Con Man (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Baby Boom
Con Man - Episode 5 - "Baby Boom" Oh, my god! Oh my god! Stand back! - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
You fell You fell! Hello.
Do I know you? I I'm Wray.
Louise.
Are you here for the convention? Yes.
Yes, I am.
- Me too.
- Really? I got in last night.
I needed a new key.
Why are these babies so much quieter than their mothers? Cuz most of them are asleep.
Shh She Is breastfeeding? Now I know where powdered milk comes from.
Cuz she's old it's dust.
I adopted a little girl this morning.
She's asleep, upstairs.
You did? That's huge! My gosh! By yourself? Or is there a mister No, it's just me and Isabelle.
Oh, my gosh! So beautiful! Thank you.
You want to say hello? - Say hello.
- Mother what a doll.
- Holy shit, that's an actual doll! - Stop that! Watch your mouth, you son of a bitch! You alright? Are you alright? I think they're all dolls.
You said you were here with the convention.
There is a doll convention? I'm in the wrong hotel.
No, I'm in the right hotel.
You're here for the sci-fi convention? And you're judging - Us? - Wait So Isabelle Your baby Is a doll? She's as real as my feelings for her.
That's creepy weird.
- You're rude! - Come on Sci-fi fans have a sense of humor.
You should too.
Seriously! Two years ago, a kitchen fire claimed the life of my baby boy.
And a doctor said that I should adopt Isabelle as a therapeutic way of healing.
Seriously! But that's what I'm talking about.
I'm saying that laughter is a healing force.
For for good.
Oh, god! Come on! So sorry! I'm so sorry! - That is obviously your fault! - I'm so sorry.
Sign's crooked.
Get down! Close the ladder.
We've gotta open the doors.
Let's go people! Let's go! How's your room? - It's not great.
- Good! They had you in a suite and then I moved you to a junior economy.
And they paid the difference in cash.
You know, Bobbie most bookers - Negotiate up.
- I am! I'm up $100, Wray.
Cosplay judging in 5 minutes? Hey Hey, hey! Don't flash the cash! What the people are gonna think that I'm bribing a judge! Wait a sec You're competing In the cosplay contest? No, Wray I'm only dressed like this for nothing! I am Kakekoke Kakekokekai.
Yes, the Japanime ninja school girl in the show "Death Haii".
I don't know, I'm getting Japanime ninja Lunch lady.
- You know what, be careful.
- Alright.
- Where where the hell are we, Bobbie? - I don't know! But you better vote for me! I'm going sexy, and what, the other two judges are gay.
Meeting with Ron Slackskin? Who's that? Huh, I should have dressed as Norman Reedus.
Wait a second! Ron Slackskin, he's the guy with the action figure! I'm finally getting an action figure! Have you seen it? Come on, you can say, does it look like me? - I don't know! What's the difference? - If it doesn't - If it doesn't look like me, I'm not signing it.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You know what, this is a lot of money.
And 15% of it is mine.
So, why don't you wait here and someone will call ya.
Where are the rest of the judges? I don't know.
They probably got stalled by those crazy doll bitches.
- That's rude.
- Oh, Wray! They're freaks.
I'm gonna go get my sword and I'm gonna lube my haunches.
Why is it that all theaters smell vaguely like must in mattresses with gypsy ejaculate? - Good lord - Leslie Leslie Jordan? Wray - Nerely! - Yes.
Oh, I'm a huge fan! I love Spectrum! Really? Wow, well, I'm a huge fan of yours! I've never seen you at one of these things.
Well, I just booked my first superhero movie.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna start coming to these things! - Well, congratulations! - Yeah, I can't really talk much about the movie, now.
But umm I've been hired to play a mad scientist.
But I think, I'm gonna play a little bit more like a fussbudget.
- Like a fussbudget scientist? - Yeah.
- Whoops.
Hiya! - Hi.
- I think I'm lost.
- And now you're found.
Whoo girlfriend! You sparkle like a stripper's ass! See, I I as a gay man, I can appreciate females nonsexually.
Look at that! - I love Spectrum! - Oh, Wray - He's gay too.
Get on this, Wray.
- No, no, not gay.
Don't want to get in on that.
Stop it, stop it, stop it! Hey, why don't you come over here? I think you're supposed to be lined up Sir? I think you're supposed to be lining up over there.
Uh, people, hey Oh yeah, sweetheart, you're in the wrong spot.
Come with me.
- Bye.
- Bye, nice to meet you.
- Are you gay? - Are you? I'm invoking the Straight guy code of secrecy.
You don't even know the handshake? - There's a handshake? - Quick, what kind of underpants you got on? I don't know, they're They're tight.
They're white.
I bought them in a bag of 50.
Oh, you are Straight! I too am straight.
The gay thing, it's an act to bring in the ladies! - Yeah, oh, what? - There's a breed of woman that my perceived homosexuality ensnares every time.
Conservative cougar.
- Wow.
- Conservatives say That homosexuality is a choice.
They know that's corrosive black lie! In their heart of hearts The truth faintly beats out.
A little SOS says "Help me, Leslie Jordan.
I'm a shell.
Oh, I'm hollowed out".
Do you know what I fill that emptiness with? - Love.
- My big dick.
First I lie.
I say sexuality is a choice.
"My goodness, you're right.
You've got me!" But now I'm choosing differently and I choose you, you sexy bitch! It backs up their whole warped world view.
They surrender to me, Wray.
Like I am their savior.
I do butt stuff.
Whatever I want.
You do butt stuff? Umm you know, I don't know the definition of butt Stuff.
Don't you say a word.
- Zip it! Oh, hey, hey! - Hey, you guys.
- Leslie! - Hey, how are you? - Good.
- Good, it's good.
Hi, I'm I'm I'm - I'm Wray.
- I'm Sean.
- Oh yup, you guys don't know each other? - No, no.
I mean I know what you're from.
You're from "Serenity".
It was a great tv show.
I haven't seen it.
I saw some clips.
It's good stuff.
Oh, right.
Well "Serenity" was the movie.
The television show was "Firefly".
- It was? That's good stuff.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ex-Con.
The most extreme con in condom.
Give our judges a very Ex-Con welcome! - Judges! - Leslie! Judges, give me a wink when you're ready to start.
Leslie? Got it.
Wray? Got it.
Sean? Love it.
Alright, let's get started right away! Yo! Master Chief! Awesome! Kekokekokekokei! She's sexy! - What? Who? - Her.
She's sexy! Like a Rock formation can be sexy.
Or Leather furniture.
That's my convention booker.
There's nothing conventional about her! She's so agile.
Like a Greasy sexy rat! Like a dark squirrel! He is sexy! What? Hot! Like a meat stew.
From swamp Like a hot old meaty swamp.
What are you looking What are you looking at? That is not a he.
That's a she.
- Her name is Bobbie.
- So violent.
That's so embarrassing! Please don't tell her I said that.
Alright, I won't.
I love transgender people.
They are the most courageous people in the whole world.
Well, she's not.
Courageous? When have you ever had to fight for who you are? Check yourself! Courage makes my junk pop.
Oh, my.
Here comes the big finale.
Oh, my god! Ladies and gentlemen.
You've seen it here! - Hello beautiful.
- Hello beautiful.
The Ex-Con is extreme!
You fell You fell! Hello.
Do I know you? I I'm Wray.
Louise.
Are you here for the convention? Yes.
Yes, I am.
- Me too.
- Really? I got in last night.
I needed a new key.
Why are these babies so much quieter than their mothers? Cuz most of them are asleep.
Shh She Is breastfeeding? Now I know where powdered milk comes from.
Cuz she's old it's dust.
I adopted a little girl this morning.
She's asleep, upstairs.
You did? That's huge! My gosh! By yourself? Or is there a mister No, it's just me and Isabelle.
Oh, my gosh! So beautiful! Thank you.
You want to say hello? - Say hello.
- Mother what a doll.
- Holy shit, that's an actual doll! - Stop that! Watch your mouth, you son of a bitch! You alright? Are you alright? I think they're all dolls.
You said you were here with the convention.
There is a doll convention? I'm in the wrong hotel.
No, I'm in the right hotel.
You're here for the sci-fi convention? And you're judging - Us? - Wait So Isabelle Your baby Is a doll? She's as real as my feelings for her.
That's creepy weird.
- You're rude! - Come on Sci-fi fans have a sense of humor.
You should too.
Seriously! Two years ago, a kitchen fire claimed the life of my baby boy.
And a doctor said that I should adopt Isabelle as a therapeutic way of healing.
Seriously! But that's what I'm talking about.
I'm saying that laughter is a healing force.
For for good.
Oh, god! Come on! So sorry! I'm so sorry! - That is obviously your fault! - I'm so sorry.
Sign's crooked.
Get down! Close the ladder.
We've gotta open the doors.
Let's go people! Let's go! How's your room? - It's not great.
- Good! They had you in a suite and then I moved you to a junior economy.
And they paid the difference in cash.
You know, Bobbie most bookers - Negotiate up.
- I am! I'm up $100, Wray.
Cosplay judging in 5 minutes? Hey Hey, hey! Don't flash the cash! What the people are gonna think that I'm bribing a judge! Wait a sec You're competing In the cosplay contest? No, Wray I'm only dressed like this for nothing! I am Kakekoke Kakekokekai.
Yes, the Japanime ninja school girl in the show "Death Haii".
I don't know, I'm getting Japanime ninja Lunch lady.
- You know what, be careful.
- Alright.
- Where where the hell are we, Bobbie? - I don't know! But you better vote for me! I'm going sexy, and what, the other two judges are gay.
Meeting with Ron Slackskin? Who's that? Huh, I should have dressed as Norman Reedus.
Wait a second! Ron Slackskin, he's the guy with the action figure! I'm finally getting an action figure! Have you seen it? Come on, you can say, does it look like me? - I don't know! What's the difference? - If it doesn't - If it doesn't look like me, I'm not signing it.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You know what, this is a lot of money.
And 15% of it is mine.
So, why don't you wait here and someone will call ya.
Where are the rest of the judges? I don't know.
They probably got stalled by those crazy doll bitches.
- That's rude.
- Oh, Wray! They're freaks.
I'm gonna go get my sword and I'm gonna lube my haunches.
Why is it that all theaters smell vaguely like must in mattresses with gypsy ejaculate? - Good lord - Leslie Leslie Jordan? Wray - Nerely! - Yes.
Oh, I'm a huge fan! I love Spectrum! Really? Wow, well, I'm a huge fan of yours! I've never seen you at one of these things.
Well, I just booked my first superhero movie.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna start coming to these things! - Well, congratulations! - Yeah, I can't really talk much about the movie, now.
But umm I've been hired to play a mad scientist.
But I think, I'm gonna play a little bit more like a fussbudget.
- Like a fussbudget scientist? - Yeah.
- Whoops.
Hiya! - Hi.
- I think I'm lost.
- And now you're found.
Whoo girlfriend! You sparkle like a stripper's ass! See, I I as a gay man, I can appreciate females nonsexually.
Look at that! - I love Spectrum! - Oh, Wray - He's gay too.
Get on this, Wray.
- No, no, not gay.
Don't want to get in on that.
Stop it, stop it, stop it! Hey, why don't you come over here? I think you're supposed to be lined up Sir? I think you're supposed to be lining up over there.
Uh, people, hey Oh yeah, sweetheart, you're in the wrong spot.
Come with me.
- Bye.
- Bye, nice to meet you.
- Are you gay? - Are you? I'm invoking the Straight guy code of secrecy.
You don't even know the handshake? - There's a handshake? - Quick, what kind of underpants you got on? I don't know, they're They're tight.
They're white.
I bought them in a bag of 50.
Oh, you are Straight! I too am straight.
The gay thing, it's an act to bring in the ladies! - Yeah, oh, what? - There's a breed of woman that my perceived homosexuality ensnares every time.
Conservative cougar.
- Wow.
- Conservatives say That homosexuality is a choice.
They know that's corrosive black lie! In their heart of hearts The truth faintly beats out.
A little SOS says "Help me, Leslie Jordan.
I'm a shell.
Oh, I'm hollowed out".
Do you know what I fill that emptiness with? - Love.
- My big dick.
First I lie.
I say sexuality is a choice.
"My goodness, you're right.
You've got me!" But now I'm choosing differently and I choose you, you sexy bitch! It backs up their whole warped world view.
They surrender to me, Wray.
Like I am their savior.
I do butt stuff.
Whatever I want.
You do butt stuff? Umm you know, I don't know the definition of butt Stuff.
Don't you say a word.
- Zip it! Oh, hey, hey! - Hey, you guys.
- Leslie! - Hey, how are you? - Good.
- Good, it's good.
Hi, I'm I'm I'm - I'm Wray.
- I'm Sean.
- Oh yup, you guys don't know each other? - No, no.
I mean I know what you're from.
You're from "Serenity".
It was a great tv show.
I haven't seen it.
I saw some clips.
It's good stuff.
Oh, right.
Well "Serenity" was the movie.
The television show was "Firefly".
- It was? That's good stuff.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ex-Con.
The most extreme con in condom.
Give our judges a very Ex-Con welcome! - Judges! - Leslie! Judges, give me a wink when you're ready to start.
Leslie? Got it.
Wray? Got it.
Sean? Love it.
Alright, let's get started right away! Yo! Master Chief! Awesome! Kekokekokekokei! She's sexy! - What? Who? - Her.
She's sexy! Like a Rock formation can be sexy.
Or Leather furniture.
That's my convention booker.
There's nothing conventional about her! She's so agile.
Like a Greasy sexy rat! Like a dark squirrel! He is sexy! What? Hot! Like a meat stew.
From swamp Like a hot old meaty swamp.
What are you looking What are you looking at? That is not a he.
That's a she.
- Her name is Bobbie.
- So violent.
That's so embarrassing! Please don't tell her I said that.
Alright, I won't.
I love transgender people.
They are the most courageous people in the whole world.
Well, she's not.
Courageous? When have you ever had to fight for who you are? Check yourself! Courage makes my junk pop.
Oh, my.
Here comes the big finale.
Oh, my god! Ladies and gentlemen.
You've seen it here! - Hello beautiful.
- Hello beautiful.
The Ex-Con is extreme!