Curb Your Enthusiasm s01e05 Episode Script

Hold the elevator! Thanks.
I can't do it.
Larry David, for Dr.
Lynch.
Melissa Winnaker, or Winoker.
- Marissa.
- That'll do it.
Winokur.
The first door on the left.
He'll see you in a minute.
- Great, thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you? Could you please tell me what time that woman's appointment was for? Miss Winokur's, 11:45.
She's after me.
She's supposed to be after me.
- She signed in before you, sir.
- I'm 11:30, she's 11:45.
- Why aren't I going- - She was here first.
She signed in first, we saw her- - And my appointment is for 11:30.
- Sir, it was just a few minutes before you.
There's no need to get upset.
We have a policy in this office that you are seen as you sign in.
What is it, like a bakery? You pick a number - the first number goes? - It's first come, first serve.
Why don't you have a ticket? We can all take numbers.
- Why even give out the appointments? - Sir, calm down, please.
For this policy, you don't need appointments.
The policy of the office is, you are seen as you come in.
That way, we see as many patients as possible in a given day.
That makes sense, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't make any sense.
- I understand.
You're probably having a bad day, you're in pain, but that is the policy.
- Do you understand this policy? - Please don't talk to her, she's busy.
I get it.
It's no Swiss picnic for me, either.
Did you hear that? Unbelievable.
This is their policy, okay.
First come, first served, it's unbelievable.
Did you hear any of that? No, we heard it.
We just feel like it's not really necessary to comment at this particular time.
No comment until the time limit is up.
It doesn't matter what time your appointment is for.
Anyone who comes in ahead of you gets your spot.
That's how they do it here.
I'm telling you.
What? What do you have to say, nothing? People at doctor's offices can't talk, is that a rule? Excuse me.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I did a nice thing for you.
I held the elevator for you, so you can get on first.
- And then I was a gentleman, I let you out.
- Right.
You came down the hall, you wouldn't let me get by you- - I wouldn't let you get by me? - You signed in ahead of me.
I was here before you, of course I signed in ahead.
My appointment was for 11:30, yours for 11:45.
You know what time my appointment was? Why do you care what time it was? What were you doing in there for 40 minutes? What was going on in there? What, were you chatting? Talking about old times, what was that? It's not right.
You're in a doctor's office, don't chitchat.
Don't ask him how his day was.
You know, let him examine you, you go out.
- Mr.
Dobb, Lurry Dobb.
- That's Larry David.
Mr.
David, the doctor will see you now.
That's very special, isn't it? - Thank you.
- Thank you for your patience.
- Yes, it's been quite a nice time.
- Right here, Room 4.
What's this, another half hour now? - Can I ask you a question? - Sure, what's up? What's with your waiting room policy? I don't get it.
You're the first person who hasn't liked it.
- Nobody's mentioned this to you? - No, they love it.
You got to do something about this.
I mean, it's really - I'll make a note.
- I've been waiting so long.
I'm late for an appointment with Diane Keaton and it's important.
- Diane Keaton? - Yes.
What is that about? - She's very interested in doing my script.
- Good for you, Larry.
- That's exciting.
- Yeah.
- The script that my wife read.
- She read it? - My wife read that script.
- Really? Did she say anything? No.
She read it, though.
I saw her reading it.
- She's a good lawyer.
- Yeah, good lawyer.
- What do you got for me today? What's this? - I jammed my finger.
- How'd you do that? - You know the comedian, Richard Lewis? - Sure.
- We had a fight over some bracelet in front of a jewelry store.
Yeah, how does that feel? You okay with that? - How about that? - Yeah, it's fine.
- What is this? - It's My wife made a splint.
- Your wife? - It's a plastic knife.
Were you at a picnic when you hurt yourself? Nothing hurts.
You're all set.
Lose the splint, unless you saved the fork and you got yourself a pair.
- All right, Larry, see you.
- Do I have to pay for this? - Hello.
- Hi.
Okay, that's $3.
- I need $3.
- I don't think I have any money.
- Did you look in your little change thing? - I don't have it, it would be in my wallet.
My drawer needs $3, I'm sorry.
You know what? My lawyer's here, my doctor's here, I'll be back on Friday.
Okay, I hear that all the time.
I need the money.
- Can you lay it out for me? - You don't have $3? I don't have it, I'm out of cash.
I'm an honest person.
I'll pay you back, I promise.
I'll pay you back $5, okay? I'll give you $5 back on Friday, I promise.
- Do you promise? - I promise.
- Will you be here on Friday? - Yes, I will be here.
I will pay you on Friday.
- I recognize you, okay? - Please believe me.
This my own money, I put it in drawer.
Okay, you owe me $3.
- Do you believe me? - Yeah.
- I will pay you.
- You better.
I will, okay, thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Hey, I remember your face! Yeah, she left.
I kept her here as long as I could.
What happened? - I got held up at a doctor's office.
- Are you okay? Let me tell you something, my days of elevator etiquette are over.
I'm not holding doors anymore, not letting women out first anymore.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- That's why I'm late.
I let a woman out first, she got in the office and took 45 minutes and- I don't know what to tell you.
She said, "I don't know - "if I can work with someone who's late.
" - She said that? She's not gonna do it.
That's all, I don't mean to What are you doing? - I'm testing my finger.
- All right.
- All I'm telling you is, it doesn't look good.
- I can't call her? - You know what? I suggest you write a note.
- I'm writing like Tarzan.
- You know, I can't.
- Well, try.
It doesn't look good, that's all I'm saying to you.
- This her tea? - That's her tea.
She's so perfect for this thing, too.
Perfect.
I know.
We'll try.
I'm not gonna give up.
- You want something to eat? - I'm just gonna get going.
- All right.
- You know what? Do you have any money? - Hey! - Hi, you're just in time! I'd like you to meet our new interior decorator, Carmen.
- He's surprised.
You don't tell him? - No, I heard rumblings about it- - Relax, you are in good hands, believe me.
- Am I, really? I've heard that many times.
You have more skin color than I thought you would.
- Really? - Really, you're not so pale.
I thought you will be so pale.
He will look so nice in- I'm a very vivacious man.
She want the earth tone, Larry.
I think earth tone is over.
- Boo on earth tones, that is so passe.
- You want something to stimulate you? - Yes.
- I'm a pastel man.
He's teasing you all the time.
- I'm being serious.
- I don't see the book I need here.
How was your meeting with Diane Keaton? I was late.
She left.
- So, you didn't get to meet her at all? - No.
- That's too bad, that's my client.
- Diane Keaton's your client? She's very nice.
For years, I know her.
I think there's a message for you from her, actually.
- From Diane Keaton? - She left a message.
- You're kidding.
- I haven't listened to it but I was in the other room and I heard it.
Larry, it's Diane Keaton.
I don't know what happened today.
I hope everything is okay.
Listen, anyway, if you wanna try again, give me a call at home.
My number is 310-276- - 7.
- What? - I didn't get that.
I got the 310 part.
- I don't know.
- The stupid cell phone.
- The signal failed, that's what that's called.
- That happens with a cell phone.
- Do you have her number? - I have the number.
- Would you give me her number? I can't do that, Larry.
- I can't give you Diane Keaton's number.
- Why not? She left it on the machine.
You heard her.
That's a privacy thing with my client.
I can't do that.
She doesn't have to know you gave it to me because she left it on my machine.
- I can't give it to you.
- She doesn't feel comfortable- - Comfortable? She left it on the machine.
- I am loyal to my client.
There's no question of loyalty here! She's given me her number! Let me explain something to you.
I can't give you everything about her.
I mean, Larry, that's a standard thing.
That's why I'm with her so many years.
I am sorry, I can't give you the number.
I'm not going to give the number.
That's not the way I work.
- So, you fired Carmen? - Yeah.
That's great.
So, now what? Sorry, I got to hang up, I'm at the lawyer's now.
Fine.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Do you know There's an Asian woman who works here? - Yeah, Joanna.
- Okay, great.
Could you do me a big favor? I owe her money, okay? I owe her $3, and I wanna pay her back.
I'm gonna give her $10.
I'm giving her $7 more, all right? Just tell her that it's from the bald guy with the glasses.
We can't take money from people.
No, all you're doing is giving it to her.
- It's policy.
- What kind of policy? For parking we take the money, but not from- That's a policy? You can't give your friend money? That's a strange policy.
- I can't be held responsible.
- I'm not holding you responsible.
- Just give her the- - Okay, I'm not responsible.
You're not responsible, but I'm asking you to do me a favor.
I owe her money, I might not see her, and I wanna make sure she gets paid.
- I will give her this from you? - Thank you, and it's $10.
It's $7 more than I'm supposed to give her.
- Your name? - Forget name.
- Tell her the bald guy with the glasses.
- The bald man with the glasses is you? Unfortunately, that's me.
- It's a good look.
- Yeah, thanks.
Anyway, thanks a lot.
- I can trust that you'll - I will give it to her.
Thank you.
Hey, hold the door! I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.
I'm sorry.
I gave the money to - What's this? - Hi.
Is this your new office? How come you're not in your office? - No.
My office is being painted.
- Where should I sit? Anywhere you want.
- As far away from you as possible.
- That's very nice.
Thank you, very nice.
I'll sit by the door, in case you come after me, and I can run out.
Larry, I ran into Diane Keaton's agent.
What is that? What are you doing? Because I took so long in your husband's office that day he kept me waiting for 45 minutes because of his ridiculous waiting policy that he has, I missed my appointment with Diane Keaton.
You know, she's angry.
You missed the meeting, and didn't return her call.
Don't worry, Jeff set up another meeting.
I'll straighten everything out.
I'm a master of supplication.
All right, that's good.
There's something else I've to tell you.
- I can't remember- - I have something to talk to you about.
Actually I got a bill from you for $1,500.
I thought I was all paid up and everything, 'cause- Right.
It's for reading your script.
That's a joke, right? No.
- You're not kidding.
- Are you kidding? No, I am not kidding.
I read your script, I billed you.
Wait a second, you read my script? - Right, that's- - Then you charge me for reading my script? I'm sorry, but that's standard practice.
I think I charged $1,500, that's three hours - and it took me four hours to go through it.
- I'm sorry for taking up your time.
You know what? Quite frankly, I should have read it, because it needs work.
I am not interested in your creative input about anything.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but I also gave notes on it.
I'm gonna bill you for that, too.
- Really? - Yes, I am.
I'm gonna take those notes, and I'm gonna shove them up my own ass.
That sarcasm is not working for me at all.
I'll tell you what's not working for me: you.
- You know what else? - Am I being fired? You're gonna have a tough time collecting the $1,500.
I suggest you talk to my new lawyer, okay? Try calling my new lawyer.
Lexus man! I see you! Don't you try to run away! - No.
- You try not to pay me! - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did! Listen for a second.
I already gave the attendant upstairs $10 for you.
- You are lying, I want my money.
- Ask him.
- You saw me, you try to ditch me.
- That's not true.
I'm sitting here and elevator, and Liar, the elevator! I didn't know it was you! - How many people look like me? - I don't know, a lot of people look like you.
I know that face, that honest glasses face.
It's the face of a liar! It's not a face of a liar! That's not nice and not true! Lying man! Liar, liar, pants on fire! What do you think, I was born yesterday? Come on, buddy, cough it up! That's better.
Got change for a $20? I don't have anything, because I gave my last $3 to you! I already - Thank you very much.
- You got $30 from me now.
- I have $20 now, $20.
Yeah.
- Your friend upstairs has $10, too.
- $30 you got from me! - I heard you! $2.
20 please.
Oh, my God, you know what? I gave the $20.
- I just saw Joanna- - I remember you.
I gave her my last $20 and I need the other $10 now.
Excuse me, I'm gonna need the other $10.
It's $2.
20 for now, for parking.
- And then what? - I already paid her in the garage.
I paid her the money I owe her.
I gave her $20.
I owed her $3 and I paid her $20 so I need the $10 back now, because I paid her the $20.
- This is why I don't do favors for people.
- But listen, sir- - Please! - Sir, I'm an honest person.
- I'm telling you- - I'm honest person.
Remember this? You told me to give this to her? That's what I'll do.
All I need from you is $2.
20 and we done.
But I gave you the money, so give it back to me.
Let's pretend it never happened.
Go back an hour and pretend this never happened, okay? Go back an hour? - Pretend I never came in.
- When I don't want to take the money? You say, "Take money to give to her"? I promise you I give her money.
I need Excuse me, please! How do I know now that you pay her money? I'll get your money.
You get me money.
You never have money for parking.
You have a beautiful car, but no money for parking.
This is the second time you don't have money for parking.
You think you can loan me $2.
20? He's just not gonna let me out.
I'm just out of money.
- Maybe make it a $5.
Great, okay.
- Larry, don't touch my car.
You know what? I'll give you back $10.
I'll make it worth your while.
$10, I promise.
Thank you.
- Where you been? You're late.
- I had problems in the garage with a woman.
- I didn't have money for parking.
- It's always the parking.
I'm convinced you don't want to meet Diane Keaton.
- I'm here, aren't I? - You're here, but you're a half hour late.
What are you thinking? The guy wouldn't give me back my own $10.
- Hi, are you Larry? - Yes.
Great, Diane's been waiting, come on in.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Jeff Greene.
Hi, Kim, I'm Diane's assistant.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Larry, is that you? Hi, Diane, I'm sorry I'm late.
Don't worry about it, okay? I'll be right down.
Make yourself at home, all right? - You can take a seat over here and wait.
- Okay, thank you.
Can I get you anything to drink, some coffee, water, juice? - No, thank you.
- I'm fine, thank you.
- Okay, just let me know if you need- - Okay.
Did she have an attitude, or is it my imagination? - She had an attitude.
Big time.
- She did, didn't she? What are you looking at? That lamp looks very familiar.
Thank you! I'll see you in a week.
Okay, Diane, I'll call you when I get the material.
Bye-bye.
Of course.
When she told me a "Larry" kept her waiting, I should have known it was you.
You fire me, that's fine.
You don't have any taste you don't want my service, it's fine.
But you owe me a check.
And I expect to get paid.
So I want the check today.
- Okay, you should have gotten the check- - Larry, I don't receive the check.
Please, I am a reasonable person.
I want the check today.
- My business manager mailed it.
- I want it now.
- You want me to write a check, now? - You fire me? I have a reputation, and I have a history with Diane- I don't have a check on me.
- Quiet down, will you? - You tell me to be quiet? - Will you quiet down? - I'll tell Diane not to work with you.
- You'll get your check.
- Listen to me! Don't tell me to shut up.
I don't carry checks on me.
- Stop that! - Give me my money! - Larry! - Stop it! Don't, Larry! Larry, you're an animal! Hi, Diane.
- Excuse me, do you have change for $20? - Sorry.
Do you have any change on you? I need money.
No? Do you have any change on you? Just a quarter? You can't spare a quarter? Hold the elevator, please? How you doing? Bad finger.
Bad finger He's the man the man with the Midas touch A spider's touch - Marissa Winnaker? - Yeah.
Winokur? Dr.
Lynch is ready to see you.
Room 8.
Thanks.
I don't understand.
What's going on? I came in before her, I signed in the sheet.
You'll be happy to know they've changed policy.
Changed policies? Now we see people on the basis of their appointment time and not their arrival time.
One person complains, everything gets changed? This was based on your idea the other day.
Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about.
So it's not about the policy at all.
It's more just about you going first? - Exactly.
- So, if you go first, whatever policy that is- That's a good policy, me first, that's the policy.
From now on, you know what we'll have in this office? - The "You First" policy.
- Thank you.
- Does that make you happy? - Yes.
Right after today.
Have a seat, read a magazine.
Doctor will be with you in a few minutes, thank you.
So, you know they changed the policy, right? Used to be first come, first served.
Now, it's appointment.
Really? That's fascinating, I didn't know that.
No, it's true.
Congratulations, she emerges.
What are you doing in there for 45 minutes anyway? Are you okay? Lassie Maven? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was you, Mr.
Doff.
Right this way.
Doctor will be right in to see you.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi.
So what happened to the policy? We changed the policy after we had the discussion at the beginning of the week.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
"Makes Decisions.
" What have we got? - The finger, still bothering you? - Much worse.
- What happened? - I got in a fight.
- Wasn't the first incident a fight as well? - Be very careful there.
- This is another fight? - Yeah.
- And who, same person? - No, an interior decorator.
You're fighting interior decorators? And I also had an altercation in the hall with one of your patients.
When's the next fight? Maybe I'd like to see it.
Very sorry, and when I do this? - Same thing, worse when I do this? - Yes.
You have fractured it.
It's a hairline fracture.
- It's a small one, but it is fractured.
- Really? So, what are we gonna do? What do you do? Well, I can't do anything right now.
I can't do anything, Larry, until you pay my wife's fee and my fee, in advance.
That's the way we're gonna do this.
Let me tell you something, okay, John? I didn't ask her to read that script.
- She read the script.
- She didn't have to read it.
- She did read it, though.
- Who told her to? She read it as a professional courtesy to you, as a friend of yours.
That's some courtesy.
I'd like to get courtesy like that from everybody.
I'll be in the poorhouse.
You'd be lucky if you did.
She took the time from her day.
She made some significant notes on that script.
Who gives a shit? I didn't ask her to read it.
I don't want her notes.
I don't care about her notes.
I don't need them.
Do you care about the finger? Here's what'll happen with that, pal of mine.
Her money up-front, my money now, then we look at the finger.
How do you feel about that? 'Cause that's the game we're playing now.
Do you need a couple of minutes? 'Cause I got some patients I could look at out there.
- You know what? This is embarrassing.
- Yeah.
You should be embarrassed.
Not embarrassed for me.
Give me a few minutes, I'll be back, and we'll fix it.
Hey, you're gonna get miles.