Crazyhead (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 LittleDuck and vivelalto I love you.
(SUZANNE SCREAMS) Noooo! I cut myself so Suzanne could feed.
Well, where is she? - RAQUEL: Did you check for a pulse? - A pulse? Yeah.
Her body was here, her head was somewhere over there.
That little blonde bitch could seriously screw up our plans.
- Whoa, easy! - Who the hell are you? I'm Harry.
The least you can do is let me buy you a drink.
One drink.
A shot.
OK.
Last night, I saw a guy.
He was attacking you.
Raquel! Raquel!s/s I'm gonna catch ya I'm gonna get ya, get ya Oh, ow, oh I wanna taste the way that you bleed Oh, oh, oh-oh You're my kill of the night.
Raquel! Raquel! (PHONE RINGS) Sorry.
(PHONE CONTINUES TO RING) I'll call her back.
Call her back.
He's the guy! The guy you got in the car with.
He's the guy I saw attacking you! You have to get away from him.
Just get away from him! Call me! So where are we going? To a bar? You trying to get me drunk? Could be.
It's him! He's the guy I saw! Turn your bloody phone on! HARRY: I don't usually do this.
Go on dates with girls.
Is that cos you usually date guys? - No.
- No.
I wasI was joking.
- It was a joke.
- Right.
Sorry.
- Sense of humour failure.
- OK.
Well, um, now that we've established neither of us is gay.
We're cooking on gas, aren't we? Yeah.
- Do you work? - Uh, no.
Urgh.
My brother has a job, and I take money from him.
How does he feel about that? Uh, well, sometimes he gets all pissy about it, but, mainly, I justignore him.
- So that's work covered.
- Uh.
- Hobbies? - Ah.
Yeah, I do Pilates, Tuesday evenings.
My downward facing dog is all the shit.
- Namaste, bitches.
- Namas namas-what? Namaste.
It's what you say at the end of a yoga class.
"Namaste, bitches"? No, you don't you don't say the "bitches".
That's kind of against the whole yoga vibe.
Hey, you should, you should come to a class.
Yeah.
All these women in their yoga pants, arses in the air.
You can totally see a little I I need to wee.
Big time.
Yeah.
I've got a bladder the size of a small, prepubescent child.
- Go.
Wee.
- Yeah.
Good.
Back in a minute.
(TOILET FLUSH) (SHE GASPS) (GROANING) Ah! Why are you following her? If I tell you, he'll send me to hell.
If you don't, I will.
So, looks like you're caught between a rock and some really nasty faeces.
(WATER GURGLES) (MAN CHOKES) Hi.
I can explain.
You better, or I'm sticking your head down there with his.
(HE GASPS) It's OK.
I knew your dad.
Your demon dad.
If anything happened to him, I swore I'd look out for you.
Us meeting like that, on the hill you were following me? You lied to me.
OK, Who are you? I hunt the pricks.
Well, the nasty ones anyway.
Your dad, he was one of the good guys.
I liked him a lot.
I'm sorry.
I promised I'd keep you safe.
- This guy was following you - I don't need you to keep me safe, you patronising dick! So, all this, making nice, going for a drink, it was an all an act, - it was all bullshit! - No! Well, at the start, but then I met you and everything changed.
- It wasn't just a job anymore.
- So what was it, then? It was a happy coincidence.
Shove your happy coincidence down your lying throat.
HARRY: Well, isn't it obvious? I really like you.
I didn't know how to tell you.
I hated lying to you.
I'm sorry.
So what happens now? Did you really mean what you said? What, about the happy coincidence? No, numbnuts.
- Liking me? - Yeah.
You stuck his head down the toilet because he was following me? You should've seen what's down there.
That's kind of kick-arse.
And a bit romantic.
There's something you should know about me too.
I don't have the bladder of a small child.
Also strangely romantic.
(SHE MOANS) - HARRY: First demon you ever killed? - (SHE CHUCKLES) I was 15.
Mrs Higgins.
She was my home economics teacher.
- She kept me back for detention - Uff and the bitch tried to stick my head in an oven.
Flambeed her fat arse, stuck a cherry on top.
- What about you? - I was 12.
Oh! He was my football coach.
He never let us wear gloves, even when it was snowing.
- He also murdered the goalkeeper.
- (SHE CHUCKLES) - What? - It's nice to talk about this stuff, with a guy, without them thinking that you're bat-shit crazy.
It really messes with your relationships.
- Yeah.
- The lies I've had to come up with to explain all the wounds and bruises.
I told this one girl I got trampled by a donkey.
By a donkey? She had these big floppy ears, kind of reminded me of a donkey.
Donkey ears.
OK.
Did she believe you? - No! - No? Not at all.
It was a ridiculous lie.
- This is me - Oh, shit - What? - I left my car at the bar.
- I made you forget you had a car? - (SCOFFS) Are you doing anything tomorrow? We could hook up.
- Sorry, is that too pushy? - It is kind of pushy.
I think I'm OK with it, though.
- Where the bloody hell have you been! - Whoa, what's going on? - Who is he? - Who? The guy, the guy you got in the car with.
OK, right, you're not going to believe this, but What? What!? He is a super cute, kick-arse demon hunter.
Yeah.
He's what? - What were you doing with him? - We went on a date.
A date? You said you were going to Pilates? I don't even do Pilates on a Thursday.
It's Zumba and boxercise boot camp.
I felt bad, going on a date after everything that happened with Suzanne.
Who is he? His name's Harry, and he hunts the pricks.
How hot is that? I'll tell you, it's very hot.
It's like, ooh, ah! How how did you meet him? Well, my dad, my demon dad, he asked Harry to look out for me, so that's why he was up the hill when we were out in the woods.
He's been following you?! Not creepy, panty-sniffing following.
It's moresort of sexy stalking Do you want some of my nonna's spicy chicken? No, I don't want any of your nonna's spicy chicken! What is up with you? Why did you leave me all those messages? If you'd listened to even one of them, you'd know.
He's the guy, the guy I saw in my dream.
- Who? - Harry, demon hunter guy.
He was attacking you.
- Man, get the hell out - It's him! I saw it.
You can't trust him.
He's going to hurt you.
Well, the stuff you see, isn't exactly clear.
- It's all cheese and shit.
- I know what I saw.
Do you? So suddenly you're an expert? You've got a PhD in seeing the future? All right, OK! What exactly did you see? He sort of lunged at you.
He was attacking you.
Lunged at me, lunged at me Maybe that's because I'm all irresistible.
I made him forget his car! After his dick, that's a guy's most treasured possession.
You think this is funny? We'll see how funny you find it when he kills you.
That's hilarious.
You can laugh your arse off.
Except you won't because you'll be dead! You'll be lying there in a pool of your own blood, and there won't be anything I can do cos it'll be too late, and I will not let that happen! I think we should get some sleep and talk about this in the morning.
I already lost one friend.
I can't lose another.
I know.
I get it.
You're wrong about him.
Are you sure he's not possessed? You know how they can hide in there.
You said some of them practically never show themselves, ever.
He is the least possessed person I ever met.
With everything that's happening, it isn't right.
This is why I didn't tell you.
Suzanne dying like that It's got nothing to do with Suzanne.
You sure about that? You get all paranoid, start acting like everyone's possessed, it is going to mess with your head.
I know.
I've been there.
I've never felt like this about anyone before.
I can be honest with him, about who I really am.
He doesn't even care that I'm half demon.
He's cool with it.
That's why I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am.
I just want you to be careful.
I was born careful.
I popped out of my mum's cooch, like "Safety first.
Safety first.
" We should double date.
Me and Tyler, you and demon hunter guy.
You want to double date? Well, if he means this much to you, I want to meet him.
OK.
What? I snogged the face off of him in the toilets.
I was all taking charge, like a 21st-century horny bitch.
Why were you snogging in toilets? Because my man was making a demon eat shit.
Mm-hm! (CUP CLINKS) I went to the party venue last night.
It's looking great.
Psyching yourself up for the big day, eh? 800 years in the making and here we are.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous.
It's going to be fine.
It's a good plan.
You know, I haven't totally hated having you and your little, fatherless bastard staying here.
Wow.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I should go.
Busy day.
Lots to do.
(PHONE RINGS) (CUPS CLINK) Where are we up to with ticket sales? Well, start giving them away for free! We're going to look pretty stupid if the legions of hell don't have anyone to possess.
(MUSIC PLAYS) Hey! Guys this is Harry.
Uh, this is my brother, Tyler.
- Hey.
- And this is Amy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are we bowling, or staring? Is this him? - Hi.
- Yeah, I don't think so, mate.
- OK.
- You do not want any part of this.
Let's, you and me, bowl.
I'll just go and get some shoes.
- Can we get some drinks? - Who do you think I am? - A waiter? - Oh, my God, you are unbelievable! The sheer arrogance! Oh, it's OK.
I'll get them.
- Mate, I'm Tyler, Raquel's brother.
- Are you? That's not really a reason for existing, is it? - What? - (HE MIMICS TYLER): What? Do you have some kind of problem with me? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Guys like you, you're a Coldplay song.
- OK.
- No, whoa It's not a compliment.
It is not a compliment.
- Yeah, I'm crushed.
- Yeah, you are crushed.
- Really? - Really.
That's right.
Jog on, Coldplay.
- What size are you? - Are you allowed to do that? - I work here.
- Right.
Er, nine.
Raquel says you've been following her? She told you about that? - Yeah.
- Her dad asked me to protect her.
You hunt demons, but you're friends with them? How does that work? Well, I guess it's the same for you.
Raquel's half-demon.
Is there something you want to say to me? - I'm just looking out for Raquel.
- Me, too.
Thanks for the shoes.
Ooh! Get ready to lose, loser.
I'm going crush your ego to the size of mouse balls.
You OK? I don't think your friend, Amy, likes me very much.
I knew it! This whole thing, the double-date bullshit it was just so you can check him out, wasn't it? I'm trying to protect you.
By being all devious, and sneaky and lying to me? You're the one person who isn't supposed to do that! You're making a mistake.
How can you not see that? What's wrong with you? That's what people have been asking all my life.
I thought you were different.
I thought you got it.
You're so desperate for him to like you, you can't see what's going on.
OK.
I'm going to go, before I punch you in your stupid face.
(DOOR CREAKS) (DOOR SHUTS) Whoa! Very good.
You see, when we trust each other, we work together better, to achieve our common goals.
See, goals plus trust equals success.
This has been great! This could be a real turning point for us.
Look, I'm just glad you've found it helpful.
Any thoughts, questions, feedback? Well, you should take a turn.
Become part of our circle of trust.
Of course.
Yep, great idea.
Let's do it.
(THEY GRUNT) Hm? (THUDDING) Jesus! You didn't catch me! You see, the thing is soon you won't be able to trust anyone.
Your own granny's going to stab you in the eye with an antique cake slice.
(HE CHOKES) I know we've had some setbacks.
Opening the gates of hell, it was never going to be easy.
Trust me.
(HE CHOKES) Things are in motion that will assure our success.
It's been tough on all of us.
But I'm done hiding, denying who I am.
We are going to be out, loud, and proud.
We are going to tear out humanity's throat (WHIRRING) and shit down its neck until it chokes in a sea of blood.
There will be death, destruction and terror.
(WHIRRING CONTINUES) (WHIRRING STOPS) Not while I'm talking! All right?! (CLATTERING) Where? Where did you hear up to? Er - tearing out humanity's throat.
- All right.
OK, er (HE STAMPS) Let's try this again.
(MUSIC PLAYS) (RINGING IN BACKGROUND) Tyler? Seriously? You choose that guy over me? He's so bland his dick tastes of ice cream.
Because he's cos he's so vanilla.
When do you get off? Can you drive me somewhere? Why can't Coldplay drive you? I don't want him to know where I'm going.
I found this in Harry's wallet.
We should check it out.
Ah! You and Tyler, eh? These lies will spread through your relationship like a disease till there is nothing left but an empty, deformed husk.
I'll take that deformed husk, and I'll turn it into a beautiful butterfly.
[MUSIC: Cool by MIYNT.]
Television killin' Living in a square What exactly do you think is going on with this guy? I don't know.
Raquel's so into him, she's not thinking straight.
Are you thinking straight? (MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) Your best friend died.
If anything happened to you, I Well, I can't think about it.
I'm fine.
I remember when Randeep Singh died.
Who's Randeep Singh? He was my dad's best friend.
Dad used to tell me how they'd go camping together as teenagers, laying out underneath the stars, swimming naked in the lake.
A few years ago, Randeep was on one of his frequent trips to San Francisco.
Ends up drowning in some guy's swimming pool.
Dad were broken.
I used to find him staring at old photos of Randeep, just crying his eyes out.
Are you sure your dad's not gay? What? Are you insane? My da That's the most ridiculous thing I think I ever heard.
He watches Top Gear! Anyway, my point is, when someone close to you dies, it affects people in strange ways.
- I'm worried about you.
- You don't need to be.
(MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) Hm.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in! (DOOR OPENS) Oh, Raquel! I'll be right with you.
Take a seat.
(DOOR CLOSES) (RAQUEL SIGHS) So how are we? Should I be concerned that you've been missing your appointments, or is talking to me just extremely boring? I wouldn't say it's extremely boring Well, spare me the half-arsed compliments.
So what have you been up to? You know Stuff.
You want to be a little more specific? I've been spending a lot of time with Amy You mentioned her last time we talked.
You weren't sure if you were going to be friends.
- How's that going? - It was good.
We had a sleep-over.
I've never had a sleep-over.
She's been through some of the same stuff.
I really thought she got me, you know? I trusted her.
I thought she was my friend.
I never had a friend like her before But maybe she isn't who I thought she was.
Didsomething happen? She said some things about this guy I like.
There's a guy? Well, you have been busy.
She says I shouldn't trust him Do you think Amy accepts you for who you are? - I thought she did.
- Hmm.
This has happened before, hasn't it? Mmm.
That girl was a major bitch.
Amy isn't like that Isn't she? We've talked about this, forming these very intense relationships.
You meet someone, you expect too much from them, then they let you down I've seen what it does to your confidence.
As much as you want them to be, not all friendships are healthy.
Sometimes you have to protect yourself from people.
(STRESSFUL MUSIC) This guy you fell out about - Harry.
- Tell me about him.
It sounds all super cheesy, I never felt this way about a guy.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of cheese.
So Harry who is he? Wow.
That is an incredibly suspicious looking building.
Where you going? Well have a quick look around.
(WHISPER) A quick look around?) When did that ever end well? (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) (WHISPERING) Amy? What you doing? Amy!? Hey.
(GROANING) Oh, yeah.
You're fine.
That's a healthy expression of your grief.
Unbelievable.
This whole lone wolf, loose cannon, Crazy Larry vibe.
I've got to admit, I'm not loving it.
- Is that Beyonce? - AMY: It's Raquel.
I guess that makes more sense, cos she's local.
What's that coming out of her snatch? The Legions of Hell Is that anatomically correct? I mean, assumed they'd be coming out of her arsehole.
Should have put a ring on it! Not the time (PHONE RINGS) Mmm.
Sorry.
Just I know you're angry with me.
I found a flyer for a Halloween party at Hampton Hall.
I went there There's something you need to see.
I'm sending you a photo.
Just call me, OK? I'm sorry.
Call me.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
Evil flip-chart plans? (CLATTERING) (STRIDENT SOUND) Whoa! Amy A little tip.
Take the canoe off the roof of your car.
- It's kind of conspicuous.
- It's a fair point.
My mum says I can't keep it in the garage any more.
What with that and the old drum kit - Oh, my God.
Shut up.
- Sorry.
Drop the trident.
- Erm - Drop it.
(SHE GIGGLES) - What? - Mmm.
It's nothing You're making me paranoid.
What did I do? I didn't think I'd ever have this with someone.
Don't let it go to your head cos I will beat that shit right out of you Then I definitely won't.
(TEXT ALERT) Oh, shit! It was the blonde one, and her dickhead mate.
Dickhead mate? That's rude.
Look, I'm done messing around.
You take Little Miss Sugar Tits somewhere quiet and put a bullet in the back of her head.
What do you think? Take them here, or follow them? They could kill them before we could get close enough to do anything.
Follow them.
(MOANING) Yes! Oh, come on! Come on Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes Oh! (HE SIGHS) Oh my God.
We're stopping.
OK.
Get ready.
You should wait here.
It's too dangerous.
You think having a dick makes you immune to danger? Man, be serious.
Unleash the big dog.
(HE SPITS) Is that the best you've got, you pussy? I'm sorry I got you into this.
You don't ever have to apologise to me.
Let her go, - and kill me - Jake! Let her go.
Kill me instead.
No.
That doesn't work for us at all.
She's the one we want to kill.
You're no-one.
You're just a dickhead with a canoe on his car.
So technically, you could let me go? We could, yeah, but we're not going to.
Worth a shot.
OK.
If we're all ready Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I'm not ready.
- Why do you need Raquel? - You don't know, do you? This is all about her.
Why? Tell me We've got time.
What the hell.
Erm, the stroke of midnight, on Halloween, she'll act as a gateway.
The Legions of Hell will pour into this world.
Are they really going to pour out of her twot, like on the poster? No.
That was a screw-up by the designer.
Anyway, so tens of thousands of people will become possessed.
They'll turn on their loved ones and slaughter them.
Yeah.
It is going to be a bloodbath, seriously.
Hell on Earth So there you go.
Holy Moses on a boat.
We should really get on with this.
Raquel! No.
Oi, shit for brains! Raquel So that's why you pricks have been protecting me.
- You need me.
- Don't come any closer You can't shoot me.
Oh, man.
Screwed if you do, arse poled if you don't Put the gun down.
Stay back Stay back! I don't think I will.
I'm going to keep on coming, so if you're going to shoot me, you need to do it now.
- Do it! - Raquel.
Shut up.
He can't kill me.
I'm the answer to their sick little prayers We can all walk away from this.
- Just walk away - You're going to have a whole new style of walkin', like a chicken that's been nailed by a bear.
HARRY: Put the gun down Put it down! You want to give me that? - HARRY: Raquel! - He can't hurt me.
I'm bullet proof Yeah, now who's the dickhead with a canoe on his car? You could have been killed They can't kill me, it's all right.
(GUN COCKS) AMY: Raquel - Get away from him - Amy? - What're you doing? - The flyer, for the Halloween party.
- It was in his wallet - Whoa.
You knew? You knew why they needed me? - Raquel - How long have you known? Your dad told me.
He didn't want you to know.
He thought it would be too much for you to deal with.
He made me swear I wouldn't tell you.
I wanted to.
I'm sorry None of this explains why you had the flyer.
I heard about the party, what they were planning to do.
That's why I had to stay close to you You were staying close? Is that why you had sex with me? No.
Raquel.
It's not like that Wow.
You really know how to make a girl feel shit about herself.
I fell for you I shouldn't have done, but I did.
- I'm sorry.
- You can't trust him.
I would never do anything to hurt you You should have told me! I know I'm sorry.
I won't lose you like I lost Suzanne.
I won't let that happen.
Amy.
You're wrong about him.
I have to do this.
Killing him is not going to bring Suzanne back.
- I can't take that chance.
- That's not your decision to make.
It's mine.
None of us knows what's going to happen, not even you.
He's worth the risk.
- He's worth it, to me.
- I'm not going to lose you.
You can't let the pricks change you.
That's what they want.
That's what they do.
This isn't you.
She's right.
I hate seeing you like this.
You can't start shooting people on a hunch.
That's not you.
You're my Randeep Singh (TENSION BUILDING) No! (GUNSHOT) Nooooo! Raquel.
No! Raquel! It's OK It's OK.
- HARRY: I'm sorry.
- RAQUEL: It's OK.
Just hold on.
(HE GROANS) We need some help here, please! We need some help! I think if we've learnt anything from this it's never, ever bad mouth a canoe.
Cos you never know when one might save your life.
I was wrong about him.
The way he talked you down, he really cares about you I'm sorry.
Suzanne dying I totally lost it.
- Amy - This whole seeing the future thing, it's messing with my head.
- It's OK - It's not OK.
The things I said to you, I hurt you.
I was a total bitch.
Yeah, you were.
But you were looking out for me, so a certain level of bitchiness is allowed.
Are we OK? We're going to have to be.
With all this crazy shit, I can't see us making any more friends any time soon.
Looks like I'm stuck with you, blondie.
We'll be right here.
(MONITOR BEEPS) Hey.
How are you feeling? I feel like I got trampled by a donkey.
And then the donkey shot me.
- I should have told you - Shut up, you idiot.
That doesn't matter now.
You just worry about getting yourself better.
What happened in there? I get upset like that.
It just happens.
I can't control it My dad always told me I was special.
I guess he couldn't bring himself to tell me I was "end of the world" dangerous.
You hang around with me, you're going to get hurt.
I guess that's a risk I'm going to have to take, cos I'm not going anywhere.
What are you going to do? I have to go away, somewhere they can't find me.
You just get better, yeah? And, when this is over, I'm coming back for you.
Make sure it's fastened on tight.
You do not want this bad boy going airborne.
What you did offering to give your life for mine, after everything that's happened, with Tyler and - I'm sorry.
- I know how you feel about me.
I get it.
I'm not saying I like it Jake (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT) - How is he? - Yeah, he's going to be OK.
It's three days to Halloween.
What do you want to do? Er, I'm a hand grenade.
Some prick's about to pull the pin.
I guess we'd better pack our bikinis.
We're going to the seaside.
Come around I need to see your pretty face In front of mine All about he never took to you I've got a leg to stand on You know the truth You know I'm nothing without you, but I'm not without youuuuuu You know I'm nothing You know I'm nothing without you, whoa! Cats can swim and dogs they can look up It's really not astounding But I can't do the simplest things Without you standing by my side You know the truth You know I'm nothing without you You know I'm nothing You know I'm nothing without you.
Hi.
I'm Doctor Weaver.
How are you feeling? Sore.
You silly bastard.
Taking a bullet for her.
That is above and beyond my friend.
Farren's an idiot.
What's he thinking, waving a gun around near her? She could have been killed! Easy tiger.
Simmer down.
You need to keep it together.
Trust me.
I've already spoken to Farren.
I heard you made him eat shit.
You said make it look convincing.
And you're playing it to perfection.
You and our special girl.
I don't want to sound like an arsehole Have you? (HE SIGHS) You dog! You just be careful you don't show yourself when you ejaculate.
She sees you, and this whole thing falls apart.
Just use your regular cum face.
I saw what she can do.
- It scares her.
- Well, it should.
This has worked out better than I could ever have hoped.
It was like a trial run.
She's the gateway to hell, and you, my friend, you're the key that unlocks her.
I brought you some grapes.
Three days.
Can you believe we're actually doing this? Between me and you, the thought of it gives me a hard-on.
Showtime.
I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you, get you Oh, oh, oh I wanna taste the way that you bleed Oh-oh-oh You're my kill of the Night.
LittleDuck and vivelalto