Chelmsford 123 (1988) s01e05 Episode Script

You know, Gargamadua, I am a very lucky man.
Look at me.
I'm young, attractive.
I'm with the most beautiful girl in the whole wide Chelmsford area.
And I live in the lap of luxury.
I bet you couldn't name one person who's better off than I am.
- Aulus Paulinus.
- You see? That great Roman tosspot? Name me one thing that he's got that I haven't got.
Nice villa, underfloor heating, lovely clothes, good manners, a toilet.
All right, I said one thing.
I tell you one thing you've got that he hasn't got.
- What's that? - Me.
For a night of mad, passionate lovemaking.
That's true, my love.
And that night is tomorrow night.
- Badvoc! - Sorry.
Business before pleasure.
- Duty calls.
- What duty's that? Leading my tribe.
Yeah, leading them to Wossers tavern then leading them to the bar and leading them in drinking songs, that's the only leading you do.
Chelmsford is a dangerous place.
It's a jungle out there.
People being attacked, houses being looted, women being molested.
Only on the nights you're out leading your tribe.
Look, supposing Mungo were to come in now with news of a vicious knife fight at Wossers tavern.
- I'd have to respond.
- Mungo comes in here every night, saying, "Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern quickly, there's been a knife fight.
" It's code for "Let's go and get pissed.
" - Rubbish.
- Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern! - Why? - Well, I thought we'd get pissed.
I hate to disappoint you, gentlemen, but I'm afraid your leader is staying at home to make passionate love to me.
Oh.
Fair enough.
We'll pop back in, what, ten minutes? - Shouldn't take that long.
- Out.
Mungo, I've told you before, don't bring that into the house.
Leave him outside with the other animals.
Gargamadua, you're very lucky I'm not witty.
Otherwise I'd come back with a really cutting remark.
Huh! Sorry, lads.
Keep in touch.
I'll make sure you don't regret this, Badvoc.
Tonight, my love, wild horses wouldn't drag me away from you.
Right, read out what we've got so far.
"Dear Caesar.
" That's it.
I don't like the "dear" much.
I'm not mad about "Caesar" either.
Start again.
Caesar, nothing has happened here in the past two months.
Yours, Aulus.
You can't put that in an imperial report.
Nothing has happened here recently.
Name me one thing of interest that's happened here recently.
- Badvoc has been kidnapped! - He said of interest.
This is serious, Aulus.
Gargamadua found a note pinned to his door.
"Badvoc is prisoner of the Triconi, the fiercest tribe in Britain.
Follow our instructions and do as you are told if you want to see him alive again.
" Well, that's simple.
Nobody wants to see him alive again, do they? The man who would succeed Badvoc as tribal leader is even more anti-Roman than Badvoc.
He is fervently committed to getting all Romans off British soil.
Aren't we all? His sword drips with the blood of a thousand Romans.
He wants to get a bit of rag, that should do the trick.
You may laugh, Aulus.
Suffice it to say that this man's nickname is the Hammer of the Romans.
- And his real name? - Cecil.
Aulus, believe me, I know these people.
All right, Functio, we'll organise a search party.
You sober up the generals and get them back in here.
Well, poor old Badvoc.
Mm.
Poor old kidnappers.
Badvoc, you are prisoner of the Triconi.
The fiercest tribe in all Britain.
Never heard of them! We hope your Roman allies will accede to our demands or we will slowly peel your skin off, carve your flesh and boil your bones in oil! (Both laugh) I see.
Having friends round for dinner, are you? - Silence! - Umph! Oo-ah! Oo-ah! Oo-ah! Ah, Aulus.
Keeping fit, are we? No, just brushing up my technique for the next orgy.
- The witnesses to the kidnap are here.
- Ah, good.
Send them in.
Oh, it's you two.
Apparently you saw Badvoc minutes before his kidnapping.
- Could have.
- Yeah.
Did you notice anything unusual about him? Well, he was sober.
Anything else? Blag? Well, he didn't look like a bloke that was about to be kidnapped.
Not to me, anyway.
But then I wasn't really looking, was I? - No.
- No.
Thank you, gentlemen.
You were a very great help, thank you.
Hang on, I just remembered something.
What? Supposed to pick up some bread for my mum.
Good! Thank you.
Gargamadua! I'm sorry.
Please.
(Sobs) This must be a very distressing time for you.
Yes.
But I can't authorise a search party until we're sure this kidnap is authentic.
Not some elaborate hoax, you understand? So please, look at this note carefully.
Could Badvoc have written this note? - No! - I see.
He can't write! Right.
Please, Gargamadua, don't worry.
Until Badvoc is found you can stay here in the villa under my personal protection.
Oh, thank you, Governor! How can I ever repay you? Thank you! Aulus, I am your conscience.
And I say you must put aside these wicked thoughts, do your duty and look for Badvoc.
I suppose you're right.
Yes.
Aulus, I'm your real conscience.
Do yourself a favour.
Forget Badvoc.
He wouldn't come looking for you.
Besides, if he doesn't come back, little Gargamadua will be all on her own.
True, true.
Yes.
Don't listen to him, Aulus.
Go on, Aulus, you know you fancy her.
I wouldn't go quite that far.
Look at those lovely lips.
Those beautiful eyes.
Those perfect breasts.
That lovely silk-like skin.
Whoa! Don't forget her bottom.
Oh! Yeah.
Those legs! Phwoar! Lovely legs.
Oh, they're gorgeous.
Oh, I wish I wasn't so good.
Stop it, the pair of you.
Just go away! I know exactly what I must do.
Gentlemen, I have decided there is only one course of action I can possibly take.
We will begin to search for Badvoc immediately after you come back from the month's leave I've just decided to give you.
Oi, listen! Dumping me in a barrel of shit doesn't bother me, you know.
I've been to Ipswich on market day.
You better watch out.
My friend Aulus Paulinus the governor will be after you pretty sharpish.
He's probably got his generals together now.
He's probably scouring the countryside at this very moment.
Mm! Lovely! Bit more salt, I think.
MAN: Aulus! Come in! (Functio sniggers) Something amusing you, Functio? Sorry.
(Laughs) That's all.
I've got a very important guest coming.
- I'll let you get changed.
(Laughs) - Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, very funny, Functio! You're so provincial.
This is all the rage in Rome.
- They call it the Persian look.
- But in Persia the women wear it! Ha ha ha ha! Out! What's he laughing at? - Oh! - I Aulus, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
Where did you get that? I've got the only two in Britain.
(Laughs) I'm wearing one and the other one's in that cupboard there.
Where no one could get it unless Badvoc came in and stole it and gave it to you.
Badvoc! - Is there any news of Badvoc? - Hmm? Oh! Oh yes, yes, oh yes.
Only this morning I briefed the generals as to our course of action.
But Gargamadua, tonight you must forget all about Badvoc.
You must not worry about Badvoc.
Come.
Sit down.
I invited you here to take your mind off things.
- Oh, erm Music? - Lovely.
(Laughs) (Whispers) Music.
Music! (Band begins to play) - Wine? - Thank you.
It's a little Macedonian number I had sent over.
I think I think you'll amused by its nose.
- That was lovely.
- Good! Poetry! Yes, of course.
Gargamadua, you strike me as a woman who would respond to the finer things in life.
(Burps) Yes.
Catullus.
What? One of our finest Roman love poets.
I'm sure you'll like him.
"My heart is like a sparrow Imprisone-ed in his cage Waiting for his mistress To come And fill up the thimble attached to one of the bars With sea.
" Well, it loses a lot in translation, obviously.
Er You see, in the Latin there's a clever use of the dative case.
Gargamadua, I know you are Ionely, but so am I.
Hundreds of miles away from Rome, from my family, my friends.
I have a wife, it's true, but she doesn't understand me.
And here in Britain I'm a stranger in a strange land with no shoulder to cry on.
Yes, Gargamadua.
I know that Ioneliness can be a very Ionely thing.
Oh, you poor boy! Right, that does it! I'm going to count to ten and then you've had it.
One, two, three, four Right, I'll give you one more chance.
I'm going to count to four and then you've had it.
Right? One, two, three, four.
Argh! Right, you're under arrest.
Quietly now.
No funny business.
Shut up! I wouldn't like to be in your shoes when Aulus gets here.
He's probably getting ready as we speak.
He's probably on the job at this very moment.
Oh! Venio! Venio! Back, men, back! No, we need him alive! - Argh! - Stay! Stay! Argh! Argh! Please, please, please.
I can't keep this up any longer.
We've got to.
We're the fiercest tribe in Britain.
I know but we're not, are we? We're not even a tribe.
There's only two of us.
Don't go on, I'm getting one of my migraines.
I've had my nervous stomach for the past three days.
He's so aggressive.
This is nice, what is it? Mm, it's one of my own, actually.
It's an acorn infusion.
With just a touch of mint.
I'm warning you, Triconi! Thank God he's tied up.
You did tie him up, didn't you? Oh, yes, yes.
I'm not very good at knots but I did one of my bows.
- Did you hide that big sword of his? - Oh, yes.
I hid it under a pile of our swords.
- He'll never find it.
- Good, good, good.
- He's very fierce, isn't he? - Brutal.
If he found out we weren't a real tribe of warriors, I wonder how he'd feel? Acutely embarrassed.
No, no, not the face.
This is the first time in my life I have been less than delighted to get my hands on a pair of tits.
- It was his idea.
- No, it was yours.
Shut up! Shut up.
I only hope you asked for a lot of money.
No, we didn't ask for any money.
We wanted a place to worship the sun and the moon.
Somewhere where we could be at one with nature and talk to the trees.
Marvellous.
Kidnapped by religious nutters with no business sense.
- Suppose you're vegetarians an' all? - Oh no, we're from Colchester.
Look, I've got an idea.
We send Aulus another ransom note demanding 100 bags of gold, which we split down the middle.
75 for me, 25 for you.
Why do we only get 25 bags? Well, there's two of you.
Oh, right.
"All we want is a quiet place to worship the sun and moon and a few trees to talk to.
" What, no demands for money? No.
A bunch of religious nutters with no business sense.
It's essential we get Badvoc back as soon as possible.
Good God, why? If we don't the streets of Chelmsford will run with blood.
Make a change from sewage.
To say nothing of the mischiefs the Icini tribe might cause.
And then there's the gossip.
What gossip? Aulus, you know I never listen to such nonsense.
But my wife is on the streets every day.
I'm sorry to here that, Functio.
- Shopping.
- Oh, sorry.
- And chatting.
- Ah.
And the word is that Aulus will not try to find Badvoc because because Because Because you're poking Gargamadua.
- Gargamadua and I are just friends.
- They've only done it once.
And I have the greatest of respect for her.
And she won't let him any more.
Remind me to kill you one day, Grasientus.
If that's all, thank you.
I'm late for a very important meeting.
I want to talk to you.
I've got to go to a very important meeting.
Gentlemen, please.
I do apologise for keeping you waiting.
Affairs of state, et cetera.
- I want to talk.
- I'm busy.
Now, gentlemen, what are we going to do about the Icini? Bugger the Icini.
That's certainly one possibility we haven't explored.
I want to talk about us! - What? - You and me.
Yes, I know what "us" means.
Oh, I get the picture.
Just cos I won't come across with the goods you've lost interest in me.
What was it you said as you were taking my clothes off? Er, "It's not just sex, it's a meeting of kindred souls.
" - Ha! (Laughs nervously) I don't think the generals are interested in our petty squabbles, Gargamadua.
Well, Aulus Paulinus, I don't mind being just a quick bonk.
But I didn't realise it was going to be that quick.
(Laughs) It wasn't that quick, actually.
There are two men here with a note from the kidnappers.
Ah! Ah Come on, hand it over.
Do you know, I've forgotten where I put it.
Somewhere where Where would that be? Where no one would ever think of looking.
I know, down my bracchi.
My mum's bread.
Spare shoe.
My kipper.
There we are.
Ugh! (Coughs) "P.
S.
On top of all the other stuff bung us 100 bags of gold an' all.
" I think they've given us a vital clue.
Gentlemen, let us go and find Badvoc.
Is there anything else you want? Erm There is actually but I think it's something I better do outside.
- What was that? - What? That noise.
Sounded like the clanking of armour.
Don't be silly.
Probably just the cat.
The cat doesn't wear armour! There it is again.
It's nothing.
You're so twitchy.
Yeah, sorry.
What's got into you tonight? Argh! I think it's a Roman dagger.
Sorry.
It's the last time I listen to you.
Now the only problem I foresee is Aulus.
He might not cough up.
He's a tight-fisted bastard, that Aulus.
Unlike this Aulus who of course is a very fine fellow.
- Hello, Badvoc.
- Aulus.
You've met erm and killed Neville - and Crispin? - Yeah.
You didn't give them any ransom money, any 100 bags of gold? - No.
No.
- No.
Good! - Cos we must not give in to terrorism.
- Quite.
Hawthorn quiche? I must say, Aulus, it was very clever of you to find Badvoc.
What was the clue on the ransom note? Well Oh, I see.
They used headed notepaper.
Well, Aulus, it is good to be back.
But there is one little matter I'd like to clear up.
And er what's that? Well, the whisper on the street is that Gargamadua, my beloved honey pot, was given protection here in the villa during my absence.
It was the least we could do, Badvoc.
I'm very grateful.
It's just that I hear that the er protection may have been a bit over zealous.
Apparently her every little need was catered for.
Yes, some not so little.
Suffice it to say that if I find out who it was who was a bit too thorough with his protection, I'll have his bollocks for earrings.
Yes, they'd suit you, Badvoc.
Badvoc, please.
I am an honourable man, as I know you are.
And I think you owe me some gratitude for securing your release so allow me to say this.
When a beautiful woman comes to a man seeking comfort in her Ioneliness, it is very difficult for that man, even an honourable man, if his blood be red, to refuse her blandishments.
And therefore you must forgive that man's weakness.
For I believe you already know the person who took the favours from your woman is seated here before you.
And so I confess that that man is none other than my brother-in-law Grasientus.