Complete and Utter History of Britain (1969) s01e05 Episode Script
The Great and Glorious Age of Elizabeth
1
This is the first Elizabethan age,
the golden era.
More famous men
flourished under Elizabeth
than under any other sovereign.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
# History
Episode Fi-i-ive. ♪
Good evening.
Elizabeth I ruled England
for 43 years,
and yet in all that time,
she never married.
Not for want of suitors.
She was wooed by people
from all over Europe.
How was it, then, that she managed
to resist their attentions
and remain the Virgin Queen?
FANFARE
Your Majesty, the Queen approaches.
So, at last, I am to meet
this reluctant beauty,
this queen of modesty.
But where others have failed,
I shall win her heart,
and with it, England.
HE CHUCKLES
Her Most Gracious Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth of England!
My Spanish charm will coax
her sweet, reluctant heart.
PROLONGED FANFARE
JAUNTY MUSIC
Hey!
Hello! Hey!
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ah!
Oh!
MUSIC FINISHES
Do that strap up.
Well, how are you, then,
boys and girls? All right?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
- All right?
- Yes!
That's better. Ooh, that's better.
Well, I've just had a day out
with Sir Walter Raleigh.
Best night I've had for years.
No, really. Ooh!
We had a little meal
back at the palace,
tres intime, you know,
the music down low -
well, I mean,
it was practically on the floor!
I was ready to go, you know,
had my water wings in,
I give him the "Come hither",
he went thence!
Still, can't win 'em all,
can you, duckies?
Ooh!
Where's this dishy
King of Spain, then, eh?
Behind you!
Where?
Behind you!
Where?
Behind you!
Ooh, ooh, I say.
Oh, it's love at first sight.
Oh, you gorgeous Spanish hunk, you.
Oh, you little onion.
Oh, take me!
Do with me what thou wilt,
demon of desire.
Can this be she? Caramba!
Oh, Pedro, mwah! Mwah, mwah!
Oh, cheeky drawers!
Ooh! Huh-huh-huh!
Oh, lovely Spanish specimen,
take all of me!
Please, Your Majesty!
Oh!
Oh, it's Christmas!
Oy-oy-oy! He's trying to
get it out, Your Majesty.
Oh, help him, help him, come on!
Your Majesty,
I must return to Spain on business!
Oh, come to my hairy arms,
you marching mass of manliness.
Ooh, I must be off.
Just dump him in the kitchen.
Here, watch it, I do the jokies!
Ooh!
Argh!
Philip!
That is your name, innit, Philip?
Ah!
Philip, we were made for each other.
Let us caress in nuptial rapture.
No, I have been "deceiveled"!
Oh, it is monstrous,
it is grotesque!
I don't believe it!
He hasn't even seen it yet.
Ooh!
Come back, steaming Spanish sexpot!
DISTANTLY: No!
Has he gone?
Yes, Your Majesty.
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Really?
Yes!
SOMBRELY: It is well.
Loyal subjects
Your Majesty.
the threat of Spain is vanquished.
England and my honour
are saved again.
Let us adjourn
to Parliament House
for a bit of the other! Ooh!
JAUNTY MUSIC
Under Elizabeth,
England gradually expanded.
It was the age of exploration
and discovery,
and of famous sailors like Hawkins,
Drake and Sir Walter Raleigh.
Raleigh was a particular hero.
A whole generation of children
grew up wanting to be
like Sir Walter.
A difficult ambition, of course,
for the girls.
At this time, a large part
of the world was still unknown.
But it is indeed fortunate
that a film
of Raleigh's first expedition
to the New World has been preserved.
The commentary is taken from
the first mate's logbook.
'January 8th. On the high seas,
full sail and good speed.
Had eggs for breakfast.'
Land ahoy!
'May 4th. Land sighted.
We are at the threshold
of the New World.
Had kipper for breakfast.
Soon, we are sailing up the Orinoco,
when the first disaster hit us.
The compass broke.'
'May 18th. We made camp.
There is constant danger and it is
sometimes impossible to sleep.
But we must persevere.'
RIPPING
'And sleep overtakes us in the end.'
RIPPING,
BOING
BIRDS TWEETING
'Raleigh himself
often spends the whole night
sitting up by the fire, smoking.'
SPLASH
'There was constant danger
from the Spaniards, too,
so the petty officer slept
with a gun under his pillow.'
BANG
'June 8th. The days get hotter.'
'June 11th. The going gets tougher.'
'The jungle is taking its toll.
The men are dying like flies.'
Bzzz!
'But we kept going.
I don't know what it was
about Sir Walter,
but the men loved him.'
'June 25. Lost.
Sir Walter handed out
the last tot of rum.
From now on, there was
only Scotch or martini.'
'June 28th.
Face-to-face with Red Indians,
who, in exchange for
British-made goods,
seemed ready to give us
everything they had.
It seemed almost wrong to
take advantage of their simplicity.'
'July 7th.
We establish first English colony
in America.
Had heap big egg for breakfast.'
Elizabeth's reign,
like that of her father, Henry VIII,
was marked by numerous executions.
Of course, in those days,
executions were public spectacles,
and as such, provoked
much controversy and discussion.
REVERBERATING CLICKS
OMINOUS TONE
BECOMES MOODY JAZZ
Good evening and welcome
to Chopping Block.
Last week Last week,
we looked at the execution
of Mary, Queen of Scots
at Fotheringhay Castle,
and tonight,
we look at the execution last Friday
of EF Jenkins.
Now, here to talk about it
we have the Bishop of Filey.
Hello.
A well-known executioner,
who I'm sure we all recognise.
Good evening.
And Anthony Babington,
who has himself been executed.
Good evening.
RASPS
BURPS AND GURGLES
Bishop, would you like to kick off?
Oh, thank you, yes.
Well, of course, there's nothing
quite like a good execution.
And this one was top class.
The excitement of anticipation,
the glamour, the colour,
and of course, the prayers.
I can't think when I've heard
prayers said with such conviction,
or speed, as we did last night.
No, I always think
if we could be executed every day,
we'd all be better for it.
Yeah, I loved this one.
Good.
What about the professional view?
Yes, well, very good show,
I thought, David.
A good crowd, I had a nice evening.
But dominated, I thought,
by the performance
of young Ken Noakes
on his number five axe.
His father, of course,
was Vic Noakes,
who did Thomas More.
And I noticed he was using
the continental straight swish,
pause, chop and follow-through.
Very difficult one, that,
but I thought he did it very well.
If I may butt in here?
Yes, of course.
I think we ought to mention
the performance of Mr Jenkins,
who was executed.
I thought he was awfully good.
Oh, yeah, but he had the easy part,
didn't he, let's face it?
I mean, let's face it, anyone can
just walk up there and have it off.
It's the It's the chopping
that's difficult, yeah.
Bishop, I think you'd disagree
there, wouldn't you?
I don't think chopping requires
the same degree of skill
as, say, garrotting, throttling,
stretching, or even hanging.
We all know what our lads think
about hanging.
Ought to be abolished.
Oh, no, I don't agree. Surely
Are you arguing with me?
I've changed my mind.
Well, finally, Anthony Babington,
how did it strike you?
Very hard, David.
Just about here.
On that note,
we must leave it for tonight.
It's goodbye from me,
from the panel.
ALL: Good night.
We'll be back next week with
Hanging, Drawing and Quartering -
Should There Be Children's Matinees?
Good night.
CANNONS BLAS
The Armada, the might of Spain,
the greatest threat
Elizabethan England had to face.
And for a reconstruction
of this momentous sea battle,
over to Professor Weaver.
Good evening,
and welcome to my bathroom,
and, indeed, to my bath.
Now, I want to take you through
the events of the Armada,
and I want you to imagine,
if you can,
that this is the English Channel,
and I am England,
as indeed, I am English.
There. Ooh, that's better.
Well, you see,
it was a matter of sitting
in the English Channel or in my bath,
and if I'd sat in the English Channel,
I would have been totally submerged
and you wouldn't have been able
to see me or my Armada.
Now, I want you to imagine,
if you can,
that this leg represents
the coast of England,
which puts Spain
somewhere over there,
where you see the sign saying,
"Please leave the bath in the
condition you'd wish to find it."
My knee is Plymouth Hoe, all right?
On July 19th,
the Armada was first sighted
coming up the English Channel.
What a fantastic sight.
130 ships in V-formation.
If you imagine each duck
is worth about 60 ships,
that'll give you the idea.
And here is the flagship out in front.
What a magnificent vessel
the flagship must've been.
Truly magnificent.
I don't think that any nailbrush
could really do it justice.
What a magnificent nailbrush it is,
all the same.
Heading up the Channel and towards
Coming down the Channel
towards Dover,
or my tummy, as it now is.
Now, I want to make this
as authentic as I possibly can.
And here we have one of the beacons
which we should be able
to set fire to,
as they did,
to warn of the Spanish attack.
There it is, blazing,
throbbing out its message to every
corner of my body, or country.
Oh! Has it
Oh, that's ruined
my best tweeds, you see.
That's the trouble
with these things.
As they came down the Channel,
the English raiders shot out,
shooting back in and harassing them
as they came along.
There's Sir Francis Drake.
No, Sir Francis Duck, rather.
Get out there.
And on July 28th,
the French drew in at Calais.
No, where's Calais? There.
There, Calais,
where the Armada settled in.
And then the English navy
Now, what have I done with
the English navy?
Here's the English navy,
this'll be the English
Ah! Now I've got it. No, I haven't.
Yes, there is. The English navy.
The English navy fired back.
KNOCKING
Come on, Weaver, we want to use
the bathroom, you know!
All right, Mr Phillips!
Look, I've got cameras in here,
we're going through a battle,
you'll have to wait.
I'm sorry, that's the trouble
with sharing your bathroom
with lodgers, you see.
And so, as this battle
continued to fight
Oh, Lord, now I've pulled out
the beggar
WATER GURGLES,
LODGER YELLS
Will you leave me alone?
This was one of the most
momentous battles
in the history of England.
I'll knock this door down
if you don't hurry up, Weaver!
Oh, shut up.
At 3am, the Spanish opened fire.
LOUD BLAST,
PROJECTILE WHISTLING
SPLASH
Cannonballs, Philip?
You've gone too far!
All right, boarder, come here.
Oh, sorry about that.
War fever gripped England in 1588
as the Armada approached.
How was Britain prepared to meet
such a mammoth threat?
Were her naval leaders as calm
and collected as legend has it?
Was Drake really more interested in
bowls than in the Spanish invaders?
Roger Charlie 2.
Wilco.
Roger Bacon 4.
Charlie Apple 2.
Darker Grenville set.
LISPING:
Well, congratulations, Dwake,
everything theems to be
going extwemely thmoothly.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, I do believe
this is the best-organised
bowls championship I've ever theen.
Oh, oh, it's not perfect yet, sir.
Carry on, men.
But as you can see on the table,
we can see at a glance
who's playing who, when and where.
For example, that's Sir John Danvers
versus the Earl of Southampton.
Yes, and who is this?
Oh, well,
either we've run out of flags
or the Earl of Leicester's
playing with himself again.
Again?
And on the board over there,
we get the results of bowls matches
up and down the country,
almost instantaneously -
sometimes within a week.
Wemarkable.
SHE GASPS
Grenville said,
"Bacon Charlie Oyster."
Oh, God,
Grenville's bought it
in the first round.
Poor fellow. Oh, well.
FOOTSTEPS POUND
Oh, oh! Urgent message
from Plymouth Hoe, sir.
Message from Plymouth Hoe, sir.
Oh?
The Armada's been sighted, sir.
Oh, good. What's an Armada?
I don't know, sir,
but they're Spanish.
130 ships, 30,000 men, sir.
They're heading this way.
30,000 men?!
Right, drop everything.
This is an emergency.
Sergeant!
Yes, sir?
Find out if they've got
their own bowls.
Corporal, I want to know
straight away
why they haven't sent in their entry forms.
- Right, sir.
- Private!
- Yes, sir?
- Hold the draw for the fifth round.
- Yes, sir!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
That's the trouble with the Spanish,
they ignore the championship
for 12 years
and then send in a team
of 30,000 men.
God, the eliminating rounds alone
will take thwee years.
If only I'd known, if only
they'd sent in their entry forms.
God knows,
that's why I had them printed.
Steady now, steady, Sir Fwancis,
there's nothing we can do.
Oh, but where are they going to stay
and where are they going to practise?
Reply from the Oxford
English Dictionary, sir!
Reply from the Oxford English
Dictionary, sir!
They found out
what Armada means, sir.
It means invasion force.
Invasion force?
You mean the Spanish
haven't come to play bowls at all?
No, sir.
They've come to invade Britain!
Yes, sir.
To wape, wavage and pillage
this fair isle,
unthullied by foweign feet
for 500 years?
Yes, sir.
BOTH: Thank God!
The bowls championship can go on!
CHEERING
Bowls championship, come on!
Amongst all the illustrious names
of that illustrious age,
the most famous
is William Shakespeare.
And yet, paradoxically,
he's the one of whom we know least.
Who was William Shakespeare?
The controversy still rages.
Could all those plays -
comedies, tragedies, histories -
have been written by just one man?
Come back with me now and discover
the truth about William Shakespeare.
This is William Shakespeare,
the youngest
and perhaps the most prolific
of all contemporary dramatists.
He has already written
over a dozen plays
in the last four years,
as well as two narrative poems,
and nearly 50 sonnets.
IN UNISON: People often ask me
how I manage to write so much.
Well, I suppose I work pretty hard,
and I love it here in Stratford.
I like the people.
Just seeing them
often gives me ideas.
MAN: All together, all together!
That's it, all together.
This is the house I was born in.
ALL KNOCK
Let's hope there's someone in.
This was my room.
That was my bed.
That was my desk.
That is the ceiling.
But most of all,
I like to get away from people.
In the countryside,
a man can really be alone.
At the moment, I am writing
Midsummer Night's Dream,
Romeo And Juliet,
Hamlet and Dial M For Murder.
But somehow, I don't think that
one's going to work out too well.
HORSE WHINNIES
But after a day like this,
I always look forward to
getting back to Anne Hathaway.
I think she understands my problems
better than anybody.
Hello, Anne.
IN UNISON: Hello, Will.
The Tudor dynasty came to an end
as Queen Elizabeth
became King James.
So, join us again next week
with the Stuarts and
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER: Acknowledge
the divine right of James I!
And his superb left.
See the Civil War
in your own living room!
Have fun with the Puritans!
TOOTING
And cheer the Duke of Buckingham,
the power behind the throne.
Yes, it's all part of the complete
and utter history of Britain!
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
History. ♪
RATTLING
Thank you, thank you very much.
This is the first Elizabethan age,
the golden era.
More famous men
flourished under Elizabeth
than under any other sovereign.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
# History
Episode Fi-i-ive. ♪
Good evening.
Elizabeth I ruled England
for 43 years,
and yet in all that time,
she never married.
Not for want of suitors.
She was wooed by people
from all over Europe.
How was it, then, that she managed
to resist their attentions
and remain the Virgin Queen?
FANFARE
Your Majesty, the Queen approaches.
So, at last, I am to meet
this reluctant beauty,
this queen of modesty.
But where others have failed,
I shall win her heart,
and with it, England.
HE CHUCKLES
Her Most Gracious Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth of England!
My Spanish charm will coax
her sweet, reluctant heart.
PROLONGED FANFARE
JAUNTY MUSIC
Hey!
Hello! Hey!
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ah!
Oh!
MUSIC FINISHES
Do that strap up.
Well, how are you, then,
boys and girls? All right?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
- All right?
- Yes!
That's better. Ooh, that's better.
Well, I've just had a day out
with Sir Walter Raleigh.
Best night I've had for years.
No, really. Ooh!
We had a little meal
back at the palace,
tres intime, you know,
the music down low -
well, I mean,
it was practically on the floor!
I was ready to go, you know,
had my water wings in,
I give him the "Come hither",
he went thence!
Still, can't win 'em all,
can you, duckies?
Ooh!
Where's this dishy
King of Spain, then, eh?
Behind you!
Where?
Behind you!
Where?
Behind you!
Ooh, ooh, I say.
Oh, it's love at first sight.
Oh, you gorgeous Spanish hunk, you.
Oh, you little onion.
Oh, take me!
Do with me what thou wilt,
demon of desire.
Can this be she? Caramba!
Oh, Pedro, mwah! Mwah, mwah!
Oh, cheeky drawers!
Ooh! Huh-huh-huh!
Oh, lovely Spanish specimen,
take all of me!
Please, Your Majesty!
Oh!
Oh, it's Christmas!
Oy-oy-oy! He's trying to
get it out, Your Majesty.
Oh, help him, help him, come on!
Your Majesty,
I must return to Spain on business!
Oh, come to my hairy arms,
you marching mass of manliness.
Ooh, I must be off.
Just dump him in the kitchen.
Here, watch it, I do the jokies!
Ooh!
Argh!
Philip!
That is your name, innit, Philip?
Ah!
Philip, we were made for each other.
Let us caress in nuptial rapture.
No, I have been "deceiveled"!
Oh, it is monstrous,
it is grotesque!
I don't believe it!
He hasn't even seen it yet.
Ooh!
Come back, steaming Spanish sexpot!
DISTANTLY: No!
Has he gone?
Yes, Your Majesty.
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Really?
Yes!
SOMBRELY: It is well.
Loyal subjects
Your Majesty.
the threat of Spain is vanquished.
England and my honour
are saved again.
Let us adjourn
to Parliament House
for a bit of the other! Ooh!
JAUNTY MUSIC
Under Elizabeth,
England gradually expanded.
It was the age of exploration
and discovery,
and of famous sailors like Hawkins,
Drake and Sir Walter Raleigh.
Raleigh was a particular hero.
A whole generation of children
grew up wanting to be
like Sir Walter.
A difficult ambition, of course,
for the girls.
At this time, a large part
of the world was still unknown.
But it is indeed fortunate
that a film
of Raleigh's first expedition
to the New World has been preserved.
The commentary is taken from
the first mate's logbook.
'January 8th. On the high seas,
full sail and good speed.
Had eggs for breakfast.'
Land ahoy!
'May 4th. Land sighted.
We are at the threshold
of the New World.
Had kipper for breakfast.
Soon, we are sailing up the Orinoco,
when the first disaster hit us.
The compass broke.'
'May 18th. We made camp.
There is constant danger and it is
sometimes impossible to sleep.
But we must persevere.'
RIPPING
'And sleep overtakes us in the end.'
RIPPING,
BOING
BIRDS TWEETING
'Raleigh himself
often spends the whole night
sitting up by the fire, smoking.'
SPLASH
'There was constant danger
from the Spaniards, too,
so the petty officer slept
with a gun under his pillow.'
BANG
'June 8th. The days get hotter.'
'June 11th. The going gets tougher.'
'The jungle is taking its toll.
The men are dying like flies.'
Bzzz!
'But we kept going.
I don't know what it was
about Sir Walter,
but the men loved him.'
'June 25. Lost.
Sir Walter handed out
the last tot of rum.
From now on, there was
only Scotch or martini.'
'June 28th.
Face-to-face with Red Indians,
who, in exchange for
British-made goods,
seemed ready to give us
everything they had.
It seemed almost wrong to
take advantage of their simplicity.'
'July 7th.
We establish first English colony
in America.
Had heap big egg for breakfast.'
Elizabeth's reign,
like that of her father, Henry VIII,
was marked by numerous executions.
Of course, in those days,
executions were public spectacles,
and as such, provoked
much controversy and discussion.
REVERBERATING CLICKS
OMINOUS TONE
BECOMES MOODY JAZZ
Good evening and welcome
to Chopping Block.
Last week Last week,
we looked at the execution
of Mary, Queen of Scots
at Fotheringhay Castle,
and tonight,
we look at the execution last Friday
of EF Jenkins.
Now, here to talk about it
we have the Bishop of Filey.
Hello.
A well-known executioner,
who I'm sure we all recognise.
Good evening.
And Anthony Babington,
who has himself been executed.
Good evening.
RASPS
BURPS AND GURGLES
Bishop, would you like to kick off?
Oh, thank you, yes.
Well, of course, there's nothing
quite like a good execution.
And this one was top class.
The excitement of anticipation,
the glamour, the colour,
and of course, the prayers.
I can't think when I've heard
prayers said with such conviction,
or speed, as we did last night.
No, I always think
if we could be executed every day,
we'd all be better for it.
Yeah, I loved this one.
Good.
What about the professional view?
Yes, well, very good show,
I thought, David.
A good crowd, I had a nice evening.
But dominated, I thought,
by the performance
of young Ken Noakes
on his number five axe.
His father, of course,
was Vic Noakes,
who did Thomas More.
And I noticed he was using
the continental straight swish,
pause, chop and follow-through.
Very difficult one, that,
but I thought he did it very well.
If I may butt in here?
Yes, of course.
I think we ought to mention
the performance of Mr Jenkins,
who was executed.
I thought he was awfully good.
Oh, yeah, but he had the easy part,
didn't he, let's face it?
I mean, let's face it, anyone can
just walk up there and have it off.
It's the It's the chopping
that's difficult, yeah.
Bishop, I think you'd disagree
there, wouldn't you?
I don't think chopping requires
the same degree of skill
as, say, garrotting, throttling,
stretching, or even hanging.
We all know what our lads think
about hanging.
Ought to be abolished.
Oh, no, I don't agree. Surely
Are you arguing with me?
I've changed my mind.
Well, finally, Anthony Babington,
how did it strike you?
Very hard, David.
Just about here.
On that note,
we must leave it for tonight.
It's goodbye from me,
from the panel.
ALL: Good night.
We'll be back next week with
Hanging, Drawing and Quartering -
Should There Be Children's Matinees?
Good night.
CANNONS BLAS
The Armada, the might of Spain,
the greatest threat
Elizabethan England had to face.
And for a reconstruction
of this momentous sea battle,
over to Professor Weaver.
Good evening,
and welcome to my bathroom,
and, indeed, to my bath.
Now, I want to take you through
the events of the Armada,
and I want you to imagine,
if you can,
that this is the English Channel,
and I am England,
as indeed, I am English.
There. Ooh, that's better.
Well, you see,
it was a matter of sitting
in the English Channel or in my bath,
and if I'd sat in the English Channel,
I would have been totally submerged
and you wouldn't have been able
to see me or my Armada.
Now, I want you to imagine,
if you can,
that this leg represents
the coast of England,
which puts Spain
somewhere over there,
where you see the sign saying,
"Please leave the bath in the
condition you'd wish to find it."
My knee is Plymouth Hoe, all right?
On July 19th,
the Armada was first sighted
coming up the English Channel.
What a fantastic sight.
130 ships in V-formation.
If you imagine each duck
is worth about 60 ships,
that'll give you the idea.
And here is the flagship out in front.
What a magnificent vessel
the flagship must've been.
Truly magnificent.
I don't think that any nailbrush
could really do it justice.
What a magnificent nailbrush it is,
all the same.
Heading up the Channel and towards
Coming down the Channel
towards Dover,
or my tummy, as it now is.
Now, I want to make this
as authentic as I possibly can.
And here we have one of the beacons
which we should be able
to set fire to,
as they did,
to warn of the Spanish attack.
There it is, blazing,
throbbing out its message to every
corner of my body, or country.
Oh! Has it
Oh, that's ruined
my best tweeds, you see.
That's the trouble
with these things.
As they came down the Channel,
the English raiders shot out,
shooting back in and harassing them
as they came along.
There's Sir Francis Drake.
No, Sir Francis Duck, rather.
Get out there.
And on July 28th,
the French drew in at Calais.
No, where's Calais? There.
There, Calais,
where the Armada settled in.
And then the English navy
Now, what have I done with
the English navy?
Here's the English navy,
this'll be the English
Ah! Now I've got it. No, I haven't.
Yes, there is. The English navy.
The English navy fired back.
KNOCKING
Come on, Weaver, we want to use
the bathroom, you know!
All right, Mr Phillips!
Look, I've got cameras in here,
we're going through a battle,
you'll have to wait.
I'm sorry, that's the trouble
with sharing your bathroom
with lodgers, you see.
And so, as this battle
continued to fight
Oh, Lord, now I've pulled out
the beggar
WATER GURGLES,
LODGER YELLS
Will you leave me alone?
This was one of the most
momentous battles
in the history of England.
I'll knock this door down
if you don't hurry up, Weaver!
Oh, shut up.
At 3am, the Spanish opened fire.
LOUD BLAST,
PROJECTILE WHISTLING
SPLASH
Cannonballs, Philip?
You've gone too far!
All right, boarder, come here.
Oh, sorry about that.
War fever gripped England in 1588
as the Armada approached.
How was Britain prepared to meet
such a mammoth threat?
Were her naval leaders as calm
and collected as legend has it?
Was Drake really more interested in
bowls than in the Spanish invaders?
Roger Charlie 2.
Wilco.
Roger Bacon 4.
Charlie Apple 2.
Darker Grenville set.
LISPING:
Well, congratulations, Dwake,
everything theems to be
going extwemely thmoothly.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, I do believe
this is the best-organised
bowls championship I've ever theen.
Oh, oh, it's not perfect yet, sir.
Carry on, men.
But as you can see on the table,
we can see at a glance
who's playing who, when and where.
For example, that's Sir John Danvers
versus the Earl of Southampton.
Yes, and who is this?
Oh, well,
either we've run out of flags
or the Earl of Leicester's
playing with himself again.
Again?
And on the board over there,
we get the results of bowls matches
up and down the country,
almost instantaneously -
sometimes within a week.
Wemarkable.
SHE GASPS
Grenville said,
"Bacon Charlie Oyster."
Oh, God,
Grenville's bought it
in the first round.
Poor fellow. Oh, well.
FOOTSTEPS POUND
Oh, oh! Urgent message
from Plymouth Hoe, sir.
Message from Plymouth Hoe, sir.
Oh?
The Armada's been sighted, sir.
Oh, good. What's an Armada?
I don't know, sir,
but they're Spanish.
130 ships, 30,000 men, sir.
They're heading this way.
30,000 men?!
Right, drop everything.
This is an emergency.
Sergeant!
Yes, sir?
Find out if they've got
their own bowls.
Corporal, I want to know
straight away
why they haven't sent in their entry forms.
- Right, sir.
- Private!
- Yes, sir?
- Hold the draw for the fifth round.
- Yes, sir!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
- Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
Hold the draw for the fifth round!
That's the trouble with the Spanish,
they ignore the championship
for 12 years
and then send in a team
of 30,000 men.
God, the eliminating rounds alone
will take thwee years.
If only I'd known, if only
they'd sent in their entry forms.
God knows,
that's why I had them printed.
Steady now, steady, Sir Fwancis,
there's nothing we can do.
Oh, but where are they going to stay
and where are they going to practise?
Reply from the Oxford
English Dictionary, sir!
Reply from the Oxford English
Dictionary, sir!
They found out
what Armada means, sir.
It means invasion force.
Invasion force?
You mean the Spanish
haven't come to play bowls at all?
No, sir.
They've come to invade Britain!
Yes, sir.
To wape, wavage and pillage
this fair isle,
unthullied by foweign feet
for 500 years?
Yes, sir.
BOTH: Thank God!
The bowls championship can go on!
CHEERING
Bowls championship, come on!
Amongst all the illustrious names
of that illustrious age,
the most famous
is William Shakespeare.
And yet, paradoxically,
he's the one of whom we know least.
Who was William Shakespeare?
The controversy still rages.
Could all those plays -
comedies, tragedies, histories -
have been written by just one man?
Come back with me now and discover
the truth about William Shakespeare.
This is William Shakespeare,
the youngest
and perhaps the most prolific
of all contemporary dramatists.
He has already written
over a dozen plays
in the last four years,
as well as two narrative poems,
and nearly 50 sonnets.
IN UNISON: People often ask me
how I manage to write so much.
Well, I suppose I work pretty hard,
and I love it here in Stratford.
I like the people.
Just seeing them
often gives me ideas.
MAN: All together, all together!
That's it, all together.
This is the house I was born in.
ALL KNOCK
Let's hope there's someone in.
This was my room.
That was my bed.
That was my desk.
That is the ceiling.
But most of all,
I like to get away from people.
In the countryside,
a man can really be alone.
At the moment, I am writing
Midsummer Night's Dream,
Romeo And Juliet,
Hamlet and Dial M For Murder.
But somehow, I don't think that
one's going to work out too well.
HORSE WHINNIES
But after a day like this,
I always look forward to
getting back to Anne Hathaway.
I think she understands my problems
better than anybody.
Hello, Anne.
IN UNISON: Hello, Will.
The Tudor dynasty came to an end
as Queen Elizabeth
became King James.
So, join us again next week
with the Stuarts and
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER: Acknowledge
the divine right of James I!
And his superb left.
See the Civil War
in your own living room!
Have fun with the Puritans!
TOOTING
And cheer the Duke of Buckingham,
the power behind the throne.
Yes, it's all part of the complete
and utter history of Britain!
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
History. ♪
RATTLING
Thank you, thank you very much.