Clerks (2000) s01e05 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
[ Dante .]
I can't believe it.
Our ten-year reunion.
Man, check out the old gym.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
I don't wanna see how successful everyone is.
All you gotta do is have a story in place.
If anyone asks, I'm suing the government over some bad meat.
You're just the saddest man on Earth.
Remember my story, Plug: I'm suing the government over some bad meat.
But, sir, everyone already knows you're a billionaire industrialist with world domination plans.
Who's suing the government over some bad meat.
- Mr.
Leonardo, what are you doing here? - Wait.
I knew you looked familiar.
You were in my gym class.
You're the guy we threw a blanket over, violated with soap - and threw into the girls' locker room.
- That was me.
In case you haven't noticed, they're holding reunions for the classes of '70, '80 and '90 this evening.
You mean what's left of the class of '80.
- I remember it like it was yesterday.
- [ Crying .]
Grad night in orbit! Whoo-hoo! Class of '80 rules! And I've been working at the video store.
- I know! - This sucks.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
Wait a second.
Look who's here.
- My old baseball team.
- You weren't on the baseball team.
Right.
I was only team manager for four years, including the year we won the championship.
I'm gonna go hang out with them.
I'd bring you over, but you know.
I understand.
No straight people allowed.
Hey, check it out.
Debbie Peters is heading this way for a little Randal.
[ Deep Voice .]
Graves, never thought I'd see you here.
- Dirty Debbie Peters.
What are you, some kind of a soldier? - I'm a lesbian, you idiot.
- What? Since when? - Since about two seconds after we broke up.
So you're saying that after me no other man would do? - That's one way of putting it.
- Yes! I am the ultimate male! Did you hear about my case against the government? Bad meat.
Hey, Jon Sharp, team captain and M.
V.
P.
Good to see you.
- Who are you? - Dante Hicks.
Team manager.
Remember? No, doesn't ring a bell.
Take him outside and beat him up for being different from us.
So, you're completely lesbo too, Jeanie? No men at all? - [ Deep Voice .]
Not after you.
- Cha-ching! What about Tracey Morgan? I dated her in eighth grade.
Tracey and I have been married for five years.
Who is the man? Who is the man? Okay, class of '70.
We are going to give out the award for the most successful grad.
Now, this rabble of pathetic mid-level managers teachers, doctors, lawyers and Nobel laureates shall bow before the might of Leonardo Leonardo Leonardo.
Sorry.
Leonardo Leonardo.
Okay, this is no surprise.
The winner is Hap Osgood, owner of Osgood Hardware - soon opening his second store.
- [ Cheering .]
Ah.
For too long Osgood Hardware has been a thorn in my side.
- Kill him, Plug! - I'm only a publicist, sir.
Then kill him with bad publicity.
[ Chuckles .]
Sir, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
- Plug! - Consider it done.
Okay, our next award goes to the most megalomaniacal evil billionaire bent on global domination and the elimination of Osgood Hardware.
- Have the car standing by, Plug.
- And the winner is [ Gasps .]
Maximillian Stark! [ Cheering .]
Class of '70 rules! All right, John.
I found a yearbook.
Look, there I am in the team picture.
- I don't see any manager.
- See? I'm right there.
That's my arm.
They cropped me out.
- Right.
- Well, what about this picture? It proves I was the team manager.
Yearbook photos are pretty easy to fake.
See? All right, anyone who was ever remotely connected to the baseball team there's gonna be a private party in my van, B.
Y.
O.
B.
First, let's beat this guy up for trying to be like us even though he's still different.
[ Toilet Flushing .]
This is the worst night of my life.
Me too.
Care for a drink? I stole the bottle.
So, Dante is naked in the adult section bag of licorice in one hand, cooking oil in the other.
That's a true story.
All right, see you guys in ten years.
Randal? Hi.
I don't know if you even remember me but I used to have a huge crush on you.
Every girl here tells me you're a life-changing experience.
- That's true.
- Let's go somewhere private.
- Stupid reunion.
- Yeah.
Stupid! Look at that trophy.
I never got a trophy.
And now they don't even remember me.
I was the manager.
- I was the manager of-- - Stupid team.
I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball-- Good night.
Right this way to the lesbo express.
Oh, my God! Pharaoh! - So? - So, this game used to be in the cafeteria.
I played it all the time.
That's my high score.
- See the initials? - S-E-X? My alter ego.
They used to call me "Sexy Randal, the Pharaoh Wizard.
" - No, they didn't.
- One guy did.
- Go, Sexy Randal, the Pharaoh Wizard! - [ Game Bleeping .]
This game was so great.
You had to move the big bricks and build a pyramid before the slave masters whipped you.
- Do you wanna do it or what? - Man, I had some good times playing this machine.
Come on, come on.
Lift those bricks.
[ Deep Voice .]
Hey, hot stuff, wanna get out of here? I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes.
Yes, I would.
Who's your daddy? Randal is.
Randal.
Jump.
Come on.
[ Ringing .]
- Hello? - [ Man Whispering .]
What? I don't work at the Quick Stop.
[ Man Chattering .]
Oh, manager.
Oh, God! Not again.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
What's going on, Mr.
Leonardo? I can't remember a thing from last night.
- All we did was talk.
I swear.
- About what? Look, forget that I was ever there and I'll give you the chance to recapture all the baseball glory you never had in your youth heading up my Little League team.
You have a Little League team? Not yet, but we have a coach.
[ Organ: "Charge" .]
So, do you want to coach Little League? Hmm.
Coach Dante.
Yeah.
Fine.
Would a million dollars change-- You mean you accept? Yeah.
Maybe I can finally get some respect and show everyone I'm more than just a scrub.
Boring.
So, are you ready to meet the boys? - Is that my team? - Uh, no.
Those are the bullies who beat up your team every day.
Here's your team.
Oh, my God.
The kid in the helmet.
Yes.
And look at him.
- And of course, the uniforms.
- Escort Service? Well, actually it's Leonardo's Plumbing and Heating and Escort Service but it's eight cents a letter.
I have to go.
Good luck.
Well, come on, guys.
- What's wrong with him? - That's the weird foreign kid.
Does he know any English? Vamonos.
Viens ici.
Achen heren.
- [ Sneezes .]
- [ Indian .]
[ Sighs .]
- Yeah, yeah, come on! - Hey, Leonardo made me the coach of his Little League team.
He bought Rob Zimmerman a car.
Hey, check it out.
I'm gonna break my old record.
[ Game Bleeping .]
[ Egyptian .]
I did it! I broke 100 million! I'm the pharaoh.
I am the pharaoh.
Big deal.
It's just an old video game.
Who but you would ever care? [ Beeping .]
Good morning.
We're looking for the greatest Pharaoh player who's ever lived: S-E-X.
You were saying? Look no further, boys.
I am the pharaoh.
- It's him.
Go, go, go! - [ High-pitched Ringing .]
Oh, my God! - What's going on? - Off the top of my head I'd say these men are in the employ of some super-secret federal agency which created Pharaoh as a recruitment device for the ultimate warriors of the digital age.
- Oh, you're very good.
- You're not going with them, are you? Yep.
I don't think this stuff will be declassified for at least 50 years.
So, bye forever.
Okay, team, let's just take it slow and see what you've got.
Strike three.
That's the ball game.
- Escorts lose again.
- [ Cheering .]
Coach Dante, we're the worst team ever.
Yes, we are, Anthony.
Yes, we are.
Welcome, Mr.
Graves.
I am Professor Ram director of research here at the project.
During your stay here, should you desire anything these ladies have been specially trained to meet your any need.
- Any need? - Any need, Randal-san.
Good.
Then I need some candy bars and some porn magazines.
A stack this high.
Quickly now.
You don't need magazine.
We are here to serve you, if you catch my meaning.
- [ Giggles .]
- Then do as I say.
And I like the magazines with the Asian chicks in 'em.
I've got a thing for Asian chicks.
As do I.
The Pharaoh arcade game is a test much like in the movie Last Starfighter.
In fact, that's where I got the idea, you see? Your score indicates you possess certain skills: hand-eye coordination and highly developed reflexes.
All abilities that would make you an ideal starship pilot.
Oh, my God! Randal's gonna be a starship pilot? No.
If you remember correctly the object of Pharaoh is to build pyramids, you see.
[ Whip Snapping .]
[ Man Screaming .]
- Hey, what's going on? - This is your mission.
These giant blocks here need to be moved and piled up over there, you see? - Come again? - And just like in the video game if you fail to move the rocks, the slave guards will whip you to death, all clear? I can't move those.
They're huge.
Said the man who got 100 million points.
Go on.
Give it a try.
Don't you have any machines that can do this? Yes.
Good luck.
This sucks.
Aaah! I stand corrected.
That sucks.
Okay, guys, here it comes.
Is it chocolate? - Damn! - Hey, Jay.
Little help? [ Grunts .]
Whoa.
Look at that arm.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Time to see what Greased Thunder can do.
[ Engine Revs .]
You feel that in your face, Silent Bob? Wa-hoo! Nooch! There goes the baddest kid in the fourth grade.
He's not in the fourth grade.
He's 26.
He got left back a lot.
If Jay's only in the fourth grade, then we can legally have him on this team.
All we have to do is convince him to play.
Jay, how would you like to play on my Little League team? Okay.
- Walk! Walk faster! - I need a break! First carry! Then break! You big disappointment.
You get high score but stink at moving rocks! Man, I can't do this.
- Take break now! - Oh.
Thank God.
For break, pull cart! Can I have your attention? I want you to meet our new center fielder, Jay.
- Snoochie bootchies, little noochies.
- This guy's an idiot.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
Yeah-hey-hey! [ Crying .]
- You wanted to see me coach? - No.
Which one of youse woke me and told me Coach Dante wanted to see me? Who was it? [ Continues .]
[ Indian .]
- You wanted to see me again, Coach Dante? - No.
This isn't funny.
Carry rocks faster! Do it now! What does it look like I'm doing? No talk back! You want take break again? No break.
Anything but break.
Most honorable guard, that slave is breaking rocks slowly.
You, take break! For break, get whipped while pull cart with teeth.
"Dante, I pray this somehow finds its way to you.
Also, I ruined the shirt I borrowed from you.
Randal.
" [ Burps .]
The Escorts win.
The Escorts win.
We're going to the Little League World Series, boys.
Break out the champagne.
Coach Dante, this champagne has a note in it.
Then throw it out! Ow! Dante's gonna come.
Ow! Dante's gonna come.
Ow! We're still going to the Little League World Series! [ Dante .]
Here we are.
Home of the Little League world champions.
Well, this is the place.
Where is everyone? Spooky noochies.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me where the Little League team is? Little League team? [ Screams .]
What's going on? Where are all the children? - They took the children.
- [ All Gasp .]
It was a foggy, moonless night that they came down from the mountain.
And evil cult: the Thuggee.
All you could hear were the sounds of mothers crying in the darkness.
And when we awoke, the children were all gone.
We'll find the children, and we'll bring them back, creepy guy.
Jay, Bob, kids, let's go.
[ Crow Cawing .]
Why are we walking like this? This entrance is for deliveries only.
Oh, we got a delivery, all right: a special delivery of pain! You'll be wanting the secret entrance then.
Over that ridge pull on the severed human finger, wall slides open.
- Everyone ready? - [ Mumbling .]
Underwear party! - "Oonderwear" party! - That's the spirit.
Let's go, go, go! Randal! - Dante? - Get him! - You came to rescue me? - Uh, yeah.
That's right.
You got my message.
I knew it.
Right again.
What happened? I thought you were going to some secret government operation.
Yeah, I was, but I did so well they gave me a promotion and I landed this gig.
Pretty sweet, huh? You wanna take my place, burn boy? - Get him! - There's no time.
We've got to find the missing children.
This way.
That's Ram.
He's in charge, but I don't think he has anything to do with this cult.
[ Whimpering .]
[ Groans .]
Yeah! Tear his heart out! - Huh? - Great.
That just ruins everything.
Thanks a bunch.
Get them.
- I think they spotted us, Coach Dante.
- Really? The children.
My God, look at them.
I know.
I had to move big rocks.
They're just chipping away at the walls.
What a rip-off.
All right, team, we're not leaving without these kids.
You know what to do.
What do we do, Coach Dante? Huh? - Now let's get out of here.
- I'll meet you outside.
I've got some friends that are still trapped.
Geishas, come on.
We're leaving.
- [ Deep Voice .]
How do, Randal? - Come on.
I've gotta save you.
You already have, Randal.
Now go.
Spread your message of male worthlessness and lesbian liberation all over the globe.
Then, and only then, will you truly be the one.
- I shall.
Farewell, lesbians.
- Good-bye.
Thank you for bringing our children back.
How can we ever repay you? Youse got any canned whipped cream? Uh, sure.
And then it's time to let the healing begin for the months of malnutrition and crippling abuse our children have suffered.
- Oh, Mayor, you forgot something.
- Uh-huh? - Play ball! - What? [ Groans .]
The Ex-Slaves are out of players and forfeit.
The Escorts win! They are the new Little League World Champions under Coach Dante Hikes.
Hicks.
[ Cheering .]
High five.
That's cold, Obi-Wan.
[ Children Groaning .]
[ Escorts Cheering .]
Ye-e-e-s!