Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

Please, I'm gonna shoot you.
Please, I'm gonna shoot you! Hey, hey, guys, come on.
Dad! I know, it's Felix's birthday, he's gonna shoot you guys.
- Ow.
- Sorry, sorry.
Follow me upstairs.
That birthday cake was so good.
Yes, thanks again for making it.
It was really sweet that Felix wanted just his family here.
He has friends at school, doesn't he? Yes, Mom.
It's his friend's party this weekend.
Another party? Well Yeah, well, the poor kid lost two birthdays to the pandemic.
So, this is special.
Should I get another present? No, no, one toy gun is enough.
And the one thing I asked you not to get.
I'll get him more bullets then.
So, is Corey coming to the party this weekend? He's been saving newspapers and fruit stickers for weeks.
That's awesome.
Why? You know, instead of wrapping paper and Scotch Tape, which is choking the planet? Well, in that case, shouldn't you not be buying newspapers anymore as well? And stop supporting print media? Right.
Hey, we should go.
Corey's still recovering, don't wanna push him.
- Recovering from what? - No, he was just a little just a little sick.
- What? - It's not COVID, okay? We're all vaccinated.
You brought him here sick, knowing that Felix's party is in two days? It's fine, he's on a natural immune booster.
My own brew.
It's like a face mask for your whole body.
Good.
Bo made a potion.
My mind's at ease.
We would've never come here if we thought there was any chance of getting you all Being sick sucks.
But before kids, you could at least focus on healing yourself with your favorite remedies.
Sleep, watch The Shield, snack, sweat, spend hours on the toilet.
It was glorious.
But kids don't care if you're sick.
They need, "Mommy and Daddy.
" They want lunch and clean underwear and to scream at you when you forget that they're pretending to be a horse.
And they're usually the ones making you sick.
They literally grab viruses and put them in their noses.
We used to have time to get to take care of ourselves.
Now I have to plan a birthday party today.
You're dead.
Hon, what can I do to help? You should take it easy today.
Take it easy? You want me to take it eas Do you have any idea what I have to do? I have to bake a cake, I have to get decorations, loot bags.
Take it easy, huh? What? You know, even if you weren't sick, it kinda sounds last minute.
Which is why it's so amazing that you do a killer job every year.
All Every time.
Which is why I should do it this year.
No, I'm fine.
I just just feel a little weak and pukey, and my bones are cold.
Ow! My cold bones.
Viv put Play-Doh down my pants and said it was cow plop.
So now I get to do it to her.
No! Viv, stop sneaking things in people's pants.
Yeah, I had broccoli fall outta my pant leg at work.
That's hard to live down.
Give Viv the Play-Doh.
Viv, put it down your own pants.
There you go.
Now there's cow plop in Viv's pants, you're even.
That's not fair, Mom.
Mom Mom.
Did he just call me "Mom"? He called me "Mom.
" Okay.
Hey, guys? Your mom Mom's Mommy-wommy's not feeling well.
So, just go upstairs and get ready for Let's go, let's go.
Put some clothes on.
And, hey.
What're you doing? That cow plop stays in those pants till you go all the way upstairs.
- No.
- Yes.
I have a question.
Who is "Mom"? Because I'm Mommy.
I'm Mommy.
I know.
Felix is growing up.
The other day, he told me I was being rude.
You were on your phone at the dinner table.
I know, he was right.
It was so grown up about him.
No, I don't I don't want him to grow up.
But it's kind of a disease if he doesn't, hon.
What if doesn't want his "Mom" to be Dr.
Bad Guy at the birthday party? No, no, no, no.
He absolutely wants Dr.
Bad Guy.
That's tradition.
But everything else, I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get a cake from Ronces Crossaintsie.
No, no, you're not.
Remember Viv's birthday last year? We asked for a Peppa, and they gave us Popeye.
And you, for some reason, said it was "Summertime Santa.
" It's summer.
He shaves the beard, he wears a captain's hat.
Because it's like he's on vaca Okay, so I'm not gonna call Ronces Crossaintsie.
But everything else, I'm gonna do.
I got this.
Okay, thank you, I love you.
Mm.
I love you.
Ready for school, Felix? I guess so.
This about the cow plop incident? Principles.
Good for you.
Listen, I want to talk to you about something.
Mommy is feeling a little sick, so Wait for it This year, Daddy is gonna finish getting your party ready, right? Okay.
Okay, so, here's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinkin' streamers.
Right? I'm thinkin' balloons.
No streamers, no balloons.
That's too little-kiddy.
Oh, you want like a grown man's birthday party? Mm-hm.
Oh, and can I have a unicorn cake? Yeah, buddy, I can do that.
Like, a red unicorn.
Like, a big, black horn and flames, and body armor.
Uh, no, a rainbow one.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm so Yes, of course, of course you can have a rainbow unicorn, buddy.
Rainbow unicorns are awesome, and anybody who thinks they're not is an idiot.
We're dealing with an orgy of toxic masculinity conditioning.
It's their problem, not your problem.
What's orgy? Nothin' much, what's orgy with you? - Huh? - Yeah, that's it.
Come on, you're old enough to get these jokes.
Okay, let's go to school.
Birthday boy's gotta get to school - And talk about something else.
- Okay.
I love blocks.
I love blocks.
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.
Can you please play with those on the carpet, please? - Who knows what I'll do.
- Cool.
- Hello! - Oh, my God.
Finally.
Mom! What're you doing? Well, I'm here to take Viv, like you asked.
Why're you dressed like a serial killer's mascot? Protecting myself.
I have tickets to see Hamilton, and you know I'm a history buff.
- So - I wanna stay here.
I put plexiglass around your whole car seat.
It's gonna be like a sterile spaceship.
Mom, can you just stay here and play with Viv? In ground zero? No way.
I have waited so long to see this show.
Remember when I thought I had tickets to see Hamilton in Chicago? But they turned out to be tickets to see Chicago in Hamilton? No.
- Horrible.
- I wanna stay with Mommy.
All right, fine.
Mom, it's okay.
You can just go.
Okay.
Well, yeah.
That works for me.
- Have a hot bath.
- Mm-hm.
Get a good sweat, and you'll feel like a million bucks.
- Okay, bye, bye, bye.
- Bye.
Yes, hello.
I'm still here.
You do? You have one rainbow unicorn cake left? And you're sure it's a unicorn and not like, an alacorn? Or a garbage Pegasus? There's no way.
You are a lifesaver.
I am a cake god.
Can you hold it for me? No, someone's asking for it now.
What do you mean? No, no.
What do you mean someone's looking at it? It's mine, it's my cake.
I'm coming right now.
Okay? Okay.
Okay, shit show in the boardroom.
Our avocado supplier just went tits-up and we need an action plan ASAP, or we're effed.
Uh, Marla? I just gotta pop out for some food real quick.
This is a grocery empire, not a goddamn lunch club.
You eat after we put out this fire.
James? You can both have tea.
Hi, Snoozy.
A surprising amount of parenting is done with your ears.
It's your keener sense.
Especially when a cold makes your nose stuffed up, and your eyeballs ache.
Every noise gives you intel.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Mommy! That's little bit I need to wipe this.
Thank you, Mommy.
And here you go.
And here you go, Snoozy.
The only thing worse than a crash or screaming, is dead silence.
What was that? Viv? I just did jumping jacks, and something broke.
Oh, my God.
No.
No! You're gonna die on our son's birthday and he's gonna grow up so weird.
You look like a moist zombie.
We need to cancel this birthday party.
Yeah, you're right.
We can't we can't do it.
Why we can't do it? He'll just have he'll have two birthdays next year.
Make it four, we'll just What else can we cancel? Mom? Dad? - Hey there, little guy.
- Hey, there he is, there's my big, special fella.
That's a bit over the top.
I actually do want streamers and balloons at my party.
But camouflage streamers and balloons that look like bombs.
Okay, Felix, I'm sorry, buddy, but I have some bad news.
We can't do your We can't do them without the camouflage streamers and the balloon bombs.
Yes! My cold bones.
Does oatmeal always look like chunky spit? Yeah, that's just the stomach element of the sickness.
But don't worry, there's also "willingness to die" element, that really takes the edge off.
Okay, we have to admit that this party is gonna suck.
We just have to survive.
- I don't like our chances.
- Okay, what do we - Should we do something, or - Yes, yes All right.
Let's divide and conquer.
I'll start the clean up, you get the birthday cake.
Right The cake thing.
It's gonna take a little longer because I had to use Ronces Crossaintsie.
- What? - I Your place didn't have unicorn cakes.
I, you know, I didn't have a choice.
That place butchers birthday cakes and murders kid's dreams.
It's their literal business model.
Can I have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast? I was hoping he'd wake up sick so we could just cancel.
I was hoping the same thing.
That's why we make such a good team.
Mm.
Sorry.
Yeah, you can't be in here if you're sick.
No, no.
I'm not I'm just I'm a smoker and I just smoked a whole pack of big cigarettes.
Oh.
What'd you say it would cost? - $42.
75.
- Okay.
I wonder what kind of milk, sugar and flour you're using.
I wonder what kind of payment you'll be using.
Can I just see the cake real quick? Just to make sure it's a unicorn, you know, and not like an alacorn, or a stupid Pegasus.
Sure.
That's a goddamn wizard.
- Louis? - What? You messed up again.
I need a cake but I refuse to pay for this.
Anyone in here want a wizard cake? - What color is it? - No, I I'm gonna It's fine.
I'm gonna take it, it's fine.
It's my cake, It's my cake.
Sorry.
Can you just Can you fix it? How? I don't know, you're the guy who Make it like unicorn.
- Mom? - Yeah? - What does "orgy" mean? - I'm What, sweetie? - What's "orgy" mean? - Okay Mm-hm, mm-hm.
It's when a Mmm.
It's when a group of people who are who are close together, physically, just have a special and fun time.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I'm home.
All right, go get ready for your party.
I wanna I want you to look cute for for your special day.
Is that the cake? Did we pull this off? Not quite.
Oh, my God.
What happened to that unicorn? Bath salts? These ding-dongs gave us a wizard.
This is why we don't use Ronces Crossaintsie.
I made 'em fix it.
But I paid I paid extra.
- You paid extra for this? - I promised Felix a unicorn cake.
I didn't want him to think anything was wrong with asking for a unicorn cake.
And now I'm understanding the emotional labor that goes into planning these birthday parties.
And thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for doing it every time.
That's nice.
I don't Yeah, this doesn't feel good.
I feel atrocious.
Oh, you feel atrocious - Oh, no.
She's burning up.
- Okay.
Uh, take Viv upstairs, I'm gonna wipe down every surface.
Okay, okay.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
They're here? - Hey, guys.
- Hi! Come on in, Early bird gets the - Oh, wrapped in newspaper.
- Oh I don't know whether to read it or throw it out.
Just joking.
This is really great.
Ow.
James.
He doesn't know what "this" means? Okay.
Sorry, Corey.
Now, is Astrid okay? Yeah.
Why why do you ask? She requested the recipe to Bo's immune booster.
Oh, you know, that She's trying to find the secret ingredient to your husband's witch juice.
The insinuation that Bo is a witch, simply because he accepts health practices from a large swathe of cultures, is incredibly ignorant, James.
Come on, that stuff doesn't really work.
I mean, do you have any on you that I could try? - Like, sarcastically? - Are you okay? - Yes, I'm tip-top.
- You look undead.
Dracula was undead, and he was the most amazing person in the world.
I'll be back in two hours.
Try not to hurt Corey.
Mm, you try not to forget that I really respect you and your husband very much.
- Bye, Corey.
- Bye, Mom.
Remember, no soda.
Felix.
Come here.
Yeah? Hey, everything okay? You having a good time? - Yeah, sort of.
- Mm-hm.
Where's Mom? Can she do Dr.
Bad Guy? Absolutely.
Might take a few minutes, and maybe a couple of stimulants, but yes.
I have an announcement to make.
I've heard from the Chief of Police that there's trouble uh-brewing.
So everybody needs to get their bonk bats ready, because Dr.
Bad Guy is in the area.
- Yeah! - I'm gonna murder something.
Nope, nope.
Nobody's gonna murder anyone, Corey.
But Good energy, I appreciate you, buddy.
- Dad got Dr.
Bad Guy! - Dr.
Bad Guy! What Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah.
Better than okay.
Dr.
Bad Guy! They want Dr.
Bad Guy? No.
Felix wants Dr.
Bad Guy.
That's so nice.
He needs his Mommy.
I can't move.
Look, look, look.
You're amazing at pushing through.
- Mm.
- Remember when we drove to BC? And we were supposed to sleep in the car in Saskatchewan, and I woke up, and you had driven all the way there.
Because you didn't like how big the sky was.
We don't need so much sky.
You conquered a whole province in a night.
You can be Dr.
Bad Guy for half an hour.
James, let's do this.
No, I'm gonna lie down, actually.
Coming up the stairs was very taxing.
And then they gave a speech and everything Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Are you okay? Dr.
Bad Guy's totally gonna kill you and your friends.
He just needs Just one moment.
Just He's got it, just one moment.
I can be Dr.
Bad Guy.
What? Oh, sweetie, no.
No, no, no.
Here, it's ginger ale.
It'll make your tummy feel better.
I love you, Mommy.
I love you, kiddo.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my friends and I are gonna orgy together.
Nope.
Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Guy! Dr.
Bad Kids will bring sickness into your house.
Your family will pass the bug around.
Like a bottle of schnapps and a bush bash.
We had very different high school experiences.
And when it feels like your body is shutting down, your kids need you to take care of them, so no rest for you.
As they grow, they need you less and less.
Which is fantastic, but also sad.
Hey! No, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Nobody's moving out just yet.
Still wiping butts around here.
But, yeah.
Enjoy being needed while you can.
It goes quick.
- Thank you.
- Don't worry about it, bud.
Yeah.
Corey totally jumped the gun.
That 911 call? We had that napkin fire under control.
We didn't need You're the real hero.
Thank you so much.
Should I go hand out the goodie bags? Yeah.
Do you want my help with that, buddy? No, I'm okay.
Hey, guys.
Do you want a goodie bag? Maybe this new phase isn't so bad after all.
Yeah, speak of yourself.
Love you, Felix! What happened? Corey, what happened? Are you okay? Hey, Mom.
What did you do to my son? Did he have soda? So, it's called kava.
K-A-V-A.
- Kava - Very good.
Now, two tablespoons of manuka honey.
That's from the animal Manuka animal? No, no.
It's a type of honey.
From the manu From a manuka? You can go to the store, it says "manuka.
" - Okay.
- Okay, one teaspoon of goji berry extract.
Not the powder, the extract.
No, I would never with the powder.
- Extra virgin - Yeah, the - coconut oil.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Yep, that's just an oil from the coconut.
Right? And then I would add five peppercorns.
Three star anise.
- I'm not sure we have the Sta - It's a spice.
It's dry.
- It's called star anise.
- Sure.
One tablespoon of powdered reishi mushrooms.
Yeah, that's I mean, okay, if I just take a mushroom No, no.
It's different, reishi mushrooms.
No, I can powder a mushroom.
I can just Astragalus is also fine if you can't find powdered reishi.
I'll I'll figure the part out.
Okay.
Not dried mushrooms.
It has to be powdered.
Yeah, smash it around, I get it.