Crossing Swords (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
Let Them Eat Clown
1
♪
Wow! Caddying for the King
at the charity golf weekend!
If only the kids on the school golf team
could see me now.
Too bad they all gave each other syphilis
at golf camp and went blind.
Huh? Golf camp was crazy.
I hate golfing with the other kings.
♪
All that bullshit chit‐chat.
I hope King Topher gets eaten
by an alligator this year.
Well, while you and the other kings
chase each other's balls around,
I'm going to kick back, relax,
and scream at the servants.
Some real "me" time.
Actually, you'll be doing none of that.
It's Queen Collette's birthday weekend
on Spa Island.
Son of a bitch!
Birthdays are one day!
Why should she get to kill
my whole weekend?
Uh, forgive me for asking,
your Highnesses,
but if you're both gone,
who will run the kingdom?
We'll let Bungles do it.
Bungles!
Fanfare playing ♪
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Circus music playing ♪
Who? Meeeee?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(LAUGHING) That's his catch phrase.
I know.
“Look, I'm the Queen!
Off to the spa to get my butthole waxed!”
(DISHES CRASHING)
(KING CHUCKLING)
I hate when he does me.
(LAUGHING)
No, stop! I'm gonna pee.
Bungles, you're in charge
till we get back.
Don't start any wars!
Who? Me? (WHISTLE BLOWING)
♪
Upbeat music playing ♪
(HORSE WHINNIES)
(INDISTINCT CROWD SHOUTING)
Where the hell are we?
Where's the golf course?
Rock music playing ♪
(VIBRATING)
(CHEERING)
Of course this isn't
a charity tournament.
This is a cesspool.
A cesspool of shrimp cocktail!
(CHOMPING)
Who are these people?
You fool! This is Chill Society!
A secret congregation
of the most powerful men in the world!
Kings, lords, popes,
and that guy with all the mattress stores.
History doesn't just happen!
It's decided here!
So, it's crucial that King Merriman's
first year hosting is successful!
It's gotta be perfect!
King Topher hosted last time,
and it's all
anyone talked about for months.
Farm‐to‐table, vision board,
juice bar bullshit!
I'm gettin' back to basics, baby!
Dicks, chicks, and guitar licks!
(ROCK GUITAR PLAYING)
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Announcing Rami IV, The Desert Sultan!
Rami! How's the pyramid?
The basement's awesome,
but the penthouse is a real letdown.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Anthony Saltine, the Mattress King!
Heeey, Tony Saltine, Tony Saltine!
How ya sleepin', Merriman?
You look terrible!
Let me fix you up with a new mattress!
Can't afford it?
Layaway, my friend!
Not interested?
How about no interest for 12 months?
You're robbin' me blind!
I‐I don't need a deal
on a fucking mattress!
Perfect! Full freight!
Get it off the truck, boys!
Dammit, he gets me every year.
TONY: Hey! Tony Saltine, here!
How ya sleepin', huh?
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
King Christopher from The Baylands!
Why so formal? Call me Topher.
What the hell is that?
(BICYCLE BELL CHIMES)
Where's your horse?
I'm in training.
I'm doing a triathlon next month
raising money
to combat leprosy‐linked illiteracy
among illegitimate illustrators.
Why don't you hide your lepers in caves
like civilized people?
(LAUGHS)
Merriman, you are a pip!
Let's catch up over a glass of rosé later.
Maybe jam a little.
(DRUMMING) Absolutely not.
Tony Saltine, is that you?
Don't you walk away
until I buy a mattress!
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Announcing
I don't know who that is.
Ruben the Rogue, King of the Forest!
Where's the taco bar?
(CRASHING)
Just park it anywhere.
(SCREAMING, GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Nobody crosses the King of the Forest!
I'll have revenge on you all!
I will avenge you, Wolfie!
(HOWLING)
Dance music playing ♪
Here's to Queen Collette's
birthday weekend!
Party, bitches!
I'm so beyond thrilled to spend
this weekend with my ride‐or‐dies!
What better way to spend my 29th birthday?
(UNDER BREATH) Oh, Jesus Christ.
So, this Queen‐tinerary
will blow your panties off!
We've got a mud bath, a sound bath,
a lotta group baths.
Can't wait to see what's new in pubes!
I'm warning you right now, my husband,
the Mattress King Tony Saltine
that's Tony with a “Y,”
I'm Toni with an “I”
anyway, he likes a big bush.
And then we open presents!
We all chipped in
on one big gift this year.
Everyone put on your birthday crowns!
Maybe when I'm a little drunker, Cleo.
Oh, no, this is a dry weekend!
♪
We're drinking sparkling cider.
I'm five months sober, everyone!
(GLASSES CLINKING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oops. I'll be right back.
(WHISPERING)
Why did you invite her?
(WHISPERING) I had to.
Her King is friends with my King.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Welcome to the 485th Chill Society!
(CHEERING)
Let's chill!
♪
(LAUGHING)
(LOUD CHOMPING)
KINGS: (CHANTING) Light as a feather,
stiff as a board
Light as a feather,
stiff as a board
(LAUGHING)
So, Gregory, Isaac.
How do we avoid this war?
You've got 50 warships.
You've got an unmarried daughter.
And they've both got some nice cannons.
Do we have a deal?
Doesn't that daughter of yours
have a jacked‐up nose?
Oh, it's war you want?
Well, come at me, brother!
Now, now, Gregory.
Your son's no looker
since that horse fell on his face.
He should take the offer
that's on the table.
Oh, fine.
Now let's seal the deal!
(BOTH SNIFFING)
Ah, yes! (KINGS CHEERING)
(MUFFLED CHEERING IN DISTANCE)
We oughta start our own secret club!
Yeah!
And not invite any of them!
Only forest kings allowed!
(ROARING)
And Honeypants, of course.
(ROARS)
I'm so sorry.
Doctor Honeypants. (CHUCKLES)
Sweet Christmas, boy!
Got enough shrimp?
I call my mouth my shrimp‐hole.
Hmm. Shrimp‐hole you say?
I have an idea. Come with me.
Is there shrimp where we're going?
I thought I'd be working
a charity weekend,
and instead I'm stuck
at this satanic frat party.
You could feed a whole kingdom
for a year on what this costs.
BLARNEY:
I know, pretty bitchin', right?
Blarney? What are you doing here?
I'm the entertainment, man!
It's my first time
doing a corporate event.
I even wrote some new material.
“If your swimming pool is a moat
you might be a king.”
Is that the punchline?
“If your storage unit
is a storage castle‐‐”.
Oh, c'mon, who has a storage castle?
That is pretty broad.
Patrick, I need you to go
to the storage castle.
Told ya. (CLOWN HORN HONKING)
The ceremonial hunt starts in an hour,
and if I don't have my special
Chill Society Sword,
the weekend isn't perfect!
My father was the last one to use it.
We put all of his shit
in the storage castle after he died.
Ask the guard to grab it.
Don't go poking around.
(CROWD MOANING)
I would be thrilled to go.
♪
Ah, there you are, sweet nectar.
Time to water the tulips.
(GLUGGING)
(GASPS)
Ooh, these purses are defective.
I'm taking them back to the workshop.
(HORSE GALLOPING, WHINNYING)
(WIND BLOWING)
Ready! Aim!
No! I'm here by order of the King!
Hmm what's the password?
“S! Xty‐n! Ne.”
But spelled out, capital S,
and the I's are exclamation points.
(PORTCULLIS RUMBLING)
Oh, yeah, the ceremonial sword.
I think we was using it
to kill a spider last week.
Imma go grab it.
Where's, uh, King Merriman's portrait?
Don't ask questions, don't move,
and don't touch anything!
Wow. This statue of the Old King
is really lifelike.
Boo! (BOTH SCREAMING)
(CROWS CAWING)
(LAUGHING) Ah! You found me!
Sometimes I'm here five, six hours!
No one notices!
You're you're the Old King!
Old King?
I'm the only king, you little weirdo.
But you're dead!
Dead?
No, no, just hiding from the plague!
So, how are things out there?
Pretty bleak, right?
Streets littered with the dead?
Crows pecking out their eyeballs?
Does anyone remember laughter?
Uh, your Highness?
The last plague was 12 years ago.
And it killed you!
Killed? Who told you that?
Um, everybody?
There's like 18 books written about it.
Oh, if I were dead, could I do this?
(TAP DANCING, GRUNTING)
(FARTS)
(GASPS) Oops.
Better go change my pants.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Shrimp club! Shrimp club! Shrimp club!
Okay, boy, now I've got
a lot of money riding on you,
so don't fuck this up.
Three, two, one Shrimp fight!
(CROWD CHEERING) (GULPS)
Shrimp‐ressive! Eat, you fool!
(LOUD CHOMPING)
♪
There's a serious grain shortage,
Your Grace.
If we don't figure it out,
the kingdom will starve.
You must do something!
Who? Me?
Yes. You.
Actually, I'm kind of
an agricultural wonk.
I jestered on a commune in the '60s.
Let's just take a look at this chart.
Make an adjustment here
that number can change,
and how does this work for you?
We're all going to die.
And this is the War Room
where I get updates
on our ongoing conflict in the South.
But mostly it's where
I have lunch and watch my stories.
That one's Vanessa. She's a spy!
And a vampire.
Sire, has it ever occurred to you
that perhaps there is no plague anymore?
And if there's no plague,
maybe your son sent you here
so he could be king?
(GASPS)
That that little shit.
They're not even my friends!
They're barely allies.
And they're so superficial!
I hate them all.
Of course you do!
They're vapid, arrogant, materialistic,
inbred turnip women!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, I can't believe I'm having
this much fun with a pirate.
And for a queen, you suck way less
than I would have imagined!
I always dreamed of being a pirate
when I was a girl.
But life had other plans for me.
You want to be a pirate?
Be a pirate!
Let's clean this place out!
Say, you wouldn't believe
the expensive piece of shit
we bought Collette for a group gift.
They made you do a group gift?
KAREN:
I think a group gift is nice.
Shut up, Karen.
And, please, for the love of God,
point your vagina elsewhere.
We'll need a diversion.
And I've got just the thing
back on my ship.
CROWD: (EXHAUSTEDLY CHANTING)
Shrimp fight. Shrimp fight.
(GULPS)
Finish him.
(GASPING)
(SLURPING, GULPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(GONG TOLLING)
(BELCHES) Where am I?
If we hurry,
we can still make Lasagna Club!
All right, everybody!
It's clown time! (CHEERING)
Okay, this is it, Blarney.
It's your one shot.
This is your one oppor (VOMITS)
All right, I ate too much spaghetti.
(CROWS CAWING)
I'm the rightful king!
You gotta help me get my throne back!
Overthrow the kingdom?
I'm just here for the sword, man!
Ah, the Chill Society.
A bunch of kings
making deals in some back room
and jerking each other off!
I'm a traditionalist.
The way to solve your problems
are with massive battlefield casualties!
The only part I miss
is the ceremonial manhunt.
Manhunt?
Yes. You know,
they say clown meat tastes funny.
And let me tell you something:
(CHUCKLES) it does.
I'm sorry. Clown meat?
♪
Shit, Blarney!
Hey, look‐I found a memento!
(CLOWN HORN HONKING) (SCREAMING)
Uh‐oh.
(TRUMPETS PLAYING)
(ARROWS THUDDING)
How many times am I gonna take
a comedy gig
only to be hunted for sport?
KING GREGORY: Ha‐ha! Fore!
(CANON BLASTING)
Ahhh! (TREE CRASHING)
I knew there was no way
Blarney would get paid for comedy.
If I help you break out of here,
will you ban clown hunting?
Absolutely!
It'll be the first thing I do
after I legalize bestiality,
sell poor people as lunch meat,
and implement an electoral college.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Oh, God, I gotta get out of here.
Well, hell, I'm sorry that took so long.
We was using it to get the dog's
tennis ball out from under the couch.
Thanks! Well, gotta go!
Hey! Wait a minute!
Did you talk to him?
This is bad!
Ready the horses, Patrick!
This one's mine!
Stab! (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
I sharpened Vanessa into a shiv!
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Hey, FYI, bit of a situation
in the Hall of Statues, thanks, bye!
(HORSE WHINNYING, GALLOPING)
Ooh, it's time for presents!
Oh, my God! You guys!
Now I've got a matching set
for the guest bath!
It's from all of us!
I also got you a mattress fit for a queen.
You'll love it!
This is a raid! (SCREAMING)
Pleased to meet you, Your Majesties!
You can call us
the Plunder from Down Under!
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
(CHEERING) (QUEEN CLEO GIGGLING)
Dance music playing ♪
It's exactly what I wanted!
How did you know?
(COINS JINGLING)
(SLURPS) Hi, I'm Collette,
and sobriety's a slippery slope!
Yeah!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
The King isn't the king,
my brother's gonna die,
and I just dropped all of my change.
This day is the worst.
And now I have to pee.
♪
Ho, ho, ho!
Feast your eyes, boys!
We caught ourselves an adult male virgin!
They're endangered.
Goddammit, Ruben,
let me out of here!
The kings are doing a manhunt,
and Blarney's the man!
Hmm I bet ruining their manhunt
would make things
pretty un‐chill for those elites,
with their exclusionary
membership practices!
(SIGHS)
Yeah, plus, we'd save our brother.
Remember? The important part.
Finally! I need the sword
to carve up the clown!
What does hunting a clown
have to do with diplomacy?
Everything!
You normies wouldn't understand!
A king can't truly trust another king
until they've soaked
in the blood of a clown together.
Clown blood greases the wheels of power.
Now let's go, caddy!
♪
I think I saw him run this way!
KING GREGORY: Victory!
(KINGS CHEERING)
Uh‐oh! (BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(LOGS WHOOSHING) (SPLATTERING)
What the hell is going on?
(DING)
♪
(BUSH RUSTLING)
There he is.
(ROARING) Oh! Clown decoy!
(PANTING) (SHRIEKS)
(PANTING) (SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Who is responsible for this?
King of the Forest! Yeah!
Fuck off!
It's the ghost of Robin Hood!
I'm Ruben the Rogue, dumb-ass!
Well, now I know who to kill!
On second thought,
it was all Patrick's idea!
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Ahhhh!
Oh, you little nerd!
Why would you ruin my hunt?
Because hunting humans
for entertainment
even clown humans, before you say it‐‐
is wrong.
I'm still puttin' this on my resume!
(CLOWN HORN HONKING)
Here's your cut. You earned it.
I don't need money.
I did it for the kicks.
The kicks?
The kicks don't have to end!
Join my crew. Karen did.
Shiver me timbers!
I'm a pirate now!
You're the queen of the high seas,
but I'm a less metaphorical kind of queen.
I have responsibilities
I can't run away from.
QUEEN COLLETTE:
The statue is gone!
Goodbye, Coral.
♪
It's not “goodbye.”
It's “to be continued.”
♪
QUEEN COLLETTE:
My birthday is ruined! (SOBBING)
(CHUCKLING)
Aw, c'mon, guys!
Chill Society's not over!
We couldn't kill a clown,
but you don't want to miss
the X‐rated hypnotist!
Sons of bitches.
Thanks for ruining Chill Society,
AKA the one weekend a year
I get to myself!
The rest of my fall, if you're curious,
is just Little League games and play‐dates
and macaroni‐and‐cheese and no handjobs.
You'll pay for this, Merriman!
Cash, no credit!
You never get a second chance
to host your first Chill Society.
You should take this enormous failure
and journal about it.
See what you did?
Our Kingdom is fucked,
and I look like a real dick swab!
I hope you like dungeons,
because that's where you're going!
I mean, unless you actually
do like dungeons,
in which case
I'll find somewhere worse.
So, you know, please be honest about it.
Honest?
The way you've been honest
with the whole kingdom about your daddy?
(GASPS) Oh, that's right!
I know your deepest, darkest secret,
so I think we call this one a draw!
♪
Uh Aw, fine.
So, you talked to the Old Boob, huh?
Do you really think
he should be king instead of me?
No way. Have you heard
his electoral college idea?
What is it with that man
and equally weighted state representation?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry your weird
cult weekend got ruined.
I'm sorry you blackmailed me.
Oh, my God.
I've been a squire for a month
and I already blackmailed the king.
What's become of me?
What is that, a soliloquy?
Good job, Hamlet!
Let's get the hell outta here.
Pack my things!
And cancel the X‐rated hypnotist!
And where the hell is Blinkerquartz?
Who's got room for Pie Club, huh?
BROTH: (GROANING) Oh, God.
I'm so glad to be home!
I can't wait to see Bungles!
Probably drunk in the moat again.
Oh, I hope so! I love that bit!
♪
(GASPS) Assassin!
(WHISPERING ECHOES) Assassin!
Bungles, noooooooooo!
(LABORED BREATHING)
You must hang on!
Who me? (COUGHS, CHOKES)
(CRYING)
Heaven just got a little more hilarious.
(SOBBING)
(KING WAILING)
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!
♪
Wow! Caddying for the King
at the charity golf weekend!
If only the kids on the school golf team
could see me now.
Too bad they all gave each other syphilis
at golf camp and went blind.
Huh? Golf camp was crazy.
I hate golfing with the other kings.
♪
All that bullshit chit‐chat.
I hope King Topher gets eaten
by an alligator this year.
Well, while you and the other kings
chase each other's balls around,
I'm going to kick back, relax,
and scream at the servants.
Some real "me" time.
Actually, you'll be doing none of that.
It's Queen Collette's birthday weekend
on Spa Island.
Son of a bitch!
Birthdays are one day!
Why should she get to kill
my whole weekend?
Uh, forgive me for asking,
your Highnesses,
but if you're both gone,
who will run the kingdom?
We'll let Bungles do it.
Bungles!
Fanfare playing ♪
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Circus music playing ♪
Who? Meeeee?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(LAUGHING) That's his catch phrase.
I know.
“Look, I'm the Queen!
Off to the spa to get my butthole waxed!”
(DISHES CRASHING)
(KING CHUCKLING)
I hate when he does me.
(LAUGHING)
No, stop! I'm gonna pee.
Bungles, you're in charge
till we get back.
Don't start any wars!
Who? Me? (WHISTLE BLOWING)
♪
Upbeat music playing ♪
(HORSE WHINNIES)
(INDISTINCT CROWD SHOUTING)
Where the hell are we?
Where's the golf course?
Rock music playing ♪
(VIBRATING)
(CHEERING)
Of course this isn't
a charity tournament.
This is a cesspool.
A cesspool of shrimp cocktail!
(CHOMPING)
Who are these people?
You fool! This is Chill Society!
A secret congregation
of the most powerful men in the world!
Kings, lords, popes,
and that guy with all the mattress stores.
History doesn't just happen!
It's decided here!
So, it's crucial that King Merriman's
first year hosting is successful!
It's gotta be perfect!
King Topher hosted last time,
and it's all
anyone talked about for months.
Farm‐to‐table, vision board,
juice bar bullshit!
I'm gettin' back to basics, baby!
Dicks, chicks, and guitar licks!
(ROCK GUITAR PLAYING)
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Announcing Rami IV, The Desert Sultan!
Rami! How's the pyramid?
The basement's awesome,
but the penthouse is a real letdown.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Anthony Saltine, the Mattress King!
Heeey, Tony Saltine, Tony Saltine!
How ya sleepin', Merriman?
You look terrible!
Let me fix you up with a new mattress!
Can't afford it?
Layaway, my friend!
Not interested?
How about no interest for 12 months?
You're robbin' me blind!
I‐I don't need a deal
on a fucking mattress!
Perfect! Full freight!
Get it off the truck, boys!
Dammit, he gets me every year.
TONY: Hey! Tony Saltine, here!
How ya sleepin', huh?
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
King Christopher from The Baylands!
Why so formal? Call me Topher.
What the hell is that?
(BICYCLE BELL CHIMES)
Where's your horse?
I'm in training.
I'm doing a triathlon next month
raising money
to combat leprosy‐linked illiteracy
among illegitimate illustrators.
Why don't you hide your lepers in caves
like civilized people?
(LAUGHS)
Merriman, you are a pip!
Let's catch up over a glass of rosé later.
Maybe jam a little.
(DRUMMING) Absolutely not.
Tony Saltine, is that you?
Don't you walk away
until I buy a mattress!
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Announcing
I don't know who that is.
Ruben the Rogue, King of the Forest!
Where's the taco bar?
(CRASHING)
Just park it anywhere.
(SCREAMING, GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Nobody crosses the King of the Forest!
I'll have revenge on you all!
I will avenge you, Wolfie!
(HOWLING)
Dance music playing ♪
Here's to Queen Collette's
birthday weekend!
Party, bitches!
I'm so beyond thrilled to spend
this weekend with my ride‐or‐dies!
What better way to spend my 29th birthday?
(UNDER BREATH) Oh, Jesus Christ.
So, this Queen‐tinerary
will blow your panties off!
We've got a mud bath, a sound bath,
a lotta group baths.
Can't wait to see what's new in pubes!
I'm warning you right now, my husband,
the Mattress King Tony Saltine
that's Tony with a “Y,”
I'm Toni with an “I”
anyway, he likes a big bush.
And then we open presents!
We all chipped in
on one big gift this year.
Everyone put on your birthday crowns!
Maybe when I'm a little drunker, Cleo.
Oh, no, this is a dry weekend!
♪
We're drinking sparkling cider.
I'm five months sober, everyone!
(GLASSES CLINKING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oops. I'll be right back.
(WHISPERING)
Why did you invite her?
(WHISPERING) I had to.
Her King is friends with my King.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
Welcome to the 485th Chill Society!
(CHEERING)
Let's chill!
♪
(LAUGHING)
(LOUD CHOMPING)
KINGS: (CHANTING) Light as a feather,
stiff as a board
Light as a feather,
stiff as a board
(LAUGHING)
So, Gregory, Isaac.
How do we avoid this war?
You've got 50 warships.
You've got an unmarried daughter.
And they've both got some nice cannons.
Do we have a deal?
Doesn't that daughter of yours
have a jacked‐up nose?
Oh, it's war you want?
Well, come at me, brother!
Now, now, Gregory.
Your son's no looker
since that horse fell on his face.
He should take the offer
that's on the table.
Oh, fine.
Now let's seal the deal!
(BOTH SNIFFING)
Ah, yes! (KINGS CHEERING)
(MUFFLED CHEERING IN DISTANCE)
We oughta start our own secret club!
Yeah!
And not invite any of them!
Only forest kings allowed!
(ROARING)
And Honeypants, of course.
(ROARS)
I'm so sorry.
Doctor Honeypants. (CHUCKLES)
Sweet Christmas, boy!
Got enough shrimp?
I call my mouth my shrimp‐hole.
Hmm. Shrimp‐hole you say?
I have an idea. Come with me.
Is there shrimp where we're going?
I thought I'd be working
a charity weekend,
and instead I'm stuck
at this satanic frat party.
You could feed a whole kingdom
for a year on what this costs.
BLARNEY:
I know, pretty bitchin', right?
Blarney? What are you doing here?
I'm the entertainment, man!
It's my first time
doing a corporate event.
I even wrote some new material.
“If your swimming pool is a moat
you might be a king.”
Is that the punchline?
“If your storage unit
is a storage castle‐‐”.
Oh, c'mon, who has a storage castle?
That is pretty broad.
Patrick, I need you to go
to the storage castle.
Told ya. (CLOWN HORN HONKING)
The ceremonial hunt starts in an hour,
and if I don't have my special
Chill Society Sword,
the weekend isn't perfect!
My father was the last one to use it.
We put all of his shit
in the storage castle after he died.
Ask the guard to grab it.
Don't go poking around.
(CROWD MOANING)
I would be thrilled to go.
♪
Ah, there you are, sweet nectar.
Time to water the tulips.
(GLUGGING)
(GASPS)
Ooh, these purses are defective.
I'm taking them back to the workshop.
(HORSE GALLOPING, WHINNYING)
(WIND BLOWING)
Ready! Aim!
No! I'm here by order of the King!
Hmm what's the password?
“S! Xty‐n! Ne.”
But spelled out, capital S,
and the I's are exclamation points.
(PORTCULLIS RUMBLING)
Oh, yeah, the ceremonial sword.
I think we was using it
to kill a spider last week.
Imma go grab it.
Where's, uh, King Merriman's portrait?
Don't ask questions, don't move,
and don't touch anything!
Wow. This statue of the Old King
is really lifelike.
Boo! (BOTH SCREAMING)
(CROWS CAWING)
(LAUGHING) Ah! You found me!
Sometimes I'm here five, six hours!
No one notices!
You're you're the Old King!
Old King?
I'm the only king, you little weirdo.
But you're dead!
Dead?
No, no, just hiding from the plague!
So, how are things out there?
Pretty bleak, right?
Streets littered with the dead?
Crows pecking out their eyeballs?
Does anyone remember laughter?
Uh, your Highness?
The last plague was 12 years ago.
And it killed you!
Killed? Who told you that?
Um, everybody?
There's like 18 books written about it.
Oh, if I were dead, could I do this?
(TAP DANCING, GRUNTING)
(FARTS)
(GASPS) Oops.
Better go change my pants.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Shrimp club! Shrimp club! Shrimp club!
Okay, boy, now I've got
a lot of money riding on you,
so don't fuck this up.
Three, two, one Shrimp fight!
(CROWD CHEERING) (GULPS)
Shrimp‐ressive! Eat, you fool!
(LOUD CHOMPING)
♪
There's a serious grain shortage,
Your Grace.
If we don't figure it out,
the kingdom will starve.
You must do something!
Who? Me?
Yes. You.
Actually, I'm kind of
an agricultural wonk.
I jestered on a commune in the '60s.
Let's just take a look at this chart.
Make an adjustment here
that number can change,
and how does this work for you?
We're all going to die.
And this is the War Room
where I get updates
on our ongoing conflict in the South.
But mostly it's where
I have lunch and watch my stories.
That one's Vanessa. She's a spy!
And a vampire.
Sire, has it ever occurred to you
that perhaps there is no plague anymore?
And if there's no plague,
maybe your son sent you here
so he could be king?
(GASPS)
That that little shit.
They're not even my friends!
They're barely allies.
And they're so superficial!
I hate them all.
Of course you do!
They're vapid, arrogant, materialistic,
inbred turnip women!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, I can't believe I'm having
this much fun with a pirate.
And for a queen, you suck way less
than I would have imagined!
I always dreamed of being a pirate
when I was a girl.
But life had other plans for me.
You want to be a pirate?
Be a pirate!
Let's clean this place out!
Say, you wouldn't believe
the expensive piece of shit
we bought Collette for a group gift.
They made you do a group gift?
KAREN:
I think a group gift is nice.
Shut up, Karen.
And, please, for the love of God,
point your vagina elsewhere.
We'll need a diversion.
And I've got just the thing
back on my ship.
CROWD: (EXHAUSTEDLY CHANTING)
Shrimp fight. Shrimp fight.
(GULPS)
Finish him.
(GASPING)
(SLURPING, GULPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(GONG TOLLING)
(BELCHES) Where am I?
If we hurry,
we can still make Lasagna Club!
All right, everybody!
It's clown time! (CHEERING)
Okay, this is it, Blarney.
It's your one shot.
This is your one oppor (VOMITS)
All right, I ate too much spaghetti.
(CROWS CAWING)
I'm the rightful king!
You gotta help me get my throne back!
Overthrow the kingdom?
I'm just here for the sword, man!
Ah, the Chill Society.
A bunch of kings
making deals in some back room
and jerking each other off!
I'm a traditionalist.
The way to solve your problems
are with massive battlefield casualties!
The only part I miss
is the ceremonial manhunt.
Manhunt?
Yes. You know,
they say clown meat tastes funny.
And let me tell you something:
(CHUCKLES) it does.
I'm sorry. Clown meat?
♪
Shit, Blarney!
Hey, look‐I found a memento!
(CLOWN HORN HONKING) (SCREAMING)
Uh‐oh.
(TRUMPETS PLAYING)
(ARROWS THUDDING)
How many times am I gonna take
a comedy gig
only to be hunted for sport?
KING GREGORY: Ha‐ha! Fore!
(CANON BLASTING)
Ahhh! (TREE CRASHING)
I knew there was no way
Blarney would get paid for comedy.
If I help you break out of here,
will you ban clown hunting?
Absolutely!
It'll be the first thing I do
after I legalize bestiality,
sell poor people as lunch meat,
and implement an electoral college.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Oh, God, I gotta get out of here.
Well, hell, I'm sorry that took so long.
We was using it to get the dog's
tennis ball out from under the couch.
Thanks! Well, gotta go!
Hey! Wait a minute!
Did you talk to him?
This is bad!
Ready the horses, Patrick!
This one's mine!
Stab! (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
I sharpened Vanessa into a shiv!
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Hey, FYI, bit of a situation
in the Hall of Statues, thanks, bye!
(HORSE WHINNYING, GALLOPING)
Ooh, it's time for presents!
Oh, my God! You guys!
Now I've got a matching set
for the guest bath!
It's from all of us!
I also got you a mattress fit for a queen.
You'll love it!
This is a raid! (SCREAMING)
Pleased to meet you, Your Majesties!
You can call us
the Plunder from Down Under!
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
(CHEERING) (QUEEN CLEO GIGGLING)
Dance music playing ♪
It's exactly what I wanted!
How did you know?
(COINS JINGLING)
(SLURPS) Hi, I'm Collette,
and sobriety's a slippery slope!
Yeah!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
The King isn't the king,
my brother's gonna die,
and I just dropped all of my change.
This day is the worst.
And now I have to pee.
♪
Ho, ho, ho!
Feast your eyes, boys!
We caught ourselves an adult male virgin!
They're endangered.
Goddammit, Ruben,
let me out of here!
The kings are doing a manhunt,
and Blarney's the man!
Hmm I bet ruining their manhunt
would make things
pretty un‐chill for those elites,
with their exclusionary
membership practices!
(SIGHS)
Yeah, plus, we'd save our brother.
Remember? The important part.
Finally! I need the sword
to carve up the clown!
What does hunting a clown
have to do with diplomacy?
Everything!
You normies wouldn't understand!
A king can't truly trust another king
until they've soaked
in the blood of a clown together.
Clown blood greases the wheels of power.
Now let's go, caddy!
♪
I think I saw him run this way!
KING GREGORY: Victory!
(KINGS CHEERING)
Uh‐oh! (BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(LOGS WHOOSHING) (SPLATTERING)
What the hell is going on?
(DING)
♪
(BUSH RUSTLING)
There he is.
(ROARING) Oh! Clown decoy!
(PANTING) (SHRIEKS)
(PANTING) (SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Who is responsible for this?
King of the Forest! Yeah!
Fuck off!
It's the ghost of Robin Hood!
I'm Ruben the Rogue, dumb-ass!
Well, now I know who to kill!
On second thought,
it was all Patrick's idea!
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Ahhhh!
Oh, you little nerd!
Why would you ruin my hunt?
Because hunting humans
for entertainment
even clown humans, before you say it‐‐
is wrong.
I'm still puttin' this on my resume!
(CLOWN HORN HONKING)
Here's your cut. You earned it.
I don't need money.
I did it for the kicks.
The kicks?
The kicks don't have to end!
Join my crew. Karen did.
Shiver me timbers!
I'm a pirate now!
You're the queen of the high seas,
but I'm a less metaphorical kind of queen.
I have responsibilities
I can't run away from.
QUEEN COLLETTE:
The statue is gone!
Goodbye, Coral.
♪
It's not “goodbye.”
It's “to be continued.”
♪
QUEEN COLLETTE:
My birthday is ruined! (SOBBING)
(CHUCKLING)
Aw, c'mon, guys!
Chill Society's not over!
We couldn't kill a clown,
but you don't want to miss
the X‐rated hypnotist!
Sons of bitches.
Thanks for ruining Chill Society,
AKA the one weekend a year
I get to myself!
The rest of my fall, if you're curious,
is just Little League games and play‐dates
and macaroni‐and‐cheese and no handjobs.
You'll pay for this, Merriman!
Cash, no credit!
You never get a second chance
to host your first Chill Society.
You should take this enormous failure
and journal about it.
See what you did?
Our Kingdom is fucked,
and I look like a real dick swab!
I hope you like dungeons,
because that's where you're going!
I mean, unless you actually
do like dungeons,
in which case
I'll find somewhere worse.
So, you know, please be honest about it.
Honest?
The way you've been honest
with the whole kingdom about your daddy?
(GASPS) Oh, that's right!
I know your deepest, darkest secret,
so I think we call this one a draw!
♪
Uh Aw, fine.
So, you talked to the Old Boob, huh?
Do you really think
he should be king instead of me?
No way. Have you heard
his electoral college idea?
What is it with that man
and equally weighted state representation?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry your weird
cult weekend got ruined.
I'm sorry you blackmailed me.
Oh, my God.
I've been a squire for a month
and I already blackmailed the king.
What's become of me?
What is that, a soliloquy?
Good job, Hamlet!
Let's get the hell outta here.
Pack my things!
And cancel the X‐rated hypnotist!
And where the hell is Blinkerquartz?
Who's got room for Pie Club, huh?
BROTH: (GROANING) Oh, God.
I'm so glad to be home!
I can't wait to see Bungles!
Probably drunk in the moat again.
Oh, I hope so! I love that bit!
♪
(GASPS) Assassin!
(WHISPERING ECHOES) Assassin!
Bungles, noooooooooo!
(LABORED BREATHING)
You must hang on!
Who me? (COUGHS, CHOKES)
(CRYING)
Heaven just got a little more hilarious.
(SOBBING)
(KING WAILING)
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!