Close Enough (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
NARRATOR: Sand.
Bone.
Sand.
Bone.
Sand.
Bone.
Sand & Bone.
You deserve it.
[HORNS HONKING, SCREAMING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[SIGHS] We probably shouldn't
watch this while driving.
But I'm so excited!
I can't believe your boss
is gonna let us stay
at his sweet beach condo.
TOGETHER: Spring break!
[HORN HONKING]
Whoa. [CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Mommy! You ready to have
a week of fun on the beach?
Yeah!
Mr. Campbell just wants
to ask you something
about whether you care
if I stay at this school or not.
So, do you guys care if Candice
stays at the school or not?
TOGETHER: Yes!
Oh, okay, just checking.
Some parents are just
out of sight, out of mind.
You know?
[CHUCKLES]
So Candice needs to
step it up then.
She's been failing
all her recent tests.
How could Candice
test so poorly?
Well, it's possible
she's just
you know only cute.
[GASPS]
My daughter is not cute.
I mean not just cute.
What can we can do to fix this?
Hello, I'm Brainio.
A state-of-the-art robot tutor.
Let's improve your test scores.
It's no big deal.
We'll just bring him
on Spring Break with us.
Uh, actually,
the loan-out company requires
Brainio to stay at
your residence for charging.
So we can't go anywhere?
I mean, you are free
to go anywhere.
Like to her old school.
Children, please! I paid for
this bus with my own money!
Josh, we can't let her
go back to that school.
Ah! People make too big a deal
about test scores.
Candice is fine.
I wrote my name!
[BOTH INHALE SHARPLY]
[GROANS]
I can't believe that sweet condo
is just gonna sit
empty all week
I mean, it doesn't have to.
Oh. Right. You and Alex
should go in our place.
Yes! Thank you! Alex?
I don't know. My idea of
vacation is not lounging
on some overly-manicured beach.
Mmm, that's too bad.
I was reading this article
about divorce sex
and thought we could try it.
I'll get my swim suit!
Oh. [GIGGLES]
[SIGHS]
We were gonna have
satisfactory marriage sex,
and they're gonna have
gross hot divorce sex.
It's gonna be so weird
and confusing.
Hey, we can have weird
and confusing sex here.
I say we do
a Spring Break at home.
An at-home-cation.
I'm too bummed
to have a spring break.
We lost the condo,
and Candice isn't smart.
I need to grieve.
Whoo!
Aw! Come on, man.
[LAUGHS]
One of the boys got out.
He's excited.
Spring Break!
[TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[EMILY SIGHS]
Josh?
Where's that music coming from?
Hi, Mommy! I can read
the letters of the alphabet!
That's great!
Hey, you're just in time
for the wet T-shirt contest.
Whoo!
Wow.
Josh, this is awesome!
Okay, you're right.
As long as Candice
is happy and doing well,
we'll give this
at-home-caytion a shot.
Speaking of shots!
TOGETHER: At-home-caytion!
[BUZZING]
Uh-oh.
Everything okay, Candice?
The questions are too tough.
Greg and Suzie are children,
not childs.
And now because you got
an incorrect answer,
a word from our sponsors.
ANNOUNCER: Does your head hurt
because your daughter
is struggling in school?
I'm a failure as a mother.
You deserve a foot massager
from Toe Town!
Press the screen to buy now.
We can't afford a foot massager.
It's vacation!
We can splurge!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
BRIDGETTE: Sand!
Bone.
Sand.
Bone?
Ooh, that is hot.
- Right?
- Wait, wait, wait.
Do that again.
Well, why don't you
put your phone down
and get in the shell?
There's a pearl in here.
I'm talking about
my uncircumcised penis.
It's a director's cut --
no cuts and longer
than it needs to be.
[SIGHS] Chill! We're gonna
be here all week.
I just want to post this
real quick
so it actually happened.
[GROANS] Do you have
to do this right now?
Yes! This is
prime posting time.
If I post it now
and tag the location,
it has a chance of showing up
in the Sand & Bone story,
which puts it in front of
like 10,000 more followers,
which means more traffic.
Hey, wanna come
try out the new hammock?
If you close your eyes, it feels
like you're in Costa Rica.
- Yes!
- No.
- Ugh.
- She almost got one right.
Here is an easy one.
Which of the following sentences
contains a prepositional phrase?
A prepo-what?
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
ANNOUNCER: Prepositions got you down?
Prepo-who cares?
Maybe it's time for
a prepo-zip-line vacation
in Costa Rica!
These questions
are kind of hard.
I mean, even a smart kid
couldn't get them.
Well, what's that supposed
to mean?
[GASPS] No-nothing.
I mean
This stupid robot
is ruining my life!
Josh, I didn't mean it!
It just slipped out.
Let me go talk to her.
School is important,
but it's better to just find
something
you're passionate about.
For me, it was video games.
I wouldn't worry too hard
about the test.
Thanks, Dad.
Okay, now, do you see here
where it says we need
a password to access him?
Do you remember what the most
common password is I taught you?
Oh, yeah, one, two,
three, for, five.
DEEJAY: Let me hear
you say Divorsay!
Divorsay!
ALEX: Look at these
smartphone idiots.
They might as well be living
in the goddamn Matrix.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
You're preaching to
the drum circle.
[CHUCKLES]
I just refuse to contribute
to this mind-numbing behavior
that has stopped us
from connecting as people.
Oh, are you looking
to connect with people?
Mm.
Oh.
Oh. All right.
Ooh.
Uh, uh.
Ah.
Hey.
You're not gonna ask me
if I believe in the Lord
of Light, are you?
[LAUGHTER]
Do you?
What are you doing here?
I thought we were going
to sand and bone.
Why? So you can tape it and see
how many likes you get?
I'd rather connect
with an actual person.
This is Toluca Lake.
She lives in a yurt,
a totally unplugged lifestyle.
I don't even have a toilet.
Well, toilets
don't plug in, so
A toilet plugs
into the sewer system,
which pollutes the ocean.
Isn't she great?
[SCOFFS]
Are you really going to turn me
down for Suzie's of Maine?
I'm actually from Oregon.
It was an actual deodorant joke!
I remember these jealous rages
from when we were married,
and you know what?
Not interested!
And I remember your need for
approval from female randos!
[LAUGHS]
Good one about the toilet, too.
Ooh, that really pissed her off.
Wow, you were not kidding.
[DINGING]
[GROANS]
What's with all that dinging?
[GASPS]
Dinging!
Correct!
What's going on?
Hi, Mommy.
I'm smart now.
Of course you're smart.
I'm so sorry that
I made you feel bad.
[DINGING]
Congratulations.
All levels are complete.
God bless America ♪
Aah! Do you know
what this means?
TOGETHER: Spring break!
Hey, guys!
Sand & Bone is amazing.
Hashtag so happy! Hashtag 100%
of my life is spent being happy!
[SIGHS]
Well, look who's here.
Hairball Houdini
and Smelly Duvall.
We only came here
so Toluca can use the bathroom.
We discovered something
living in her pit.
[HISSING]
Well, that's its home now.
Of course.
Let's respect all creatures.
I'm going to go hit your pit.
[GROANS]
We didn't even have sex.
We just talked all night.
I thought divorce sex
was supposed to be fun.
I read that blog post.
It says that it's only fun
if there's no strings attached.
We've still got strings.
Yeah. Truce?
Truce.
The Spring Break crew
has arrived!
- No way!
- Oh, my God,
this place is ridiculous!
[GASPS] I heard the bathroom
has a wine fridge.
What happened?
Are you done with the robot?
Yeah! Candice
crushed her tests.
So we bailed on Brainio
for Sand and Bone-io!
CANDICE: Hey, Dad, did you order
something from Brainio?
No. Why?
Violation! Violation!
Violation!
- Aah!
- Yo, yo, yo!
There is a woman covered
in filth in the bathroom.
That's me.
Am I just drunk or is that the
sounds of evil robot drones?
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
This wasn't in the video!
What is happening?
And why are we
on La-Z-Boy chairs?
Pleather makes me rashy.
See, this is why
you live unplugged.
Everyone close your eyes
and repeat after me.
"I am in my body.
I am in my body. I am --"
[SCREAMS]
A quick brain scan told me
that she was annoying.
I merely stunned her
into a sleep-like state.
Josh Singleton, you have
violated the lease agreement
by hacking Brainio
and bypassing the commercials.
Josh, what is he talking about?
Candice and I changed his code
to make Candice
get all the answers right.
What?!
Since you tried beating the system,
you'll pay the price
by watching commercials forever!
That's inhuman!
Yeah! Streaming got rid
of commercials,
and I do not want to go back
to the dark ages.
I should of never gotten her
that robot tutor.
We should've just pushed her
towards sports.
Candice, what are you doing?
Proving I'm not dumb!
Ah, no matter,
I'm password protected.
You'll never guess my --
[BEEPING]
Uh, guys, there are a lot
of buttons with letters on them.
Find the one that says
"self-destruct," sweetie.
Uhh
- Just reading about self-esteem.
- Self
A, B, C, D, E, F, G. D
Hey, my Estruct T-shirt
just came in the mail.
Not sure what it means,
but I like it.
Self-destruct.
Self destruct!
[ALARM BLARING]
No!
Ironically, I am proud of her!
[♪♪♪]
To Candice.
Our smart little girl.
I'm proud of this one, too.
Three hours without
checking her phone once.
How about it?
[SIGHS] Yeah, it died,
and I can't find any plugs.
[LAUGHS]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Uh-oh.
Uh hi, Mr. Salt.
Hi, Emily.
I'm just calling to see
how you're enjoying the condo.
[LAUGHING]
Oh.
Yeah, it's such
a beautiful place.
Aw, that's great to hear.
So, uh, where is it?
ALEX: But every time that boulder
got to the top of the mountain,
it rolled back down.
LEE: Yeah, that's right, girl.
Uh, we'll go
to the cemetery later.
Um, they're playing that movie
"Goonies," right?
So we can hook up
on my nana's grave.
It'll be so romantic.
Lee, I told you --
you can't be on the phone!
It's called grave throbbing.
Lee!
Wait, hold up, girl.
Yo, what's up, Dorp?
It's "Professor Dorpenberger."
Oh, sorry, Dorp.
Hey, can you throw this
in the trash for me?
Um, I got a boner right now,
so it's, like I don't want
anybody to see it --
unless you want me to.
Lee, I am legally
not allowed to hit you.
Okay.
I am dead inside.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
DANTE: People are starving
all over the world,
and this dude is getting
a TV installed on his yacht?
America is so cool.
Hey, just come on up, guys!
[LAUGHS]
Josh Singleton?!
Uh yeah?
Dude, Josh!
It's me -- Keith Nash!
Nash Man Games?
No way!
I haven't seen you since
you sold your game "Heli Man"
and became heli-rich.
We just sold 100 million copies
of our latest app,
got voted best video game
company of the year,
[SINGSONG VOICE] and check out
who made the cover!
[NORMAL VOICE]
No retouching at all.
Back in the day,
we used to worship this guy.
What guy?
This guy?
His game "Dudeman"
was the shizz!
How much you sell that baby for?
You know, it's not finished.
It might never be finished.
Artist!
Dude, I love it!
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Look, I better take off.
I'm doing this sold-out
keynote speech at E3.
[SNORTS]
Did it last year.
Well, anyway, thanks
for plugging in my TV!
Just make sure to lock up
when you're done!
I think this is actually
pretty retouched.
[LAUGHTER]
[GRUNTS]
And these 90-degree angles
should get you to remember
the Pythagorean theorem!
[GRUNTING]
[CHEERING]
Oh, my God. She just makes me
want to learn.
Wow.
That was amazing.
Yeah, I can't feel my arms,
but at least my students
are learning math.
I can't get my students to
pay attention to a word I say.
Kids today need a gimmick,
or you won't
break through to them.
[♪♪♪]
I guess when I taught at UCLA,
the students loved
my special lecture
as Professor Dorpen-Borat.
[EUROPEAN ACCENT]
Joan of Arc was hot.
She burned at stake.
Wah, wah, wee, wah!
My buddy's a professor at Yale,
and he changed his class
to Stunting Through History --
ditched his whole curriculum
for stunts.
[CHUCKLES]
You do what you got to do.
Hmm.
ALEX: So, Icarus took
the handmade wings
and, ignoring
his father's sound advice,
flew towards the sun --
just as I will now fly
across these two buildings.
Hey, that's
a pretty long jump, Dorp.
I hope you have insurance.
I don't need insurance.
[CHUCKLES]
[WHISPERING]
But I kind of wish I had it.
Hey, what's the holdup, Dorp?
Are you doing this or not?
Oh, I'm doing this.
I'm so doing this.
And you
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
will be
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
engaaaaaaaged!
[SIGHS]
Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Oh! Whoa! Aaah! Ooh!
Aaaaaaah!
Ungh! Aaaaaaaaaah!
[SIRENS WAILING]
[ALEX GROANING]
Shh, shh, shh. It's okay.
That's okay.
Yo, Dorp, what's your Instagram,
so I can tag you?
[♪♪♪]
NASH: His game "Dudeman"
was the shizz!
[ECHOING]
Shizz!
[♪♪♪]
[COMPUTER WHIRS]
[BEEP]
D-- D-- Dudeman!
Pfft. Of course.
[♪♪♪]
D-- D-- Dude--
[♪♪♪]
D-- D-- Dude--
Ugh!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[DISTORTED]
Dudeman.
Ugh!
Hey, bro.
Long time, no see.
What the
Where you been, bud?
Why'd you bail on me?
I didn't bail!
Dude!
You were so close!
[♪♪♪]
JOSH: Yeah, but don't you
remember the presentation?
I give you "Dudeman"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
D-- D-- Dudeman!
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS, SKIPPING]
This game isn't even finished?
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Uh, that's not supposed to --
Hang on.
Oh, man!
Boo!
Let's go check out
"Helicopter Man"
or whatever
that one game was called.
[THUD ECHOES]
It was the worst moment
of my life.
Come on, bro!
[BLIPPING]
It's time you finally
finished this game!
Yeah, but I don't know
what to do for the last level.
That's because
you're all old now.
If you want to come up
with better ideas,
you got to get in touch
with your 20-year-old self.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE REVS]
Bodacious!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
ALEX: Ahh! Thanks for
introducing me to your friend.
One of my students
posted this video on Instagram,
and it's humiliating.
Ungh! Aaaaaaaaaah!
The Internet has made us
all ruthless animals.
Hold up!
Oh, right.
Mm-hmm.
Good to go.
Ooooh! Ugh!
Whoo!
Ugh! [GROANS]
What a rush!
There she is.
She was married to the greatest
stuntman of all time.
Genevieve?
Well, well, well.
You got a lot of nerve
showing up here
after keeping
our security deposit.
Uh
Oh, my God!
[BOTH LAUGH]
We used to do that bit
all the time at the apartment.
I miss those days.
You must be Alex.
Eh, yeah.
I heard you need some help
with a stunt.
Follow me.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
Josh?
[♪♪♪]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[BELCHES]
Josh!
What did you do?!
[CHUCKLES]
I did everything --
partying, skating,
and doing the 'do!
Remember how cool these were?
No one remembers that, Josh!
Why are you doing this?
I'm just trying to finish
my old game, "Dudeman"!
"Dudeman"?! That's why
you've been out all night?!
Haven't you ever wondered
what our lives would be like
if I hadn't given up?
Well, as soon as
I'm a little less wasted,
we're gonna find out!
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
GENEVIEVE: This is the stunt library.
Every great stunt ever performed
is immortalized in these walls.
ALEX: "The Joys
of Almost Dying"?
"Circumcision by Fire"?
"100 Word Jumbles"?
That shouldn't be in here.
Whoa!
Interesting choice.
That stunt
began in ancient Egypt
with a man trying to get
the attention of a handmaiden.
The French had their spin on it,
the Chinese after them,
and so on.
What's it called?
The Widow Maker.
[♪♪♪]
We all want eyes on us,
but if we're reckless,
it comes with a huge price.
No, no, no.
You're right.
JK! I'll do it!
[LAUGHS]
Wait! I was trying to
talk you out of it, you idiot!
[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE IDLING]
Well, congratulations, dummy.
You got a PhD from Stanford
so you could die
doing this stunt
for some
community college dum-dums
who threw a paper at you.
Okay!
So, today, we're learning
about the greatest widow maker
of all -- Zeus!
Dorp!
Man, don't do it.
I thought you guys wanted this.
I mean, we love
seeing dudes do stupid shit,
but you're our boy, Dorp.
I'm your boy?
It's like that dude Sisyphus.
He kept trying to push
that car up the mountain,
but he couldn't handle it,
and he quit.
Eh, technically,
Sisyphus couldn't quit.
But you know what?
You got most of it.
Well, check this out, Dorp.
You're our Sisyphus.
Wah, wah, wee, wah.
You know, it's kind of --
[ENGINE REVS]
Whoa!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoooa!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Ugh!
[GRUNTING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Dorp!
What is it, Lee?
I'm-a post this right quick.
[GRUNTING]
[STRAINED]
Go for it, man.
Ohh! So, there's not
gonna be any stunts?!
[ENGINE REVS]
Who wants to see me drop-kick
this jump in the dick?!
Uh-oh.
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING, ENGINE REVS]
Josh! Buddy!
You maybe want to consider
not doing this?
Consider this!
Whoo-hoo!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Okay.
That is pretty cool.
Josh! Stop!
Dad!
Ramirez!
We should go grab a drink
after I crush this stunt!
Josh, get off that thing!
You're gonna kill yourself!
I'm not getting off!
I don't want to be
a failure anymore.
What?!
You're not a failure.
Psh! Current-day you
is a total failure!
Unless you finally
finish your game!
[ENGINE REVS]
Josh! Look at me.
You're not a failure.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]
Oooooooh ♪
Oooooooo-o-oh ♪
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I guess I thought
this was the only way
that I could fulfill my dream,
but dreams change.
What?! No!
We want the fame, the fortune,
the cover of the magazine!
Aah!
Ugh!
[GROANING]
Stop it!
What the hell?
Ugh! Ow!
I'm not going back
to that hard drive!
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
This is it!
This should be
the last level of the game!
No way!
Game over, Dudeman.
No! Wait!
I'd rather hang out
with my family!
Ugh!
Nooooooooo!
Hwuah-ah-ah!
"F" you, Josh!
"F" yoooooou
[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Yeah!
We're gonna
talk about this later!
[ALL GASP]
Like Icarus,
that dude flew
way too close to the Sun.
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Aw!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]