Cockroaches (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Morning! Morning! Ben? Your duty's over, Ben.
Ben? Ben? Hubba hubba! Who says, "Hubba hubba?" Sorry, I don't have a great track record with the ladies.
Which makes you and your .
.
apparent interest in me doubly unbelievable.
Oh, this is a trap, isn't it? Yeah.
Stop talking out loud, Grahame.
Always doing that.
Argh! It's Spectrum! Argh! The foraging team have been gone three weeks now.
Hence my invention, a high-tech homing beacon.
You and Stevie spent, like, one night together.
And you're not afraid of looking just a tiny bit desperate? Oh, what's that on my sleeve, Susan? Well, lookie here, it's my heart.
And I'm happy to keep it there.
What's took 'em so long, anyway? Oh, I gave Stevie a little mission on the side.
Strictly need to know.
Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Hey, Stevie! Steven Giggles! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie's back.
We found this fella on the road.
No sign of the killer.
All right, Stevie? I missed you, mate.
I missed you too.
Yep, he's dead.
Tragic.
Stillpeckish? I thought you weren't a cannibal no more.
We talked about it, remember? Can't you see I'm trying? You've got a heart of stone.
This is all flesh and blood.
OK, wrong choice of words.
And I thought you understood me.
I do! Stevie! Wait there! Stevie! I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day.
Listen, Tom, before they get here Who? Susannah! Mum! Shit! Suze, I love your mum.
You know I do.
It's just I did kind of spend winter on that road, drinking my own urine, to get away from her.
Darling, it's wonderful! Your daddy would have loved it.
Too bad his new wife's busy milking him into a turkey baster.
Which totally makes sense to mention.
How are you coping, Mum? I'll let you be the judge.
Whoa! Badly.
They drive my new man crazy.
You remember your old PE teacher? Mr Probert? That American sex pest? Hey, Mr Probert was OK.
Once, when we were swimming, he saved me from drowning.
The flipside of that is: what were you doing in his Jacuzzi? Pete? Pete, darling? Here they are, Susie and Tim! Damn, she's all grown up.
ErMr Probert.
You look Good? Yeah, sure.
Mm.
I lost a few pounds.
The nuclear holocaust has been good to me.
Uh-uh! Come to Mama! Mum? Mother? So this is your? Lover? Fancy-man? Hound dog? So, your boyfriend? Whoa! Don't use the B word! This gangbanger and me swing harder than my big balls in the breeze, baby.
Hence my fellow swingers.
Still sexy.
I'm the Pied Piper of Poontang.
Spreading the love.
Ohh! I think something inside of me just ran itself an acid bath.
I'd finished my teaching exchange and I was this close to being back with my beautiful president.
Back where cellulite is some kind of European myth, like philosophy.
Then Judgment Day comes and I'm trapped in hell with all you faggy, mumbling, cartoon queefs.
By which you mean the British.
Exhibit A.
This is nice.
Yeah, it feels like a lifetime since we were trapped in a tiny basement together.
Oh, Suze, guess who we saw on our way here.
Ex-boyfriend of yours.
Oscar? Oscar? No, no, no, no, no.
Nice boy.
Tall.
I don't remember anybody.
Yes, yes, you do.
You were very smitten.
I taught him for sure.
David? David was not a gentleman.
He couldn't keep his hands off you.
Chris, was it? Sam? Ben! One of the Bens.
One of the Bens? Ben Ford.
Ben Clark, maybe? Go away, he was barely a boyfriend.
I can't keep up.
Clearly.
Ben Taylor! That was it.
Oh, right.
Erhow is he? He's dead.
Yes, found him by the side of road, his head was stuck on a spike.
It's these "youths".
Broken homes, broken Britain.
Look at your brother Barney.
Mr Moody.
He keeps going on about death.
He just needs some fresh air is all.
Hup, hup, hup! Ow! Get off.
Stop it.
Tom organises games for the kids.
They love it.
Maybe Barney Pop your pinny on, Tim, I'll handle gym class.
After all, I was your "Games Master".
Oooh! I only had one Games Master, Sir Patrick Moore, and that great man is dead.
Plus, I can teach PE standing on my head.
Don't be ridiculous.
Laura, your pop was the only kid in his grade who couldn't do a hand stand.
And we had a kid in a wheelchair.
She was pretty messed up, but she always wiped her ass with this fella.
I give you dodgeball.
Technically, it's dodge-rock.
And it gets better.
Tomorrow: two teams, one destiny.
It's our very own Super Bowl.
How did you ever survive in school? If I'd been in your class, I would have torn you a new asshole every day of the week, plus weekends and public holidays.
I would have served your own assholes up to you by the dozens, like your life was one long, humiliating trip to Dunkin' Donuts.
Well, if you could fantasise at length about my arsehole somewhere else, I'm giving a PE lesson.
This must bring back a lot of memories of being a clumsy, blind coward twice a week for ten years.
I'm not clumsy, I'm not blind, and I'm not a coward.
Dad? Dodge this! Agh! Jesus Christ, Laura! Agh! I could be so mean to you right now, youHobbit.
I hate you! And this isn't over.
I'm the only sportsman around here.
Agh! Laura, come back! Laura? Thank you, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! Agh! You're the first human being I've seen in three fucking years.
I thought I was the last person on earth.
So I made a deal with God.
The first man I saw, I would instantly make him get me pregnant.
Adam and Eve shit.
Then I got paranoid, cos can you imagine if Adam and Eve didn't fancy each other? Adam's, like, "Erso, are we gonna" And Eve's, like, "You're not my type.
" Adam's, like, "We have to at some point.
" Eve's, like, "Stop doing that.
We have nothing in common.
" Adam's, like, "What are you talking about? You're made from my rib.
" Eve: "Great, you can suck your own cock.
" Adam: "We have to get up on each other for the sake of humanity.
" How can you not fuck after that? I'm Ash.
Can you get off my boyfriend? Hey.
How did that get there? This is Stuart.
Hi, Stu.
We really don't mind.
Voila.
Thank you.
Wow! This is great! Thank you, Tom, you're my hero.
Wow, you're shiny.
Are these shorts too much? Honestly? Too much, too little.
Sure you're not cold? Please, Suze.
I envy you.
I'm loving this whole feminist thing.
I never said I envied you, but whatever.
Drag? No.
Loving the whole anti-cancer thing.
Oh, you're right.
God, I've missed having a mother figure around.
Not that you're mumsy, more like a sister.
An older sister, wise.
Owlish.
Hug? Tom? Outside.
Tom! Right, I've been thinking.
One person's dead, another's missing.
Who's responsible for that? Spectrum? But what if the killer's here? A new face, perhaps? A stranger.
You think Ash? We don't know anything about her, where she came from, who she is, how the hell she shaves her legs.
Look, Ash is just a woman who's young and fitting in with us and you're untolerant of that.
Intolerant.
I'm intolerant.
Well, at least you're honest.
I've got my eye on her.
So do I.
You know what I mean.
Shake it, guys and girls.
Yeah, yeah.
Find a chair, find a chair! Whoo! All right, Barney? The red team need a defensive midfielder with a deep bounce in their locker.
Back to the wall, Barney.
I thought this was dodgeball.
It was, until Zorbotron sprained his wrist.
His parents were furious.
'Ere, Zorbo! Snitches live in ditches.
So I invented a new sport.
Have you ever done that? No, thought not.
So you invented musical chairs? I'll take it from here, Tim.
No chance.
All right, how about this? I'll coach the greens.
You coach the reds.
If I win, these kids' asses belong to me.
Fine.
And if I win, you leave the camp.
Deal bitch.
Sure it's OK for me to stay here? Of course.
What are you talking about? I saw Laura.
She called me a home-wrecker.
I guess it's a word she must have heard from somewhere.
Oh, she's always cracking jokes.
Chip off the old block.
Ohh! Ladies and gentlemen, those who are about to swing, we salute you! Come on! I have got to get this douche out of my life.
Wanna talk tactics at my place? I've got more cigarettes.
Yeah, yeah.
Tactics.
Just tactics.
Formations, false nines, scrummages.
President of Lego Land! Ha ha! As I said at Margaret Thatcher's funeral, "Shaggers and bitches, unite!" Prime Minister, you are a naughty boy! You're damned right, sugar tits.
I'm just bananas for cooch! Oh, I haven't had this much fun since I dismantled the welfare state, brick by fucking brick.
Do you think people can fall in love at first sight? I mean, you and Pete, how did you Well, I remember we were by this lake, and Pete undid my shoes and threw them into the lake.
Wait, so he took off your shoes and Plonked them into the lake.
Luckily, they were Crocs, so no harm done.
Mum, this sounds a lot like a Kate Bush song.
I think I remember falling in love.
OK, in this memory, do you get chased by a pack of hounds? You've heard this story before? Yes.
From Kate Bush.
What's the matter, Suze? I'm a survivor, Mum.
I can build shelters, start fires, poo discretely.
But how do I make a relationship survive? Right, you know this swinging business? It's tricky.
If this is about orgy etiquette, I'll feed myself to a pack of cannibals.
Oh, Suze, you don't actually think I'm a swinger? I saw you snog the Prime Minister.
Pete is having a massive mid-life crisis.
I'm just riding the storm.
But how can you do that? To keep him.
So there's no hope, basically? Listen if you really love Tom, don't let anybody come between you.
What's going on? You're coming with us.
Our homeland security is under threat by known knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns, so unknown that we don't even know we know that we don't know we know we don't know what anything means.
Hm? Any questions? Where did you get a gimp mask? A man was murdered yesterday.
And I'm sorry for your Loss? Why? Why am I sorry? Why did they die? Mind if I smoke? No.
Did you do a little wee? No.
A tiny one? Like a thimbleful.
Is this some sort of mind game? Yeah, yeah, that's it.
I'm messing with you.
This is good cop, shit cop.
Where's creepy cop gone? What do you call that? Twerking? No, we don't twerk on this team.
I'm making it rain, baby.
Give me some juice.
Laura, I need you to focus.
I'm not playing.
Look, I was wrong to shout at you and I'm sorry.
Mates again? Yeah.
Sit! Jesus Christ, Barney! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, hey, Pete, let's time out.
If Barney doesn't want to play Life is a game, Tim.
And this game has no rules.
So it's not really a game? I'm gonna crush you, you japing, Dickens-y dog turd.
I don't think so, pal.
Cos I can beat you .
.
standing on my head.
Who's ridiculous now? Hi, Tom.
Agh! We need to put you in clogs.
It's Suze.
She's gone too far.
So what happened last night, hm? Is this about Tom? This is about a murder.
Which is why I need to know exactly what happened last night.
We just chatted.
A man is lying dead with an arrow in his back.
So we need to know Was there any petting? Or, you know, was it one of those really hot slow-builds? Are we getting a bit off-topic? Suze, I promise.
Nothing happened between me and Tom.
OK, hold her down.
Susan! What? What are you doing? What's it look like? I am waterboarding her.
Outside.
You think I'm jealous of you and Ash? Oh, please! She's a total babe! Do you really think she'd fall head-over-heels in love with you at first sight? No! Look, you feel like Ash is your rival, like she's threatening you.
But just cos you feel something, doesn't make it true.
Listen to you doing your impression of an adult! God! You're pleased! You love that she likes you.
She doesn't like me like me.
Does she? OK, maybe a little bit.
Stop smiling! You're so shallow! Here we go.
I'm so this, I'm so that.
I spend my life getting shat on trying to live up to your expectations.
I'll tell you something, I wouldn't get this from Who? No, go on.
Who? Ash.
Ow! Ow! Susan! Cathy, I refuse to die of boredom.
I am not boring.
You're not gripping.
He wants me to take this.
Since when did you have cocaine? 1999, my brother's bachelor party.
I made sure Hunter crashed out of singledom on a blaze of candy-coated bazongas.
Blurrggh! I am not taking cocaine.
It's irresponsible.
It's meant to be irresponsible! Suze, tell her, drugs can be fun.
Susannah has not taken drugs.
Yes, I have not taken drugs.
But I hear that they can be quite pleasantly great.
I thought we could do it and make love with the Prime Minister.
You are making me incredibly unhappy, Pete.
Cathy No! No, I'm not going to share you any longer.
You've got to choose.
It's either swinging or me.
Oh, Cathy.
I've come home.
Probert? It's time.
One, two, three, four.
# I've got to get through this Let's do this, guys.
# I gotta make it, gonna make it, gonna make it through # Said I'm gonna get through this, I've gotta get through this # I'm gonna take my, gonna take my Go on, Laura! # Give me just a second, then I'll be all right # Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart # Give me till tomorrow then I'll be OK # Just another day and then I'll hold you tight # When your love is pouring like the rain # I close my eyes and it's gone again # When will I get the chance to say I love you? Go on, Laura! Go on! Go on! Oh! Unlucky, Laura! This is it.
Mano a mano.
I'm taking your ass down.
Shut up and dance.
# I gotta get through this # I gotta get through this # I gotta make it, gonna make it, gonna make it through # Said I'm gonna get through this # I'm gonna get through this # I gotta take, gotta take my mind off of you # Give me just a second and I'll be all right # Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart # Give me till tomorrow, then I'll be OK # Just another day and then I'll hold you tight You're gonna get so much pussy.
What was she saying? Oh, umcongrats.
It was nothing.
Well, well done.
Thank you.
Well, see you guys.
I guess the love caravan is rollin' on.
You don't have to leave.
Just don't be such a colossal prick.
Don't worry, we're going on a spa break, rebuild our relationship.
The nukes tore open the earth around Billericay.
Cue hot springs and a shitload of magma.
I'm happy for you, Mum.
You're a natural athlete, Tim.
So fast.
And you have this innate wonderful rhythm.
I'm gonna take all of that at face value.
Wait, wait, wait.
What am I doing? I'm sorry, Ash, I I can't do this.
I just can't.
Everybody wants to get to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
OK, that's suitably weird.
What the f? Eugh.
What's happening? What the f Laura! Laura! Run! I'm the Prime Minister! Laura! Laura, run! I'm a friend of democracy! Tom! What are you protecting? There's nothing here that Tom wasn't willing to throw away just like that all for one kiss.
Who are you? You call us Spectrum.
Oh, oh! Aagh! Surrender or die.
You've got a week to decide.
As a dead man once said, "Shaggers and bitches, unite!" # I see a bad moon rising # I see trouble on the way # Don't go around tonight # Well, it's bound to take your life # There's a bad moon on the rise There's a bad moon on the rise Subtitle by Deluxe