Cold Feet (1997) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
(Laughter on TV) l took one look at you And every dream came true l could be crazy, but l'm not A lovely melody That stirs inside of me This kind of crazy, it's just fine TV: The institution of marriage is under attack - l just want to hold you - .
.
one in three marriages ending in divorce Don't need to own you lt's only desire (Gunshots and siren on TV) - Heaven knows, my heart's on fire When all is said and done You are the only one l should be crazy, but l'm not (Slurping) (BeIches) Doo doo-doo, dwee-da Doo doo-doo, dwee-da Soo doo-doo, dwee-da l think we should see a counsellor.
ls this about the binmen? Not that kind of counsellor, David.
Marriage guidance.
- Huh? Why? (Microwave bleeps) I considered having an affair.
You tried to sleep with our nanny.
Only cos l thought you were having an affair.
l'm not trying to apportion any blame.
Well, in your shoes, l shouldn't.
l just think it would be a good idea to talk.
- l've made an appointment for Tuesday.
- l've got other plans.
What? l'll think of something.
David, we have to discuss this.
You can't just walk away! What do you mean? Of course it was a comedy.
lngmar Bergman does not make comedies.
Well, he should.
He clearly has a talent for it.
(Toothbrush whirring) (Toilet flushing) - Adam! - What? Can you wait until l've finished? - Well, l'm not getting in your way.
- Yes, you are.
Oh, come on.
Look, you take so long, there'll be a water shortage before you finish.
I don't want to have bad breath.
(Sniffs) Monday.
Oh, Wednesday.
Yeah, baked-bean box.
Friday See that thing on TV last night? Oh, no.
Of course you didn't.
You still go out, don't you? We went to the cinema.
We saw my favourite film.
- Adam liked it, too.
- What was the lastl think What did l see at the cinema? Oh, yeah.
lt had Kevin Costner in it.
lt was all right.
That must have been a while ago.
Yeah.
Now we just stay in, eat crap and watch TV.
Very much like being in an old people's home.
You could do something else.
You don't have to watch telly.
Like what? - Book? - A book? Yeah.
Start with a newspaper.
Work your way up.
Jen, by the time l've put Adam to bed, l'm so knackered l can barely speak, let alone read.
What about a game? Yeah? Yes! A game! Yeah! - Question Of Sport's on.
Brilliant.
- (Groans) The other night, l was on the phone to my mum, and she always asks after my friends.
And apart from you and Adam, l don't seem to see them any more Look, Rachel, l was trying to think of some news, right, and l found myself telling her about what was happening to Ken.
- Ken? - Barlow.
Coronation Street.
- Oh, he's having a hard time, isn't he? - He is an' all, yeah.
l think you really do need to get out more.
l can't.
l'dl'd miss him.
l suppose that's what they invented the video for.
Not Ken.
The baby.
Anyway, l know it's daft, but l just l feel funny about leaving him with a stranger.
- l'll do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- What about Adam? l'll do it on my own.
To be honest, l wouldn't mind spending an evening on my own.
Adam's really irritating me at the moment.
She's really irritable at the moment.
- Rachel? - Yeah.
Maybe she's bored.
Of Adam Williams? l don't think so.
Wellyou've got to keep things lively.
When was the last time that you bought her a a surprise pressie? When was the last time you surprised Jenny? - Tonight.
- Oh, Pete's back! Listen.
The strop she's in, if l bought her a present, she'd probably exchange it.
There you go, mate.
You can't go wrong.
Say it with flowers.
No, hay fever.
Besides, she'd probably think l was feeling guilty about something.
- Are you? - God, l bloody wish.
l haven't done anything wrong, but l can't do anything right.
lt's not his fault.
He hasn't changed.
That's the problem.
He never changes.
Does Pete have any annoying little habits? Pete is an annoying little habit.
But l'm addicted.
- (Baby gurgles) - Aren't l? lt's like Adam can't even eat a peanut without it almost hitting the ceiling first.
(Laughs) ls that so annoying? RACHEL: It can be.
Or there's the way he'II Ieave things in the fridge for months.
- Hey, hey, what are you doing? - lt's out of date.
- Yeah, hardly.
- Erby more than a week.
That might have been the cure for something.
Look, Rach, l just think you need to do some stuff without him.
You know, get a hobby.
Something of your own.
- Have you ever seen Adam jogging? - Oh, very funny! (Laughs) Yeah.
Precisely.
Jogging's good.
Yeah.
Mind you, at your age, you want to be careful.
- Hello.
- Jen! Jenny, Jen, come on.
- What? - l've got a surprise for you.
- Yeah? - Oh, surprises.
OK.
Sit yourself down there, love.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Watch.
One, two, three .
.
four, five six! - Ha! - So? (Chuckles) Doesn't that say anything to you? Yeah, there's nothing on, as usual.
Come on.
We've got cable! Ha! - What? - 50 channels! Four film, three sports, two news, and wait till you see this (Music starts) - Country-music videos.
ls that it? ls that my surprise? Well, aren't you surprised? Pete, we watch too much telly as it is, love.
What were you thi Why? The choice! Great.
50 channels of crap, instead of five.
- Who are you phoning? - Rachel.
She said she'd baby-sit.
l'll see if she's free tomorrow night.
l'll beg if l bloody have to.
Rach How about a white Burgundy? - Don't they do beer? - No.
Well, only in bottles.
No, you've got to trust me on this, Adam.
They have a rather interesting Château Montrachet.
lt's a bit pricey, but worth it.
Thank you.
Well, this is nice.
Lovely.
ls there anything specific you wanted to talk about? - No.
- lt's just, when you rang, l thought No, no.
lt's justl thought we hadn't seen each other for a while.
- Since the weekend.
- ls it? Mmm.
Very good.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Karen busy tonight? Yes, she's seeing our counsellor.
Oh, Rachel said you'd had problems with your bins.
No, it's ermarriage guidance.
Ohl didn't know you were going to marriage guidance.
- Well, I'm not.
- lsn't it the kind of thing you do together? l am not prepared to sit there while a do-gooding social worker sticks their nose into our affairs.
Do you count them as affairs? Neither of you actually shagged Well, l know I'd be there.
l mean, who's gonna fight your corner? What do you mean? Well, it's like not being represented in court, isn't it? I mean, Karen's gonna be accusing you of every crime under the sun.
Desertion, mentaI crueIty trying to shag the nanny.
And the marriage-guidance counsellor, who you can lay your life on will be a woman, weII, she's gonna come down on Karen's side every time.
l hadn't thought of it like that.
Well, before you know it, they'll be burning you in effigy.
Oh, you want to get down there, mate, put a stop to it.
Yeah, thanks.
- Thanks, Adam.
- Any time, mate.
- Your bill, sir.
- Thank you.
What? Are you wise? David, you've come.
So it would appear.
So, you haven't started without me? lt should be a couple of minutes.
Tell me, is our counsellor a man or a woman? - A woman.
- Mm-hm.
The moment she uses the word ''facilitate'', l'm out of here.
(Door opens) (Man sobbing) Mr and Mrs Marsden? Would you like to come this way? l'm glad you were able to join us, Mr Marsden.
Your wife told me on the phone you sometimes had to work late.
Well, that hardly amounts to desertion.
Pleasedo sit down.
Erthat's my chair.
- Perhaps l'll stand.
- You might be more comfortable sitting.
Or maybe not.
Now, first, let me explain that my job is not to prescribe, but to facilitate (Groans) .
.
to enable you to understand any problems you might be having.
Yeah, l've got a question.
- Are you married? - David! - It's a perfectIy reasonabIe enquiry.
- l'm terribly sorry.
lt's just, l noticed you're not wearing a wedding ring.
l'm a widow.
But prior to my husband's death, we were separated.
Ah! So, what makes you think you're qualified to do this job? 30 years' experience.
l suppose that could count for something.
Now, we tend to see clients in blocks of six sessions.
Six? God, l was hoping we could sort this out tonight.
You may find it takes a little longer.
Particularly if you keep interrupting, David.
Now, perhaps we should start by you each telling me why you're here.
Duress? Mrs Marsden, would you like to begin? Erm ErDavid and I began having American degrees - are they valid here? - l think our problems began when David and l - Anyone mind if l open the window? Mr Marsden, please! You were saying? ErmDavid and l began having problems when (Alarm) - Fire alarm! lt's not a fire alarm.
lt's a panic button.
Well, l'm in a panic.
Time to evacuate the building.
Come on, Karen.
- No! - Come on! Don't move! Are you all right, Janet? lt must be very difficult for you.
(Doorbell) (Suavely) Hello.
Hi.
Emma.
From next door.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
l didn't recognise you without your clothes on.
- ls Rachel in? - Rachel? Rachel? - Hi! I'm ready.
- Ah, Rachel.
- Hi, Emma.
Hello.
- Where are you going? - Take a wild guess.
- Katmandu.
- Three-mile run.
- Oh.
So, when did you start running? - l haven't yet.
- Bye.
l think l considered having an affair because erm l was seeking attention.
David's so preoccupied with work, he never pays me any.
l see.
And how would you respond to that, David? (GoIf commentary on radio) - Er - Sorry.
- l can't believe you just did that.
lt's the PGA Masters.
Your wife was suggesting that you perhaps don't pay her as much attention as you used to.
Oh, l think that's a little unfair.
- l never forget your birthday.
- lt's on New Year's Day.
And l love you now as much as the day we married.
- When was that, David? - 22nd September '92.
The FTSE 1 00 hit an all-time high.
lt was the happiest day of my life.
- Because of the stock market? - Because l married Karen.
Why don't you tell me how you met? David came to my rescue.
Erml went to a party with some friends, and er .
.
this guy asked me to dance, which was fine.
And erhe started groping me.
l think he'd had a bit too much to drink.
And l tried to push him off, but he was too strong, and er .
.
l suddenly heard this voice behind me.
- ''Can l be of any assistance?'' - (Laughs) l remember thinking to myself, ''What a ludicrously gallant turn of phrase.
'' Anyway, there was a fight.
Not much of one, because erDavid did karate at college.
And it was all wildly romantic.
We were then.
What about sex? - Not that first night, no.
- No, l mean generally.
(Sighs) She wanted you to talk about sex? lt's like discussing it with your mother.
Hmm.
So, what did you say? l passed it over to Karen.
Good call.
- What do you want to know? - Whatever you like.
Nothing, if you'd prefer.
- Sounds good.
- No, David.
This is important.
Erml think when we were first married we had a very active sex Iife.
We made love all over the house.
We must have had sex, what, eight or nine times a week? Of course, we do it less now.
lt's still good, though, isn't it? - Yeahapart from when you were impotent.
- lmpotent? - lmpotent? - Of course she'd pick up on that.
You were impotent? Just briefly, but l'm fine now.
And so's sex.
lf a little routine.
You said earlier that you used to be romantic.
You're not now? - No.
- CouId you be again? How? Well, you could start dating.
- What, other people? - No.
One another.
- You go out on a date with Karen? - Yeah.
- Well, at least you'll be on a promise.
- (Laughs) You know, in a funny sort of way, l miss dating.
Yeah.
The thrill of the chase.
Benny Hill-style music Look, you know the way you find yourself attracted to other women? - Yeah.
- What, someone at work, is it? - Next-door neighbour.
- Oh! Ask me how old she is.
- How old is she? - She's 1 8.
Ohh! (Laughs) No? Rachel went jogging with her last night.
(Rachel Panting) Oh! Oh, shit.
- (Giggling) - Oh, God.
l've got a stitch.
- Hi.
Do you want some water? - Oh, yes, please.
(Both laugh) (Romantic music) (Music stops) (Both panting) - God! - Thank you.
(Romantic music) RACHEL: Adam! - Yeah.
(Both panting) ll thought Rachel would be more out of breath.
(Laughs) l only went halfway, and l walked most of that! Oh.
Still, you will go again, won't you? - What do you care? - Well, erexercise is good for you.
- Well, you should come.
- My gear's upstairs.
Maybe some other time.
Really.
l could do with getting fit.
Oh, you look pretty good to me.
(Romantic music) (Laughs) Thanks.
OK.
Rachel, l'd better be off.
OK.
- Thanks.
- l'll see you.
l'll be some distance behind you! Bye! Nice girl.
Sad man.
Excuse me.
ls this seat taken? No.
Please, take it.
Thanks.
l'm Neil.
Karen.
(Sitar music) l'm that used to takeaways, l'd forgotten poppadoms could be warm.
Yeah.
l think Adam's teething.
He's got a rash Jen, Jen Jen, love We promised we wouldn't talk about the baby tonight.
Sorry.
(Changes TV channels) Haven't you gone yet? Oh, it's all right.
l'll stay and keep you company.
l can baby-sit on my own, you know.
Maybe we should get cable.
The '70s - the golden age of telly.
No wonder they brought it back.
Oh, The Sweeney! l'll go and make some coffee.
(As Regan) Shut it! (Adam chuckles) Sorry l'm late, darling.
Crazy day.
Oh, you must be David.
- What? - Karen.
l don't think we've met.
Oh.
Soanother drink? Er, Neil, this is David.
Your date? We didn't think you were coming and at least one of us was hoping you weren't.
- lt was nice meeting you.
- And you.
- Who was that? - Neil.
He's in marketing.
So, tell me, David, what do you do? l'm ten minutes late, and you're chatting up men.
You're 20 minutes late, and he was chatting me up.
l don't believe this.
What a creep! - CouIdn't he teII you were married? - ls it that obvious? No, but surely he saw your - Where's your wedding ring? - l didn't think l should wear iton a first date.
Now, are you going to go and get us a drink? Where are you going? - To get the drinks.
- You don't know what l want.
- You always have a spritzer.
- lt's our first date.
And at this rate, there won't be a second.
- What would you like to drink? - A spritzer.
Well, l'll go to the bar, OK? While l'm there, try not to get off with anyone.
Dennis Waterman should be arrested for that haircut.
And that coIIar's an offensive weapon.
He couId have someone's eye out.
Are you going to talk all the way through this? Sorry.
REGAN: Shut it.
(Cackles) Oh, please! Just Please go home.
l've got all this work to do.
Well, l can't leave you on your own.
You'd miss me.
And besides, he is my godson.
- Oh, Charlie's Angels! Even better.
- Right, that's it.
l'm going home.
- What? - You can cope.
l can't.
Rachel! (Door slams) Phwoar.
(Wailing) Please can we talk about the baby? - Why? - l can't think of anything else to say.
lt's like he's sucked all the conversation out of me.
(Sucks in air) There.
That's it.
Top left.
This is what we do at home, love, you know.
We could have had this delivered.
lt's exactly the same.
At least the poppadoms were warm.
We need to go out more, you know.
With other people.
- l'll give my sister a ring.
- l'm not going out with her! No.
She can baby-sit, and l'll go out with my mates and you go out with yours.
Yeah? And God willing, we'll have something to talk about.
l wouldn't mind a mad night out with Adam.
Yeah.
And David.
David? Yeah, David.
He's one of the lads.
David? - Yeah.
Anyway, you've got to invite him.
- Why? Cos we will want to invite Karen.
And what will that look like, if you go out with Adam and have fun, and leave David at home? Well, from my perspective, much better.
Ehyou know.
Remember when you were little and no-one wanted you on their team? Hmm? All right, Gifford, but you'll have to go in goal.
(Laughter) All right.
We'll invite David.
So, erm Are you married? Divorced.
Right And your husband? He's divorced too.
No, l meanwhat's he like? - Successful? - Not at marriage, no.
Ah.
Do you have any children? - No.
- Yes, you have! l wouldn't admit that on a first date - it might put you off.
You can't pretend Josh doesn't exist.
OK.
Yes.
l have a son.
He's aImost two.
Ah.
What? l'm not sure l want to get involved with you.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) See? ls he cute? - The cutest.
- No.
That's my son.
Would you like to come home and see him? Are you propositioning me on a first date? We could go to yours, if you prefer.
OK.
(Heavy rock music) - (Laughing) Adam! - Hi, Rach.
Hi.
- Are you pissed? - Stoned.
- Stoned? - And pissed.
l thought you wanted to work.
Ohl've been out with Emma.
Wehad a couple of joints.
And then a couple more.
- l hope you didn't drive.
- Oh, of course l didn't drive! - Well, you took the car.
- Yes, and l left it in town.
- Jesus! - Somewhere.
What? Hi, Emma.
(Turns music down) - What are you doing? - What about the neighbours? l am the neighbours.
- Yeah.
Well, l mean, Elsie's 80.
- Yeah, and she's deaf.
Will you just stop acting like my father? Will you stop acting like a teenager? Oi! No, teenager isn't in it.
You're acting like a child.
She hit him? Just the once.
l think.
l was stoned.
- What happened then? - Well as l remember it (Clang) Right.
Nice one.
l think we'd better get Rachel's version on this.
There you go.
Hey, Rach, how did Adam react when you hit him? Ah.
Erwell Are you getting your period? Oh, no! - Offside.
Referee! Sorry.
- Are you? l think l must be, because then l hit him again.
So it was twice? And then l got reaIIy angry.
You are such an old fart! God, you were born middle-aged.
''Turn the music down.
Where's the car? Did you lock it?'' l didn't ask you that Did you? Look, l'm just as young as you.
Not in years, maybe, but inside.
l'm young at heart, me.
At least l don't have to hang out with girls half my age.
l have a natural rapport with youth.
- Oh, right.
Like with you and Emma? - Yeah, well, we get on.
Oh, you'll be telling me next that she fancies you.
- Emma, do you fancy Adam? - Adam? - Yeah.
Cardigan man.
- Cardigan man? l don't understand the question.
Well, no.
l mean, l understand the question.
l justl don't get it.
lf you saw me in a club, what would you think? Well, that you'd come to pick up your daughter.
(Women Iaughing) You still haven't got over it, have you? No, l couldn't believe it.
lt was like a slap in the face.
Yeah, and you'd know.
Still, she has got a point, you know.
We are old.
You are.
l've still got some years in me.
Hi, chaps.
Sorry l'm late.
Same again? Yeah.
You invited David? On a wild night out? Come on, Adam.
You know what it was like at school, and no-one wanted you on the team.
- That's a hat trick for Georgie Best! - (Cheering) ALL: Well done, Adam! Well done! No, l don't suppose you do.
Oh, this is going to be a great evening.
Here we go.
The first of many.
Right.
What are we gonna do tonight, then, girls? Oh, this woman at work's invited me to her party.
What, a real one? What, with dancing and drinking and snogging and everything? - What's the occasion? - Her divorce.
Oh, great.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, go on.
We've got nothing else to do.
Go on.
Let's get the vibe going! Look, l don't know why we couldn't stay at the Nag's Head.
Cos it isn't a pub crawl if you only go to one pub.
- But we've been past five.
- Yeah, well, they all looked dead.
- lt was quite lively in there.
- There was a fight! l haven't been on a pub crawl for years.
Hey, l know a drinking game.
First pub you go into, you have pints.
Or is it shorts? - Look, here's one.
This'll do.
- And each of you steals a bar mat.
No, that's a bit easy.
lt's a towel from the top of the bar.
(Heavy rock music) - What was wrong with that one? - There was no-one there! - There was someone at the bar.
- That was the barman! - Oh, yeah.
- Look, lads.
Listen.
- Tonight's supposed to be special.
Right? - Yeah.
Follow me.
No, l've got it.
One of you steals the bar towel (Booming techno music) This place? You're having a laugh.
lt's not even a pub, is it? Why don't we go back to the last one? lt might have filled up.
Pubs, my arse.
This is the place.
This is the place.
Lookhave you ever taken ecstasy? Ecstasy? Yeahno.
No.
No, exactly.
No, nor has Rachel.
- So? - So Take ecstasy? Well, you wanted a few tales to take home to Jenny.
I'm not taking ecstasy! l'm a management consultant.
A father.
Respectable.
- Are you respectable? - Well, l'm a father.
Oh, come on, guys! Let's let our hair down, while we still have some.
Trust me l'm lrish.
(Techno music) (Laughing) - Rachel, babe! You made it! - l brought some friends.
You don't mind? No, the more the merrier.
Come on! Wow! How do you know so many men? l don't.
But by the end of the evening, l intend to.
Hey! - Where the hell are we gonna get E from? - Them.
Oh, it's a well-known fact.
Bouncers are a major source of supply.
All right, lads? Are you carrying anything? No, but l'm sure you could help us out there.
Eh? No, it's OK.
We're cool.
We know the score.
- Are you after something? - Yeah.
Two tabs of E.
You're joking? Yes! He's joking.
He's a joker! Oh, right.
A comedian.
Yeah.
Thanks.
- Sorry, mate.
- What? - You can't come in.
- Why not? - But he's with us.
- Yeah? Well, you two were borderline.
Erno, Adam, really, l don't mind.
- No, no, come on.
Let him in.
- No, really.
- Do you want to leave as well? - Maybe we should Listen, chaps.
You go in.
You know.
l'll be fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
l'll ring Karen.
You know See what the girls are up to.
OK.
Come on.
ADAM: Oh, my God! - ls that a bloke or a woman? - l've no idea.
- No-one's drinking alcohol.
You know why? - Yeah, erwell, they're all driving.
No, water stops you overheating.
We, my friend, are in the land of E.
(Pounding techno music) So, are you and David all right now? We're getting there, but the flame's still burning low.
Well, the amount of time you've been together, it's bound to.
You reckon? Go on! Ride me like a Derby winner! Rach, is it OK if l piss off? Oh, is it not really your scene? No, l understand.
Bye.
Take care.
- Hi.
Remember me? - Hi! Yeah, it's Neil.
- Good to see you again.
Hi.
How are you? - Hello.
(Music starts) - Oh, l love this song.
Shall we? Yeah, OK.
Oh - Oh, allow me.
- Oh, sorry.
Hello.
- Hi.
Gavin.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- Sorry.
What was your name, again? - Oh, sorry.
Rachel.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
Ercan l get you another drink? Ermactually, l'm fine.
OK.
Right.
- Two bottles of water, please.
- Four quid.
No, water.
Bargain.
(Techno music) Look.
There's one.
Come on.
Era couple of Es? - Yeah, no problem.
That's 20 quid.
- Erright.
Come on, come on.
Discretion's the name of the game.
- All right.
Sorry.
- Right.
There you go.
Get buzzing.
OK.
You first.
No, together.
l mean, when you take delivery of a new Merc, it makes all the years at college worthwhile.
l mean, people think insolvency's dull, but, you know, we're making decisions every day that'll change people's lives.
Do we close the business down, or keep it open, running up losses, then sell it off as a going concern? lt's cutting-edge stuff.
l mean, just last week l was in this factory in Oldham, where they manufacture paper clips - l'm just going to get some more wine.
- No, no.
There's some here.
- Ohthanks.
- Yeah.
Paper clips and staples.
Not the guns.
The actual staples themselves.
- Do you want to get some air? - (Laughing) - No, no, no.
This way.
- Moremore air there.
We can always open a window! Come on.
Oh, l was having a lovely time! (Laughs) - Please, talk to me.
- Pardon? - Erwho are you? What do you do? - Luke.
l'm a solicitor.
(Laughs) Solicitor! Well, it beats insolvency.
(Ambient tune) (Pounding techno) Do you feel anything? That dealer's a wanker.
Come on.
Shift.
We've been done.
l thought it was odd that they were sugar-coated.
Ah, that's so that they appeal to children.
God, what would Rachel say if she was here now? Ermshe'd probably say, ''What am l doing here in the gents' toilets?'' l hate it when she's off me.
l can't eat.
That's love, mate.
l'm only here for her, you know.
l wanted to prove that l'm not what she thinks l am.
Come on.
Do you want to go home? No, no.
Let's split up, spread out, and find a real dealer.
Come on.
Yeah.
l'd say nine out of ten defendants are guilty.
l mean, if they hadn't been up to something, they wouldn't be in the dock, would they? The public hasn't got a clue.
Their idea of the law comes from TV.
Totally unrealistic.
l mean, The Bill - that's not bad.
But it's about the only series that's ever got it right.
- (Chuckles) - What's so funny? - My boyfriend.
- Eh? Cop shows used to be good.
l mean, what about The Sweeney? Dennis Waterman should have been arrested for that haircut.
- Sorry? - (As Regan) Shut it! - You're a great dancer.
- Yeah! l'd be even better if you gave me a bit of room.
- Come on.
- What? - Well, you know you want to.
- What? No.
Get off, Neil! Get off! Can l be of any assistance? (Crash) Davidtake me home.
Gladly.
(Techno music) - l've just seen my next-door neighbour.
- The one whose girlfriend smacked him? Yeah.
l wonder what he's doing here.
Hey, Adam - So, smack is heroin? - Yeah.
- Then l've found our dealer.
- Heroin? We don't want any of that crap.
No, no.
l'm sure he'll have something softer - you know, for beginners.
- Brilliant.
- This way.
There.
Him.
That one.
The one with the silly jazz-beard thing.
- Oh, my God.
That's Emma.
- Who? - Our next-door neighbour.
- Oh, the one you fancy? PETE: I see what you mean.
She was the one taIking about heroin! - Her.
- God! She's only 1 8! - Hey, no, don't.
Adam! - Pete, get off! Get off.
- Here, what's going on? - Adam! lt is you.
What brings you here? - A zimmer frame? - Don't push it! - Yeah - Pusher.
- Are you on something? - No! - Do you wanna be? - What, like smack? - Adam? Does Rachel know? - No, but l'm gonna tell her.
Good.
They say that's the first step to recovery.
l hate to break up your touching scene, but we were about to do some business.
You bollocks! (Groans) Oi! Come here, you! (Screaming) - Here you are, mate.
- What? What? What? - Hold these.
- Get off! (Shouting) Come here.
You're nicked.
Hey, Emma, get me a lawyer.
Tell Rachel.
Don't tell Jenny! (Siren) (Drunkenly) Hey! Hey, wait.
We've got to stop now.
Eh? No.
No, l'm married.
That's OK.
l was once.
No No, l'm happily married.
l've got a baby.
Yeah.
Hey, do you want to see a photo? - No.
Not really.
- Yeah.
Hang on.
Right.
Look.
Heythere they are.
That's Pete, that one there.
Myman.
l think l'm gonna find my mates.
He's four months old.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye, Mam.
Hello, Pete, love.
Sorry.
So, just how did 1 40 ecstasy tablets come to be in your possession? - This bloke gave them to me.
- Oh, ''this bloke''? Come on, son.
Don't waste my time.
Your mate's told us everything.
- Adam? - Singing like Whitney Houston.
lt was all his idea.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Luke Stubbings.
Your girlfriend asked me to come and see you.
- Are you a solicitor? - Almost.
Doing articles.
l say, this is a bit gloomy, isn't it? Have you been in a police cell before, Luke? l can't say l have.
l mainly do conveyancing.
The bag was in your hand.
Your muscle was on the floor, scrapping! What was it? A turf war? Muscle? Adam? Not very convincing muscle.
- You don't deny it, then? - No.
Yes.
Look, l've told you.
You've got the wrong person.
l've nothing to hide.
Well, let's see, shall we? So, have you ever done this sort of thing before? - l'm innocent.
- (Laughs) Yeah, right! OK.
You're free to go.
Thank God.
What about my mate? What, Howard Marks in there? He's just getting dressed.
Dressed? A witness came forward.
Emma Townsend.
Testified that you two were trying to break up a drug deal, not make one.
Officially, we don't condone vigilantes.
But personally, well l admire anyone who's prepared to make a stand.
Thanks.
Thank God! Are you all right? Fine.
Great solicitor.
l thought you wanted me sent down for life.
No.
l want you back home.
Safe and sound in your cardie.
(Groans) l'm not Cardigan Man! l don't even have a cardie.
- l'll buy you one.
- Mmm.
No! You told her? l don't think she'll remember.
ADAM: That was quite a laugh, wasn't it? PETE: For the muscle, maybe, but not for Mr Big.
Why are you walking like that? Don't ask.
Right? Just don't ask.
Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?
.
one in three marriages ending in divorce Don't need to own you lt's only desire (Gunshots and siren on TV) - Heaven knows, my heart's on fire When all is said and done You are the only one l should be crazy, but l'm not (Slurping) (BeIches) Doo doo-doo, dwee-da Doo doo-doo, dwee-da Soo doo-doo, dwee-da l think we should see a counsellor.
ls this about the binmen? Not that kind of counsellor, David.
Marriage guidance.
- Huh? Why? (Microwave bleeps) I considered having an affair.
You tried to sleep with our nanny.
Only cos l thought you were having an affair.
l'm not trying to apportion any blame.
Well, in your shoes, l shouldn't.
l just think it would be a good idea to talk.
- l've made an appointment for Tuesday.
- l've got other plans.
What? l'll think of something.
David, we have to discuss this.
You can't just walk away! What do you mean? Of course it was a comedy.
lngmar Bergman does not make comedies.
Well, he should.
He clearly has a talent for it.
(Toothbrush whirring) (Toilet flushing) - Adam! - What? Can you wait until l've finished? - Well, l'm not getting in your way.
- Yes, you are.
Oh, come on.
Look, you take so long, there'll be a water shortage before you finish.
I don't want to have bad breath.
(Sniffs) Monday.
Oh, Wednesday.
Yeah, baked-bean box.
Friday See that thing on TV last night? Oh, no.
Of course you didn't.
You still go out, don't you? We went to the cinema.
We saw my favourite film.
- Adam liked it, too.
- What was the lastl think What did l see at the cinema? Oh, yeah.
lt had Kevin Costner in it.
lt was all right.
That must have been a while ago.
Yeah.
Now we just stay in, eat crap and watch TV.
Very much like being in an old people's home.
You could do something else.
You don't have to watch telly.
Like what? - Book? - A book? Yeah.
Start with a newspaper.
Work your way up.
Jen, by the time l've put Adam to bed, l'm so knackered l can barely speak, let alone read.
What about a game? Yeah? Yes! A game! Yeah! - Question Of Sport's on.
Brilliant.
- (Groans) The other night, l was on the phone to my mum, and she always asks after my friends.
And apart from you and Adam, l don't seem to see them any more Look, Rachel, l was trying to think of some news, right, and l found myself telling her about what was happening to Ken.
- Ken? - Barlow.
Coronation Street.
- Oh, he's having a hard time, isn't he? - He is an' all, yeah.
l think you really do need to get out more.
l can't.
l'dl'd miss him.
l suppose that's what they invented the video for.
Not Ken.
The baby.
Anyway, l know it's daft, but l just l feel funny about leaving him with a stranger.
- l'll do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- What about Adam? l'll do it on my own.
To be honest, l wouldn't mind spending an evening on my own.
Adam's really irritating me at the moment.
She's really irritable at the moment.
- Rachel? - Yeah.
Maybe she's bored.
Of Adam Williams? l don't think so.
Wellyou've got to keep things lively.
When was the last time that you bought her a a surprise pressie? When was the last time you surprised Jenny? - Tonight.
- Oh, Pete's back! Listen.
The strop she's in, if l bought her a present, she'd probably exchange it.
There you go, mate.
You can't go wrong.
Say it with flowers.
No, hay fever.
Besides, she'd probably think l was feeling guilty about something.
- Are you? - God, l bloody wish.
l haven't done anything wrong, but l can't do anything right.
lt's not his fault.
He hasn't changed.
That's the problem.
He never changes.
Does Pete have any annoying little habits? Pete is an annoying little habit.
But l'm addicted.
- (Baby gurgles) - Aren't l? lt's like Adam can't even eat a peanut without it almost hitting the ceiling first.
(Laughs) ls that so annoying? RACHEL: It can be.
Or there's the way he'II Ieave things in the fridge for months.
- Hey, hey, what are you doing? - lt's out of date.
- Yeah, hardly.
- Erby more than a week.
That might have been the cure for something.
Look, Rach, l just think you need to do some stuff without him.
You know, get a hobby.
Something of your own.
- Have you ever seen Adam jogging? - Oh, very funny! (Laughs) Yeah.
Precisely.
Jogging's good.
Yeah.
Mind you, at your age, you want to be careful.
- Hello.
- Jen! Jenny, Jen, come on.
- What? - l've got a surprise for you.
- Yeah? - Oh, surprises.
OK.
Sit yourself down there, love.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Watch.
One, two, three .
.
four, five six! - Ha! - So? (Chuckles) Doesn't that say anything to you? Yeah, there's nothing on, as usual.
Come on.
We've got cable! Ha! - What? - 50 channels! Four film, three sports, two news, and wait till you see this (Music starts) - Country-music videos.
ls that it? ls that my surprise? Well, aren't you surprised? Pete, we watch too much telly as it is, love.
What were you thi Why? The choice! Great.
50 channels of crap, instead of five.
- Who are you phoning? - Rachel.
She said she'd baby-sit.
l'll see if she's free tomorrow night.
l'll beg if l bloody have to.
Rach How about a white Burgundy? - Don't they do beer? - No.
Well, only in bottles.
No, you've got to trust me on this, Adam.
They have a rather interesting Château Montrachet.
lt's a bit pricey, but worth it.
Thank you.
Well, this is nice.
Lovely.
ls there anything specific you wanted to talk about? - No.
- lt's just, when you rang, l thought No, no.
lt's justl thought we hadn't seen each other for a while.
- Since the weekend.
- ls it? Mmm.
Very good.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Karen busy tonight? Yes, she's seeing our counsellor.
Oh, Rachel said you'd had problems with your bins.
No, it's ermarriage guidance.
Ohl didn't know you were going to marriage guidance.
- Well, I'm not.
- lsn't it the kind of thing you do together? l am not prepared to sit there while a do-gooding social worker sticks their nose into our affairs.
Do you count them as affairs? Neither of you actually shagged Well, l know I'd be there.
l mean, who's gonna fight your corner? What do you mean? Well, it's like not being represented in court, isn't it? I mean, Karen's gonna be accusing you of every crime under the sun.
Desertion, mentaI crueIty trying to shag the nanny.
And the marriage-guidance counsellor, who you can lay your life on will be a woman, weII, she's gonna come down on Karen's side every time.
l hadn't thought of it like that.
Well, before you know it, they'll be burning you in effigy.
Oh, you want to get down there, mate, put a stop to it.
Yeah, thanks.
- Thanks, Adam.
- Any time, mate.
- Your bill, sir.
- Thank you.
What? Are you wise? David, you've come.
So it would appear.
So, you haven't started without me? lt should be a couple of minutes.
Tell me, is our counsellor a man or a woman? - A woman.
- Mm-hm.
The moment she uses the word ''facilitate'', l'm out of here.
(Door opens) (Man sobbing) Mr and Mrs Marsden? Would you like to come this way? l'm glad you were able to join us, Mr Marsden.
Your wife told me on the phone you sometimes had to work late.
Well, that hardly amounts to desertion.
Pleasedo sit down.
Erthat's my chair.
- Perhaps l'll stand.
- You might be more comfortable sitting.
Or maybe not.
Now, first, let me explain that my job is not to prescribe, but to facilitate (Groans) .
.
to enable you to understand any problems you might be having.
Yeah, l've got a question.
- Are you married? - David! - It's a perfectIy reasonabIe enquiry.
- l'm terribly sorry.
lt's just, l noticed you're not wearing a wedding ring.
l'm a widow.
But prior to my husband's death, we were separated.
Ah! So, what makes you think you're qualified to do this job? 30 years' experience.
l suppose that could count for something.
Now, we tend to see clients in blocks of six sessions.
Six? God, l was hoping we could sort this out tonight.
You may find it takes a little longer.
Particularly if you keep interrupting, David.
Now, perhaps we should start by you each telling me why you're here.
Duress? Mrs Marsden, would you like to begin? Erm ErDavid and I began having American degrees - are they valid here? - l think our problems began when David and l - Anyone mind if l open the window? Mr Marsden, please! You were saying? ErmDavid and l began having problems when (Alarm) - Fire alarm! lt's not a fire alarm.
lt's a panic button.
Well, l'm in a panic.
Time to evacuate the building.
Come on, Karen.
- No! - Come on! Don't move! Are you all right, Janet? lt must be very difficult for you.
(Doorbell) (Suavely) Hello.
Hi.
Emma.
From next door.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
l didn't recognise you without your clothes on.
- ls Rachel in? - Rachel? Rachel? - Hi! I'm ready.
- Ah, Rachel.
- Hi, Emma.
Hello.
- Where are you going? - Take a wild guess.
- Katmandu.
- Three-mile run.
- Oh.
So, when did you start running? - l haven't yet.
- Bye.
l think l considered having an affair because erm l was seeking attention.
David's so preoccupied with work, he never pays me any.
l see.
And how would you respond to that, David? (GoIf commentary on radio) - Er - Sorry.
- l can't believe you just did that.
lt's the PGA Masters.
Your wife was suggesting that you perhaps don't pay her as much attention as you used to.
Oh, l think that's a little unfair.
- l never forget your birthday.
- lt's on New Year's Day.
And l love you now as much as the day we married.
- When was that, David? - 22nd September '92.
The FTSE 1 00 hit an all-time high.
lt was the happiest day of my life.
- Because of the stock market? - Because l married Karen.
Why don't you tell me how you met? David came to my rescue.
Erml went to a party with some friends, and er .
.
this guy asked me to dance, which was fine.
And erhe started groping me.
l think he'd had a bit too much to drink.
And l tried to push him off, but he was too strong, and er .
.
l suddenly heard this voice behind me.
- ''Can l be of any assistance?'' - (Laughs) l remember thinking to myself, ''What a ludicrously gallant turn of phrase.
'' Anyway, there was a fight.
Not much of one, because erDavid did karate at college.
And it was all wildly romantic.
We were then.
What about sex? - Not that first night, no.
- No, l mean generally.
(Sighs) She wanted you to talk about sex? lt's like discussing it with your mother.
Hmm.
So, what did you say? l passed it over to Karen.
Good call.
- What do you want to know? - Whatever you like.
Nothing, if you'd prefer.
- Sounds good.
- No, David.
This is important.
Erml think when we were first married we had a very active sex Iife.
We made love all over the house.
We must have had sex, what, eight or nine times a week? Of course, we do it less now.
lt's still good, though, isn't it? - Yeahapart from when you were impotent.
- lmpotent? - lmpotent? - Of course she'd pick up on that.
You were impotent? Just briefly, but l'm fine now.
And so's sex.
lf a little routine.
You said earlier that you used to be romantic.
You're not now? - No.
- CouId you be again? How? Well, you could start dating.
- What, other people? - No.
One another.
- You go out on a date with Karen? - Yeah.
- Well, at least you'll be on a promise.
- (Laughs) You know, in a funny sort of way, l miss dating.
Yeah.
The thrill of the chase.
Benny Hill-style music Look, you know the way you find yourself attracted to other women? - Yeah.
- What, someone at work, is it? - Next-door neighbour.
- Oh! Ask me how old she is.
- How old is she? - She's 1 8.
Ohh! (Laughs) No? Rachel went jogging with her last night.
(Rachel Panting) Oh! Oh, shit.
- (Giggling) - Oh, God.
l've got a stitch.
- Hi.
Do you want some water? - Oh, yes, please.
(Both laugh) (Romantic music) (Music stops) (Both panting) - God! - Thank you.
(Romantic music) RACHEL: Adam! - Yeah.
(Both panting) ll thought Rachel would be more out of breath.
(Laughs) l only went halfway, and l walked most of that! Oh.
Still, you will go again, won't you? - What do you care? - Well, erexercise is good for you.
- Well, you should come.
- My gear's upstairs.
Maybe some other time.
Really.
l could do with getting fit.
Oh, you look pretty good to me.
(Romantic music) (Laughs) Thanks.
OK.
Rachel, l'd better be off.
OK.
- Thanks.
- l'll see you.
l'll be some distance behind you! Bye! Nice girl.
Sad man.
Excuse me.
ls this seat taken? No.
Please, take it.
Thanks.
l'm Neil.
Karen.
(Sitar music) l'm that used to takeaways, l'd forgotten poppadoms could be warm.
Yeah.
l think Adam's teething.
He's got a rash Jen, Jen Jen, love We promised we wouldn't talk about the baby tonight.
Sorry.
(Changes TV channels) Haven't you gone yet? Oh, it's all right.
l'll stay and keep you company.
l can baby-sit on my own, you know.
Maybe we should get cable.
The '70s - the golden age of telly.
No wonder they brought it back.
Oh, The Sweeney! l'll go and make some coffee.
(As Regan) Shut it! (Adam chuckles) Sorry l'm late, darling.
Crazy day.
Oh, you must be David.
- What? - Karen.
l don't think we've met.
Oh.
Soanother drink? Er, Neil, this is David.
Your date? We didn't think you were coming and at least one of us was hoping you weren't.
- lt was nice meeting you.
- And you.
- Who was that? - Neil.
He's in marketing.
So, tell me, David, what do you do? l'm ten minutes late, and you're chatting up men.
You're 20 minutes late, and he was chatting me up.
l don't believe this.
What a creep! - CouIdn't he teII you were married? - ls it that obvious? No, but surely he saw your - Where's your wedding ring? - l didn't think l should wear iton a first date.
Now, are you going to go and get us a drink? Where are you going? - To get the drinks.
- You don't know what l want.
- You always have a spritzer.
- lt's our first date.
And at this rate, there won't be a second.
- What would you like to drink? - A spritzer.
Well, l'll go to the bar, OK? While l'm there, try not to get off with anyone.
Dennis Waterman should be arrested for that haircut.
And that coIIar's an offensive weapon.
He couId have someone's eye out.
Are you going to talk all the way through this? Sorry.
REGAN: Shut it.
(Cackles) Oh, please! Just Please go home.
l've got all this work to do.
Well, l can't leave you on your own.
You'd miss me.
And besides, he is my godson.
- Oh, Charlie's Angels! Even better.
- Right, that's it.
l'm going home.
- What? - You can cope.
l can't.
Rachel! (Door slams) Phwoar.
(Wailing) Please can we talk about the baby? - Why? - l can't think of anything else to say.
lt's like he's sucked all the conversation out of me.
(Sucks in air) There.
That's it.
Top left.
This is what we do at home, love, you know.
We could have had this delivered.
lt's exactly the same.
At least the poppadoms were warm.
We need to go out more, you know.
With other people.
- l'll give my sister a ring.
- l'm not going out with her! No.
She can baby-sit, and l'll go out with my mates and you go out with yours.
Yeah? And God willing, we'll have something to talk about.
l wouldn't mind a mad night out with Adam.
Yeah.
And David.
David? Yeah, David.
He's one of the lads.
David? - Yeah.
Anyway, you've got to invite him.
- Why? Cos we will want to invite Karen.
And what will that look like, if you go out with Adam and have fun, and leave David at home? Well, from my perspective, much better.
Ehyou know.
Remember when you were little and no-one wanted you on their team? Hmm? All right, Gifford, but you'll have to go in goal.
(Laughter) All right.
We'll invite David.
So, erm Are you married? Divorced.
Right And your husband? He's divorced too.
No, l meanwhat's he like? - Successful? - Not at marriage, no.
Ah.
Do you have any children? - No.
- Yes, you have! l wouldn't admit that on a first date - it might put you off.
You can't pretend Josh doesn't exist.
OK.
Yes.
l have a son.
He's aImost two.
Ah.
What? l'm not sure l want to get involved with you.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) See? ls he cute? - The cutest.
- No.
That's my son.
Would you like to come home and see him? Are you propositioning me on a first date? We could go to yours, if you prefer.
OK.
(Heavy rock music) - (Laughing) Adam! - Hi, Rach.
Hi.
- Are you pissed? - Stoned.
- Stoned? - And pissed.
l thought you wanted to work.
Ohl've been out with Emma.
Wehad a couple of joints.
And then a couple more.
- l hope you didn't drive.
- Oh, of course l didn't drive! - Well, you took the car.
- Yes, and l left it in town.
- Jesus! - Somewhere.
What? Hi, Emma.
(Turns music down) - What are you doing? - What about the neighbours? l am the neighbours.
- Yeah.
Well, l mean, Elsie's 80.
- Yeah, and she's deaf.
Will you just stop acting like my father? Will you stop acting like a teenager? Oi! No, teenager isn't in it.
You're acting like a child.
She hit him? Just the once.
l think.
l was stoned.
- What happened then? - Well as l remember it (Clang) Right.
Nice one.
l think we'd better get Rachel's version on this.
There you go.
Hey, Rach, how did Adam react when you hit him? Ah.
Erwell Are you getting your period? Oh, no! - Offside.
Referee! Sorry.
- Are you? l think l must be, because then l hit him again.
So it was twice? And then l got reaIIy angry.
You are such an old fart! God, you were born middle-aged.
''Turn the music down.
Where's the car? Did you lock it?'' l didn't ask you that Did you? Look, l'm just as young as you.
Not in years, maybe, but inside.
l'm young at heart, me.
At least l don't have to hang out with girls half my age.
l have a natural rapport with youth.
- Oh, right.
Like with you and Emma? - Yeah, well, we get on.
Oh, you'll be telling me next that she fancies you.
- Emma, do you fancy Adam? - Adam? - Yeah.
Cardigan man.
- Cardigan man? l don't understand the question.
Well, no.
l mean, l understand the question.
l justl don't get it.
lf you saw me in a club, what would you think? Well, that you'd come to pick up your daughter.
(Women Iaughing) You still haven't got over it, have you? No, l couldn't believe it.
lt was like a slap in the face.
Yeah, and you'd know.
Still, she has got a point, you know.
We are old.
You are.
l've still got some years in me.
Hi, chaps.
Sorry l'm late.
Same again? Yeah.
You invited David? On a wild night out? Come on, Adam.
You know what it was like at school, and no-one wanted you on the team.
- That's a hat trick for Georgie Best! - (Cheering) ALL: Well done, Adam! Well done! No, l don't suppose you do.
Oh, this is going to be a great evening.
Here we go.
The first of many.
Right.
What are we gonna do tonight, then, girls? Oh, this woman at work's invited me to her party.
What, a real one? What, with dancing and drinking and snogging and everything? - What's the occasion? - Her divorce.
Oh, great.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, go on.
We've got nothing else to do.
Go on.
Let's get the vibe going! Look, l don't know why we couldn't stay at the Nag's Head.
Cos it isn't a pub crawl if you only go to one pub.
- But we've been past five.
- Yeah, well, they all looked dead.
- lt was quite lively in there.
- There was a fight! l haven't been on a pub crawl for years.
Hey, l know a drinking game.
First pub you go into, you have pints.
Or is it shorts? - Look, here's one.
This'll do.
- And each of you steals a bar mat.
No, that's a bit easy.
lt's a towel from the top of the bar.
(Heavy rock music) - What was wrong with that one? - There was no-one there! - There was someone at the bar.
- That was the barman! - Oh, yeah.
- Look, lads.
Listen.
- Tonight's supposed to be special.
Right? - Yeah.
Follow me.
No, l've got it.
One of you steals the bar towel (Booming techno music) This place? You're having a laugh.
lt's not even a pub, is it? Why don't we go back to the last one? lt might have filled up.
Pubs, my arse.
This is the place.
This is the place.
Lookhave you ever taken ecstasy? Ecstasy? Yeahno.
No.
No, exactly.
No, nor has Rachel.
- So? - So Take ecstasy? Well, you wanted a few tales to take home to Jenny.
I'm not taking ecstasy! l'm a management consultant.
A father.
Respectable.
- Are you respectable? - Well, l'm a father.
Oh, come on, guys! Let's let our hair down, while we still have some.
Trust me l'm lrish.
(Techno music) (Laughing) - Rachel, babe! You made it! - l brought some friends.
You don't mind? No, the more the merrier.
Come on! Wow! How do you know so many men? l don't.
But by the end of the evening, l intend to.
Hey! - Where the hell are we gonna get E from? - Them.
Oh, it's a well-known fact.
Bouncers are a major source of supply.
All right, lads? Are you carrying anything? No, but l'm sure you could help us out there.
Eh? No, it's OK.
We're cool.
We know the score.
- Are you after something? - Yeah.
Two tabs of E.
You're joking? Yes! He's joking.
He's a joker! Oh, right.
A comedian.
Yeah.
Thanks.
- Sorry, mate.
- What? - You can't come in.
- Why not? - But he's with us.
- Yeah? Well, you two were borderline.
Erno, Adam, really, l don't mind.
- No, no, come on.
Let him in.
- No, really.
- Do you want to leave as well? - Maybe we should Listen, chaps.
You go in.
You know.
l'll be fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
l'll ring Karen.
You know See what the girls are up to.
OK.
Come on.
ADAM: Oh, my God! - ls that a bloke or a woman? - l've no idea.
- No-one's drinking alcohol.
You know why? - Yeah, erwell, they're all driving.
No, water stops you overheating.
We, my friend, are in the land of E.
(Pounding techno music) So, are you and David all right now? We're getting there, but the flame's still burning low.
Well, the amount of time you've been together, it's bound to.
You reckon? Go on! Ride me like a Derby winner! Rach, is it OK if l piss off? Oh, is it not really your scene? No, l understand.
Bye.
Take care.
- Hi.
Remember me? - Hi! Yeah, it's Neil.
- Good to see you again.
Hi.
How are you? - Hello.
(Music starts) - Oh, l love this song.
Shall we? Yeah, OK.
Oh - Oh, allow me.
- Oh, sorry.
Hello.
- Hi.
Gavin.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- Sorry.
What was your name, again? - Oh, sorry.
Rachel.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
Ercan l get you another drink? Ermactually, l'm fine.
OK.
Right.
- Two bottles of water, please.
- Four quid.
No, water.
Bargain.
(Techno music) Look.
There's one.
Come on.
Era couple of Es? - Yeah, no problem.
That's 20 quid.
- Erright.
Come on, come on.
Discretion's the name of the game.
- All right.
Sorry.
- Right.
There you go.
Get buzzing.
OK.
You first.
No, together.
l mean, when you take delivery of a new Merc, it makes all the years at college worthwhile.
l mean, people think insolvency's dull, but, you know, we're making decisions every day that'll change people's lives.
Do we close the business down, or keep it open, running up losses, then sell it off as a going concern? lt's cutting-edge stuff.
l mean, just last week l was in this factory in Oldham, where they manufacture paper clips - l'm just going to get some more wine.
- No, no.
There's some here.
- Ohthanks.
- Yeah.
Paper clips and staples.
Not the guns.
The actual staples themselves.
- Do you want to get some air? - (Laughing) - No, no, no.
This way.
- Moremore air there.
We can always open a window! Come on.
Oh, l was having a lovely time! (Laughs) - Please, talk to me.
- Pardon? - Erwho are you? What do you do? - Luke.
l'm a solicitor.
(Laughs) Solicitor! Well, it beats insolvency.
(Ambient tune) (Pounding techno) Do you feel anything? That dealer's a wanker.
Come on.
Shift.
We've been done.
l thought it was odd that they were sugar-coated.
Ah, that's so that they appeal to children.
God, what would Rachel say if she was here now? Ermshe'd probably say, ''What am l doing here in the gents' toilets?'' l hate it when she's off me.
l can't eat.
That's love, mate.
l'm only here for her, you know.
l wanted to prove that l'm not what she thinks l am.
Come on.
Do you want to go home? No, no.
Let's split up, spread out, and find a real dealer.
Come on.
Yeah.
l'd say nine out of ten defendants are guilty.
l mean, if they hadn't been up to something, they wouldn't be in the dock, would they? The public hasn't got a clue.
Their idea of the law comes from TV.
Totally unrealistic.
l mean, The Bill - that's not bad.
But it's about the only series that's ever got it right.
- (Chuckles) - What's so funny? - My boyfriend.
- Eh? Cop shows used to be good.
l mean, what about The Sweeney? Dennis Waterman should have been arrested for that haircut.
- Sorry? - (As Regan) Shut it! - You're a great dancer.
- Yeah! l'd be even better if you gave me a bit of room.
- Come on.
- What? - Well, you know you want to.
- What? No.
Get off, Neil! Get off! Can l be of any assistance? (Crash) Davidtake me home.
Gladly.
(Techno music) - l've just seen my next-door neighbour.
- The one whose girlfriend smacked him? Yeah.
l wonder what he's doing here.
Hey, Adam - So, smack is heroin? - Yeah.
- Then l've found our dealer.
- Heroin? We don't want any of that crap.
No, no.
l'm sure he'll have something softer - you know, for beginners.
- Brilliant.
- This way.
There.
Him.
That one.
The one with the silly jazz-beard thing.
- Oh, my God.
That's Emma.
- Who? - Our next-door neighbour.
- Oh, the one you fancy? PETE: I see what you mean.
She was the one taIking about heroin! - Her.
- God! She's only 1 8! - Hey, no, don't.
Adam! - Pete, get off! Get off.
- Here, what's going on? - Adam! lt is you.
What brings you here? - A zimmer frame? - Don't push it! - Yeah - Pusher.
- Are you on something? - No! - Do you wanna be? - What, like smack? - Adam? Does Rachel know? - No, but l'm gonna tell her.
Good.
They say that's the first step to recovery.
l hate to break up your touching scene, but we were about to do some business.
You bollocks! (Groans) Oi! Come here, you! (Screaming) - Here you are, mate.
- What? What? What? - Hold these.
- Get off! (Shouting) Come here.
You're nicked.
Hey, Emma, get me a lawyer.
Tell Rachel.
Don't tell Jenny! (Siren) (Drunkenly) Hey! Hey, wait.
We've got to stop now.
Eh? No.
No, l'm married.
That's OK.
l was once.
No No, l'm happily married.
l've got a baby.
Yeah.
Hey, do you want to see a photo? - No.
Not really.
- Yeah.
Hang on.
Right.
Look.
Heythere they are.
That's Pete, that one there.
Myman.
l think l'm gonna find my mates.
He's four months old.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye, Mam.
Hello, Pete, love.
Sorry.
So, just how did 1 40 ecstasy tablets come to be in your possession? - This bloke gave them to me.
- Oh, ''this bloke''? Come on, son.
Don't waste my time.
Your mate's told us everything.
- Adam? - Singing like Whitney Houston.
lt was all his idea.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Luke Stubbings.
Your girlfriend asked me to come and see you.
- Are you a solicitor? - Almost.
Doing articles.
l say, this is a bit gloomy, isn't it? Have you been in a police cell before, Luke? l can't say l have.
l mainly do conveyancing.
The bag was in your hand.
Your muscle was on the floor, scrapping! What was it? A turf war? Muscle? Adam? Not very convincing muscle.
- You don't deny it, then? - No.
Yes.
Look, l've told you.
You've got the wrong person.
l've nothing to hide.
Well, let's see, shall we? So, have you ever done this sort of thing before? - l'm innocent.
- (Laughs) Yeah, right! OK.
You're free to go.
Thank God.
What about my mate? What, Howard Marks in there? He's just getting dressed.
Dressed? A witness came forward.
Emma Townsend.
Testified that you two were trying to break up a drug deal, not make one.
Officially, we don't condone vigilantes.
But personally, well l admire anyone who's prepared to make a stand.
Thanks.
Thank God! Are you all right? Fine.
Great solicitor.
l thought you wanted me sent down for life.
No.
l want you back home.
Safe and sound in your cardie.
(Groans) l'm not Cardigan Man! l don't even have a cardie.
- l'll buy you one.
- Mmm.
No! You told her? l don't think she'll remember.
ADAM: That was quite a laugh, wasn't it? PETE: For the muscle, maybe, but not for Mr Big.
Why are you walking like that? Don't ask.
Right? Just don't ask.
Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?