Code Monkeys (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- And so the world is
finally ready to comprehend
the genius that is
"Gargoyles vs. Cyborgs."
In conclusion,
congratulations to me
on GameAVision's latest hit.
You are welcome.
- Boy, you're more useless than
a hooker at a queer convention!
- Huh. A dance as old
as time itself:
you the wily old king,
I the brave, slender
young knight.
- Anybody know what the half-wit
with the horns is yappin' about?
- Uh, sir, Todd wants
to make out with you.
- Dave! You better keep
your pie hole shut!
This ain't a game we're
playin', fellas,
except that it is, but instead
of scorin' baskets,
you got to make money
to win this game.
Now, you guys better score me
some money baskets,
or else I'll get some big
black fellas in here who can.
Am I clear?
- I have some ideas.
- Not now, woman!
I'm teachin'!
- But I think my new game
could be great.
It's called "Space Marines."
See, you play a super soldier
in a gigantic space station,
and you battle an alliance
of aliens and super parasites
that want to eat your brain.
- I love it, Dave!
Make it happen, A-double-S-A-P.
- What do you mean, Dave?
- What's that, sweet cheeks?
- I mean, that's my idea.
- That's cute!
- Hey, everybody, she thinks
she made a video game.
- I know.
Such an active imagination.
The next thing she wants
to do is probably, like,
vote or something like that.
Heh heh heh heh!
Don't be selfish, Mary.
This is really big for me.
I just need you to be cool
for once in your life.
- [Crying]
- Womens just can't hold
their water, right, fellas?
[Video game music playing]
- [Sobs]
Oh!
Mother-[bleep] men,
with their [bleep] ideas
that they can shove
right up their--
- Oh, bad word, lady.
Why you going all cuckoo?
- You wouldn't understand.
You were born with a penis.
- No, no, lady.
I think I am knowing.
This old boys' club here,
and you and me don't have
one card to get in.
- Exactly, my little friend,
exactly.
- Before Grandfather die,
he say,
"If you make kimchee look
like bi bim bop,
"people will think kimchee
is bi bim bop."
- I think I understand.
Thanks, Benny.
I know just what to do.
- Oh, yeah. You're gonna like
the way you look.
Snap into a dress shirt.
Come on, lady! How long's it
take to put pants on?
- Lady?
Who you callin' "lady"?
Say good-bye to Mary
and hello to Mitch.
- What you do with
the lady, Mitch?
- I am Mary.
- Oh, ho ho ho ho!
You are one
handsome dude, lady!
I mean, Mitch.
- Yay! Ahem. I mean,
uh, whatever, yay.
[Video game music playing]
- Um, hello, beautiful.
My name'sMitch.
I--I wonder if you might
point me in the direction
of Mr. Larrity
because, you see, I've never
been here before. Heh heh!
- I'd be happy to point
the way, Mitch. I'm Clare.
Your leather jacket
is really cool.
- Thanks. I may program
for a living,
but I live to breakdance.
- Wow.
Sensitive and a dancer.
Maybe you could buy me dinner
and tell me more.
- Watch out, man.
This prude won't go
downtown till the 14th date.
- Shut up!
- Clare, I'm a busy man.
Busy with man things,
so if Mr. Larrity's available,
I'd really like--
- Fine. Why aren't you
flirting with me?
Guys usually flirt with me.
- Oh, well, because I
respect you.
You're a lady, Clare,
not a piece of meat.
[Romantic flourish plays]
- So this game, "Space Marines,"
part of the lame farm.
But guess what.
I have an awesome new video game
that I have invented,
and I call it
"Cobras vs. Chimps."
- Oh, my God!
Look at that!
- Good day, gentlemen.
My name is Mitch.
I'm Mary's brother, and I'm
afraid I have some bad news.
Mary's dead.
- Yeah, I think "Chimps and
Cobras" is a guaranteed hit.
- Did you hear what
this guy said, Dave?
Mary is gone.
- Yes, she's gone.
She died a hero.
- Oh, my gosh! Is Mary the one
with the nice hooters?
- If, by nice, you mean
miniscule, then yes.
- What is wrong with you guys?
Our talented, smart,
beautiful Mary is gone!
[Chimp screeching]
- Shouldn't you separate them?
- You know what?
I'm sure they'll work it out.
- Well, then, Mitch,
what can we do you for?
- Sir, Mary's dying wish was
that I come to GameAVision
and continue her life's work.
- I don't know about that. Heh!
We do some pretty complicated
stuff here at GameAVision.
You know how I got where I
am today, Mitch?
Instinct and marryin'
rich women.
What I'm sayin' is
you're hired.
Dave, Jerry, help this stallion
get comfy in the hay.
- Wait. That doesn't mean
have sex with him, right?
- Git gittin', y'all!
[Monkey screeches]
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, Mitch, did your sister
ever tell you that Jerry
wanted to bang--
- What the hell, man?
- Hi, Mitch.
Just wanted to see if I
could get you anything.
- I'll take a chocolate
milkshake extra thick,
and you can take
a vanilla Dave extra quick.
- Creep! I deserve
to be treated like a lady!
- Ah, Clare sucks.
- But sucking is
my favorite thing
about women. Get it?
I said I like it when they suck.
Give me a high-five on that one.
- Whoa!
- Ha ha ha!
Look at the gay lovers.
- Uh, heh!
I better go get
some work done.
- Yeah, I'm gonna take a lap
and check out the local talent.
- Hey, do you think there's
anything kinda off
about that guy?
- [Sighs]
He's definitely not like
anybody I've ever known.
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Ahoy, Mitchell.
Sire, prithee,
I beg you to join me.
I bet you're tired of those
heathens Jerry and Dave, huh?
Between us, Jerry's
a complete waste of space,
and Dave is high on marijuana.
He calls it medicine.
- So what you're saying is
this place is really
gonna miss Mary.
- Completely incorrect.
Mary was nice enough,
but not that talented.
- Not that talented?!
Ahem. You are
completely right. Heh!
But you can't blame Mary.
After all, she's just a chick.
They're only good
for two things.
- Do tell me what
these two things are.
- Cleaning and babies?
- Ah, too true!
Fat, simple creatures
with small brains.
- I read that their brains are
the same size as dogs'.
- Ah, a fellow reader
of the "Journal of Animal
and Women Sciences."
You know, Mitchell, you're
the first person
around here
who really gets me.
I suggest we declare
ourselves best friends.
What say you, good sir?
- Wonderful.
- Then it's settled.
Let us forge this pact
with our new best-pal handshake.
- How's that go?
- Let me show you.
I created this handshake
when I was 7,
and I've waited decades to find
a friend so I could unveil it.
And shake around the corner,
take the dog back out,
walk it back in, thumb up,
pinkie down,
swear upon the pinkie,
ring finger back up,
and float it down
with the butterfly.
Bing bong, open the door,
the church has let out,
and slap it around.
There, we're best friends.
- Wow.
- Yeah, I knew you'd like it.
Now it's time
for best pals to share
their deepest secrets.
Let me introduce you
to Betsy SK 4000,
the star of my pet project,
"Gargoyles vs. Cyborgs."
Is she or is she not
the hottest creature in this
or any other galaxy?
- Yeah, that's one hot
robot lady.
- [Snorts]
Now! Ngah-ngah!
- What are you doing,
you disgusting pervert?!
Uh, that's
a compliment, dude.
Who doesn't love rubbing
their thingie to video games?
Then, by all means, join me,
my newfound friend.
It's not gay if we don't
make eye contact.
- Thanks. Yeah.
I--I wish I could,
but I just ate, and I got
to wait 30 minutes, you know,
my trainer says, so I'm gonna
let you get back to it,
and I'm gonna go.
- Uh, wait!
Uh, you want to do
the handshake?
- Yeah, I'm good.
[Video game music playing]
- Mitch, my boy, you
have got a gift.
- Oh, my God!
Dave Jaffe!
- Hello, Dave Jaffe.
- Mr. Larrity, I'm really
excited to start work
for GameAVision.
Change of plans, kid.
I decided to hire
Mitch here instead.
He's a man of experience.
- You're firing me, before I
get a chance to start?
- Yep, you got it, Jaffe.
- But I've got this great idea
for this game.
It's called "God of War."
Dude, Mr. Larrity, dude,
dude, this is the best.
"God of War." OK, so you
play this guy, right?
And he kills his family,
and then he wears their skin
on his body and--and he kills
all these monsters,
and then he gets to have sex.
This is the best game you
have ever heard of.
It is going to put GameAVision
on the [bleep] map.
- Eh, we already got ourselves
a war game in construction.
Nice try.
- But, sir, it's Dave Jaffe,
child prodigy and--
- Yeah, I'm [bleep]
Dave Jaffe.
- Thanks for comin' by, Jaffe.
Clare'll validate your parkin'
on your way out.
- But my mom's not picking me up
for a half-hour.
- Like I said, Mitch,
you have got a gift
like I ain't ne'er seen.
- Aah
- You a drinkin' man?
- No, I love wine coolers.
I mean, I love giving
the babes wine coolers.
- You old dog, you.
Heh heh!
I myself am a whiskey man.
One time, I was so drunk
on whiskey,
I ran right over a moose!
Now, it was a small moose,
mind you, in a yellow T-shirt.
Damn thing kept yelling,
"Help me, help me!
I'm just a little boy!"
but I was so drunk,
I just left that talkin' moose
layin' on the side of the road.
- Wow, that's just what I
would have done.
- Aw, Mitch, you're just
like a young me!
Clare, get in here!
- Hi, Mitch.
- I need you to take a memo.
Attention, GameAVision
employees. Stop.
We gonna have ourselves
a hoedown.
Stop. Tonight at
The Branded Calf. Stop.
In honor of our new
shinin' star, Mitch. Stop.
- I think that's
a wonderful idea.
I'd be happy to give you
a ride, Mitch.
- Thank you, Clare.
- I'd like to give her a ride,
if you know what I mean.
I mean I want
to have sex with her.
Give me a high-five
on that one.
- Yee-ha!
Oh, I'm drenched
in whiskey!
- Sorry about that.
- Not a worry.
I'll get cleaned up
in the shower.
- There are showers here?
- Yeah, but only for the fellas,
so don't let the girlies know.
Let's hit it.
[Clucks]
[Video game music playing]
- Take off
them skivvies, Jerry.
Real men shower
together naked.
We don't want Mitch thinkin'
we're a bunch of freaks
now, do we?
Where is Mitch?
Mitch!
Where you at, boy?
- Hey, dudes.
- Strip down and get
your ass in here.
We got to get pretty for
the girlies tonight.
- Yeah, I'm gonna take a pass.
- Wait a minute.
[Gulps]
Group showers are optional?
[Spits] I'm outta here.
- Keep quiet, fattie!
If you don't,
I'm gonna stick somethin'
in that mouth of yours
to shut you up!
- Yeah, that sounded gay
even if I weren't nude.
- Now, Mitch, heh!
Why can't you join us?
- Uh, because it reminds me
too much of, uh, prison.
- Wait, you were in prison?
- Yeah.
I did a stretch
for killin' a man.
- Badass, bro.
- I was wrongly convicted.
See, I was a Navy SEAL.
- Yeah!
- Wow.
- And these punks were
harassing my lady,
so I told 'em to back off.
- I'd have said it, too, buddy.
- And they pulled out knives.
- No!
- So I had to use
the palm of my hand
to shove their noses
into their brains.
- My gosh.
- Yee-ha!
- I stood up for my lady,
and it earned me
7 long years in Folsom.
I'd rather not relive
my time in the joint.
- Fair enough, Mitch.
You know what I like about ya?
Ya got sack, even if I
don't get to see it. Heh!
I want you to be in charge
of Dave's space game thingie.
- Wow.
Thanks, Mr. Larrity.
- What the hell's going on here?
That's my game.
- Congratulations, Mitch.
Uh, hey,
do you want to sit next
to me at the party?
- Yeah, let's play it by ear.
- Jerry, what the [bleep]
is that?
- Uh, I think it's 'cause I--
maybe I have a cold,
which is, uh, becau--you know,
it causes stuff to happen
down there, which is--
it's totally normal.
I gotta go.
[Video game music playing]
- I'm tellin' ya,
this Mitch is
a real man's man.
I saw a tattoo
on his forearm.
It was the seal of
the Foreign Legion.
- I hear he won
the Heisman Trophy twice.
- Bros, I heard he killed
an elephant with his bare hands!
- So, Larrity asked you
to oversee my game,
"Cobras vs. Chimps," huh?
- Dave, you stole my game!
I mean, my sister's game,
if I heard correctly.
- Mary'd thank me if she
weren't dead.
- Dave, be a little
more sensitive.
Mitch just lost
a loved one.
- You know, I worked
with Mary for years,
but she never mentioned
a brother.
- We weren't that close.
- Yeah, but then she asked you
to fill in at her job?
- We made up right
before she died.
- That must have been special.
I wish I was there.
- Hi, Mitch.
Would you like to
buy me a drink?
- Whoa, Clare, I had no idea
you were a hooker.
- Jerk!
- It would be
my pleasure, Clare.
Later, dudes.
- You know, Mitch could
teach you animals a thing
or two about how to
treat a classy lady.
It's the eighties!
- Darn it!
- Listen, man, I'm telling you,
something about this guy
does not add up, and I'd
appreciate your help in--
Jer-Jerry?
[Video game music playing]
[Ostrich squawks]
[Smooching]
- Ooh. Uhh!
- Wait, what's wrong
with you, dude?
Are you telling me you actually
like this douchebag?
- Maybe you're the douchebag,
Dave. [Giggles]
- Mmm.
[Slurps]
- Hey, Clarence,
when did you realize you
were super-duper gay?
- I kissed a man,
his name was Stan ♪
And somethin's happenin'
in my pants ♪
- Can I tell you something
in confidence?
- Your secret's safe
with me, Jerry ♪
I won't tell Dave
or Clare or Mary ♪
- Well, I've always liked women,
but lately, I think I'm
falling in love with--
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Hello, Mitchell?
Tip, tip. Is that you in there?
- Todd?
- Why are you peeing sitting
down? I mean, I do, but--
- Um, no, just, uh,
touching myself.
- Cool. You have a tampon
wrapper stuck to your shoe.
- Yes, I do.
It's, uh, probably from when I
was in the ladies' room,
making out with a hot chick.
She wanted to make out in there,
so we totally did.
Heh! Can you believe that? Heh!
- Mitchell, I need
to ask you a question,
best pal to best pal.
- Shoot.
- Are you trying to usurp me?
- Um, what gave you
that idea?
- Before you got here,
people freely acknowledged
that I was the best programmer
at GameAVision,
probably in the whole world!
[Sniffles]
The others looked
to me for guidance.
I was their Obi-Wan.
- Is that so?
- Now that you're around,
it's as if, all of a sudden,
I've be--I've become nothing
but a C3PO!
- They really think I'm
the best programmer?
That's amazing, but, hey,
C3PO is important, too.
Everybody needs
comic relief, right?
- Threaten my rightful place,
will you?
I'm afraid that's
a crime punishable by
the death
of a friendship.
Revenge shall be mine,
Mitchell.
Oh, yes!
Revenge
shallbemine!
[Laughing maniacally]
[Zip]
Oh! Aah!
Yeow!
[Thunder]
- Don't get me wrong.
Dave had some good ideas,
but Mary's ideas were much,
much, much better,
so we're pushing ahead
with "Space Marines."
I think this is
the killer app that
GameAVision's been waiting for.
- Whoo! Yeah! Awesome!
Yeah! Go, Mitch!
- Mitch, my boy,
when the man upstairs was
handin' out smarts,
you musta got two brains
that was stuck together.
You know, kinda like
peanut M&Ms get sometimes.
- Thank you, Mr. Larrity.
- No, son, thank you.
You're the best damn programmer
at this whole company.
- But Mitchell had a tampon
on his shoe last night,
and I--I think he pees
sitting down!
- What's that crap comin' out
your talkin' hole, Chief?
- Todd, no one likes
a liar, right, Mitch?
-But--oh, OK.
- Why are you defending him?
- I'm just happy
for Mitch, that's all.
- But Larrity took my game away.
- Mary's game.
Look, Mitch is
a great guy.
Why don't you stop
worrying about him
and concentrate on
your own weak programming?
Jeez!
- I'll concentrate.
I'll concentrate
on revenge.
[Door slams]
- Betrayed again, Tiffany.
Let's never talk to another
living soul again.
- We got to talk.
- I'm sorry.
I just made a solemn pact
that prevents me from talking
to the likes of you.
- Don't make me smack you, dude.
I think we have something
in common.
- You're my evil twin.
I had my suspicions, but--
- Shut up. This Mitch guy,
somethin's not addin' up.
- Agreed. What kind of guy makes
his best pal into C3PO?
- Mitch is casting
some weird spell over
this whole place
with his stories about prison
and Mary's stupid dying wish,
so we got to do something.
- Yes, we must.
You and I are like the cobra
and the mongoose,
bitter adversaries
joining forces.
- Cut the Rikki-Tikki-Tavi crap
and let's get goin'.
- But we're agreed?
We shall form an unholy union?
- [Sighs]
Fine.
- It is time for
the unholy union handshake.
We're going to need
a stepladder and some ketchup.
- How about we just
get some dirt on Mitch
and use it to destroy him?
- Very well, but after we
succeed, the handshake!
- Hey, Benny,
how's it hangin'?
- It don't hang at all, Dave.
It's like a button.
- Right. Sorry.
Anyway,
I need some information
about Mitch.
- I don't know about Mitch.
You gotta go.
- Come on, Benny.
A guy as smart and,
uh, handsome and as
Korean as you,
you gotta know somethin'.
- I'm not bread!
You can't butter me up, boy!
- But I need
some dirt on Mitch.
- All you need to know
is that Mitch is
a great programmer.
She the best.
- What, she?
- No, she! I mean, he!
He, she--very difficult words
for Korean boy.
Me no speak English.
Shine your shoes. Apple pie.
- Listen, Chinatown,
I'll give you 40 bucks
and a pack of cigs, no filter.
- Make it a hundred.
Forgive me, Mitch.
- We need to talk.
- Oh, hey, Dave.
Ladies treatin' you
all right? I bet they are.
- I don't know.
You tell me, Mary.
- You mean Mitch.
- Oh, do I? Or do I not?
Or do I don't not not?
- Are you high?
- No. Well, yes,
but I'm not the one
on trial here.
What matters is that
you're Mary.
Benny gave me
these pictures.
- Son of a [bleep] bitch!
I knew he'd rat me out!
- Don't be too hard on Benny.
He's a good dude.
- You're not gonna tell anybody
about this, are you, Dave?
Larrity is finally
listening to my ideas,
I've got a nice office,
Clare's really into me,
which is gross,
but still flattering.
- Sorry, Mary, I've already made
an unholy union with Todd,
and I'm not one to break my--
I'll give you $22
and a new ChapStick.
- Deal.
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I called this
press conference today
to make a big announcement.
Mitch here is
an inspiration to us all,
and most importantly,
he's a man's man,
so I've decided
to name him
head programmer
and successor to me,
God forbid
anything happens.
- Dave and I would also like
to make an announcement
about Mitchell.
Dave, please join me.
- Nah, I'm good.
- But the unholy union.
- Todd, your butt best find
its seat, quick!
- But Mitch is a woman!
- Come on!
- Stop talking, Todd!
- She has boobies!
- Dean, if you please?
- [Grunts]
- What the hell?
We had a deal.
- Yeah, but I told Todd
your secret, like, an hour ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I not make that clear?
- Go [bleep] yourself.
- Now the moment you all
been waitin' for.
Mitch, come on up here
and present our next hit game,
"Space Marines."
- Thank you, Mr. Larrity.
Thank you, GameAVision.
- Space rules,
and you rule!
- I love you, Mitch!
- Back off, Clare!
He's mine, you hooker!
Damn it, world!
I'm gay for Mitch!
[Crowd gasps]
And I don't care who knows it!
[Smooching]
Mmm.
[Crowd gasps]
What the--
- You're Mary?
[Gasps]
- I told you!
- Well, I'll be damned.
- I'm not gay?
- No, dude, you're
totally still gay.
- That's right.
It's me, Mary.
I lied in order
to teach all of you
an important lesson
about gender equality.
I'm the same person
I've always been,
but you only loved my ideas
when you thought I was a man.
I hope each of you takes
a long, hard look in the mirror.
- Lose the shirt!
- Pig.
How 'bout you, Mr. Larrity?
Anything you'd like to say?
- I agree.
- Really? Thank you, sir.
- No!
I agree with Dave!
Let's see them jigglies!
- No!
- Then you're suspended
for a month, no pay!
- I guess there's no reason
for me to keep any secrets now,
like, did you know
that Todd pleasures himself
to video games?
[All laugh]
- Remind me to knock before I
come in your room, weirdo!
- And Dean has a tattoo of
a dolphin on his butt.
- That guy promised me
it was a shark.
- Gosh darn it!
My son's got a lady tattoo
on his keister!
- And Larrity hit a kid with
his car and left him for dead.
- OK, secret time's over.
You keep your mouth shut,
and we'll give you a raise.
- And I want my name
on the "Space Marines" box.
- "Space Marines"
is dead, honey.
I'd rather miss out on
the hottest game of all time
than put out a game
with a lady's name on it.
Now, that would be
embarrassin'.
Everybody get outta here!
Show's over! Hyah!
- I wish she'd showed her boobs.
I love boobs.
Right? Everyone?
- Queer.
[Video game music playing]
- Dude, when you kissed Mitch,
you must have made
some impression, man.
- What are you talking about?
- Mary.
She wants to meet you
in the broom closet
so you can make out
with her.
- Really?
- Yeah, go see for yourself.
[Smooching and moaning]
- What's going on
in there?
- I think I'm in love!
Wait. I thought you were--
- I [bleep] knew it, Jerry ♪
- Damn it, Dave!
- Congratulations, dude!
You're still gay!
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- You know what I like
about ya? Ya got sack.