Cooking with Paris (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

[enchanting orchestral music plays]
[whimsical holiday music plays]
[music fades]
- [Paris] Hello.
- [man] Hello.
[Paris] I preordered a turkey.
[man] All right.
[Paris] Under Paris.
- [Paris] Ew.
- [man] How's that looking?
[Paris] Beyond.
[Paris] Oh my God! Oh. Look.
[disturbing music plays]
[poultry clucking]
[Paris] No!
[clucking continues]
[man] Fresh and juicy.
[sinister music plays]
Eugh.
- [distorted clucking]
- [screams]
[clucking]
[Paris] Ugh, I hate it!
[screams]
[man, distorted] Fresh and juicy.
[screams]
- [clucking]
- [screams]
[Paris] I'm gonna heave.
[upbeat whimsical music plays]
[Paris] I love cooking.
But I'm not a trained chef.
And I'm not trying to be.
I have a few go-to dishes.
Sliving nachos, jello shots, lasagna.
But I wanna mix it up,
so I'm expanding my repertoire.
I've found some brand-new recipes,
and I'm inviting my friends over
to test them out.
Will we create culinary magic?
- [woman] Moment of truth!
- [Paris] Wish me luck.
- [woman] Yes!
- Oh my God!
[Paris] Anything's possible.
- ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays]
- I love the holidays.
I've always spent them with my family.
We have presents, and a big tree,
and our traditional roasted turkey.
I'm starting my own family soon,
so it's important
that I learn how to make a holiday turkey.
But raw turkey grosses me out.
There's the skin, and the ribs
Dis-gust-ing!
I've never touched a raw turkey,
let alone cooked one.
This year, I'm challenging myself
to get over my issues
and cook a whole raw turkey from scratch,
like the grown-ass woman I am.
- [hip-hop plays]
- But I'm not about to eat it by myself,
so my holiday dinner will include
insanely funny and gorgeous
YouTube superstar Lele Pons,
so she can help me
laugh my way through the cooking.
Because turkey is so traditional
and I'm a rebel at heart,
I'm doing whatever I want
for the rest of the meal.
We'll be making my go-to,
cheesy mac and cheese
'cause trust me, it's easy and delicious.
The most important part of the holidays
is the decorations,
and glitter makes me happy,
so we'll elevate some simple sugar cookies
with couture decorations.
I'm ordering in some sides,
and we'll celebrate the festivities
with Lele's crew,
Twan Kuyper and Adam Waheed.
The decor will be
a cheerful rainbow wonderland.
I've made my list and checked it twice.
Forget my fears,
I'm making this year nice.
[music fades]
[insects chirping]
[Paris] I can't even lift it.
Oh, he's so heavy.
[grunts]
[groans]
[shrieks]
Oh my God, his wings!
[sighs]
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
Does it have a dick?
What is that?
Fucking heave.
- [upbeat big bang music]
- How to brine a turkey.
It's a long process,
so start the day before.
I was, like, the kid in school who refused
to even, like, cut open the frog
in whatever that class was.
This is even scarier.
[gags, groans]
There's a bag inside of him.
Ugh.
Now what?
"Wash the turkey off."
Bath time.
Hot tub.
"Pat turkey dry."
Ew.
[groans]
[exhales]
Oh my God!
Can't even look at you.
Eugh.
[music fades]
"Rub brine all over turkey.
Rub under the skin, into the cavity." Ugh.
[breezy jazz music plays]
[grunts]
[groans]
I feel like I'm massaging, like,
some fat, hairy, gross guy.
Ugh.
"Refrigerate turkey uncovered."
[music fades]
You better taste amazing.
[upbeat holiday music plays]
Literally makes
the entire refrigerator reek.
- [woman laughs]
- [Paris gags]
- Is this your first time making a turkey?
- [Paris] Yes.
- [holiday jazz music plays]
- [Paris] How to stuff a turkey.
Here's everything you need.
[dinging]
This covers it all.
Except for therapy.
[Charlotte]
"Stuff cavity with onion, lemon, apple"
- The whole thing?
- I guess.
It this all gonna fit inside?
This is crazy.
Like, who the hell invented,
like, stuffing a turkey's ass
with, like, fruits and vegetables?
Like, someone who is a huge perv.
[groans]
[Charlotte] Oh my gosh!
The upside-down neck is killing me.
- P!
- [Paris] Great, he's gonna explode.
Great, he's breaking apart.
No!
"Rub room-temperature butter
all over the turkey, under the skin."
- [Charlotte] Eugh! The skin! Eugh!
- [Paris] Gonna spray can it.
Oh! Aah!
So ugly.
Hate it.
Slippery slivs.
That's gonna be a buttery bitch.
- Oh yeah, the wine.
- [Charlotte] The wine. The wine.
The wine, 1 and 1/2 cups.
[Paris] I don't know how much that is.
- [Charlotte laughs] That's a whole bottle!
- [Paris] This'll be lit.
[dreamy jazz music plays]
[Charlotte laughs] Okay.
The wasted turkey goes in the oven.
It's so heavy.
[straining] Oh my God!
[Charlotte] Oh, be careful!
- [Charlotte exhales]
- [Paris grunts]
[Charlotte] Be careful.
- Yes!
- [music fades]
Peace. Huh?
[upbeat big band music plays]
- [woman] Hey!
- [Charlotte] Oh my gosh!
This tree is insane!
[Paris] Hi, guys!
You got dressed up for Christmas?
Slivington, come here!
- Hi, guys.
- [woman] Hey, Paris!
Looks awesome.
- [woman] How's it going?
- [Paris] Love it. Good.
- [woman] It's snowing in the dining room.
- [Paris] So cute.
- [smooches]
- [Charlotte laughs]
[Paris] You're a reindeer!
Oh, he's cutes!
Yes!
Cute!
Slivington, you're gonna be a star!
Three, two
- [Charlotte] Perfect.
- Hot.
- [Charlotte] Done.
- [Paris] Start cleaning up.
[music fades]
[chuckles]
P, that's a lot of Lysol!
There was a lot of dogs.
[Charlotte chuckles]
[laughs]
[Paris] Crushing it.
[doorbell rings]
[sweeping romantic music plays]
Wow! Wait, wait. What is this, Met Gala?
- Hi, sis. Yes.
- This is amazing!
This is am And the dog has one too?
- You look amaz
- It's Christmas, so I'm dressed up.
- But I'm not!
- You're present.
You look hot, you look elegant.
Is this your house?
[Paris] Yes. Have you been to this house?
You went to my other
[Lele] I went to the other houses.
- Slivington Manor.
- [Lele] Yes!
[Paris] Lele Pons
has been rocking the YouTube world
with millions and millions
viewing her videos.
She's a hilarious influencer,
actress, singer, and my friend.
- Wait, how did we meet first of all?
- I'm trying to remember. It was
I know how it was.
I was with Bella Thorne, and you came
I was like, "Oh my God! It's Paris!"
Right? Of course!
Everybody, like, "Oh my God, it's Paris!"
You were so nice.
I was like, "She's so nice!
I can't wait to see her again."
Then, obviously, you had the best parties
before Covid, and, uh
So the last party that I went,
I literally went with, like, a gown.
- [Paris] Yes, that was so good.
- [Lele] It was Maleficent.
And, like, I even go past Paris,
and I'm just, like, "I'm here too." Like
[laughs]
- [Paris] Cooking with Lele Pons.
- [breezy jazz music plays]
[Lele] What are we making today?
We're doing, like, a Christmas dinner.
I bought some sides, and we're making
mac and cheese and roasting a turkey.
Are you serious? So you're making me do
the hardest thing you can do in a kitchen.
Basically, yeah.
I did the beginning part
so you didn't have to, like, barf and die.
- Okay, okay, good! Okay.
- So now it's just goldening.
- And we're gonna do cookies too?
- [Paris] Mm-hmm.
I made those yesterday,
and we're gonna decorate them.
- [Lele] My God!
- Aren't they cute?
- 100%. Let's check on the turkey.
- [Paris] Let's check on this bitch.
[Paris] How to check on a roasted turkey.
"Turkey is ready
when thermometer reaches 165 degrees
- Okay.
- when inserted into the thighs of meat."
- [Lele chuckles]
- Eww.
- Okay.
- [Lele] All right.
- [Paris] All right. Ooh.
- [Lele] Wow!
- [Paris] Looks good.
- [Paris] So happy I didn't do anything
Like, this is all her!
- [Paris] Is a thigh
- [Lele] The thigh's that one.
- [Paris] This?
- [Lele] Yeah. That's the thigh.
[Paris] Ew. Do we keep this in
or is it gonna melt?
Oh, "161."
[Paris] Oh, 'cause it's not cooked
on the inside.
- Okay, that means more.
- Yeah.
So we don't, like,
kill Twan and Adam with salmonella.
- We would though. I would.
- [laughs]
[holiday jazz music plays]
Can you help me with my bow, please?
Just, like, fluff it?
Sliving.
If my dog pisses on the bow,
I'm gonna be furious.
[Lele laughs]
- Would you like kids? Do you want kids?
- Yes. Next year, I wanna have twins.
- Wait! Can you make your kids?
- Yeah!
- That's what
- I did IVF.
So you could pick boys, girls
Then can you make
'Cause I don't want them to have my nose.
- What?
- Yeah, like my nose is fake.
- It is?
- Yeah, like, I had a nose job.
It's amazing.
Yeah, but I can't have my kid
having my nose.
[Paris] Let's see what else we do.
- "Make mac and cheese. Cook the"
- [Paris] The Paris recipe.
- [Lele] Cool.
- [Paris] I'll grab it.
I know exactly what to do.
[Paris] How to make
Easy Cheesy Mac and Cheese.
Your friends will love this crowd-pleaser.
Mine always do.
[Lele] Wow, that
Oh wow!
- [Paris] This.
- [Lele] Mozzarella.
- A little butter.
- So you do everything all at Oh wow.
She's like
- 'Kay.
- Okay, so
Forgot how to do it.
"One, boil water. Two, drain."
- Add all that.
- This is the recipe for Paris? [laughs]
- This is Paris' recipe, guys.
- [Paris] Yeah.
Mine is basically like that,
- with all of this thrown on.
- All this stuff.
- [Lele] We have to put hot water, right?
- [Paris] Oh yeah.
Wow!
So that and then salt.
Why is this salt glittery?
'Cause it's glittery salt.
Every little detail is, like, perfect!
The salt is diamonds!
- Please!
- [laughs]
[Paris] That's how I roll.
[breezy jazz music plays]
[exhales] How are we going
with the butter?
It's great! It's just
- Fucking up your nails?
- [laughs]
[Lele] I never wear nails!
I think I need a little more
and then we're good.
[Paris] So, what's next?
One half quar
One quarter. Is it this?
Yeah, look at the little thingy.
- Oh. It's tiny.
- So it has to be that.
- Why is it so tiny?
- I don't get it.
- Makes no sense. Should we just change it?
- Probably.
One
- That.
- There! Yeah, let's do that.
I like milk.
[Lele] Then what else do we do?
- We have to put the cheese, no?
- [Paris] Yes.
[breezy jazz continues]
- Everything?
- Everything.
- This, that, this.
- [Lele] Mmm.
- You gonna put all of this?
- [Paris] Yeah.
[Lele] Wow!
All of it. All of it?
[Paris] Yeah.
[Lele] There's, like, 15 types of cheeses!
[Paris] Cheese is bomb.
[Paris] Mm-hmm.
- [Lele] I'm killing this.
- What do you usually have for Christmas?
It depends. I'm in Puerto Rico
every Christmas, so, the pork
- They literally kill it in my house.
- Pork?
- A pig?
- A pig.
- Aww!
- I know
- I'm not doing it!
- I had a pig named Princess Pigelette.
I will never eat pig again
because I'm obsessed with her.
[Lele] It depends what you want.
I'm usually like, "I don't want the pig!"
So random.
So my grandma
just does for me the tortellini.
- Oh wait. So what time is it?
- Oh shit.
- Oh my God, you were literally on time!
- Hey, on time!
- Okay.
- [Paris] You're psychic.
[jazz music continues]
[Paris] Careful. That's hot.
- Literally.
- [Lele laughs]
[Lele] Okay, I think this is ready now.
All right.
- [Paris] Yas!
- [Lele] Then you put that, I think, right?
[Paris] It's stuck.
- [Lele] Open it.
- [Paris] Oh my
[Lele] Open the vagina.
[both laugh]
Uno, dos, tres
Wow, we made it!
- [Paris] Yes.
- [Lele] To be honest, I didn't have faith.
[Paris] Well, we always had to have faith
that we could do anything.
[breezy jazz music playing]
Oh my God! So bomb.
- It's actually really freaking good.
- It's sick.
- Okay.
- Wow!
[Paris] Oh my God, it's so cheesy.
[Lele] It's so cheesy! I love it!
[Paris] Some of the best
mac and cheese in life.
[music fades]
- I'm gonna grab something.
- What?
[Paris] It's boring how it looks.
It needs to be hot.
- [upbeat orchestral music plays]
- This is cute.
Chanel.
[Lele] Look at that! Looks like a cake.
It really does.
And, like, Gucci.
This is sick.
- That's how you do it.
- Wow!
[Lele] Macaroni and cheese!
[music fades]
So, what are the names
of the kids that you want?
So the girl is gonna be named
London Marilyn Hilton Reum.
Wow. Okay, okay. I love that. London.
Yeah, London 'cause London Paris.
And then the boy, I don't
I can't think of, like, a cool city,
like, for a boy's name.
Denver?
Denver? Hmm.
- Denver. I never even thought of that.
- Yeah.
I was thinking of Ibiza, Vegas,
all my favorite cities.
But if my kid's named Ibiza,
it's gonna be, like, a rager.
- Rio? That's from Brazil.
- That's cute. You're really good at this!
- If I think of more, I'll give you more.
- Thank you, sis.
- Let's check on our sliving turkey.
- Yeah.
Is it sliving, or burning,
or buried?
[Lele chuckles]
Where's the, uh, stabber?
- Stab this
- It must be, like, right?
motherfucker.
[both laugh]
- All right, let's go.
- [laughing]
One, two, three, stab.
[upbeat jazz playing]
"170" Oh shit.
- [Lele] Okay, let's take him out, right?
- [Paris] Yes.
- [Lele] Oh, even the gloves are red.
- Obviously.
[straining]
So fucking heavy.
[Lele] Amazing!
- This is so pretty.
- [Paris] I know.
- [Lele] Wow!
- [Paris] Okay, squirt it a little.
[Lele chuckles] This
- [laughs]
- [Paris] Perfect.
- The boys are gonna be so impressed.
- [Lele] Oh my God, I know!
[music fades]
- So good, Paris.
- Cheese.
- Wow, you really love cheese.
- [Paris] Mm-hmm.
- I love everything that's bad for you.
- [scoffs] Me too.
Oh! What is this?
[whimsical jazz plays]
- Ring.
- Uh-huh, but a wedding ring!
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Sliving.
- [Lele] Oh my God!
When you get married, my God,
I am going there,
and I'm doing a tent outside!
I need you there.
I am gonna be there,
and I'm gonna be crying.
- [Paris] Yes!
- [Lele laughs]
- [breezy jazz plays]
- [Paris] How to decorate couture cookies.
I got all these at the Farmers Market.
How cute!
Okay, now we can definitely,
like, relax and talk.
This is fun.
[Paris] Oh yeah.
This is, like, a walk in the park.
[Lele] Who you gonna spend
Christmas with this year?
My boyfriend and his family.
- Our second Christmas together.
- [Lele] What?
[Paris] Yeah, we went to Montana,
which was so amazing.
- We just skied.
- I've never been. Do you like skiing or
- [Paris] Yeah, I love it.
- Wow!
I used to be on the ice hockey team, so
- [Lele] What?
- I'm a tomboy.
A lot of people don't know that.
Hey, so you're really, like
You like to do sports.
I like ice hockey.
I like skydiving, skiing,
jet skiing, water skiing.
[Lele] I love that.
I need a file with these stupid nails.
[Paris] Yeah, you did not bring
your cooking nails today.
- [Lele] No, because I wanted to look good.
- I feel you.
I've been on one this whole time,
you're on your fourth.
[holiday jazz music playing]
[Paris] Cute!
[blowing]
- [Lele] This is horrible!
- [Paris] No, it's cute.
- [Lele] I don't like it. It's really ugly.
- [Paris] No, it's cute. I like the purple.
[music fades]
Oh my God! You have, like, glitter
all over your nose.
And Okay.
Oh, oh! Yep!
[Paris] Oh.
- Etienne, will you help us? [laughs]
- Yeah.
[Paris] Hell yes.
- [holiday jazz music plays]
- Crushing it. [laughs]
The way that she looked at me,
she was like, "Oh" [laughs]
[Lele laughs] Oh.
- [Paris] Chic as fuck.
- [Lele] Right? Can't wait to eat it!
Oh my God, this is so cute!
That's amazing!
[Paris] So cute.
[Paris] Okay, let's get this turk.
Oh my God!
Oh wow! This is beautiful!
It really is. Lets stab it.
[chuckles]
Do it Stab it harder.
Oh my God!
- [Lele] Oh wow!
- [Paris] Wow!
- I feel like we need to make it cuter.
- [Lele] Yeah.
Like, designer turkey?
I feel like every turkey
should be like this.
Cute.
Sprinkle!
[Lele] Wow! Oh my God!
[Paris] Cute. What else?
- Christmas-y.
- [Paris] Very.
I wish we had, like, candles.
Oh my God, I have sparklers!
- You do?
- Yes.
- Oh my God, where?
- Yes!
[upbeat orchestral music plays]
- At least if he died
- [Lele] He died partying.
[Paris] for something. He was raging.
- [Lele laughs]
- [Paris] Cute.
We should write
like, tag our names on it.
[Lele] Sliving!
I can't wait until they see this.
[music fades]
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, are they here?
- Yes.
[sweeping romantic music plays]
- [Lele] Hey, guys!
- Hey!
- What's up, guys?
- How are you?
- What up?
- How are you?
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
[Twan] Hey.
- We could smell it from the street!
- Smells amazing.
- What happened to your face?
- What the hell?
["Vive Le Vent" by Dalida plays]
[song fades]
[Paris] Happy holidays!
- Ready for this?
- I'm so proud of us.
I'm so proud. We did the mac and cheese.
[Paris] This is bomb.
- Looks delicious.
- [Adam] Gucci mac and cheese?
- [Lele] Yes.
- [Adam] It's sold out everywhere.
It's sold out everywhere.
- Wild! Are those sparklers?
- Light the whole room up.
- Okay, here we go.
- Yeah. I feel like I'm in Miami at a club.
[all laugh]
- Oh my God!
- That is amazing!
- [Twan] Wow.
- So epic!
This looks amazing!
- [Paris] Yes! It's a party!
- [Twan] This is awesome.
[laughter]
Oh my God, I'm so happy. Yes!
- [Adam] I can't wait! I'm so hungry.
- [Paris] Do you want to cut it?
- Yeah, can we
- [Lele] You cut it
- I don't know how
- [Adam] I'll cut it.
- Yeah, you can do it.
- Oh my God!
- [Adam] Um
- I want this part.
[Twan] Go for it.
Oh shit! Pull these bitches off.
[Twan] Are you digging
a side hole in there?
[Paris grunts]
- [Paris] Have you done this before?
- I've cut turkeys, yeah.
- [Twan] Siri, how do we cut a turkey?
- But this The glitter is getting
- Oh wow! All right
- Oh my God!
[Adam] There we go.
- You want the first piece?
- Thank you!
- Yeah. It's the best part of the turkey.
- Yes!
- Got it!
- [Twan laughs] Oh!
- [Twan] Lele just grabbed the whole arm.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
- [Paris] I love this.
- Well, cheers, I guess.
- Are we gonna say grace?
- I pray this food is hot.
Loves it.
- Amen.
- [Lele] Amen.
- Amen.
- [laughs]
- [Twan] Wow, you're really good at this.
- [laughs] Yes!
[Twan] I'm down to try the mac and cheese.
[Lele] Let me help you guys.
[Adam] This is way better than Easy Mac.
- Way better.
- [Paris] Mm-hmm.
[Paris] We put in mozzarella and Parmesan.
- Everything!
- Like, every cheese you can imagine.
This is the first,
like, non-dry turkey I've ever had.
[Paris] Oh my God,
did you eat the whole leg?
- [laughs]
- [Paris] Yes!
Sliving.
- [laughing]
- [piano gently plays "O Christmas Tree"]
Cheers, guys!
[all] Cheers!
- Cheers!
- [Paris] Yes! Cheers!
Thanks for coming, guys.
[Paris] This year,
I overcame my fear of raw turkey.
You just have to make it yours.
And suddenly, whatever you're cooking
isn't all that scary.
- [Adam] I lost some of the cookie, but
- [all laugh]
- [Adam] It's pretty good.
- [laughter]
[Paris] So make your holidays
into whatever slays for you.
What? You think I'd leave you
on a chill moment?
[upbeat holiday music plays]
- Hi, guys.
- [Lele] This is amazing.
- [Twan] Ah, look at that!
- [Adam] Are those real?
- Yes.
- Hello! [clicks tongue] Hey! How are you?
[Adam] Oh my God.
I think he wants some turkey.
[Paris] She probably does.
[Lele] Look at this one!
[Lele laughs]
[Paris] Killing it, in this room.
[laughs]
[music fades]
[Paris] Gobble, gobble!
[sweeping romantic music plays]