Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[neon buzzing]
Gettin' a fake ID
is a rite of passage, Daniel.
I remember my first fake.
It was my 12th birthday.
My dad got it for me
so I could buy my own booze
and stop hoggin' his.
[Daniel gasps]
Gimme two Chicago hot dogs with ketchup.
Is this where we get the ID?
[laughs] No, honey. Don't be ridiculous.
[chef yelps]
You cheated.
It smells like gunpowder.
Just keep walkin'. He's downstairs.
We need a fake ID.
Okay, I can do it, for the regular fee.
Jesus.
I guess it's worth it.
What's the regular fee?
A kidney.
What?
Relax, Daniel,
it doesn't have to be your kidney.
[both laughing]
We're just messin' with ya.
It's 200 bucks.
- Your face. Good one.
- Very funny.
How you been doin', Ray? Everything good?
Yeah, great.
I actually do need a kidney though.
Oh, I can get ya a kidney.
It's his dad's.
[opening theme music playing]
Ugh! The Kahlúa went bad.
Um, that's oat milk.
Never trust milk
that doesn't come from tits.
I'm always sayin' this.
Be that as it may,
it's better for the environment.
Also, the last time
Feather caught me with dairy,
he told me I was committing bovicide.
Ick.
Anyhoo, I am not gonna let this terrible
White Rush ruin my Halloween.
This is a top-five party day of the year
for your Aunt Diane,
after Christmas,
Cubs opening day, Black Friday,
and all of July.
We're gonna costume up, hit Roscoe's,
which is the best gay bar
and throws the best party anywhere,
and we are gonna shut that shit down.
I gotta say, I am really excited.
This is my first queer Halloween,
and I wanna do it right.
I've actually been thinking.
I really want to make out with a stranger.
Hell fuckin' yeah, Daniel!
Suckin' face with a rando
is what Halloween is all about.
I've never done it.
But I think I need
to throw caution to the wind,
walk up to a hot guy, smile and say,
"Care to kiss?"
Ugh. "Care to kiss"?
You gotta work on your game, my friend.
You sound like Mitt Romney.
Okay, instead of calling me hurtful names,
can you give me some tips?
Hell yeah!
Consider me your fairy godmother.
[chuckles] Come on, that was pretty good.
Okay, here's what you do.
Open with a joke, then a compliment,
toss in a smoldering look
[sensual music plays]
and bam, hit him with that wet tongue.
Really? That'll work?
Worked on a certain guy named George
when he was in ER.
You made out with George Clooney?
Nope, George Spiradakis.
He sideswiped me in '94,
and we hooked up in the hospital.
He didn't make it.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But tonight,
I'm going to let my freak flag fly!
[phone rings]
Ah, damn it.
I forgot I have a dentist appointment
at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.
9:00 a.m.?
You're gonna miss
the best part of Halloween.
In the morning,
we wake up, drink bloody scaries,
and watch all the people
do the walk of shame in their costumes.
Yeah, I'm gonna cancel.
I don't need to have Dr. Gluck
make a bunch of bad jokes
while he has his hand in my mouth.
Play your cards right,
and you're gonna get
more than a hand in your mouth.
- And I'm talkin'
- Please, don't say it.
Penis, baby!
Whoa!
[screams]
[vuvuzela blasting]
Who's ready to pregame?
Jesus, Diane. I hate your vuvuzela.
[grunts] It's for outdoor.
Well, it's the only thing I got
from that friggin' World Cup
in South Africa
before they banned me
for bothering Charlize Theron,
who was flirting with me, by the way.
Are you girls comin' to Roscoe's tonight?
They have these pumpkin spice kamikazes.
I wait all year
for those little motherfuckers.
Nah, I got a gig tonight.
Some tech guy is paying me
to make him and his friends
look like the White Walkers.
Thank God for nerds.
I cannot. I have touch of flu.
Okay, you two are officially lame-os.
Who am I gonna party with
when Daniel's off on his cock hunt?
Why don't you invite Gideon?
Tina, that's the worst idea
you've ever had,
and you voluntarily quit drinking.
You want me to invite Gideon out
on one of the most fun nights of the year?
Here's what that would look like.
"Wow, Gideon, I didn't know
you were from New York City."
"You've never said that a million times."
"Hey, will you excuse me?
I'm gonna drown myself in the toilet."
[gurgling]
Mmm. How long has he been behind me?
Since beginning.
Hey, Gideon. Love the costume.
Let me guess, wet blanket?
First of all,
the idea that I would want to go
with your flat ass is laughable.
And two, if we did,
I think it would look
a little bit more like this.
"No, Diane, you can't drive home.
You've had 30 rum and Cokes."
"Screw you. Let's crank
some Led Zeppelin hillbilly bullshit."
"Oh no, a tree."
"And my reflexes are too dulled
by years of substance abuse
and neglect to slow down."
[imitates tires skidding, car crashing]
"Beep, beep, beep"
"Yes, Mr. Coroner, that's her."
"I can tell by her tired,
basic-ass tramp stamp."
"Oh, dear. No one came to her funeral?"
- "How sad."
- Jesus.
- His was better.
- It was funnier.
They were both good.
[mellow mid-tempo music playing]
Here you go.
Thanks. See you around.
Come on, Daniel.
Joke, compliment, sexy look.
Wait, uh, I really liked what you ordered.
Beets are cool.
Oh, thanks.
Don't freak out if you have red BMs.
What did you just say?
Aren't we naughty?
Ew.
[sighs dejectedly]
Okay, I will be gone
for exactly 57 minutes.
Tina, you're in charge, then Zuzana,
then call 911.
You normally eat
your little rabbit pellets
in the back there, Gideon.
Where are you off to?
Much like cirrhosis of the liver
and lung cancer, it doesn't concern you.
He go on lunch date
with man he met on app.
Zuzana, I told you that in confidence.
A lunch date? Who bangs after lunch?
- You do.
- You do.
[laughs]
Okay, I walked into that one.
Oh, you gotta go to Vanish.
Each course gets smaller and smaller,
and by the end, you're starving.
What are some spots you're into?
Well, lately, I've been enjoying
those premade meals from Trader Joe's.
The Beets and Corn for Two is so good.
I eat the whole thing.
Huh.
So, any fun plans tonight?
It is Halloween.
Well, on Thursdays,
I FaceTime with my mama back in Georgia.
We watch The Masked Singer.
She love her some Dr. Ken.
Oh, that's kinda sweet.
Yeah, and on Mondays,
we watch America's Got Talent,
Tuesdays is The Voice,
and Wednesdays we watch
The Voice results show.
[sighs]
Look, Gideon, you seem like a nice guy,
but I'm just looking
for a little more fun.
Excuse me?
I'll Venmo request you for the latte.
Hey, Feather,
does the blue algae
go in the chlorophyll section or slime?
[phone buzzing]
Hello?
Hi, Daniel.
It's Cindy at Dr. Gluck's office.
I noticed you didn't confirm
the appointment for tomorrow,
and I wanted to get you in
some other time.
Yeah, um, I think maybe
I'm too old to see Dr. Gluck.
Is it his jokes?
Actually, yeah.
I'm gonna pull the tooth,
the whole tooth,
and nothing but the tooth.
Isn't that fun?
Daniel, we've had complaints
that you've been trying
to flirt with customers.
Someone called it flirting?
I can tell your aura's off,
and to be honest, it's assaulting my aura.
So, what's retrograding your Mercury?
Okay.
It's just Tonight is Halloween.
Ugh, don't remind me.
I can't believe
we still culturally appropriate
a Wiccan celebration without reparations.
Yeah, that's bad.
But also, I was hoping
to spread my wings a little tonight.
Maybe kiss someone?
My aunt gave me some pointers and
Let me stop you there, Daniel.
While I respect your sexuality, obvs,
I've also witnessed
your aunt here in the store.
She steals the free samples,
she calls me Vanilla Lice,
and I'm pretty sure
she crop dusted the nut cheese aisle.
She for sure did those things.
My point is if you want to make
a physical connection with someone,
the only thing that matters is pheromones.
Oh, you mean body odor?
Oh, well, that's actually
an offensive label
created by Big Deodorant.
So I just smell someone's pits?
Pretty much.
[phone rings]
- Hey, Mama.
- Hey, baby. How's it goin'?
Okay. Just, you know, busy.
Sugar, you work too much.
I always tell you that.
- [doorbell rings]
- Oh!
First trick-or-treaters are here early.
All right, I'll FaceTime you
during Masked Singer, all right?
Actually, Mama,
I I may not stay home tonight.
Why? Is somethin' wrong?
Is Ken Jeong not on the show tonight?
No, it's just It is Halloween.
I thought
Why don't we talk about it tonight
during Masked Singer, baby, okay?
All right, bye now.
[sighs]
[humming brassy tune]
Sexy Blues Brother, again?
Yeah, might be the last year though.
My ass keeps eatin' up
more and more of the shorts.
What the hell are you wearin'?
I'm Salvador Dali Parton.
Too much of a thinker?
No, I get half of it.
Yeah, I get it, Daniel.
All right, guys, I'm out.
Have fun with the Johnnie Walkers.
[laughs]
It's White Walkers.
Danny Bananny, are you ready
to cut loose and get some strange?
I don't love it when you put it that way,
but yes, I actually am.
Let's Roscoe's it up, bitches!
[Gideon] Hold on a minute.
[dramatic fanfare]
Holy shit!
Where'd you get those big worms?
They are a prop
from the original Clash of the Titans,
starring Mr. Harry Hamlin.
Who are you supposed to be?
Salvador Dali Parton.
No.
But don't worry. I will fix this.
What do you care?
I care because I've decided
I will be gracing you with my presence
at your minor league Halloween party.
Fine. But you're gonna
have to hold my wallet
because my ass ate my pockets.
- [muffled club music]
- [club-goers clamoring]
Goddamn it. We coulda been inside already
if this worm freak hadn't slowed us down
with all his wardrobe changes.
Oh please.
We're about to get in because of me.
Follow.
Uh-uh.
Back of the line.
This is Xander.
He is the number one DJ in Belgium.
So let us in, now.
Uh, okay. Right this way.
Back of the line.
Oh, she's with us. His grandmother.
[in Irish accent]
I had his father when I was a wee lass.
Whatever.
["Funky Town" playing]
Six pumpkin spice kamikazes.
Oh my God.
I've been waiting 364 days for these.
Ugh, that was gross,
but it gave me courage. Okay, bye!
I'm not drinkin' that foul syrup.
I'll have a gimlet,
Bombay Sapphire, fresh lime juice, neat.
And six more pumpkin kazes, for the table.
So, I bet you never seen
a Halloween party this crazy, huh?
[scoffs] Please.
I was at the last Halloween party
at Studio 54, darling,
and had sex in public
with a man whose name I will not divulge.
Jim Varney.
What? I've seen every Ernest movie
in the theater, opening night.
Then [as Jim Varney]
you know what I mean, Di-ern?
[laughing]
Pheromone time.
[sniffs]
[coughing, chocking]
Are you okay?
My paint fumes are still pretty strong.
I'm fine.
[coughing]
All right, Aunt Diane,
let's see if this works.
Hey, your costume looks good.
It would look even better
carefully hung upon one of my hangers.
Care to kiss?
You have a cyst?
What? No.
This kid is braggin' about having a cyst.
[sighs dejectedly]
Gideon, we should always drink
this much before we hang out at work.
I think you do.
Hey, how was your lunch date today?
It was awful.
He said I "wasn't fun."
Sorry I dine on a budget.
Oh, I'm all about cheap eats.
You know, some restaurants will serve
you bread before even you order?
So I go in
Yes, yes, you eat the free bread
and leave. I understand.
I mean, to call me not fun
is simply erroneous.
I mean, I told Basquiat
to have more fun with his hair.
I was the point man
at Halston's biggest orgy.
I don't know who those people are,
but screw that guy.
You're fun.
You're a bad liar.
Even my mother thinks I'm a
[clicks tongue]
I don't know, lonely, boring, loser.
She said that?
No, but I can tell she thinks that.
Well, look at you now!
You're out on Halloween!
- Boring losers don't go out on Halloween.
- This is true.
And you're drinkin'.
I am drinking.
- And you're [gasps]
- ["Don't Leave Me This Way" plays]
- Thelma Houston.
- Tina Turner!
Whoo! This my song.
- Should we show these boys how we do it?
- Let's go.
["Don't Leave Me This Way" plays]
Ah ♪
Baby, my heart is full of love
And desire for you ♪
Whoo!
- You got moves!
- You too, girl.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I don't mean to be forward,
but [chuckles] would you care to kiss?
Yes, please.
Hey, do you want to check out
the foam room?
I would love to.
It's actually a foam room
and not a euphemism, right?
[laughs] Great joke. Come on.
[club-goers cheering]
Okay, I have to break the royal seal.
See, that's why when I go out,
I use a super thick maxi pad.
What? They're not just for periods.
Yes, they are.
Child, you are nasty.
[both laughing]
[phone buzzing]
Hey, Gideon's Ma, it's Diane.
I know we haven't met yet,
but I feel like I know you so well.
Well, he's told me all about you.
And I want you to know,
he is still fun as fuck.
Sorry, I mean, shit
Not shit. Hell Heck
Anyhoo, Gideon's Mom,
we're out right now at a huge party,
and he's with all his people.
Yeah, there may be someone
from Georgia here, but I mean the gays.
Because he's gay.
And he is most certainly not a loser.
Oh, I gotta order a drink.
It was great talking to ya.
I'll tell him you called.
Six more pumpkin kazes, mummy!
[man] Mmm.
Hey, let's lose the masks.
Yeah.
Daniel?
Dr. Gluck?
Looks like this situation has decayed.
- [chuckles weakly]
- [groans]
[Gideon chuckles]
Well, Diane, I have to hand it
to your provincial
little Halloween gatherin'.
There is more cocaine
on that bathroom floor
than at Stevie Nicks' 30th birthday party.
Oh, I could use a toot.
By the way, your ma called.
She's a hoot and a half.
Wait, what?
You need to tell me exactly
what you said to her on the phone.
Relax. I told her we were having
the greatest night ever
at the best gay bar in town,
and that her son is a fuckin' blast.
Diane, my mother doesn't know I'm gay!
Oh!
Wow.
Well, she does now.
Don't be mad, Gideon.
Let's go back inside.
Maybe they'll play Tina Turner again.
It was Thelma Houston,
you dumb, white asshole.
- Gideon, I didn't
- Uh-uh.
Goodbye, bitch.
[Daniel] Oh gosh. Ugh. Oh no.
Daniel, would you come down
so we can talk for a second?
No. No, thank you.
Daniel, please don't make me
crawl up the slide.
I hurt my knee power-walking yesterday.
Power-walking? Ugh. This is getting worse.
Okay, I'm coming up.
- Hey, out of the way!
- Ooh, a bridge!
Look, I get that this
is a bit strange for you.
Please believe, it is for me as well.
You're still in the way!
What?
Can we go somewhere
a little more private, Daniel?
- How 'bout the ball pit?
- Fine.
That's not the point.
This is so embarrassing.
I mean, you've been my dentist
for, like, 15 years.
You could've at least told me
you were gay.
Sorry I don't run around my office saying,
"Hey, you have gingivitis."
"Also, I like men."
Look, Daniel.
I'm sorry this was not
how you wanted your night to go,
but you are an adult now.
And you're gonna run
into people from your past
that you didn't know were gay,
and you can't let it throw you.
And just so you know,
nine out of ten dentists are gay.
Really?
No, I was joking.
Okay, see, now that's a good joke.
Look, just so we're clear,
I have zero interest in you,
for a myriad of reasons.
- Okay, you don't have to say it like that.
- So friends?
Friends.
You've been starin' at the menu
all day, dum-dum!
Hey, lady, gimme two burgers and fries.
How 'bout I give you the bottom
of my shoes on your ass, bitch!
[laughs] Yes! I frickin' love this place.
And we fucking hate you.
- [man] I love it when they yell at you.
- Gideon?
I cannot believe you followed me here.
Yeah, I followed you.
That's why I'm here.
Hey, girls. Two char,
through the garden, heavy squeeze,
one cheese fry, and large RC Cola.
You were saying?
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
But I think you should know
how inappropriate it was
for you to insert yourself
into my relationship with my mother.
[cheers]
You tell her, girl.
Sorry I didn't know
you weren't okay with being yourself.
Because I am fine with who I am.
Oh! Well, isn't it nice for you, Diane,
to trip through life
and land on your feet every single time.
You don't know what it's like to be me.
Look, my mother and I
have a very good relationship
on very certain terms.
And it's not up to you
to change those terms.
Back me up here, ladies.
You know I'm a good person, right?
- Uh-uh. You're wrong this time, Diane.
- You fuck my shit up too, honky.
Gideon, I am so sorry.
I didn't know the deal with your mom.
You gotta know
I would never do that on purpose.
I just want everyone
to be free to be themselves.
Well, as of now, I am free of yo ass.
Don't do this on Halloween, G-string.
It will forever taint the holiday.
[laughs] Taint.
No! And I do not like it
when you call me G-string.
Goodbye.
What the hell?
You were all in my second wedding.
Well, you shouldn't have inserted
your ass up in his shit, Diane.
You're always doin' that.
Now, take your motherfucking char dogs,
ya fat queef bitch.
[Diane] You may enter.
Good morning.
I got home late. How was your Halloween?
Honestly, it sucked.
I totally ruined Gideon's night,
and that ruined my night.
Man, nothin' worse
than a busted Halloween.
It's not over yet.
We still have to watch the walk of shame.
Come on, I made bloody scaries.
How was your night?
Did you end up making out with a rando?
- No.
- Oh, sorry, honey.
I made out with two randos.
Wait, the Uber driver. Three!
[Diane] The student becomes the teacher.
Ah, is there ketchup in this?
Yeah, I don't know how to make 'em.
Oh, hi, Gideon.
Daniel, can I get the costume I lent you?
Oh right. It's inside.
[door opens, closes]
So, I know you don't wanna
talk to me no more
Diane, outside of work,
we don't know each other.
Be that as it may,
I feel just awful
about what happened last night.
I couldn't sleep a wink
and ended up cruisin' the web.
And after I spanked it a few times,
I did a little research and got you these.
Two tickets to Thelma Houston.
She's performing
at the House of Blues next month.
Thought maybe you could
take someone and have some fun.
Thank you.
And I must admit,
I thought a lot about last night too.
And I know that your actions
were only borne out of your ignorance
and lack of awareness
And my free spirit?
And as a gay Black man from Georgia,
I am very good at pushing things down.
So, while I will not forgive you,
I will forget about it,
and we can continue to work together
and be cordial to one another.
I'll take it.
Thanks again, Gideon.
You may wanna wash it.
Sorry, I sweat a lot.
- Ugh, this is not just sweat.
- Ooh, look at this costume.
Slutty Zorro.
- Daniel.
- Morning, Dr. Gluck.
[laughs]
How 'bout another round, kiddo?
[Diane slurping]
Somehow the ketchup's
startin' to work for me.
Get down goblin ♪
Get down goblin ♪
Get down goblin ♪
Get down ♪
Get down goblin ♪
Get down goblin ♪
Get down goblin ♪
Get down ♪
Another Halloween ♪
The children will be dressed up ♪
Candy, pumpkins, witches around ♪
The moon shines so bright ♪
The air will smell like pudding leaves ♪
There's zero excitement tonight ♪
Get down goblin ♪