Champions (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Vincemas
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
When I said I wanted this place to be campier, this isn't what I meant.
We're just preparing for our family's greatest tradition BOTH: The Cook Family Camping Trip to the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area.
- [LAUGHS.]
- A family camping trip? BOTH: To the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area.
We've doing it as long as I can remember.
- Yeah.
- Well, not the whole family.
- Mom always refused to go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Later we found out she was using that time to have an affair.
Anyway, we thought it'd be great for us, since this is how we bonded with our dad.
It was the one time he told me he loved me.
I saved his beers from a flash flood.
And out in the woods, there's actual skills that I can pass on to you, since there's no point in me teaching you how to take off a girl's bra.
You ask her to do it.
Cool! A whole weekend with no privacy and no cell phone reception.
It's good to face your fears.
Now go ahead and roll up your sleeve.
I think it's best if we just get the rabies shot done in advance.
Yeah.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the world champions! Yo, check this out.
- Guys, it's here! It is finally here.
I just saw Matthew hook himself with a fishing line.
You know what that means! ALL: It's Vincemas! Ahh! Vincemas? [SOFT LAUGH.]
Is someone going to explain this to me, or is this gonna be another one of those office mysteries that I have to figure out? Like, "Why is there an old gun in the kitchen freezer?" Every year, Vince and Matthew go camping, and with Nurse Ratched gone, the inmates go in-sane-ey-ane! [ECSTATIC GIGGLING.]
I'm more confused.
We call it Vincemas, or Vince-madan It's Vincemas.
Irregardless, it's the one day of the year we get to celebrate all the things Vince won't let us: holidays, birthdays, and my funeral for the Oscars after "La La Land" -gate.
When I tried to celebrate Selena Gomez's birthday, Vince called it ludicrous.
And then he called my party for Ludacris' birthday stupid.
For one weekend, we follow Ruby's rules.
Rule number one, there are no rules.
Rule number two, ignore rule number one.
Rule number three! No drunk driving.
- Seriously.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess if I can bring my boyfriend, Asher, it could be fun.
He always does The Worm.
- Always.
- No! No Asher! The Worm is my thing.
ALL: Vincemas! - Vincemas, Vincemas - Vincemas.
Vincemas.
- Vincemas - Whoop! Okay, so while we're camping, I need you to run a tight ship.
And this year, I made you a check list.
You're welcome.
Listen, do not worry about a thing.
You just go have fun on your camping trip.
Nothing's more important than straight white men taking a break from a world stacked against them.
Vince, I don't know if we should go.
What? No.
- You you have to go.
- Yeah.
You're too poor for any other kind of vacation.
I know, but I'm getting the sense that Michael might not want to do this.
I saw him Googling "gay-friendly circuses to run away with.
" This trip's important And he's gonna love it once he hears the ghost story I'ma tell.
- It could straight up be a "Grimm.
" - It could straight up be a "Grimm.
" Yeah, I don't know.
Listen, maybe Michael would be more excited if if he if he could bring a friend.
- Bring a friend.
- Yeah.
- Wait - That's a great idea.
- Yes! - Friends make everything better! Uh Yeah! I'm supposed to bond with Michael on this trip but if bringing a friend helps him enjoy it, that could work.
Makes my s'mores distribution kind of a nightmare, but, uh I guess that's parenting, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I just don't know if I'm the camping type.
You know, with my size and skin tone, it would be very easy for a wolf to make me its Mowgli.
Well, wait till you hear this cool idea.
What if you brought a friend along? Just tell him you wanna pitch a tent together.
Wait No.
I I can't bring a friend.
How would I pick just one? You know [CHUCKLES.]
I don't need to be someone's "13th Reason Why.
" Oh, come on! They'll get over it.
With four, you can play chicken or - Br-br-bridge! - Please.
Please, I'm not gonna pick a friend.
Fine.
Screw it.
Bring all of 'em.
Okay, look.
I can't bring a friend because I don't really have any.
Wait, but you just said Oh! Oh [SOMBER MUSIC.]
What do you mean you don't have any friends? What about Roger or Mimi or Angel? Those are all from "Rent.
" I do talk about them a lot, I guess.
How could you not have any friends? You're cool; you have incredible style; you say all your opinions in a rude voice.
- Yeah.
- Look, I don't know, okay? I just growing up in Ohio, I didn't get along with the other kids.
I didn't do sports, like the jocks, - or opioids, like the farm kids.
- Yeah.
And I guess I just got used to entertaining myself.
Well, guess what? You are in luck, because if there's one thing I can teach you, it's how to become popular in high school.
You were popular in high school? Oh, like the way Carrie was prom queen? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Vince was the real deal.
He was voted most likely to peak in high school, and he did.
One of my many peaks.
I'm a mountain range.
Anyway, this is just another skill I can pass on to you.
Wow, okay.
Lay it on me.
I am the Elphaba to your Glinda.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
- The Luke to your Yoda? - Nerd.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, the way to become popular in high school is Be yourself.
That worked for me.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, but yourself is ridiculously handsome and athletic.
I'm only ridiculously handsome.
Well, my freshman year, I was shorter than you, covered in pimples.
Had to use prescription deodorant so strong, coroners use it on dead bodies.
So, like you, I needed to find a way in.
And at our school, the cool kids were the senior varsity baseball players.
So that's when you started playing baseball? No.
That's when I started stealing dip from the store and giving it to the baseball players.
Sometimes, they even let me chew it - after they chewed it.
- That's disgusting.
Look, the point is, if you wanna be popular, you gotta find the cool kids and do the work.
Yes, I got Hepatitis B from chewing spit-out dip, but I also got Hepatitis F, friendship, and that is incurable.
[SLOW, DYNAMIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yeah, right.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Nice sweater.
- [SCOFFS.]
Hey, what's up? Do you guys mind if I sit with you? I'm sorry.
"Guys"? So we're just assigning genders willy-nilly now, are we? Some people at this table are trans, okay? Not me.
I identify as a guy.
But you didn't know that.
O okay.
I'm s I'm sorry.
I didn't okay.
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.]
Hey, can I sit with you? I'm really quiet, unless you're talking about - something I have an opinion on.
- We're the Indian students club: "Indian Students in School.
" - I'm Arjun.
- "ISIS"? We pronounce it "Izz-izz.
" I was gonna invite you to join us earlier, but because of your coloring, we really weren't sure if you were Indian or something else.
Oh, well, you're in luck.
I'm Indian.
Well, half-Indian.
Ooh, exotic! What's the other half? I hope it's not Brazilian.
We can't compete with that.
Look at those guys.
Nope, half-Indian, half-boring old white guy.
Well then, pull up, have a chair.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
I got three kegs of Horny Nun IPA.
Mmm sorry, we're a gym.
- Why would we order beer? - Just keep pedaling.
I will sign for those.
Ruby, why do you need all those beer kegs? We've been through this.
Beer does not hydrate you.
Um I actually ordered those for a new Donkey Kong workout.
Yeah, these are the barrels you jump over.
Hm.
Sounds plausible.
And fun.
But where's the giant hammer? Okay, okay! I was lying.
Is somebody gonna sign for these? The truth is, we have a cathartic and slightly mean-spirited party called Vincemas every year when you go camping.
Vincemas? Is that like "Vince mas" in Spanish? 'Cause that sounds like you want more Vince.
No, like Christmas, when we get to have fun without our demanding boss.
Wait, what? Look, I know Vince can be a demanding boss, but is it really that bad? He signed that birthday card we passed around.
He signed it, "Get back to work.
" Vincemas is basically our version of a shore leave.
We blow off steam, get drunk, - and maybe spend the night in the tank.
- I'm gonna go.
I gotta pick my girlfriend's kid up from the lisp doctor.
Oh, no-no-no, come on Dude, come on.
Fine, sign for the beers.
Thank you! I owe you one.
Hey, okay, but promise you're gonna make fun of me as well as Vince.
My face is too symmetrical.
Maybe start with that.
Okay.
Ah, yeah! Vince! Vince! Your advice worked.
I have successfully made friends! - Oh, nice! - Nice! I knew my old tricks would still work.
Next, I'm gonna teach you the guitar chords for "Stairway" So, who are these kids? Actually, they're all in the Indian students club.
- All right! - Oh, nice.
All right.
So that's that's like a cultural club or something? I'm only asking because, you know, back in my day, cool kids were athletes, burn-outs, this one kid who kept getting struck by lightning.
Oh, um, well, I'm not sure if they're cool, but they're nice.
And for the first time in my life, I'm learning about Indian culture.
Did you know Nepal is a real place? It's India's attic, where they store the Dalai Lama.
I think it's so important you're learning who you are.
It will be nice for an actual Indian musician to appropriate our culture for once.
- Hmm.
- Yeah yeah! I I agree I agree, but you don't wanna limit yourself, okay? You wanna play the field.
Indian kids, right? - Then breakfast club, swim team.
- Swim team? Oh, I can't wear goggles.
It's impossible to give side-eye.
But if you really think I should keep looking, - I guess I can.
- Yeah, I just want you to have the same crazy high school experience that I did, you know? Minus the child out of wedlock.
No offense.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey.
Don't you want to sit with us? Oh, sorry, we just met.
I didn't wanna seem too thirsty.
[GIGGLES.]
Yesterday, you bought us all chewing tobacco.
Yeah, look, sorry about that.
It was stupid.
My dad just really wants me to be popular like he was, and I thought I should try to sit with the cool kids, not just the Indian kids.
- Um - Oh, wow.
That's not stupid at all.
Dude, that's racist.
No, to be fair, I think he's more ignorant than racist.
He thinks Ramadan is a hotel chain.
I think it's sad that you're being encouraged to deny half of who you are.
I've never thought about it like that.
But you're right.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
My house is whiter than a Williams Sonoma.
If I wanna hang out with Indian kids, they're like, "Oh, no!" But if I wanna eat unseasoned turkey burgers, they're like, "Thumbs up.
" The whitest things you can do with your hands.
" Yeah, next thing they'll probably wanna take you camping.
Oh, my God.
I cannot even! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Tell me you booked the site from last year.
Dude, you know it! How good is this turkey burger? - Dude! - [LAUGHS.]
- Mmm.
- Hey, what's the matter? Do you not like your turkey burger? Is it too spicy? I knew I shouldn't have used salt.
Remember those Indian kids you forbade me to befriend? Well, they opened my eyes up to the whitewashing that's happening in my own home.
You're both culturally insensitive.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[MUFFLED BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY.]
Okay, we've gotta get a big banner - with Vince's face on it.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Hey, guys, you're never gonna believe what Michael accused me of last night.
Wearing the same jeans for too long between washes? We've all noticed.
He said I was culturally insensitive.
That's crazy, right? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Well Well, you did spend my entire first week here trying to figure out if I was Muslim or not.
No, I didn't.
What? No.
I wanted to know why you didn't eat bacon.
You know, I love Muslims.
It's the vegetarians I don't trust.
Look, truth be told, when I wanted to take Columbus Day off to celebrate my Italian roots, you you laughed right in my face.
Come on, in New York, Italian's not an ethnicity.
- It's, like, normal.
- [GROANS.]
You just called Italian normal, like everyone else isn't normal.
Am I not normal, Vince? Okay, no-no-no, for for one thing, it's a whole different system for hot girls.
- Whoa.
Man.
- That's not really Okay, look, guys, I just wanted him to have the best time possible in high school, like I did.
Now he's really upset, so maybe I should just cancel the camping trip.
Whoa-whoa, whoa, whoa, cancel What? What? What? - Cancel the trip? - Yeah.
No one's calling you a racist.
They're just saying you're being insensitive, like a like a patriotic grandparent.
I mean, we dated.
Would a racist person date me? Or Michael's mother, Priya? You're not racist; you're a fetishist.
- Exactly.
- Perfect.
- What? - Shabaz, do you have anything encouraging to say? - Not really.
- I just think you do.
- Come on.
- Look.
All white guys are a little bit insensitive.
- [SCOFFS.]
- But it's not your fault.
You've been brainwashed by the white-run media.
And it's not just them.
It's the government; it's school systems.
In some ways, you're the real victim.
You get it, Shabaz.
Actually, I think it would be culturally insensitive - if you didn't go.
- Yeah.
Cool! Well then, uh, camping trip back on.
[ALL CHEER.]
- Thank you.
- All right, bye! Don't come back until you've texted us first.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
- Okay, all right.
- All right, disco ball All right, grab Michael, then let's hit the road.
I don't wanna get stuck with the campsite next to the outhouse again.
Right.
Hey, I bet those are Michael's new friends that think I'm a creep.
I want to clear my name.
I'm a good guy.
I gotta go talk to 'em.
Or you could stay here because they don't like you.
Uh I'll be right back.
What's up, guys? I'm Michael's dad, and I just want to clear the air.
I think it's super cool that.
Michael's hanging out with you guys.
I just don't want him to miss out on a more diverse group of friends like I had in high school.
Sorry, we're not diverse? Yeah, but, you know, Indian people do pretty good in society, so it's almost like you're not a minority, you know, 'cause so many of you are so rich.
So, because our parents do well, it's like we're practically white? So sorry, that that came out wrong, okay? Trust me, I'm super woke.
Here's what's up.
A lot of your parents are doctors and stuff, right? And when you think of minorities, you think, like, poor.
Okay, this conversation is becoming a hate crime.
For what it's worth, I think Indian women are beautiful.
"Top Chef" lady, "Quantico," Princess Jasmine hottest cartoon.
- Uh, hey.
What's up, buddy? - You need to leave.
This is the most offensive thing to happen at this school since our homecoming queen was a straight blonde girl.
Okay, well, let's go.
Car's packed and ready for the camping trip.
I'm not going on your stupid camping trip.
The Indian Students in School are having a party tonight.
I'm going to that.
Let's go, guys.
[SLOW, DYNAMIC MUSIC.]
I can't believe you ruined the only cool tradition our family had.
Dad must be swirling in his urn! Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't think I could possibly feel any worse.
I'm gonna go put this stuff in the gym.
Vincemas.
Uh, wait! Don't go in the gym! And finally, let's give a toast for Vince for not being here and shutting this down, like, "Everyone get back to work.
Fun is illegal.
Heil Hitler.
" [LAUGHS.]
[PLAYFUL HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Vincemas! You guys are celebrating the fact that I'm not here? No-no-no, it's like, um like "Vince mas.
" It's Spanish for "more Vince," which is what we got.
- Our wish came true.
- Oh, Dana? Thank God.
Someone with some sense.
Probably about to shut all this down, right? I was, Vince.
I swear to God I was.
And and then, I got onboard to be cool.
- Sure.
- I am so disappointed.
To treat your boss this way? On Vincemas? [SCOFFS.]
Shame.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Michael, you came.
No whites allowed.
I love it.
We're just glad you ditched that cracker fest at home to join us.
Why are you all so dressed up? [GASPS.]
Is it the Bollywood Oscars? Or Gandhi's birthday? I know so little about Indian culture.
Don't worry.
Tonight, we're doing the most time-honored Indian tradition: exploring trendy nightclubs in Downtown Manhattan! With our parents' Amexes! Oh! Clubbing.
Oh, that's that's great.
Tonight, DJ Tanner is spinning, so we are going to cut it up.
Oh! Well well, I'm not dressed for that.
This outfit is Jim Belushi for Kmart.
Oh, that's okay.
We got gel for days.
Plus, you can borrow my baby bro's True Religion jeans.
They're mad flared.
Mm.
Yay.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Streamers and banners? This is a waste of money not to mention the impact on the environment.
- Is this a piñata of my head? - [SIGHS.]
Okay, this is not fair.
I'm not some no-fun, taskmaster boss, right? No! - Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
No.
It's not it's not that you are those things.
It's that you act like them and are perceived as them.
Okay, no, I'm a fun boss, all right? I put a bowl of Jolly Ranchers by the front desk! That's fun! The Jolly Ranchers are great.
All right? They're great! But we have no parties, no costumes.
You wouldn't even let me wear a Hawaiian shirt to work.
That's because I don't want people to think this is a Trader Joe's.
See? That's no fun! [GROANS.]
Look, all I'm saying is that the people that work here think of Champions as a family, even if you don't.
And one of the things families do is make fun of Dad.
Are you the mom in this scenario? Yes.
Maybe just consider being a little bit more laidback.
I was gonna tell you that over a campfire, but guess that's not gonna happen.
Nope.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna treat myself to a Horny Nun.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, dude.
Yes! What do you think? I love it.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
- Just one more thing.
[PERFUME BOTTLE HISSING.]
All right, the limo is outside, and Steve Aoki is pumping.
Let's do a shot and head out.
Here you go.
Oh, and I got tonight all covered.
Just Venmo me 500 bucks.
Cool? Yeah yeah, no, so cool.
Definitely cool.
I'm just gonna run upstairs to the bathroom and re-gel before we head out.
Ah, good idea.
I was gonna say something.
Just use the whole container.
This isn't as fun with Vince in his office hating us.
Okay, okay.
To prove that I am a chill, laid-back boss, I'm going to let you have your stupid Vincemas.
- [EXCITED CHATTER.]
- Really? Wow.
And I am going to give you guys [EXHALES.]
60 bucks for pizza.
- Aww.
- [WARM CHATTER.]
Vince, man, I'm really, really sorry.
- Thank you.
- But pizza's, like, 200 bucks if we're gonna get premium toppings.
[MUTTERS.]
Oh, my God, you gotta be kidding me.
Okay, okay.
Fine.
But have fun, get it out of your systems, because next year, I'm coming to Vincemas, and no one will enjoy that.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
[ALL MURMURING.]
All right.
- Vincemas! - Vincemas! - Vincey-Vincey-Vince - Vincemas! [GENTLE MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, why aren't you at the Indian cultural party? It turns out it wasn't an Indian party after all.
It was just a cover to get drunk and go clubbing.
Wait, uh these kids sound cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, they are.
And I wasn't okay with that.
- I'm sorry you have a lame son.
- Oh, you're lame? Let me ask you a question: Did they create a holiday to celebrate your lameness? Hmm, so I'm guessing you heard about Vincemas.
Damn it! Everyone knew? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, well then I guess you also know I am not the one to talk to about making friends, because apparently, I'm not an expert on the subject.
You know, for what it's worth, I don't think you're culturally insensitive.
Though it was nice to hang out with some kids who could teach me about myself.
Until today, I thought the Taj Mahal - was a fancy shopping mall.
- [LAUGHS.]
Right.
No, it's a casino.
And I'm sorry I didn't want you hanging out with those kids.
You know, I was just so busy trying to bond with you over things I like, I didn't think about what you might like.
I mean, even though I don't love the idea of camping and you don't love the idea of learning about anything, maybe we could create a new family tradition together? All right, yeah.
Cool.
Uh [GASPS.]
What about: father-son laser tag? I only use lasers for hair removal.
Okay, fine.
You got any ideas? All right, Michael, welcome to BOTH: The First Annual Cook-Patel.
Family Camp Bollywood Movie Night and Dinner! [CHUCKLES.]
Be sure to check out the s'morsas.
The potato works really well with the marshmallow.
Texturally.
Taste-wise, it's bad.
- Yeah.
- I love it.
Yeah, camping is more fun than I thought.
Maybe next year, we could do it at a Four Seasons? Mm, maybe next year, you could like baseball.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, definitely not.
When I said I wanted this place to be campier, this isn't what I meant.
We're just preparing for our family's greatest tradition BOTH: The Cook Family Camping Trip to the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area.
- [LAUGHS.]
- A family camping trip? BOTH: To the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area.
We've doing it as long as I can remember.
- Yeah.
- Well, not the whole family.
- Mom always refused to go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Later we found out she was using that time to have an affair.
Anyway, we thought it'd be great for us, since this is how we bonded with our dad.
It was the one time he told me he loved me.
I saved his beers from a flash flood.
And out in the woods, there's actual skills that I can pass on to you, since there's no point in me teaching you how to take off a girl's bra.
You ask her to do it.
Cool! A whole weekend with no privacy and no cell phone reception.
It's good to face your fears.
Now go ahead and roll up your sleeve.
I think it's best if we just get the rabies shot done in advance.
Yeah.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the world champions! Yo, check this out.
- Guys, it's here! It is finally here.
I just saw Matthew hook himself with a fishing line.
You know what that means! ALL: It's Vincemas! Ahh! Vincemas? [SOFT LAUGH.]
Is someone going to explain this to me, or is this gonna be another one of those office mysteries that I have to figure out? Like, "Why is there an old gun in the kitchen freezer?" Every year, Vince and Matthew go camping, and with Nurse Ratched gone, the inmates go in-sane-ey-ane! [ECSTATIC GIGGLING.]
I'm more confused.
We call it Vincemas, or Vince-madan It's Vincemas.
Irregardless, it's the one day of the year we get to celebrate all the things Vince won't let us: holidays, birthdays, and my funeral for the Oscars after "La La Land" -gate.
When I tried to celebrate Selena Gomez's birthday, Vince called it ludicrous.
And then he called my party for Ludacris' birthday stupid.
For one weekend, we follow Ruby's rules.
Rule number one, there are no rules.
Rule number two, ignore rule number one.
Rule number three! No drunk driving.
- Seriously.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess if I can bring my boyfriend, Asher, it could be fun.
He always does The Worm.
- Always.
- No! No Asher! The Worm is my thing.
ALL: Vincemas! - Vincemas, Vincemas - Vincemas.
Vincemas.
- Vincemas - Whoop! Okay, so while we're camping, I need you to run a tight ship.
And this year, I made you a check list.
You're welcome.
Listen, do not worry about a thing.
You just go have fun on your camping trip.
Nothing's more important than straight white men taking a break from a world stacked against them.
Vince, I don't know if we should go.
What? No.
- You you have to go.
- Yeah.
You're too poor for any other kind of vacation.
I know, but I'm getting the sense that Michael might not want to do this.
I saw him Googling "gay-friendly circuses to run away with.
" This trip's important And he's gonna love it once he hears the ghost story I'ma tell.
- It could straight up be a "Grimm.
" - It could straight up be a "Grimm.
" Yeah, I don't know.
Listen, maybe Michael would be more excited if if he if he could bring a friend.
- Bring a friend.
- Yeah.
- Wait - That's a great idea.
- Yes! - Friends make everything better! Uh Yeah! I'm supposed to bond with Michael on this trip but if bringing a friend helps him enjoy it, that could work.
Makes my s'mores distribution kind of a nightmare, but, uh I guess that's parenting, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I just don't know if I'm the camping type.
You know, with my size and skin tone, it would be very easy for a wolf to make me its Mowgli.
Well, wait till you hear this cool idea.
What if you brought a friend along? Just tell him you wanna pitch a tent together.
Wait No.
I I can't bring a friend.
How would I pick just one? You know [CHUCKLES.]
I don't need to be someone's "13th Reason Why.
" Oh, come on! They'll get over it.
With four, you can play chicken or - Br-br-bridge! - Please.
Please, I'm not gonna pick a friend.
Fine.
Screw it.
Bring all of 'em.
Okay, look.
I can't bring a friend because I don't really have any.
Wait, but you just said Oh! Oh [SOMBER MUSIC.]
What do you mean you don't have any friends? What about Roger or Mimi or Angel? Those are all from "Rent.
" I do talk about them a lot, I guess.
How could you not have any friends? You're cool; you have incredible style; you say all your opinions in a rude voice.
- Yeah.
- Look, I don't know, okay? I just growing up in Ohio, I didn't get along with the other kids.
I didn't do sports, like the jocks, - or opioids, like the farm kids.
- Yeah.
And I guess I just got used to entertaining myself.
Well, guess what? You are in luck, because if there's one thing I can teach you, it's how to become popular in high school.
You were popular in high school? Oh, like the way Carrie was prom queen? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Vince was the real deal.
He was voted most likely to peak in high school, and he did.
One of my many peaks.
I'm a mountain range.
Anyway, this is just another skill I can pass on to you.
Wow, okay.
Lay it on me.
I am the Elphaba to your Glinda.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
- The Luke to your Yoda? - Nerd.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, the way to become popular in high school is Be yourself.
That worked for me.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, but yourself is ridiculously handsome and athletic.
I'm only ridiculously handsome.
Well, my freshman year, I was shorter than you, covered in pimples.
Had to use prescription deodorant so strong, coroners use it on dead bodies.
So, like you, I needed to find a way in.
And at our school, the cool kids were the senior varsity baseball players.
So that's when you started playing baseball? No.
That's when I started stealing dip from the store and giving it to the baseball players.
Sometimes, they even let me chew it - after they chewed it.
- That's disgusting.
Look, the point is, if you wanna be popular, you gotta find the cool kids and do the work.
Yes, I got Hepatitis B from chewing spit-out dip, but I also got Hepatitis F, friendship, and that is incurable.
[SLOW, DYNAMIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yeah, right.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Nice sweater.
- [SCOFFS.]
Hey, what's up? Do you guys mind if I sit with you? I'm sorry.
"Guys"? So we're just assigning genders willy-nilly now, are we? Some people at this table are trans, okay? Not me.
I identify as a guy.
But you didn't know that.
O okay.
I'm s I'm sorry.
I didn't okay.
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.]
Hey, can I sit with you? I'm really quiet, unless you're talking about - something I have an opinion on.
- We're the Indian students club: "Indian Students in School.
" - I'm Arjun.
- "ISIS"? We pronounce it "Izz-izz.
" I was gonna invite you to join us earlier, but because of your coloring, we really weren't sure if you were Indian or something else.
Oh, well, you're in luck.
I'm Indian.
Well, half-Indian.
Ooh, exotic! What's the other half? I hope it's not Brazilian.
We can't compete with that.
Look at those guys.
Nope, half-Indian, half-boring old white guy.
Well then, pull up, have a chair.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
I got three kegs of Horny Nun IPA.
Mmm sorry, we're a gym.
- Why would we order beer? - Just keep pedaling.
I will sign for those.
Ruby, why do you need all those beer kegs? We've been through this.
Beer does not hydrate you.
Um I actually ordered those for a new Donkey Kong workout.
Yeah, these are the barrels you jump over.
Hm.
Sounds plausible.
And fun.
But where's the giant hammer? Okay, okay! I was lying.
Is somebody gonna sign for these? The truth is, we have a cathartic and slightly mean-spirited party called Vincemas every year when you go camping.
Vincemas? Is that like "Vince mas" in Spanish? 'Cause that sounds like you want more Vince.
No, like Christmas, when we get to have fun without our demanding boss.
Wait, what? Look, I know Vince can be a demanding boss, but is it really that bad? He signed that birthday card we passed around.
He signed it, "Get back to work.
" Vincemas is basically our version of a shore leave.
We blow off steam, get drunk, - and maybe spend the night in the tank.
- I'm gonna go.
I gotta pick my girlfriend's kid up from the lisp doctor.
Oh, no-no-no, come on Dude, come on.
Fine, sign for the beers.
Thank you! I owe you one.
Hey, okay, but promise you're gonna make fun of me as well as Vince.
My face is too symmetrical.
Maybe start with that.
Okay.
Ah, yeah! Vince! Vince! Your advice worked.
I have successfully made friends! - Oh, nice! - Nice! I knew my old tricks would still work.
Next, I'm gonna teach you the guitar chords for "Stairway" So, who are these kids? Actually, they're all in the Indian students club.
- All right! - Oh, nice.
All right.
So that's that's like a cultural club or something? I'm only asking because, you know, back in my day, cool kids were athletes, burn-outs, this one kid who kept getting struck by lightning.
Oh, um, well, I'm not sure if they're cool, but they're nice.
And for the first time in my life, I'm learning about Indian culture.
Did you know Nepal is a real place? It's India's attic, where they store the Dalai Lama.
I think it's so important you're learning who you are.
It will be nice for an actual Indian musician to appropriate our culture for once.
- Hmm.
- Yeah yeah! I I agree I agree, but you don't wanna limit yourself, okay? You wanna play the field.
Indian kids, right? - Then breakfast club, swim team.
- Swim team? Oh, I can't wear goggles.
It's impossible to give side-eye.
But if you really think I should keep looking, - I guess I can.
- Yeah, I just want you to have the same crazy high school experience that I did, you know? Minus the child out of wedlock.
No offense.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey.
Don't you want to sit with us? Oh, sorry, we just met.
I didn't wanna seem too thirsty.
[GIGGLES.]
Yesterday, you bought us all chewing tobacco.
Yeah, look, sorry about that.
It was stupid.
My dad just really wants me to be popular like he was, and I thought I should try to sit with the cool kids, not just the Indian kids.
- Um - Oh, wow.
That's not stupid at all.
Dude, that's racist.
No, to be fair, I think he's more ignorant than racist.
He thinks Ramadan is a hotel chain.
I think it's sad that you're being encouraged to deny half of who you are.
I've never thought about it like that.
But you're right.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
My house is whiter than a Williams Sonoma.
If I wanna hang out with Indian kids, they're like, "Oh, no!" But if I wanna eat unseasoned turkey burgers, they're like, "Thumbs up.
" The whitest things you can do with your hands.
" Yeah, next thing they'll probably wanna take you camping.
Oh, my God.
I cannot even! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Tell me you booked the site from last year.
Dude, you know it! How good is this turkey burger? - Dude! - [LAUGHS.]
- Mmm.
- Hey, what's the matter? Do you not like your turkey burger? Is it too spicy? I knew I shouldn't have used salt.
Remember those Indian kids you forbade me to befriend? Well, they opened my eyes up to the whitewashing that's happening in my own home.
You're both culturally insensitive.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[MUFFLED BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY.]
Okay, we've gotta get a big banner - with Vince's face on it.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Hey, guys, you're never gonna believe what Michael accused me of last night.
Wearing the same jeans for too long between washes? We've all noticed.
He said I was culturally insensitive.
That's crazy, right? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Well Well, you did spend my entire first week here trying to figure out if I was Muslim or not.
No, I didn't.
What? No.
I wanted to know why you didn't eat bacon.
You know, I love Muslims.
It's the vegetarians I don't trust.
Look, truth be told, when I wanted to take Columbus Day off to celebrate my Italian roots, you you laughed right in my face.
Come on, in New York, Italian's not an ethnicity.
- It's, like, normal.
- [GROANS.]
You just called Italian normal, like everyone else isn't normal.
Am I not normal, Vince? Okay, no-no-no, for for one thing, it's a whole different system for hot girls.
- Whoa.
Man.
- That's not really Okay, look, guys, I just wanted him to have the best time possible in high school, like I did.
Now he's really upset, so maybe I should just cancel the camping trip.
Whoa-whoa, whoa, whoa, cancel What? What? What? - Cancel the trip? - Yeah.
No one's calling you a racist.
They're just saying you're being insensitive, like a like a patriotic grandparent.
I mean, we dated.
Would a racist person date me? Or Michael's mother, Priya? You're not racist; you're a fetishist.
- Exactly.
- Perfect.
- What? - Shabaz, do you have anything encouraging to say? - Not really.
- I just think you do.
- Come on.
- Look.
All white guys are a little bit insensitive.
- [SCOFFS.]
- But it's not your fault.
You've been brainwashed by the white-run media.
And it's not just them.
It's the government; it's school systems.
In some ways, you're the real victim.
You get it, Shabaz.
Actually, I think it would be culturally insensitive - if you didn't go.
- Yeah.
Cool! Well then, uh, camping trip back on.
[ALL CHEER.]
- Thank you.
- All right, bye! Don't come back until you've texted us first.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
- Okay, all right.
- All right, disco ball All right, grab Michael, then let's hit the road.
I don't wanna get stuck with the campsite next to the outhouse again.
Right.
Hey, I bet those are Michael's new friends that think I'm a creep.
I want to clear my name.
I'm a good guy.
I gotta go talk to 'em.
Or you could stay here because they don't like you.
Uh I'll be right back.
What's up, guys? I'm Michael's dad, and I just want to clear the air.
I think it's super cool that.
Michael's hanging out with you guys.
I just don't want him to miss out on a more diverse group of friends like I had in high school.
Sorry, we're not diverse? Yeah, but, you know, Indian people do pretty good in society, so it's almost like you're not a minority, you know, 'cause so many of you are so rich.
So, because our parents do well, it's like we're practically white? So sorry, that that came out wrong, okay? Trust me, I'm super woke.
Here's what's up.
A lot of your parents are doctors and stuff, right? And when you think of minorities, you think, like, poor.
Okay, this conversation is becoming a hate crime.
For what it's worth, I think Indian women are beautiful.
"Top Chef" lady, "Quantico," Princess Jasmine hottest cartoon.
- Uh, hey.
What's up, buddy? - You need to leave.
This is the most offensive thing to happen at this school since our homecoming queen was a straight blonde girl.
Okay, well, let's go.
Car's packed and ready for the camping trip.
I'm not going on your stupid camping trip.
The Indian Students in School are having a party tonight.
I'm going to that.
Let's go, guys.
[SLOW, DYNAMIC MUSIC.]
I can't believe you ruined the only cool tradition our family had.
Dad must be swirling in his urn! Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't think I could possibly feel any worse.
I'm gonna go put this stuff in the gym.
Vincemas.
Uh, wait! Don't go in the gym! And finally, let's give a toast for Vince for not being here and shutting this down, like, "Everyone get back to work.
Fun is illegal.
Heil Hitler.
" [LAUGHS.]
[PLAYFUL HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Vincemas! You guys are celebrating the fact that I'm not here? No-no-no, it's like, um like "Vince mas.
" It's Spanish for "more Vince," which is what we got.
- Our wish came true.
- Oh, Dana? Thank God.
Someone with some sense.
Probably about to shut all this down, right? I was, Vince.
I swear to God I was.
And and then, I got onboard to be cool.
- Sure.
- I am so disappointed.
To treat your boss this way? On Vincemas? [SCOFFS.]
Shame.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Michael, you came.
No whites allowed.
I love it.
We're just glad you ditched that cracker fest at home to join us.
Why are you all so dressed up? [GASPS.]
Is it the Bollywood Oscars? Or Gandhi's birthday? I know so little about Indian culture.
Don't worry.
Tonight, we're doing the most time-honored Indian tradition: exploring trendy nightclubs in Downtown Manhattan! With our parents' Amexes! Oh! Clubbing.
Oh, that's that's great.
Tonight, DJ Tanner is spinning, so we are going to cut it up.
Oh! Well well, I'm not dressed for that.
This outfit is Jim Belushi for Kmart.
Oh, that's okay.
We got gel for days.
Plus, you can borrow my baby bro's True Religion jeans.
They're mad flared.
Mm.
Yay.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Streamers and banners? This is a waste of money not to mention the impact on the environment.
- Is this a piñata of my head? - [SIGHS.]
Okay, this is not fair.
I'm not some no-fun, taskmaster boss, right? No! - Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
No.
It's not it's not that you are those things.
It's that you act like them and are perceived as them.
Okay, no, I'm a fun boss, all right? I put a bowl of Jolly Ranchers by the front desk! That's fun! The Jolly Ranchers are great.
All right? They're great! But we have no parties, no costumes.
You wouldn't even let me wear a Hawaiian shirt to work.
That's because I don't want people to think this is a Trader Joe's.
See? That's no fun! [GROANS.]
Look, all I'm saying is that the people that work here think of Champions as a family, even if you don't.
And one of the things families do is make fun of Dad.
Are you the mom in this scenario? Yes.
Maybe just consider being a little bit more laidback.
I was gonna tell you that over a campfire, but guess that's not gonna happen.
Nope.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna treat myself to a Horny Nun.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, dude.
Yes! What do you think? I love it.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
- Just one more thing.
[PERFUME BOTTLE HISSING.]
All right, the limo is outside, and Steve Aoki is pumping.
Let's do a shot and head out.
Here you go.
Oh, and I got tonight all covered.
Just Venmo me 500 bucks.
Cool? Yeah yeah, no, so cool.
Definitely cool.
I'm just gonna run upstairs to the bathroom and re-gel before we head out.
Ah, good idea.
I was gonna say something.
Just use the whole container.
This isn't as fun with Vince in his office hating us.
Okay, okay.
To prove that I am a chill, laid-back boss, I'm going to let you have your stupid Vincemas.
- [EXCITED CHATTER.]
- Really? Wow.
And I am going to give you guys [EXHALES.]
60 bucks for pizza.
- Aww.
- [WARM CHATTER.]
Vince, man, I'm really, really sorry.
- Thank you.
- But pizza's, like, 200 bucks if we're gonna get premium toppings.
[MUTTERS.]
Oh, my God, you gotta be kidding me.
Okay, okay.
Fine.
But have fun, get it out of your systems, because next year, I'm coming to Vincemas, and no one will enjoy that.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
[ALL MURMURING.]
All right.
- Vincemas! - Vincemas! - Vincey-Vincey-Vince - Vincemas! [GENTLE MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, why aren't you at the Indian cultural party? It turns out it wasn't an Indian party after all.
It was just a cover to get drunk and go clubbing.
Wait, uh these kids sound cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, they are.
And I wasn't okay with that.
- I'm sorry you have a lame son.
- Oh, you're lame? Let me ask you a question: Did they create a holiday to celebrate your lameness? Hmm, so I'm guessing you heard about Vincemas.
Damn it! Everyone knew? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, well then I guess you also know I am not the one to talk to about making friends, because apparently, I'm not an expert on the subject.
You know, for what it's worth, I don't think you're culturally insensitive.
Though it was nice to hang out with some kids who could teach me about myself.
Until today, I thought the Taj Mahal - was a fancy shopping mall.
- [LAUGHS.]
Right.
No, it's a casino.
And I'm sorry I didn't want you hanging out with those kids.
You know, I was just so busy trying to bond with you over things I like, I didn't think about what you might like.
I mean, even though I don't love the idea of camping and you don't love the idea of learning about anything, maybe we could create a new family tradition together? All right, yeah.
Cool.
Uh [GASPS.]
What about: father-son laser tag? I only use lasers for hair removal.
Okay, fine.
You got any ideas? All right, Michael, welcome to BOTH: The First Annual Cook-Patel.
Family Camp Bollywood Movie Night and Dinner! [CHUCKLES.]
Be sure to check out the s'morsas.
The potato works really well with the marshmallow.
Texturally.
Taste-wise, it's bad.
- Yeah.
- I love it.
Yeah, camping is more fun than I thought.
Maybe next year, we could do it at a Four Seasons? Mm, maybe next year, you could like baseball.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, definitely not.