Coming Up (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh! What are you doing?! Well, this is you, isn't it? Mandy Sladen.
Get out! Cancer gives local teacher new focus in life.
Well, whoop-dee-fucking-do! Who the hell are you? I am a second-class citizen.
Carl! My son's upstairs in his room.
It's not him I've come to see.
Well, he's built like a brick shithouse and he's very protective.
Nice to be looked after, innit? What the fuck do you want? I want to move in.
You want to move in? What? They can't turn me down then.
Right! "You can't have them, Mr Sullivan.
It's the wrong area.
"The numbers don't add up.
"The whatsit, the code, the postcode.
" Get out! Get out of my fucking house now! Where are they? I'm going to phone the police.
I just want to see them.
Kitchen.
I bet you keep them in the kitchen.
Oi! Ah! Ha-ha! Hang on! Here we are.
Pride of place.
Police.
Police.
I live less than a mile from you, and you can have these and I can't You You've got cancer too? I've worked like a fucking bastard my whole life.
I have paid my national insurance.
But I live in an area where smack heads are doled out free drugs, so I can go and fuck myself.
It's not my fault.
You should have refused these on moral grounds.
Oh, is that what you would have done? Eh? Would I fuck! I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, I've got noisy neighbours but, you know.
I know what you mean.
This music is absolute shite.
He's awake.
You must be famished.
Do you want to come and sit down? What time is it? Just after nine o'clock - Oh, it's Jed.
- Jed.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
I'm not a big drinker and I just lost my head.
So I'm just going to go, yeah.
Oh, no, it's all right, you were suffering from the three D's.
Three D's? Desperate, drunken, dickhead.
All right.
Ooh! Oh! How come yous are having a Sunday roast at nine o'clock in the morning? Our Carl's doing a crash course on life skills.
And we've got pork, beef and duck to get through, so we're starting early.
Nice.
It's looking good, this, lad.
Gravy? Yeah, sound.
Got any more? Can you give us five minutes, Emma? Come on, for old times' sake, eh? We're a bit busy, Jed.
Nearly there.
Last couple.
I like what you've done with the place.
All right, Jamie, boy? Cat told me about your Yeah.
Listen, I need you to remortgage the house.
- Lend me some cash.
- I can't, Jed.
Please, Emma.
I can buy this treatment It's 30 grand.
I've already remortgaged it.
What? What for? - What? - She's had a boob job and some lipo.
Oh, how much did that cost? - You don't want to know.
- Fucking hell, Emma! Why didn't you just join a gym, buy a padded bra? You look really hot, babe.
That's the menopause, dickhead.
Can you leave us to talk for a bit, babe? Of course, babe.
I'd help you if I could.
There must be something else they can try.
Maybe the hospital'll change their mind.
Your tits were fine.
Mum.
Mum, he's just kicked me.
Hiya, Dad.
Hi, baby.
Do you want a feel? Yeah.
Do you know, he was doing it loads before.
Maybe next time, eh, Dad? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe next time, eh? I'm not responding.
I feel like shit.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's not making a difference.
- It is making a bit of a difference.
- Not to me, it isn't.
In cases like this, when first-line treatments aren't successful Then why can't we just go to the next one? PCT referrals take quite some time.
And that's what I don't have.
Where do you live, Doc? I bet you've got a nice little postcode.
I bet the drugs are doled out like they're going out of fashion.
I've written to the PC with what we term your individual treatment request What that actually means Maybe I could move in with you.
Mr Sullivan.
I bet you've got a lovely big house, kids have flown the coop.
Things are changing all the time.
I don't have time.
All I want is to be able to hold one of these in my hands and say, "That's brilliant, lad", ruffle his hair, and stick it on my fridge with some Blu Tack! Jed.
Hey.
Jed.
Do you want to get some air? Wow, Jed, this is amazing.
How did you know how to get up here? My company refurbed this hospital.
State-of-the-art, all the mod cons.
I'm impressed.
And look at me now, Mandy.
I can't even get the drugs I need to stay alive.
Jed, let's go back inside.
It's cold.
Jed.
Jed.
Jed! Listen, I need some money.
Mark.
Mark, it's Jed.
It's 30 grand.
Jed Sullivan.
I'm sick.
Cancer.
Cancer.
Oh, hello! Can you put your mum on? What.
.
What.
.
No! Brian, mate, listen.
Can you help me out? Yeah, I know I'm a proper cheeky cunt but listen, I really need you to lend me some money.
I'm sick.
Mark.
Hiya! Jed Sullivan.
How's it going? Still playing golf? Hello, Sean.
Yeah.
Can you lend me some money? I'm sick.
Fuck! 'I'm begging you, lend me the money.
' Cancer.
You're still a really fucking ugly, fat, balding twat.
So will you lend me the money? Mandy.
It's Jed.
Hello.
It's Carl, isn't it? Yeah.
Is your mam in? She doesn't like flowers.
Oh, I know.
These are for you, lad.
Put them in some water.
Let's go, cowboy.
Yeehah! Dick.
Do you eat a lot of sushi, Jed? Yeah.
This is me to a tee, this.
What about you? I'm more of a pie and chips girl, if I'm honest Are you? Yeah.
Why so surprised? - You seem to be so, you know - What? Cultured.
Cultured? Yeah, cultured.
But I'm bloody starving, and you did say you was going to feed me.
Chippie.
Yeah.
OK.
You should take them.
I'll take them later on.
Don't mind me.
Go on.
No, Jed, I'll take them later on.
Dad? Dad, are you all right? Yeah, I'm sound.
I was just doing some pull-ups.
Well, you shouldn't be doing that.
I bet Jamie can't do as many as I can do.
If you say so.
I do, yeah.
Well, listen, isn't it time for one of your afternoon naps or something? Funny! Who's that? It's no-one.
Oh, aye! What's her name? It's Mandy, she's just a mate.
It's about time anyway.
I'm proper made up for you.
Put the kettle on, will you, babe? I'll be in in a sec.
OK.
He was quite handsome and lots of people fancied him, and I was quite a geek at school, and we ended up getting together at a party and I was so excited.
But unfortunately he had premature ejaculation, which was when you get down to it, was a little bit sort of uncomfortable.
I didn't know what to do.
What do you do when that happens? I dunno.
It's never happened to me.
How quick was it? Just, bang - straight away.
Soon as I touched his zip! So there I am, I'm giving it my best moves.
Everything I've read in a magazine.
And I look at her, and she's fast asleep! And I thought she was, like, moaning, but she was snoring! Coffee? No, I'll have a tea, please.
I don't want to be up all night.
That's a shame.
Tell you what, Mandy, you don't know how lucky you are.
I know.
You've really landed on your feet Yeah? You could go on for years and years.
Well, some can.
Yeah.
You're proper lucky living where you do, like.
Yeah, you've said.
I could do with some of that luck rubbing off on me.
Would you like to move in with me, Jed? Do you mean it? You'd like that, wouldn't you? You may as well get started on these now.
Look at you.
It's not just about the drugs any more, Mandy.
Of course it is! It's not.
I'm telling you.
Honest I, um Look, come on, eh? Take them back.
No, you keep them.
Because I don't even think they're working for me anyway.
Where are you going? I'm going home.
To teach my boy a valuable lesson.
How to smell a rat.
What happened to this guy? Eh? What happened to this guy? 'Eye contact at all times' 'Remember, you're the one in control.
' What are you doing? I think Demi Moore needs your help there.
You're, er, trespassing.
I built this house, lad.
Oi! Hey, hey! I'm a sick man, remember.
One punch and I could keel over.
Dead, just like that.
Dad, what's going on? Right.
Baby, whatever happens, just remember, I proper, proper love you.
Dad? Jed, where are you going? Mandy.
You have every right not to believe me, but I really care about you a lot And I I just wanted you to know that.
Jed, where are you going? I helped build that hospital, and now it treats me like I've already gone.
Do you want to come inside? No.
It's been nice knowing you, cowgirl.
Jed? Jed! Shit.
Jed! Jed! No End the postcode lottery! Jed! Mand? Are you all right? Am I all right?! I don't fucking believe you! Am I all right?! What are you doing so close to the edge? I thought you were going to throw yourself off, you daft bastard.
What do I want to do that for? What's with the tent, for Christ's sake? I'm, um, protesting.
Protesting.
Yeah.
What kind of protester doesn't have their own tent these days? This isn't Occupy fucking Wall Street, Jed.
Yeah, well, it's my fucking street now.
I needed a new postcode, so here I am.
They're not going to let you stay here, you do know that, don't you? It's a gimmick.
I'm making a point I needed to do this.
I don't want to be invisible anymore.
Give me your hand.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on! Are you ready? Yes.
Right.
One, two, three! Go, go, go! Look at that! Your banner's a bit shit, Jed.
Took me ages, that.
- It's not exactly Banksy, is it? - So says the art teacher.
Come on.
No.
Come on.
Go on, Dad!