Chewing Gum (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 I used to think you might not actually find the one, say if you've got, I don't know, an ugly side or psoriasis, and that is why I settled for my ex, Ronald.
To think, I was actually going to take you as a wife.
Yeah, I settled for a guy who 100% might be gay.
This programme contains strong language, adult humour, nudity and scenes which may cause offence But luckily, I escaped, and I found the love of my My mum's coming, get away from me.
Hey, Mummy.
Yeah, definitely lucky with this one.
I mean, Ronald was always concerned about my hygiene, wanting to go to these posh functions, but my boy Connor - he's an amazing poet.
Yeah, I mean, he doesn't care about my hygiene, he doesn't want to go to all these posh functions - I mean, he doesn't care about anything.
Yeah.
I mean, I got a man who don't even want to leave the house.
He's just happy licking me out and playing on his, um, his thing.
So, yeah, it is great.
Fucking Argh! What's funny? Tracy! Sorry, it's just my cousin.
Who's your cousin? Um, Tracy.
Tracey? That's your name.
N, he's Boy Tracy.
Let me see.
Here you are.
Last Christmas.
I'm playing Warcraft tonight, can't come mine till tomorrow.
Yeah, I can't tomorrow anyway, my mum's been bugging me about some family dinner.
Don't forget dinner.
Oh, my gosh, yes, OK! I'm in.
Relax.
Hi.
Get down.
Help yourself to some bullets! Thank you.
Don't walk over there, don't walk over there! Sorry There is a bad smell coming from the back of the shop.
Welcome to Deathsville - population, you.
Shoot you in the head! Connor? Hello.
Did you flush the toilet? Yeah, I promise.
Connor, you're not supposed to flush the toilet cos there's a sewage block.
How am I supposed to know? Because the sign is there on the door.
It's overflowing now.
You know you've got shit on your shoes? Yeah, yeah.
Guess I'll go buy a mop.
Oh, can you buy me a kebab? It's tingling.
Is it in date? 'Course it is.
Better fucking be in date.
'Course it is.
Urgh, bruv, you stink.
What the fuck is that, man? Connor done one of his horrendous number twos down the shop toilet and burst the sewage thing.
How can one man make so much mess? I - practically covered in his doo doo - have got to go and buy a new mop to clean up his mess.
It's every day, there is something like that everyday.
Ah, you're there.
What, where? The rut.
Get stuck in, sit yourself down.
You're definitely going to get in a rut with him, babe.
He's a bit You know.
No, what? Just a bit Mmm, you know.
YeahI hear you, doll.
Trace, he is a bit Can someone finish their sentence with words? He's a bit dopey.
Bit boring.
Lifeless.
No soul.
I just meant he was a bum, but all of that too.
No wonder you're keeping him secret from your mum.
He's a poet.
Mmm.
Nah.
Well I'll believe it when I see it.
It's the metamorphosis.
Butterfly clips.
Equals resourcefulness.
Hair follicles.
Grit with forcefulness.
If my boyfriend wants to be all I ain't going to sit there like a dumbass and let him act like a fool, I'm going to fix him.
You can call me Morpheus.
What's that on his head? I don't know.
Who are all these people? They are definitely people that are not boring, dumb or lifeless.
Oh, my God, that is Ronald, my ex-boyfriend, with a man.
I do hereby confirm the fact that he might possibly be gay.
OK, so the next poet that's going to grace this stage is Connor Jones from Tower Hamlets! Connor Jones? Tower Hamlets? Surprise! He's here, he's here.
Er, what the fuck? Hey, go on, smash it.
I believe in you.
Come on.
Go on.
This is one of my poems I don't like sleazy Stacey, cos sleazy Stacey's face's not as nice as chocolate Trac-ey.
Chocolate Tracey.
I could spot those goggly eyes from anywhere.
His first time? I don't know how you knew I was coming here, but It doesn't matter.
OK, it probably does matter I don't like you no more.
Whatever.
Sheep can't fly, cos they, they ain't got wings.
I'm going to be more than a friend to you.
Sheep can't fly cos they ain't got wings.
He is as bad as your body odour.
Just piss off.
Have they stopped running hot water through the council estates? You're a dick.
You smell like poo poo.
Yes, I know! I have to go.
I've left myjuice at the bar.
It's the universe that's alarmed Like a superstar lost a credit card.
I just got parred.
Fuck you lot, yeah? You're fucking mental, Tracey! Oh, so now he's texting.
You know when you just can't be assed to read some lame arse apology? Are you going to help me, or are you going to just stand there? I'm gluten, wheat and meat free.
She ain't any of them things.
Why are we even doing this? Ah-ah Why not? You must learn to cook a meal before a man of God will sweep you under the carpet! Off your feet, Mum, it's "sweep you off your feet".
Hey, hey.
Shut up andseason the meat.
# If you threw a party, invited everyone you knew # You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached You told me drop by sometime so I dropped by, innit? Boy Tracy! He ran off the stage.
If I knew he'd hate I wouldn't have done it.
Wouldn't an actual poet be happy? Yeah, but I feel bad.
You can't read the mind.
Yes, and I can't know the heart.
Boy Tracy, here is like Downton Abbey.
Let the women do the kitchen work.
OK, Auntie.
Really I was just giving Tracey advice about her boyf Argh.
Why don't we go shop? Yeah, let's go shop.
How has she not found out about him? I know.
Connor lives in your block.
Yeah, but she don't talk to Muslims, she don't talk to Catholics, she don't talk to atheists, basically the whole block, so What about you, man? I don't ask you nothing.
No girlfriend.
But I've had sex now.
Yeah I stopped going church.
Me too.
Boof! Boof! I've illegally downloaded movies.
Go.
I stripped naked for my ex and he threw me out the house.
Go.
Ronald? Is he gay? Maybe.
Go.
I've smoked weed.
Go.
I had MDMA and speed at the same time.
Go.
That's a lot.
Did you recover? I dunno.
I fingered a girl in my mum's room, while she was sleeping.
My MUM was sleeping.
Oh! My favourite cuz, ain't seen you in a while You are the best, you make me smile We got a vibe and we proper get down When you leave I'll definitely frown, oh! My cuz Tracey is so damn fly Cynthia's weird and she ain't said hi She's been telling lies since she was five She said she's meat free but she just had shepherd's pie.
Oh.
Nice to see my blood relatives Everybody loves and everybody gives You were upset cos your man's a dick But you turned negative into positive.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Booo! Booo! Ludo! You always win.
I hate playing this game with Cynthia, it's so boring, but when I play with you, cuz, I swear down it's Oh, wow, I'm still here.
I was six, and you was four.
What? You lay on top of me and kissed me on the lips.
Since then I've thought about that moment more times than I've inhaled.
I really like you.
I want you to see mesee me as more than a friend, more than a cousin.
I want you to see me as someone who you can grow old with, make you smile and laugh and squirt.
My mum and my sister are downstairs.
Sometimes you just gotta take the plunge, innit? I'm sorry, who are you talking to?! 'Tracey.
Your dinner's ready.
' Just put your clothes on.
Take your clothes off.
What?! No! Eurgh! Cuz.
Tracey, please just put your clothes on.
Please.
I bought you liqueurs.
And I forgive you, so What you doing here? 'Dinner!' We love each other, you're going to be with me till you die, so let's tell your mum now, innit? Come on, it's not like you're ashamed of me.
Oh, my God.
Nice to meet you, Auntie.
I got you chocolates.
Evening.
Seen you around, obviously.
I'm Connor.
I'm lactose intolerant.
I know you.
Shut up, shut up and just eat the chocolates! Who's that? I'm family.
Oh, now you're family, yeah? What's that? Nothing, it's Boy Tracey, remember, I told you, my cousin? Yeah, she told me all about you.
Great.
Auntie, shall we say grace? Er I'm so sorry.
It's never like this.
You should go, I'll save you food.
Thank you, Lord, for your son, who died for our sins.
All we need is the love of a saviour, in addition to financial prosperity.
We hold down Lloyds TSB, Santander and demand them to share out the cash monies send Northern Rock to the south, Natwest to the east! Lift up the borrower and My dear.
I think the lack of familiarity of people around the table is triggering negative emotions.
Cynthia, don't frighten others.
How many times have I told you? It's all right, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You are fine.
That's good for you.
Listen.
The world is welcome at my table, as Christ himself welcomes the world.
But who are youand what on earth are you doing in my house? I'm Tracey's boyfriend Ah, ah, ah! Mummy.
Mummy, I was at Candice's, you know, that sinner girl from the big block? And, uh, I saw Connor in-in the dark.
Connor, would you say it was dark? It was a house party, so He needed the light.
John one, verse five.
Seriously I have since then been showing him what the greatest love of all is.
Tracey, man, Jesus! Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus.
The greatest love of all, Mummy.
Welcome.
This is going to be fun.
I've encountered all sorts of darkness.
Single mothers, football fans, contemporary dancers, the mentally disturbed.
I used to be in a mental home, actually.
I was on weed from young.
I got very bad paranoia.
Are you serious? No, no, no judgment.
Paranoia, you say? Yeah, I got better and that.
I started counselling people in there.
Unofficial, like.
Thank God for freedom from addiction.
I'm still addicted, just not paranoid.
I am gluten free.
Mmm.
Easy with those.
They're a bit boozy.
Don't talk to me like I'm some autistic toddler.
Oror I'll get my boyfriend to curse you.
That's right, Tracey, I have a boyfriend.
She absolutely does not have a boyfriend.
That is amazing, I'm really happy.
"I'm, I, me.
" Everything's about Tracey.
Everything's about Tracey.
Leaving! Stranger danger! They don't believe me.
Yes, I have great respect and admiration for you too.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Dropped the phone.
Dropped the phone.
A poet.
And what do you like to write about? Ah.
Pfff.
Everything, really.
Two-dimensional shapes, cows, obviously, patterns, three-dimensional shapes, love, I'm not going to lie.
Connor, what's your sexual history? That's a really inappropriate thing to ask No, no, no, no shame.
Often the more sinful your past, the more special you will be.
Unless you're not serious about your relationship with Tr Ahhhh! What time is it? Time for a poem, I think.
Connor, heard you gave your strongest performance last night.
Heard you had a great crowd reaction.
You're talking in riddles now, bruv.
You got something to say, say it.
I ain't your brother, and I dare you.
I remembered.
I remembered.
I remembered.
His face was underneath your vagina, so I couldn't see it, but he's wearing the same shoes.
Solved that one.
I beg your pardon.
Why is Connor here? To get to know you.
Ah, OK, you are? I'm Connor, we met earlier You didn't tell me she was ill.
I'm Connor.
Tracey's man.
Her waste man.
I swear down, if you didn't look so much like her, I'd smash your face in, you fucking prick! There's dignity in the milk of this cow.
You are pumping me dry, Trace.
Is that supposed to be poetic? It doesn't even rhyme.
Hurry up and dump this idiot.
What? He's even intoxicated your sister with alcoholic chocolate.
Get rid of him before he does any more damage.
What's he talking about? What does he mean, "dump him"? Cynthia, are you OK? "Are you OK, oh, are you OK?" "Oh, I'm Tracey.
Oh, look at me, "my crisis of faith amidst the dark and confusing world.
I've got a "penis in my mouth.
I put it in my mouth.
I take it back out.
"Learned my lesson, overcame, now I'm stronger.
" Well, guess what, guess what?! I'm engaged.
Cynthia, you're going to be fine, OK, I promise you, you just need water.
I said "I'm engaged"! Uh.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick.
Use little Boy Tracy's jacket.
Ah.
Ah, that's better.
Ah, yeah.
That's my jacket.
Oh, sorry.
Don't rescue me.
I'll show you how to be a poet.
Want my fiance.
Fee-yon-say.
Who you going to marry? Who? Beyonce.
Yeah, that's how you rhyme.
Tracey.
Nah.
Mum.
You live on a deprived estate.
You should consider auto-lock.
Oh, leftovers.
May I? I thought that'd be louder.
Bang! Crash! What is this? Congo-fried chicken? What is wrong with all of you?! What is this stupid, stupid shit?! "Oh, look at how confidently I use profanities.
" You! You don't own me, I am mine! I don't want to break up with you, I'm just deeply unhappy in the relationship.
What is so hard to understand about that? Fucking hell, Connor! And you! Oh, hi, yeah.
You abused me.
It wasn't severe, it was very mild abuse, but nonetheless you abused me.
You put hair growth cream in my nostrils and all over my face because you were always trying to change me.
Well guess, what?! You cannot change a vagina! Yeah, yeah, a vagina, and breasts.
Little, droopy, saggy breasts.
And they frown when they sag, when they think about all the abuse that you put me through, and I have lost my train of thought.
Just embrace yourself, yeah? Because I would rather kiss my cousin than ever hold your hand again! Ha! Yeah.
Boy Tracy you cannot fuck your cousins.
Yeah? We will never go back into a time when that is OK, and we will never go into a time when that is trendy or quirky-cool! It's legal in the UK.
Oh! Well, Ididn't know that.
Now, I've got a sick sister to take care of.
So all of you lot can get out, or you can help me! No, not you.
Cynthia, you're going to be fine, OK? You just need water.
I promise you.
Look, cos I want my fiance to rub my back.
You don't have a fiance, you just need water.
Can someone please get her some water?! Oh! Thanks, babe.
Yeahwe're engaged.
I did say we were going to be more than friends.
Sorry, Tra It's better all over Tracey.
No more tears, my dear.
Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.
Be clear about what you want.
Then nobody can walk all over you.
Yes, Mum? Yes, Mum.
Thank you.
There you go.
I've left your things in the downstairs.
Oh, thank you.
Why? Well, you cannot live here after your recent "galavantics".
You want to forget the Lord? OK.
When you come crawling back to His gates, better mind out he hasn't forgotten to cut you a key.
Uh Anyway, goodnight, my dear.
Cynthia! No, no.
Mummy! Did you see that? My mum just kicked me out!