Count Arthur Strong (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 CAR HORN BLARES You bloody idiot! Can you not see I've got a dog with me? Right, are you all here? One, two, three It's nearly enough, come on.
Come on, come on, let's get down here.
Stop pulling, you! DOG BARKS Stop it! What's going on here? DOG BARKS Oh! Come on, we're going back up this way.
Get back on the pavement, come on! Of course he's late, he doesn't know what time is.
I'm going to have to go.
It's a shame.
I think you've had a lucky escape, to be honest.
Why you want any more of HIM in the book Michael, I hate to say this, but every time he pops up in the book, it's wonderful.
He's a character.
Yes Yes, he is a character.
The book just springs to life.
It's suddenly so full of fun and energetic.
It crackles with life.
Do people really want to read a book like that? Yes.
Yes, they do.
Mmm Just fill him in a bit more.
You said he was an actor at one point.
That's what he told me.
I got him a job in a radio play - the director will never work again.
SHE CHUCKLES It's not funny, Sheila.
He brings chaos and misery wherever he goes.
It's really beginning to get me down.
I think I've had quite enough of Count Arthur Strong.
Hello, Michael.
Hi.
Eggy.
I'm late.
Love you! See you.
You are waiting for a woman! I met a woman.
Just there.
I was right.
I have the gift, you see.
The second sight.
Yes.
(Or just sight.
) The shadow of death.
What? The shadow of death is here.
What do you mean? You are in grave danger.
Why am I in danger? BARKING Come on, you bloody thing! Get in! Where have you been? What's going on?! I've got my dog walking today, you knew that.
And I tell you what, they walked my bloody legs off, this lot have, and you have to pick up all the mess.
Arthur You can't bring a bag of poo into a cafe.
Why not? Oh, don't tell me, bloody Brussels! No, it's not Brussels, Arthur, it's everyone.
Everyone agrees on that.
Katya, my Polish princess, I'll chat to you later.
Something big has come up.
Here, I need a favour, I need you to hold onto these.
Where are you going? The owners will be by to pick them up.
I'll have your umbrella as well.
Arthur, don't do this! Don't do this to me! I don't think Bulent will like you bringing them dogs in.
I haven't brought them in! Unless they're guide dogs.
HEY! You can't bring those dogs in here! I didn't, I haven't.
I think they're guide dogs.
You can't bring dogs into a cafe! I think you can if they're guide dogs.
They're not guide dogs! Does this look like a guide dog? Take them out! Move, move, move! They're Arthur's.
I'm holding them for him.
No dogs allowed in the cafe! It's a cafe! What's this? That's not mine! I have nothing to do with that! Thank you very much, that was great.
Really, really good.
(Very impressive.
) So it's a dog act? No.
Well, it's not a dog act per se.
I mean, there's two of us up here, so it's a dog and a human act.
Sorry, I pointed the wrong way round then.
Human, dog.
Yes But what I would make clear at this moment is that the dog is very much the junior partner in what we're doing, so I'd ask you to address any future questions to me.
Right He's not the brains of the operation.
No offence.
(I mean, dogs don't have much of a brain, do they?) If they did, they'd be ruling the world, riding round on horses with machine guns, like the monkeys did that time.
Glad all that's blown over.
Oh, sorry.
I just started thinking about monkeys' bottoms then.
You know, the red ones.
Horrible! I won't be able to get that out of my head now.
Shall I start, then? Yes, I know I'm not the man.
I'm obviously a different man.
He gave me the dogs.
I don't know why you're all taking it out on me.
Anything you can do I can do better I can do everything better than you Yes, I can Yes, I can Yes, I can.
Yes, I ca-a-a-an I don't drink from a bowl.
That's not how I roll.
HE BEATBOXES BADLY HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY LOUD COUGHING CONTINUES I don't know what to say.
This is the last dog.
But that's not Bunty! I know, but it's the only dog I have! Where is the bloke that I paid to walk him? I don't know! Well, that was a waste of bloody time, wasn't it? Oh, thank God.
Your problem is you've no ambition.
How hard can it be to hold me by the hand and dance around like a little gentleman? Eh? I don't know Bunty! Give him here! I'm not using you again.
Where were you? I've been threatened with legal action.
Who's that, then? What do you mean? That's not one of the dogs I had.
What? That's not one of my dogs.
Well, you gave him to me.
Did I? Must have picked an extra one up at the park.
Do you want to buy him? No! You have to get it back to its owner.
Check the collar, see if there's a number or something.
There might be a reward! DOG GROWLS I don't think he wants me to.
Hang on, I'll do a bit of dog whispering.
(Shut up.
) Now try.
DOG BARKS Ow! Ow! It bit me! It bit me! Always looks uncomfortable to me.
It looks sore, doesn't it? What, my hand? No, monkeys' bottoms.
You know, the big red ones.
The ones that look like a parachute's started to come out.
I wouldn't like to sit on that if I had one.
What are you talking about? Monkeys' bottoms! How is the book coming on? I don't want to talk about the book.
I just want to concentrate on getting to the hospital with my mutilated hand.
Oh, go on.
I don't know why you don't let me have a look.
Why are you coming with me anyway? Katya asked me to come.
Why is she coming? I don't know.
God, I hate all this.
What? All this.
I hate hospitals, I hate doctors.
I was a doctor once.
What? Oh, yes, a very good one too.
What sort of doctor? They never told me.
What are you talking about now? I was in an episode of Emergency Wardsomething.
I was Dr Two.
I was supposed to be Dr Three, but they bumped me up when the other one got irritable owl syndrome.
I had a line in it and everything.
Go on.
Well Let's hear it.
Let's hear the line.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT DRAMATICALLY It's outside my area of expertise.
I'm afraid! Arthur how did you come to believe that you could act? What? This is how you say that - "It's outside my area of expertise, I'm afraid.
" No, no, no.
It doesn't sound as if you're afraid of anything if you say it like that! He's NOT afraid of anything! Then what he's saying it for, then? It's a phrase! He's not saying he's afraid of things that are outside his area of expertise.
That's not a frightening thing.
Oh, what would you know? I know more than you do, I tell you that.
You playing a doctor? I'll tell you what that is, that is miscasting.
You're more of a crazy grave-digger.
Or a village idiot.
What you're not is anyone that people might mistake for a person in authority, like a doctor.
You can't act, Arthur! You can't act! That is the dog that bit you talking.
You don't know what you're saying.
AAAARRRGGGGHHH! That's a safety hazard! What is that? Oh, of course.
Come on, I know you're in there! HE GRUNTS I got you! COINS FALL Where's that gone now? Everybody up, come on.
Oh, no, it's over there.
AAAARRRGGGHHH! ARTHUR BREAKS WIND HE SPITS Wuuuurgh! What's going on with these, then? WHY ARE YOU HERE?! You can go home! There's no reason for you to be here! Katya wants me here.
Why is she here?! I'm the one that needs to see somebody! Oh, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to see what's what.
No, don't, leave them alone! Ohhh Do you know how long she has been waiting? You'll be seen as soon as possible.
Katya, why are you here? I would never pass up a lift to the hospital.
Is there actually anything wrong with you? No.
Right.
I'm sure the doctor will find something.
I actually do have something wrong with me.
Yes.
My hand.
Oh, that too.
Yes.
Yes.
What? Katya Zaritska? Bingo! Here we are.
Come on, Katya.
I don't believe this.
She's only here recreationally! Michael Baker? Yes, here, thank you.
Right, then I'll just sit in here by myself, then, shall I? Don't worry about me.
Yes, good idea.
I'll have a look at a magazine.
Cor, these bloody chairs.
They're a disgrace! You're right to bring your own.
I wish I'd thought of that.
Right, let's see what rubbish is in here.
Jordan.
Oh, dear, look at the state of her.
"Why I talk to my boobs.
" Dear, oh, dear.
And to think she's got the nerve to call herself somewhere out of the Bible! Now, where do you find out why she does it? Hmm The bite's really quite deep.
What sort of dog was it? Um, I don't know about the different types of dogs.
What happened to the dog? It ran off.
Why, should I have brought it? It's a good job you came in quickly.
You need a tetanus shot and we may need to take a blood sample.
What? Why? Well, we don't know anything about the dog that bit you, do we? Better to be safe than sorry.
I'm not in any danger, am I? No, it'sreally just for my own curiosity.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm following your finger.
Yes.
I'm following your finger.
Haven't you got any cushions? No! It's scandalous! Suppose someone came in with a bottom like one of those monkeys? I wish I could stop thinking about that.
What would you do then if one of them came in? Chairs like this should be against the Human League Convention.
There's no friction on them! I keep sliding off.
My thighs are killing me.
I'm having to support all my own G-force.
Lookyou can sit in the patients' waiting room.
How about that? Thank you, umGhita.
Just behave yourself, all right? I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
No-one will know I'm there.
AAAARRRGGHHH! Will you please get away from me?! No, they're the same seats! What's in here? DOCTOR YAWNS Ohhhh! HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY It's more commonly known as rabies.
Rabies?! I have rabies?! No, no.
That's not what I said.
I just need to do a biopsy to rule it out.
Rabies! Rabies! I thought you got rid of that in the '70s! Seriously I don't believe it! Seriously, there is nothing to worry about.
In the highly unlikely event that it iswhat I think it is, well, if you catch it early, it's rarely fatal.
Who's this? The police sent a sketch artist.
We may need to put out a description of the dog.
He's going to kill me He's not going to stop until he's killed me! Lollipop? VIOLENT SCRABBLING INDISTINCT CONVERSATION Good afternoon, everyone.
I see.
Yes, we have a few new faces here today, so I'd like our team to make the new arrivals feel as welcome as possible.
ALL EXCHANGE GREETINGS Hello, hello! Lovely to meet you.
Hello.
Hello.
Right, good.
Lots to do, so I suggest we take a two-heads-are- better-than-one approach.
If you pair up with someone and be as helpful as we can to ournewbies.
We seemed to have a spare.
Dr? Doctor Two.
Hello.
Doctor Two? Unusual name.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Are you a stray, then? You could say that.
HE SIGHS Oh, God! God! Oh, Katya What are you doing here? The doctor found something wrong with me, so it wasn't a wasted trip.
How are you? I'm not great, to be honest.
It's two o'clock.
I've been here for hours.
Katya, you remember when you talked about the shadow of death? Oh, yes.
And then Arthur came into the cafe.
Is it Arthur? Is Arthur the shadow of death? No, no, no! I got it completely arse-ways.
Arthur is not the shadow of death, quite the opposite.
You know, every day I come to Bulent's cafe.
There are many cafes closer to where I live, but I choose Bulent's.
For the soup? The soup is good, but it is not for the soup.
I come because every time Arthur calls me his Polish princess, I feel like I'm 20 years old again.
I know he's frustrating, I know he's impossible.
But I feel I wish everyone could know him a bit.
Life seems too long when there is no Arthur.
Katya, I think he's going to kill me.
I have rabies, Katya.
Rabies.
The shadow of death, you said.
You said! Believe me, I couldn't have been more wrong.
You have nothing to fear.
I was eating that! But you can have it.
DRAMATIC, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC How aboutthat? None of these are remotely like the dog that bit me.
Oh, well, I've never been very good at dogs.
If it is rabies, we're talking about a potential national emergency.
I know that, that's why I need to do the biopsy.
I know it's very unlikely With respect, I think you may have jumped the gun a little with your diagnosis.
ARTHUR: Hmmm You disagree? Well Yes And no So do you agree we need to rule it out? Well You could put it that way You think we should continue with the biopsy? Oh Well HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY All right, all right.
Better safe than sorry, I suppose.
Carry on, Dr Freeman.
Thanks, everyone.
Hmmm Yes Oh HE CONTINUES MUMBLING So, Michael, we have an observer in today.
You have no objections, do you? No, no So, this is Paul, he's our anaesthesiologist.
He's going to get started and then I'll pop back before you go under, OK? Right And he's qualified, is he? Hope so! OK, so you should feel the effects of that in a few seconds.
All right, Michael? That's not so bad HE CHUCKLES WEAKLY It's a bit like having a bubble bath.
It's rather nice Thanks for your input earlier.
This is a needle biopsy, so we will be administering a general anaesthetic for the patient's comfort.
Yes.
How is the patient's blood pressure? Pretty good, pretty good.
Paul is one of our best.
OK, Michael, this is Dr Perle and Dr Two.
Hello, Michael.
INDISTINCT CRIES OF PROTES Dr Two will be observing, if that's all right by you.
GARBLED: Eee no a o'or! Ee no a o'or! Ee! He no a octor! He's! He no a octor! HE RAVES INCOHERENTLY Ee no a o'or.
Michael, what are you doing? HE RAVES Just lie down, Michael.
Just lie down, please! HE RAVES INCOHERENTLY Michael Michael, please Michael Ee no a o'or! He's not wearing any underpants! Help! Help! HE RAVES HIS VOICE FADES I've never seen anything like that in my life.
What was he saying? I don't know, nonsense phrases.
I'm not sure what it actually means.
I've never seen anything like it! Have you, Doctor? It's outside my area of expertise.
I'm afraid! There's no need to be afraid.
Look, he's just going under now.
You're safe.
And then they put the needle right into the hole! I couldn't believe it! Stop talking about that.
I don't want to think about it.
I know.
It's like me and those monkeys' bottoms.
Or YOUR bottom! That's up there too now.
Arthur, what are we doing here? We can go.
I don't have rabies, Arthur.
No, I know, but I'm going to wait for Katya.
Oh, yes, Katya.
Well Do you mind if I leave? Of course not, all you've been through.
They don't look very There's a knack to it.
I'll be all right.
Can't let Katya go home alone.
All right, well Bye I'm sorry, did you say Katya? Has she left already? Katya Zaritska? Yes, that's her.
I'm so sorry I'm afraid I'm afraid she's gone.
No, no, she wouldn't have left without me.
No, I mean she passed.
I'm sorry, Ghita, could you repeat that, love? She died.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, I'm not having that.
She only came in to see if anything was wrong with her.
There was.
Apparently, she'd been ill for quite some time.
Are you family? Um Er, no.
We're just We're just friends.
I'm so sorry.
Are you all right, Arthur? No, no, I'm not having that.
They've made a mistake.
She was in the prime of life! This is a terrible hospital! Look how far I got! I'd have made director-general if I'd been in earlier.
No, no I'm not having it.
What's happened here is Someone's HE MUMBLES I was supposed to take her home! What am I going to do now? WRAPPERS RUSTLE They're good, these.
They're not bad, are they?