Come Fly With Me (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.
On today's show - Peter and Judith demand their money back.
What would Jesus do in this situation? Jesus? Jesus would give us a full refund.
Melody explains why she should be promoted.
If you work at check-in you really do need to be a people person.
I am very good with people because I am myself a person.
And there's some last-minute holiday advice from Taaj.
If you haven't got Sky Plus in your hotel, you don't want to go at all.
If you have, just stay at home and watch Sky Plus.
It's better, innit? It's 8am, and over at the FlyLo desks it's check-in manager Helen's last day.
But competition for her position has caused tension between best friends Melody and Keeley.
Next, please.
And Melody has chosen the worst possible day to be late.
Melody, you were two hours late this morning.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Helen, I just It's not going to count against her for promotion, is it? I really hope not.
No, I don't think it will.
Melody, I really, really hope it doesn't count against you for promotion.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, in departures, these FlyLo passengers are also having a bad day.
They can't find the right gate for their flight to Greece.
Fortunately, Taaj is on hand to help.
Excuse me, mate? Yes, boss? Which gate's the flight to Athens? Can I see your boarding pass, please? Yeah, it's already taken off, mate.
What do you mean? It's not supposed to leave for another hour.
Yeah, but it left early.
What's the point of it leaving early? Well, FlyLo have had a lot of complaints recently because some of their flights has been delayed, so we're trying to get some other ones away early in order to redress the balance, isn't it? Was anyone on the flight? Yeah, the pilot, the co-pilot and one of the stewards.
Anyone else? No, I think that was it.
You can't please some people.
First they is moaning that the flights is late, now they is moaning that the flights is early.
You can't win.
It's 10am, and in international arrivals the airport paparazzi are reflecting on what may turn out to be a career-ending incident.
I'll tell you what happened.
He's not allowed to take photos here no more.
He's been a naughty boy, ain't ya? It was an accident.
He done the old up-the-skirt shot on Dame Judi Dench.
What happened was was, Dame Judi come through, I tripped, fell to the floor, camera went off in me hand.
And it was an accident, was it? I swear on my mother's life.
God rest her soul.
Next thing I know, front page of the Daily StarDame Judi's drawers.
Dame Judi done a complaint and that's that, licence took off me.
He'll never work again.
A few minutes later, Mickey is back at work when Buster spots an incoming celebrity.
Look, it's that woman from Big Brother.
Hello, Professor Greer, lovely to see you again.
Nice holiday? It was a lecture tour actually, Oh, all sounds very intellectual.
Mind if I take a quick snap? Won't take a mo.
Get a sexy one.
Yeah, all right, my son.
Get her to look over her shoulder, like this.
Shut up! Get her to show a bit of leg.
Buster! Do you always talk to women like that? What are you, one of these feminists? Well, as a matter of fact I am, and you are a revolting man.
Well, you're not going to sell THOSE to Nuts Magazine.
You've ruined that! I was trying to help.
You're not helping at all.
You're in the way! What am I meant to do? I don't care! You're not allowed to take pictures any more, are ya? Justget lost! CAMERA CLICKS Amateur! Pervert! Our Lady Air runs a Steward of the Year competition.
And Fearghal is going all out to win it.
It's all part of the service there, sir, and I can really style it for you if you like.
There's a way that Justin Bieber does it that he really likes.
If you want to be number one, you've got to realise that there's more to this job than handing out hot towels.
You've got to be a nurse, you've got to be a children's entertainer, you've got to be atravel guide, you've got to be a counsellor, you've got to be a midwife, you've got to be an interpreter, you've got to be a hedge fund manager, you've got to be a pig breeder, you've got to be a toilet cleaner, you've got to be a holy man, but most of all you've got to be a friend.
Oh, and you're also expected to give hand relief to the pilot.
I've got a crying child, row 37.
Crying child.
I always try and do my best for passengers anyway, but if you wanna win Steward of the Year it does really help if you've done something brave or heroic.
Like last year's winner, Seamus O'Shaughnessy, he delivered a baby on board.
So, fingers crossed, one of my passengers will have a heart attack or something.
Hot nuts? Hot nuts? Hot nuts? No, thank you.
I'm allergic.
Really? Yes, I can't go anywhere near them.
And, er, what would happen if you were to have a nut? Well, my throat would swell up and I'd be unable to breathe.
In fact, I have to carry one of these EpiPens so people can inject me.
Really? Hmm Can you move out the way please, madam? OK, sir.
Moments later, a passenger has been taken seriously ill on Fearghal's flight and the plane has been forced to make an emergency landing.
OK, what's your name, sir? Your name? Just call We'll just call him Mr Nuts.
He's called Mr Nuts, OK? 'Something very dramatic just happened.
' One of the passengers on board has a severe allergy to nuts and he fell asleep and somehow a handful of hot nuts fell into his mouth.
Fortunately I was on hand to administer a life-saving injection.
He's gonna be OK.
He's gonna be OK! He's gonna be OK.
Did you get that? Some passengers are calling me a hero.
Not the man himself, he's still drifting in and out of consciousness, but I just did what any good steward would do.
OK? You know, I don't need an award for saving a man's life.
Just doing a good deed is an award in itself.
Having said that, obviously, if they did offer me an award, I would turn up and accept it.
Back at FlyLo, Helen is saying her final farewells.
Wellthis is it, then.
I've, erm, really enjoyed working with you girls.
So I've just come to say goodbye.
Bye.
I'll text you when I've had the baby.
If you want.
And I'll e-mail you pictures of the baby if you like.
Yesdon't worry.
See you, then.
Have a good baby.
Helen! I hope you manage to lose all the baby weight! She won't.
Over 80 million pieces of luggage pass through the airport every year.
It's the job of Customs Officer Steve Downes and his dog Bobo to ensure none of them contain drugs.
Come on, it's just a camera.
My training method's very simple.
I teach the dog to sniff out illegal substances and I give him a little bit as a reward.
All right? There you go.
Good lad.
Good lad.
That was just a little slither of crack there.
Do you want some more? Course you do.
I started working with dogs in the armed forces, in the Bomb Disposal Unit.
I served in Afghanistan.
My job was to train the dogs to sniff out bombs.
Same principal - the dog would find the bomb, I would give the dog the bomb to play with as a reward.
I'm glad I got out when I did, though.
Isaw some terrible things.
I saw Jim Davidson live, I saw James Blunt do an acoustic set at the base in Helmand Province, in which he sang Beautiful twice, andI think perhaps worst of all I saw Ross Kemp take a shower.
Still have nightmares about that.
I've had a number of canine companions over the years.
This is my first one, Princess.
Excellent sniffer dog.
But she ended up sniffing cocaine and couldn't stop.
She's now in rehab.
This is Pickles.
Pickles developed a taste for cannabis.
Always had the munchies.
The weight ballooned.
Now she has to be carted around in a wheelbarrow.
Very sad.
This is Molly.
Top sniffer dog, butheroin.
First she started smoking it, then injecting it.
Last I heard she was selling her body to get drugs.
Muffin.
LSD, thought she could fly.
Splat.
We have a joke amongst some of the lads here.
"My dog's got no nose.
" "How does he smell?" "Well, unfortunately, he can't smell, "because he's sniffed so many drugs over the years that he's pretty much obliterated the olfactory system.
"His septum has practically dissolved.
"We're going to have to retire him, see if a farm will take him, "and, if not, we'll just probably have him put down.
" It's 11:30, and at the France Airways check-in two passengers are becoming very angry.
Obviously we are not going to wield the swords on the plane! We are from the BMBRS! The what? The British Medieval Battle Re-enactment Society.
You are not allowed to take dangerous weapons onto the plane.
We need to get the swords to Paris because we are re-enacting the battle of Agincourt on Wednesday.
These items are forbidden.
This is racism, isn't it? Excuse me? We beat you at Agincourt.
Approximately 9,000 of our men defeated approximately 36,000 of yours.
I don't understand.
Battle of Agincourt? 1415, Henry Five? I imagine they didn't teach you about that at your "ecole".
One of the many glorious English victories over the French.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George.
I'm sorry? I told you France Airways was a mistake, Peasant Swordsman Gavin.
You DID want me to use my Nectar points.
Listen, wench, will you let us on board with the swords or not? Non.
What if we do that thing where we wrap them in lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of cling film? Non.
What are we meant to do, leave them here? Perhaps you have a wife or girlfriend who could pick them up for you? Look at us, we obviously do not have wives or girlfriends.
There are other people here.
Would you like me to check you in or not? We cannot accurately recreate the battle of Agincourt without authentic weaponry! I'm sorry.
I cannot help you.
Fine.
Have it your way.
But next time the Germans invade your country and you immediately surrender don't expect us to help you out.
Good day.
'The whole thing is absurd, it's patently absurd.
'I mean, a sword is only a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands.
' Un moment, s'il vous plait.
Just forgot our swords.
'I've been re-enacting for 14 years.
' I've taken part in hundreds of battles, and in that time I've only accidentally killed two people.
What about Trevor? Wellhe died three weeks later in hospital.
I don't feel I can be held accountable for that.
Meanwhile, in baggage handling, John and Terry are enjoying a well-earned rest.
I've been working here so long I've developed a sort of sixth sense.
I have! I can just look at a piece of luggage and tell you exactly what sort of person owns it.
Can't I, boy? Not really, Dad.
Yeah.
Like, watch this, right.
See this one? I reckon that bag belongs toa man.
Check the label.
"Barry Edwards.
" See? Orthis one, I would say, belongs to a woman.
Check the label.
"Susan Williams.
" See, I'm good, ain't I? Yeah, amazing, Dad.
Yeah, or this one here.
Very interesting.
I would say that belongs to someone who likes golf.
Yeah, a fan of the sport golf.
Someone who enjoys watching it or playing it.
Check the label.
"Nick Faldo.
" See, it's a gift.
Yeah, are we done yet, Dad? No, no, boy, I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll.
Here we go.
Yeah, now, this belongs to either a little girl or a midget queer.
"Frances Banks.
" We'll never know.
It's midday, and rumours about who's going to get the promotion are buzzing round the FlyLo check-in desk.
We still don't know which one of us is going to be check-in manager.
I do.
What? I've been told.
What have you been told? I've been told who's got it, but I've been asked as a courtesy to wait until it's officially announced at five o'clock, and I can celebrate then.
Ian Foot has been Chief Immigration Officer at the airport for ten years and in that time he's seen a lot of changes.
Unfortunately, in this day and age, you have to be as careful with the people that work in the airport as those who are arriving, so I do spot checks on the staff.
I select them at random, bring them in, go through their documentation, ask them a few questions.
Well, when I say "at random", it's only actually the black and brown ones.
I don't bother with the yellow people.
I find the yellow people no trouble at all.
Very meek.
Right, can I see your passport? This afternoon, it's the turn of FlyLo Ground Crew member Taaj to be interviewed.
This is a British passport.
You're obviously not British.
Yeah, I am.
Well, we'll see about that, "Taaj Mansour".
Ha.
Right, where were you born? Bradford.
All right, where were you parents born? Oh, sorry.
Sheffield.
All right, where were their parents originally from? Pakistan.
Pakistan! We're getting somewhere.
Right, so if there was a cricket match between England and Pakistan, who would you support? I don't like cricket.
Right, well, which sports do you like? BMX.
Anything else? Cage-fighting, man! I love cage-fighting, man.
Did you see it on Saturday on Sky? There was this wicked fight, right, because this one guy was being really cheeky, he was giving it all of that.
But like the other guy came in and mashed up his face! It was like a plate of meat at the end of it, man.
All right, so, if there was a cage fight between an Englishman and a Pakistanian, whose face would you like to see mashed up? But there isn't any cage fighters from Pakistan, isn't it? I think there's one from the Wirral.
Called something like Strange Reg.
OK, how many times a week, on average, do you eat curry? Oh, no, I don't like curry.
No, I prefer English food, you get me, like pizza or Chinese.
What is your chosen faith? I would have to say George Michael's version probably still the best.
Final question.
Do you have a connection to Al-Qaeda? Never met the guy.
Oh, no, that name does ring a bell.
Yes? I think he's one of my friends on Facebook.
Is you on Facebook? Yes, I am on Facebook.
Tell me your name, man, I'll come along and poke you.
I don't want to be poked by people like you.
I'm British, I'm proud of it, you get me? That guy should not even be in that job.
He has a racist agenda, which in this day and age is totally unacceptable.
Still at least it got me off work for half an hour, though, isn't it? Oh, he called me a racist, did he? Well, that in itself is anti-white, right? As far as I'm concerned, he poses a very real threat, and as such I'm going to mark his file Code Red and add his name to a list of people I feel threaten the security of this country.
Also on the list are Hardeep Singh Kohli Mark Ramprakash and Konnie Huq.
It's proving to be another long day for FlyLo owner Omar Baba, who's all over the front pages again.
Serious allegations of sexual harassment have hit the front pages, with several FlyLo employees going on record with their complaints.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this - "Errrrrrrr.
" I felt that was inappropriate.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them I felt this was inappropriate.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this You get me? Omar badly needs a public display of support, but will any of his staff be prepared to come to his rescue? Well, II cannot have sexually harassed EVERYBODY who works for me.
Find me my ugliest staff member.
FlyLo check-in, Keeley speakin'.
With the question of who's going to be the new check-in manager all but settled, Keeley is suddenly called into FlyLo's Head Office for a meeting.
Keeley St Clair, here to meet Omar Baba.
OK, take a seat.
Thank you.
Is it just possible that this story has one final twist? Back down at the Customer Service Desk Quickly, Peter.
.
.
FlyLo's package holidays are still proving unsatisfactory.
I would like to speak to the manager, please.
The manager's not here.
Then I would like to speak to the assistant manager.
He's on lunch.
Then I'd like to speak to you.
Go ahead.
Well, we have had, and it's not a phrase I would often use, the holiday from hell.
After last week's disaster, FlyLo gave us two free tickets to Peru.
So far, so good.
We were flying over the Andes I'm talking, you're talking.
We can't both be talking.
Sorry, Judith.
Apology accepted on this occasion, Peter.
Thank you, Judith.
So, we were on the plane flying over the Andes.
Now, the first disappointment was there was no fresh milk.
It was UHT.
And the second disappointment was that the engines failed and the plane crashed into a mountain.
All the passengers hu All the passengers huddled together on the ice.
It was immediately apparent that we were all very hungry.
So I suggested that we eat Peter.
Not ALL of me.
No, not all of you, that would be unkind.
So I found a penknife and hacked off Peter's leg.
As you can see, I now sport a prosthetic limb.
Yes, stop feeling sorry for yourself, Peter.
Sorry, Judith.
So, I popped Peter's leg on the barbeque and at the same time rustled up some simple but always popular dishes.
Coleslaw, a potato salad and couscous, which I do with roasted vegetables.
It's one of Nigella's.
Now, Peter's leg was almost done when the rescue helicopter arrived.
We'd only been on the mountain for half an hour.
Unfortunately Unfortunately, they couldn't save Peter's leg.
It had been cooked right through and also had been dipped in a garlic and herb marinade.
If I had to sum up the holiday in one word I would say "disappointing".
And the real shame for me was that the potato salad remained untouched.
Moses, Great British Air's executive passenger liaison officer, is meeting a VIP jetting in from Los Angeles, the actress Anna Friel.
I'm a big fan of Miss Friel, she's so beautiful and talented.
I loved her on stage in Breakfast At Tiffany's.
And she was wonderful in that shampoo ad.
And the thing about Miss Friel is - she flies with us all the time - it doesn't matter where she's come from or how long the flight, she always looks a million dollars.
If you'll pardon the pun.
Oh, here she is! Hello, Miss Friel.
Lovely to see you again.
Hello.
Let me take those for you.
Thank you.
How was the flight, did you get some rest? Yes, thanks.
There's just one thing, I did lose an item on board.
Oh, yes? Yeah, my, er, wig.
Oh.
I didn't know you wore a wig.
Yes, have done for years.
I'm as bald as a coot.
They've searched the plane? It's not there? No, they've looked everywhere.
And you've looked in your bag, it's not in there? Nope.
I think you look very beautiful without it, Miss Friel.
Thank you, but I really would like to find it.
Yes, yes, of course.
Well, obviously this is quite a delicate matter so what I'm going to do is slip you into our first class lounge, you'll have more privacy there.
Thanks.
Could we make room for Miss Anna Friel, please?! She's lost her wig! Stop staring at Anna Friel.
George is one of the airport's longest-serving employees.
'I've been cleaning the toilets in the airport for a number of years now.
' You get all sorts going on in here.
To be honest, when someone comes in and actually does a poo, it's a blessed relief.
'Cleaning toilets, it's not my passion.
No, my passion's opera.
' 'I love it.
And people loves to hear it.
' HE SINGS "O SOLE MIO" HE SINGS "NESSUN DORMA" 'I say people loves to hear it I have had a lot of complaints.
' But then, you see, opera's not for everyone.
It's 4:25, and Omar has called a press conference at the airport, so he can publicly refute the allegations of sexual harassment.
HE CLEARS THROA Thank you all for coming here and giving me chance to deny these disgusting allegations of sexual harassment against me.
And may I also say how wonderful it is to see so many beautiful ladies in the room.
Today, I will prove my innocence! This lady here is an employee of FlyLo.
Hello.
Please, do come.
Tell me, have I ever touched you in an inappropriate way? No, Omar, you have not.
And have I ever made lewd comment, like Give me paper.
.
.
"What a beautiful meaty bottom you have"? Or, "May I tweak your left nipple?" Or, "Please touch it, I promise it won't take long"! No, Omar, also you have not.
OK.
So I ask you this, what do you think of theseallegations against me? I think they are nonsense, Omar.
Proof! And this from one of my senior employees.
What is your job title? Well, I was check-in assistant but as of this afternoon I am now check-in manager.
The check-in manager herself has said it.
So, please, everybody, take picture of happy boss and happy staff member.
OK? It's half past five and, over in the Great British Air first class lounge, Moses believes he may have found a solution to Anna Friel's hairy situation.
How are you settling in, Miss Friel, all right? Yep.
Have you been offered a small glass of orange juice and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail? Yes, I have.
Now, about the wig.
It'sgood and bad news.
Right.
The bad news is, they can't find your wig.
Really? They've looked everywhere.
A thousand apologies.
The good news is that lost property do have a box of wigs that have been left here over the years.
No-one's claimed them and you're welcome to have one.
Well, I suppose it's worth having a look.
Okey-dokey.
Lets have a rummage, if you pardon the pun.
Right, what have we got here? Oh, yes, how about this one? I'm known more as a brunette really.
You're absolutely right, Miss Friel.
What else have we got? Oh, yes.
How about this one? You be the judge.
"If you'll pardon the pun.
" Ha-ha-ha-ha.
There's no pun there.
Can I be frank, Miss Friel? Of course.
It ages you.
Don't worry, we'll find something.
Several hours have passed since the photographers had their argument, but Buster is still at the airport.
I've got nowhere else to go.
I've spent nearly every day for the past 25 years with him.
HE WHEEZES This is my life, and my life is with Mickey.
Mickey too is struggling to cope on his own.
Don't seem right somehow, being here on my own.
I miss him, course I do.
Mickey's a part of me.
He's the blood that runs through my veins.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
It was never me, it was always we.
He's my rock.
He's my coat in the winter.
He's the brown sauce on my sausage.
He's the sweetener in my tea.
He's a juicy ripe apple on a summer's day.
He's my father, he's my son.
He's my brother, he's my sister.
He's the reason I get up in the morning.
He's simplyBuster.
If I had to sum him up in one word, I'd say HE WHEEZES .
.
Mickey.
Anyone sitting here? No.
How's it going, then? Fine.
Great.
Never been better.
I miss ya.
I miss you too.
Wellwhat say we go and take some photographs of some celebrities looking tired, then, eh? Yeah! Oh, no, you can't, can you, because you're not allowed to take photos any more, are you? No.
Mm.
But I can come and watch! Yeah.
Yeah.
It's 7pm, and Melody is digesting the news of Keeley's promotion to check-in manager.
Oh, it's a great feeling, I'm dead made up.
I'm not surprised I got the job, but I'm just glad they gave it to me on merit.
Oh, so the fact that you supported Omar in his sexual harassment case had nothing to do with it? No.
I think if anything that counted against me.
How do you work that out? All right, Melody, I think you need to get back to your desk, there's some passengers need checkin' in.
Quickly! She can be very lax.
Less of the attitude, please.
It's the end of another hard day's work, but everyone will be back tomorrow.
The battle re-enactors realised the utter futility of what they were doing, and immediately stopped.
Bobo had a rather unproductive shift.
All he sniffed out was a Jaffa Cake and a copy of Jilly Cooper's Polo.
And Moses saved the day for Anna Friel.
Miss Friel, you've never looked lovelier.
All right, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Every inch a star.
On today's show - Peter and Judith demand their money back.
What would Jesus do in this situation? Jesus? Jesus would give us a full refund.
Melody explains why she should be promoted.
If you work at check-in you really do need to be a people person.
I am very good with people because I am myself a person.
And there's some last-minute holiday advice from Taaj.
If you haven't got Sky Plus in your hotel, you don't want to go at all.
If you have, just stay at home and watch Sky Plus.
It's better, innit? It's 8am, and over at the FlyLo desks it's check-in manager Helen's last day.
But competition for her position has caused tension between best friends Melody and Keeley.
Next, please.
And Melody has chosen the worst possible day to be late.
Melody, you were two hours late this morning.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Helen, I just It's not going to count against her for promotion, is it? I really hope not.
No, I don't think it will.
Melody, I really, really hope it doesn't count against you for promotion.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, in departures, these FlyLo passengers are also having a bad day.
They can't find the right gate for their flight to Greece.
Fortunately, Taaj is on hand to help.
Excuse me, mate? Yes, boss? Which gate's the flight to Athens? Can I see your boarding pass, please? Yeah, it's already taken off, mate.
What do you mean? It's not supposed to leave for another hour.
Yeah, but it left early.
What's the point of it leaving early? Well, FlyLo have had a lot of complaints recently because some of their flights has been delayed, so we're trying to get some other ones away early in order to redress the balance, isn't it? Was anyone on the flight? Yeah, the pilot, the co-pilot and one of the stewards.
Anyone else? No, I think that was it.
You can't please some people.
First they is moaning that the flights is late, now they is moaning that the flights is early.
You can't win.
It's 10am, and in international arrivals the airport paparazzi are reflecting on what may turn out to be a career-ending incident.
I'll tell you what happened.
He's not allowed to take photos here no more.
He's been a naughty boy, ain't ya? It was an accident.
He done the old up-the-skirt shot on Dame Judi Dench.
What happened was was, Dame Judi come through, I tripped, fell to the floor, camera went off in me hand.
And it was an accident, was it? I swear on my mother's life.
God rest her soul.
Next thing I know, front page of the Daily StarDame Judi's drawers.
Dame Judi done a complaint and that's that, licence took off me.
He'll never work again.
A few minutes later, Mickey is back at work when Buster spots an incoming celebrity.
Look, it's that woman from Big Brother.
Hello, Professor Greer, lovely to see you again.
Nice holiday? It was a lecture tour actually, Oh, all sounds very intellectual.
Mind if I take a quick snap? Won't take a mo.
Get a sexy one.
Yeah, all right, my son.
Get her to look over her shoulder, like this.
Shut up! Get her to show a bit of leg.
Buster! Do you always talk to women like that? What are you, one of these feminists? Well, as a matter of fact I am, and you are a revolting man.
Well, you're not going to sell THOSE to Nuts Magazine.
You've ruined that! I was trying to help.
You're not helping at all.
You're in the way! What am I meant to do? I don't care! You're not allowed to take pictures any more, are ya? Justget lost! CAMERA CLICKS Amateur! Pervert! Our Lady Air runs a Steward of the Year competition.
And Fearghal is going all out to win it.
It's all part of the service there, sir, and I can really style it for you if you like.
There's a way that Justin Bieber does it that he really likes.
If you want to be number one, you've got to realise that there's more to this job than handing out hot towels.
You've got to be a nurse, you've got to be a children's entertainer, you've got to be atravel guide, you've got to be a counsellor, you've got to be a midwife, you've got to be an interpreter, you've got to be a hedge fund manager, you've got to be a pig breeder, you've got to be a toilet cleaner, you've got to be a holy man, but most of all you've got to be a friend.
Oh, and you're also expected to give hand relief to the pilot.
I've got a crying child, row 37.
Crying child.
I always try and do my best for passengers anyway, but if you wanna win Steward of the Year it does really help if you've done something brave or heroic.
Like last year's winner, Seamus O'Shaughnessy, he delivered a baby on board.
So, fingers crossed, one of my passengers will have a heart attack or something.
Hot nuts? Hot nuts? Hot nuts? No, thank you.
I'm allergic.
Really? Yes, I can't go anywhere near them.
And, er, what would happen if you were to have a nut? Well, my throat would swell up and I'd be unable to breathe.
In fact, I have to carry one of these EpiPens so people can inject me.
Really? Hmm Can you move out the way please, madam? OK, sir.
Moments later, a passenger has been taken seriously ill on Fearghal's flight and the plane has been forced to make an emergency landing.
OK, what's your name, sir? Your name? Just call We'll just call him Mr Nuts.
He's called Mr Nuts, OK? 'Something very dramatic just happened.
' One of the passengers on board has a severe allergy to nuts and he fell asleep and somehow a handful of hot nuts fell into his mouth.
Fortunately I was on hand to administer a life-saving injection.
He's gonna be OK.
He's gonna be OK! He's gonna be OK.
Did you get that? Some passengers are calling me a hero.
Not the man himself, he's still drifting in and out of consciousness, but I just did what any good steward would do.
OK? You know, I don't need an award for saving a man's life.
Just doing a good deed is an award in itself.
Having said that, obviously, if they did offer me an award, I would turn up and accept it.
Back at FlyLo, Helen is saying her final farewells.
Wellthis is it, then.
I've, erm, really enjoyed working with you girls.
So I've just come to say goodbye.
Bye.
I'll text you when I've had the baby.
If you want.
And I'll e-mail you pictures of the baby if you like.
Yesdon't worry.
See you, then.
Have a good baby.
Helen! I hope you manage to lose all the baby weight! She won't.
Over 80 million pieces of luggage pass through the airport every year.
It's the job of Customs Officer Steve Downes and his dog Bobo to ensure none of them contain drugs.
Come on, it's just a camera.
My training method's very simple.
I teach the dog to sniff out illegal substances and I give him a little bit as a reward.
All right? There you go.
Good lad.
Good lad.
That was just a little slither of crack there.
Do you want some more? Course you do.
I started working with dogs in the armed forces, in the Bomb Disposal Unit.
I served in Afghanistan.
My job was to train the dogs to sniff out bombs.
Same principal - the dog would find the bomb, I would give the dog the bomb to play with as a reward.
I'm glad I got out when I did, though.
Isaw some terrible things.
I saw Jim Davidson live, I saw James Blunt do an acoustic set at the base in Helmand Province, in which he sang Beautiful twice, andI think perhaps worst of all I saw Ross Kemp take a shower.
Still have nightmares about that.
I've had a number of canine companions over the years.
This is my first one, Princess.
Excellent sniffer dog.
But she ended up sniffing cocaine and couldn't stop.
She's now in rehab.
This is Pickles.
Pickles developed a taste for cannabis.
Always had the munchies.
The weight ballooned.
Now she has to be carted around in a wheelbarrow.
Very sad.
This is Molly.
Top sniffer dog, butheroin.
First she started smoking it, then injecting it.
Last I heard she was selling her body to get drugs.
Muffin.
LSD, thought she could fly.
Splat.
We have a joke amongst some of the lads here.
"My dog's got no nose.
" "How does he smell?" "Well, unfortunately, he can't smell, "because he's sniffed so many drugs over the years that he's pretty much obliterated the olfactory system.
"His septum has practically dissolved.
"We're going to have to retire him, see if a farm will take him, "and, if not, we'll just probably have him put down.
" It's 11:30, and at the France Airways check-in two passengers are becoming very angry.
Obviously we are not going to wield the swords on the plane! We are from the BMBRS! The what? The British Medieval Battle Re-enactment Society.
You are not allowed to take dangerous weapons onto the plane.
We need to get the swords to Paris because we are re-enacting the battle of Agincourt on Wednesday.
These items are forbidden.
This is racism, isn't it? Excuse me? We beat you at Agincourt.
Approximately 9,000 of our men defeated approximately 36,000 of yours.
I don't understand.
Battle of Agincourt? 1415, Henry Five? I imagine they didn't teach you about that at your "ecole".
One of the many glorious English victories over the French.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George.
I'm sorry? I told you France Airways was a mistake, Peasant Swordsman Gavin.
You DID want me to use my Nectar points.
Listen, wench, will you let us on board with the swords or not? Non.
What if we do that thing where we wrap them in lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of cling film? Non.
What are we meant to do, leave them here? Perhaps you have a wife or girlfriend who could pick them up for you? Look at us, we obviously do not have wives or girlfriends.
There are other people here.
Would you like me to check you in or not? We cannot accurately recreate the battle of Agincourt without authentic weaponry! I'm sorry.
I cannot help you.
Fine.
Have it your way.
But next time the Germans invade your country and you immediately surrender don't expect us to help you out.
Good day.
'The whole thing is absurd, it's patently absurd.
'I mean, a sword is only a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands.
' Un moment, s'il vous plait.
Just forgot our swords.
'I've been re-enacting for 14 years.
' I've taken part in hundreds of battles, and in that time I've only accidentally killed two people.
What about Trevor? Wellhe died three weeks later in hospital.
I don't feel I can be held accountable for that.
Meanwhile, in baggage handling, John and Terry are enjoying a well-earned rest.
I've been working here so long I've developed a sort of sixth sense.
I have! I can just look at a piece of luggage and tell you exactly what sort of person owns it.
Can't I, boy? Not really, Dad.
Yeah.
Like, watch this, right.
See this one? I reckon that bag belongs toa man.
Check the label.
"Barry Edwards.
" See? Orthis one, I would say, belongs to a woman.
Check the label.
"Susan Williams.
" See, I'm good, ain't I? Yeah, amazing, Dad.
Yeah, or this one here.
Very interesting.
I would say that belongs to someone who likes golf.
Yeah, a fan of the sport golf.
Someone who enjoys watching it or playing it.
Check the label.
"Nick Faldo.
" See, it's a gift.
Yeah, are we done yet, Dad? No, no, boy, I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll.
Here we go.
Yeah, now, this belongs to either a little girl or a midget queer.
"Frances Banks.
" We'll never know.
It's midday, and rumours about who's going to get the promotion are buzzing round the FlyLo check-in desk.
We still don't know which one of us is going to be check-in manager.
I do.
What? I've been told.
What have you been told? I've been told who's got it, but I've been asked as a courtesy to wait until it's officially announced at five o'clock, and I can celebrate then.
Ian Foot has been Chief Immigration Officer at the airport for ten years and in that time he's seen a lot of changes.
Unfortunately, in this day and age, you have to be as careful with the people that work in the airport as those who are arriving, so I do spot checks on the staff.
I select them at random, bring them in, go through their documentation, ask them a few questions.
Well, when I say "at random", it's only actually the black and brown ones.
I don't bother with the yellow people.
I find the yellow people no trouble at all.
Very meek.
Right, can I see your passport? This afternoon, it's the turn of FlyLo Ground Crew member Taaj to be interviewed.
This is a British passport.
You're obviously not British.
Yeah, I am.
Well, we'll see about that, "Taaj Mansour".
Ha.
Right, where were you born? Bradford.
All right, where were you parents born? Oh, sorry.
Sheffield.
All right, where were their parents originally from? Pakistan.
Pakistan! We're getting somewhere.
Right, so if there was a cricket match between England and Pakistan, who would you support? I don't like cricket.
Right, well, which sports do you like? BMX.
Anything else? Cage-fighting, man! I love cage-fighting, man.
Did you see it on Saturday on Sky? There was this wicked fight, right, because this one guy was being really cheeky, he was giving it all of that.
But like the other guy came in and mashed up his face! It was like a plate of meat at the end of it, man.
All right, so, if there was a cage fight between an Englishman and a Pakistanian, whose face would you like to see mashed up? But there isn't any cage fighters from Pakistan, isn't it? I think there's one from the Wirral.
Called something like Strange Reg.
OK, how many times a week, on average, do you eat curry? Oh, no, I don't like curry.
No, I prefer English food, you get me, like pizza or Chinese.
What is your chosen faith? I would have to say George Michael's version probably still the best.
Final question.
Do you have a connection to Al-Qaeda? Never met the guy.
Oh, no, that name does ring a bell.
Yes? I think he's one of my friends on Facebook.
Is you on Facebook? Yes, I am on Facebook.
Tell me your name, man, I'll come along and poke you.
I don't want to be poked by people like you.
I'm British, I'm proud of it, you get me? That guy should not even be in that job.
He has a racist agenda, which in this day and age is totally unacceptable.
Still at least it got me off work for half an hour, though, isn't it? Oh, he called me a racist, did he? Well, that in itself is anti-white, right? As far as I'm concerned, he poses a very real threat, and as such I'm going to mark his file Code Red and add his name to a list of people I feel threaten the security of this country.
Also on the list are Hardeep Singh Kohli Mark Ramprakash and Konnie Huq.
It's proving to be another long day for FlyLo owner Omar Baba, who's all over the front pages again.
Serious allegations of sexual harassment have hit the front pages, with several FlyLo employees going on record with their complaints.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this - "Errrrrrrr.
" I felt that was inappropriate.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them I felt this was inappropriate.
Mr Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this You get me? Omar badly needs a public display of support, but will any of his staff be prepared to come to his rescue? Well, II cannot have sexually harassed EVERYBODY who works for me.
Find me my ugliest staff member.
FlyLo check-in, Keeley speakin'.
With the question of who's going to be the new check-in manager all but settled, Keeley is suddenly called into FlyLo's Head Office for a meeting.
Keeley St Clair, here to meet Omar Baba.
OK, take a seat.
Thank you.
Is it just possible that this story has one final twist? Back down at the Customer Service Desk Quickly, Peter.
.
.
FlyLo's package holidays are still proving unsatisfactory.
I would like to speak to the manager, please.
The manager's not here.
Then I would like to speak to the assistant manager.
He's on lunch.
Then I'd like to speak to you.
Go ahead.
Well, we have had, and it's not a phrase I would often use, the holiday from hell.
After last week's disaster, FlyLo gave us two free tickets to Peru.
So far, so good.
We were flying over the Andes I'm talking, you're talking.
We can't both be talking.
Sorry, Judith.
Apology accepted on this occasion, Peter.
Thank you, Judith.
So, we were on the plane flying over the Andes.
Now, the first disappointment was there was no fresh milk.
It was UHT.
And the second disappointment was that the engines failed and the plane crashed into a mountain.
All the passengers hu All the passengers huddled together on the ice.
It was immediately apparent that we were all very hungry.
So I suggested that we eat Peter.
Not ALL of me.
No, not all of you, that would be unkind.
So I found a penknife and hacked off Peter's leg.
As you can see, I now sport a prosthetic limb.
Yes, stop feeling sorry for yourself, Peter.
Sorry, Judith.
So, I popped Peter's leg on the barbeque and at the same time rustled up some simple but always popular dishes.
Coleslaw, a potato salad and couscous, which I do with roasted vegetables.
It's one of Nigella's.
Now, Peter's leg was almost done when the rescue helicopter arrived.
We'd only been on the mountain for half an hour.
Unfortunately Unfortunately, they couldn't save Peter's leg.
It had been cooked right through and also had been dipped in a garlic and herb marinade.
If I had to sum up the holiday in one word I would say "disappointing".
And the real shame for me was that the potato salad remained untouched.
Moses, Great British Air's executive passenger liaison officer, is meeting a VIP jetting in from Los Angeles, the actress Anna Friel.
I'm a big fan of Miss Friel, she's so beautiful and talented.
I loved her on stage in Breakfast At Tiffany's.
And she was wonderful in that shampoo ad.
And the thing about Miss Friel is - she flies with us all the time - it doesn't matter where she's come from or how long the flight, she always looks a million dollars.
If you'll pardon the pun.
Oh, here she is! Hello, Miss Friel.
Lovely to see you again.
Hello.
Let me take those for you.
Thank you.
How was the flight, did you get some rest? Yes, thanks.
There's just one thing, I did lose an item on board.
Oh, yes? Yeah, my, er, wig.
Oh.
I didn't know you wore a wig.
Yes, have done for years.
I'm as bald as a coot.
They've searched the plane? It's not there? No, they've looked everywhere.
And you've looked in your bag, it's not in there? Nope.
I think you look very beautiful without it, Miss Friel.
Thank you, but I really would like to find it.
Yes, yes, of course.
Well, obviously this is quite a delicate matter so what I'm going to do is slip you into our first class lounge, you'll have more privacy there.
Thanks.
Could we make room for Miss Anna Friel, please?! She's lost her wig! Stop staring at Anna Friel.
George is one of the airport's longest-serving employees.
'I've been cleaning the toilets in the airport for a number of years now.
' You get all sorts going on in here.
To be honest, when someone comes in and actually does a poo, it's a blessed relief.
'Cleaning toilets, it's not my passion.
No, my passion's opera.
' 'I love it.
And people loves to hear it.
' HE SINGS "O SOLE MIO" HE SINGS "NESSUN DORMA" 'I say people loves to hear it I have had a lot of complaints.
' But then, you see, opera's not for everyone.
It's 4:25, and Omar has called a press conference at the airport, so he can publicly refute the allegations of sexual harassment.
HE CLEARS THROA Thank you all for coming here and giving me chance to deny these disgusting allegations of sexual harassment against me.
And may I also say how wonderful it is to see so many beautiful ladies in the room.
Today, I will prove my innocence! This lady here is an employee of FlyLo.
Hello.
Please, do come.
Tell me, have I ever touched you in an inappropriate way? No, Omar, you have not.
And have I ever made lewd comment, like Give me paper.
.
.
"What a beautiful meaty bottom you have"? Or, "May I tweak your left nipple?" Or, "Please touch it, I promise it won't take long"! No, Omar, also you have not.
OK.
So I ask you this, what do you think of theseallegations against me? I think they are nonsense, Omar.
Proof! And this from one of my senior employees.
What is your job title? Well, I was check-in assistant but as of this afternoon I am now check-in manager.
The check-in manager herself has said it.
So, please, everybody, take picture of happy boss and happy staff member.
OK? It's half past five and, over in the Great British Air first class lounge, Moses believes he may have found a solution to Anna Friel's hairy situation.
How are you settling in, Miss Friel, all right? Yep.
Have you been offered a small glass of orange juice and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail? Yes, I have.
Now, about the wig.
It'sgood and bad news.
Right.
The bad news is, they can't find your wig.
Really? They've looked everywhere.
A thousand apologies.
The good news is that lost property do have a box of wigs that have been left here over the years.
No-one's claimed them and you're welcome to have one.
Well, I suppose it's worth having a look.
Okey-dokey.
Lets have a rummage, if you pardon the pun.
Right, what have we got here? Oh, yes, how about this one? I'm known more as a brunette really.
You're absolutely right, Miss Friel.
What else have we got? Oh, yes.
How about this one? You be the judge.
"If you'll pardon the pun.
" Ha-ha-ha-ha.
There's no pun there.
Can I be frank, Miss Friel? Of course.
It ages you.
Don't worry, we'll find something.
Several hours have passed since the photographers had their argument, but Buster is still at the airport.
I've got nowhere else to go.
I've spent nearly every day for the past 25 years with him.
HE WHEEZES This is my life, and my life is with Mickey.
Mickey too is struggling to cope on his own.
Don't seem right somehow, being here on my own.
I miss him, course I do.
Mickey's a part of me.
He's the blood that runs through my veins.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
It was never me, it was always we.
He's my rock.
He's my coat in the winter.
He's the brown sauce on my sausage.
He's the sweetener in my tea.
He's a juicy ripe apple on a summer's day.
He's my father, he's my son.
He's my brother, he's my sister.
He's the reason I get up in the morning.
He's simplyBuster.
If I had to sum him up in one word, I'd say HE WHEEZES .
.
Mickey.
Anyone sitting here? No.
How's it going, then? Fine.
Great.
Never been better.
I miss ya.
I miss you too.
Wellwhat say we go and take some photographs of some celebrities looking tired, then, eh? Yeah! Oh, no, you can't, can you, because you're not allowed to take photos any more, are you? No.
Mm.
But I can come and watch! Yeah.
Yeah.
It's 7pm, and Melody is digesting the news of Keeley's promotion to check-in manager.
Oh, it's a great feeling, I'm dead made up.
I'm not surprised I got the job, but I'm just glad they gave it to me on merit.
Oh, so the fact that you supported Omar in his sexual harassment case had nothing to do with it? No.
I think if anything that counted against me.
How do you work that out? All right, Melody, I think you need to get back to your desk, there's some passengers need checkin' in.
Quickly! She can be very lax.
Less of the attitude, please.
It's the end of another hard day's work, but everyone will be back tomorrow.
The battle re-enactors realised the utter futility of what they were doing, and immediately stopped.
Bobo had a rather unproductive shift.
All he sniffed out was a Jaffa Cake and a copy of Jilly Cooper's Polo.
And Moses saved the day for Anna Friel.
Miss Friel, you've never looked lovelier.
All right, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Every inch a star.