Coupling (2000) s01e05 Episode Script

Georgia.
No.
It's too ordinary.
Sofia.
No.
It's too obvious.
I was right.
It's a foreign language book.
- That's good.
- Why? Intellectual depth.
She's learned a new language.
There's a bit more ???.
That's not bad, Jeff.
Here's the first time you've managed to express your view without ??? my opinion, obviously.
Plus learning new language is like a whole work-out for the mouth.
There are times that I worry about the way you see women.
I see women as people in the wrong right.
In many ways, they are.
You see women as transport for breasts.
I can see past breasts now, Steve.
I need more than that.
Yeah, I can tell.
I need breasts with brains.
I don't mean individual brains, obviously.
I mean, not a brain each.
I like intelligent women, but you've got to draw the line somewhere.
And you draw the line in intelligent breasts.
I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
Besides, you give breasts a part of independent thought, and the next thing is they don't get on.
There's a clash of personalities.
Yes, it so often happens with similar people in similar jobs.
- Working in the same bra - Exactly.
??? It can be tough image to ??shape?? really, isn't it? I've got an idea for a new porn-film.
You know what would be the best way to wipe out all of humankind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind-ray? No, I don't believe it's ??ever?? come up to me.
Make all women telepathic.
Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they'd kill us all on the spot.
Men are not people.
We are disgustoids in human form.
Wabble wars.
What? Wabble wars.
The title for the new porn film about the battling breast-brains.
In the event of the mind-ray alert, stay next to Patrick.
Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick.
Women think we are normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people.
We say "Hello", "How are you?", "Haven't seen you in this place for ??four??", "What kind of music do you like?" But all the time in our brains we've got the word "Breasts" on a loop.
If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting BREASTS, BREASTS, BREASTS, BREASTS!.
.
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I certainly did.
- You've got a glance, Jeff.
- No.
Yeah, I confirm that was a glance.
We have confirmed glancing.
Ok.
Try to maximize your advantage.
Get over there and talk to her.
Don't say "Breasts".
- I can't talk to her now.
- Why not? - I've been watching her for an hour.
- So? What do you mean, "So"? I'm way past the nudity buffer, be serious! When you say things like nudity buffer, do you actually expect people to understand what you are talking about? Right.
When you first see an attractive woman, you've got a nudity buffer of maybe five minutes before you fully mapped out what she looks like naked.
A whole five? You got to assess her nipple type.
That takes time.
Good point.
If you got get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes, it's too late.
Because then she'll be naked in your head, and you'll forget rule one of playing it cool Which is? Only smile at her face.
Forget the nudity buffer, she've just ??? glance.
Forget it.
Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick?! Did I ever tell you about the little ??? in my office? Never mind about that ???.
Been there two years.
But I missed the buffer.
That ??? has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on a furniture! I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room.
Everytime she passes me in the corridor, I walk sideways into the ??wall??.
She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.
- Jesus.
- Definitely a look.
Possibly even in linger.
She touches her hair, you're in.
Her hair? Yeah, the second ??? is to worry about the hair.
When ??? see someone alike.
Just generally.
This is not a drill!!! ??? Incoming! Right, Mr.
Spok, ??? the Enterprise on red alert! And you know what that means? Captain Cooke, it is time to shag the alien's girlfriend.
Do you remember when Capt.
Cooke's ??? beautiful women ??? scream and go all misty? I thought his eyes were steaming up 'cause he was so excited.
I thought his eyes were steaming up 'cause he was so excited.
Jeff! Jeff! Everytime I talked to a girl in my class I tried to make my eyes steam up they called me "Scary Jeff".
- Scary Jeff, beam over! - I can't! Just ??get?? with her and get ??her?? some drink stuff.
Chatting casually is dead easy.
And the next time you walk past the office ??? you just smile at her.
No, I tried smiling at her once, and destroyed a water cooler.
GO! No, I've got that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say "gusset" accidentally? - My advice? - Yes.
- Don't.
- Thanks.
- Anytime.
"Two minds, one bra"? No, I'd prefer "Wabble wars".
Same again, please.
You can read.
I mean, you are reading.
Sorry.
It's nice to see people reading.
Not a lot of people read these days.
People prefer to hear.
But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people, kids today should be prepared to pick up a book and not just go around a whole time with all these modern ears.
Sometimes I just wanna rip people's ears off and say "Read a book for God's sake!" I'd probably say "read a book" first, and then rip their ears off, for otherwise they wouldn't hear me.
I'd probably wouldn't rip their ears off at all I'm not a violent person, I like ears, especially women ears, they are my favourite.
I don't mean I collect them or anything, I don't have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere.
No, I'm not after your ears really.
Not as there's anything wrong with your ears, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my ear bucket.
Oh my God.
I forgot how to understand English! I hate it when that happens! She's from Israel, she speaks Hebrew.
So sorry I exist.
Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.
It's a bit unfair, it's hardly your fault.
Thank you! So she doesn't understand a word I've been saying.
Nope.
- Result!!! - Result? That's the first good thing that's ever happened to me, ever ever! She's apologizing for letting you talk so long.
No no no no, it's great, I was explaining how I collect women's ears.
No no no, it was a joke, hahaha, joke! So, is she your interpreter then? Yes, I am her interpreter.
Sorry, that was a bit redundant.
Yes, that was a bit redundant.
Sorry about all the redundancy.
Can I phone her sometime? How? Good point.
Anyway, she's going back to Israel.
Well? How did it go? She's leaving the country.
She doesn't speak English.
I insulted her friend's breasts, and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.
Well you've had worse.
"The girl with two brains".
Three brains, Patrick.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.
Her eyes will be the first to go.
She'll crease them with all that smiling.
She'll have crinkly squinty eyes, like an australian.
For an ???.
So, what do we think of her breasts? So good that's as if ??their own?? purpose.
Spectacular, aren't they? The bigger they are, the further they fall.
You're a cruel woman, Sally.
A woman's breasts are a journey.
Her feet are the destination.
You say such horrible things! Do her neck now.
That's all part of a talk I give ??? my ??? on.
For women who's just turn 30.
Gravity.
This time it's personal.
The point is, are they fake? Of course they're fake.
They're so realistic.
Yeah, they're all ??? and firm.
How we are supposed to believe that? But she doesn't like on her back and feel her armpits.
Sally, in case you didn't realize: you said that out loud.
She'll probably run to fat in later life.
She'll probably inflate like an emergency ???-a-day after she marries a billionaire.
Actually that's my plan too Face it, girls, we are looking at perfection.
Perfect hair, perfect breasts, and a bottom so tight it could do lipsink.
- And you know what? - What? We are grown up attractive women in our ??? We are mature enough simply to appreciate her as the thing of beauty and ???.
- You're right.
- I suppose so.
Let's just try to be adult, shall we? Look! She ??? on the price tag stucked to the sole of her shoe! Yeah, ??? I see it! Love ??furds?? Oh yeah, look at that! Not even ??non-straight??, slut! Do you know, I really wish ??? make us so incredibly happy.
??? tell the girls at the next table.
Oh no, don't.
One of them's got good lips.
Oh, here we go! What? - She's seen someone she likes.
- Has she? Oh yeah, look at her! She's ??on boy alert?? ??? head angle, and a private smile, suggest humor and ???bility.
Cover glance, coming out So who's the lucky guy? Could be the tall one.
No, the blonde one.
Look, there's Jeff.
Oh, you are right.
Could be the one in a leather jacket, he's got a dangerous thing.
Yeah, he's the possibility.
Actually, all these guys are with someone, except Jeff.
- Right.
- Yeah.
So it must be a woman! You guys might be missing the obvious here: ??? you consider she could be looking at Jeff? - No, but seriously - I'm serious! Yes she is, it's Jeff! - No! - Why? - Jeff - Yes! But she's not meant for a guy like Jeff! He's ??? someone plump and organized.
Healthy looking but mottled.
Probably called ??? or ??Frida?? or chunky jackets and ??hillwalking?? and ??I?? get married and she'll age badly and I'll just seem prettier and prettier and prettier Sally.
Still out loud.
Think I'll say hi.
- Jeff.
- Susan.
Hi.
Hi, so what's this then? What are you talking about? Longing looks across the bar.
What longing looks? Who with? Brunette with the book.
??That?? woman with a pricetag on her shoe.
What? So what's the story? What story? Why there should be a story? Why are you suddenly going on about stories all the time? Who is she? ??Above from?? gorgeous and giving you the eye.
She was giving him the eye yesterday too.
Sorry, I'm late.
And And I told her I collect women's ears in a bucket.
Why is you always up to say something like that? I don't.
??? I was drunk! Worst ??? line in the history of sex: you're so gorgeous you should be ???.
I stressed that I didn't ??? immediately.
She left by toilet window.
At least she didn't move house.
That was a big step forward for me.
How's your next step forward going? Doesn't speak a word of English.
And she goes back to Israel anyway.
Hold her look.
Hold her look and wave.
Both at the same time - you mad! Do it! No no no, I can't I can't I Jeff, listen to me.
Women want somebody with command, with confidence.
Someone who wouldn't take no for an answer.
We want somebody arrogant and gorgeous with a terrifying sexual appetite and amazing range of sexual technique.
But when it comes down to ???, you know what? We settle for man.
Go! But she won't understand a word I'm saying! ??Keep?? on the plus side: she won't understand a word you're saying! I haven't thought of that! So have you settled for me then? Oh don't be paranoid, Steve.
Of course I have.
Hello.
Would it be alright if I sat here? Thank you.
Hi.
So, your interpreter's not here, then? I'm just saying, you don't understand what I'm saying? You don't understand Oh no no no no no let's not get started on that ??whole?? ear thing again.
Oh I wish ??? meant.
I wish your interpreter, was here.
- Alice? - Alice, yes, yes! Yeah, yeah, Alice.
You know what? There's something that I've always wanted to say, and now I feel that ??? long last, I can.
Breasts.
Breasts breasts breasts breasts! Oh God, it was good to get ??? out.
I don't know what the hell have you just said, but can I can I just say "bra" This makes life so much easier! Thighs.
Tights.
What's your name? Name.
Jeff.
Alice.
No no no no no, name.
Look, n-a-m-e.
Name.
Name.
Yes! Shadayim? Oh that's a beautiful name! Shadayim! Steve! Shadayim! Shadayim! Alice.
Oh, Alice, yes, we need Alice to translate.
Here.
You mean, here.
Tomorrow.
Seven o'clock.
Here, tomorrow at seven o'clock.
Great! Yeah, bring Alice! I don't know what this is about, but it's brilliant! Alice.
.
I have no idea what you're saying, but don't stop! Gusset.
Gusset, gusset.
Alice? Oh, you're going? Right, ok, I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh right, I mean, bye! I have no idea what you've just said, but English is such a sexy language Sit down.
Hello.
Sorry, my interpreter is not here.
Sorry, I'm not getting any of this.
You know, you are seriously cute.
I know you don't understand a word I'm saying, but you really are Very cute.
Alice? Oh, you like Alice, do you? You really do like Alice, don't you? Lucky ??old Alice??! You're so sweet Not getting any of this.
Jeff.
Alice.
Oh, you want me to ask Alice and ??? ? No no no Oh, you mean these? You mean my breasts? Breasts.
Breasts.
You really like breasts then? Steve! Breasts! Breasts! Oh God, you really like ??? in this country, don't you? Poor old Alice, she's hardly got any at all.
You better not mention that, she's very sensitive about it.
Alice.
So you really want to see Alice again then? Ok, she'll be here tomorrow seven o'clock.
Alice will be here.
I know I shouldn't be doing this.
I know this is definitely wrong, but what the hell - I'm on holiday.
I'm going back home tomorrow night, do what you like with Alice Alice.
.
Tonight, since it's my last night here Why don't we go off and misbehave? You're so sweet! Alice is ???, we better be careful.
Alice? Look.
I'll tell you what.
I will leave now.
And you follow me in five minutes.
Five minutes.
Five minutes.
I'll see you in a moment.
Five minutes, breasts.
Hi.
I was told you'd be here.
Is something wrong? Sorry, I was expecting Shadayim.
They arrested him? Yeah, in Hithrow.
They kept him there for hours.
Just 'cause he was looking for that girl? Yeah, but you know Jeff, he is a bit carried away.
I only was doing this running on the ??allow?? to shout ??her?? name.
But they've let him go now? Yeah, yeah.
??Suggested cancelling??.
I've got it.
What? Perfect.
What? The girl with two breasts.
Patrick, this is the stupidiest title yet.