world! Katy, over to you.
Vernon Kay for the block, please.
For the block! My karaoke track is Combine Harvester by the Wurzels.
I disagree with that.
How dare you? You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
And the block.
-She's good.
Vernon, do you have a karaoke song that you like to do? It's always Help by The Beatles.
Help, I need somebody.
Not just anybody.
Right, Saj, over to you, please.
-Nathan Caton.
-This is for the block.
UmI have a green birthmark on my hand.
Say something wrong?! -I disagree with thatWarwick.
You're wrong to disagree! So that square is back in play.
-A black man with green skin! Katy, where would you like to go? Nathan for the win, please.
Of course you would.
I am a qualified architect.
Er For the win! -Disagree.
-You're wrong to disagree! Cross gets that square.
My word.
There we go.
Nathan, have you been checking out the old grid? Is everything in place? I didn't say I was a good architect.
Saj, it's your turn, sir.
Tim Vine for the win.
Right, here we go.
Listen carefully.
When I was nine years old I tamed a wild raven.
I disagree, Warwick.
You're wrong to disagree! Nought gets the square.
My word! It's so long ago I almost believe it's not true myself.
But there was a raven in the hedge in my back garden where we were and my memory is I sort of went (WHISTLES) and he flew over and landed on my finger.
And every day after that I used to go out and go(WHISTLES) and he'd come back.
And after a few months he stopped coming back and I never saw him again.
I have photos to prove it, Saj, in case your expression says you don't believe me.
It's the Antarctic desert all over again.
Katy, it's your turn.
-Bruno Tonioli, please.
Bruno, so this is for the win now.
Let's hear your square essential.
For the win.
I don't like to share a bed with anyone so I always sleep alone.
Vernon! Sometimes a drop of Chanel No.
5 maybe.
There it is, Katy.
I disagree 100%.
She's heard the rumours, Bruno! -What?! -You are wrong to disagree! Cross gets that square.
So, Bruno, why don't you like to share a bed, then? I like my space.
Cos I move a lot.
And I kind of I go sideways, upside-down.
I'm very physical in bed.
Joe, you also sleep alone but that's not out of choice.
I'm lucky enough to have bunk beds.
Saj, your turn.
-The lovely Linda.
Linda Robson.
At last! -Hello, Linda.
-Hello, love.
Let's hear your square essential.
My most treasured possession was a Kit-Kat wrapper Donny Osmond trod on.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Well done.
Right, Katy, your turn.
-Katherine Ryan, please.
Katy, this is for the win now.
-I used to train waitresses for Hooters.
Do you know what Hooters is? -Yes.
I do.
I don't.
I've no idea what it is.
What is it? It's a restaurant where they have really big boobs.
Do they? I am going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! So that square's back in play.
Very tense.
It is true.
I used to train - How do you get trained as a Hooters waitress? What do you have to do? With a whistle.
You train them.
(LAUGHTER) There is genuinely a whistle.
Right, Saj, your turn.
-Katherine Ryan.
-Of course.
Saj, I hate bread.
Bread? Bread.
-Bread.
-I agree, Warwick.
-You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
And wins that game! Plus the bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Katy has ?1.
350.
And Saj has ?800.
Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that takes the raw excitement of noughts and crosses, and adds celebrity.
How are you doing, squares? ALL: Great.
Marvellous.
Linda.
Yes.
It's lovely to see Birds Of A Feather back on our screens.
What was it like reuniting with the cast and doing it all over again? It was just like we'd never been away really.
15 years since it was on TV.
And we weren't quite sure how it was going to go down.
We were worried people wouldn't watch.
But we needn't have worried cos it did really really well.
People seem to love it.
And it's coming back again, love.
Is it? Yes.
Terrific.
Now it's time for game four! (APPLAUSE) Which we like to call square miles.
Hidden out there we have another mystery prize.
If a contestant finds it they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You could be taking in the beauty and history of the city as you explore Heroes Square in Budapest.
You'll stay on the banks of the Danube at the Intercontinental Hotel thanks to our friends at British Airways Holidays.
Lovely place to go.
Now it's time to release the squares! For you at home here is the mystery square.
Right, let's play.
Saj, you're playing catch-up so you get to choose first.
Katherine Ryan.
Right, Katherine, if you were going to visit the English Heritage site for the Battle of Hastings, which town would you go to? I know that the Battle of Hastings was between William and Harry.
They went out to a nightclub called Hastings and it really kicked off.
And I know that that happened in - my answer - the town of Hastings.
What do you think about that? I'm going to agree with it.
You're wrong to agree! Nought gets that square.
The Battle of Hastings took place in the town of Battle.
I can't help thinking they were asking for trouble.
Katy.
Vernon Kay, please.
Vernon, in 1997, which rock star became the first you could buy shares in on Wall Street? It's got to be someone big and American.
You know, massive, grand.
Old-school.
Worldwide.
Worldwide.
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen.
The Boss.
Right.
Do you think you can buy shares in Bruce Springsteen? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was David Bowie.
Yes, I knew it! Sorry.
Saj, your turn.
Tim Vine for the block.
Here we go, Tim.
Come on, Saj.
Let's do this.
Come on.
Which Australian soap came first? Neighbours or Home And Away? -Well, that's an interesting question.
I would have thought it was fairly straightforward.
One's on at 1:30 in the afternoon and the other at five.
I'm a big fan of Australia, I have to say.
I said to this bloke, "I've just been to Australia.
" He said, "Who did you fly with?" I said, "I don't know the names of all the other passengers.
" But my memory is really just from watching it myself, Saj.
I've seen Neighbours, I've seen Home And Away so I would guess Neighbours.
I'm gonna agree with him.
For the block.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Katy, please choose a square.
-Linda Robson, please.
Here we go.
Recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary online, what is a selfie? I don't know much about the Oxford English Dictionary.
I'm more of an expert on the Essex English Dictionary.
A selfie is when one takes a picture of oneself with one's phone.
Right.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I agree.
-You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
Well done.
Now, Vernon, you and I took a selfie earlier, didn't we? And I've got it here to show everyone.
Fantastic.
I captured your best side in that shot, Vernon.
Saj, it's your turn.
Torn between Nathan Caton and Bruno Tonioli.
I think I'll have Bruno for the block.
Bruno.
Come on.
Graphomania is the obsessive impulse to do what? I think it is the compulsion to scream.
Ooh, right.
What do you think about that? No idea so I'm going to disagree for the block.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
Graphomania is the obsession to write.
I get so many fan letters a year my postman can no longer deliver themI presume.
Right.
Katy, your turn.
Nathan Caton for the win, please.
-There we go, Nathan.
(APPLAUSE) To the closest thousand pounds, approximately how much did the first mobile phone cost in 1983? Er the first mobile phones were quite chunky so I reckon that's got to be about ?3.
000.
I'm going to disagree for the win.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square, wins the game.
Plus a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
The actual price was ?2.
300.
And 2.
300lb is what it weighed.
But neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Rachel you'd have been playing for that holiday to Budapest.
Now let's have a look at the totals so far.
Katy, you're on ?2.
000, and, Saj, you're on ?900.
Now it's time for game five.
Which we call the double square game.
We're doubling the money for each square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
And for winning the game there's a bonus of ?1.
000.
(APPLAUSE) But beware.
This is a quick-fire game.
So if you should hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
the game is over.
And the contestant with the most squares on the board will win the game and the bonus of ?1.
000.
So, Saj, you get to go first.
Russell Grant.
Russell, what are astronauts called in Russia? In our world it's astronauts, but in the Russian world it's cosmonauts.
Russell says cosmonauts.
I agree, Warwick.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
Katy, your turn.
Joe Wilkinson, please.
Joe.
Longsword, Molly and Rapper are all types of what? Ohhh! Um painting techniques.
-Painting techniques.
Um, I'm going to disagree with that.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets that square.
They are in fact types of Morris dance.
But if a Morris dancer approaches and offers to show you his longsword I'd still recommend running away.
Saj, your turn.
The gorgeous Rachel Riley.
In which UK county would you see a sign for Crapstone? Crapstone? Sounds like a bit of a dump really, doesn't it?! I think we actually had a contestant on Countdown from Crapstone.
And I think he was from Norfolk.
Right, so Rachel thinks Crapstone is in Norfolk.
Sounds confident so I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree! Nought gets the square.
Crapstone is in Devon.
Although you won't see the sign any more.
It's now in the front room of a student house in Bristol.
Katy.
Um (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon which means it's the end of the game! (APPLAUSE) So, Katy, you have the most squares on the board which means you get the bonus of ?1.
000.
So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win ?20.
000.
Saj has ?1.
000, but Katy has ?3.
100.
Congratulations, Katy.
You're going through to our final game.
Unfortunately, Saj, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had a good time? Absolutely.
Once in a lifetime.
You'll be taking home ?1,000 so enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
Saj, everyone.
Join us in Part Four when Katy could walk away with ?20.
000.
Don't you go anywhere.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Katy has made it through to our final game Question Line.
Congratulations, Katy, on making it this far.
How do you feel? I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I hope I know some answers to the questions.
How might you spend your winnings this evening? Well, hopefully towards my Jaguar.
If not then probably a nice holiday.
Lovely.
You've got somebody in the audience cheering you on tonight? Alex.
-There he is.
Who is that? -That's my boyfriend.
-Lovely.
OK.
He's right behind you.
We're all rooting for you in the studio.
Thank you.
Good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning.
You have Bruno Tonioli.
Vernon Kay.
And Linda Robson.
And here are their subjects.
Now, Katy, which category would you like? Um let me think about this.
None of them are really that good.
But I don't know too much about Strictly.
Sorry.
And Elvis, that would be for my dad.
Um so er I think I'm going to have to go with Countries.
Countries.
Are you good at Geography? No.
Not at all.
Me too, love.
But I'm better at Geography than I am the other two.
All right, well, good luck.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Linda and family have been holidaying in Cyprus every summer for over 20 years.
I need you to name other countries that also begin with the letter C.
I can only accept countries that are member states of the United Nations.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square will win you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Are you ready? I think so.
Your time starts now.
Croatia.
China.
Chile.
Let me think about this.
Um Let's see.
Um Cyprus.
No.
Can't have Cyprus? -Keep going.
Colombia.
-Yes.
-Um Canada.
-Yes! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Katy.
You managed to light five squares which brings you ?5.
000! Well done.
Very good indeed.
Now here's just a few you could have had.
Central African Republic.
Chad, Cuba.
Cameroon.
I know you said Cyprus but that was in the question.
Other countries.
I thought you was giving me a clue! So let's add that ?5.
000 to the money you've already won which gives you a grand total of ?8.
100! And that's it for tonight.
Thanks to Katy, our celebrity squares - thank you, squares! And of course to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night! Well done.
And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.