Cooper's Bar (2022) s01e05 Episode Script
Done with Hollywood?
1
♪♪
Ooh.
Mary: Cooper!
Goddamn it.
I cannot come out
of a full day of sessions
and find the kitchen
looking like a slaughterhouse.
What is all this?
It's a chicken wing
challenge kit.
A rep from Smitty's
dropped it by.
Why?
They saw all the Cooper's
Bar social-media bullshit.
And get this.
They want to partner with us
to open a bar-and-wings joint
in downtown Buffalo.
Cooper's Bar
and Ultimate Wings.
Are you for real?
I think so.
They're sending
a contract over tonight.
Tonight?
And you want to do this?
We could go back
to Buffalo?
Yeah, I-I think so.
If the deal looks good,
you and me
Oh-ho!
We'll be walking
in Caze Park,
dining on Elmwood Avenue.
The gorgeous,
billowing snowfall
like a pillow
to lay your head upon.
Cooper, you're for real
this time.
Yeah.
But what about
your television show?
I mean, is that ever
gonna happen?
Really? This business.
I have a résumé from here
to Glendale Boulevard.
It means nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
We have a real chance
here to get out
and make a fresh start
in Buffalo.
♪♪
♪♪
[Sniffs] Ahh.
♪♪
Just like that, huh?
Without even notifying
your head of social media,
Cooper?
Oh, snap.
There's a wing
challenge tonight?
Let me get us all
some milk.
You know, milk, not water,
is the key to your mouth
not overheating.
I actually prefer
bread personally.
Okay.
Nowthe devil's
triangle brutal.
But nothing compared
to the homewrecker.
And just when you think
you're out of the woods
and you see the boom,
the perineum ripper
lays you out.
David: Cooper, please.
You've got to
clean yourself up.
Antonia's coming.
Cooper just said
he doesn't want to do
this goddamn
television show, David.
She's bringing the head
of the bloody studio.
Cyrus Long.
She said that he's open
to discussing
the role
of Cooper Marino.
Really?
Antonia convinced him
that if he sees you
in your natural setting,
he's gonna cast you
in an instant.
They're gonna be here
any second.
Honey, is it okay?
Just Just this
one last shot.
♪♪
Shit. What do I do?
Just be yourself, Cooper.
That's what
we're trying to sell, okay?
♪♪
♪♪
Hey. How you doing?
Brandon Washington, "Army
of the Unwanted" writer.
Let me offer you
a taste of Cooper's Bar.
This is our house cocktail
the Bacardi daiquiri.
It's very Hemingway of you.
Hmm.
[Snorts]
This place is absurd.
[Laughs]
Right?
Yeah.
Blue-collar antidote
to the evils of effete
Hollywood elitism.
There's an audience for
this version, I'm telling you.
Cooper: Mr. Long,
can I interest you
in a taste
of my hometown?
Buffalo, New York?
Hmm.
Mmm.
Oh, it's delicious.
My fourth wife was from Buffalo.
She made the two
before her look atrocious.
[Laughing]
Ha. Hey.
[Forced laughter]
So where's our star?
Oh, he's right here. Cyrus.
Oh, hi, Antonia.
You haven't been
returning my calls
or my e-mails or my texts,
but I see you've found time
to bring the head of the studio
to the Muppet Reunion.
[Chuckling]
Good evening to the second
biggest dick in Hollywood.
I learned from
the master, right?
Cyrus, this is who Antonia
wants to cast
in the lead of our show.
♪♪
Antonia, I really wish
you had shown this to me
before you dragged me
down here.
This man
this is a clown.
Hmm.
This is like a dancing
monkey for hire.
See, when we're talking
about authenticity,
we're imagining
we plucked someone
from their natural habitat
and they step into the role.
Right, Kris?
-Yes. Oh, yes, right.
Like Amy Schumer.
Right.
Or like
that bartender guy.
The, you know, chubby,
balding guy,
look like
a retired taxi driver,
you know,
on his first cruise.
You know, where'd he go?
You know, the one with
the wings and whatnot.
I'm I'm right here,
Mr. Long.
[Chuckles] Right.
Like that, right, Kris?
Uh
Brilliant idea, Cyrus.
I mean, you
you've got such an eye.
I think it's a wonderful idea.
I'm David Butler.
I'm the director
of the pilot.
I read that you studied
at Cambridge.
I went there.
Really?
For a weekend, yeah.
And here we are
taking over Hollywood.
I love breaking
new talent.
David, I am calling an Uber
for Antonia.
Why don't you open your app and
you might make rent this month?
I'm with Postmates
these days.
Okay, well, Cyrus,
I've already got Amy Schumer
in a holding deal.
Let's just blow out of here
and exercise our option.
Humor me.
Mr. Bartender
I'd like to hear you
do a line,
something like
I don't know
"Hi, I'm Cooper Marino."
What's your name,
by the way?
I'm Cooper Marino.
[Laughs]
So real.
You know, if I were
to cast this troglodyte
as Cooper Marino,
the show would be
a massive success.
Antonia: Cyrus, genius.
And only you have
the stones for this.
I mean, "Cooper's Bar"
could be your legacy.
Can you just stop,
Antonia?
Does your busboy
even want this?
Let me read you
a little text
I got from our overage
dinner-theater actor.
Here we go.
"Hollywood can go
fuck itself
so I can move back to Buffalo
and open a bar."
Would someone who really
wants it write that?
♪♪
♪♪
I would do anything
to play this part.
Cyrus, listen.
You hired me to always speak
the unvarnished truth,
and this man is no match
for Amy Schumer.
Antonia: Oh, come on.
Amy Schumer
is, like, a multimillionaire
Hollywood star.
She wouldn't be caught dead
in a place like Cooper's Bar.
So what?
Cyrus, you're always preaching
about authenticity.
What is more authentic
than an authentic bartender
playing the part
of Cooper Marino?
Yes.
Well, an authentic bartender
eating authentic wings
is really something to behold,
isn't it, Kris?
My God.
Jesus Christ.
Any schmo from Bug Tussle
can eat a gnarly buffalo wing.
I was really hoping
you'd say that.
♪♪
[Chuckling]
Alright, I see you.
But that's kid stuff.
Can you handle the heat?
Ripping perineums
is what I do for a living.
And it's true,
and she's good at it.
But does Mr. Barman
have the cojonesfor this?
Are you kidding me?
I got this.
It is on.
If the barman can outlast
Kris Latimer
in the hot wing challenge,
then the role is his.
What?
Fuck you, Cyrus.
Okay. Okay.
After I whoop his ass,
Antonia is fired,
Amy gets the role,
and I personally get to own
10% of the show.
It's a deal.
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
♪♪
Ooh.
Mary: Cooper!
Goddamn it.
I cannot come out
of a full day of sessions
and find the kitchen
looking like a slaughterhouse.
What is all this?
It's a chicken wing
challenge kit.
A rep from Smitty's
dropped it by.
Why?
They saw all the Cooper's
Bar social-media bullshit.
And get this.
They want to partner with us
to open a bar-and-wings joint
in downtown Buffalo.
Cooper's Bar
and Ultimate Wings.
Are you for real?
I think so.
They're sending
a contract over tonight.
Tonight?
And you want to do this?
We could go back
to Buffalo?
Yeah, I-I think so.
If the deal looks good,
you and me
Oh-ho!
We'll be walking
in Caze Park,
dining on Elmwood Avenue.
The gorgeous,
billowing snowfall
like a pillow
to lay your head upon.
Cooper, you're for real
this time.
Yeah.
But what about
your television show?
I mean, is that ever
gonna happen?
Really? This business.
I have a résumé from here
to Glendale Boulevard.
It means nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
We have a real chance
here to get out
and make a fresh start
in Buffalo.
♪♪
♪♪
[Sniffs] Ahh.
♪♪
Just like that, huh?
Without even notifying
your head of social media,
Cooper?
Oh, snap.
There's a wing
challenge tonight?
Let me get us all
some milk.
You know, milk, not water,
is the key to your mouth
not overheating.
I actually prefer
bread personally.
Okay.
Nowthe devil's
triangle brutal.
But nothing compared
to the homewrecker.
And just when you think
you're out of the woods
and you see the boom,
the perineum ripper
lays you out.
David: Cooper, please.
You've got to
clean yourself up.
Antonia's coming.
Cooper just said
he doesn't want to do
this goddamn
television show, David.
She's bringing the head
of the bloody studio.
Cyrus Long.
She said that he's open
to discussing
the role
of Cooper Marino.
Really?
Antonia convinced him
that if he sees you
in your natural setting,
he's gonna cast you
in an instant.
They're gonna be here
any second.
Honey, is it okay?
Just Just this
one last shot.
♪♪
Shit. What do I do?
Just be yourself, Cooper.
That's what
we're trying to sell, okay?
♪♪
♪♪
Hey. How you doing?
Brandon Washington, "Army
of the Unwanted" writer.
Let me offer you
a taste of Cooper's Bar.
This is our house cocktail
the Bacardi daiquiri.
It's very Hemingway of you.
Hmm.
[Snorts]
This place is absurd.
[Laughs]
Right?
Yeah.
Blue-collar antidote
to the evils of effete
Hollywood elitism.
There's an audience for
this version, I'm telling you.
Cooper: Mr. Long,
can I interest you
in a taste
of my hometown?
Buffalo, New York?
Hmm.
Mmm.
Oh, it's delicious.
My fourth wife was from Buffalo.
She made the two
before her look atrocious.
[Laughing]
Ha. Hey.
[Forced laughter]
So where's our star?
Oh, he's right here. Cyrus.
Oh, hi, Antonia.
You haven't been
returning my calls
or my e-mails or my texts,
but I see you've found time
to bring the head of the studio
to the Muppet Reunion.
[Chuckling]
Good evening to the second
biggest dick in Hollywood.
I learned from
the master, right?
Cyrus, this is who Antonia
wants to cast
in the lead of our show.
♪♪
Antonia, I really wish
you had shown this to me
before you dragged me
down here.
This man
this is a clown.
Hmm.
This is like a dancing
monkey for hire.
See, when we're talking
about authenticity,
we're imagining
we plucked someone
from their natural habitat
and they step into the role.
Right, Kris?
-Yes. Oh, yes, right.
Like Amy Schumer.
Right.
Or like
that bartender guy.
The, you know, chubby,
balding guy,
look like
a retired taxi driver,
you know,
on his first cruise.
You know, where'd he go?
You know, the one with
the wings and whatnot.
I'm I'm right here,
Mr. Long.
[Chuckles] Right.
Like that, right, Kris?
Uh
Brilliant idea, Cyrus.
I mean, you
you've got such an eye.
I think it's a wonderful idea.
I'm David Butler.
I'm the director
of the pilot.
I read that you studied
at Cambridge.
I went there.
Really?
For a weekend, yeah.
And here we are
taking over Hollywood.
I love breaking
new talent.
David, I am calling an Uber
for Antonia.
Why don't you open your app and
you might make rent this month?
I'm with Postmates
these days.
Okay, well, Cyrus,
I've already got Amy Schumer
in a holding deal.
Let's just blow out of here
and exercise our option.
Humor me.
Mr. Bartender
I'd like to hear you
do a line,
something like
I don't know
"Hi, I'm Cooper Marino."
What's your name,
by the way?
I'm Cooper Marino.
[Laughs]
So real.
You know, if I were
to cast this troglodyte
as Cooper Marino,
the show would be
a massive success.
Antonia: Cyrus, genius.
And only you have
the stones for this.
I mean, "Cooper's Bar"
could be your legacy.
Can you just stop,
Antonia?
Does your busboy
even want this?
Let me read you
a little text
I got from our overage
dinner-theater actor.
Here we go.
"Hollywood can go
fuck itself
so I can move back to Buffalo
and open a bar."
Would someone who really
wants it write that?
♪♪
♪♪
I would do anything
to play this part.
Cyrus, listen.
You hired me to always speak
the unvarnished truth,
and this man is no match
for Amy Schumer.
Antonia: Oh, come on.
Amy Schumer
is, like, a multimillionaire
Hollywood star.
She wouldn't be caught dead
in a place like Cooper's Bar.
So what?
Cyrus, you're always preaching
about authenticity.
What is more authentic
than an authentic bartender
playing the part
of Cooper Marino?
Yes.
Well, an authentic bartender
eating authentic wings
is really something to behold,
isn't it, Kris?
My God.
Jesus Christ.
Any schmo from Bug Tussle
can eat a gnarly buffalo wing.
I was really hoping
you'd say that.
♪♪
[Chuckling]
Alright, I see you.
But that's kid stuff.
Can you handle the heat?
Ripping perineums
is what I do for a living.
And it's true,
and she's good at it.
But does Mr. Barman
have the cojonesfor this?
Are you kidding me?
I got this.
It is on.
If the barman can outlast
Kris Latimer
in the hot wing challenge,
then the role is his.
What?
Fuck you, Cyrus.
Okay. Okay.
After I whoop his ass,
Antonia is fired,
Amy gets the role,
and I personally get to own
10% of the show.
It's a deal.
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪