Crashing (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Why are you topless? - I'm being free! - You are one of us now.
- Yes, I suppose I am.
- I love you.
Ssh.
- 'It's not cool, how you talk to Fred.
' This programme contains strong language, adult humour and some nudity.
- I can fuck who I like.
- No, you can't.
Anthony's not going to like this! Anthony's not going to know about this.
I think I've been pretending to be in love with you.
- I love you! - Jesus! I fancy you.
Yeah, I fancy you, too.
Hm! That's nice.
Oh, crazy, huh?! I don't remember a t'ing! Good luck at work today.
Mwah! I feel just fantastic! Isn't it just a fantastic day?! It's a marvellous day! Well, come and do the Fantastic, Marvellous Day dance with me, then.
OK! Oh! Oop! I love this place! Would you ever let me bum you? No! I like putting things IN other things.
I think you'd get into it.
It's good for angry men.
Between you and Will, I cannot turn around without fearing for my sphincter.
I'm going to have to buy a little shield for it.
- Will? - The guy can't take his eyes off my hole.
I can feel them boring through my jeans every time I bend over.
You genuinely think everybody fancies you, don't you? They do.
- Perk your aunt's morning up.
- Get out! Oh, shit! What? It's "get out" time, babycakes.
They're knocking us down.
Where will all these people go? This is what happens.
If you want to live like this, then you have to leave like this.
OK Pack what you like.
The rest, we keep for firewood.
You're the secret flower man?! So? Nothing wrong with brightening up the place a bit.
Do you want one? Thanks! Hey, Sam where are you going to move to? Oh, heard a rumour of an old fire station down south.
So, thought I might slide in there.
OK.
Nice! I just thought, maybe Could I come with you? Just thought it would be nice to stick together.
- Sure.
Whatever.
- Really?! Yeah, let's do it! You tell anyone that I am flower man, that is going somewhere it ain't getting photosynthsizzled.
Cross my heart.
- Pretending? - And now she's pretending that she never said that she was pretending.
Well, I think you are both dealing with it really well.
- Oh! - You guys are the dream.
Thank God you're getting married.
What am I supposed to do now? Do I remind her? No! Just pretend you don't know she's pretending she never said she was pretending! Hey Argh! No! No! I've never laughed at that! Ever! - What did you do last night? - No-one.
I can't believe they can evict people on a weekend.
It's Monday.
Shut up.
Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
What?! Fuck! No, I have to go now! Like NOW now! Like, what happened to Sunday?! Oh, I'm so sweaty! Do these look like pyjamas?! Not at all.
- I made you cafe.
Un cafe pour - Brilliant! - D'accord.
- Merci.
- Happy eviction, everybody! What a palaver, eh? This is insane! - Brekkie, Fred? - Freddy Chops, are you ready? Oh, Will's giving me a lift this morning.
- I'm at Samaritans.
It's just round the corner.
- Samaritans Samaritans? Yeah, people call up in distress, looking for - Upbeat Australian advice! - Yeah! Hey, who were you having that delicious-sounding sex with last night? My vote's on the fourth-floor yoga bunny.
I wasn't having sex.
I was crying.
Weren't you hanging late with Lulu last night? - Lulu?! - Sure.
Yeah, me and Lulu, sure.
- I'd rather slam my dick in a door! - Oh, my God! It was totally Lulu! - Was it? - No.
It was so totally Lulu.
- Was it? - Guys, leave him alone.
Yeah, can we please just leave him and Lulu alone? It wasn't Lulu.
I was crying.
Yeah, right into Lulu's vagina! Ah! Hey, guys, I just wanted to say, I've found a new pad.
- Oh, you got your period? - (Love your naughty sense of humour.
) - No, I've got a flat, in Angel.
- What?! Why didn't you say? - Congrats, man.
- Thank you.
I wanted to I wanted to ask Hey, mate, will you let Kate know we're both in on the new building? I wanted to ask Fred if he'd like to move in with me.
Oh! Oh.
Wow! It's got skirting boards, an oven, a bidet.
It's got everything.
And it's all yours.
It's ours, if you want it.
What do you say? Oh, boy Um Phew Can I think about it? You sure can.
Congrats, mate.
Lulu? Lulu! - Hm? - Hi! Did anything come for me this morning? No.
Who is that for? Kate.
Yay! Perfect! I love it.
By the way, if you feel ill, take the afternoon off.
- Thanks.
- Are those pyjamas? How dare you?! I mean, Samaritans, my arse.
I bet he's out there just spanking old grandpas.
There is NOTHING about him being a Samaritan online.
- You could call them.
See if you get him.
- Colin! - 02079460423.
They pick up really quickly.
'Good afternoon.
Samaritans.
How can I help you today?' Oh.
Oh, you can take me out, Charity Chops, that's what you can do.
- (Don't disrespect them.
) - 'Hello? Anyone there?' 'Good afternoon.
Samari- 'G'day.
You're through to The Samaritans.
'I'm guessing this means you got lost along the way.
Am I right?' (He's real.
) (Speak to him.
) 'Hello?' Hi, my name is Stephen.
Hi, Stephen.
I'm Will.
You doing OK, buddy? 'Not really.
' I've got a pain in my arsehole.
I can't actually give you any medical advice, I'm sorry.
I've just done a poo in my hand and I'm about to go in for a meeting.
You're a bit of joker, eh? 'All right, you got me hands down.
Ha! 'Hey, I don't mean to pry, Stephen, ' but what happens when the laughter stops, mate? How can she PRETEND to love me? She was topless.
Everyone says things they don't mean when they're topless.
Did you get totally smashed on your own last night? I feel horrible.
Oh, shit.
It's Kate.
She's got a balloon.
What does that mean? God.
Protect that with your life.
Hi! Wow, look at that! I-love-you balloon.
Yes! - You OK? - So I've been looking at properties in zone five, and I've come across an old primary school building in Croydon.
- Kate.
- Are you too busy? Shall I come back later? - No.
I think we should talk now.
Oh, wow.
My God! She wants to try some.
Then we're going to talk.
Oh! Good luck! Mmm.
Did you put alcohol in this? Did you love your father? My family were never close.
Ooooh! He's very good.
- Hey, listen, don't underestimate the importance of having a strong male role model in your life - OK.
Do you know any inspirational older men you could lean on? Please, Kate, talk to me.
I don't want to live together like this any more.
Fuck, Kate.
I don't want to be a guardian any more.
I want a flat.
With fresh fruit and normal windows and no Lulu.
Lulu? What? She wears quirky clothes and she is in love with you and it's exhausting.
She's not in love with me.
- Kate, last night, you said - I didn't say anything, OK.
I'm just never going to drink and paint ever again.
Can I start looking for flats? Yes.
Where will Lulu go? I don't care about Lulu.
Good.
He sounds like a nightmare! He's just always here being relentlessly cheery.
And he's stolen my friend.
Oh, God, I sound like a child! 'No, you don't, Stephen.
You really don't.
'But, hey, ' I'm going ask you something now.
'Are you ready?' Yes.
Are you honest with everyone about how you feel about them? No.
'Anyone in particular?' Yes.
Well, I think it's time you told them how you feel, Stevo.
He's a knob.
So, voila, Colin, I quit my job today.
Let's go.
We can stay with my friend Louis in Poland.
He is an erotic magician.
He would love you.
Are you having a stroke? Who is this? I'm beginning to feel like I'm one of a long line of Colins.
Am I? So what if you are? How many of us are there? - It doesn't matter.
- It does.
You can't deny the resemblance is unnerving.
What is this? Huh? You stand in my room, you lie in my bed, you dance like a naked angel in my dreams but you won't let me in.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
Ah! You don't like it? Huh? C'est ca? Do you know how hard it is for me to sleep next to you and not touch your body? Not hold you? Not kiss you.
Not poke your little cheeks? D'accord.
Go.
Go back to your wife, her lover, your misery.
- I'm not going to live this torture any more.
You GO.
- No! Tonight.
6.
30.
I will prepare and I will come to you.
D'accord.
Hey, get an erection and bring it to my room.
No, honey, it doesn't work like that.
He's sleeping.
You already have a semi.
Damn.
SHIT.
No.
No.
NO.
Cos if Anthony finds out about this Lu! There you are Find out about what? Find out that Sam's got - What? - A semi.
- OK.
No! Find out Kate's - What? - Pregnant.
What? - Yeah.
Really - REALLY pregnant.
She told me not to tell you.
- Uh, Kate, quick word.
- Bubbles? - What is the occasion? - Oh, I'd rather wait until Anthony gets back.
- OK, I need to - There's an old people's home in zone three.
I have requested a viewing for you.
- But I've done a bad - Not now, Sam.
- Um.
Sam, can we talk for a second? - Hi, team.
- Hey, how was Samaritans? Really interesting day, actually.
Get many callers? Uh, a little girl who's getting bullied, a hyperactive dinner lady, and a frustrated homosexual.
Tragic, actually.
Really simple guy just desperate to be much more complicated than he actually is.
He's got a big hard-on for his best friend and is jealous of the new boyfriend ya-dee-ya-dee-yada.
Anyway, I think we really got somewhere with him.
I am going to go hit the el bano and then I want your final answer, OK? - Deal.
Don't be long.
- OK.
- Are you going to move in with him? - I think so, yeah.
Me and Anthony, too.
- Yay! - Yay! Yay! Jesus, there you are! Listen.
Kate isn't - Is she back? - Yes, but she's not I KNEW something freaky was going on.
I KNEW it.
I am more intuitive that I give myself credit for.
No, no, you're really not.
I'm fine.
I'm going to deal with this really well.
Really, really well.
No, you're not! She's not even oh, dear! I was sailing down the River Jordan.
G'day? G'day? Why do you think I'm gay? You think you're so clever.
I'm here to help you.
I want to help.
Answer my question or I'm coming in.
I think you're gay because you obsess about the men in your life.
What, just because I care about my friends, it makes me a bender? You need to update your counsel, brother.
Give me a better reason.
Because you're obsessed with me.
You think about me.
You flash your body at me.
You bitch about me and then to top it off, you put on a stupid voice and you call my work and waste the time of a poor little dinner lady who really needed help.
Maybe I need help.
- You need a boyfriend.
- Do you think? Yeah, I do.
I really do.
- I think you need to have sex with a man.
- Fuck you.
Hey, um I get it.
I'm up-beat and Australian and a lot of fun.
But I'm in love with your boy Fred.
I'm fucking crazy about him.
And either you need to back off, or you need to share him because I'm not going anywhere and you and I will just end up fighting till the sun takes his little hat off.
It'll be so much better for both of us if you and I just get on.
I told you he wasn't to be trusted! I told you Pack your little bag and don't listen to a word he says! - Don't interrupt me! You have not got a dick to stand on! - Guys, guys! - Please don't let him speak.
Will someone tell me what happened? We were in the shower room - do not interrupt me! And I was asking this douche about his day.
Nice guy.
Then he just opened my shower door, leaned in all monkey chest and then Fred.
Sam pranked me today at work.
He called me - Did you kiss him with your mouth? - No.
- LIAR! - Sam, I don't know what you're trying to do here.
- Did you kiss at all? Will? He kissed me.
- Oh, boy! - Fred.
I don't know why OK.
I think um - Kate.
- Not now, Anthony.
There is serious shit going down here and I'm just delighted it's not about us.
- You're pregnant! - Oh, Jesus.
- What?! Why didn't you tell me? Because I am not pregnant.
Yeah, guys Not pregnant? Really? No! I hope not! Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God! All right! Don't have a party about it.
Sorry.
Thank God.
I just Sam, what the hell? OK, anyone else got anything they would like to announce to the room before I start self-harming? OK, in that case.
Will, I think we Sam's fucking Lulu! What? Mate, I am so sorry.
She was really pushy.
- Grey area mate, serious.
- What the fuck? You promised! - Promised what? - You can't stop two sexy people Yeah, no, I know.
I know.
Fuck's sake, man! - I just - What? What, you just wanted them all for yourself? Red zone! Ow! What the fuck do you care? - She's not your girlfriend.
- I told you not to do that.
I'm sorry I broke your rules! Seems like you deal in other people's property in life as well as work, Sam.
Are you punning? I'm just saying - argh! Ow! Stop fucking everyone, you PRICK.
Argh! I don't know who to hit! You can't help yourself, can you? Life is a buffet, Anthony.
I taught you that! I think I'm done here.
Just admit you're GAY, mate! Just admit you're a DICK! Hospital vote.
Will should get the fuck out for kissing me! Ha! You see that! Everybody loves me.
Everyone wants me round.
I am fantastic.
I always win.
Always.
I see what I want and I go and I bloody well get it.
And I want little Fred to be my wife and if that means spending time in this skanky hospital surrounded by a bunch of insane and unattractive urban gyppos, so be it, but I will be disinfecting myself the minute I walk out of here because you all disgust me.
Come, little Fred.
I think you need to leave the skanky hospital, Will.
You will never meet anyone like me ever again.
I'm fantastic.
See, I told you he couldn't be trusted, mate.
Yeah, you nailed it.
- Mate, I need to find - I need to find Kate.
Ready? Oui.
Just tell me one thing.
Anything.
Who's the man in the picture? Oh! It's my father.