Crowded (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 All right, here goes our fourth attempt at family movie night.
"What should we watch?" he asked, knowing it would become a nightmare.
I want to watch "Taken.
" I love it when Liam Neeson kicks the crap out of European guys.
Liam Neeson, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood all you want to watch are movies where oldie saves the day.
Well, how about "Tin Cup"? Kevin Costner is a golfer o makes a comeback.
Excellent idea, son! So that's what those words sound like.
Okay, I know I've suggested it before, but how about "March of the Penguins"? all: No! Every week, Shea, you push your fanatical penguin agenda.
Penguins are beautiful, intelligent creatures that have adapted to the world's harshest conditions in the cutest possible way.
I'm crying already.
Martina, random thought.
How about next Saturday, we go out with people our own age? Screw you too.
What Mike means is, we love you all But sometimes we don't.
It's just that since you moved back in, maybe we're spending too much time together.
You know, too much of a good thing.
I get it.
Shea and I haven't gone out since we moved back either.
That's because we're broke.
I wonder if that's related in any way at all to not having jobs.
We're trying, but the economy won't hire us.
Tuition money clearly well spent.
What's the big deal with going out? We never do, and we like it just fine.
What do you mean, "We like it just fine"? I'm telling you all the time I want to go out.
You say a lot of things.
But you always say you're gonna take me out.
I say a lot of things too.
Fine, we'll go out.
- When? - Soon.
- When? - A Saturday.
- When? - This Saturday.
Good.
Oldie saves his marriage.
[upbeat music.]
Morning, sweetie.
What you doing on the porno machine? I'm kidding.
I know it does other things.
[mouse clicking.]
I'm looking at Facebook pictures of us before the girls moved back in.
We used to be cool.
Out with other couples, dancing, doing shots.
There's life in our eyes.
I remember life.
You dummies don't know what's coming! Enjoy it while you can! It's going away.
Okay, honey, maybe we just give Facebook a little rest there.
Look, really, all we got to do is find another cool couple our own age to go out with, and we'll be cool again.
You're right.
How about the Petersens? I really like Debbie.
Me too, but I don't need to spend another night hearing about Gary's boat.
"Really, Gary? You scraped the hull? That's terrific.
" So look, the name of the show was called "Saved by the Bell," and the principal was Mr.
Belding.
Bell ding.
A bell dings? Okay, what's the point? The point is, there's a lot of stuff going on that we don't even know about.
That may be true, but you shouldn't have said it in your job interview.
If Jamba Juice can't handle the truth, that's on them.
Oh, Mom and Dad, for our next family movie night, how about "Surf's Up"? Okay, hear me out.
It is about penguins, but there's also a chicken.
And they become best friends and overcome hardships, and you'll never believe who ends up winning the Big Z Memorial Surf Off.
I'm gonna need a minute.
And that's the smart one.
Dan and Deirdre? No, Deirdre's got that hiss laugh.
[mockingly.]
Ss-ss-ss-ss! Did you think that was funny, Deirdre, or did you spring a leak? In every couple, there's always a dud.
Is one of us a dud? No, we're both fantastic.
Oh! How about John and Ann? John is totally cool, and Ann's kind of an emotional wreck with a stick up her butt, but she's fine.
I think that's our best shot.
I'm in.
Hey, Ann, it's Martina.
Mike and I were wondering if you and John wanted to Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Okay, we'll talk when you feel better.
Bye.
John moved out last week.
They're separated.
There goes our best shot.
Here's an idea.
We find a woman we both like and then fix her up with John.
We Frankenstein together the perfect couple-friends? Exactly.
Oh, Jane from your work is fun, except, she's got that boyfriend.
Not anymore.
He cheated on her, broke her heart.
It really destroyed her.
That's fantastic! Things are finally going our way.
[upbeat music.]
Can't we just skip getting jobs and meet up with some Armenian nightclub promoters who will buy us stuff? No, we're gonna earn money and take ourselves out.
It's 2016.
Love it.
Be our own Armenian nightclub promoters.
Grandpa, can I put you down as a reference? I can't put my name on a lie, Stella.
Hey! I Actually, yeah, that's fair.
You know, by the time I was your age, I was crouched in a rice paddy outside Da Nang scoping out Charlie.
What have you done? I have more than 2,000 followers on Twitter.
What's a Twitter? What's a rice paddy? Hello, all.
So, Bob, about our date Saturday night, which better be happening if one of us knows what's good for him Well, Saturday's a pretty busy night here.
Hey, why don't Stella and I run the bar? We can make some money, and you two can go on your date.
Yeah, and when we do a great job, then you can give us references.
[chuckles.]
Boy, you guys are on a roll.
Perhaps we can increase business with modern techniques and strategies.
Come on, Dad.
They're showing gumption, moxie, grit all those things old people like.
I do like those things.
Will you stay here and supervise? - I'd be happy to, Dad.
- Good.
As a boss, I promise to be tough but fair.
We're not gonna listen to you.
Understood.
[doorbell rings.]
[sobbing.]
Ann, Ann, what is wrong? Oh, it's John.
He's already dating.
One of our friends must have fixed him up.
What monster would do that? Oh Probably someone who means well.
Or maybe he just met someone at a coffee shop, or they reached for the same apple at the supermarket.
Stop making it sound cute! Come on in.
Have a seat.
I'll get you a tissue.
Thank you, Martina.
And can that tissue be made of glass and filled with vodka? Everyone leaves me.
Great, I'll see you then.
It worked.
John and Jane had a great date, and they want to go out with us.
Shh! [sobs.]
Ann's in the living room crying.
Well, then you better not mention to her that they're taking us out to dinner tonight to Buna.
Oh! That place is supposed to be amazing.
Yes.
What place is supposed to be amazing? The moon.
The surface of the moon.
It's all powdery.
John loved the moon.
When there was a full moon, I would say, "There's a full moon.
" And then John would say, "Yes, it is.
" I'm surprised you kids didn't make it.
[upbeat music.]
To increase business, I chose to focus my strategy on bringing more cops into this cop bar, while Stella chose to focus on bringing in young blood.
I think it goes without saying whose strategy is most effective.
It's mine.
I did some hard-core viral marketing to attract a younger, hipper crowd.
"Bob's Blue Room will not be checking IDs tonight.
minors ILoveServingMinors.
" Serving minors? There are cops here.
Yeah, thanks to your idea.
Oh, don't you feel dumb for bragging about it before? Anyway, it's just gonna be college kids.
They won't even notice.
That's Stella over there.
Whoa, my demo is much younger than I thought.
What a great night.
And John and Jane are so cool.
We did it.
We Frankenstein'd the perfect couple.
Uh-huh, and that Ethiopian food was so good and spicy.
And you eat it with your hands.
It's like a childhood dream.
Hey, guys, you know, we were just saying, this has been a really fun night.
We were saying that too.
Great minds.
Wavelength, get on it.
Hey, about we keep the fun going? Maybe do some Molly? It's like hipster Ecstasy.
You'll just feel, like, warm and happy and in love.
We know all about it.
Me and the missus here, we love drugs.
Yum-yum.
Wow.
I did not know that.
Um, how about we get some champagne, and we'll find out what other secrets you two have? Why did you say we love drugs? I was being cool.
I don't know where the "yum-yum" came from.
[sighs.]
Well Maybe it's fine if we take it.
I bet Stella's done this a bunch of times.
That's your example of how it all turns out fine? Let's just toss it in the bushes, and we'll pretend to be a little high.
Hey, the Molly will kick in faster if we get in the hot tub.
Duh.
Everyone knows that.
Hot tub? Are we hot tub people? I don't know.
Oh, boy, they're taking their clothes off now.
They're getting naked.
Now they're naked.
We have nudity.
Oh, my God.
Martina, are we naked hot tub people? So we are naked hot tub people.
We're supposed to be on a date.
What are you doing on your phone? I'm searching for the best restaurants in Seattle, because someone didn't make a reservation.
Can't we just find a cafeteria? I like a place that gives me a tray.
I work in a prison.
Food on a tray is not a novelty to me.
Well, I envy that.
You know where you stand when you're holding a tray.
And you know where you lie when you get clocked with one in a prison brawl.
Oh, this place seems fancy.
No, no, I don't like fancy.
You go to the men's room, you come back, they're refolding your napkin.
It feels judge-y.
Hush, I've got to download their app to make a reservation.
Oh, that's right.
Make us jump through hoops, fancy restaurant.
I can't get reception.
Oh, wait, I'm getting bars.
Stop! [brakes squeal.]
[horns honking.]
Shut up! We're trying to get dinner.
Guys, I'm so glad you responded to my tweet, but at some point, I will need to see some IDs.
[scoffs.]
Just kidding.
Here you go.
So there's no alcohol in what we're serving them? It's just vinegar and soda.
Should we do something about that? Eh, let's just stake it out for a couple more beers.
You know, build our case.
What's the etiquette here? Should we also be making out? Well, we don't want to be disrespectful of the culture.
I can't believe we're actually doing this.
We're even cooler than I thought.
I'm floating all over down here.
It's like that dancing blow-up guy at a used car lot.
[giggles.]
Thank you so much for introducing me to Jane.
How about we put on some music and get more champagne? And while we're at it, let's kick it up a notch.
There's more notches? Ah, jeez, too close.
Wow, Jane has a perfect bubble butt.
Don't look! Babe, make sure you grab the good condoms too! The flavored ones always break.
And that's the notch.
Condoms? What do they have planned? Is it us and them? Or is it mix-y match-y? Well, that's not fair.
You get bubble-butt Jane, and I get obviously-not-Jewish John.
What do we do? Bail? Would that be rude? Are you suggesting we screw them just to be polite? We can't just leave.
Our clothes are inside.
We don't have to leave.
They're gonna come back out here.
We're gonna draw the line in a very cool way, and we're gonna keep the party going.
I don't know.
Martina, when the girls came home, we vowed to keep the fun going, and that is what tonight is about.
All right, fine.
I'll have sex with John.
Okay, let's go over this again.
All right, we have two reservation choices: 11:00 and 11:15.
Who the hell eats that late? - What are we? Spaniards? - [sighs.]
Come on, Bob.
This is our big night out.
Okay, okay.
I'm wearing a belt.
We should go to a restaurant.
That's it.
Just admit it.
You don't want to do this.
What are you talking about? I'm loving this! [phone rings.]
It's Stella.
Hi, sweetie.
You need us to come back? Because I'd be happy to.
No, everything's going great.
Quick question.
How much do you need to bribe a cop so they don't arrest you? So technically, Dad, the kids were never actually served alcohol.
So what are you breaking their balls for, Pete? Well, there was the implication that minors would be served and fraud! But for my old partner, I guess I could look the other way, you crusty bastard.
Yeah, you could, if your fat neck would let you.
It's your [bleep.]
beer that put that on me! [bleep.]
you, you sack of [bleep.]
! Right back at you, [bleep.]
! both: Ahh! I love that guy.
Stella, what the hell were you thinking? Look, I know you're upset, but nobody got hurt.
Well, that's true.
And we feel bad that we ruined your date with Grandma.
Especially after she spent all day getting ready.
You look beautiful, Mom.
She does, doesn't she? Alice, I don't know why a gorgeous woman like you puts up with a guy like me, but how about you and I go eat something fancy at someplace stupid past our bedtime? You mean it? I do.
It's Saturday night.
I want to show my best girl off.
Oh, Bob.
Later, girls! And boy.
Your son.
Whatever.
Uh, you guys are really cool.
Really cool.
And, um We we love hanging out with you.
Love it.
We just think What the hell is going on here? Okay, this is a very tense moment, and it's important we remain calm and not overreact.
Shut the hell up.
Or let it all out.
Ann, what are you doing here? Well, I was driving by, as one does when they are completely over a person, and they think, "What if that person left the front door open, and now killers are inside killing them?" And so I checked, and it was it was open! The front door was wide open? It was unlocked, and that is equally dangerous.
Good thinking, Ann.
You are smart.
Don't even start.
Obviously you're the couple that fixed John up with this bitch.
Hey, I flew a helicopter in Fallujah.
Thank you for your service.
Bitch.
I can't believe this.
I was just at your house today crying about how much I missed John and that I would do anything to get him back.
But you said you hated me.
Well, I was mad.
I didn't mean it.
You're the only man I've ever loved.
And you're the only woman I've ever loved.
Oh, John.
Ugh Mike, thanks so much for the awesome setup.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
Let's not make it awkward.
I think I smoothed it out.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys are back together! Let's all plan a fun weekend! Are you crazy? You fixed me up and you knew that Ann wanted to get back together with me? John, John, it's not worth it.
Come on, we only liked one of them anyway.
Which one do you think it is? Well, it doesn't matter.
They hate us both now.
So what is your takeaway for tonight? Well we tried to Frankenstein the perfect couple and instead destroyed our friendships, and we learned that we're not as cool as we thought we were.
Or Go on.
Maybe we didn't destroy anything.
We actually brought our friends back together again in a weird, painful way.
And in the process, we got naked in a hot tub.
We were deemed worthy of a foursome.
We almost did Molly.
And just like that, we're cool again.
Let's go home.
You know what? I kind of miss that penguin weirdo and that chick with the purple hair.
Me too.
We, uh, may have to wait until they stop having sex on our clothes.